Hi there.
I'm looking for some advice on how to talk to my parents about moving out.
Im 22 years old, 23 in November, I have a good full time job which I have been in for the last 3 years. I would be moving in with my boyfriend who I have been with for 1.5 years, he's 23, nearly 24 and also has a very good full time job.
This is where things get complicated...
I use my dads car to get everywhere. He never uses it, he and my mum share one as they both don't work. But legally the car is owned by him, even though I pay all my own insurance, petrol tax and upkeep of the car.
Another problem is we have just got a puppy. And I can see my dad arguing that I wanted this puppy and now I'm moving out and leaving it with them.
Then the last few problems are health issues in out family.
My mum has a brain injury and I help look after her sometimes and my dad has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I feel they will be upset with me wanting to move out right now but it's the right time for me.
I am under so much stress in the house all the time and constantly getting nagged by my parents as they are quite old fashioned.
My boyfriend and I have a really good relationship and it's serious so I know we would have no issues living together.
If anyone had and suggestions about how to approach the subject it would be really appreciated. I don't want to fall out with my parents but at the same time I need my own space and it's the right time for me to move

I think you're in a good position to talk to them. You sound mature and capeable enough to look after yourself. If your parents see this too, they should be OK with it.. They shouldn't keep you there for them, you have a life too -
I don't know, of course they'll feel a lot better & assured to have you there if anything was to go wrong, but they do have each other. You can't be expected to stay home forever if you don't want to. You'll wind up constantly thinking about the what if's.. Saying that, your boyfriend should be okay with it if you decided to stay just a little while longer?

If I were in your position I wouldn't want to miss out on a big opportunity. Maybe explain to your parents that you're ready, that you want to start a life with your boyfriend but at the same time, say that you'll come and visit as much as possible.

If you worry about them there's no stopping you from going to see your parents, taking the dog out for a walk here and there when you pop down to theirs. You can still say close, tell them that you'll have your phone on you if they need to get in touch - I imagine parents worry more about hardly seeing their kids once they move out. Just reassure them. Tell them that won't be the case.

I don't know, maybe it'll be better hearing this from a parent, or someone with better advice! XD - I just thought I'd weigh in my opinion..

I hope all goes well with whatever you decide to do! X

The main question I have is how far away does your boyfriend live? The second question is do your parents have some medical coverage to get home care? I'm guessing you are in the UK (you referred to petrol instead of gas), so there is a national health service.

I agree this is a hard call. If it wasn't for your parents medical condition (much more important than the puppy), I would say to you to tell them that you are an adult and it is time for you to start your own life. But their health issues throw a monkey wrench into things.

I think your responsibility is to help them get home care, make a commitment (and keep it) to come visit often, help with things they cannot do any longer. If it is your puppy, take it with you. As for the car, offer to buy itor rent it from your Dad.

It is OK to move out but unfortunately you are facing your parents later years before you are established, and it is very hard. But I don't think you Will ever regret if you take full ownership of your responsibilities (for your pet, for your car purchase). And your parents, both being ill, need your help. Could you arrange to perhaps come Saturday mornings and clean the house and have a meal with them as a standing arrangement? If they want the puppy, could you hire and pay a neighbor kid to walk it? Could you arrange a caregiver to stop in daily to see to medical and personal care needs? It is a lot to ask someone your age. I am 50 and just facing this now with my parents. It isn't easier (you m likely have more energy!) But being settled in my life does help. Sorry things are so difficult.

Like the others said, you should help with arranging in home care, and hopefully you can visit often. The car should be left with your parents, since you will be living on your own and as an adult. If the puppy is yours, you should take it with you.

Are you positive that your relationship with your boyfriend is as good as you think it is?I do know a small bit about your relationship with your boyfriend since you asked a question a couple of weeks ago concerning him. Have you worked through your issues on that subject matter? Understand that he won't stop just because you live together if that is part of your thoughts. Be aware that living with someone is very different from visiting. The relationship will change. Will you be able to adapt? In six months will you be wanting to move back in with them?

This isn't meant to be harsh or anything like that. I just want you to be honest with yourself. Is the time right for you or are you running away from their health problems and what appears to be the inevitable? Are there support groups in your area for people with family who have terminal cancer?

As for talking to your parents, know what you want and what your expectations for the future with your boyfriend are. Have a plan thought out and ready to be put in place. Then sit down either with your parents together or first with the parent who might be more accepting of your decision and tell them what your plans are. Answer their questions as truthfully as you can. On matters that concern them such as the dog be as detailed as possible. Let them know this isn't a spur of the moment decision. You have given it thought. You love them and want them to be able to see that you are ready to build your own family (That is the purpose of moving in with the boyfriend is it? Starting a future together.)

One thing you haven't said is if they know your boyfriend and if they like him.

It's commendable that you have been helpful to your parents for so many years.
I agree with others above that this discussion is mostly about practical and logistical arrangements rather than your right and ability to leave home. Unfortunately there is a hint of something bothering me because you want to take your dad's car (because he doesn't use it), yet you want to leave the puppy behind. AND you have said nothing about how they would even get groceries and dog food and go to doctor appointments! It's pretty clear that if they didn't drive the car, they or someone will sure as heck have to after you move out. It's almost like you aren't seeing this picture at all. And puppies are a lot of work and need a lot of patience while they are trained.

So this is ALL about sitting down with them to talk about hiring a helper or finding a live in aide, whether paid for or as a health benefit. You should be talking to social services about such things, and when hospice care will be needed for your dad, and so on. THAT is first on the agenda. And yes, say that you do plan to get a place with your boyfriend when all is settled, and yes, you will be taking the puppy with you, unless they are able to find a live in who can help with the dog (not as part of any benefits though).

Joy, the OP said; "he and my mum share one". I assumed this to mean that they have 2 cars. One registered to dad that she uses and another that they both parents use. So she wouldn't be leaving them with no vehicle.

13ecca, I agree with Cat, I read your other thread and you clearly have issues that are going to interfere with your relationship with your boyfriend. Note, I agree with the others that they are YOUR issues not his and that you should not expect him to change. I suspect your thoughts of moving in with him are partially to prevent him from using other means to satisfy himself.

Yes I live in the UK and yes we have 2 cars. My dad owns one which I drive all the time and then my mum and dad both share one, which they both drive.
My mums brain injuries leave her with dyspraxia and a little short memory loss but other than that she is physically well, she recently finished her full time job so she could spend more time with my dad. My dad had chemotherapy last year which shru...nk the cancer and is now having scans every 3 months to monitor him, his last scan at the start of this month showed no growth at all, like his previous scan. He is, at the moment, physically well and spends his days doing all sorts of activities. He's off to Dubai in November. Living life to the full.
I have a very supportive family who helped our family out a lot when my dad went through his chemo, they all live local too.
Of course I would pop in on my parents all the time and help out, seeing as the house is only a 20 minute drive away.
We have a housekeeper at home at the minute but I'd be more than willing to help out with food shopping or anything else they needed now and if my dad became too ill. We could also be renting off my boyfriends friend, who is fully aware of our situation and said he is very flexible and we could leave whenever we needed to.
I would love to take the puppy with me, and I know how much work they can be as I've had dogs and puppies before, but it's whether my mum would let me as she paid for him, although I was the one who asked to get him, so I feel he is my responsibility.
With regards to my boyfriend and our relationship, yes I asked for advice on here a few weeks ago regarding a certain situation. We've talked about it and I understand that it's nothing personal against me and that my insecurities are my problems which I need to work on. I've talked to a few friends, male and female and understand that most men do it and that he is unlikely to stop. It does upset me a bit but it's his personal time and none of my business. If looking at porn is the worst things he does I am on to a winner.
We have been looking at houses for a few months now, it's not just a new thought so that I am with him every night to keep him occupied. I just never told my parents as there was nothing that was suitable, however this opportunity came up on Friday night. And we both feel it's too good to miss.
I want to live with him because I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know things won't be exactly the same with him as they are now which is why we want to rent first before buying a house and see if we can live together.
I feel ready to move, having both my parents at home 24/7 is very tiring. I am ready for my own responsibilities and my own rules.
My parents are quite old fashioned, especially my dad and he can nag at me, for what I think are unreasonable things.
I am very independent at home and do all my own washing and ironing, cooking and my share of the house work and currently pay board.
My parents have always had health issues so I was forced to grow up pretty early.
Thank you for the advise so far. I think I will man up and have a talk with my parents tonight.

I have a daughter in a similar situation (not the parental health issues though) and I'll give you some of the same advice I gave her.

The car belongs to your parents. It stays with your parents. If you want to move out as an adult, you have to be self supportive as an adult. That means it would be necessary for you to get your own vehicle so as to not rely on others.

You wanted the puppy, it is yours so you take it with you. Your parents have enough on their plate. They don't need to worry about a puppy and necessary vet bills.

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Originally Posted by 13ecca

If looking at porn is the worst things he does I am onto a winner.
I want to live with him because I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know things won't be exactly the same with him as they are now which is why we want to rent first before buying a house and see if we can live together.

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I agree with the first sentence. As to the second, I'm just curious as to why you don't get married? There are lots of legal protections for both of you in the marriage license.

As to the puppy, I'm unclear whether it was purchased for you or just with your agreement. But if you are moving out your parents might prefer to have something to care for. Finally as to the car, offer to buy it or leave it and get your own.

I'm still young, and in no rush to get married. And although right now I feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with him, like people said it's different living together than just seeing each other through out the week and weekends. If like to make sure we can first before taking that next big step.

Everyone wanted the puppy. Our dog died last November and the house wasn't the same without her, I missed the company and the walks which is why I wanted another. And my dad went from working a 45 hour week to being at home all the time, so he and my mum also wanted one for the company but I wanted one more I think.

That's something I've thought of and I will suggest actually, buying the car off them.

Living together instead of getting married is great for him... why buy the cow when he can get all the milk for free. Few if any benefits for you, he gets most of them.

Its also a great way to almost assure marriage never comes to the table. And the longer that passes living together, the less it stands a chance to become a reality.

I agree with living together as a trial run. But I would still prefer that a commitment be made first. As smoothy says, you are the one left more unprotected in this scenario.

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Originally Posted by 13ecca

I'm still young, and in no rush to get married.

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Going along with what smoothy said, I'm guessing your boyfriend's in no rush to get married. Once you move in together, he will be even less inclined to get married "(why bother?"). And I'm guessing your parents will expect you to/want you to marry before living with him. I'm saying this because we get questions about this sort of thing all the time -- "We live together and love each other. Why won't he marry me?" Maybe she's even pregnant. Now, reread what smoothy said.

I'm going to give a little bit of dissenting advice: Don't move in with your boyfriend. Not because of past issues in your relationship. Not because of the car, or the puppy or your parents' health.

Don't do it because you should know what it is like to live by yourself, and be responsible for only yourself (and the puppy, if you take it). You should learn who YOU are, without the screen of someone else's needs and desires--not your parents' and not your boyfriend's.

By all means, look into moving out, but NOT into your boyfriend's space--if anything, that's even worse! He's got the space established, and regardless how you feel about each other, you will always be living in HIS space. If you MUST move in with him, then BOTH of you move into someplace you establish as yours together, rather than moving from one place that isn't yours (your parents' home) to another place that isn't yours (your boyfriend's place).

We have talked about the future and about getting married and he would love to, he's already starting saving for an engagement ring.
I wouldn't be moving into my boyfriends place, he lives at home with his parents too.
Seems like it doesn't matter now anyway.
I tried to sit down and have a conversation with them but I just got shouted at instead.
Results, do what I want but I don't have any support from them if I do go.

Well, look at it from their perspective: You're ditching them at a time when they need your help and support.

And you're moving out with a guy you've been with for less than 2 years, and to whom you are not engaged to or married to. Neither of you has experience living alone.

I wouldn't want my daughter to do that, either.

I bet that if you'd gone to them with a plan to move out BY YOURSELF, without the boyfriend involved, and outlined how you would still help them (because whether you see it or not, they DO need you)--well, I bet they would have been supportive and at least willing to listen.

As a PS--I lived with my husband for 5 years before we got married. We got married because I got sick of waiting and told him that he had 2 weeks to say no, but if he didn't, I was moving forward with wedding plans. He freely admits (after 13 years of marriage and 18 years together) that if I hadn't done that, we would probably never have gotten married, because he didn't see a reason to. Furthermore, I never got a proposal, and got my engagement ring the DAY before our wedding, because he didn't see a reason to do it--I made it too easy for him by living together with him for so long.

You're going to do what you want to do--it goes with being your age---but did you even LISTEN to your parents' concerns, or did you just want to tell them what you wanted and what you'd decided without giving them a chance to say that they didn't like the idea?

You are old enough to experiment and explore your world as you see fit and either get the blessings, or pay the consequences of your decisions, and actions. Hope it works out for you. Good Luck.

Seems that two full time workers could have a better plan, but that's just me. Hope his parents like your dog, and he doesn't mind driving you to work, and picking you up.

Of course I listened to what the had to say, they are my parents and their opinion means the world to me, they have done this before and any advice they could give me is more than appreciated.
And I wouldn't be ditching them. I'm growing up, I want to start living my life.
Growing up there's has been nothing but health problems. I've supported them through breast cancer twice, kidney disease, heart failure, heart attacks, brain damage and now terminal cancer. Of course I'm going to be there and help out in anyway I possibly can. But I feel I need my own space, and my own rules. I can't live locked up in my bedroom every night because I'm on the edge of breaking.

You know... speaking as someone who wanted to be there more often than I could... but with terminal cancer. Its not going to likely be all that long. If you leave before you might live to regret not having those final months with that parent. When they are gone they are gone. And towards the end they will in all likelihood be discussing things they never told you your entire life.

Speaking as someone who lost his father to cancer. The best I was able to do was weekends due to te distance I lived. I would have given anything to have been able to be there more than I was. Particularly in hindsight.

And again--I am betting their response would have been different if you'd talked about getting a place BY YOURSELF.

Living with someone is sometimes a good trial of how you'd be together as a married couple, yes. It's also a financial trap. Once you DO move in with someone, it's really hard to break up with them, and things kind of snowball. Since you don't even have marriage on the table right now (Because you're "still young"), then don't move in together. Move out, sure. But not together.

I don't want to move out by myself.
I want to move in with the person I love, who I will eventually marry. I want to start our life together. It's the 21st century, there isn't a certain sequence to follow: Get engaged, get married, move in together, have children...
If my parents don't approve of me moving out then they certainly wouldn't approve of me getting married!

You never said if your parents know your boyfriend, or his parents and liked him or them.

Yes my parents know my boyfriend, they seem to get on pretty well. He says over about 3 times a week and I stay at his too. I get on wonderfully with his parents too (who are fully supportive of us both and very happy for us)
Our parents haven't met yet though. Been dreading that situation a bit if I'm honest.

Why are you dreading the two sets of parents meeting?

I'm just worried at how they will come across. I don't want my boyfriends parent's to worry at what type of family their son is getting involved in.
I am an only daughter, so my dad is very protective over me and like I said quite old fashioned.
And with my mums brain injury she doesn't really have a filter from her brain to her mouth, she speaks her mind (and not in a good way)

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Originally Posted by 13ecca

I don't want to move out by myself.
I want to move in with the person I love, who I will eventually marry. I want to start our life together. It's the 21st century, there isn't a certain sequence to follow: Get engaged, get married, move in together, have children...
If my parents don't approve of me moving out then they certainly wouldn't approve of me getting married!

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Says who?. it works that way in most of the world, and its worked pretty well for thousands of years... and the people that don't follow that process end upi with dysfuctional "family" units most times. And end up with kids never knowing their fathers, Or having a number of kids all with different fathers, none of whom were around when they were growing up.

But then... if being some guys sex toy is what its all about in the 21st century, then its time to review things. That's a losing proposition for the female most of the time. After all, the guy never really has to make any sort of a commitment.....ever. Promises are cheap, they are only words. Actions have value. Anyone can have a kid a one night stand with someone you never even got the name of is all it takes....but it takes a special type of person to really be a parent. It also takes two parents to raise a well adjusted child to become a well adjusted adult, A one parent household just can't give that sort of balance and stability. And most of the problems in todays society is the direct result of some people deciding marriage and everything that goes with it (and always has)....is an outdated concept.

Your parents can't be too old fashion if he stays over 3 times a week. You should have gotten them together a long time ago.

So your parents don't approve of your moving out, especially to move in with your boyfriend?

Does he sleep in your bed when he stays at your house?

I'm not a sex toy. I have values and morals just like he does. We were both virgins until we met each other, we both waited for the right person to come along. We want to get married and we want to have children together. Just not right this minute. We want to enjoy being together and have the excitement of engagement and marriage rather than rush through it.
Maybe I was wrong to say there isn't a sequence, I'm sure that most people probably have one, we do actually. It's just not in that order. My parents aren't even married. They have been together for 27 years and both only have me as a child.
Maybe "old fashioned" is the wrong term. Maybe I should use controlling. He's very controlling when it comes to me on what I should be doing and shouldn't be doing and what's right for me and what's wrong for me.
In all honesty I don't know what it is they don't approve of. And yes we do sleep in the same bed. I always ask if he can stay over first though.

Also what would be the best way of introducing our parents?

He's very controlling of you? Maybe we need to talk about that.

Make dinner at your house and invite them over. Easy-peasy.

Sorry, but you are moving in with a guy... to have sex with him, with absolutely no commitment from him beforehand (a promise to marry isn't a commitment... actually marrying is a commitment)

Sorry... but I've been around long enough and I know all the tricks and lies guys pull to get sex. And love isn't a requirement before sex to a guy... convincing the female there is love is what's needed to get repeat sex, getting her to move in without a marriage is a way to get it every night without a real commitment.. Its ALWAYS been that way... it always will be.

Like I said... words are cheap... actions have value.

Sorry but you aren't stree smart or wise to the ways of the world yet.....nobody is at that stage of life and yet everyone thinks they have it ALL figured out before they make their way on their own.....and everyone finds out how they were wrong about most things in the first few years.

I was no different than anyone else.....at that same stage of my life.

Make dinner? I don't want to kill my inlaws off!
I can't see my dad going for that one. He's not one for having people over, he likes his own space in his house.

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Originally Posted by 13ecca

Make dinner? I don't want to kill my inlaws off!
I can't see my dad going for that one. He's not one for having people over, he likes his own space in his house.

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You can't cook?

How about meeting at a restaurant where everyone would (maybe unfortunately) have to be on his best behavior?

So move out on your own into your own place. Or get a same sex roommate. Start that way. Get them used to your not being under their roof.

I'm still chewing on your comment that he controls you in all sorts of ways. This is your dad or your boyfriend?

I like you more and more. You have dealt with all those illnesses. You are getting all kinds of advice, and of course you will take what you want out of it. I think you will do OK. 'Good decision' vs 'bad decision?' Not sure how any of us knows the best direction to go each day, week, year.
I do hope that by breaking away from the control of your parents, that you learn how to do more to control your own life. It would be silly to tell you to stay away from the man you love because he too is controlling. Just find your strength as the years go by.

No I can cook, I'm not brilliant but I've survived off it for the last 8 years!
No my boyfriend isn't controling at all. He is wonderful, very understanding of my emotions and constant mood swing and also sensitive with what's going on. He has been my rock for the last year and I couldn't have made it this far without him.
My dad is controlling.