I know this seems like an (un)popular subject but here goes-
I've been together with my girl for a little over a year and a haf and this last week had THE TALK. She says that she doesn't have the spark/chemistry in our relationship and that she loves me but isn't in love. That she know I'm the only one she's ever been comfortable with and she knows that she can count on me for anything. There were a lot of things we discussed during the talk, she feels like I'm too secretative when it comes to financial issues (which I have been) and that she doesn't have her own identity - which I agree with. No true friends of her own. I'm pretty much all she really identifies with. But from the beginning of our dating SHE was always the one who was needy and kind of controlling. Anyway I asked that we try to pull back on our relationship instead of just ending it, and that the space/break would be good. She agreed. But here's the rub, she still calls me and we had to meet the other day just briefly and she hugged and kissed me and sometimes says I love you. All this after she said that she doesn't know what our status is and for me to not wait for her. To complicate matters she has a ton of her personal stuff at my apartment (because we we're looking into living together - again something she always wanted more). Is she just confused? She's younger than me 14 years but has always been more mature for her age. I'm at a loss. I don't want to just not call her back when she calls me- I'm not about games. Please help - suggestions?

As far as her stuff goes I think you should give it back to her and tell her that since it's her stuff she needs to hold onto it at this time. That's fair and honest for the both of you.

I think since she told you not to wait for you, you should act as though you've broke up. I'm not sure I would say it's permanent but if you wait for her or at her beck and call then it's not going to work.

I think at this point you have to not call her back when she calls you. Because by her own admission her spark for you is gone. If you talking to her in any capacity that spark will continue to be dead. But if you gone and out of her life the spark might reignight because she starts thinking about you in your absence and starts missing you. I'm not saying that's a guarantee but it's your best option at this time.

This is where my girlfriend and I are now - in her own words.

We are taking a little break but we are still talking and stuff. We aren't talking as much and we do our own thing during the week. I also don't sleep over his house anymore. I just don't know what I want. Who does know, anyway?

We spent the Easter holiday together and we still kiss when we part/depart. A little hand holding and arm locking. TOTALLY confused.

You really need to talk and define the terms of this little break so you both know where you stand.

But I really don't think she knows how she feels about us right now. She just graduated from college, trying to figure out her career, she really only has us - she's really trying to find her way/identity.

Just talk to them and just say that I'm confused about our relationship.

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We are taking a little break but we are still talking and stuff.

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If your so confused, and she is confused, you should talk about it, and see what she means about a break. To do anything else will leave you confused, and by my way of thinking where there is no communication, there is no relationship.

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We spent the Easter holiday together and we still kiss when we part/depart. A little hand holding and arm locking. TOTALLY confused.

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Instead of holding hands and kissing, ask her what the heck this break stuff is about.

Well today is the first day she didn't call - and I didn't call her, we've been together for over a year and a half. What does this mean in our relationship?

It means you have to give her what she wants... a break.

I shouldn't call her either? I feel like if I don't that it's playing games we've never been about that.

If you stay together, you are going to develop rituals (things that you do) in your relationship. Some of them will remain the same. All are subject to change. One day without a phone call is not going to kill you.

Communicating is paramount to a relationship. And, it does take practice for both parties in a relationship. It is one of the building blocks for the relationship to develop and continue into the future. Can't read people's minds. Also, can't control their actions.

Sounds like she needs a break. And, frankly, maybe you do too. Remember, that you are both at the stage in life where you need to be carving out your niche in the world - learning, abilities, skills, job possibilities, etc.

Communication. You might want to start by saying something like the following: "Hey! I'm really having a problem with something, and I hope that you can help me with it." "Do you think that we should talk? Because, I'm not sure what you mean by this break stuff." Puts the ball in her court and makes her feel good because she is helping you.

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Originally Posted by Righthearted

i shouldn't call her either? i feel like if i don't that it's playing games we've never been about that.

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You're the one confused at this point my friend and since you can't come up with the right way to deal with it leave her alone, rather than stumble and fail.
If you can't talk, and define this break, and no what it is she means you will stay confused. Reread this thread and the advice given to get your answers.
Instead of holding hands, you should be talking and listening. And ask directly what she means by a break! That would have been my first question when she brought up this break stuff.
Otherwise leave her alone.

Well she calls this morning and wants to take a walk with me this evening - hang out.

Is this a good thing? I feel like it is.

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Originally Posted by Righthearted

This is where my girlfriend and I are now - in her own words.

We are taking a little break but we are still talking and stuff. We aren't talking as much and we do our own thing during the week. I also don't sleep over his house anymore. I just don't know what I want. Who does know, anyways?

We spent the Easter holiday together and we still kiss when we part/depart. A little hand holding and arm locking. TOTALLY confused.

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Don't want to sound negative but that's where me and my ex started to go wrong! You need to talk to her find out the real reasons, possible could be spending too much time together!
Think about it!
Good luck mate!

UPDATE -
So here's what's going on now. A couple of Friday's ago we went out for dinner (had a great time) and ended the night with a passionate kiss.

This last weekend she had a girl's weekend with her sister - something she hasn't done in a long time and we saw each other briefly on Sunday.

I don't have any idea what I'm doing - we hold hands and kiss lightly and we still hang out (just no overnights). I don't want to fall into the "friend" category, yet I'm giving her space. Should I try to have another "talk" with her and see where we're at? Or will this put too much pressure on her?

Just give it time, going through a similar situation now, I talk to her friend most days and she says "just hang in there give her space"! Put it this way if she didn't want you she would'nt be kissing you and holding hands!
Let me know how it goes!
Good luck!

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I don't have any idea what I'm doing

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That's because your doing as your told, and have yet bothered to define the terms of this so called break up. All I've been saying is you two haven't bothered to communicate, so now you let her set the whole pace for how it goes. Get off your arse here, and ask her point blank what the hells going on. Are you so blind not to know your moving backwards?? When a woman cuts you off, and still is affectionate its called control, so find out what the truth is.

We have defined the terms.
She still calls me and we get together for dinner and stuff and we do things together. Neither of us are trying to see other people, she told her friend (girl) who is also a mutual friend of mine that we get along a lot better now that we don't see each other every day-waking moment. I understand relationships are supposed to progress - I just want things to be the way they were before. And I do understand that it could be a control thing but she doesn't play games. She'll call me a lot and even say that it was she that asked for the break- confusion city.

So I drove by her house last night and she saw my car drive by - was this a bad move on my part? She thought I was going to stop by but I didn't.

She asked me if I did and I said yes. Was this a major foul-up on my part?

My girlfriend of almost 2 years has broken up with me because she can't grow as a person as long as she depends on me for so much. She only has work and had our relationship- no friends where I have lots of friends. She is also confused as to what direction her life is going. I am her best friend-she told me and her mother also told me this, and I want to be there for her but at the same time she doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship.
She is 22 and just finished college where I am 35 but am in no rush to put pressure on her as far as marriage, things like that.

It's only been about a week and I'm having a real hard time with this. What do I do?
Should I still be friends with her in the hopes that we will eventually be together again?

Thanks.

I am sure you can relate to where she needs to find herself. So let her do it. As you have a life then move on with it, and leave her alone. Look out for your own happiness because she is looking for hers and there is no way to tell what she will decide. So let her call you when she is ready, and make sure your doing your own thing. Why wait on maybe??

You do nothing.

You move on.

Maybe one day she will be ready or maybe not. It is not your problem now.

What you need to do is leave her alone and move on.

Like Tal said, do not wait on a maybe. That is not living your own life.

Joe

We go to the same church, should I stop going? And if I am her best friend - which she says I am is it wrong to just leave her alone? Shouldn't I "fight" for our love?

It's so hard to know what to do, especially when your heart does the thinking.
Thanks for the advice.

How do push the one and only best-friend you have away, especially when you know that person has been your rock and that you can always rely/depend on them?

Righthearted]We go to the same church, should I stop going? And if I am her best friend - which she says I am is it wrong to just leave her alone? Shouldn't I "fight" for our love?
She is confused so you can't take what she says as absolute, and no contact does not mean not being sociable. You can be nice and be brief. Also read the other threads to know what happens when you fight for your love. It always pushes them further away and your left more confused, and even more heartbroken.

It's so hard to know what to do, especially when your heart does the thinking.
Thanks for the advice
That's the whole point of NO CONTACT, it allows you to get over the emotional trauma of a break up, and get healthy so you can make decisions based on the facts, and not the feelings. Yes this is a hard period in your life, so get healthy, and build a life that you enjoy without her. Its the process of healing, and as you get healthy you will feel better, and deal with things on a better level.

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Originally Posted by Righthearted

How do push the one and only best-friend you have away, especially when you know that person has been your rock and that you can always rely/depend on them?

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Not how, but why. She is confused, and not focused on you or your feelings. The only thing she cares about is how she feels right now. This is something you must accept.

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"I feel like this is the best thing for us right now. Daniel and I had some problems in our relationship and I honestly just could not see us moving forward together. It was a really hard decision to make and I truly feel like I lost my best friend, but at the same time I feel a sense of freedom now. Daniel was such a big part of my life. He was all I knew. I am going through a huge transition now that I am done with school. I am trying to figure out what I want to do and who I want to be and I just feel like I need to do that for me before I can settle down with someone else. Daniel has 14 years of life experience that I don't have which I think he forgot sometimes. I just feel like I need some me time. In college I had a plan and now that I am out of college and things aren't going quite as planned I feel a little lost. I told Daniel I needed space, and it was really hard for him to hear. I care about him so much and I never meant to hurt him. I do need time to be my own person though."

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What do I do?! Should I contact her in a couple weeks or wait for her to contact me.

You should maintain no contact and let yourself heal. I assume this is a lette she wrote you??

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I do need time to be my own person though."

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What part of no contact has you confused here?

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

You do nothing.

You move on.

Maybe one day she will be ready or maybe not. It is not your problem now.

What you need to do is leave her alone and move on.

Like Tal said, do not wait on a maybe. That is not living your own life.

Joe

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Some people do not get it when they read it the first time, so here is it again.

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Originally Posted by Righthearted

What do I do?!? Should I contact her in a couple weeks or wait for her to contact me.

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Neither...

Move on, get busy with yourself.

Its okay to think about her calling you in the future, but certainly do not wait for her to do so. You said yourself, and so did she, she wants space, and she wants 'me' time. Calling her and talking to her isn't exactly giving her what she asked of you.

Your best option is to move on, as hard as it may be. We all know how difficult it is, but it is necessary, and is most certainly possible. The best thing you can do for yourself, and for her, is to give her what she asks. Give her all the space she needs.

She wants time on her own and realises that she wants to meet someone new and begin another life with someone her age. My Ex was 22 with her 3 years she said exactly the same thing. They decide they are at a certain stage in there life and they were relying on you to be there during the tough times but well you were a bit used sorry to say. Im 28 my girlfriend loved me completely and was thinkiong how we could be together but just decided and said she need to be on her own. The simple factvis your girl has realised its time for her to be her own person and that means not include you. Sorry to say but she's gone now and won't be back. The girls need time and well she pretty much wants to start fressh new job new guy new life. Sorry for the heartbreak I'm still in denial and my heart is broken but she wants to have her own life. I have also heard that line of you have so much life experience and I don't yet I got fed that as well its just a load of crap. Don't believe much of what she says one of the simplest reasons is she is not in love with you. Sorry to say it but she just doesn't feel it cause if she did she wouldn't be dumping you...

We didn't really have tough times and I don't think I was used- she was the one from the beginning that really moved quickly. And our problems were mostly my lack of opening up to her and my secretive nature (not wanting to burden her with my problems)- but I told her that I would work on it.

She said she felt she was losing her best friend, and I want to be there for her as her friend, specifically because she has no friends.

This is my last email -
Kari,
You truly are the most amazing person I have ever met, you have a huge
Heart and you have such a capacity for love. Your inner strength and
Your strong willed attitude shines through in so much that you do.
It's what made me fall in love with you and it's why I will always
Cherish the time we spent together.

I know you said that you aren't IN love with me and that you have to
Work on things for yourself - by yourself and I understand that. I
Want so much for you to be happy- that's all I ever wanted. I just
Wish that it was something that we could get through and work on
Together. I also wish that I had opened up to you more than I did, you
Know me so well-more than anyone else in the world, and if you felt
Like I wasn't open about something in the past you should have just
Smacked me upside the head and told me, that's what I really needed -
But I guess you already knew that. I read an email that you wrote me
Back in Feb' 06 about trusting you and being open I should have taken
That more to heart. I would do anything now to make things right
Between us - I'd even sing to you at the top of my lungs if you can
Believe that.

Well, I don't know what else to say right now - I do know that you are
My best friend and even though I have lost your love I want you to
Know that you can always count on me- for anything.

I will always love you and will always be there for you,

Dan ~

Do nothing disappear. Don't answer any calls don't send any texts DO NOTHINGGGG!!

Be the mystery Man and vanish, people can't believe when your gone, if she really likes you she will call and if not you can call in a couple of weeks if you want and be the fun guy nothing serious, just say hay what you up too...

She will most likely text or do something just don't be there for her, id say urve been smothering her lately and been all over her women hate that. Give her space and let her miss you...

Do you folks think that flowers would be out of the question in a couple of weeks - just to say hi. Not roses, just something Springy.

OMG, you do not get it.

She's made her choice. That choice is without you. Concentrate on you! Your friends, family and life. Its not your problem anymore, she needs to develop as a person, find new friends expand her life, see what is out there.

I feel like that right now - I am 21. I want to see the world, see what life is all about, to meet new people etc. At 35 years old it's a bit to 'late' to be worrying what a 22 year old girl wants, she's young, wants a life, not dedication and commitment. You need to find what you want with someone else, I am sure there are plenty of others out there. Time will heal you and who knows you may become good friends again. Abide by NC and face up to the cold hard facts.

I get your point, but why can't I be there for her.

Do you believe in - if you love someone set them free, if they come back it was meant to be.

Righthearted]I get your point, but why can't I be there for her.
Did she ask you to be? Your to eager to be there because you think she will take you back, and that is a dangerous notion, as your not giving her the space she needs, and you need to leave her completely alone until you can accept that you need a life without her. You must let go and move on.

Do you believe in - if you love someone set them free, if they come back it was meant to be

So set her free and leave her alone, or for sure she will get tired of you pestering her. If she comes back it must be on her own, so set her free already.

Spread rep again tali :(

Right hearted at the age of 35 surely you have learnt from life already? Maybe not. She's 22 common get a grip. As tali said she would have asked if she wanted you to be there for her and she will contact you if she needs you. She has split up with you for a reason, its hard but you will get through it. This may help you:

Read over the board and read past questions and advice! If she says she doesn't want you then:

Its time to accept the harsh truth and start the transition to single life. Its hard but whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? More wary in the future and aware what we are looking for in a relationship and a person.

Treat your relationship as a life experience, you might not be able to treasure the memories you had right now but one day you will. Do not regret but learn and move on, as someone much better is just around the next corner.

You must try follow these: (be strong)

1) Abide by no contact, ignorance is bliss so don't go near the 'grape vine'
2) Work on yourself entirely - hobbies, work, gym
3) Ever wanted to do something in your life? Nows the time
4) Spend more time with your friends and family and renew old social ties
5) Box every memory away and stay away from your fav songs for now - when you can look at it without feeling ill - Ur halfway there!
6) Time does heal :P It just takes a god dam while, but don't mope at home, go out, party, exercise - helps a hell of a lot

You don't need anyone to be happy.

The best revenge is to be happy yourself :]