I care about my best friend like a brother. Lately he's made some questionable life choices that put him in trouble with the law for drinking and driving. He's also unemployed and broke. He complains to me everyday about his bad luck and about his financial troubles. I try to help him when I can because I feel sorry for him.

However, last weekend he decided to go on a trip with his friends and got drunk and partied. I told him I was disappointed in him for doing that. I didn't tell him why yet and we haven't texted since I sent him that message.

To be clear, I am disappointed because, to me, he can't afford to be drinking... not with his lack of income (he's been putting his drinks on his credit card that he can't pay) and not with his still pending legal issues. I know I can't tell him what to do and ultimately it's his choice to drink. But is it OK for me to voice my opinion and express my disappointment at his life choices especially since he complains about it everyday to me? Or should I just keep it to myself and let him learn his lesson the hard way?

Voice your opinion to him as a friend... and if he doesn't want to take the help or advice.. keep enough distance you don't get sucked into the vacuum when his life takes a dive like a sinking ship. If you know his family...you might want to cue them in in case they don't know already. They might be in a better position to do or force some action....as a friend there isn't a lot you can do if they won't listen to advice.

Don't give him money as that is just enabling the behaviour and letting it happen a bit longer. Encourage him to get into AA now.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Voice your opinion to him as a friend... and if he doesn't want to take the help or advice.. keep enough distance you don't get sucked into the vacuum when his life takes a dive like a sinking ship. If you know his family...you might want to cue them in in case they don't know already. They might be in a better position to do or force some action....as a friend there isn't a lot you can do if they won't listen to advice.

Don't give him money as that is just enabling the behaviour and letting it happen a bit longer. Encourage him to get into AA now.

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Thank you!

I do want to tell him what I think and feel but I don't want to appear to be meddling friend who is a buzz kill. I want to tell him my opinion with the purpose of hoping to get him to realize that he needs to get his life back on track. I don't tell friends not to drink, that is not my job. However, I think for him he needs to lay off because he cannot afford to be drinking especially with a pending court case and financial issues. I know his parents well and they think I am a good influence to their son (unlike the ones he always parties with). They already know his situation and already gave him an ultimatum on things. However, judging by how he's still drinking and partying their threats didn't mean much to him. So I am trying to help them and look out for him too.

And about the money, yes, no more. I felt bad for him before but after the partying all weekend stunt he pulled... no more. I am not a bank. I work for a living. I gave him money to cover his legit expenses but alcohol, in my opinion, is not a legit expense.

I want to approach the subject of AA but I don't think he'll go for it. I think he needs help.

He might have to hit rock bottom before he is willing to admit he has a prblem. Some people won't listen before then. If you give him money for anything... make sure getting help is some of the conditions and strings attached to it, he doesn't get help.. you don't give hime any help... go with him to the meetings if he agrees so you know he's actually going, and to encourage him..

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Originally Posted by smoothy

He might have to hit rock bottom before he is willing to admit he has a prblem. Some people won't listen before then. If you give him money for anything... make sure getting help is some of the conditions and strings attached to it, he doesn't get help.. you don't give hime any help... go with him to the meetings if he agrees so you know he's actually going, and to encourage him..

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It's hard to let someone you care about hit rock bottom but I think in his case it's probably best. I have a feeling when I voice out my opinion he'll quit talking to me for a bit. But I think someone needs to say it and his partying friends certainly wouldn't.

I am currently living in another state due to a job, otherwise, I probably would have hauled him off to AA meetings myself. So all I can do is listen to him, and give him advice and be supportive. But this decision to continue drinking is not something I can support.

I plan to no longer help him financially. I think that it will drive the lesson home more if he needs to figure out how stretch his money... maybe he'll cut off the alcohol to make his car payments.

Nope... not easy to let someone hit rock bottom... but sometimes its inevitable... and they would take anyone down with them because until it happens... its all about their needs and their wants... it might take that for them to see their needs and their wants are what got them in the mess they are in before they admit there was a problem.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Nope... not easy to let someone hit rock bottom... but sometimes its inevitable... and they would take anyone down with them because until it happens... its all about their needs and their wants... it might take that for them to see their needs and their wants are what got them in the mess they are in before they admit there was a problem.

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True. I just have to control myself from stopping him from hitting rock bottom if he won't listen to reason from me or his parents.

Thank you!

Why are you still letting this irresponsible rascal live rent free in your head? Boy you sure are good at suffering with your choice of best friends, but your loyalty is admirable even if they don't appreciate it, or really deserve it.


Back off to a safe distance or learn to cuss. Or BOTH!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Why are you still letting this irresponsible rascal live rent free in your head? Boy you sure are good at suffering with your choice of best friends, but your loyalty is admirable even if they don't appreciate it, or really deserve it. Back off to a safe distance or learn to cuss. Or BOTH!

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LOL! Boy you sure made me laugh with your comment! Thank you!I have been backing off on for the last month or so but either I am really an important friend or I am the only one he got because he texts me everyday complaining about his life! I try not to respond as much but when I ignore then the whole "why are you ignoring me?" and "I thought you are my friend, why are you abandoning me?" spiel pops up and I feel guilty and I get sucked back in!I have been cussing in my head every time a new drama happens in his life and he just HAVE to talk to me and he needs my help and stuff. Sometimes I asked him point blank why he doesn't ask his other friends that are with him on fun times? His party friends? He said he doesn't trust them and he trust me. Either he's just the biggest schmoozer in the world or he's telling the truth. But I am so disappointed in him right now and he just started texting me tonight saying he's back from his bender and wants to know why I am disappointed in him... followed by comments of how much money he spent on alcohol. I wanted to respond but I'm going to sleep on it to make an appropriate response tomorrow.

Stop giving him money and see how much he 'needs' you then, for friendship and emotional support. I cringe to think you have given him so much as a dime. You are ENABLING him!

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Originally Posted by KatyJ

. I wanted to respond but I'm going to sleep on it to make an appropriate response tomorrow.

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Don't respond until you have learned the proper way to cuss!!

Drunks like other addicts... learn to be accomplished schmoozers. That's how they sucker otherwise well meaning people into "helping" them... and as was mentioned... "enabling" them to continue past the point they could get away with on their own. Enabling usually meaning paying their bills as well as paying for them to abuse their substance of choice.

Since you are new at this keep it simple, just reply >FU< and hang up to any and all contact with him. Practice in the mirror, 10 times every evening. That's all you need free of charge.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Stop giving him money and see how much he 'needs' you then, for friendship and emotional support. I cringe to think you have given him so much as a dime. You are ENABLING him!

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I did not want to enable him but I now know I am. He was tugging at my heartstrings with his pleas for help. He knew me well enough to know what buttons to push. Sigh. No more.

Thanks for the advice!

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Drunks like other addicts... learn to be accomplished schmoozers. That's how they sucker otherwise well meaning people into "helping" them... and as was mentioned... "enabling" them to continue past the point they could get away with on their own. Enabling usually meaning paying their bills as well as paying for them to abuse their substance of choice.

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I did enabled him when he was begging for my help to not get his car repossessed or other stuff that he absolutely needs help with. However, he knows not to ask me for help when he's out partying or spending money on things I don't approve of. Sometimes I do wonder if the help he asked for actually went to where it's supposed to go and not alcohol. Oh well, no more. Maybe he can ask his partying friends next time he needs help.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Since you are new at this keep it simple, just reply >FU< and hang up to any and all contact with him. Practice in the mirror, 10 times every evening. That's all you need free of charge.

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Haha! I was practicing this morning! I am just trying to have the courage to actually type it in text. He'll probably think I am joking and respond with an LOL.
That's so like him.

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Originally Posted by KatyJ

I did enabled him when he was begging for my help to not get his car repossessed or other stuff that he absolutely needs help with. However, he knows not to ask me for help when he's out partying or spending money on things I don't approve of. Sometimes I do wonder if the help he asked for actually went to where it's supposed to go and not alcohol. Oh well, no more. Maybe he can ask his partying friends next time he needs help.

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It did... money is money.. look at it this way... important bills get paid first. Car, rent etc... anything left is discretionary money. Thus the money you gave him became that.

It helps put things into focus. And help you do what you need to do... without feeling as guilty. You really shouldn't feel any guilt. Its your money... you earned it... you have no obligation to support him... what he did was what all addicts do... play on your emotions to con you out of what they want. And because he knows you so well, he can use everything he knows to be very effective at it.

Would you do that for someone you barely know? I think not. You really shouldn't for him either.

At some point its going to destroy his health.....destroy his liver which without a transplant..would become fatal. Good luck getting on the list if you are a practicing drunk.

The sooner he hits bottom...the less harm he will do to himself. And the sooner he might recognise he needs help and gets it.

Cutting him off now...might actually save his life in the long run. Try viewing it that way when you need the inner strength to say no.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

It did... money is money.. look at it this way... important bills get paid first. Car, rent etc... anything left is discretionary money. Thus the money you gave him became that.

It helps put things into focus. And help you do what you need to do... without feeling as guilty. You really shouldn't feel any guilt. Its your money... you earned it... you have no obligation to support him... what he did was what all addicts do... play on your emotions to con you out of what they want. And because he knows you so well, he can use everything he knows to be very effective at it.

Would you do that for someone you barely know? I think not. You really shouldn't for him either.

At some point its going to destroy his health.....destroy his liver which without a transplant..would become fatal. Good luck getting on the list if you are a practicing drunk.

The sooner he hits bottom...the less harm he will do to himself. And the sooner he might recognise he needs help and gets it.

Cutting him off now...might actually save his life in the long run. Try viewing it that way when you need the inner strength to say no.

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Thank you! I didn't see it that way. I have been trying to cut him off for some time now because of stunts he's pulled in the past few months but sometimes the pleas were too much and I give in.

I should just try to turn a deaf ear or use the block option on my phone.

Thank you!

I helped out my parents, family members, and friends. Guess what? What I got in return was a drained bank account and treated badly. They all look at me as an ATM and feel entitled to my money. So I worked hard and saved only to have them spend and enjoy my money.

By the way, they find another bottom to hit after they hit bottom. It's as if they get out from the hole they're in, walking on flat land felt weird, so they find another hole to throw themselves into.

So I dug a hole and threw them all in, metaphorically, of course. Life has been so peaceful since then. I'm actually having fun spending some of my money!

"But is it OK for me to voice my opinion and express my disappointment at his life choices especially since he complains about it everyday to me? Or should I just keep it to myself and let him learn his lesson the hard way? "

If he really is an alcoholic and it sounds very possible that he is, it is unlikely that anything you say or do will register with him. He is just looking forward to when and the where the next drink will come from, to keep his addiction in check. If you can't help to get the ball rolling to get him some treatment, avoid him and I am not faulting you for not getting treatment for him- that is not an easy job to do. I see only one possibility where you could help and that is, to contact his parent or some other relative or maybe his parents have already given up(?). But, no matter what you choose to do or not do, second guess yourself now, not after you get some very bad news about him. He is headed for rock bottom. His job opportunities wlll diminish if convicted (in some cases even if not convicted as we have heard many times on this site) and his rock bottom might be six feet down.

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Originally Posted by carolmonroe38

I helped out my parents, family members, and friends. Guess what? What I got in return was a drained bank account and treated badly. They all look at me as an ATM and feel entitled to my money. So I worked hard and saved only to have them spend and enjoy my money.

By the way, they find another bottom to hit after they hit bottom. It's as if they get out from the hole they're in, walking on flat land felt weird, so they find another hole to throw themselves into.

So I dug a hole and threw them all in, metaphorically, of course. Life has been so peaceful since then. I'm actually having fun spending some of my money!

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Oh so true! I find it that when he needs something he's super nice and complimentary and sweet and then when he doesn't he just goes off into the sunset until his well is dry again.

So far he's been cut off and I have been getting the emoji riddled text messages of smiley face crying, smiley face pouting or my favorite... red smiley face.

I got myself a nice pair of shoes today as a reward for spending my money on myself.

Thanks for the advice!

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Originally Posted by smearcase

"But is it OK for me to voice my opinion and express my disappointment at his life choices especially since he complains about it everyday to me? Or should I just keep it to myself and let him learn his lesson the hard way? "

If he really is an alcoholic and it sounds very possible that he is, it is unlikely that anything you say or do will register with him. He is just looking forward to when and the where the next drink will come from, to keep his addiction in check. If you can't help to get the ball rolling to get him some treatment, avoid him and I am not faulting you for not getting treatment for him- that is not an easy job to do. I see only one possibility where you could help and that is, to contact his parent or some other relative or maybe his parents have already given up(?). But, no matter what you choose to do or not do, second guess yourself now, not after you get some very bad news about him. He is headed for rock bottom. His job opportunities wlll diminish if convicted (in some cases even if not convicted as we have heard many times on this site) and his rock bottom might be six feet down.

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I haven't talked to him much lately because I am trying not to enable him. He's been complaining lately about how much money he spent on the party trip he took. So I laid it out and said that I think he is lacking good judgement by spending money on alcohol when he's broke and especially because he has a pending legal issue that involved alcohol consumption. He first got annoyed but he's been trying to get back to my good graces by saying that I was right and that he's sorry that he did it and he won't do it again (when did I become the parent? Lol) and I said OK...

Then yesterday he went to another concert and another party and another alcohol binge fest... He knew I would tell him off for spending on unnecessary stuff again so he texted me immediately after letting me know what he's doing that his friend hooked him up and he's not spending any money on the whole thing. I didn't bother replying. I think he's totally clueless and thought I was just opposed to him drinking because of his income situation. I'm not sure if alcoholics are like that? Where they justify their alcohol consumption to make it seem OK? In his case, since someone else is supposedly paying then it should be fine in his mind. It's not on mine.

I wanted to say something to his parents as a friend that cares but I don't know if I will be stepping over my boundaries. I don't know how to bring it up to them without meddling. It has to be done over the phone as I live in another state. Maybe I should write them a letter? I do send them notes and cards every now and then.

Thanks for your advice!

No.. it won't be overstepping boundries. Would you preffer talking to them at his funeral? With friends like him... who needs enemies. I'm guessing the parents don't know about his obvious problem.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

No.. it won't be overstepping boundries. Would you preffer talking to them at his funeral? With friends like him... who needs enemies. I'm guessing the parents don't know about his obvious problem.

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When you put it that way, no I really don't want anything bad to happen to him. Despite his faults, I still regard him as my friend (yes I know I can be stupidly loyal on this issue) and would very much like to save him if I can. However, I also know that I can only save someone who wants to be saved and so far nothing he's doing is showing me that.

I don't think his parents know the extent of his alcohol issues. They are very conservative people. Alcohol is not allowed in the house so he binges on drinking when he's out with his friends. He does come home drunk because his mom found him passed out on the porch several times. So I am not sure if they are oblivious that he has drinking problems or he was just really good at hiding it from his parents. Part of me thinks that they also kind of gave up on trying to get him to straighten out and in a way relying on me to help them help him since they think that he listens to me.

Hard to get through to him when he has friends that are willing to supply him drinks whenever he wants. As a friend, I don't know if it's my place to tell him that I think he has some friends that are a bad influence in his life. I think he needs to realize that on his own. And he is an adult. It is his ultimately his choice to drink, regardless of what his friends tell him.

I think I will let his parents know. Just need to figure out proper way to address it :)

Thanks for the advice!