Imagine you have the "seemingly perfect" boyfriend. He would bend over backwards to do things for you, moved for you, changed careers to live closer, told you how amazing and beautiful you are every day, surprised you at work with your favorite meal...

Only to catch him writing his ex-girlfriend of 4 years telling her "you're still the best gf I have ever had" and "how did you ever love me" and "do you miss me?" Then blatantly lied on several occasions about how often they were in contact and what was said.
Then to find out he had a completely separate email address that he denied ever existed.
What would you do?

I gave him a chance to come clean and a month later found out the emails were more than platonic but took on a flirty nature. He still lied and said they only talked that once. I also have reason to suspect now he cheated on a girl to be with me.


Since we broke up three weeks ago, it's been pretty much only me reaching out to him in pain. He acknowledges he misses me too but does not reach out to me. We have had zero contact in 4 days.

Will he never come back willing to change?

You found out Mr. Perfect was a lying cheating con artist who played you. Don't worry if he will ever change and come back, celebrate you got away from him, and don't ever let him back.

There are players who do this all the time. They get satisfaction out of starting relationships, lacking in social skills because they can't function on a personal level with women who know what they want. They are superficial, immature and totally not worthy of your attention.

Learn the difference.

I think you are missing the man you thought he was or wanted him to be. The person you broke up with was not that man.

Personally, I have no problems with being friends with exes or flirting. That said, he crossed lines of good behavior by hiding the contact and lying.

It also sounds like you may have crossed some lines and invaded his privacy by looking for 'evidence'. Obviously things weren't as good as you thought they were and he was giving you cause to doubt him or you wouldn't know about the email account or the communications.

Will he change? He already did if he truly was the person you thought he was. Will he change back to the man you thought you knew? Who knows. He would have to want to make the change. You cannot change him.

More importantly, would the relationship ever be what it was again? No. You can't go back to what you had. Even if you agree to start over, there will be the fear he is still lying and hiding things from you. You would have to set aside that fear and not give in to the temptation to snoop, eavesdrop, continually question, etc. in an effort to check on him. Once trust has been damaged it is very hard to fix it. You both have to be willing to put a energy and effort into forgiving and rebuilding. Do you think you could ever trust him again?

I find myself blaming myself. Things were wonderful the first 5 or 6 months. See, 6 months before I met him, my brother died from a drug overdose - totally unexpected. When I met my ex he helped me get through some of the "firsts" since his death like my brothers birthday and anniversary of his death. Just when I start to cope, my dad (who my boyfriend couldn't stand for certain reasons) was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. I could feel myself becoming depressed and even told my boyfriend if he couldn't handle it, I'd have to understand. So I did have my days where I was argumentative when I was stressed but we also made great memories despite it. I wasn't down all the time - usually just before my periods.

He also showed subtle signs of being controlling which also led to arguments and by the end we were arguing all the time. He didn't like my friends, my mom, he'd put down my dad who I only have maybe a year with. But I wonder if my depression drove him away.

Even so... I find out he was talking to his ex way back before we had a single argument so it negates the blame I put on myself.

I have a hard time wrapping my head around him moving an hour away to be here with me. He would spend 600/mo in gas for his truck just to see me... And all to be unfaithful? Blows my mind. I truly thought he loved me. And the part that really stings is I thought my dad would have an opportunity to give me away at my wedding, which is not going to happen.

You may have needed him before, but you damn sure don't now. He was obviously willing to drive a great distance to get what he wanted. Isn't it good you found this out now before you invested even more? Of course it is. You are just hurting now, but will recover in time IF you keep him completely out of your life.

Reality isn't easy when you are in emotional upheaval.

>Cyber Hug!!<

It will get better.

Also...

My dog is high-maintenance because she has skin allergies beyond her control. They flared up a year and a half ago when we brought her from NY to TX when my brother died. It was a traumatic experience for not only his dog but our family and we tie very great sentimental value to her as my brother didn't have kids... His dog was his baby. So we are trying to treat the allergies and separation anxiety she has and it is a challenge. My boyfriend came well after I got my brothers dog and he just can't stand her. Acts very commando and controlling over her. Kicks her away (not hard but shoves her away with his boots on) if she comes remotely close to him. He started telling me there will be ground rules regarding her if we get married and already started setting rules on where she can go in MY house. I have cried to him telling him how much this dog means to me because its like a piece of my brothers memory and that I don't like that he can't just force himself to pet her or at least be nice to her. The dog is very cautious about him and has a sad/guilty look when he comes around even when she hasn't done anything wrong.

See even your dog is glad he is gone.

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Originally Posted by Adlee45

Also...

My dog is high-maintenance because she has skin allergies beyond her control. They flared up a year and a half ago when we brought her from NY to TX when my brother died. It was a traumatic experience for not only his dog but our family and we tie very great sentimental value to her as my brother didn't have kids... His dog was his baby. So we are trying to treat the allergies and separation anxiety she has and it is a challenge. My boyfriend came well after I got my brothers dog and he just can't stand her. Acts very commando and controlling over her. Kicks her away (not hard but shoves her away with his boots on) if she comes remotely close to him. He started telling me there will be ground rules regarding her if we get married and already started setting rules on where she can go in MY house. I have cried to him telling him how much this dog means to me because its like a piece of my brothers memory and that I don't like that he can't just force himself to pet her or at least be nice to her. The dog is very cautious about him and has a sad/guilty look when he comes around even when she hasn't done anything wrong.

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If you ever have doubts about getting rid of him, look at your puppy. He may well be part of the reason she isn't farther along.

Look at the man he is. Let the fantasy man he encouraged you to imagine him to be go.

{{{{Virtual Hug}}}} You have been through a lot and I know there is more to come, but you have a better support system now. Catch up with the people he tried to separate you from.

You will miss the memory or the dream of what you wanted him to be. Remember for a short time, how he betrayed your trust.. be angry and move on.

Then you will not need or miss him that much. Then forget him and get over it.

Count your blessings... and understand people don't just change their personality or nature... short of a medical event or life altering experience (usually traumatic in nature).

People pretend to... but given a few months or years they always return to their old self.

Man or woman... you don't want to be around other people who are so cruel they kick animals. Particularly animals who are not attacking them when it happens. People that devoid of compassion have a capacity for far more evil things.

I posted yesterday as well but needing a few more answers. I'm really struggling with this break-up. He had SO many wonderful qualities. He was affectionate, encouraging, loving... He opened the car door every time. He moved from a city an hour away and eventually switched jobs (on his own) just to be close to me. He wanted to spend any spare time with me. I NEVER would have thought he was capable of lying or cheating simply because his actions reflected that he loves me.

Then I started catching him in stupid white lies like smoking. Even after I called him out and told him I don't care about the smoking as much as I do lying after all he an adult, he still lies about it a couple times more. I caught him in another small white lie and after that something told me that he would lie to me about something bigger. Never in 10 months did I go through his phone and I'm a firm believer that if it gets to the point you have to snoop its over. But I did and I found out he had emailed his ex three days before I specifically asked if they ever talk and he gave me a grand explanation of how he would never do such a thing. He said it was platonic and the only time they talked was what I saw there.
He cried and cried and apologized promising to never do it again. I should add that we were waiting until marriage for sex and he obliged!! That was never an issue.

Fast forward a month and he starts acting a little fishy. Normally (even after checking his phone) he never had his phone off limits. Until one day I showed up unexpectedly at his apartment to fix lunch before work and he said he couldn't find his phone. I find it and he snatches it out of my hand and refuses to let me have it. I walk to the other room and he throws
It to the end of the bed and says "there now you can have it."

So within a couple days I find myself looking at his phone again and see that he initiated contact with his ex off
And on our whole relationship even when he enforced that I could not talk to mine and I honored that. He lied
Saying they only talked that one time.
He also told her she was the best girlfriend he has ever had. Turns out, he cheated on her three times when they were together - even once with a married woman.

So my questions are...

Would it have turned into full blown cheating one day? Did I dodge a bullet? Why would a man do so many loving things for me just to do this?

How do I let go of THE wonderful things he would do for me? He was my best friend and spent all our time together and I miss him.
Has anyone had to let go of the man they love that had so many wonderful good qualities yet one bad one you can't ignore?

You simply let go and walk away because of the bad qualities... you could find good qualities of MAO and Hitler if you looked hard enough... it doesn't change the fact they did a lot of bad things... nor justifies overlooking the bad.

If the relationship was right... then there wouldn't be BAD THINGS to sweat about.

Anyone can cheat at any time given the right circumstances. YOU could cheat in the right situation... And there could be any number of reasons... because one liked the other person enough to "well, damn she *&%$#@ me off so I'll show her"... or any of a million other reasons.

It happens in seemingly perfect relationsships sometimes as well.

>Your threads were merged together to keep the facts in the same place.<

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Would it have turned into full blown cheating one day?

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It was always full blown cheating. You just didn't know, and still don't know, how deep it goes.

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Did I dodge a bullet?

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No, you dodged a disaster waiting to happen!!

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Why would a man do so many loving things for me just to do this?

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Charm and a smile are often the tools of a lying cheating deceiver!! An experienced one!! But now you know the truth!!

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How do I let go of THE wonderful things he would do for me? He was my best friend and spent all our time together and I miss him.

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First you mourn your loss and let the wounds and hurt heal so you can see reality for what it is without the pain. It's not easy breaking feel good attachments to another person. When a pretty snake bites you on one hand, you don't give them the other one to bite. This one bit your heart, and its hurting.

Has anyone had to let g

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o of the man they love that had so many wonderful good qualities yet one bad one you can't ignore?

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It wasn't just one thing he did to hurt you, there were many. Count them again!!

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I would have never cheated. I have great conviction when being dishonest... And I have the ability to put myself in someone else's shoes
So I don't cheat.

The part I get stuck on is the fact he uprooted his life to be near me. I keep replaying it like a tape that's stuck on repeat. My heart tries to tell me I am giving away a good guy simply because I have never had a man do nice things before. I grew up with a bipolar father who would be mean and abusive one day, buying gifts and loving the next. I was raised knowing I had to forgive this man if I want a relationship with him but I had to focus on the good and forget the bad. I find myself doing this in my relationships. I put them on a pedestal and the good is magnified and the bad I minimize. I recognize it but it doesn't stop me from wondering if I'll ever find a man so loving, affectionate and whatnot as the guy I just broke up with. It's sick,
Isn't it?

I know I deserve better than to be hurting over this but my heart tells me I'm making a mistake while my head tells me my heart is deceiving. It's exhausting.

I'm on day 5 of zero contact... Nearly 3 weeks post-breakup.

We have all been there, some of us more than others. You are not alone.

Dear p0int is do u think he loves you? I d0nt think he do because he wouldn't have let you walk away at the first place. Be h0nest to yourself u kn0w the truth ask your heart do u really want to be an opti0n for that idiot?

Remember this he just wants to marry a g0od lady like you and he would never stop having affairs with other woman. He surely have been meeting the ex. I grantee it. And a man hides f0ne 0nly when he is cheating lying betraying you

Trusting him again would be a suicide. And yes if you are ready for the never endingpain of spying cheating then continue this relationship and destroy your life.My love I know you would get a wonderful life partner who would be your even moreclose friend won't give you pain and lie all the time. I know its damn painfulto see your dreams hopes and memories burning badly into fumes.

10 months are nothing you will forget them easily just be happy that you arefree from that torture of cheating. Go travel somewhere be with people who arewaiting to be with you. They love you and you should be with them not him.