Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend is confused.

Girlfriend is confused.

Hi! I see you guys are good at answering difficult question relating to girls... help me on this one.
I'm 19and she's 18 I started dating her on February during last year of high school.
And its been 8months from now. And everything was going well.until she found out that she might lose one of her family member... and we've only had 2lil arguments last week. And I ask her what does she think about this relationship.. she replied "I don't know".she also so mention she's not looking for a serious relationship (me either).But we both care for one another a lot. But its not a reason to leave what we have all because of confusion... what does it mean "I don't know, let me think about it "?
She's said she likes me a lot and its not the fact she lost interest in me... I just think she's stuck and doesn't know what to do with what going on with her (<----not accepting the lost)

Please help me !

What should I do as a boyfriend and friend

First thing to do is stop annoying her with comments and questions about your relationship. Her mind is elsewhere right now. Just be as supportive and as helpful as you can be without driving her crazy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

First thing to do is stop annoying her with comments and questions about your relationship. Her mind is elsewhere right now. Just be as supportive and as helpful as you can be without driving her crazy.

You're completely right about that... how do I tell her that I understand she has too much in her plate ,and how I don't want to be a burden .

Please give me more advise life before It really lights me up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by griffin123

You're completely right about that... how do I tell her that I understand she has too much in her plate ,and how I don't want to be a burden .

Please give me more advise life before It really lights me up.

You don't have to tell her those things. Just BE those things. Be available if she wants to talk and just BE empathetic (do you know what that means?) -- don't talk-talk-talk, but let her talk and just hold her hand or give her a hug or echo her feelings. Don't BE a burden by demanding anything or acting needy. BE available but also have your own life so that you can have conversations with her about interesting things that are going on with you.

But don't you think I should at least tell her I'm there for her first... because she's at mtl right now for 3days and I think shesthinking about it tthere.(I'm afraid that shell dump me because she's confused.

Quote:

Originally Posted by griffin123

But don't you think I should at least tell her I'm there for her first... because she's at mtl right now for 3days and I think shesthinking about it tthere.(I'm afraid that shell dump me because she's confused.

What's mtl?

Doesn't she already know you are there for her?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

What's mtl?

Doesn't she already know you are there for her?

Sorry :s... mtl means Montreal

Yes she does... I just don't know what to do in this situation

I don't want her to breakup because she's confused... *Btw: its our first relationship*

Quote:

Originally Posted by griffin123

Sorry :s... mtl means Montreal

Yes she does... I just don't know what to do in this situation

Thanks.

If I were you, I would just live my life while she's gone. Swamping her with affection and how you feel will turn her off for sure, methinks. Just be a normal guy when you see her again.

You're such agood help right now wonder girl. I was thinking about doing that .

Do you think I should bring her to a movie(comedy) to act normal since its not a talking place. Then act normal . Until she mention it ? And not tell her about our efdection but more about her?

The thing is she's isn't good in talking about what she feels .

Quote:

Originally Posted by griffin123

The thing is she's isn't good in talking about what she feels .

So don't pupt her in a position to feel obliged to talk about her feelings.

If she likes to go to movies, ask her what she would like to see. Or borrow a DVD from the library and watch that while eating pizza. Just be relaxing and casual and fun to be around. But don't try to "cheer her up" and make light of any sad feelings she may have.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

So don't pupt her in a position to feel obliged to talk about her feelings.
If she likes to go to movies, ask her what she would like to see. Or borrow a DVD from the library and watch that while eating pizza. Just be relaxing and casual and fun to be around. But don't try to "cheer her up" and make light of any sad feelings she may have.

What do you mean by that?

Quote:

Originally Posted by griffin123

What do you mean by that?

Let her guide you. If she asks you to cheer her up, then do so. But don't treat her like an emotional basketcase. Just be normal. And let her be who she is and then you be empathetic and go with the flow no matter what face she puts on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Let her guide you. If she asks you to cheer her up, then do so. But don't treat her like an emotional basketcase. Just be normal. And let her be who she is and then you be empathetic and go with the flow no matter what face she puts on.

Ohh okay .I get it .thank you very much.. I'll let you know what goes on after:)

Quote:

Originally Posted by griffin123

Ohh okay .I get it .thank you very much.. I'll let you know what goes on after:)

I'll be waiting right here. ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I'll be waiting right here. ;)

Is it a good thing or a bad thing? if she texted me. At 1:30am "I really miss you already,..I don't know what to do.,..."
What can I say ?

Quote:

Originally Posted by griffin123

Is it a good thing or a bad thing? if she texted me. At 1:30am "I really miss you already,..I don't know what to do.,..."
What can I say ?

Did you reply?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Did you reply?

Yes I did . "i miss you too..Its reasonable why you're confused....but know this ,I'll always BE here for you "
Was that good?

Quote:

Originally Posted by griffin123

Yes I did . "i miss you too..Its reasonable why you're confused....but know this ,I'll always BE here for you "
Was that good?

Did she reply? If not, she was probably just checking that you were awake and available.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Did she reply? If not, she was probably just checking that you were awake and available.

I texted her at 9o'clock . Was that a bad thing?
She probably didn't answer because she's still sleeping

How has her ill family member doing? That appears to be your main issues as she is distracted and distraught, and you are needy and insensitive, and very selfish.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

How has her ill family member doing? That appears to be your main issues as she is distracted and distraught, and you are needy and insensitive, and very selfish.

How am I being selfish.. I always ask her how her parents . She sometimes try to get change subjects, like I said she's not good at telling how's she's feeling

Quote:

Originally Posted by griffin123

How am I being selfish.. I always ask her how her parents . She sometimes try to get change subjects, like I said she's not good at telling how's she's feeling

That's where empathy comes in. Put yourself inside her skin. Imagine your mother is very ill and even dying. How would you feel? How would you act? What would you want people to say to you to comfort you or make you feel better (if that's even possible)? How could this girlfriend help you in the best possible way?

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you are needy and insensitive, and very selfish.

What about needy, and insensitive? You are selfish because her "confusion" makes you insecure.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

That's where empathy comes in. Put yourself inside her skin. Imagine your mother is very ill and even dying. How would you feel? How would you act? What would you want people to say to you to comfort you or make you feel better (if that's even possible)? How could this girlfriend help you in the best possible way?

All right makes sense... But the only thing that comes in my mind , is will she breakup with me? (she cares about)

Do you think I should give her a little space to herself since she has a lot on her plate ? And I don't want to be burden? (I'm not asking for a break if she needsme I'll be there

What do you guys think? -->I'm confused :s

Quote:

Originally Posted by griffin123

All right makes sense... But the only thing that comes in my mind , is will she breakup with me? (she cares about)

There ya go again. Now it's all about YOU, not her.

Go with the flow. Let her lead the way, and tell her you are in her corner. Ask if there is something specific you can do to help -- or if you know of something, suggest it to her.

There last thing on your mind should be a break up. If she's texting you at 1:30 a.m., it doesn't seem like breaking up is on her agenda right now. She has bigger fish to fry.

Or do you want to get out of this?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

There ya go again. Now it's all about YOU, not her.

Go with the flow. Let her lead the way, and tell her you are in her corner. Ask if there is something specific you can do to help -- or if you know of something, suggest it to her.

There last thing on your mind should be a break up. If she's texting you at 1:30 a.m., it doesn't seem like breaking up is on her agenda right now. She has bigger fish to fry.

Or do you want to get out of this?

No Im not trying to get rid of it this...

That's make sense... I will go with the flow .and I should not mention anything just be normal then if she wants to talk about it . I should be all ears and give her comfort . is that what I should do?

Quote:

Originally Posted by griffin123

That's make sense... I will go with the flow .and I should not mention anything just be normal then if she wants to talk about it . I should be all ears and give her comfort . is that what I should do?

Three years ago I had breast cancer. I HATED the people who piled on me with tears and constant attention and clutching my hands. That all made me feel terrible. I wanted to go into a cave and pull a rock over the opening. I LIKED the normal people who acted normal with me and talked about their cats or books they had read or plan for retirement or whatever. That made me feel normal too, like my world was still okay. I wasn't avoiding my problem, but was glad to know and hear about life still going on beyond my problem.

Does that help?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Three years ago I had breast cancer. I HATED the people who piled on me with tears and constant attention and clutching my hands. That all made me feel terrible. I wanted to go into a cave and pull a rock over the opening. I LIKED the normal people who acted normal with me and talked about their cats or books they had read or plan for retirement or whatever. That made me feel normal too, like my world was still okay. I wasn't avoiding my problem, but was glad to know and hear about life still going on beyond my problem.

Does that help?

Yes I completely understand now, thanks to your life experience :)... thank you very much (honestly)

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

What about needy, and insensitive? You are selfish because her "confusion" makes you insecure.

YES! I think what I'm doing wrong. You're
100% right

Just pointing out the confidence that will come from being cool, calm, collected and in control of yourself and not react, or act out of fear that she will dump you. That would be my approach to your situation, so replace that confusion with understanding, and the fear with gratitude since you know she is confused at this time, so don't feed it.

The key here is stop questioning yourself, and her. Being dumped was never the first thing on my mind when making a decision about the way forward. If that's your only concern, you have a problem that has nothing to do with her, or her situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Just pointing out the confidence that will come from being cool, calm, collected and in control of yourself and not react, or act out of fear that she will dump you. That would be my approach to your situation, so replace that confusion with understanding, and the fear with gratitude since you know she is confused at this time, so don't feed it.

The key here is stop questioning yourself, and her. Being dumped was never the first thing on my mind when making a decision about the way forward. If that's your only concern, you have a problem that has nothing to do with her, or her situation.

Perfect.. good idea... thanks you guys .

I'm meeting her tmrw... you guys think I should just be normal around her.and let her talk about how she feels?
What if she doesn't talk about it? do you think I should at least ask how's she's doing?

Can you guys give me advise . When losing a family member

Just be cool and just listen. What about the family member?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Just be cool and just listen. What about the family member?

Do you think I should ask her if she's okayfirst
?

What if she doesn't want to talk about it ?

What's even the purpose of the conversation to begin with? Closure? One last chance to get her back? FALSE hope that she will change her mind? WHAT'S the purpose?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

What's even the purpose of the conversation to begin with? Closure? One last chance to get her back? FALSE hope that she will change her mind? WHAT'S the purpose?

Today I'm only going to drop by her house just to see if she's okay.

What do you mean by close and false hope that shell change her mind?

Closure is accepting you have been dumped, and start a healing process. False hope is the excuse of checking to see if the one that dumped us is okay and see if there is anything that can be salvaged, resolved, or fixed so things can return to the way it was.

When in this type of denial, a smile will get you convinced the feelings are still there on their part, and you will be willing to foolishly settle for being friends and staying in touch often and keeping them in your life. "To be there for them".

Hanging on to false hope you can be friends is a torture to you both, and creates constant state of confusion and distraction and delays even starting the healing process, and makes letting go even harder.

Of course she is okay. Ending a relationship is a change of heart and feeling, and she may not know or can't articulate why. That's what you really want to know. WHY she dumped you because of course you don't understand it at all do you?

She told you clearly her priorities, hopes and dreams have CHANGED. Her path to happiness just doesn't include you. She wants to figure it out without you for sure. And the path you are on doesn't include friendship unless a proper healing takes place. A hard pill to swallow, I know and sympathize with, so do what you have to do, have your talk, but you haven't listened so far, and I doubt you will until you are sick and tired of the self inflicted pain misery and confusion.

That's why I question the notion of seeing if she is okay, because we both know that's NOT the real reason for this meet up. You just are not ready to close that door on your life, and disappear, and leave her alone. I get it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Closure is accepting you have been dumped, and start a healing process. False hope is the excuse of checking to see if the one that dumped us is okay and see if there is anything that can be salvaged, resolved, or fixed so things can return to the way it was.

When in this type of denial, a smile will get you convinced the feelings are still there on their part, and you will be willing to foolishly settle for being friends and staying in touch often and keeping them in your life. "To be there for them".

Hanging on to false hope you can be friends is a torture to you both, and creates constant state of confusion and distraction and delays even starting the healing process, and makes letting go even harder.

Of course she is okay. Ending a relationship is a change of heart and feeling, and she may not know or can't articulate why. That's what you really want to know. WHY she dumped you because of course you don't understand it at all do you?

She told you clearly her priorities, hopes and dreams have CHANGED. Her path to happiness just doesn't include you. She wants to figure it out without you for sure. And the path you are on doesn't include friendship unless a proper healing takes place. A hard pill to swallow, I know and sympathize with, so do what you have to do, have your talk, but you haven't listened so far, and I doubt you will until you are sick and tired of the self inflicted pain misery and confusion.

That's why I question the notion of seeing if she is okay, because we both know that's NOT the real reason for this meet up. You just are not ready to close that door on your life, and disappear, and leave her alone. I get it.

Its gonnah be hard... what if she ask just a little space on her own? What does that mean?

You are going to have to ask her what she means. No one else but her knows.