Ask Me Help Desk - So mad at myself.

So mad at myself.

So me and my ex girlfriend have been broken up for 8 months, but through out the whole thing we have kept contact. Mostly us just meeting up and having sex but recently it has been a lot of me begging her back, she broke up with me back in April.

She was my girlfriend of 3 years and I knew her for 5 years before that. So we have tons of history, we lived together but it was at that point to where we was kind of sick of each others faces and we would argue over everything so one night we got into a huge argument and I told her to leave but that is a different story for another time, ANYWAY.

Recently I have been begging her back because I realized I screwed up & I feel like I know what mistakes I made and not to make them again and she has been ignoring me. She blocked me on everything and wouldn't answer her phone, I was sick of being in pain so that is when I found this website and the No contact rule which helped me a lot. I held no contact for 2 days until last night she called me, I couldn't resist I gave in and called her back.

We ended up skyping and she pretty much told me she loves me but she is afraid of giving us another chance because of our past. She also has been checking my social networking websites everyday and was getting jealous over other girls that liked my pictures etc. She told me I was the only guy she cares about and I was her first true love, her exact words was "It's been 9 months and it's still like we just broke up I am not ready to move on and find someone else, everything reminds me of you."

She also asked me why I had not been trying to message her or call her and I told her the truth, she kept rejecting me and ignoring me when I tried so I gave up. Before we got off skype she said "I love you" but today I tried to calling her and no one answered so I texted her and she told me to stop texting her that last night was goodbye.

So now I am just so mad at myself for even giving her the time of day yesterday, I shouldn't have even called her back. But why would she have even called me and skyped me if last night was goodbye, I feel like she is doing the push/pull routine on me and honestly it is just messing with my head so bad.

What should I do now? Just got back into no contact and if she does try to call me again don't give her the time of day? 2 days was so hard and after last night I am back at day one, help..

No contact is no contact. Plain and simple, cut and dried.

Block her number, block her FB, block her from your life entirely. You will never heal and move on if this back and forth continues.

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Originally Posted by J_9

No contact is no contact. Plain and simple, cut and dried.

Block her number, block her FB, block her from your life entirely. You will never heal and move on if this back and forth continues.

Just doesn't make any sense why she wants me to chase her if she doesn't want me back anytime soon.

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Originally Posted by depressedzombie

Just doesn't make any sense why she wants me to chase her if she doesn't want me back anytime soon.

It makes her feel wanted, even though she doesn't want YOU.

Then stop chasing her. You don't need to know what her motives are, you just need to move on without her.

I just talked to her on skype and she claims she is not happy and has been having suicidal thoughts, mainly because of what I did.

She told me all she wanted to do was to get married to me but now she can't picture that dream coming true. And she claims she will never love or care for anyone ever again.

She just rejects all my attempts to make her happy though so how can I fix things if she won't even allow me to.

I guess NC will do us both some good.

I don't see any "no contact" no contact means not answering her phone calls, erasing any text message or email "WITHOUT READING" no contact at all.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

I don't see any "no contact" no contact means not answering her phone calls, erasing any text message or email "WITHOUT READING" no contact at all.

Are you aware of how hard that is when they contact you?

That's why you block them.

But I don't want to lose her :/ she was my best friend and I honestly thought she was going to be my wife. Now she just says she is unhappy and suicidal and talking to me makes her feel worse. Is NC really the only option I have, the mental pain is unreal. I have had dreams about her that wake me up every night for the past week and it is starting to get exhausting.

You don't want to lose her. You are failing to see what a toxic relationship this is.

No contact is the only way to go. It's the only way you are going to fully heal and move forward. No one said this is going to be easy. It will be pure hell for a week or two.

Or do you want to live your life in misery?

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

You don't want to lose her. You are failing to see what a toxic relationship this is.

No contact is the only way to go. It's the only way you are going to fully heal and move forward. No one said this is going to be easy. It will be pure hell for a week or two.

Or do you want to live your life in misery?

It is only toxic though because of mistakes I made in the past that I have learned from, is there no way of getting her trust back?

Oh gawd... she is telling you that she is suicidal and you fail to see how toxic this is?

I'm guessing that you are about 16 and this is the first love of your life.

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Originally Posted by J_9

Oh gawd... she is telling you that she is suicidal and you fail to see how toxic this is?

I'm guessing that you are about 16 and this is the first love of your life.

I am 19 and she is 20, and yes she is the first love of my life, I have known her since I was in 8th grade.

You are needy and she is manipulative. Is this the way you want to live your life or do you want a healthy relationship?

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Originally Posted by J_9

You are needy and she is manipulative. Is this the way you want to live your life or do you want a healthy relationship?

Why do you say she is manipulative and of course I want a healthy relationship but I want a healthy relationship with her...

I say she is manipulative because she is talking suicide. That's what manipulative people do.

You can't have a healthy relationship with her. It's not possible.

You are young. Learn from your mistakes, and move on.

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Originally Posted by J_9

I say she is manipulative because she is talking suicide. That's what manipulative people do.

You can't have a healthy relationship with her. It's not possible.

You are young. Learn from your mistakes, and move on.

I never really thought about it like that but now that you bring it up she has always manipulated me, when we lived together she would never let me do the things I wanted or let me hangout with my old friends. She has always been in control and now I just feel like a piece of meat she is just dragging along while putting all the blame on me. When I know for a fact everything wasn't my fault, thank you for giving me a realization. I will go into NC and stay that way no matter how hard she might pressure me or how painful it is. I hate that this is how my first love had to be but it has been one of the greatest learning experiences of my life.

She can't pressure you if you block her. Block her from your phone, FB, everything.

Yes, it was a learning experience. That's what first loves are. You learn to take the good and use that when looking for a partner. You learn the bad and that you don't want that in a relationship.

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Originally Posted by depressedzombie

But I don't want to lose her :/ she was my best friend and I honestly thought she was going to be my wife. Now she just says she is unhappy and suicidal and talking to me makes her feel worse. Is NC really the only option I have, the mental pain is unreal. I have had dreams about her that wake me up every night for the past week and it is starting to get exhausting.

I believe you already have lost her. If she really loves you, she will be right next to you right now, willing to forget and forgive all that you've had in the past. Instead, it seems like she is trying to keep you on her leash just to keep her ego moving while not intending on giving you what you need. I agree with no contact suggestion, but of course, it is easier said than done. I hope you will find your strength to get things right.

Clearly talking to each other constantly is making things worse. And clearly no contact is not working either.

Tell you what. Why don't you come up with a compromise.

Why don't you two stop contacting each other for a specific period. I'm going to say 6 months. And during these 6 months, both of you will have the time to clear your mind. I'm sure that if you do not contact each other for a good 6 months, your minds will be much clearer and more objective.

Then in 6 months you two can have another conversation about whether you should get back together, stay friends or stay away.

The reason I propose this is because until you both clear your minds, neither of you will be thinking straight and you are just beating a dead horse. Why not spend some time EACH, to regain your strength and objectivity before having another conversation.

If indeed you are stressing over this relationship break up, then you really do have to leave her alone until you have gotten yourself under much better control, and can make better adjustments to the reality of your situation, based on FACTS, and not just feelings of hurt and disappointment.

Thanks guys, I agree that time apart will help me and her fix both our lives, she is a very Christian girl & wants marriage but at the time of the break up 8 month ago I was the kind of person who liked to go out and party with friends. She has even hinted that in the future if I continue to fix my act there is a chance we will get back together but I just feel like that is false hope. It is just kind of a unreal experience because I have not went a month without talking to this girl for the past 8 years. So by NC it just scares me that I will never see or talk to her again. This girl isn't just ANY girl, but this is reality I guess and life gives no s. But with this NC I will work on myself so that if she does come back I can be the man she always wanted.

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Originally Posted by depressedzombie

she is a very Christian girl

Does she expect you to become a Christian too?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Does she expect you to become a Christian too?

Not at all, she just wants me to respect her familys religion. I have never been a religious person.

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Originally Posted by depressedzombie

Not at all, she just wants me to respect her familys religion. I have never been a religious person.

You don't have to be religious to show respect so how were you not respectful to her family or there religion? I do not understand what she expects of you.

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Originally Posted by depressedzombie

Not at all, she just wants me to respect her familys religion. I have never been a religious person.

If she's "very Christian," do you think that will work, since you are not at all religious? I'm not saying you should suddenly start going to church or join one, but she did say she wants you to "fix your act." What does that mean?

I wonder if she (and her family) will use your lack of interest in religion against you and as a reason not to reconnect with you in the future. I grew up in a very Christian family that refused to allow me to date guys who did not belong to the same church body we did. I'm wondering if you, as the unchurched person, will encounter this same resistance from her and her family. Maybe this is another reason to move on.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You don't have to be religious to show respect so how were you not respectful to her family or there religion? I do not understand what she expects of you.

I actually did a lot of disrespectful things, I went to there church a few times and would always get upset with her when I had to go. Which was a very childish thing to do, I should have went to make her happy and not complained. Looking back I did act very childish and selfish in ways but I have had time to reflect on little things like that and change myself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

If she's "very Christian," do you think that will work, since you are not at all religious? I'm not saying you should suddenly start going to church or join one, but she did say she wants you to "fix your act." What does that mean?

I wonder if she (and her family) will use your lack of interest in religion against you and as a reason not to reconnect with you in the future. I grew up in a very Christian family that refused to allow me to date guys who did not belong to the same church body we did. I'm wondering if you, as the unchurched person, will encounter this same resistance from her and her family. Maybe this is another reason to move on.

She isn't VERY Christian, It is more of her family when I first met her she was against how her family was but now that she is older she has started to lean towards it more but she does attend her familys church and she has never questioned my faith, she has also always dated outside of her religious community. She always just wanted me to go to church with her and her family to show them respect. But her family is against a lot of the things I do in my life like being covered in tattoos, you can't judge a book by it's cover but you can't tell them that.

Made it through today with NC, hopefully it gets easier. :/

It's really hard to do as we want when we have many influences and circumstances in our lives. Hard to let go of old ties, and build new ones. The hardest part of NC is closing that door completely, and with today's social network and texting, its all to hard resisting the tug from the past. it's a real challenge to completely ignore the trap of false hope and control ourselves when we get that text out of the blue and stir all those feelings up again.

I can tell you from experience that this is probably the hardest thing you can do in life, resisting the urge to keep hope alive regarding her. But you both will have to heal. That's going to take time. The first love is unforgettable, and will always have a place in your heart forever, but it will give way after focus returns but until then its very difficult, I won't lie. It will get better in time and you won't be so stuck on those feelings. Hopefully neither will she.

Remember that when you get those texts from the blue, because she will suffer through this too.

I broke down and messaged her again tonight and she said she hated me and to leave her alone, I see no hope anymore. I am so sick of being depressed.

Sorry you have gotten you closure this way, but now you have the incentive to make this the first day of your life by closing the door of the past forever, and opening a door to your own future.