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I been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and he has 3 kids with his ex, and I have one, and we have a baby together. His kids are so bad and yell at me constantly when I tell them what to do, and me and my boyfriend fight so much over it. He says I don't discipline my son like that. His kids are stressing me out so much and there's so much chaos. I'm always battling it out with his daughter and he doesn't like my son. What should I do? I have a chance to move out. Should I move out or not?
I cannot say if you should move out or not, but I can say if the adults cannot get on the same page through communication and not fighting, its time to re evaluate the whole relationship. You have to be honest with yourself and often a temporary break to regroup, and cool off is a good start when emotions run high.
You both really should start saying hello to Mr. Condom.
Lol. I actually did get pregnant on the pill with our baby . And when we got together he didn't have custody of them. But afterlife a yr he got all three and its been so chaotic since.Quote:
Originally Posted by Oliver2011
Four kids in one house will be hectic even if they are from the same parents.
It wasn't that bad until he got custody of his three. Its been so chaotic since! His kids aren't very respectful and ourr fights are all over that. And I don't want to raise my kids in such a chaotic stressful environment .
You and him need to come to some agreement on behaviour and discipline that's equal between all kids involved... and lay down the law to everyone.
They will only get away with what you both allow them to get away with.
If you two can't come to an agreement you both can live with... then you need to entertain moving out...
Yes your right but it's a different kind of chaotic , if that makes sense.. its easier for me to handle where its mine at times . I can't even tell his daughter to stop doing something or don't be mean to your brothers . She absolutely flips out on me screaming and yelling 'i hate you!'.. my boyfriend does discipline her but she just does not listen . We have a baby that I don't want him raised around all this fighting . You know .Quote:
Originally Posted by smoothy
How old are all the kids?
So he is not backing you and actually condoning their bad behavior in front of his kids.
Therefore
They see it as approval that they are allowed to treat you that way
They know daddy will back them up, therefore his disrespecting you is giving them the right to disrespect you. So you have 4 against you and your son.
If he can't get some backbone structure of 2 adults teaching kids how to be a respectful family I'd say it's a losing battle and you should pack it up and move.
And why you have to come to an agreement on acceptable behaviour and discipline that applies to all four kids equally... and you both make it clear they are to obey both of you... or suffer the consequences.
In effect you can't let the inmates run the prison.
I, too, cannot tell you to stay or go, but there are some things for you to consider:
For the baby's sake, you both need to agree on parenting choices. If you do move out, you will still have to co-parent the youngest with him.
Did he have the same issues with your son before his three moved in or the baby came? Is he trying to be more friend than Father to his children because of their history? If he was like this before the added children, I would consider walking. If he wasn't, I would look how things have changed and if his behavior is more defensive than offensive. Is he getting upset because he feels like he is in over his head?
You might also look at how you interact with his children. Are you taking a more disciplinarian role because he isn't or doesn't seem to be? You should be obeyed, but he needs to take the lead where his children are concerned just like you should take the lead with your son.
Are the children the only issue or are they the main manifestation of other problems such as communication breakdowns? If you could agree on a compromise about the children would you still want to leave?
Are you willing to put more energy into this relationship or have you had enough? If you stay, is there someone who could take the children for several hours/a day so that you can sit down and discuss the issues without little ears and interruptions? Would you be willing to try couple's counseling? If that isn't an option, what would you think about attending a parenting class with him?
If you move out, are you prepared to go through the proper channels to set up child visitation, support, etc.
Does his daughter have issues that maybe go deeper than wanting to get her way? Is she acting out because of something bothering her?
He don't always back them up. A few times though when we argued he said I was probably mean to his kids so his daughter remembers that and now when I just tell her, not yell, just tell her to stop whining or to do something , she flips out yelling she's telling her dad. But he does back me up always . His boys aren't thanks bad but his daughter doesn't listen at all and no matter what I say she flips out over the tiniest things . I'm so tired of fighting and arguing wishes a 12yr old. Its too much chaos . And I don't want my 10yr old and 1yr old growing up listening to that . You know..Quote:
Originally Posted by N0help4u
You fig she would realize by now if she tells her dad then she's just going to get yelled at twice but she's just hoping that that may be a day her dad is angry at me ir something and get angry at me for yelling at his kids. Because like I said their have been few times me and him fought and his kids heard him tell me his kids are probably right and that I'm probably mean to them. So that rite there probably messed sum things up. His kids are jealous of my 10yr old because he's a mamma's boy (their not around their mom a lot) and I'm easy and lovey dovey with him but he's my son. Me and his kids don't really bond a lot. We talk of course and get along when their being good but soon as I try and discipline one of them, especially the daughter , their disrespectful to me. And my son don't talk like that to my boyfriend... I have a chance to move out this month and I'm so stressed. I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend so much butwe fight constantly over these kids.
Ever since he got his kids its chaos! Me n his kiddie argue all the time! So bad where he has even kicked me out numerous times due to the fighting with them then me and him start fighting . His kids see and remember all that so now when their mad at me they scream and tell their dad they hate me and they wish ide leave again! It'd ridiculous!
Do you ever play with them? Have fun with them?
he is a very good disciplinary. My boyfriend disciplines the kids extremely well and is fair with all them. He's not more friend than father but his kids don't have their mom around a lot so their jealous at my son because my son has me. I get along with them but as I mentioned earlier their very disrespectful when I yell at them. And it wasn't that hard when it was just me him and my son. When his kids came their was so much fighting and chaos and getting used to three kids is not easy. They came down to visit and there mom pretty much said for us to Keep them because she can't handle them always fighting and arguing . So I had to adapt just like that . My boyfriend is good at grounding them and disciplining them. His daughter is main problem '! Even when their dad yells at her she's always screaming and arguing back and if I even tell her to stop doing something, she flips out like a banshee! Then theirs more yelling because she's screaming at him telling him I was mean then he yells at her for yelling at me. Its been two yrs and I'm tired of the chaos! I'm tired of listening to her run her mouth over everything!! And every time she gets yelled she screams and says my son never gets yelled at and he does this and thatt... she'll go on and on about my son. And when she thinks I'm not listening she will start with my son and be mean to him because she id jealous of him. When I tell her tp stop of course she yells and flips out. At times my boyfriend will make a comment about me saying something to her because he says I'm just sticking up for my son. Then that starts an argument . But there's times il yell at her for fighting with his other son. But he don't make a comment about that . But if its my son sometimes my boyfriend will comment that I'm just doing it because its my son. We've talked and talked numerous times about this and we just keep trying but it all stays same. I'm exhausted! I am tired of dealing with this . Its enough! His kkids are a lot to handle and he says my son is toi much for him. Mind you he has 3i have to deal with and I have 1 he has to deal with...Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
We have talked so much about all this. We keep saying we'll try but it comes down to the kids. I have left tons of times because all this then I miss my boyfriend and come back. His daughter says she don't like me and my son don't like my boyfriend (cuz he is very strict ) and my son don't like that. My boyfriend can treat me awesome like a queen but he can have a temper and say things he shouldn't in front of kids . Then I get mad and tell him don't talk to me like that in front of my son and that starts a fight.. I just don't think all this is going to change
The two of you need to get your cows in the same pasture -- which means be on the same page -- which means communicate much better with each other than what you are doing right now. You can't just cut and run every time things go sour (or you think they are) or every time you two have a fight.Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
Any chance the two of you can go to a few counseling sessions to talk with an unbiased someone about your relationship? And then move the conversation into TOGETHER parenting your blended family?
I didn't leave willingly . He actually kicks me out every time it gets real bad. Not every time but a lot. I'm tired of being told to leave and packing up a10yr old and a baby.. and his kids just don't listen . The are constantly fighting and nit picking at my son. Then it gets out of control . I can't live like this. His kids flip out so much on me. My son wld never have the guts to yell at my boyfriend like his daughter does to me. She gets yelled at but does it again the same day.. and his boy has mild autism . Always angry and makes negative digs and comments to all other kids continuously! Every day all day. Soon as he walks outside around other kids within few minutes he's saying something! So he's constantly being corrected.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Leave!!
I'm so confused ! I do love my boyfriend ssooo much but I can't take all this chaos... I have a chance to move out in 2 weeks and I swear I have ulcers in my stomach due to worrying! Its counting down and don't know what to do when 2weeks gets here! Do I go or not!?Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I feel so stuck and confused...
I feel like I only have few weeks to make a huge final decision... my mind's so boggled I'm about to Have a nervous break down..
And that will be good for the kids how?Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
What you mean ? Moving out or staying wouldn't be Google for kids?? Moving out was an option because there is so much fighting and arguing wishes his kids and we have a baby that I don't want him raised around all the fighting and chaos. His kids are also jealous because my son has me , his mother and they don't . I bond wishes them but soon as I have to tell them what to do or not to do something they flip...Quote:
Originally Posted by Oliver2011
Harshness AlertQuote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
I have gotten the feeling you are contributing to some of the chaos by how you are managing the children. You have become just another child and end up fighting and arguing. That's why I suggested you and your boyfriend find a counselor and figure out how to communicate with each other and be on the same page regarding the kids, and then parent them so the chaos disappears.
For instance, you have no status with his children, Therefore, you cannot TELL them what to do. As you have seen, it doesn't work that way. But there IS a way to make your blended family work.
Well all the kids know were the boss and they must listen. The boys aren't nearly half as bad as his daughter . I know its her age and hormones too but I came even say anything to her. Ex:she was whining because she was playing game of football with the boys and when boys made a touchdown, she started yelling that its not fair and on and on n on..,. I just said in normal tone to stop whining , that's the name of the game ! Each team tries to get touchdowns.. you came play if your going to get mad each time they score. That's what their supposed to do. Were at the park and she started yelling she hates me and I always yell at her and told her dad I was up there' being ssooo mean to her!! She totally lied her off! I didn't even yell. I told her. She's extremely immature for her age. Its very obvious and she can't play games with other kids or anything . Shell very selfish and has poor socialization skills... she's a brat! There... il say it. Call me mean or whatever but she a brat.. very mouthy and disrespectful!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
She's mouthy and disrespectful because you lead her in that direction. I would have been mouthy and disrespectful (and you would have too) had someone said that to me.Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
Why couldn't you have empathized with her -- "Yup, it really seems unfair about those touchdowns, doesn't it" That would have given her a chance to express herself better than just yelling at you and acting out.
Do you ever play with these kids and have fun, or are you the great disciplinarian who is always riding herd on them?
Why are you putting this added stress of a time limit to leave on yourself? What's that all about?
I say just make a decision to leave and be done with it and forget all this emotional back and forth, since neither of the adults seem to be able to run this household one because you both have issue with each others children, and YOU obviously resent HIS kids for changing your home.
I just don't think you guys work well together under pressure despite the good qualities you both have. Blending a family is a huge endeavor, and you two just don't have the unity, or patience to do it. And obviously you cannot just hang in and keep working.
So this experiment has FAILED. Back up, start over. There is no mutual commitment or plan,
just the chaos him and his children have caused. LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah it was great when it was just you, him, YOUR kid and a baby (How old I that baby?), but add his older kids in the mix, everything has changed and moved you out of your comfort zone. Ain't what you contracted for is it? So just leave and be done with the chaos.
Maybe you both can get it together later, but for now, its best if you get it together apart.
I 100% agree. But whatelse is new?Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
His boys aren't as pouty as she is.and they don't freak out yelling just cause I tell them to do something.. they may sigh and mumble under their breath but nothing like the girl . She hates being told when to do and constantly complains. She's mean . Always tries to act bossy to the boys and hits them and yells at them. I'm telling you she's a brat! I been around tons of kids and she's a selfish mouthy little girl! Every one (adults ) says they can't believe how ignorant she is.Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
Yes we do stuff all the time together . And you have to understand it may even sound harsh reading it but when I said that to her at the park able whining, I said it in a very calm cool and collect voice . It didn't sound mean at all. It didn't sound like an order or anything . Even when her dad tells her something simple , she yells 'OMG' over and over and complains and complains... over simple things! She's disrespectful to others too not just us. We had so many complaints from her friends parents and people at park because of her attitude... we do do stuff as a family . Me and my boyfriend have a 1yr old back together . All the kids are great with the baby..Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
From the way it sounds you focus way too much on the negative and not enough when they do something positive. So the kids want attention and since they can't get it with positive behavior they use negative behavior to get it. Think about it without a bunch of written down excuses typed on this website. I used to teach behavior modification and you don't modify behaviors with negative interactions. You do it through positive discipline and structure. Like Wondergirl said you are definitely adding to the chaos and negativity of that house. So change your behaviors and you will see changes in the kids.Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
Again - think about it without excuses replying on this website.
I think you should leave. This is crazy, He puts you out then you come back. The kids see this. This is not a stable condition. Maybe the daughter is angry about her mom being away, so she has issues. Counseling needs to be had for that.
Not all blended families work and you still have to be a parent to your two.
If he agrees to parent counseling, give it a try. If he does not, leave.
who is talaniman. Are you n wonder girl same person? Sorry got confused because their was so many replies.. lol. The moving out date I'm stressing over is because in two weeks theirs a house going to be ready if I want it . If I don't they need to know so they can rent it out to someone else . So the day they call I have to tell landlord yes I want it or no.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Does your boyfriend know of this move you are contemplating?
I feel she's just bitter . Maybe its her age but every thing has to be her way or no way.. we can sit there's and watch her hit her brothers then when we tell her to stop she don't justifications get little mad, she flips out...Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
And that's the wrong way to handle it.Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
And when she does this her father does what about it?Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
He doesn't know completely about me moving . Every time he fights with me n gets really mad, he'll tell me to pack my kids up (the baby is his n mine too) and leave . Last time he said it I told him given me few weeks and il be out. But a day later when he's not mad anymore, nothing more is said about it... he'll really go off on me and say nasty stuff in front of the kids . My son cries and gets upset from hearing what he says to me. And to be honest, few times he has pushed me around some..Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Why is that wrong way? We can't tell boys not to do it but let her.. . we just don't say stop. We explain that the boys aren't allowed to touch her so she can't hit them either...Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
This situation is totally out of control. The parents are acting like their out-of-control children. Or, more likely, the children are imitating their out-of-control parents.Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
He is a very good dad. He does take my side and disciplines them very fairly .Quote:
Originally Posted by smoothy
I am hearing only negatives. If someone said "Don't do this" and "Don't do that" to you all the time, how would you react?Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
I don't think his daughter likes her dad having a girlfriend. I think she's a little jealous .Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
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