HI everyone. I have a boyfriend from past 4 years and we are in a good relationship. But few years back due to some family issues I got married to some other guy and had to move to some other city. Even after my marriage we still are in touch and in the same kind of relationship we use to be.

Recently he too got married to some other girl (whom he doesn't love) that's what he told me. His behavior changed and mine to, as I am too possessive about him. He says he's confused as I'm his love and she is his responsibility. So he needs some time to think about our relationship.

We have not talked since a month as I am giving him space to think but I am missing him a lot and don't want to lose him. Please let me know what to do. My married life was never good since beginning, please help.

You do not concern yourself with him. Deal with.getting your current situation where you want it. If that means divorce do it for you not in hopes of getting with him. In fact do not call him he is married. He probably, might of said he is not happily Married to ease your hurt.

Maybe he is trying to make his marriage work, he married her for a reason. You should be trying to make yours work too. Leave him alone.

I really love him... and he too... itsjust because of him I am able to live my married life... dont know what happened... I can't live without him...

Does your husband know of your boyfriend? What are you doing to fix your marriage? Does his wife know about YOU?

Leave the boyfriend alone because it doesn't matter if you miss him or lose him because it our marriage you should be focused on not a feel good boyfriend to help you endure it. I mean who get married because of family problem in the first place?

Maybe it' a cultural misunderstanding on my part so please clarify but if you have a bad marriage you should leave. Why can't you?

Why did you get married in the first place if you were still planning on carrying on with him? Maybe he got tired of you being married and decided to find someone for himself.

"i can't live without him... " Yes you can. Let's not be over dramatic here.

This has disaster written all over it. You chose someone to marry and so did he. That's it. If you carry on with this how many lives are you willing to destroy?

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Originally Posted by only depressed

i really love him...and he too...itsjust coz of him i am able to live my married life...dont knw what jus happened...i can't live without him...

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I doubt he feels like he can't live without you. I'm guessing he got married because he wants a real life, real relationship. Leave him alone and either were work on your marriage or leave it .

Guys I do understand what you all are saying.. but the point is he(my boyfriend) asked me to get married to him before I got married but I refused do to family issues on my end... he then got engaged to someone under family pressures... but still we were same in our relation whole of his courtship period... even after his engagement only I was his first prioprity... then after a year I got married in a very welloff family but my husband due to his dominating nature ,his fat appearance and very kiddish nature etc never made a place in my heart... even living culture diffrence really disappointed me... I live with my inlaws who are open minded but really interfearing... so only whom I can relate to the love of my life is my boyfriend because even after my wedding we remained the same for two year till he got married... I tried hurting myself many times... it seems my life is in ruins... no one love me.. I am not taking divorse because of my family and little sibling... tired of trusting and waiting for true person who understand me... I don't want let my boyfriend go because I know he somewhere still loves and care about me...

All due respect but you sound like you are from India and involved with some kind of cultural/caste/arrangement and are not happy with the results.

Do you work and can be independent on your own? What would happen specifically if YOU choose to get your act together and be happy on your own?

I ask because you have made what was the happiness of the past into a crutch to not deal with the present. For whatever reason you both chose to please your families instead of yourselves, that is what you must either commit to, or leave.

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the point is he(my boyfriend) asked me to get married to him before i got married but i refused do to family issues on my end...he then got engaged to someone under family pressures...

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I can imagine your family put great pressure on you, but YOU chose to put family before a love marriage, and its time to let the mistakes of the past go, so a healing can lead to acceptance and deal with what you have allowed yourself to be led to.

The first step is letting him go. And hurting yourself over this is no more honorable than making family needs greater than marrying the one you wanted in the first place. Your way hasn't worked, nor will it, but healing and accepting its too late to go back, maybe you can find a way forward.

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Originally Posted by only depressed

Guys i do understand what u all r saying..but the point is he(my boyfriend) asked me to get married to him before i got married but i refused do to family issues on my end...he then got engaged to someone under family pressures...but still we were same in our relation whole of his courtship period...even after his engagement only i was his first prioprity ....then after a year i got married in a very welloff family but my husband due to his dominating nature ,his fat appearence n very kiddish nature etc never made a place in my heart ....even living culture diffrence really dissappointed me...i live with my inlaws who r open minded but really interfearing ...so only whom i can relate to the love of my life is my boyfriend coz even after my wedding we remained the same for two year till he got married....i tried hurting myself many times...it seems my life is in ruins.....no one love me..i am not taking divorse coz of my family n lil sibling...tired of trusting n waiting for true person who understand me...i dnt want let my boyfriend go coz i know he somewhere still loves n care abt me...

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You obviously don't understand, we get that. If you love Guy A you don't go off and marry Guy B. It really is a simple concept.

"i tried hurting myself many times..." If I had a nickel for every time I heard that. It makes a ton of sense that hurting yourself will not only make Guys A & B like you more, but also Guys C, D, E, F, G H, etc.

You know life is pretty difficult. Why add self-induced drama to the equation?

Then what should I do... as my boyfriend is confused and doesn't want to be with me anymore or watever(dats what evryones suggesting)... n on top of that I am not happy in my married life its not working... I can't take a divorce... now what options I am left with... I am confused and out off my mind

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Originally Posted by only depressed

then what should i do...as my boyfriend is confused n dosent want to be with me anymore or watever(dats what evryones suggesting)...n on top of that i am not happy in my married life its not working...i can't take a divorce...now wat options i am left with...i am confused n out off my mind

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Every post you've written it's all about you. How you feel. What you want. How you can't carry on without him. Not once did you show any concern for him or what he wants.

This isn't love, it's dependency. You depend on him to make you happy.

Your option is to try to find happiness in your life, and deal with the choices you made. You can divorce if you're not happy in your marriage. You can try to work on your marriage, something you never even gave a chance because you entered the marriage with a boyfriend.

What you can't do is expect this boyfriend to give up his life, and his chance for happiness, just because you're miserable.

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Originally Posted by only depressed

then what should i do...as my boyfriend is confused n dosent want to be with me anymore or watever(dats what evryones suggesting)...n on top of that i am not happy in my married life its not working...i can't take a divorce...now wat options i am left with...i am confused n out off my mind

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You leave the boyfriend to his life. Let him be happy with his wife and you work on your marriage. Try showing your husband a bit of respect and kindness because you have done nothing but disrespect him from the beginning.
Think about someone other than yourself for a change, you may find you can be happy.

You need a life that you enjoy without him. You cannot change what he has decided to do, but you can change what you do about the life you have. His distraction is no longer an option.

My husband from the starting never loved me.. he just says that... he just wanted a girl who can take care of the family and show me off in his friend circle... he does fulfill my wishes... but I never was attracted towards him because he's very very fat... I feel ashamed to introduce him to my friends etc... n he's dominating tooo it's a big turn off... I found every happiness in my boyfriend only... I want him back... pllzzz

What's done is done. What do you think cane done different at this point in time. Like I said you can get a divorce BUT what could possibly be your NEXT step??

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Originally Posted by only depressed

i jus want him back ....pllzzz

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How do you think we can get him back for you?

You're very selfish. He's happy with his new life, but instead of letting him be happy, and work on his marriage, you continue to hound him to be with you, take care of your happiness. That's not love. If you really love him, you'll let him go so he can be happy. Your happiness is the only thing that matters to you. His doesn't matter at all

Very selfish.

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Originally Posted by only depressed

my husband from the starting never loved me..he just says that ....he just wanted a girl who can take care of the family n show me off in his friend circle....he does fulfill my wishes...but i never was attracted towards him coz hes very very fat...i feel ashamed to introduce him to my friends etc...n hes dominating tooo its a big turn off...i found every happiness in my boyfriend only...i jus want him back ....pllzzz

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This is going to be harsh:

Stop the self-pity party. This isn't about your husband or your ex. This is about you, your expectations and your behavior.

Your family didn't approve of your marrying the boyfriend. He got engaged to someone else. That should have been the end of your relationship with him. Instead the two of you continue to play games. Then you marry and do you give your new husband a chance? No! You act like a spoiled child and continue to play with your boyfriend. Now, the boyfriend is married and hasn't been in touch with you lately. Do you think it is time to grow up and ac like a mature female? No! You act like the child who has had her favorite toy taken away. It's all about you.

I am sorry that I cannot feel any sympathy or empathy for your situation. I might have when all of this started, but you chose to be a cheater and seem to have done nothing but whine about not getting your way.

You say negative things about your husband. But you haven't given him a chance. You have played games with your boyfriend instead of working on your marriage. Your husband may seem dominating because you aren't there emotionally or mentally. So what if he isn't thin. Great looks can hide a rotten center. You are looking for faults in your husband. You appear to refuse to see any positive aspects of him. He says he loves you. You blow it away as though it is dust on a book. He fulfills your wishes, but there is one he can't do anything about. He cannot turn into your boyfriend. Should he divorce you? Would you want that to happen?

You need to let the boyfriend go. Pretend he moved to Mars and you will never hear or see him again. Put your energy into your marriage. Try to get to know your husband as the individual he is. Look beyond outer appearances. Get to know the man. Put effort into making a marriage.

What do you know about your husband? His favorite color? Song? Movie? Book? Hobbies?

Maybe he does love you. You seem to be the one faking any emotions. Stop looking for a way out. Start looking for ways to improve your marriage.

You can either live in the past and cry about the wrongs done to you or you can work on building a better future. I hope you choose to work with your husband to build a better future.

I really love my boyfriend... n I want to see him happpy... im not selfish... ill tried letting him go for his happiness but still struggling... n about my husband we did gave a chance to better our relationship but not much changes were seen... if I don't know his fav colour, movie ,hobbies... he doesn't know mine either... I know I am not giving my 100% to my marrige but I a trying too... I want evryone to be happpy and me tooo... is that so difficult...

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Originally Posted by only depressed

my husband from the starting never loved me..he just says that ....he just wanted a girl who can take care of the family n show me off in his friend circle....he does fulfill my wishes...but i never was attracted towards him coz hes very very fat...i feel ashamed to introduce him to my friends etc...n hes dominating tooo its a big turn off...i found every happiness in my boyfriend only...i jus want him back ....pllzzz

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"n show me off in his friend circle...."

I am guessing the times he shows you off are few and far between.

You are miserable but you and only you created this miserable life. It is yours to fix. I agree with Joy - you only think of yourself.

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Originally Posted by only depressed

i really love my boyfriend...n i want to see him happpy...im not selfish...ill tried letting him go for his happiness but still struggling...n about my husband we did gave a chance to better our relationship but not much changes were seen....if i dont knw his fav colour, movie ,hobbies...he dosent knw mine either....i knw i am not giving my 100% to my marrige but i a trying too....i want evryone to b happpy n me tooo...is that so difficult....

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From what you have told us, your boyfriend has always been in the picture. If not by his choice, then by you holding on to thoughts of him. You have not let him go and allowed the memories to fade. You seem to cling to them and him. You have to let go.

I know I am from a completely different culture. I do not fully understand the concept of arranged marriages or parents/family having a major say in who you marry. I do know that any marriage-love or arranged-needs complete commitment if it is going to succeed. Happiness is something you have to find inside yourself. If you do, then you stand a greater chance of finding it in your marriage.

You have to let the boyfriend go. You have to decide from this day forward you are going to find other things in your life to increase your happiness. I don't know what those things are. It is up to you to find them. It could be a hobby. It could be going to school. It could something as simple a looking around you and thinking how lucky you are to be alive and well.

Decide to be happy and you will be. I am not saying it will be easy. However, life isn't easy. But it doesn't have to be harder than it is. Your choice: Happiness or Misery? Which one do you want to nurture?

Had a talk with my boyfriend yeaterday... he said he was still confused and now finally said just want to keep me as a friend as I was being over possesive about him... I told him to be happy in watever he decides... so finally I am alonen in bad state trying to fix up my marriege or may be breaking it up...

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Originally Posted by only depressed

had a talk with my boyfriend yeaterday...he said he was still confused n now finally said just want to keep me as a friend as i was being over possesive about him...i told him to be happy in watever he decides....so finally i am alonen in bad state trying to fix up my marriege or may be breaking it up...

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Do not think in terms of what your ex decides. Make the decision to let go for yourself. Put the negative thoughts aside and look for positive ones. It will affect how you feel and see the world around you.

You have other friends, don't you? Can you talk to them about fixing your marriage and finding ways to make yourself happy?

If your husband is willing, you might consider Marriage Counseling. If he isn't, you might consider counseling for yourself. It would give you someone to talk to face-to-face about your feelings and ways to move forward.

I hope everything works out for the best for you.

I hope so... this might add some meaning to my life... thanks evryone for advising n helping me out...

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Originally Posted by only depressed

i hope so...this might add some meaning to my life...thanks evryone for advising n helping me out...

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I am pretty convinced you haven't heard a word we said.

Of course I did... im trying to work on my marriage... letting my boyfriend to be happy in watever he wants... now where am I wrong...

Fine I am still not over it... its difficult to stay alone... I miss himm...

Again - if you are in love with Guy A you don't marry Guy B.

And since he is married you need to leave him alone completely. There is no way you can save your marriage and continue to talk to him. You are basically emotionally cheating on your husband and that is wrong.

Leave the guy alone, and eventually you WILL get over him, and be able to deal with reality. Takes time, and work, so don't just sit and dwell on the past, or your feelings. Get busy and make your world a happier place and stop the pity party.

Do something good for yourself, right now.

She is married too. I think she is more miserable and obsessed than in love.

I have given lot for other people happiness always... whether it were my past relations or present... I am not that strong enough to compromise each time for others... I tried giving my marriage a chance it did not work... I am still trying... but I guessil always remain empty handed... no one cares and understand me even thou I go out of the way to help them in all terms...

You keep trying or you leave the marriage. Your life can be full. Are there things you enjoy doing? Do you work, take classes? You need to find your happiness but not with a man who is married.

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Originally Posted by only depressed

i have given lot for other people happiness always...whether it were my past relations or present ...i am not that strong enough to compromise each time for others...i tried giving my marriage a chance it did not work...i am still trying...but i guessil always remain empty handed....no one cares n understand me even thou i go outta the way to help them in all terms...

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That's a load of bull, and you know it. Get off the pity pot and help yourself by getting stronger than you say you are not. Stop making dumb excuses for you not doing good things for yourself. Or acting in YOUR best interests.

You have been taking the easy way out for a long time, and it about time you got busy for yourself. The love for others is FALSE if you do not know how to love YOURSELF.

Holy crappies I totally agree. No one on this planet can have pity for you because you have soooooooooo much for yourself.

"i go outta the way to help them in all terms... " - I don't agree. Reread your posts. You only think about you. Even if your marriage ended Guy B is still off limits.

You need to appreciate what you have and know there are always people far off worse than you. Try volunteering at some organization so that you can give back to this world. You know - it isn't all about you.

I can't be happy and satisfied with anything in my life... tried all good thoughts ,messages,worship,meditation,exercises... nothings helping...

Then you need to keep trying. This man has a wife he chooses to stay with.
You need to get a life. Are you still in your marriage?

He recently found out his wife is cheating on him... hes confused n he doesn't want to get separated becoz of family issues... im in mid way... trying to work out on my marriage tooo...

There are only two correct choices, you both divorce, and then be with him.

Or you stop seeing him completely and either divorce and have own life, or work on your marriage.

You can not, and should not be with him, and either of you married.

He finds out his wife is cheating and he still wants to stay. He chose her, but if you two are still talking to each other, he is cheating as well.
You guys need to either divorce your spouses or leave each other alone.