So, the story goes like this: my ex girlfriend and I have been together since she was 16 and I was 18. I am 21 now and she is 19. Like all of our relationships, we had our ups and downs. However, four days ago we had a talk about intimacy issues (she felt like she had to force herself to be horny) I then told her that it is not necessary for her to force herself to have sex with me. She then started to cry and pour her heart out to me saying that she doesn't know why she does not love me as much as she use to, and that we would always talk about how we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, but she does not feel the same way anymore. Shortly after, she proceeded to tell me that she still wanted to try and work it out because we have such a long history together.

Fast forward to yesterday, after coming back from a date, I knew that the past couple of days that she has fallen out of love with me and that she was only staying with me because of our long history. We talked about it on the drive home and she said that she felt that we were so young and she does not want to settle down and needs to figure out what she really wants.

We were best friends, we grew up together, I'm so lost, and I am currently trying to do NC. I want her back so badly, but from the lurking through this site, I know that seldom happens.

I just need people to talk to and vent my frustrations because all of our friends are mutual friends and I do not want to go running to them about our relationship issues because I know they'll talk to her about it. Can you guys please tell me it's going to be okay? I can't sleep, I can't eat, my body aches, and I feel like this is all my fault.

Breakups suck. They make us feel badly. We have all been there and we have all survived. You will too. It is going to hurt badly for a while and then each day you will feel a tiny bit better. There are things you can do too to help you feel whole again. If you sit around moping about this you will continue to feel bad. If you get outside, exercise, go out with friends, do something you want to do, then little by little you will feel better.

But if you two are going to breakup, you need to stop all communication. Hanging on is the worst thing you can do.

I wish you the best.

I know this is counter intuitive to most people's philosophy on AMHD, but (considering we are already broken up), do you think that she will ever fall in love with me again?

I'm really scared, man. She was half of me. (I sound so weak, yes.)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by needhelp1268

I know this is counter intuitive to most people's philosophy on AMHD, but (considering we are already broken up), do you think that she will ever fall in love with me again?

I'm really scared, man. She was half of me. (I sound so weak, yes.)

---

Well I have a policy never to go backwards in life. She could take you back, but you need to prepare yourself if she decides that is not her plan.

"I'm really scared, man. She was half of me." Why do you let someone control you like that? I let nobody have that control over me. I am totally in love with my partner and it is the absolute best relationship I've ever had. I am hoping it is my last relationship. But if something were to happen to us, I know that I am a strong person and that I decide to have a good day no matter what happens. I've been there, done that, and gotten through it just fine. Do what I said and also learn to appreciate the smallest things in life.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by needhelp1268

I know this is counter intuitive to most people's philosophy on AMHD, but (considering we are already broken up), do you think that she will ever fall in love with me again?

I'm really scared, man. She was half of me. (I sound so weak, yes.)

---

I won't say yes or no, because the future is fairly unpredictable. I will say that if she does, you both need to let go of the past. There is no going back. Couples who try generally end up failing. They are so busy looking back they trip over the new obstacles.

What you both need to do is move forward. Allow yourselves to let go and heal. Learn to be whole again. Learn how to be single and to enjoy your life.

Let the fear go. Fear becomes insecurity and no relationship truly thrives when there is a cloud of insecurity hanging over it. It is also unfair to anyone (including your ex if you do try again) you attempt to have a relationship with to burden them with your insecurity. It may feel like it is your baggage and you are the one shouldering it, but in reality you will be making others carry it for you. That includes friends and family as well as romantic interests.

If somewhere in the distant future you should decide to try again, take time to get to know each other as the people you are instead of holding on to the people you were.

Give yourself a chance and the tools to be able to heal. Yes, it hurts. But you can lessen the pain by accepting the need to let go.

Thank you guys so much for your responses. It means the world to me right now to be able to talk about this.

If she attempts to communicate with me, via text, call, or IM, do I respond? Ignore? Keep in mind, I DO want to get back with her.

It depends on the subject matter really. If she keeps dangling a carrot in front of you giving you false hope then that would be unhealthy for you. But in no way should you be waiting for communication. Get back into life, smile, and things will get better. I believe that when the door slams in your face you don't just open another door. I believe you kick the next damn door down and move your life forward.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

It depends on the subject matter really. If she keeps dangling a carrot in front of you giving you false hope then that would be unhealthy for you. But in no way should you be waiting for communication. Get back into life, smile, and things will get better. I believe that when the door slams in your face you don't just open another door. I believe you kick the next damn door down and move your life forward.

---

How long did it take you to get over the pain?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by needhelp1268

How long did it take you to get over the pain?

---

Bad approach. You are going to let the pain dictate how long? Heck no. You are in total control of that starting right now. You can't see it because your mind is focused on negative things. Again if you sit around and mope, not eat, do nothing you will continue to feel bad. If you go for a run, exercise how you want to exercise, go fishing, volunteer at an animal shelter and watch all those tails wag, you will begin to feel better.

I promise you this works.

It has only been a few hours and I've gone out walking, tried to read a book, take showers, and it just seems like I can't get rid of her in my head. The thoughts of everything that I did wrong in the relationship seems like it's on repeat.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by needhelp1268

It has only been a few hours and I've gone out walking, tried to read a book, take showers, and it just seems like I can't get rid of her in my head. The thoughts of everything that I did wrong in the relationship seems like it's on repeat.

---

Do you have any friends you can hang out with? Maybe go some place and meet new people? I do not mean dating. Just meeting people who might even become new friends.

I have always found that when I want to keep my thoughts from constantly repeating it helps to start something new. It takes more focus. Do you have any interests you have been thinking about looking into but haven't?

Can you come up with some ways to change your habits so that you aren't constantly running into memories? Some people find listening to new music, watching shows you normally don't, taking different routes to school/work, going to different stores, etc. help build new memories causing older ones to fade.

Remember that this going to take time and for the first while it will take a lot of effort. But keep telling yourself that you will get through this.

I am a 14 year old girl, I don't know how my advice will be.
I think you should like take her to where you guys had your first date, and after that ask her how she is feeling. If she is having any of the same feelings. Breakups are VERY hard. I can only imagine how hard it would be to fall in love with someone. And be with them for SO long. Then her falling out of love when you are falling in love. I'm sorry if it was a waste of time reading this.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by niallover101

I am a 14 year old girl, I don't know how my advice will be.
I think you should like take her to where you guys had your first date, and after that ask her how she is feeling. if she is having any of the same feelings. breakups are VERY hard. I can only imagine how hard it would be to fall inlove with someone. and be with them for SO long. then her falling out of love when you are falling in love. im sorry if it was a waste of time reading this.

---

Thank you for your response. But, I don't think it's the best thing to go and chase after her at this moment when she is confused and not initiating contact. Anyone else agree?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by needhelp1268

Thank you for your response. But, I don't think it's the best thing to go and chase after her at this moment when she is confused and not initiating contact. Anyone else agree?

---

Yeaah, Like why put in an effort if she's not.

Any tips on falling asleep?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by needhelp1268

It has only been a few hours and I've gone out walking, tried to read a book, take showers, and it just seems like I can't get rid of her in my head. The thoughts of everything that I did wrong in the relationship seems like it's on repeat.

---

First thing you have to do is not beat yourself up for mistakes you made. Nobody is perfect in a relationship and that is okay. Learn from this and try not to repeat the mistakes, but not being perfect in a relationship is basically all of us.

As far as falling asleep, when my mother died I couldn't lay in my bed without losing it completely for the first week. I had to lay on the couch with the TV and then I would fall asleep. But like everything time tends to heal us. Other things that work would be wearing yourself out with exercise or start a new project.

Don't be afraid of the new change in your life. This change could point you in the direction whereas your life could take a change for the better. And then you will think to yourself "Why was I so upset in the first place".

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

First thing you have to do is not beat yourself up for mistakes you made. Nobody is perfect in a relationship and that is okay. Learn from this and try not to repeat the mistakes, but not being perfect in a relationship is basically all of us.

As far as falling asleep, when my mother died I couldn't lay in my bed without losing it completely for the first week. I had to lay on the couch with the TV and then I would fall asleep. But like everything time tends to heal us. Other things that work would be wearing yourself out with exercise or start a new project.

Don't be afraid of the new change in your life. This change could point you in the direction whereas your life could take a change for the better. And then you will think to yourself "Why was I so upset in the first place".

---

Hey, she called me last night when I had my phone on silent. Twice. I called her back this morning once but she didn't pick up (she's probably sleeping) did I make a mistake by calling back?

I also wanted to add that I am very sorry for the loss of your mom. I can not imagine how hard that was for you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by needhelp1268

Hey, she called me last night when I had my phone on silent. Twice. I called her back this morning once but she didn't pick up (she's probably sleeping) did I make a mistake by calling back?

---

Don't view your actions as mistakes or the perfect reaction to something. You are being way too hard on yourself. Your actions are just normal actions that any one of us would do.

If she keeps you hanging by a thread where it keeps your hopes alive that she might take you back and that never happens, then keeping the lines of communication open for whatever little morsals she gives you will not be the best thing for you. It will not allow you to move forward.

You really need to work on you. The most concerning part of this whole thing is how you allow someone else to control what kind of a day you have, how you feel, and they also control your happiness. I really wish you would work on that the most, but that has to be your decision.

Think of it this way. She breaks up with you. You go through pain. You finally move your life forward. You end up meeting the most amazing girl that you spend the rest of your life with and have 3 children and 10 grandchildren. All of that happened only because of the pain you went through now. So because another door is going to open, embrace this change and a new beginning.

Thank you for your words about my mom. That was 5 years ago. While I was very upset to lose her, I was thrilled she no longer had Alzheimers too.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Don't view your actions as mistakes or the perfect reaction to something. You are being way too hard on yourself. Your actions are just normal actions that any one of us would do.

If she keeps you hanging by a thread where it keeps your hopes alive that she might take you back and that never happens, then keeping the lines of communication open for whatever little morsals she gives you will not be the best thing for you. It will not allow you to move forward.

You really need to work on you. The most concerning part of this whole thing is how you allow someone else to control what kind of a day you have, how you feel, and they also control your happiness. I really wish you would work on that the most, but that has to be your decision.

Think of it this way. She breaks up with you. You go through pain. You finally move your life forward. You end up meeting the most amazing girl that you spend the rest of your life with and have 3 children and 10 grandchildren. All of that happened only because of the pain you went through now. So because another door is going to open, embrace this change and a new beginning.

Thank you for your words about my mom. That was 5 years ago. While I was very upset to lose her, I was thrilled she no longer had Alzheimers too.

---

You are telling me all of the things that I do not want to hear but I HAVE to hear. During the relationship, I was insecure, jealous, controlling at times. This is why I want her back. I know I made some mistakes and that I can do better. But, like you said: I can not fully love someone properly until I learn to act mature and love myself. Correct?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by needhelp1268

You are telling me all of the things that I do not want to hear but I HAVE to hear. During the relationship, I was insecure, jealous, controlling at times. This is why I want her back. I know I made some mistakes and that I can do better. But, like you said: I can not fully love someone properly until I learn to act mature and love myself. Correct?

---

Yup. And learn from this too. Bad behaviors in a relationship bring about a bad relationship.

Also know it is okay if you are not in a relationship for a while. You can use that time to become content with yourself and happy no matter who you are with or what kind of a day your having. You know I wake up every day telling myself I am going to have a good day and then I make it a good day. Granted I am more positive than most and sometimes my partner doesn't appreciate that, but that is the way I like to be. And honestly, if you had the choice of making it a good day or a bad day wouldn't you want to choose a good day all the time?

Smile, you are going to be fine.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Yup. And learn from this too. Bad behaviors in a relationship bring about a bad relationship.

Also know it is okay if you are not in a relationship for a while. You can use that time to become content with yourself and happy no matter who you are with or what kind of a day your having. You know I wake up every day telling myself I am going to have a good day and then I make it a good day. Granted I am more positive than most and sometimes my partner doesn't appreciate that, but that is the way I like to be. And honestly, if you had the choice of making it a good day or a bad day wouldn't you want to choose a good day all the time?

Smile, you are going to be fine.

---

Thank you for caring so much about my situation, even though you do not even know me. I am starting to feel better, but I know that my journey of recovery and growth is a long and slow one. I have been in relationships ever since I was a teenager and I suppose I do not know how to depend on myself for my own happiness.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by needhelp1268

Thank you for caring so much about my situation, even though you do not even know me. I am starting to feel better, but I know that my journey of recovery and growth is a long and slow one. I have been in relationships ever since I was a teenager and I suppose I do not know how to depend on myself for my own happiness.

---

No probs. I've been there. We all have. It just got to the point where I decided that nobody was going to control my happiness anymore. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Update: She called me and said she did not want to lose me and we should try again so we both have no regrets.

Seems you have a second chance to be a better person than you were and should be grateful, whether it works or not. Just remember how fast things can change and keep the attitude positive and just be happy.

?
Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

I agree with Talaniman 100%.

Also you need to have your own friends and your own activities. Spending 100% of your time with her isn't healthy or a recipe for a long term relationship. My partner and I are very close but we have our own things to do. That makes the time we are together that much more special.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

?
Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

I agree with Talaniman 100%.

Also you need to have your own friends and your own activities. Spending 100% of your time with her isn't healthy or a recipe for a long term relationship. My partner and I are very close but we have our own things to do. That makes the time we are together that much more special.

---

How often do you talk to your girlfriend? Hang out with her? Etc?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by needhelp1268

How often do you talk to your girlfriend? Hang out with her? Etc?

---

Ummmm my girlfriend is actually a boyfriend. We have lived together since January. We have worked together for 4 years and I've known him 3 years. Here's the thing:

He loves to surf every Saturday and Sunday mornings. I love to play tennis every Saturday and Sunday mornings. So we have our own activities and it's healthy not to give those up. But we talk all the time. Sometimes when the weather sucks for tennis, I will go with him to surf. He actually took today off work because the waves from Tropical Storm Andrea leaving are really good.

It is healthy to not spend every waking moment with your partner. That is a dependency that becomes unhealthy.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Ummmm my girlfriend is actually a boyfriend. We have lived together since January. We have worked together for 4 years and I've known him 3 years. Here's the thing:

He loves to surf every Saturday and Sunday mornings. I love to play tennis every Saturday and Sunday mornings. So we have our own activities and it's healthy not to give those up. But we talk all the time. Sometimes when the weather sucks for tennis, I will go with him to surf. He actually took today off work because the waves from Tropical Storm Andrea leaving are really good.

It is healthy to not spend every waking moment with your partner. That is a dependency that becomes unhealthy.

---

Although I do not show it to my partner, I feel this sense of co-dependency where my happiness is dictated by her being with me. Do you feel like you're secure enough as a person to walk away from the relationship you have with your boyfriend and still be happy? If so, how did you get so strong emotionally. I have never been taught these things and I want to feel emotionally stable, with or without her.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by needhelp1268

Although I do not show it to my partner, I feel this sense of co-dependency where my happiness is dictated by her being with me. Do you feel like you're secure enough as a person to walk away from the relationship you have with your boyfriend and still be happy? If so, how did you get so strong emotionally. I have never been taught these things and I want to feel emotionally stable, with or without her.

---

"Although I do not show it to my partner, I feel this sense of co-dependency where my happiness is dictated by her being with me." - Not a good way to live your life.

"Do you feel like you're secure enough as a person to walk away from the relationship you have with your boyfriend and still be happy?" Absolutely. Adam adds an incredible part to my life. But he isn't my whole life.

"If so, how did you get so strong emotionally." I told you this already. I decided probably back in 2001 or 2002 that I was never again going to allow anyone to dictate my happiness. I am generally a positive person anyway and I love having fun. But I decided I was going to control my happiness. I literally spend a few minutes every morning thinking how I am going to make today a good day. Now if Adam left me, which I doubt would happen, I would be down. But I wouldn't be out, that is for sure.

This living happy and in the moment was tested 5 years ago. Within a 2 month span my mother passed, my dad passed, I lost the job that I love, and I got divorced (yes I was married and living a lie). That was a huge test. If I can survive those major life events, then dammit I can survive anything. Plus I like being a fighter and a survivor.

It works - trust me.

One thing I should add - if I wouldn't have lost the job that I love (which made me sad) I wouldn't have met Adam (which was awesome). See what I mean? You don't know what new awesomeness will happen from change, so let change happen.

That is why I told you when life slams a door in your face kick a new door open. Control your life and your future.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

"Although I do not show it to my partner, I feel this sense of co-dependency where my happiness is dictated by her being with me." - Not a good way to live your life.

"Do you feel like you're secure enough as a person to walk away from the relationship you have with your boyfriend and still be happy?" Absolutely. Adam adds an incredible part to my life. But he isn't my whole life.

"If so, how did you get so strong emotionally." I told you this already. I decided probably back in 2001 or 2002 that I was never again going to allow anyone to dictate my happiness. I am generally a positive person anyways and I love having fun. But I decided I was going to control my happiness. I literally spend a few minutes every morning thinking how I am going to make today a good day. Now if Adam left me, which I doubt would happen, I would be down. But I wouldn't be out, that is for sure.

This living happy and in the moment was tested 5 years ago. Within a 2 month span my mother passed, my dad passed, I lost the job that I love, and I got divorced (yes I was married and living a lie). That was a huge test. If I can survive those major life events, then dammit I can survive anything. Plus I like being a fighter and a survivor.

It works - trust me.

One thing I should add - if I wouldn't have lost the job that I love (which made me sad) I woudln't have met Adam (which was awesome). See what I mean? You don't know what new awesomeness will happen from change, so let change happen.

That is why I told you when life slams a door in your face kick a new door open. Control your life and your future.

---

When walking through such a dark and painful tunnel, it's so difficult to see a positive outcome in the end. Especially when a positive outcome is not guaranteed. However, I'd like to let you know that I swallowed my pride and went to see a therapist. She reiterated all of the things you told me and, although I still feel this sense of insecurity, I'm trying my best to improve myself, physically and emotionally! P.S. This dark tunnel seems like a really long walk...

I just do not understand this concept that has been around called "no contact". If a couple breaks up it onlt stands to reason that there should be no contact, for a while anyway. You are both farily young. Move on. Everyone gets their heart broken,, even older people. My second wife "broke up" with me when I was 53. It hurt too. Learn about you and learn about more people.

"When walking through such a dark and painful tunnel, it's so difficult to see a positive outcome in the end. Especially when a positive outcome is not guaranteed." The positive outcome could be guaranteed if you would control it and allow it. A ton of how we feel and how we adapt to change is controlled by us. You just have to learn how to do that.

"I'd like to let you know that I swallowed my pride and went to see a therapist." Seeing a therapist is not a bad thing. You need someone to help you see the end of that tunnel. Hopefully he or she will help you obtain for self help skills.

The tunnel is as long as you make it.

People of AMHD, it has been two months since I've talked to you guys. Here's a little update: after the break up, we decided to give it another go and see where it takes us. She did not act the same (distant and cold) and she just was not the person that I fell in love with. (this built up anxiety within me) I started to act unlike myself because of this. For the fourth of July, I took her to the beach, I took her to a dodger game, I started to do a bunch of crap for her in hopes that she will fall back in love with me. Then, a few days ago, we were cuddling on the couch watching a movie and something just felt off. I turned the movie off and confronted her about how she was feeling.

To make a long story short: she thought she was falling back in love with me, but she felt like she was forcing herself to love me again. She is confused about how she feels. She said we should break up because she believes our relationship has ran its course. I couldn't really say anything but sit there and agree with her, because I felt like I was the only one trying to patch our relationship together. Afterwards, we laid on her bed crying and reminiscing about our relationship until four in the morning. We did end up having sex. Sorry for the incoherence and the ranting, but I feel so lost.

Last night while at a party, I drunk called her at 2:30am but she didn't answer. I do not know if she ignored my call or it was because the call didn't wake her up or what. If she calls back, which she probably won't, should I pick up? And, what do I say?

Dude - reread all the posts. They tell you exactly what you need to do and how to get through this.

NEVER go backwards in life - that is what I live by. You took 14 huge steps backwards and now you are going to pay the price all over again. Break off all contact, heal, and move forward. You don't like feeling like this I am assuming so because of that don't let yourself go back their again. It's over and it is time to start your life post whatever her name is.

The experiment failed again, but this time accept it and start dealing with your own feelings because of it. It's painful, yet you have to stay busy as you accept and rebuild, and be patient with yourself, it takes a while and is a lot of work.

I get you have little experience in dealing with yourself when things are not going well but NOW is the time to learn. You can wallow in self pity, or get busy making yourself happy without her.

Choose your path.