Hi guys and gals.

I see a lot of threads here on AMHD about cheating and the pain and trouble that it causes. I am completely against cheating and believe that a person should be 100% faithful at all times, otherwise get shown the front door and change the locks (so to speak).

This has only happened to me once when I was much younger (17) and it was only a short relationship of a few months. One thing I am 99% sure of about my recent ex was that she never cheated on me and I was with her for 3 years. I think she was scared though that she may cheat because of her desire to explore the single life and go wild for a while.. LOL

Anyway, I have been thinking back to that woman many years ago who cheated on me, and even though it was a short term relationship, it still hurt me albeit she was not exactly morally right in the head, in fact she turned out to be a serial cheater.. LOL

Anyway... My question is do people think that in today's society, Cheating either physically or emotionally is commonplace?

Basically, would others here conclude that there is a high percentage of cheaters out there? Also, is there a relationship between age and cheating and is it something which you believe that becomes less commonplace with age or something that follows people throughout life?

Just a general question really while I have my thinking cap on!

I hope it isn't considered the norm. I think it may be a case of this being a place where only the problems get aired out, not the announcements of healthy relationships. I haven't seen a thread yet that begins with "Girlfriend loyal and loving to me - what should I do?"

:)

Hi Geoff, I think cheating is either in a person's nature or it isn't. I don't think it's to do with age.

Yes, I do think it's commonplace and it's not right. How sad is the world today?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NeedKarma

I hope it isn't considered the norm. I think it may be a case of this being a place where only the problems get aired out, not the announcements of healthy relationships. I haven't seen a thread yet that begins with "Girlfriend loyal and loving to me - what should I do?"

:)

---

I could start a thread like that but it would be pointless, because I would have nothing to add the message except, 'in my dreams'...

LOL.. :rolleyes:

That's basically my point. Only the unhappy people are posting their relationship problems. The happy ones have no need to be here. You cannot extrapolate what you see here to the general population.

I personally think cheating is more common place in the younger generation,s that is not to say older persons don't have desires.

Whilst younger a lot of people are 'exploring' themselves and this I think is the reason why, a lot of peeps cheat and of course perhaps they are not entirely happy with their indivdual circumstances.

I think cheating is no more or less common than it ever was in our society. I think that it is like child abuse, rape, and alcoholism--something that existed, but no one would talk about.

That being said... I think that it is people who are taken for granted that cheat once.

I think it is people with low self-esteem, people who need to be wanted, that are chronic cheaters.

Qyite frankly I feel it's a epidemic... a lot of it is based on people getting married too young.

That's why we ALWAYS say here GO SLOW. LEARN ABOUT THIS PERSON. YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW SOMEONE UNTIL ABOUT 1 YEAR.

Cheating is done by selfish and dishonest people, who can justify their actions with so much BS that the can't see what they are doing is wrong, and don't care who gets hurt as long as they get what they want, not what they deserve. This behaviour is normal for selfish dishonest, uncaring people.

I think cheating is more commonplace because nowadays it is so much easier to do. My ex husband cheated on me many times, most of the women he cheated on me with were women he found on dating websites.

Saying that, it may just be that cheaters seem more common because they are less tolerated. From what I understand of history, it was commonplace for men to have their mistress, and the little wives had to accept it, whereas nowadays they don't have to, they expect their partners to be faithful.

I think people have always cheated, but way back when... they kept it secret! Now days, people have no shame! They cheat and share it with the world.

I have been cheated on and I have cheated, but it doesn't make anything right! It is all wrong, but it is too easy to make up excuses sometimes. No, I don't cheat anymore... and it has been a loooong time since I last did, but when I did, I think it hurt me more than them?

I think, also, that cheating is common place in our society. Look at our divorce rate - 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. What does that say about us as a whole? I think if more value was put on the vows we take in our marriage ceremony and if we were held more accountable to the commitment we make - maybe things like cheating would not happen. We are an instant gratification society. Working hard to make things the way we want takes so much time and these day we want things NOW. We want to feel good now, we want to be successful now - forget the hard work that goes along with it.

I have been cheated on and the effects are devastating. I can't imagine inflicting so much pain on another person.

I have been cheated on. An ex that I dated off and on for 8 years cheated (admitted it to me himself) and I was devastated. His cheating messed up myself esteem and stupidly I took him back a few times only to have the same thing happen again. I finally found the strength to end it after he lied to me one too many time. I was still devastated by everything though because I did love this guy. He has actually cheated on all of his girlfriends, not just me though. During times that he and I were split up, he would come over and hit on me even if he was currently dating someone else. I finally realized that it was he who had the problem not me and I finished with him for good.

My most recent split was devastating to me in a different way. This was the first guy I truly cared for since the 8 year ex and I finally found myself trusting a guy again. This meant a lot to me. I took things slow too. So when he wound up leaving me for another girl I was totally heartbroken all over again. He just told me out of nowhere that he met a girl who was a friend of a friend at a holiday get together and wound up talking to her and decided he really liked her and thought she liked him and therefore he broke up with me to be with her. Yes, he and I were exclusive at the time that he did this. I don't know if this would be technically considered cheating on his part or not because he said "nothing happened" which I suppose meant nothing physical. However I felt as betrayed as when I was cheated on by my other ex. He wound up leaving me to be with her anyway.

Perhaps the second situation was not technically cheating (though I think it may have been a type of emotional cheating), but I wound up being dumped for someone else just the same. He was very angry when I told him that I felt that what he did was emotional cheating. I don't know what it would technically be classified as, but I felt very betrayed and couldn't remain in touch with him as friends (something that he had asked for). Since I am a nice person, I am struggling with guilt over not being his friend. Should I feel guilty? I just don't know. I have struggled with this second breakup a lot. :(

I personally am 100% against cheating! It's a BIG NO NO.

Perhaps because I was once a victim. My ex cheated on me few years ago and I felt devastated. I remember the day I found out, I literally couldn't breath and cried hysterically. But I forgave him at the end and we got back together. So this time when he broke up with me and started seeing someone else, though technically it's not cheating, I was heartbroken all over again.

I admit that during the time when I was with my ex, I met a guy who was very sweet to me and was very persistent despite knowing that I have a boyfriend. I think if I wasn't with my ex at the time, I would be going out with him. But at the end, I knew well that I love my ex and didn't want to do anything to hurt him, I cut contact with that guy. So not sure if that's considered cheating? I know many of my friends went through similar situations but didn't do anything at the end.

I think we're now in a world with many options. Some of us probably forgot what relationship is about.

I think that too many people are with people that they don't really like. For one reason or another, they feel they can't leave but want someone else. Is it wrong I have been on both sides, and I just don't think it as simple as right or wrong.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Matt3046

I think that too many people are with people that they don't really like. For one reason or another, they feel they can't leave but want someone else. Is it wrong I have been on both sides, and I just don't think it as simple as right or wrong.

---

Yes.. it is wrong if you stay with someone you don't feel anything for and then cheat. It is right to end the relationship and then find someone you are happy with otherwise it is not fair on the other person in the relationship who is with someone that does not reciprocate the same love in a genuine way.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by origins13

I admit that during the time when I was with my ex, I met a guy who was very sweet to me and was very persistent despite knowing that I have a bf. I think if I wasn't with my ex at the time, I would be going out with him.

---

Not to judge this guy too much because I can't say for sure but I bet if he succeeded, that nice, sweet button would fade fast. I've seen that before, when a guy sees a challenge and tries every trick in the book to make a woman believe that and then things change once he wins...

Then again, he may have been a genuine nice person... It takes time to realise what people are really like but a little instinct can help too.

I applaud you for cutting contact with him for the benefit of your relationship.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

Perhaps the second situation was not technically cheating (though I think it may have been a type of emotional cheating), but I wound up being dumped for someone else just the same. He was very angry when I told him that I felt that what he did was emotional cheating. I don't know what it would technically be classified as, but I felt very betrayed and couldn't remain in touch with him as friends (something that he had asked for). Since I am a nice person, I am struggling with guilt over not being his friend. Should I feel guilty? I just don't know. I have struggled with this second breakup a lot. :(

---

Personally, I would be inclined to judge that second situation as emotional cheating and that can hurt just as much as physical cheating because the heart of your partner is being given to someone else, the emotional attachment is being broken, so that is bound to hurt.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about.. Friendship would have been so hard to keep with this guy much the same as it would have been with my ex too..

So...

I have another question guys and gals.

My question is, how do most people find out that they have been cheated on?? Other than catching their partner in the act or spying on them (which seems wrong).. or being told by the cheater.

Is it just a feeling that something is not right?

My ex told me she had cheated on me. The 2nd time she kissed someone she did it our 'break' haha. Grinding with blokes and her ex's. God what a sl*t she was. I took her back time and time again what a fool I was.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jiser

My ex told me she had cheated on me. The 2nd time she kissed someone she did it our 'break' haha. Grinding with blokes and her ex's. God what a sl*t she was. I took her back time and time again what a fool I was.

---

So guilt of the cheater could be a way that a cheater gets found out because they confess..

What of the situations where the cheater does not confess what they have done?

Is that just down to good judgment or a sense that something just is not right?

My husband started acting strange. Nothing at home pleased him. I couldn't get the house clean enough, dinner just wasn't right, I was a poor money manager etc...
And, of course, there was hardly any sex. (that is probably the biggest sign). I just felt like something was off. He would come home every night in a bad mood. EVERY NIGHT!

I did do some investigating of my own and came across some things - otherwise, I wouldn't know now. There was a confrontation with him and the "other woman" - she would not admit to anything other than friends (apparently, I scared the s**t out of her). But my husband told me what I needed to know.

We are now traveling down a path that I think is less traveled. We are attempting to work it out. So far so good, only time will tell. I am happy with my decision. I know it is not a popular one.

I hear this story from a lot of my married men friends:
They meet a nice, fun, pretty woman; dating and sex is a blast; once marriage occurs the woman's sex drive shuts right down; the men's eyes and minds wander because they (a) feel like they were mislead during dating and (b) they have the same sex drive as when they dated.

This is why I waited so lomg to get married, to find someone who I believed would be the same woman after marriage.

When I married my husband, I was 22 and he was 25. We knew what we wanted and did not see a reason to wait. We had dated for 16 months before we got married.

I think everyone changes over time. I am not the same person I was at 22 and he is not either. We have had life experiences that change us. I was a cute size 8 when we married, 5 years later - I got pregnant - gained 60 pounds and my body was changed forever. I am a plump size 14 now. I have more curves - in places my husband says he loves. So, physically, I have changed.
When we married, he was about 175 lbs. Now he is about 230. I am not the only one who has "grown". And these are just physical things.
Mentally and emotionally we have grown. We have more things in our life than we did in our 20's. We are parents, we have a mortgage, bills that never seem to go away. Common stresses.
So, the theroy to wait to get married to find someone that will be the same in dating and in marriage - I don't think that is possible, just because - with life comes changes.

Yes..

People do change over time..

Very true..

Ideally while they change they grow together.

I still don't think anyone should get married before 25, its just too young, especially for men. Not judging your situation Nowwhat because you have obviously met the right one and are an example of a successful relationship.

Why is the divorce rate so high..?

Is it really 1 in 2 marriages that end in divorce?

That's high.. no wonder people are choosing to just live together as common law partners these days.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Ideally while they change they grow together.

---

True.. and also both partners need to accept this change.

What I mean is, accepting the change and not feeling as if you are growing apart (outgrowing each other) and also unknowing each other too.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NeedKarma

I hear this story from a lot of my married men friends:
they meet a nice, fun, pretty woman; dating and sex is a blast; once marriage occurs the woman's sex drive shuts right down; the men's eyes and minds wander because they (a) feel like they were mislead during dating and (b) they have the same sex drive as when they dated.

This is why I waited so lomg to get married, to find someone who I believed would be the same woman after marriage.

---

To balance this...

I've heard this story from so many female friends. They meet a nice, funny, smart guy; dating and sex is a blast, and the guy is thoughtful about doing the dishes, remembering special dates, buying flowers and stuff for the heck of it... they're basically helpful and romantic. Once marriage occurs, the guy feels like he won the chick, and stops doing as much around the house, and stops keeping romance alive--why should he have to romance her, is his thought, since he married her?

Women's eyes and minds wander because they (a) feel like they were mislead during dating and (b) need as much romance as when they dated.

EVERYONE changes. Most of the women I know that lose their sex drive after marriage, lose it because sex is the only thing that a guy seems interested in anymore---there's no more cuddling, kissing just for kissing's sake, holding hands, etc. And once kids come... she's usually balancing housework, a job, and the majority of the childcare... and he wonders why she is too tired for sex!

It's about communication, not about married or not married, or kids or no kids. Sure, my husband and I have less sex than we used to have. We also can't skip work the next day if we're up all night having sex like we could when we had crappy jobs in our twenties!

I think a lot of the time in relationships, once the honeymoon period is over, once the sparks have faded, once each partner has won each other, there is not much left to fulfill the needs. This is where the critical point is in the relationship whether it be a make or a break.

It takes a mature couple to realise that love is what is left over after those sparks have gone and work on the relationship to keep it alive. I guess that is when you know you have met>>THE ONE! :rolleyes:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I still don't think anyone should get married before 25, its just too young, especially for men. Not judging your situation Nowwhat because you have obviously met the right one and are an example of a successful relationship.

Why is the divorce rate so high...??

Is it really 1 in 2 marriages that end in divorce??

Thats high..no wonder people are choosing to just live together as common law partners these days.

---

I don't know if you could use my relationship as an example. Or to say, at this point, we are successful.
Yes, we are still married - but we have had a very rocky life together. We are constantly working on this relationship. We stumble and forget why we are working at this thing called life. Right now, we are on the road to recovery from an affair. At the beginning of this month, I was sitting in an attorney's office - ready to divorce - because of an affair. But, I simply could not do it. I love my husband - all of him - the good, bad and very ugly. I do not want to live my life with out him. I vowed to be with him till death do us part. I took those vows very seriously.

And yes, 50% of marriages end in divorce. I think the rate is so high because of the society we live in. Think back to, say, the 1950's. How was divorce looked at? Very Taboo. Even if you were getting beat everyday and had every reason to leave - divorce just didn't happen. A divorced woman was looked upon as defective. She would be treated as if she had the plague.

Divorce, for some, is easy. It is easier than staying in a marriage that isn't all roses. When that honeymoon period is over and the work begins - it's almost like "Oh crap, what did I get myself into!!" When I first got married, I loved to cook for my man - it was fun. Now it's a chore. I kept the house nice, because it was fun - again - now it's a chore.
And, I have to tell him every once in a while - that "hey, sending me flowers on my b-day is nice, but sending me flowers because it's Tuesday is even better". Those little romantic gestures are great. But, they seem to only happen, the longer a person is married, when an anniversary or birthday rolls around.

So, why is that? Because - by marrying a person - we have won our prize?

Quote:

---

So, why is that? Because - by marrying a person - we have won our prize?

---

Winning the prize is the easy part, keeping it is a lot more work. If your not willing to work to keep what you have then you will lose it. That's why the divorce rate is so high, because people are not willing to do the work to keep what they have and look for the easy way out.

When we say marriage is work - what does that mean? (if you are married - you know) When you first get married and it is just you and your spouse - it seems easy. It's almost fairy tale or playing house.
Then you decide to buy your first house. There is a mortgage to maintain, grass to cut and things to fix. You don't feel as free as you did before.
Then you decide it's time to have kids. You become parents and have all the things that go with that. 3am feedings, dirty diapers, teething. Then as the kid grows, there a ballet lessons, soccer practice, etc.. And if you aren't blessed with 100% healthy child, there are endless doctor's appointments and procedures. STRESS!
With the house and kids, brings bills. You seem to be busting your butt at work everyday and there still is not enough money to make ends meet.
Then it hits you that you can't remember the last time you and your spouse had a date night. Let alone, a romantic evening filled with great sex. You lose each other in the daily trials of life. That is were the work is. With all of the things whirling around you - you have to manage to find the time and energy to nurture your relationship. You realize that your time is not your own anymore - you can't do the things that made you happy anymore because you are balancing all of these other things. And the easiest thing to let slide is the relationship. You will get to it on another day. Or, when you get paid, you are going to take your wife out for an expensive meal. That day comes and your kid had to go to hospital because of whatever.
Marriage is messy, life is messy. And trying to find the time to balance everything is extremely hard. You want so badly to recapture the FUN in life. And, for some, that means divorce. Throw your hands up and say this is just too much work - it must be the wrong thing for me - because life should be fun or exciting. When in reality - anything worth having is WORK!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NowWhat

because life should be fun or exciting. When in reality - anything worth having is WORK!

---

I wish my ex would have realised this but then she was only young..

Being young is about fun and excitement and above all, learning and growing.

Cheating is as old as the Neanderthals... The 60's and 70's were wild times pre-aids...

I think the only thing new is the internet... it has created a new crop of ez-cheating opportunities... but I think, those who will - will.

Sad, but true.

Character is fate, as a wise English writer once said.

Consider that before you say "I do" or "I love you" or "I want your babies"
Or anything else with an "I"

You know this is a great question Geoff. I can't really add anything to what other posters have already said, but I would like to ask those that have cheated what was the reason or reasons they did so? Was it something you've always done or was it just one time with one particular partner and what circumstances lead up to the cheating? Help us on the outside see what's going on, on the inside... inside the relationship and inside your thought process during those times.

First of all, it's important to define what's meant by "cheating." If someone you're dating has sex with someone else and you've made no explicit promises to each other, is that "cheating?" At what level of a relationship is faithfulness and monogamy expected to occur? I think you'll find mixed opinions on this. Certainly when marriage vows have been taken we expect our spouse to be faithful to us ; I'm referring primarily to the pre-marriage stage. A person who's engaged, in my opinion, should certainly be faithful and monogamous just as though (s)he were already married. But what about someone who's not yet engaged? Someone who's made no real promise or commitment to their "significant other?" What expectation do we hold them to? This is the greyest area on this topic. I believe this is why so many moral codes hold to the idea of marriage before sex. As is touted so often, "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" Expressed more directly, why have sex with someone who isn't willing to commit to marriage with you? Why give them something and get nothing in return? I'm sure than many will rationalize, whether they admit it or not, that they want the enjoyment of sex but don't want the commitment of marriage. To anyone with that mindset, my response is to be prepared for the resulting emotional fallout. I believe that therein lies the heart of the matter under discussion here. We can always reverse the popular cliché ; "if you want the milk, you gotta buy the cow!" If one is avoiding marriage for a practical reason, such as being too young, then they are too young to have sex. The bottom line is, if you're going to hop in the sack with someone who's not your lawful spouse, you have no right to an expectation of monogamy.

You can tell, but many people are not willing to admit it to themselves. My ex would go out two or three nights a week, (and leave me at home with a 2 year old), And stay out all night, usually till about 9 am (the time I would have to go to work. She told me that she was going out with her girlfriends, but would always drink too much, so she couldn't drive home. I would have gone along longer if one of her friends had not gotten mad and told me. And you got to remember if you have kids, especially men, your choices are stay married or see your kids three or four days a month. Is cheating wrong in this case, and one of the people has totally let themselves go, and forgotten personal hygiene, and does not attempt to make themselves attractive. Or if one no longer wants sex? I think it is not black and white. People judge too harshly and quickly.

Is it wrong to cheat when your spouse is cheating? Would you rather cheat and stay married because of your kids?
That is a tough one. I think in this case, you may want to have a conversation with your spouse and talk about an open relationship. This way, you both know where you stand in your relationship. You both are getting what you need. I don't know of anyone that has ever done this, so I don't know if it would even work.
As far as cheating because they don't attempt to make themselves attractive to you or any of the other things listed above - that isn't a reason to cheat. Those things need to be discussed as things that bother you. If you can not resolve it on your own - then go to counseling.
I really don't think there is acceptable cheating. I think it is black and white. You made a commitment to another person. "forsaking all others" was in your vows. Not- forsaking all others as long as you smell good and look pretty.

Yeah I was just speaking theoretically.