Me and my girlfriend have been going out 3 years plus. We live together and Recently she said she needs a break as she feels suffocated. She is also extremely clean and says that the fact that I am not up to her standards made her not want to be around the mess, (in which she was sleeping over at her best friends house who is a guy btw). We finally talked I brought up how I don't think that friend dynamic is appropriate. She assured me that he is not taking my place but is just a friend, and realized what she did wrong. She has also stopped such behaviors She brought up my shortcomings etc. And I have worked on being immaculately clean.

I have realized she wants space to think things over about our relationship. We have established that in 2 months when our lease expires we will live separately and she will see how things go. And the thought is still there for a reconciliation, which I hope occurs.

What is the easiest way togive her space, but let her know I still want her and, not to lose her. Especially when we are still living together. Please advise.

>Threads merged to keep the advice in one place<

How are you giving her space if she is still living there? If she wants space, she needs to leave. What was her explanation for living with another guy? How long were you living together before she decides she can't deal with your messiness. Did you two argue about this or was is sudden? This sounds pretty fishy to me.

If she loved you, she would have been better able to communicate and work toward solving problems, instead of using the problems, to justify 'needing space'.

No couples are without their differences. Her being extremely tidy and you not being up to her clean standards, seems rather flimsy to me as an excuse to separate in two months.

Either you are soft shoeing the real problems here, or there is not a lot of substance to the relationship.

Is there more to the story?

Appreciate the response. That's my problem. I know she won't leave early because she has no where to live/go. And told me that we should be on a break until the lease is over and then live separately and see if we come close again. She stayed over there maybe 4-5 times. Her explanation was she was studying with the friend for finals till late and did not want to be around the "mess" in the house. She did admit for what its worth that what she did was totally wrong and nothing happened. She also stopped such behavior evennthough we are on a break. We have been living together for almost a year. She always knew I was not as neat as her. I have tried and continue to try but in her eyes can't get as clean as her. She has brought it up before. Yet says she is no longer willing to compromise about it Even though I have accepted many of her shortcomings. Did you two argue about this or was is sudden?

Still sounds like a flimsy excuse to me. She wants space, let her leave and I would not sit around waiting for her to make up her mind.

Appreciate the answer jake 2008. That's exactly what I thought. I have grown to compromise with her certain shortcomings. I know she has told me before, but honestly I don't know how anyone can be as clean as her. I have tried so many times. In no way do I live in unhabitable conditions and I bet it is cleaner than most. There are also other reasons. She says she feels suffocated because I don't spend as much time with my friends that she does. I would rather run or do other things solo most of the time and its just me, I have always been that way. I tell her she can do what she wants with her friends but she says she always thinks of me alone at home doing nothing. Also in terms of employment I am doing what I love and know what I dream of doinf and am trying to get there but she thinks I should be doing more.

She has shortcomings as well which I have made known. And she seems to be working on them. And changing the dynamic between her and that one friend.

I don't see any of us moving in the 2 months before our lease expires. But we will be living separately afterwards. And in living together I find it hard to give her the space she desires. We are civil and she still asks me for rides and to use my car on weekends to go to the store, and she will do my laundry if she sees it while I am at work etc. We don't text or call each other during the day.

Hope that helps. Thanks.

Thanks! Guess for the next couple months it will just be a waiting game. Seems like although she wants space because she feels suffocated. She is fine where She is and doesn't want to move and have to pay extra rent.

She would have to go. You don't tell someone you needs space but "oh can you give me a ride" or borrow your car.

I did Realize that, I guess I am just afraid to lose her if I try and cut out all communications and/or she will revert to old ways.

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Originally Posted by Mjhill

I did Realize that, I guess i am just afraid to lose her if I try and cut out all communications and/or she will revert to old ways.

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It sounds like you have lost her already. She has all the power in this "relationship."

I agree with Wondergirl. Does not sound like you have her to me either

How may I get her back then?

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Originally Posted by Mjhill

How may I get her back then?

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You can't.

I appreciate the advice. Another question. So obviously Like I had stated we are still under one roof. She still depends a lot on me and figures I will be willing to drive her to school everyday and that she can just ask me to use my car on weekends etc. Also doing her dishes. I don't really get anything in return. I feel like saving my dignity and just telling her that a break should establish she doesn't depend on me fir such things anymore. Is that out of left field to think that way?

It's a bit dicey to be on a break from each other while still living together. How about if you two decide that she will stop it with the complaints and you continue to drive her or lend her your car until the lease is up, and then all bets are off and the break officially begins with NO contact.

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Originally Posted by Mjhill

I appreciate the advice. Another question. So obviously Like i had stated we are still under one roof. She still depends alot on me and figures i will be willing to drive her to school everyday and that she can just ask me to use my car on weekends etc. Also doing her dishes. I dont really get anything in return. I feel like saving my dignity and just telling her that a break should establish she doesnt depend on me fir such things anymore. Is that out of left field to think that way?

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While you are still under one roof, you want to try to keep the peace a bit so the car thing is probably OK right now but as Wondergirl said, once you're out then forget it... that's when you tell her that a break means a break.

Okay. Agreed. I made it known to her I don't appreciate her assuming I will always be willing to lend it to her. If she asks or if I bring it up, its fair game. But she can't assume I will always lend it to her when she says "hey i am going to need your car this weekend." she can't take advantage. She wanted the break so she has to live with what she wants.

break = no car

I say if she wants a break she gets one. You two share the rent only. No car. The only thing you share are chores. She asked for this, she should be prepared to be on her own or leave.

To end the discussion. I found out through discovery of my own that all during the break she has been talking to another guy (2000+ back and forth on fb) and gotten to a point about talking about sex/hooking up etc. In August. Also discovered pictures of her and a guy whose house she had stayed over at both during our relationship towards the break and during the break with some questionable photos. My decision has been made. I am out at the earliest possible convenience. Thanks for all the help.

I wish you well.

She admitted with the friend. The same one she stayed over with. That they have hooked up since our break. Also once while we were still together. So many lies and deceit. We still have yet to see each other in person but will have to to discuss the living situation. I'm extremely hurt, but yet have closure knowing there is no way we would work. For people who have dealt with a similar situation. How should we deal with being around each other?

I would have her stuff packed and ready to go. No more false hope.

She is so stubborn she won't leave
She doesn't care. I know her.

And we are stuck in a lease till August 1

Dude, pack your stuff and leave and cover your lease responsibilities until its over. Or ignore her totally and make her a polite roommate sharing expenses. I wouldn't be there no matter what it costs.

When is the lease up, and what's your part?

Basically because rent is paid forward a month. I would owe one full months worth of rent until August. That would be my #1 option but I would need to find a new place which would delay things an indefinite amount of time.

She agreed to a face-to-face conversation (after being MIA and me being in a hotel), when it will happen I don't know. We will talk about what we will do. She is avoiding deciding when (because she knows I am mad and "over" her and the entire situation) Plus, even though I have figured "the worst" out I still have questions for her.

At the risk of coming on to strong it wouldn't matter what she wants to do or when, I would be protecting my own interests, and the hell with hers. You have the fact, she come and goes and has hotels as options and such, so go have her removed from the lease and can you afford to stay alone there?

If not then its evident you are out after August any way. Start today to get your ducks in a row no matter what her plan is. Handle your business. Cry later. Be mad later.

So me and my ex-girlfriend dated for 3 years and she said she wanted a "break" about a month ago in which she said we could date other people, as well as working on us. I told her be honest with me, in the sense so I would know that her mind was not in it.

Long story short I discovered through my own doing not an admission by her that she lied to me and was doing stuff during the break and also cheated on me once to my knowledge during the relationship.

Originally I was fuming mad. I didn't understand it. I wanted to mess stuff up(pg version), tell her off (which I did through text). And wanted her to get out of my life.

We also live together both under a lease till August. I have cooled down in the 5 days since, told her I still hated the way I was treated and that lies and cheating are incredibly inappropriate. And we both agree we are over. But for my own conscience forgave her because if I harbor so much anger it will be longer to get over her

When we had a face to face conv. In out apt. Honestly I looked at her and didn't hate her at all. We were not screaming, talking at a mature level. Dealt with things she cried and I held her and we hugged for a while. People tell me I should hate her guts? Is it wrong for me to feel thisnway after I was treated like that?

Heck no. You handled it well when you said " We were not screaming, talking at a mature level. Dealt with things she cried and i held her and we hugged for a while."

Think about it - you had a relationship that didn't work out. We have all been there and we all survive those. "Hating" her or any other type of negative response harbors too much negative energy and isn't a good mindset to have. You stayed positive and in the long run that will be the best thing for you.

Just live and learn man, that is why we are here.

Hate is actually rare. Save it for child molesters and despots and injustice.
Anger in relationships is what comes after hurt, in my opinion.
Most of us have a remarkable ability to forgive.
Just be aware that after these hugs, sometimes recriminations come out when there is a petty disagreement. You have 2 months to find out. Good luck.

I don't doubt that. Still quite possible arguments will come. Everything is still fresh. I actually started our conversation with some harsher words. And then calmed myself down.

Me and my ex just broke up. We were together 3 yrs. We had gone on a break in which we decided we would work on our shortcomings and could date other people. She developed an f.w.b. (with no emotional connection she says) Relationship with a friend with whom I figured out she cheated on me one time with (kissing).

We both still have feelings for each other. She has texted me in the middle of the night many times saying she knows I am the perfect one for her and that she hasn't moved on emotionally yet. She has cried gotten emotional and taken full responsibility for her actions. I have forgiven her for my own good and made it known that if she works to gain the trust lost and continues to build that. I will hear her out and never say never to a rekindling of a relationship.

I went away this weekend and met other girls. I came back and she was clearly jealous. I told her this is what she had wanted. Date other people. She had found an f.w.b. And I had met other people. Yet when I mention I still love her and she needs to make a gut decision on whether she wants to make it work. She keeps on insisting I need to see other people and that she needs to let there be time for it to sink in (that I am seeing other people).

I know in her gut she wants to make it work. She is not over it Can I make it more known that I feel the same. By doing anything in particular? Or do I just leave her be? Or am I receiving mixed signals?

Still looking for a way to salvage this fiasco huh? She is still pushing you away but yet you just can't let go completely. Have you packed her stuff up yet?

Leave this girl alone. If she wanted to be with you she would. Stop the texting, stop all contact with her and move on. Clearly she has. Pack her stuff and be ready to put it out in August. This girl is playing you like a fiddle at her whim.

I did. But she is having none of it. She has no where to stay consistently (her f.w.b doesn't like it when she spends too much time over there lol.) We are both toughing it out under one roof. I haven't completely let go. And I know she is jealous of me, seeing others and unhappy where she is at and has told me it has been harder for her to let go and that she is not completely over it. I tell her act then go with your gut and try to start to make trust amends and we will see how it goes.

She has yet to act. Anything else I should do without seeming desperate?

"She has yet to act" That should tell you something. She created this mess, it's her problem. I would only be the roommate, I would only speak when necessary and would have no other conversations about the relationship. It no longer exist. Stop letting her yank your chain. You are already seeming desperate.

She's playing with you and you're allowing her to do it.

My take on this whole thing:
She found someone else... this "fwb"... but I believe he is more than fwb or at least she wants him to be. So she is interested in him, stringing you along in case she can't get it to work out with him. She can always call you to her like a good little puppy if he doesn't work out.

This is nothing new. People have been doing this for a long time. You're not a special case here as it happens way more than you would think it does.

Let her go, tell her she wanted to end it, you are ending it and that's all.

It means you love her unconditionally

You love her and probably will for a while. You can forgive but don't forget. Even though you do love her, the problem remains. But life is too short to be angry or lied to.

I can't believe no one has pointed out what he was doing wrong YET! I won't even get into all that due to lack of time in addition to not feeling like getting into it at the moment and the fact that it's already beyond too late to fix things. However, I'll just say this! Next time, DON'T do ANY the same things you did this time when a woman tells you she needs space. Once she says she needs space, it's NO CONTACT and you go complete NO CONTACT until SHE reaches out to you...

Also, NEVER agree to be "just friends."

The moment I read that she said she needed space, I already knew what the problem was and what was going on. Then came the silly excuses... then even after everything was blatantly put in your face you were still in denial about what was going on.

I'm not criticizing because I have to admit that I was the same way as you and used to lose the girl by doing the wrong things that I thought were right, EVERY time.

Anyway, I would give tips on how to get her back, but too much damage has already been done. You've already allowed her to remain in contact with you and use your things and keep you around in the background as she slowly uses you to get over you while she dates someone else.

This is typical "nice guy behavior" and the saying "nice guys finish last" doesn't exist for no reason... Think about it.

Next time, go NO CONTACT and LEAVE HER ALONE when a woman says she wants space. No, I am not a natural at this. I had to learn from others who knew what they were doing, and one of the best coaches I learned from was Coach Corey Wayne. He has the BEST advice (I've heard so far) AND since he puts it on YouTube I get a lot of info without having to purchase anything. If I were you, I would search "Coach Corey Wayne" on YouTube and first listen to "Nice Guy Finishes Last.... Again" and "When She Starts Pulling Away." etc.

By the way, after reading this, I think today I will go out and leave my girlfriend home alone because she has asked for breaks in the past and I know I'm on the verge of being around her too much based on certain behaviors she is displaying right now. However, in this case, she isn't cheating or seeing anyone else - and I know this for sure. My situation is a little more complicated - she is on the bipolar spectrum... It's hard to read her and apply the psychological rules for attraction with her, but one thing I know is that when she starts pulling away, I need to pull away more and give her space and do nothing more until she indicates that she wants me around again. Back in the day, I would've kept trying to pursue and fix things and talk and hope to win her back - WHICH ONLY pushes away the girl MORE - ion EVERY situation.

If she needs space, STOP EVERYTHING and it's "ok, bye" and you leave (or let HER leave) OR even better, say this:
"Well, whenever you're ready to get back together again let me know, but I'm not interested in being 'just friends' with you. I look forward to hearing from you. Bye."

The ONLY proven method to get her back MOST of the time is letting her go and letting her realize what life is like without you. Any time you keep contact and chase or try to talk and persuade, you are HELPING her solidify her decision to leave. This may not make any logical sense, but women are emotional creatures and emotion isn't logical. Therefore, you cannot use your logical brain or logical thinking to win a woman or get her back.

If anyone doesn't believe me, then good luck, but I can guarantee that it will always be a long uphill battle trying to date or keep a girl if you don't know what to do and how to do it correctly. I am still learning myself and even with the knowledge I have now, I would not consider myself a "natural" or "expert" yet. The fact that I found this page through Google means I have some sh*t to get together myself...

Good luck.