My best friend and I had a massive falling out. It started when he asked me to go see a movie and I told him I can pick him up after my dinner with another friend. Then during dinner he texted me and told me he's bringing two other women I have never met before to join us. I was upset because he should have at least asked me if it's OK before inviting them since I am the one providing transportation. I texted him cancelling our movie and saying my dinner ran long and for them to have fun. He texted me saying they can't go because I am not going. I did not respond. Then I emailed him that night detailing why I was so upset with him and that I felt like I was being used. He was so mad at me, stating I am being too sensitive and dramatic. He refused to talk to me about the problem even though that was how we resolved our issues before. He said he doesn't want to see me or talk to me and that he needs a break and space from me. He said that my attitude is turning him off. I don't understand why he was so mad when he was the rude one for inviting people without asking me. Just to be clear, this is a totally platonic relationship. He is gay so there is no way this can ever be romantic. I already tried to apologize 3x and he still won't budge. I don't know what to do. Thanks!

You leave him to do his own thinking for himself, and go about your merry business. You have done your part, now he must do his.

But was he right? Was I too sensitive about it or was I correct in saying it was rude for him to invite people without checking with me? Even though it doesn't matter because I ended up apologizing to save the friendship, I am curious though.
Thanks!

That's the way you felt so he crossed a line. I would be mad too.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

That's the way you felt so he crossed a line. I would be mad too.

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Thanks for the input! I appreciate it :)

Were these added invitees people you know and part of your "crowd"? Or were they friends of his mostly? In any event, he had no business inviting them without asking you first, so I too believe the fault is on his end. Let him stew in his own juices for a while to see if he realizes what he did.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Were these added invitees people you know and part of your "crowd"? or were they friends of his mostly? In any event, he had no business inviting them without asking you first, so I too believe the fault is on his end. Let him stew in his own juices for a while to see if he realizes what he did.

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Oh no, these invitees are people I have never met before and he only met them 4 days prior. So they were strangers to me and almost strangers to him as well.
He said since he invited me to the movies and he didn't say that it's just us that he can invite whoever he wants and he doesn't need my permission.
Well, to me, since it's my car... he should have asked me first.

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Originally Posted by jaidjen

Well, to me, since it's my car...he should have asked me first.

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And you certainly don't want to end up as everyone's taxi service...

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

And you certainly don't want to end up as everyone's taxi service....

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Exactly! Omg! I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out if maybe I was too sensitive about it especially because he is super mad at me up to now. And I don't get why!
Thanks for the input :)

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Originally Posted by jaidjen

Exactly! Omg! I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out if maybe I was too sensitive about it especially because he is super mad at me up to now. And I don't get why!

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He's mad at you because the ride he promised his new friends suddenly disappeared and he is embarrassed about it ("I'm a bad new friend!"). He hasn't yet gotten around to being mad at himself for what he did to you. He is thinking about how HE feels, not about how you must feel. Empathy is currently not his strong point.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

He's mad at you because the ride he promised his new friends suddenly disappeared and he is embarrassed about it ("I'm a bad new friend!"). He hasn't yet gotten around to being mad at himself for what he did to you. He is thinking about how HE feels, not about how you must feel. Empathy is currently not his strong point.

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Somebody told me that too! That he's likely embarrassed because he had to look for another ride for his new friends.
For now I think I'm done trying to fix this friendship. I already apologized even though I did not need to and he's obviously more selfish than I thought him to be. Just disappointed because I thought he was better than that :(

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Originally Posted by jaidjen

Just disappointed because I thought he was better than that :(

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For whatever reason, he must have been trying to impress these new friends and bring them into his circle, and maybe got razzed by them when their ride didn't happen as he had promised. Just think! You might have had to come up with popcorn for everyone too! -- so you dodged a bullet.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

For whatever reason, he must have been trying to impress these new friends and bring them into his circle, and maybe got razzed by them when their ride didn't happen as he had promised. Just think! You might have had to come up with popcorn for everyone too! -- so you dodged a bullet.

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Lol! I actually wouldn't doubt that because I usually end up paying for him when we go to the movies...
Something about not having cash on him when he knows the theater is a cash only establishment. The more I talk about this the more I realized that maybe I am being used... Sigh...

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Originally Posted by jaidjen

The more I talk about this the more I realized that maybe I am being used... Sigh...

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Well, I think you are terrific and also a good writer. (We like good writers here.) You look for the best in people and I hope aren't disappointed too often. Don't change, but be careful that you don't get used either.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Well, I think you are terrific and also a good writer. (We like good writers here.) You look for the best in people and I hope aren't disappointed too often. Don't change, but be careful that you don't get used either.

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Thanks so much for listening to me! I really appreciate the input :) I am so glad I found this forum!

I just found out from our boss (I work pt and he works ft in the same job) that he's been asking him and other people lately what my schedule is and when I work. They all think it's because he's in love with me. Nobody knows we are fighting and he's also in the closet at work. I think it's so he can avoid working with me. But that is just too dramatic... even for him. So I had to come up with some excuse to my boss why he was acting that way about my schedule.
I don't think our work needs to know about our personal issues... at least it's not going to come from me if they found out.

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Originally Posted by jaidjen

I don't think our work needs to know about our personal issues...at least it's not going to come from me if they found out.

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Smart lady! Let him continue to work through this.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Smart lady! Let him continue to work through this.

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I will. Thanks so much!

He's my closest friend in the world and I hate this feeling of wanting to talk and vent because I am not OK but the person I usually talk to is the person I am now living without.
He asked me to give him space and I am respecting that. I have not contacted him even though there is nothing else I'd rather do. It is difficult and heartbreaking and my other friends don't understand. Yes, it is not like we were dating, but to have this big of a rift over something so shallow is heartbreaking to me.
I just miss my best friend and I don't know how long I can handle not contacting him but I know I have to
:(

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Originally Posted by jaidjen

He's my closest friend in the world and I hate this feeling of wanting to talk and vent because I am not ok but the person I usually talk to is the person I am now living without.
He asked me to give him space and I am respecting that. I have not contacted him eventhough there is nothing else I'd rather do. It is difficult and heartbreaking and my other friends don't understand. Yes, it is not like we were dating, but to have this big of a rift over something so shallow is heartbreaking to me.
I just miss my best friend and I don't know how long I can handle not contacting him but I know I have to
:(

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I'd contact him and send him a link to this thread. That way he can read how he feels, and how total strangers feel about what he did. May be the best way to make him understand.

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Originally Posted by Alty

I'd contact him and send him a link to this thread. That way he can read how he feels, and how total strangers feel about what he did. May be the best way to make him understand.

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I actually saw him accidentally when I stopped by to pick up my schedule at work. He was barely acknowledging me but I just went up to him to start small talk. He chatted with me for about 15 minutes but nothing personal, mostly nature and hikes (things we have in common). I'm not sure if he felt forced to talk to me because other people were around or he genuinely was OK talking to me. I'm going to take baby steps and maybe we can start rebuilding our friendship again. I'm crossing my fingers that we are on our way to recovery :)

After that conversation yesterday, I sent him another email last night stating that I am hoping that pride and misunderstanding will not get in the way of our friendship. I said how much I miss him and his company and I extended an invite to eat sushi (our favorite food). I hope he accepts my invite so that we can proceed to repair our friendship.

If not, I think I have done everything I can possibly do on my end and all I can do is wait for him to come back when/if he is ready to.

Doesn't stop my heart from breaking though :(

Give him time. If he does accept the invite I would suggest you both sitting down and having a long talk about what caused this to begin with. Just like all relationships, when there's an issue communicating about it is a must.

Good luck.

Yesterday evening you had hope but this evening back to heart break. Do something good for yourself to get off that emotional roller coaster for a few days at least.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Yesterday evening you had hope but this evening back to heart break. Do something good for yourself to get off that emotional roller coaster for a few days at least.

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Oh no. I am still hopeful that we'll work things out. I meant heart break if he declines. I've actually been doing a lot of hikes lately. It helps me keep my mind of things :)

He agreed to meet up for dinner and we talked at length about our friendship and our issues. We realized we need to work on some things but in the end we hung out and grocery shopped like we were back to being the best of friends!

Thanks so much for all your input!!
I appreciate it :)

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Originally Posted by jaidjen

He agreed to meet up for dinner and we talked at length about our friendship and our issues. We realized we need to work on some things but in the end we hung out and grocery shopped like we were back to being the best of friends!

Thanks so much for all your input!!!
I appreciate it :)

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Thanks so much for letting us know! I'm glad there is a happy ending to this.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Thanks so much for letting us know! I'm glad there is a happy ending to this.

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Me too! He texted me last night and said he's glad that things are looking up for us. I told him me too!

Thank you so much! :)

I had a falling out with my best friend (B) over a week ago (thread: Falling out with friend) and we already resolved our issues and everything seem to be OK now.

However, during the one week we were not talking he vented and confided to a new friend, S, about me. He admitted that he was so angry with me that he actually said some very bad stuff about me to some people we work with. He told me he will do damage control and backtrack his words so that people at work don't think I'm a psycho girl (apparently that's what they all thought based on the version he told them because he thinks I went overboard in being mad about the whole situation). I lectured him that, that is why even though I had the opportunity to bad mouth him (and even had the opportunity to out him--he's in the closet) to people at work I never aired our dirty laundry in the work place. I wanted to be mad at him because he didn't show me the same loyalty as I did him (by not bad mouthing him) but I figured it's a lesson he will learn as he tries to fix MY reputation at work. After all, he will look silly if after he bad mouth me people will see us as close as we used to be.

Back to the new friend S. Well, I have never met S before and the first time I met her was on my first day back in the job (since the fight). I introduced myself, knowing that she has the impression that I am a psycho girl thanks to my best friend. I tried to do small talk with her and be friendly. However, she was giving me the cold shoulder and when she started a discussion about B (like trying to get information about him) I didn't divulge any information to her because it is not mine to give. I figured they are friends, if she wants to know him, she can ask him.

Later on, I overheard her talking to one of our supervisors and was bending her ear off about everything she and B did the week me and B had a falling out. She was discussing to the supervisor their future plans, her hopes of coordinating her schedule with his and it was just "B and I did this" and "B and I did that" and "B and I were planning". The supervisor was even cautioning her to be careful about making plans without checking the schedules first. The way she talked about my best friend sounded so nauseating to me because it's almost like she's infatuated with him.

B and I talked about laying low in hanging out because he said people at work were thinking that we are dating (since he is in the closet) and I said that is fine by me. I don't talk about our plans to anybody anyway.

However, after hearing S talk about him non stop to the supervisor, I wanted to warn him that maybe he shouldn't worry about us hanging out so much that people are thinking things. That maybe he should worry about his new friend who seem to be infatuated with him to the point that she's planning for their future and talking to a supervisor about it. I know my best friend well. He doesn't plan in advance. He's spontaneous.. which sometimes drives me nuts. I almost feel bad for this girl because she seem to be crushing on someone who can never, ever like her back.

But I don't know if it's my place to speak up about all of this because I think it's my best friend's choice if he wants to lead her on instead of coming out. But at the same time, I want to protect him from work because people might start thinking things about them based on what she's telling people.

I also want to tell B not to discuss me to his new friend S because I do not trust the girl. I also do not need the drama that will most probably happen if she is indeed crushing on my best friend and find me a threat to her love life. I don't want her to spread rumors about me based on information that B told her so I'd rather she doesn't know anything about me at all.

Any thoughts?

Thanks in advance!

Honesty is best policy.


But sometimes the truth hurts, my momma used to say.

This is far too much relationship hum drum, sorry. It all falls under the basic response of Keep It To Yourself. Once you start doing damage control or warning people, you are caught up in the vast network of misunderstandings, lies, and jealousies that feed off and compound everything that is said and done. The ones who know how to keep a lid on words are the ones who are respected, ESPECIALLY at work.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

This is far too much relationship hum drum, sorry. It all falls under the basic response of Keep It To Yourself. Once you start doing damage control or warning people, you are caught up in the vast network of misunderstandings, lies, and jealousies that feed off and compound everything that is said and done. The ones who know how to keep a lid on words are the ones who are respected, ESPECIALLY at work.

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I do not talk about him at work at all. However, I was concerned because the new friend was talking about him non stop. I know my best friend enough to know that he values his privacy that's why I wanted to warn him.

You were right. I talked to my best friend last night and just gave him a little heads up. He gave me a spiel about being too negative on his new friend.

So for now I am on shut down mode. Since obviously this new friendship of his matters quite a bit more than our friendship, I am backing off. Maybe in that one week that we stopped talking things have changed and maybe we were growing apart and I was too blind to see it.

Maybe you should expand your social circle and get some fun activities to keep you from being so stuck in the business of others.

Now you choose who can have a crush on him? Back off, too close.

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Originally Posted by jaidjen

I do not talk about him at work at all. However, I was concerned because the new friend was talking about him non stop. I know my best friend enough to know that he values his privacy that's why I wanted to warn him.

You were right. I talked to my best friend last night and just gave him a little heads up. He gave me a spiel about being too negative on his new friend.

So for now I am on shut down mode. Since obviously this new friendship of his matters quite a bit more than our friendship, I am backing off. Maybe in that one week that we stopped talking things have changed and maybe we were growing apart and I was too blind to see it.

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Jealousy is an emotion that's often hard to deal with. He has a new friend, he likes his new friend, and you're jealous.

You can have more than one friend. A true friend accepts that it's not all about her. You are being negative, and possessive. Let him have his friends, stop the jealousy.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Maybe you should expand your social circle and get some fun activities to keep you from being so stuck in the business of others.

Now you choose who can have a crush on him? Back off, too close.

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Oh no. I am not choosing who can have a crush on him. I don't even know if she does. However, been around my friend enough to know he's uncomfortable about these scenarios. He expressed it to me many times when things like this happen.

However, I do agree that we've become too close. I am backing off.

I do have other friends that I currently hang out with. Of course, he's still my best friend but right now I think we both need space from each other.

Thanks for the input as always! :)

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Originally Posted by Alty

Jealousy is an emotion that's often hard to deal with. He has a new friend, he likes his new friend, and you're jealous.

You can have more than one friend. A true friend accepts that it's not all about her. You are being negative, and possessive. Let him have his friends, stop the jealousy.

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You're right. I acknowledge that I was jealous. It's a new feeling and I am not used to it. When you are someone's first choice all the time and then suddenly you are not, it throws everything for a loop. It's a nasty feeling and I am not proud of myself for feeling that way.

I am also getting a little bit suffocated by him lately (I mean since we started talking again). He's been telling me not to drive, or not to go for coffee with someone, or not to do this or that. It was just getting too close, too much.

That's why I said I am backing off and hanging out with other friends. Doesn't mean we are no longer best friends. Just that right now, it's time to expand our horizons. I think that it will definitely benefit us both.

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Originally Posted by jaidjen

You're right. I acknowledge that I was jealous. It's a new feeling and I am not used to it. When you are someone's first choice all the time and then suddenly you are not, it throws everything for a loop. It's a nasty feeling and I am not proud of myself for feeling that way.

I am also getting a little bit suffocated by him lately (I mean since we started talking again). He's been telling me not to drive, or not to go for coffee with someone, or not to do this or that. It was just getting too close, too much.

That's why I said I am backing off and hanging out with other friends. Doesn't mean we are no longer best friends. Just that right now, it's time to expand our horizons. I think that it will definitely benefit us both.

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I'm proud of you (sorry, it's the mom in me). You admitted that you're jealous. I honestly thought you'd make excuses, that's what most people do.

Jealousy is an emotion that most people feel at one time or another. I understand why you're feeling the way you feel. I'm going to throw something else at you, and I think you already know this, and you'll accept it.

Friends don't make you feel jealous. He's doing things, saying things, that are making you feel this way. That's not what a friend does.

I think it's great that you're distancing yourself from him a bit. I do think you shouldn't be calling him your best friend anymore. He's not a friend. Friends don't make you feel the way you're feeling right now.

You're smart, you're a good person, and frankly, he's treated you like crap. He's not your friend. I have enemies that have treated me better than he's treated you.

I really think you need to sit down and reconsider this friendship.

Let me put it this way. What about him, right now, do you find so appealing? At this point in your relationship, what does he add to your life? Is he making your life better? Is he making you happy? That's what friends do. Yes, arguments happen, and real friends resolve them. He's making you question your friendship with him, he's making you feel jealous. He's not enhancing your life, he's making it worse, but you still call him your best friend? I'd call him my worst enemy if I were in your shoes.

Just something to think about.

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Originally Posted by Alty

I'm proud of you (sorry, it's the mom in me). You admitted that you're jealous. I honestly thought you'd make excuses, that's what most people do.

Jealousy is an emotion that most people feel at one time or another. I understand why you're feeling the way you feel. I'm going to throw something else at you, and I think you already know this, and you'll accept it.

Friends don't make you feel jealous. He's doing things, saying things, that are making you feel this way. That's not what a friend does.

I think it's great that you're distancing yourself from him a bit. I do think you shouldn't be calling him your best friend anymore. He's not a friend. Friends don't make you feel the way you're feeling right now.

You're smart, you're a good person, and frankly, he's treated you like crap. He's not your friend. I have enemies that have treated me better than he's treated you.

I really think you need to sit down and reconsider this friendship.

Let me put it this way. What about him, right now, do you find so appealing? At this point in your relationship, what does he add to your life? Is he making your life better? Is he making you happy? That's what friends do. Yes, arguments happen, and real friends resolve them. He's making you question your friendship with him, he's making you feel jealous. He's not enhancing your life, he's making it worse, but you still call him your best friend? I'd call him my worst enemy if I were in your shoes.

Just something to think about.

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Thank you! There was no point in lying about my emotion. I am here to ask for input from people who don't know me and if I want an honest answer then I need to be honest about how I feel :)

My closest friends (who've known me years before he came along in my life) have been begging me to close the lid on this friendship. They don't understand why I'm still even friends with him, especially the way he's been treating me. I was totally defending him all the time to people.

We used to have a lot of fun together. That's how our friendship formed. Things in common, fun and spontaneous adventures, fondness for the same food and just things that bonded us.

However, I think maybe it's really time to let go. I think (and oh my other friends will so rejoice when they hear this) that it was fun while it lasted but I think that it really is time to move on from this friendship.

Thanks so much :)

You're more than welcome.

I think you're making the right choice.

I do have to address something, because I've been on this site for a long time. You posted that you're not going to lie because you want input, and honesty. You're not the norm on this site. Not at all.

Most people post here wanting a specific answer. When they post they tell a story that benefits them. When they don't get the answer they want, they make up another story, or get mad. Sadly, that's the norm, and because of that, it's often hard to tell someone what you really think, because most people don't take it well at all. They don't want advice, they want confirmation about how they feel.

You're a breath of fresh air. Sadly, you're one in a million.

I hope you stick around, answer questions. You're obviously smart, you write very well (which is the only thing we can use to judge intelligence when it's all the written word), you're willing to listen, and you're willing to accept the often harsh reality of the advice given. You'd be a major asset to this site.

I do hope you stick around, and I do wish you the best of luck with this issue. Ultimately, we can give advice, but you're the one that has to choose what to do. :)

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Originally Posted by Alty

You're more than welcome.

I think you're making the right choice.

I do have to address something, because I've been on this site for a long time. You posted that you're not going to lie because you want input, and honesty. You're not the norm on this site. Not at all.

Most people post here wanting a specific answer. When they post they tell a story that benefits them. When they don't get the answer they want, they make up another story, or get mad. Sadly, that's the norm, and because of that, it's often hard to tell someone what you really think, because most people don't take it well at all. They don't want advice, they want confirmation about how they feel.

You're a breath of fresh air. Sadly, you're one in a million.

I hope you stick around, answer questions. You're obviously smart, you write very well (which is the only thing we can use to judge intelligence when it's all the written word), you're willing to listen, and you're willing to accept the often harsh reality of the advice given. You'd be a major asset to this site.

I do hope you stick around, and I do wish you the best of luck with this issue. Ultimately, we can give advice, but you're the one that has to choose what to do. :)

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:) Thank you so much for the kind words.

I'm pretty new here but I do intend to stick around. The advice and input I have received really helped me in making my decision. It will be hard but I know I need to do it.

I sure hope that I'll be able to give back as much as I received from this community. It's been a blessing to find this site and get great input from people whose main intention is to help confused/conflicted/heartbroken people like me.

Again, thank you :)

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Originally Posted by jaidjen

:) Thank you so much for the kind words.

I'm pretty new here but I do intend to stick around. The advice and input I have received really helped me in making my decision. It will be hard but I know I need to do it.

I sure hope that I'll be able to give back as much as I received from this community. It's been a blessing to find this site and get great input from people whose main intention is to help confused/conflicted/heartbroken people like me.

Again, thank you :)

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I won't lie, it's not always easy to be helpful. Like I said, most people don't want to hear the truth, and many will tell you where to go and how to get there. But, once in a while someone comes along that listens, accepts the truth, and follows the advice. Once in a while you really help someone, and that makes all the other times when you didn't get through, worth it.

I've been on this site for a lot of years. In that time I've been told to go to hell, I've been told I'm mean, I've been told to medicate myself, all because I answered a question honestly. But, in that time I've also saved the life of a newborn puppy (no time for the owner to go to the vet, she posted here in a panic, we had literally seconds to help, and I posted my advice, she followed it, and the puppy survived), I've had many girls PM me thanking me for making them realize that having sex has consequences they're not ready for. There are more haters than there are thanks, but those few thanks, they're why I'm still here.

Along the way I've made friends, people I've never met, but they're like family to me. I never ever thought that would happen online. In fact, I used to scoff at people that thought friendships could be formed online.

You can't reach everyone. You can't make everyone see the truth. When you do, it's a moment you'll never forget. It's not always easy, but this site, it means a lot to me, because the people here, doing what they do, are the best people I've never met. :)