Ask Me Help Desk

Mimi

Hi I am with a guy at the moment for 3 years. He was really sweet to me and called me and everything. He has had a past for cheating and it only lasted max 3 months. Longest is me. He use to buy me flowers and gifts. We have been arguing a lot and I mean a lot but make up is still there from his end. He recently bought me a dress it wasn't really my colour but I liked the fit. Anyway recently I just saw one of the girls he dated as a fling wearing the same kind of dress and she had it on two days after he gave me mine? I am really concerned about this? Please help me.

Is it a popular dress? The logical explanation is that the ex bought the same dress, because she liked it.

Have you talked to him about how you're feeling?

Bottom line, you don't seem to trust him. If you don't trust him, there can be no relationship.

I just don't think it is a conicedense a do trust him but how an earth the similar dress?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

I just dont think it is a conicedense a do trust him but how an earth the similar dress??

If you trusted him you wouldn't be here asking this question.

Why is he buying personal gifts for another girl?

He gave me it a few days before she was wearing and asked for me to sens pictures but all he said was you look hot. He has an anger problem and just shuts me up with my feelings he has lied to me before so that he looks the victim and I broke it off but he then begged me to be with him he goz home and say he can't chat and has to go home den shouts down the phone saying talk talk and a can't because he just makes me cry what should I do?

I don't know if he has bought her it am curious that how she has not worn it before its similar to me its so difficult speaking to him that's why I am on this and wanting some help and advise please understand

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

He gave me it jus a few days before she was wearing and asked for me to sens pictures but all he said was u look hot. He has an anger problem and just shuts me up with my feelings he has lied to me before so that he looks the victim and i broke it off but he then begged me to be with him he goz home and say he can't chat and has to go home den shouts down the phone saying talk talk n a can't because he just makes me cry what should i do?

A relationship should be based on trust, and mutual respect.

It doesn't sound like you're happy in this relationship. Love is blind, but it doesn't have to be deaf and dense too.

I think you know what you should do, you just can't accept it.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Why is he buying personal gifts for another girl?

I don't know what's going on I love him and always try telling him that he deals in anger and I get upset but if I get angry and say something ceeky he just tells me he's off and that's it but if he is rude he says its because of me?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

A relationship should be based on trust, and mutual respect.

It doesn't sound like you're happy in this relationship. Love is blind, but it doesn't have to be deaf and dense too.

I think you know what you should do, you just can't accept it.

What do you think I know what to do? From what I am telling you do you think guys that he does love me or just what I cannot uderstand anymore is this the real him?

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Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

he just makes me cry what should i do?

Walk away from him. He sounds like he is a controller, being mean, then saying I'm sorry and buying you pretty things to make you forgive him. Then he will be mean again soon. You will always cry if you are with him.

The real him is the angry and mean one.

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Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

I dont know if he has bought her it am curious that how she has not worn it before its similar to me its so difficult speaking to him thats why i am on this and wanting some help and advise please understand

We do understand your situation, I don't understand what you're asking us to do for you.

We can't confirm that he bought the dress for this other girl. We don't know if he's cheating. We're not psychic.

The only thing we can base an opinion on is what you write, and based on what you've written, you're not happy in the relationship, you don't trust him, and he also has anger issues.

Ultimately it's your decision to stay or go, no one else can make the decision for you. I can tell you that if it were me, based on what you've written, I wouldn't stay with him. That's me though. You are not me. You have to decide what to do, you have to figure out what you're willing to put up with, and if it's worth it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

A relationship should be based on trust, and mutual respect.

It doesn't sound like you're happy in this relationship. Love is blind, but it doesn't have to be deaf and dense too.

I think you know what you should do, you just can't accept it.

Accept what?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

What do you think i know what to do? From what i am telling you do you think guys that he does love me or just what i cannot uderstand anymore is this the real him?

Love isn't the question.

I think you're confused about love.

He may very well love you, but still treats you like crap. There are people that marry only because they love each other, but every other aspect of their relationship is a mess. Love isn't enough to make a relationship work.

There are men that love their wives, but still cheat on them, still beat them. They're always sorry after they do it, and they do feel love for their spouse, but their behavior never stops. They're cheaters and abusers, and love won't make them any different.

So the question is, is love enough for you? Can you live with him possibly cheating? Can you live with the constant tears, the anger, the way he treats you? Is love enough?

To me it doesn't sound like it is.

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Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

Accept what?

Accept that the best thing to do is to leave.

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Originally Posted by Alty

We do understand your situation, I don't understand what you're asking us to do for you.

We can't confirm that he bought the dress for this other girl. We don't know if he's cheating. We're not psychic.

The only thing we can base an opinion on is what you write, and based on what you've written, you're not happy in the relationship, you don't trust him, and he also has anger issues.

Ultimately it's your decision to stay or go, no one else can make the decision for you. I can tell you that if it were me, based on what you've written, I wouldn't stay with him. That's me though. You are not me. You have to decide what to do, you have to figure out what you're willing to put up with, and if it's worth it.

Lol no I know What use Can. Help me with and that is only to give advise a cannot speak to family or friends, I thought that when there is a problem from his end and if I speak to him about it bcoz I can't speak to anyone els he gives me da solution to the problem where he just says I don't understand. He is not willing to accept breaking up is there any advise on what I should say to him and how I should please ?

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Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

is there any advise on what i should say to him and how i should please ?

You say goodbye. There is no way to ever please him. (He should be trying to please YOU!! )

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

Accept that the best thing to do is to leave.

Yes you are ryt lately I have been confused please don't get me wrong but I know what love is and its being respectful of your partner and treating them with loyality and sincerity and I have been doing that always trying to accompany his ways but he says this also' you just think it's a fairytale well its not' he has never hit me or swore at me but I am confused

Will he ever miss how sincere and loving I have been towards him ?

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Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

Will he ever miss how sincere and loving i have been towards him ?

No.

Do use think he will chane if I leave him ?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

No.

Whydo u say that? I have tried breaking up with him previously and every time he has said he will make things better

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Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

Do use think he will chane if i leave him ?

No. He wants only stupid girls.

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Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

Whydo u say that? I have tried breaking up with him previously and everytime he has said he will make things better

And has he made things better?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

And has he made things better?

When you say stupid what do you mean? Have I been stupid putting up with him? Well his behaviour is still the same , he hates it if anyone says anything to me disrespects me he says he has never loved and the only low he has is just for me so he tries to control his anger but he knows how much I hate anger so why does he still doit and if he doesn't speak to me he says after an argument he said he didn't want to say the rong thing

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

When u say stupid what do you mean? Have i been stupid putting up with him? Well his behaviour is still the same , he hates it if anyone says anything to me disrespects me he says he has never loved and the only low he has is just for me so he tries to control his anger but he knows how much i hate anger so why does he still doit and if he doesnt speak to me he says after an argument he said he didnt want to say the rong thing

You are stupid and will hurt your heart forever if you stay with such an angry, controlling person. If he says forgive him and he will improve, but he does not improve, walk away. He is full of sweet words that mean nothing. You will always cry if you stay with him.

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Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

Do use think he will chane if i leave him ?

No, he'll never change.

You can't change someone. You either accept them the way they are, or you don't. You can't change who someone is. If you don't like who they are you leave, and find someone you do like, without needing to change them.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You are stupid and will hurt your heart forever if you stay with such an angry, controlling person. If he says forgive him and he will improve, but he does not improve, walk away. He is full of sweet words that mean nothing. You will always cry if you stay with him.

Why are you calling me stupid? I have only loved him truly so I am stupid ? Yes I do understand what you are saying as you can see he is controlling so how do I deal with breaking up with him as in see him and tell him that we can no longer be ?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

When u say stupid what do you mean? Have i been stupid putting up with him? Well his behaviour is still the same , he hates it if anyone says anything to me disrespects me he says he has never loved and the only low he has is just for me so he tries to control his anger but he knows how much i hate anger so why does he still doit and if he doesnt speak to me he says after an argument he said he didnt want to say the rong thing

He does it because that's who he is. He will always be the way he is, because it's who he is.

It doesn't matter that you don't like what he does, he can't change what you don't like, anymore than you can change your height, or the color of your eyes.

If you want to stay with him, you have to accept him for the way he is. If you can't, and it seems you can't, then your only option is to leave.

He will never change his personality for you, no matter how much he loves you, or how much you love him. He is who he is. Love him for who he is, or leave him and find someone you don't need to change.

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Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

Why are u calling me stupid? I have only loved him truely so i am stupid ? Yes i do understand what u r saying as u can see he is controlling so how do i deal with breaking up with him as in see him and tell him that we can no longer be ?

You say goodbye and have no more to do with him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

Why are u calling me stupid? I have only loved him truely so i am stupid ? Yes i do understand what u r saying as u can see he is controlling so how do i deal with breaking up with him as in see him and tell him that we can no longer be ?

You tell him that you cannot accept him for who he is, and that you're not happy, and you know he won't change and you can't expect him to change, because that wouldn't be fair or realistic. You tell him that you do love him, but not enough to put up with who he is. Tell him you don't trust him, and the only thing that this relationship has brought you is tears and doubt, so the only option is to break it off, since a relationship without trust can't work.

If he says he'll change, tell him that you know that's not possible, or realistic. He can't change, he is who he is, and he needs to find someone that can accept him for who he is. That's not you.

He will think I never loved him or trusted him which I always have even after he lied I told him it will be hard to trust him so a did my best so now he will say such as why didn't u tell me then? Am I being stupid leaving him or is his behaviour not loving?

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Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

He will think i never loved him or trusted him which i always have even after he lied i told him it will be hard to trust him so a did my best so now he will say such as why dint u tell me then? Am i being stupid leaving him or is his behaviour not loving?

We KNOW he does not love you. His behavior is NOT loving.

He wants a weak woman whom he can play with like a toy, someone he can control and treat her any way he wishes. He has no interest in doing anything to make her happy.

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Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

He will think i never loved him or trusted him which i always have even after he lied i told him it will be hard to trust him so a did my best so now he will say such as why dint u tell me then? Am i being stupid leaving him or is his behaviour not loving?

You don't trust him. Why shouldn't he know that? It may not be his fault that you don't trust him, he may not have done anything wrong, but the bottom line is that you don't trust him. Read your question here. You don't trust him. That alone is enough to end this relationship.

Then you go on to say that he's controlling, he has anger issues. That's another reason to end this.

How many issues do you need to have with this man before you realize that the two of you can't be in a relationship together?

It doesn't matter what he thinks when you break up with him. He doesn't need to know the reason, he only needs to know it's over. The only one that can decide that it's over is you. After that you end it, and it's done. He doesn't need to know why.

How old are you?

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Originally Posted by Alty

You tell him that you cannot accept him for who he is, and that you're not happy, and you know he won't change and you can't expect him to change, because that wouldn't be fair or realistic. You tell him that you do love him, but not enough to put up with who he is. Tell him you don't trust him, and the only thing that this relationship has brought you is tears and doubt, so the only option is to break it off, since a relationship without trust can't work.

If he says he'll change, tell him that you know that's not possible, or realistic. He can't change, he is who he is, and he needs to find someone that can accept him for who he is. That's not you.

Should I tell him I do trust him in not cheating on me but I don't trust him to change his behaviour as it has give me a lot of pain even when he knew I would be crying e would leave me alone no text no call nothing until Later at nyt and ask how am feeling why does he do that if I'm not like that and he is in love with me a hope you can understand but its just took my life apart a start getting panic attacks and he just sits there saying he needs to go

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

Should i tell him i do trust him in not cheating on me but i dont trust him to change his behaviour as it has give me alot of pain even when he knew i would be crying e would leave me alone no text no call nothing until Later at nyt and ask how am feeling why does he do that if im not like that and he is in love with me a hope u can understand but its just took my life apart a start getting panic attacks and he just sits there saying he needs to go

Say goodbye to him with no other conversation or discussion or apologies or texting or phone calls or emails. Goodbye. That's all. And don't get sucked back into the relationship with his pleas that he will do better. You know he will not do better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

Should i tell him i do trust him in not cheating on me but i dont trust him to change his behaviour as it has give me alot of pain even when he knew i would be crying e would leave me alone no text no call nothing until Later at nyt and ask how am feeling why does he do that if im not like that and he is in love with me a hope u can understand but its just took my life apart a start getting panic attacks and he just sits there saying he needs to go

You don't need to ask him why he does what he does, nor do you actually need to tell him how it makes you feel. You just need to end it, and walk away.

He does what he does because it's who he is. You asking him why would be like asking a fish why it lives in the water. It does it because it does it, because that's the way it is. Just like him.

He tells you he needs to go. So let him go.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

You don't trust him. Why shouldn't he know that? It may not be his fault that you don't trust him, he may not have done anything wrong, but the bottom line is that you don't trust him. Read your question here. You don't trust him. That alone is enough to end this relationship.

Then you go on to say that he's controlling, he has anger issues. That's another reason to end this.

How many issues do you need to have with this man before you realize that the two of you can't be in a relationship together?

It doesn't matter what he thinks when you break up with him. He doesn't need to know the reason, he only needs to know it's over. The only one that can decide that it's over is you. After that you end it, and it's done. He doesn't need to know why.

How old are you?

I don't know why maybe being in this relationship I have took all the blame and for everything. I do trust him not to mess around but I don't trust him to treat me like a princess he only wants to meet , leave stay on his terms. I am 25 n he is 33

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Say goodbye to him with no other conversation or discussion or apologies or texting or phone calls or emails. Goodbye. That's all. And don't get sucked back into the relationship with his pleas that he will do better. You know he will not do better.

Ok I won't get sucked in to the relationship and I want to make it clear to him I'm not stupid or he can control me so can you advise what to say on that party

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Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

I dont know why maybe being in this relationship i have took all the blame and for everything. I do trust him not to mess around but i dont trust him to treat me like a princess he only wants to meet , leave stay on his terms. I am 25 n he is 33

You don't trust him. You're fooling yourself if you think you do.

If you trusted him you wouldn't be asking about his ex and the fact that she's wearing a similar dress to the one he gave you. That's not trust. You don't trust him at all. You want to, you pretend to, but you don't.

If you want to be treated like a princess, I would suggest you start dating a prince.

Look, I said it before, and I'll say it again. We aren't the ones that have to decide to stay or go. You asked for our advice, we gave it to you. It's your choice whether you take that advice or not.

So you either stay with him and accept how he treats you, and stop complaining about it, or you leave because you don't like the way he treats you and you can't handle it. Those are your options. It's up to you to choose one.

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Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

Ok i wont get sucked in to the relationship and i want to make it clear to him im not stupid or he can control me so can u advise wat to say on that pary

Say "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. Good luck, and good bye".

Then leave and go no contact.

Done and done.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

Say "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. Good luck, and good bye".

Then leave and go no contact.

Done and done.

Ok thanku very much for your advise just need to know something is it really my fault I don't trust him or his actions from what I haw told you has made me feel like this is no healthy relationship

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

Ok thanku very much for ur advise just need to know something is it really my fault i dont trust him or his actions from what i haw told u has made me feel like this is no healthy relationship

I don't know how to answer this.

Is it your fault that you don't trust him? Well, trust is earned. If he didn't earn it, then why should you trust him? But, I don't know you well enough to determine if you're just a jealous person, have trust issues, see deception in everyone. Most of the people I've met that don't trust their partner, have trust issues, and their partner isn't to blame at all. So I really can't tell you if it's your fault or not.

Let me put it this way. If he isn't trustworthy, then no, it's not your fault that you don't trust him. If you don't trust him because you have issues with trust, then yes, it's your fault that you don't trust him. I don't know you well enough to tell you which category you fit into.

Either way, this is not a healthy relationship. He makes you cry, he doesn't communicate with you, when things get tough or you try to communicate, he walks away and ignores you. That's not a relationship that has any hope of growing and thriving.

You really are better of without him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

I don't know how to answer this.

Is it your fault that you don't trust him? Well, trust is earned. If he didn't earn it, then why should you trust him? But, I don't know you well enough to determine if you're just a jealous person, have trust issues, see deception in everyone. Most of the people I've met that don't trust their partner, have trust issues, and their partner isn't to blame at all. So I really can't tell you if it's your fault or not.

Let me put it this way. If he isn't trustworthy, then no, it's not your fault that you don't trust him. If you don't trust him because you have issues with trust, then yes, it's your fault that you don't trust him. I don't know you well enough to tell you which category you fit into.

Either way, this is not a healthy relationship. He makes you cry, he doesn't communicate with you, when things get tough or you try to communicate, he walks away and ignores you. That's not a relationship that has any hope of growing and thriving.

You really are better of without him.

Honestly I am not a jealous type of person I think your right trust is earnes he lied with an issues of a girl and then I went back to him not relising how he commuicates and if he was to be trusted faithfully then he would not make me cry or walk away from me because then natrually he would feel the remorse that I gave him a chane after such pain he give me and e just went from bad to worse. And if after this long he can't decide to treat me right then its not right to stay in the relationship. I once was breaking it off with him on his birthday as there waa an issue from his end and after that time on numerous occasions I tried to makit up to him at da moment he would say its so nice but occasionally he has said I hurt him and he can never forget it no matter how much I made up for it every time he ant meet up or something he says hel makit it up2 me but that time never comes and he says it's the way his life is. He has said to me many times am anything but stupid and I think maybe he is being mean and distant because e knows I catch him on his lies or broken promises

It really doesn't matter what he's done, or why he's done it, or why you stayed. What matters is what you do now. So you have to make a choice. Stay or go. That's your choice to make.

Good luck. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

It really doesn't matter what he's done, or why he's done it, or why you stayed. What matters is what you do now. So you have to make a choice. Stay or go. That's your choice to make.

Good luck. :)

Yes I understand thanku for helping me make a choice that is right for me I was just telling you that so that it can be declared a haven't been wrong about breaking it of and been dragged tight in there to feel this way and he has maniuplated me I think it will be best for him too

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mahiya1212

Yes i understand thanku for helping me make a choice that is right for me i was just telling you that so that it can be declared a havnt been wrong abt breaking it of and jus been dragged tight in there to feel this way n he has maniuplated me i think it will be best for him too

There is no right and wrong when it comes to breaking up a relationship. It's all about how you or the other person feels. You don't need to justify your decision. It is what it is.

Good luck to you.

Hi guys last night he contacted me saying he wanted to facetime but I was busy and he said when I could when I told him he said if I could earlier than the time and I said no, he then said just say you don't want to and that hel wait 15 if not he knows its not important so I said why are you even waiting when your not going to wait for the time am free he said gundnyt and that is not in the mood to argue so I said to him to stop pointing the finger when he can't compromise he has not text bck or called me I don't know if I should contact him and say its better to stay away from me than to ignore me and contact me when you want?