I'm going to start from the very beginning. We started University and within 2 months I met her and instantly fell in love with her. I was always the one chasing her and asking if she wanted to meet up for this and that. She NEVER ended an evening of hanging out saying that she would like to see me the next day and never said anything like 'so what are you up to Wednesday?' etc. She was very shy and quiet however and was more of a listener and would very rarely open up to me.

After a few weeks a friend of mine let the cat out of the bag that I liked her and I thought that my chances of being in a relationship with her were very slim so I told her how I felt and asked her if she wanted to be with me, I wasn't going to get my hopes up and I expected a rejection. But I felt I had no choice as the guy stupidly told her. To my surprise she said yes. After a week or so of further hanging out together we hung out at my room (I was living in a student accommodation hall with about 30 other guys and she was from a small block of around 8 girls) and we got drunk one night and I said she could stay the night instead of walking back in the cold. She climbed in bed with me and we fell asleep. Days and weeks went by and she started living in my room and slowly clothes from her room migrated into mine and she moved in.

We would have a lot of fun together and it was great and we made out a lot and we were both happy. It came to the point where I broke down in front of her and said that I loved her, this clearly scared her and she obviously didn't feel the same for me after such little time and she went back to her accommodation to give me some space and she was shocked for a while until she came back. One night as we were watching a film at mine, there was a knock at my door and it turned out to be one of her friends and she asked to speak to her in private. Basically this friend of hers said that her housemates were worried about her and had not seen her in weeks, which was true as she was spending all her time with me (I was not controlling her in any way, it was her own choosing) they said that there were other guys out there and that she should choose her friends over me. This made me very upset and my girlfriend got very angry with them and decided to stay with me over them.

Living in an all male accommodation was very hard for her for going to the toilet etc and to avoid contact with her old friends she would sneak out late at night to have a shower at her old place without being seen. We lived like this until the end of the semester. A friend of mine heard that I was looking to move into a small house and she said there was a room I could rent that she was moving out of. I moved in and my girlfriend also ended up moving into a room there too as it would have been awkward for her to have moved back into her old accommodation after ignoring the girls there for so long.

We have been together for almost 2 years now and are still living together. It took us 2 months before we had sex and we were both virgins. Sex was not great at the beginning but it was new for the both of us and extremely fun and sometimes we had sex twice a day. After a while I got more sexual confidence and tried different angles and positions and improved a lot, she however, tried it on the top a few times and she was bad at it and doesn't try it on top anymore, even though I thought it was very sexy. When she was not in the mood she would love to give me oral. Now however, I get rejected when I initiate sex, she says 'I'm tired' or 'I have a headache'. She doesn't initiate sex either and we can go a whole week until we do and even then I'm sure she doesn't actually want sex, she's just doing it to make me happy. She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret. This really makes me upset. I don't demand sex and I could live with the frequency, I just would like to feel wanted and for HER to want sex too. I have talked to her about it multiple times and she says that she has been very stressed and tired lately. Myself confidence has diminished and I am starting to wonder whether she is attracted to me, I asked her and she says that she is, just I am too 'comfortable'. She moved in with me twice and she's calling me comfortable. I have thought about moving out or asking her to move out and rent somewhere else to solve this. I am really in love with this girl and I know that she loves me too. We often talk about a future together and kids etc, so I know that she is committed and plans on staying with me. I am just unsure if this is the person I could marry in the future, how will she feel a few years from now? I am completely happy, but I get the impression that she has the signs that she is getting bored or losing interest in the relationship. I know this was a very long post, but I thought that I should explain the whole story. I really need someone's advice. Thanks in advance.

>Threads Merged<

Dude, when the lust has worn off often what's left is a lack of proper communications since things have changed both in your living situation, social circle, and expectations and now is the time for honest communications to see if these conflicts can be resolved.

Your bodies got you together but a meeting of the minds is what you build a life on.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Dude, when the lust has worn off often what's left is a lack of proper communications since things have changed both in your living situation, social circle, and expectations and now is the time for honest communications to see if these conflicts can be resolved.

Your bodies got you together but a meeting of the minds is what you build a life on.

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Thanks for the time to read this. I think you could be right about the communication. I believe I communicate adequately with her, it's just she seems to want to avoid talking about it and says she's tired/stressed/got a headache lately. Maybe she is telling the truth, but it's been like this for a few months now and I am really starting to worry. I know if I push her to tell me honestly she may get mad at me and it may cause more problems, especially if she thinks I just want sex, which isn't true. I could live with sex just twice a month, a lack of her wanting sex or initiating any form of intimacy is what really bothers me. I used to be very introverted and felt uncomfortable showing intimacy towards her, but over the course of these 2 years my intimacy and love for her has grown while hers seems to have diminished towards me.

A lack of sex is but a symptom of a greater problem to be addressed in other areas of the relationship. If all you see as a problem is a lack of sex, then you are missing a bigger problem.

In time those unresolved issues breed resentments, confusion, and anger.

I'm a bit confused. You diagnosed someone with schizophrenia on another thread, so you must be in the psychiatric field, and a marvel in that field since no one can diagnose schizophrenia based on a few posts,when no actual medical professional could. How is it you can't diagnose your own issue?

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Originally Posted by Alty

I'm a bit confused. You diagnosed someone with schizophrenia on another thread, so you must be in the psychiatric field, and a marvel in that field since no one can diagnose schizophrenia based on a few posts,when no actual medical professional could. How is it you can't diagnose your own issue?

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I diagnosed someone else's issue as it sounded just like my sister when she started showing symptoms of schizophrenia, I am no doctor or psychiatrist. The boy asked for help and I answered his post as I have experienced this unfortunate illness 2nd hand through my older sister. Growing up with her for years, I can assure you that I understand far more about the condition than any doctor graduate that simply reads out of a book. Also, do you believe that doctors and psychiatrists have perfect relationships? I highly doubt it. I fail to see the point you are trying to make.

Same question I've many times - why does anyone come on AMHD, taking the trouble to open an account, post inaccurate or inappropriate info (which all of us have done at one time or another) and then criticize and attack very well respected members who have answered thousands of questions?

Ego? Something else?

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I diagnosed someone else's issue as it sounded just like my sister when she started showing symptoms of schizophrenia, I am no doctor or psychiatrist.

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You can have an opinion, as we all do, but your process of diagnosis is as flawed and dangerous as your non credentials, and lack of qualifications.

Just caught this - "I diagnosed someone else's issue .."

Dangerous and foolish.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You can have an opinion, as we all do, but your process of diagnosis is as flawed and dangerous as your non credentials, and lack of qualifications.

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You are right, it is an opinion. Anyone who comes onto AMHD or any website for that matter looking for a diagnosis is stupid, they should seek the professionals. The boy asked for people's opinions and I am entitled to my own. And no I do not have an ego problem, I do not get any satisfaction from seeing my sister suffer every day and I am not proud of it. And how is my advice dangerous? How is he going to be in danger for thinking that he may have schizophrenia? Of course he should seek professional advice, but knowing that he could have schizophrenia is a start. If I am right and he does actually have schizophrenia, there is nothing they can do about it anyway so my advice is no more important than anyone else's nor is it any more dangerous.

It wasn't an opinion - it was diagnosis and I'm quoting you: "Just caught this - "I diagnosed someone else's issue.. "

I fail to see how your passive/aggressive comments and self-pity about your sister's illness and suggesting such a possibility to a stranger helps the stranger.

And should people come to AMHD for medical advice? No, because people who don't have a clue might diagnose them and cause irreparable harm.

The real issue is you taking a lack of sex by your partner as a lack of interest in YOU. My advice was to look deeper than the lack of sex.

Thank you talaniman

Perhaps your girlfriend is stung by your feelings that she's "tried it on top" but "isn't very good at it," particularly when this criticism comes from someone who was a virgin before he met her.

Or perhaps she simply doesn't like/love you any more. There's a lot of that going around.

Or maybe you aren't as skilled as you think you are.

Or maybe she thinks you are thinking of your relationship as a controlled experiment.

Or maybe the relationship was fun when you were pursuing her. Now that you've "caught her" it's not as much fun for her. You said you always chased her.

Or maybe love at first sight doesn't always last.

Schizophrenia runs in families. Maybe she's concerned about your family's history, it's a medical concern for her and she needs to be reassured. People have posted on AMHD that they've ended relationships due to health concerns.

You could always try asking her.

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Originally Posted by 1102568

You are right, it is an opinion. Anyone who comes onto AMHD or any website for that matter looking for a diagnosis is stupid, they should seek the professionals. The boy asked for people's opinions and I am entitled to my own. And no I do not have an ego problem, I do not get any satisfaction from seeing my sister suffer every day and I am not proud of it. And how is my advice dangerous? How is he going to be in danger for thinking that he may have schizophrenia? Of course he should seek professional advice, but knowing that he could have schizophrenia is a start. If I am right and he does actually have schizophrenia, there is nothing they can do about it anyway so my advice is no more important than anyone else's nor is it any more dangerous.

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The danger is that you diagnosed. You didn't say "You should see a doctor, a specialist" you told the poster that he has schizophrenia. You can't make that diagnosis, you're not qualified.

Sharing your own experience is fine, that's what most of us base our opinions on, our past experiences, but diagnosing someone because you had a family member with similar symptoms, is dangerous.

We don't diagnose on this site, and that's what you did. It's not allowed. Opinion is, but not a diagnosis. Do you see the difference?

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Perhaps your girlfriend is stung by your feelings that she's "tried it on top" but "isn't very good at it," particularly when this criticism comes from someone who was a virgin before he met her.

Or perhaps she simply doesn't like/love you any more. There's a lot of that going around.

Or maybe you aren't as skilled as you think you are.

Or maybe she thinks you are thinking of your relationship as a controlled experiment.

Or maybe the relationship was fun when you were pursuing her. Now that you've "caught her" it's not as much fun for her. You said you always chased her.

Or maybe love at first sight doesn't always last.

Schizophrenia runs in families. Maybe she's concerned about your family's history, it's a medical concern for her and she needs to be reassured. People have posted on AMHD that they've ended relationships due to health concerns.

You could always try asking her.

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Thanks for taking the time to answer the question and some valid points there. I find her very attractive on top and I like her performance quite a lot. I never told her it was bad, she just doesn't feel confident and doesn't like the position very much. I just assume that she thinks she's not very good. I know that she loves me, she tells me that she does and she often talks about the future with me, having children and marriage etc. Maybe you are right and I am not as skilled as I think I am. I can make her orgasm on occasion but I find it very difficult. Do you think she may not be satisfied with the frequency of them? I am very serious about the relationship and I don't think of it as a controlled experiment, and I want to be with her in the future after university if possible. I agree about the chasing, I think the relationship is far less exciting now we're moved in together. The joke about schizophrenia made me laugh, but if you're being serious, I think that it doesn't bother her at all. She hasn't met my sister yet either, but it will be interesting/worrying to see her reaction to her condition.

I think you two jumped in to sex and living together too soon, especially since you two were inexperienced. She gave up friends and who knows what else to be in this relationship with you. Maybe she stayed all this time because you were her first and she does not want to feel like this time was for naught.
I think you two need to step away from each other (at least not living together) and give each other some breathing room. I'm thinking she is unhappy but does not want to admit even to herself that she is unhappy. The sex was fun and new at the beginning but she is just not into it any more and she may not be as in to you anymore.

Homegirl said it all, and well.

And, no, I wasn't joking about your sister's health. I'm not saying it did scare your girlfriend off. I am saying it could be a concern, particularly if she's not well informed. I'd suggest you and she do some research if this is the issue, but we all know that's not your style.

And whether someone is "good" or "bad" at sex is totally in the eyes of the participants. I don't know how you can judge "good" and "bad" if you are also inexperienced.

Thank you both for the input. I think homegirl could be right and I have considered moving out as a possibility. Maybe there is nothing wrong however and this is all just a sign that she's comfortable (in a good way) around me. All relationships are bound to loose spark as the individuals get comfortable around each other and it doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with the relationship or a lack of love. For now I have decided to just see how things go as she doesn't seem to want to talk or doesn't think there is anything to talk about. Perhaps she is happy after all. Time will tell I guess. If anything happens, I'll be sure to post.

The spark in a relation can fizzle a bit but when you get to where you want no sex and you don't even want to talk about it, there is a problem. That is not a sign of comfort. There is a problem when one person has a problem with something and the other doesn't. It means you are not on the same page, and when one does not even care to talk about it, well...
You two need to talk.

Yes, I have expresses to her that we need to talk, but she denies that there is a problem and doesn't converse with me about the subject. I cannot make her speak to me about it if she doesn't want to or if there is in fact nothing wrong. She claims she is just tired/stressed. I am just going to trust her words for now, I have stressed that this is bothering me and I feel that it is important for our relationship, and that is all that I can really do without making matters worse.

What is going to make matters worse is if it continues to be a problem for you and she continues to ignore it. But you will do what you want.
I wish you well.

I disagree with all relationships losing their spark, totally disagree. You already said she is bored with the relationship.

You've gotten every opinion under the sun. I'd give up on the relationship and move on.

Bottom line - you cannot make her love you!

I never said she was bored, I said maybe she was as I was just guessing. I have an update, I decided to try one more time to get an answer and this time I said that if I didn't get an answer I would consider moving on as I could only see it getting worse. She said that the 3 societies that she organizes in the university were really stressing her as she spends time planning them and she feels like people take her for granted, our other house mate won't clean up after himself and doesn't pay his share of the bills on time and our course assignments bother her too. And she said that she takes her frustration out at me over little things or over nothing at all as she is in a constant bad mood. She said that she loves me a lot and she said it would be best that she cancelled 2 of 3 societies she is running to ease some of the stress. It sounds like we are finally getting to possibly rectify this problem. I'll see how it goes from here. I'll keep you posted

Well, looks like we all wasted a lot of our time. OP is going to do what OP is going to do.

Stay tuned for the next round of posts.

Yes, much of this post WAS a waste of time as certain members were verbally abusing me about a mistake I made in a completely different, unrelated post. I did however, take time listening to people's opinions and I am grateful for them. Telling me to move on and give up etc was not an acceptable approach in my opinion as I had already stated that I was in love with her and was sure that she felt the same. Giving up is the easy thing to do and I would not have needed to post about it if I was going to do that. The post was to see the alternatives. This probably reads as a very aggressive reply, but I assure you that it's not and I am grateful for your time and I respect that.

Just read your story... I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and our sex has declined a lot, we use to have sex a lot ( sometimes 3 times a day) but that was quite early in our relationship. Sometimes things get boring in the bedroom, maybe you should try doing something different. Speaking for myself, I get bored quite easily and find that if It's not as spicy as it has been previous times the sex will slow down. Both my boyfriend and I have sat down and talked about this and I understand what you are going through... I guess the point I'm trying to get across is... talk about it, actually talk about it, tell her its bothering you! I hope I helped and I hope things work out :)

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Originally Posted by sarabeary

Just read your story... I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and our sex has declined a lot, we use to have sex a lot ( sometimes 3 times a day) but that was quite early in our relationship. Sometimes things get boring in the bedroom, maybe you should try doing something different. Speaking for myself, I get bored quite easily and find that if It's not as spicy as it has been previous times the sex will slow down. Both my boyfriend and I have sat down and talked about this and I understand what you are going through... I guess the point I'm trying to get across is... talk about it, actually talk about it, tell her its bothering you! I hope I helped and I hope things work out :)

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Thank you sarabeary for the input. I will keep in mind to try something different to spice it up a little next time she is willing to have sex.

Lack of sex is normally a symptom, not a problem, find out what the main problems are and work on those areas with her, if you value your relationship and want to keep it.

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Originally Posted by mmresd

Lack of sex is normally a symptom, not a problem, find out what the main problems are and work on those areas with her, if you value your relationship and want to keep it.

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Very true. I do not see the lack of sex as the problem though, it is in fact the reason for it, like you said.

You don't see the lack of sex as a problem? Your words, "After a while I got more sexual confidence and tried different angles and positions and improved a lot, she however, tried it on the top a few times and she was bad at it and doesn't try it on top anymore, even though I thought it was very sexy. When she was not in the mood she would love to give me oral. Now however, I get rejected when I initiate sex, she says 'I'm tired' or 'I have a headache'. she doesn't initiate sex either and we can go a whole week until we do and even then I'm sure she doesn't actually want sex, she's just doing it to make me happy. She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret. "

I don't think you are being honest with yourself. There's no crime in loving someone but leaving a relationship because an aspect of it cannot or will not be changed and that aspect makes you unhappy.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

You don't see the lack of sex as a problem? Your words, "After a while I got more sexual confidence and tried different angles and positions and improved a lot, she however, tried it on the top a few times and she was bad at it and doesn't try it on top anymore, even though I thought it was very sexy. When she was not in the mood she would love to give me oral. Now however, I get rejected when I initiate sex, she says 'I'm tired' or 'I have a headache'. she doesn't initiate sex either and we can go a whole week until we do and even then I'm sure she doesn't actually want sex, she's just doing it to make me happy. She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret. "

I don't think you are being honest with yourself. There's no crime in loving someone but leaving a relationship because an aspect of it cannot or will not be changed and that aspect makes you unhappy.

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Actually, if you read on a bit more: 'She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret. This really makes me upset. I don't demand sex and I could live with the frequency, I just would like to feel wanted and for HER to want sex too.' it's not the lack of sex, it's the reasoning behind the lack of sex. I just want to feel wanted and she has been distant in that respect.

She has other things on her mind, or otherwise distracted at this time so suck it up, and enjoy other aspects of your life. If you are that needy and insecure you cannot put yourself to productive adult endeavors to get through this down cycle in sex, then you lack the maturity for a healthy long term relationship because trust me in reality there will be many times for various reasons she will not be able to service your needs, either injury, illness, work, pregnancy, or other things that pop up.

This is where you develop your own coping skills and alternatives that work to keep the relationship healthy. This isn't about sex, or what she thinks of it. Its about your lack of coping skills, and your attitude that's quite selfish considering the lack of understanding of her situation which seems to be tied to her school work load.

Instead of understanding and supporting her through it, you get selfish and upset and feel left out, or ignored. And drop the double talk as if you can deal with the frequency of sex, but not the reason (being engrossed at school), you won't help the bond by making yourself the priority and not her very temporary activity.

Unless you think her activities for school should decrease so she can service you and keep your ego stroked. Threatening to walk ain't going to help your sex life either, and your making it a chore like doing dishes.

Can't wait until the babies come and you not only go without, unless you service yourself, but the competition that you will have for any attention from her. But she will be used to dealing with needy kids because you are acting like a big baby, and blaming her for your own lack of healthy maturity. Mostly its your unwillingness to deal with yourself in an honest way.

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'She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret. This really makes me upset

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Still laughing over that one and sorry if I seem harsh but there is no gain taking your frustration out on your body parts. You need a much better strategy that brings a lot more pleasure, and relief. One day you will look back and wished you handled yourself and your issues better so why not start thinking that way NOW.

Good Luck.

If every one of us locked ourselves in the bedroom and "jacked off" every time we got frustrated by our partner we would have one very large hand and no free time.

A little immature?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

She has other things on her mind, or otherwise distracted at this time so suck it up, and enjoy other aspects of your life. If you are that needy and insecure you cannot put yourself to productive adult endeavors to get thru this down cycle in sex, then you lack the maturity for a healthy long term relationship because trust me in reality there will be many times for various reasons she will not be able to service your needs, either injury, illness, work, pregnancy, or other things that pop up.

This is where you develop your own coping skills and alternatives that work to keep the relationship healthy. This isn't about sex, or what she thinks of it. Its about your lack of coping skills, and your attitude that's quite selfish considering the lack of understanding of her situation which seems to be tied to her school work load.

Instead of understanding and supporting her thru it, you get selfish and upset and feel left out, or ignored. And drop the double talk as if you can deal with the frequency of sex, but not the reason (being engrossed at school), you won't help the bond by making yourself the priority and not her very temporary activity.

Unless you think her activities for school should decrease so she can service you and keep your ego stroked. Threatening to walk ain't gonna help your sex life either, and your making it a chore like doing dishes.

Can't wait until the babies come and you not only go without, unless you service yourself, but the competition that you will have for any attention from her. but she will be used to dealing with needy kids because you are acting like a big baby, and blaming her for your own lack of healthy maturity. Mostly its your unwillingness to deal with yourself in an honest way.



Still laughing over that one and sorry if I seem harsh but their is no gain taking your frustration out on your body parts. You need a much better strategy that brings a lot more pleasure, and relief. One day you will look back and wished you handled yourself and your issues better so why not start thinking that way NOW.

Good Luck.

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You know what? I think you're right. I just hadn't noticed how selfish and immature I am being, I think it's time I changed my attitude. Thank you very much for making me realize this. I think you may have changed me for the better in all aspects of life. Much appreciated Talaniman!

Changing your attitude is the only thing you can control, being good to your female during difficult times is a sign of love.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Changing your attitude is the only thing you can control, being good to your female during difficult times is a sign of love.

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You are right, and I do love her ever so much, I think I can get her through this difficult time :)

I have heard about this 'game tactic' and was wondering whether it would work. I am tired of wanting to have sex with my partner only to be turned down by 'I'm tired' or 'I have a headache' excuses too often. If I did the same, and disciplined myself to stick to it even if she came on to me for sex that same night even if I were really horny, would I get the upper-hand? I am not submissive in the relationship and I think that I 'lead' the relationship, It doesn't feel right to me that she gains some power over me when it comes to sex, why can I only get it when it feels right for her and it doesn't matter the other way round you know? I feel very Emasculated when I get rejected. Also, would any women like to shed some light on whether this tactic would work on them and guys, has this worked for you?

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Originally Posted by 1102568

I have heard about this 'game tactic' and was wondering whether it would work. I am tired of wanting to have sex with my partner only to be turned down by 'I'm tired' or 'I have a headache' excuses too often. If I did the same, and disciplined myself to stick to it even if she came on to me for sex that same night even if I were really horny, would I get the upper-hand? I am not submissive in the relationship and I think that I 'lead' the relationship, It doesn't feel right to me that she gains some power over me when it comes to sex, why can I only get it when it feels right for her and it doesn't matter the other way round you know? I feel very Emasculated when I get rejected. Also, would any women like to shed some light on whether this tactic would work on them and guys, has this worked for you?

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I guess changing your attitude didn't last very long.

Stop playing games and talk with your girlfriend. Listen to each other and try to work together instead of against each other.

Both of you should try to be understanding. There will be times when one person's needs are more pressing than the other person's. You either give support and wait for things to become more even again or you decide you can't handle the low points and you walk. But you do not play manipulative games to get your way.

I see your point but how is it not manipulative when she does it? I had changed my attitude and I was very understanding until tonight when I realized she enjoys feeling powerful over me and teases me. We went to bed and we cuddled and I got very aroused with her and I kissed her and caressed her lovingly and she said she was tired. I would normally keep trying anyway, but as I changed my attitude and was being understanding I rolled over and said 'yeah you're right' and I said it's late and 'goodnight'. After only a minute of accepting sex wasn't going to happen she climbed on top of me and was caressing my skin and kissing my lower abdomen and stomach and got me aroused again and then she suddenly climbed off and laid down and said 'I'm tired' and progressed to go to sleep. It seems that she enjoys arousing me and rejecting me like she gains power over me. After viewing some blogs about denying sex to partners tonight out of curiosity, I have found that it is a tactic to 'get the upper hand'. That is why I posted this question, does it work if you turn the situation round from being a victim?

This is the link I found tonight out of curiosity, I was wondering if this actually works? I would not use this out of spitefulness, but do you think it could make things worse?

Denying Women Sex Is Psychologically Lethal | Chateau Heartiste