Can my relationship have a good future when my boyfriend gets into a legal process and his son appears?

My whole story:

My boyfriend that I have been with for 6 years has a son. I don't have children. Things have been great between us over the last 3 years. Before that he had a lot of troubles with the ex, the mother of his kid. They had some nasty fights and I was very much affected by all the drama. So was the kid. For me it was very difficult to know how to deal with it all. He has not seen his son over the last years because of the ex. He suffers that, but more than I had imagined.

He seemed to be willing to give me everything and was sorry for all the drama I had gone through. We even broke up for a time while all of it happened. He never gane up on me and we got back. He wants to plan a future with me. I live in another state far away so we have also been through distance a lot of the time. My parents are divorces and I don't want to get into any divorce, so I am very careful myself. All I know is that I love him. While he was with me last time in my city he said he wanted to live here with me, to make a home.

Now he has suddenly contacted a lawyer and will start the process to see his boy. I can understand that a love for a child is strong.

That's also why I haven't had a talk with him about it, because how am I going to make it sound as a problem to me without offending him..

But it is. First it takes a lot of time and money to get into a legal process. He is on a scholarship. I have taken the role as a " wife" since we have such a long time together and want to know about things that will affect my future too.

I have supported him financially and helped him with applications for job in my state. Now he suddenly is opening a door that has been closed, and I can truly say he closed it himself since he never mentioned the son in his plans.

Now everything can change. If he gets to see his son, he will most likely not move here. If he gets into that process I am scared of getting hurt again. The time he had with his son brings back bad memories for me, actually traumatic since I received strong threats from her. I never spent much time with the son, but felt totally abandoned and ignored when they were together. He would take my food without asking and give it to his son. If the son ruined something that was mine it was never a big deal. And I could never interfer without getting a negative respons. I felt like he changed the way of being with me. I almost saw it as if he would feel like a bad father for only being around me.

I also want kids-. Since I am not like the ex of him, I want him and me to be ready and agree both of us when the time comes. He wants children too, one day. Now I feel like the loser since I was not smart enough to get pregnant as she did. But of course, I would never let myself be so calculated, but it is a bit bitter to see that his ex has managed to trap him with the love for a son.

It will take time, pain, and resources. Am I going to be the one pulling the 2 forward when he has spent all his money on a lawyer? Will I be the one to move? Will he say to me that he can't have children because his financial and emotional situation is not ready for it when he is in the process?

Will love makes this work or am I losing my time?

I have no clue what you just asked but I am betting on that your boyfriend and you can make your relationship as good as both as you want it to be.

Now I see the whole story. Obviously you can't come between his son and him and you shouldn't. If you can't deal with sharing your boyfriend with the son, then it will probably put a big strain on the relationship. If you can accept it, then it won't. I wouldn't worry about the ex-wife. Also change is not necessarily a bad thing. In the end you have to make the decision as to whether his baggage is more than you can handle.

Sorry! Never used this before so I had to make a new post/ answer to my own question to give the details to the question:) Thanks anyway

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Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Now I see the whole story. Obviously you can't come between his son and him and you shouldn't. If you can't deal with sharing your boyfriend with the son, then it will probably put a big strain on the relationship. If you can accept it, then it won't. I wouldn't worry about the ex-wife. Also change is not necessarily a bad thing. In the end you have to make the decision as to whether his baggage is more than you can handle.

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What about the day I have kids? Then he will need to choose between living there and here? Or choose between the kids. I don't like the idea.

"Then he will need to choose between living there and here?" These are all things you need to discuss with him way before you try to get pregnant. Relationships take compromise on every level so communicate and work it out.

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Originally Posted by Oliver2011

"Then he will need to choose between living there and here?" These are all things you need to discuss with him way before you try to get pregnant. Relationships take compromise on every level so communicate and work it out.

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I think I need to talk to him, even though it can make him angry at first. You are right about that. I don't even think he has thought about it himself. I am 29 and want children in the near future and I want more than 1, if I am lucky to have any:) And I want to know that he is willing to move no matter what. Here life is safer and easier since the jobs are many.

I wouldn't exactly say he was trapped by the love for his son; a father son bond is pretty strong. You also have a lot on your plate, compounded by his problems and baggage. I think the two of you better sit down and communicate probably a lot better then it appears you already have.

Now, children for the both you; when you eventually sort it out, he has custody of his son, you two become a couple and I am quite sure that he would welcome his own child with you and would also welcome a sibling for his son to make a complete family the way it never was for him.

Love WILL make it work. You have put a lot of time into this already, don't throw it all away. Make a stand for your happiness with him and his son, and possibly one of your very own, to draw it all together.

Well thanks a lot for answering. I am happy every time somebody believes in fighting for love, because I tend to believe in it too.

What I meant by trapped was because the ex was almost 10 years older than him when they met, he was in his early twentees and had not planned to become a father.He had not even finished his career. She knew that so she stopped taking her pills on purpose behind his back. He got his life determined in many ways by a decission she took on her own, and I find it very unfair. I know a lot of girls they learn that to get a man fully committed they should try to get pregnant. Then you " trap" him because a father will usually try everything to be with his children because of love and will hesitate leaving you and will be economically committet as well. But then on the other side, a man chooses who to be with, and the risk of becoming a father is always present, and especially with a woman of over 30. It is easier to get pregnant than not to, and instead of feeling appreciated by taking full responsibility for protection I feel like the loser for being honest and pasient.

Well, that's another discussion. The fact is that the son is there and will always be. Right now I feel nervous. When the son was around about 3 years ago he treated me very bad to be good with his son. He stood me up several times, spent huge amounts of money on his son and made me pay the dinner. To have some alone time with his son he ditched me for easter when I was visitng him so I spent it alone without family nor friends. With all this in mind I fear the situation that might come so much. Since he treats me that way it is hard to imagine that he will treat our children any different as he treats me, and I want him to love me as much as he would love any child of us.

If I was a women, I would never want a man who did not want to see and be with his children,
What type of father would he be if you had kids, if he could easily give up his child.

He of course needs to learn how to budget his money on son and you and other bills. Also both need to not go out to eat if it is not affordable to do so.

But he will have to share his time,

This is of course the other issue with long distance romance and love. If he can not move to you, and you can not move to him, end it, since there will never be a relationship that will work. One of you has to be able to move to make this work

Thanks for your answer. We had pretty much decided that he was going to move here since both can find well paid jobs. In his state it is very hard and the crime rate a lot higher etc.. He has been looking for jobs, and I have helped him a lot too. I am very confused and sad. I also have believed that if he did not want to fight for his son it would be a bad sign, but I still wish I knew for sure he would move here with me and start from 0 with me. I can not picture myself moving and to waste 7 years of university for being unemplyed and to have kids with no income. He might have to live there and be happy to see the son once a week.

And I do believe I have gotten a bit blinded these 3 years without the son involved. I have lived a bit in denial I think, and now it all hits me. So I do have myself to blame too.

First I suggest that you stop helping him financially. You aren't his wife. For much of the 20th century, wives of doctoral students worked and joked about getting a PhT = putting hubby through. But wives get to sue for all that investment in divorce court. Supporting him is only going to compound problems and cloud the issue of what hurts.
He could be in his son's life without staying there and without giving up what he has with you, because countless parents do it. I suggest that you just bide your time, much as it will hurt, to wait to see how the legal part pans out.
Long distance relationships statistically have a low survival rate. If he doesn't show you that he is taking steps to move after the custody battle, I would accept the fact that he is making a choice of his son over you.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

First I suggest that you stop helping him financially. You aren't his wife. For much of the 20th century, wives of doctoral students worked and joked about getting a PhT = putting hubby through. But wives get to sue for all that investment in divorce court. Supporting him is only going to compound problems and cloud the issue of what hurts.
He could be in his son's life without staying there and without giving up what he has with you, because countless parents do it. I suggest that you just bide your time, much as it will hurt, to wait to see how the legal part pans out.
Long distance relationships statistically have a low survival rate. If he doesn't show you that he is taking steps to move after the custody battle, I would accept the fact that he is making a choice of his son over you.

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As my mom says, take time as help instead of fearing it. I will hang on, try ti think about my own future and well being and be prepared for whatever outcome the legal part has. If he chooses to give up all he has with me for the son I think I will look for someone else. Knowing myself and how weak I am for him it would not surprise me if I move down there even though it would be very irrational and stupid when life is " better" here.

I did not really understand what you meant by the PhD thing and putting hubby through..

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Originally Posted by liliverona

I did not really understand what you ment by the PhD thing and putting hubby through...?

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You need to stop paying for his college. If you were married, and break up, you could sue for money back for paying for his education, but a girlfriend can not.

You are making it too easy for him, he has no reason to need to move, since you pay for him to stay where he is

You are totally right. I tend to think that " do what you want that others do to you" and you will do good in the long run, but maybe I need to be a bit more smart. I don't want him to move here because of money, but I think I have been too nice. I have tried to keep a balance, but I know I have done more for him than he has ever done for me and since we are not married I should neither have his kids nor will I help with money the way I have done. I need to tell you that I never gave the money for free. I lent him money and he has paid me back. But still, it can get very difficult that way.

And the money he spent on the lawyer is money I lent him for paying some of the education as well so that he could hurry and finish for us to be together. It is a tricky situation.

I would tell him that you are retreating during his custody battle. That will enable him to see how much he misses you.
You are at a critical point of all those sacrifices you have made welling up inside of you and causing resentment. When we first love someone, we tend to give and give and give. That's fine as long as the other person is giving, compromising, sacrificing too. If they don't - the relationship is pretty much doomed.
Congrats for lending rather than giving. But you 'gave' in other ways when his son was around.
For him, his son can do no wrong when he breaks something or eats all your food or you are being awful for complaining. That's pretty common and it's probably going to get more difficult. What about when the boy is a teen, and staying with you half time? If you can't sacrifice your feelings for that, I think you need to rethink the whole relationship sooner rather than later.

Hi again.

Now I had a talk. And he hung up on me... before I even got to explain.

My boyfriend removed our pictures and put the ones of himself with the son.

My boyfriend who I wrote about last time is now using the fact that I am jealous about his son against me. Last time I wrote about how I was going to deal with the idea that he is starting the process to see his son again. Because of distance and a long relationship we want it to work. I love him and he loves me.He has promissed to move with me and start a new life, has suggested marriage and kids. I have given up a lot an helped him through a lot. I had a talk with him, as hard as it was to let him know about my concerns. How can I not be concerned since pretty much all the time it has been him and me alone, since I am reaching the 30s and I am ready to start a family. I am am scared of losing him to the son, and that's my concern as well knowing how the ex manipulates I am scared his weakness for his son can make him dump me. Felt really ashamed to have that talk, since jealousy like that is a big tabu.I want kids myself and want things to be as they should. I said I would accept him and I would support him in the legal process. He got angry at first and said my concerns and jealousy made me look bad. Then he made sure to make me understand that he loved me and would always give me my place as a wife or a girlfriend no matter and that our plans of moving to my state would never change. He is a father because the ex made herself pregnant behind his back, and she has done everything to make his life hard, including taking his son away from him. He suffered a lot, and I try to deal with it all and keep calm and rational for him too. Yesterday after a fight he removed the pictures of us on Facebook and replaced them with pictures of him and his son, because he knows how hard I find it. How can I deal with it when he uses the love for him as a veapon to hurt me on purpose when we fight? I should feel like a bad person for showing any resenment, but whenever he wants he used it against me. If he wants it to work I think it is very wrong to try to make us compete for his love, when that is a challenge in itself that I so far has tried to handle and have decided that I can handle well if he includes me.

I want to add that the fight had nothing to do with the son. We already had a talk about that and we had put peace on that subject. The fight was just about something silly.

Any man that will use a child as a weapon just needs to be left, just move on and save yourself years of heart ache.

As another answer said, save yourself years of heartache. This relationship can only lead to misery with his family, past and present. He is not willing to bet away from all this, and will only lead you into it even more.
You can meet others, and at 30, still have plenty of time to find someone who really cares about you. Good luck.

This is not the only relationship issue involving the child, and I don't believe the OP is entirely blameless.

Thread need to be combined - ?

The threads have been combined and the duplicate question has been removed.

Now, although we are only getting one side of the story... yours, I see so many red flags in this relationship. I can promise you that it won't last. Better to get out now.

You are coming between a man and his son. Honey, blood is thicker than water and I can promise you that he will choose his son before he chooses you.

Personally, I have been in your boyfriend's shoes and this is not going to play out well for you. The best thing for you to do right now is to bow out of this relationship gracefully and let him reconnect with his child.

I had an ex over 20 years ago who acted the same way you seem to be, and my situation is similar to your boyfriend's. Notice I said "I had an EX".

You are jealous. It's plainly obvious to us outsiders. Is it normal? Yes, but your actions aren't.

Unfortunately for you, if you want this relationship to continue, you have to bow out until he has been reconnected to his child. You may have given up a lot, but you don't have a clue how hard it is to give up a child and then try to have a relationship with said child with a significant other in the way.

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I am scared his weakness for his son can make him dump me

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His weakness for his son won't make him "dump" you, but your jealousy towards his son WILL.

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He is a father because the ex made herself pregnant behind his back

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If I had a penny for every time I heard this, I would be a very rich woman. She didn't make herself get pregnant behind his back. He had the option to place his penis into her vagina knowing that there were consequences to those actions.

This relationship is very toxic. At this rate, I see you and him hurting this child more than you would be helping him by staying in this relationship.

Yes, the "pregnant behind his back" issue is interesting, at best, and somehow this is the fault of the child? Unless someone the boyfriend's penis fell into the girlfriend's vagina this is flawed thinking.

And, yes, anyone jealous of a child's relationship with the child's father concerns me - this is going to get very, very painful for everyone.

(I'm a five times stepmother.)

Thanks for the answer everyone. I guess the best is to withdraw before the results of the judge come. It has been a complicated relationship and I can't cooperate if he can't. And yes, if a woman says she feel jealous everyobody will throw " stones at her". It is a big tabu and I am not "allowed". I can change what I feel in my heart, but I can work with it and be a good "stepmother": I have tried my best every time, but if my love treats this as a game where he puts a picture of one of my future children one day, and when he behaves bad he replaces it with the son , for example, I will regret I made the choice of continuing with him. It is a dirty came and it disappointed me. Even though I am not a mother I have feeling, and I should be respected. Even though I am not his family of blood it doesn't justify that behaviour. If I do my best, I expect no less of him.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Any man that will use a child as a weapon just needs to be left, just move on and save yourself years of heart ache.

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Thanks. It makes me react too, and think bad of him. I know my jealousy is not fine, and I hide it and try to deal with it, because I have to, so his move yesterday to hurt me on purpose didn't work the way he wanted. It just scares me. I am far from perfect, but I try to communicate. He can't seem to communicate or fight without making nasty moves which hurt everybody. I thought it was very low to bring up the kid to provoke and to try to get me jealous. I dissliked it so much. I guess some motherinstinct in me got me scared, and I think he stepped all over me at the same by taking advantage of the people who love him by trying to provoke something negative. If he loves his son he should not use him as a weapon, if he loves his son and he loves me he should help in a positive way and not to try to provoce conflicts. It is as they say in the houses where a new baby is born, never to put a big picture of the newborn without remembering to put up a similar picture of the kid that is already there. I am not a child, of course, but I opened up to him and communiacated my concerns to him in trust, not for him to use it against me in a dirty way. I think jealosy should be kept under control, it is a natural reaction when we fear we lose someone we love, but too much can be dangerous. But in a family you want everbody happy and to feel loved, not to look for a way to punish each other by hanging up and down pitures or erasing names from a trip, " divide et impere".

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QUOTE by JudyKayTee;
This is not the only relationship issue involving the child, and I don't believe the OP is entirely blameless.

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QUOTE by JudyKayTee;
Yes, the "pregnant behind his back" issue is interesting, at best, and somehow this is the fault of the child? Unless someone the boyfriend's penis fell into the girlfriend's vagina this is flawed thinking.

And, yes, anyone jealous of a child's relationship with the child's father concerns me - this is going to get very, very painful for everyone.

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Thanks for the answer

The threads have been combined and the duplicate question has been removed.

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Quote by J_9;
Now, although we are only getting one side of the story... yours, I see so many red flags in this relationship. I can promise you that it won't last. Better to get out now.

You are coming between a man and his son. Honey, blood is thicker than water and I can promise you that he will choose his son before he chooses you.

Personally, I have been in your boyfriend's shoes and this is not going to play out well for you. The best thing for you to do right now is to bow out of this relationship gracefully and let him reconnect with his child.

I had an ex over 20 years ago who acted the same way you seem to be, and my situation is similar to your boyfriend's. Notice I said "I had an EX".

You are jealous. It's plainly obvious to us outsiders. Is it normal? Yes, but your actions aren't.

Unfortunately for you, if you want this relationship to continue, you have to bow out until he has been reconnected to his child. You may have given up a lot, but you don't have a clue how hard it is to give up a child and then try to have a relationship with said child with a significant other in the way.

His weakness for his son won't make him "dump" you, but your jealousy towards his son WILL.

If I had a penny for every time I heard this, I would be a very rich woman. She didn't make herself get pregnant behind his back. He had the option to place his penis into her vagina knowing that there were consequences to those actions.

This relationship is very toxic. At this rate, I see you and him hurting this child more than you would be helping him by staying in this relationship.

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Can a sociopath feel love for his child? My ex has all the caracteristics, we broke up. He told me all the time that he loved me, but his behaviour never matched. His whole life was a lie. All the symptoms were present. What makes me doubt is that he told me how much he loved his child and he will fight her back. He says he cries in his sleep for the child. He seemed to protect and love it a lot when we were all the 3 together.

To explain why I think he is:

Well. Double life, living with the ex and fooling both for 1,5 years. Denied everything even though he got cought.
Sent messages to 2 other woman behind my back while I had just moved in and left my job to be with him.

He hit me 3 times when he was drunk on the hips because I did not want to sleep in his bed after he had humiliated my friend and forced me to pay the whole bill.
He locked himself in the car one time when I did not feel like having sex.
When I had a very bad infection and could not stand up he wanted sex with me. He even said he wanted to go out with my friends living me totally incapable in bed.

He locked me out in the garden at 4 am one morning.

He insulted me when drunk many time. He could change his personality totally and became pure mean.

He lied about how many times he had been to another country. I saw his passport
Later, actually the 2 he has ever had, and it said 4 times instead of 16 as he claimed.

He used the same strategy with the ex as he did with me over the last period. He cheated on her too with his prev ex and said she tried to split them. The same thing he said to me about the ex, mother of the child.

He would make up incredible lies that made so much sense that it was hard to see his actual life.

He has had 4 girfriends from 2005 to 2006. He kind of convinced me that it was not at the same time, but the letters I received from his ex tells me he dated more at the same time, but made her feel so special to him, and said so much nasty and bad things about them that she believed him.

He got kicked out of several schools.

He has had maybe 20-50 sexual partners.

He has pushed me.

He drives like a maniac when drunk and doesn't respect me when I tell him to slow down.

He is very moodie.

He broke 3 plates in anger because his sister asked him to turn down the volume one time.

He left me at a club in the lines of the bathroom. I came and did not find him. The purse I asked him to take care of was on the table with nobody looking after it. He had left me alone in that city at night and did not pick up. When he finally did he was in his bed sleeping.

His ex told me in the letter that she thought he was a sociopath before I had mentioned that it had crossed my mind too.

He fight with his sister and brother, they don't speak. The sister says to me he is not worth my time, and that he is a big liar. He has also done something very cruel that she doesn't want to tell me about to her, most likely about money.

He has gone bankrupt more than once.

He got fired for betraying the boss one time.

He borrowed money from me and from his ex, and I had to fight for 1,5 year to get the money back.

He is very charming when you meet him and has many friends. My mom adores him, but doesn't know that he has been verbally and fisically abusive towards me.

When he is drunk he can suddenly accuse me for having made out with guys almost in front of him and shout to me, even though I have only been to the bathroom. I have never cheated on him.

The ex said he was doing her, me and another girl at the same time. She found out about the girl by entering his messages and seeing pictures etc. He admitted it but said they never had sex, she said they did have sex and that he had talked about a future together.

He hacked my Facebook account to send messages from my Facebook to his own so he could show the ex that him and me never had anything going on. He deleted everything, but his ex showed it to me, and it matched the dates.
I thought he had been confused, chose to believe the best of him and took him back, but he gets aggressive, turns off his phone and hides when he drinks, he doesn't show up until next day saying the same type of storied he told his ex while he was sleeping with me. He throws things after me. He is less brutal now, but still very aggressive and threatoning. He told me he would die without me, but keeps doing the same that I have told him not to do. He sent messages behind my back and I found them on his phone. I don't know... but to me something is very wrong with the man.

He made me confused because in the normal life he could cook dinner, clean dishes, jog, work hard. When he worked he could work extremely much. He is very intense and doesn't take breaks, if I interrupt for a second he gets mad and doesn't answer. He could work for 13-14 hour in a day. He always tells how much better he is than his colleagues, but that I also do some times, so I don't think too much about it. He enters the office of his father with a plastic card, his father locks with key. He is very passionate and had high dreams about the future, but I got tired of trying to make him take one step at the time. He want it, and want it now. That's why he never gradutated, he started making money, lots of money. He did not save a penny and the company got bankrupt. He did not pay childsupport and the ex hates him so he doesn't see the child. I feel very sorry for him, but I don't understand his mind. Maybe he doesn't feel bad about himself at all, how can he if he fails on everybody all the time, and also pays the price time after time. He can be very sweet. We were like best friends, but when he does bad things it is so bad that I never recover. I can't trust a word of what he says and I get scared of him when he drinks. He drinks 1-3 times pr week, and always in excess. He can laugh about himself a bit. All in all, at first sight he seems normal, but he can be cruel. If I cry he can heng up the phone and tell me I am acting like a kid. Even though he disappeard and I try to talk to him about it. I cry because he is not willing to communicate, and he shouts. When I cry he shouts even more and calls me "nagging etc". It got to the point where I almost lost my mind, and I became the crazy one. All his prev girlfriends left him because of disappointments.

My ex cried for me because we were such a great match, we were never fighting. This guy made me go crazy, and we were fighting at least once a month pretty nasty.


These threads have been combined and edited for duplication.

Why would you consider him a sociopath? That's pretty harsh. If he feels empathy and love, no he isn't one.

I don't know... but to me something is very wrong with the man.

No, not sociopath. Do you know anything about his parents or childhood or family life? I'd peg him as Borderline (few or no boundaries).

Borderline Personality Disorder

I also have to wonder if he has a drinking problem causing all this? All those incidents you were nice enough to post for us twice... how many of them was he drunk during?

His parents got divorced when he was a child. He went to a very nice private school, but was the "poor" one of the class. His father was irresponsable and cheated on the mother, he even got a child hidden with another woman. His mom drinks and gets aggressive when she drink, she has hit his sister one time and used to insult all of her kids, included my ex. His dad took him to a strip club when he was very young. His dad drinks, but is never violent. During the divorce process he had to live with his mom. He told me that what he felt about the divorce was a bit of excitement, because he would have 2 houses. But of course, he was a child, so good he saw the positve side of it. He did wet his bed as a kid. His mother worked very hard and left them at home at night many times to date men. His mother is loving and caring when sober which she most of the time has been. He said that as a grown up he wanted to buy everything he never got when he was a teenager, to make up for the poverty. As a teenager he moved back to the house of the dad because the dad had a new wife and the house was empty. He did whatever he wanted, had no rules. The mother lived alone with his sisters. He did not care to be around the mom and the sisters a lot even though they were 3 woman living in a pretty dangerous area alone. His friend were all party animals and womanizers. He still has the same friends and does a lot of the same things.

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Originally Posted by odinn7

I also have to wonder if he has a drinking problem causing all this? All those incidents you were nice enough to post for us twice....how many of them was he drunk during?

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He promissed to stop drinking one time after he disappeared for many days. Later I saw he had lied to me and been out drinking even though he told me he did not go to the party. A girl I know said she had seen him there drinking with his friends. I saw as well that he has been texting the one arranging the party telling her not to upload pics. I have told him he needs to understand the problem himself and what damages it has caused and that I will leave if he doesn't stop. He has become a bit better, but still aggressive. Sober he lies. The double life was going on for 1,5 year. The messages sent to the woman were sent by him sober. When he is sober he lies and flirts with woman, but drunk he is aggressive and nasty.

He also tells silly lies like " why dont you have my friend on facebook any more?" He can say- " She is a so I decided to delete her" Later I can talk to her, and she can say she was the one deleting him.
Small lies I could live with, but not the big lies.

So where are you with this? He's now an ex, right?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

No, not sociopath. Do you know anything about his parents or childhood or family life? I'd peg him as Borderline (few or no boundaries).

Borderline Personality Disorder

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What makes you think he is not? I chose to believe he was not, but got disappointed so many times. I had a feeling of him never feeling any guilt. He could laugh of me when I was almost collapsing in tears. He has really damaged me a lot and he knows that. It felt like if he was messing with my mind all the time. It was good for maybe 3 months, just some nast drunk fights. Then suddenly a new bad surprise about a woman or something. It was never just stable. Always a bad surprise to come. He put my life at risk several times. When sober he could just be very selfish. Let me carry the bags from the super market. Turn on the light and TV when I had a headache and ask me to go to the other room etc.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

So where are you with this? He's now an ex, right?

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He is an ex. I want to know if I have been with a sociopath. It would help me to understand what has been going on. I also wonder if he calls me and tells me he misses me, if he means it or if is it a lie.
I am just so full of questions. I spent many years of my life with him, and I feel so empty and used. From planning marriage 3 weeks ago and now it all fell apart again. I have changed a lot over the time and all my friends have been worried. I have flunked exams and become a nervous person. Lost friends and spent much time alone. I just try to find out what happened to move on.

You have already had 6 years of crap from this fellow and will have many more years to come of his crap, unless you run like hell and get him out of your life, and keep it that way.

Combining your questions together shows only past, present, and future, misery and pain.

It really doesn't matter what his mental situation was/is and what his diagnosis could be. That's not the point or the problem.

It's time for YOU to get past all of it and to get some counseling to help you do that.