I met this fabulous guy. He was so nice and sweet to me and I enjoyed going on dates with him and loved getting random text messages from him. He was very open about his life, family, where he lived and worked, just everything. I could text and call whenever I wanted to. He just worked long hours as did I (12 hour shifts) He was able to text when he was at work but I rarely get a minute with my job. We had been dating about 2 months just casually. Over the holidays I was really busy and hadn't talked to him much. In January I couldn't get a hold of him, calls went to a generic voice mail and texts were sent back to my phone. I wondered if he had a Facebook page and he did and I sent him an email through that site and he right away got back to me and said he had a new number which he gave to me. We texted each other for a couple days and after chatting to him one morning I went back to his Facebook page just to look at his pictures and noticed several of them had him and another girl and on the girls page there was a photo of her holding a baby. I thought, oh my god... It's his baby. I texted him and angrily told him to never contact me again, that he was a new father and not the person I thought he was and then blocked his number. I got an email a little while later asking why I sent him that message, blocked his number, and that he has no kids. I figured that if that baby was his or hers that there would be more than just one photo since new parents are very proud of new babies and plaster photos of them all over the place. I unblocked his number and told him I was sorry, I'm not usually nosy (which I'm not), and that it really was none of my business. Is he just mad at me, will he ever talk to me again... He was so nice.

Well you showed your true colors I guess. Now you have to wait to see if he will forgive/forget or just move on.

If it were me and I was thinking about starting a relationship with someone, and that someone reacted so quickly without information and without consulting me first, I would be very cautious about starting a relationship. What you did by going to that other girls Facebook page is close to stalking.

You have apologized and now the ball is in his court. At least hopefully you have learned a life lesson in all of this.

Those were not my true colors. I looked at his Facebook page after talking with him that morning because the more I got to know him the closer I wanted to be with him and learn more about him. He talked a lot about his family and he had pictures of them on there and it would have been nice to put faces with names. I had better things to do with my time than stalking when I could have asked him anything I wanted to.

You asked and I spoke. You can spin it anyway you want to but the facts don't change.

No, it shows you act without knowledge, assume without thinking, and get angry without proof.
So most guys will run, since if it started from a silly face book page, that you did not even ask about, how will I be over something more important

I see and understand your point very clearly. Thank you for your insight.

It was just so shocking.

I don't find the photo shocking - I do find your reaction (and defense of your reaction) to be shocking. Why would you just assume he was lying, hiding something? I can understand asking him about it; I can't understand making that assumption.

I would be done - I wouldn't be waiting for the next time you become suspicious and explode.

It sounds to me like he pulled back, you pursued, contact resumed, you saw FB and became angry. I wonder why he pulled back, ignored your calls, for a while?

Sounds to me like he backed off first, Why would he not tell you he changed his number? Then when you blew up over a Facebook page and you had only been dating a couple of months, he was probably really done.
Let it go. It appears he may have already.

Okay, thank you.

Why wouldn't a guy backoff from a girl he was ONLY casually dating, after she jumps to conclusions and goes off on him? Leave him alone and learn your lesson unfortunately, the hard way. I guess you did blow it, even though you apologized but best to let him decide what HE wants to do about it.

Yeah, okay. I get it. I haven't called, texted, emailed, NOTHING, since this happened and I'm not going to. It may not be his baby, but several pictures of him and her with their heads together, posing, embracing... I am convinced now that he has a girlfriend and was using me as "extra". I just want to go back to being alone, you can't trust anyone. I'm happy that I found out early so that at least his girlfriend wouldn't be hurt. In fact I don't want to hear from him again, but I really miss the person I thought he was who actually doesn't exist. Again, thank you for your input but I'm done with this issue.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SorryNewYork78

Yeah, okay. I get it. I haven't called, texted, emailed, NOTHING, since this happened and I'm not going to. It may not be his baby, but several pictures of him and her with their heads together, posing, embracing... I am convinced now that he has a girlfriend and was using me as "extra". I just want to go back to being alone, you can't trust anyone. I'm happy that I found out early so that at least his girlfriend wouldn't be hurt. In fact I don't want to hear from him again, but I really miss the person I thought he was who actually doesn't exist. Again, thank you for your input but I'm done with this issue.

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Me thinks you are overreacting again.

"you can't trust anyone" - you can, you just have to find the right one. It may take some digging but you will.

You seem to again be going over the top - why?

I don't see it as going over the top. It's going back to a position where I feel safe and can control. I'm passionate about a lot of things and don't really take the time to put up with nonsense but I run into so many men who are shallow. This guy was such a sweet gentleman, very attentive, thoughtful, caring... It doesn't make sense that I would be able to call and text without limitations and all we had to do to spend time together was work around our work schedules. But when you look at the photos... there are 5 to 6 of them, they are clearly together and I feel so stupid and foolish that I fell for his act and believed in him. He's just like all the others, a cookie cutter male identical to the next one in line and following the lead of the jackass that came before him. I'm tired of it. It's not being over the top as much as it is being fed up with what they think they can get away with. I want to be able to trust but with repeated experiences and familiar outcomes, I just can't.

Many people casually date others or have female friends. What made you think you were exclusive? Him ALWAYS being available for a good time?

Unpack your past baggage and explode when you have facts and not just feelings... or pictures, because you will look silly if you find out that she was a inlaw/cousin/friend, and the kid was a niece/nephew/or little cousin.

Passion is okay, but impulsive is a BIG problem.

Uh huh... Well I was under the impression he was out having a good time with me while his pregnant girlfriend was at home. I'm sorry, but that I have a problem with. I never considered him exclusive. But I did perceive him as being selfish and insincere to his girlfriend who probably thought that she WAS exclusive. You're right, I was impulsive and I should not have been. But it's over with now and life goes on.

You don't know the facts
If you live your life like this, you will always be alone, since you will jump to wrong ideas without any facts.

You have never even asked him. Perhaps it was his sister, or his best friend.

Look at some of the photos on my web site with photos of all the girls I am taking photos with, but they are just that photos with friends. Men have women friends, at times and they take photos, does not mean his baby,

You are safe because you are not interested in any truth.

I'm going back to the same thing I mentioned many posts ago - why did he break off contact in January? Do you know? It sounds like he did walk away, you pulled him back. Maybe he broke up with her, then they got back together.

Maybe it's any variety of things.

I run into tons of nice guys - where are you looking? And if he was cheating on her with you, you're not the one who is foolish. He is. I understand you were dating, nothing more, nothing less. Now, if sex was involved in such a brief relationship, well, that's different and I'd develop different standards.

Also, love and dating are not about ownership.

The LAST thing I want to do is own someone. That is not me at all. I want to be able to trust someone. I shouldn't have to doubt or worry. I was married before and he made stupid decisions, hated my family, then finally had an affair. I stood by him when everyone else was telling me to leave him but I was married to him and had children. Being married used to mean something to me. Even when all the red flags were telling me that he was unfaithful, I denied it and tried to come up with logical excuses as to why he wasn't coming home some nights and why we didn't talk or have any emotional connection anymore. Every family member I had stopped speaking to me and I went two years where my parents wouldn't talk to me. But I always stayed by his side and supported him. I don't want to control anyone or own them. That's stupid and immature when the only actions you can control are your own.

I live upstate and have been here for a little over a year. We don't work together but we do work for the same health system. I'm an ICU nurse and he does dialysis. I felt a lot of chemistry with him and enjoyed the companionship and friendship. No sex was involved. It was just nice being with him. He was someone to vent to and I was there to listen to him also. The only physical aspects were holding hands and kissing each other good bye.

I don't know why the telephone number was changed, but in December he sent me an email telling me that he missed talking with me. We had been so busy and I was working several days with little time off. I didn't pull away, we were just trying to treat all the flu cases that were coming through the door. In January, I assumed that was why I hadn't heard from him either. But this "blow up" happened on the 14th and I had last seen him around the second week of December so it wasn't as if a lot of time had passed. Of course things are always a little insane with the holidays in there as well.

I am not looking, and have not "looked" for years. I have my usual hot spots in the city I go to and I'm very routine. Go to the same coffee houses, sit in the same seat or close to, always order the same thing. Drive the same route, I'd be the perfect victim for an ambush because I'm so predictable with my actions. When I ran across him and started spending time with him, it made life a little more interesting and enjoyable but I don't feel that with a lot of people. I can be very clinical and emotionally detached but I have to be with what I do otherwise I'd be sobbing into a bottle of vodka on a nightly basis.

I think I can see where your anger came from since him with a baby in a picture probably triggered some old buried feelings of past bad times with your ex, and maybe a few more guys. But now its like you are trying to justify your react and that's not a good sign. It's a very unhealthy way to cope with the events you set in motion.

I can't blame you for looking at his Facebook, whatever your motives, but your hurt and shock were handled badly so acknowledge that part of your actions you could have controlled and don't shift the blame to him because you never looked for the truth after you found your evidence.

That's on you and no one else. Unpack that past baggage because it influences your thoughts and actions NOW, and the influence is not a good one. Deal with it, or you will repeat this behavior at the next "shocking" thing you encounter, and be mad and disappointed at yourself... yet again.

I'm not justifying my actions based on my failed marriage. This is about trusting someone. I should not have to check up on anyone. I don't want to do that and my time should be spent on other more important things that need my attention. And the amount of time I have put in responding to the comments on this thread in the past day is proof that I needed the break from life's pace because what happened still bothers me. I miss him and the way he made me feel. I have told you that I should have probably acted more my age and calmly talked to him and I have also told him I was sorry. All I wanted to know was your opinion on whether down the road he will soften up and understand how I misunderstood the situation and we might be able to resume our friendship. I've invested some time and vulnerability in him and that means something to me that is not worth throwing away. And it would be just friends... No hand holding, no kissing good bye. But I do still care about him.

If you could be "just friends" with him, you would not have gotten this upset. He may somewhere down the road understand if he knew enough about your past and he may not. But you should move on. No more hopes about him. Get over this.

I think part of what you're saying is right... that not every guy is the way he appears when you first meet him. However, ask yourself the question, if he were so fabulous, then why do you still feel justifiably upset at him? Obviously not so fabulous, right?

I know what you mean when you say a woman must act on her instinct. I believe in this as well because there are so many instances where you believe that giving them the benefit of the doubt is the morally right thing to do but then what happens? They repeat the same behaviour and you're left beating yourself up for not listening to that inner voice. But at the same time, you may have used a different approach that wouldn't involve an irate email. Although you may have been upset for what you believe is a present girlfriend and his child, you can't accuse someone of something without reasonable proof. Otherwise it will appear that you're attacking the other party and you will feel really bad if there's a small possibility this wasn't what you thought it was. At the same time, he doesn't have to justify his reasons for having those photos up for you to see. Yes it does sound sketchy, but if that's who he truly is then let it go. It is not worth analyzing this if he was really keeping his family a secret from you.

Was going to update... He emailed me about a week ago stating that he woke up that morning thinking about me and he missed me and wanted to resume being friends. I was stunned, and that he accepted that I was sorry. Thank you for your advice. I'm really happy!

The best to you. :)