Help - I do not know what to do for the best...

Me & my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years. He's the only person I ever loved and trusted. He said he loves me too.

We had been looking to move in together and things generally seemed great.

We both have a lot of stresses in our lifes and he stuffers with anxiety. I'd only feel good when he's there.

The other day he broke up with me saying he didn't want to but couldn't be in a relationship. He said he knows things will get worse before they get better and doesn't want me to end up hating him.

I am heartbroke, only last weekwe where looking at houses and he was talking of taking me on holiday in a few months (my mind was even thinking he may propose on holiday!)

The last few weeks have not as been good (unless I was with him) and I had hardly seen him. I thought I'd give him some space hoping he'll miss me and call more. He hadn't been sleeping or eating... I gave him a few hand on heart texts saying I loved him but he feels distance , what's going on, which I think may have pushed him over the edge. He is now on medication and having counseling - who told him to break up with me and he needed to concentate on himselve. At the time I didn't understand this but a week on I do. It didn't end well with us both very upset. He said he would call to let me know how he is and I said I'm always here. I'm worried sick!! Not heard from him... what should I do. I know he needs time and space but its killing me I care so much.

I know when he's in a better place he might not want to be with me anymore but I would wait forever...

I want to be a friend and there for him.

Any advice on what I should do??

I can't sleep or eat because all I can think about is him. I feel like I should have known. I can see now all the signs where there and my insecruity proberly made it worse.

His job also is a major factor which he is dealing with and I know will be taking some time off from soon.

His ex messed him up so much in fact destroyed him, I thought he was better from that but it has re-surface. We got together a few months after his pervious break up, it may sound soon but I knew him before hand and our friendship got stronger then changed into a relationship not getting to a more serious one till a 1 1/2 years in just all felt so right. He says he wants no one around him now but I hate the thought of him being alone. He is the more ture'est , kind'est person you could ever wish to meet a rare soul. What can I do to make it better? I've never hurt so much or thought we'd ever break up.

Thanks for reading...

Sorry to read about all this, but it happens. Life deals us many different ways to live, and we have to choose one. All you can do for now is to wait, and hope things work out later on. As far as forgetting about all this, you never will. But, as time goes on, it will be easier. Please meet some new people, talk with them, be honest and respectful, and you will meet someone else who you can love just as well. He needs time, but no one knows how much. Good luck and hope you have a great new year.

"I'd only feel good when he's there" - Not healthy.

"The last few weeks have not as been good (unless i was with him)" - Not healthy.

I know breakups are difficult. We have all been through them and we have all survived them. But you need to use this time to get you healthy. Depending on someone else for your happiness is not mentally healthy at all. Think about it. If you were a complete person whereas you were happy and content, your boyfriend should be an extension of that. He should be that (meaning your total happiness and contentment).

You cannot change his thoughts, actions, emotions, etc. But you do control yours. Yes he hurt you with this decision. But you control whether today and tomorrow is a good day. It is difficult at first but trust me it works. Fill you time with activities. Call girlfriends you have been neglecting and go out. Go for a long walk and appreciate what is out there. I promise it works.

Thank you for your replies - it means a lot.

I'm struggling with the idea of moving on... he means so much to mean how can I not do anything when he's so ill.

I will give him space and time but its so hard to think of him unhappy when we are so close surely talking to me could help. I really don't want to lose him, even as friends so I can support him.

Maybe I should tell you a little more (about me I can't say anymore about his problems)

I should be taking medication for stress but I'm not I just get emotional sometimes but is/was lessening. I am a positive person (wheres my ex was not, the only time we clashed) but apparently I set too higher goals and fall hard. I set up and loss a business now am picking up slowing freelance work. I live with my folks in their gorgeous house they have worked a life time for. Unfor my dad was in a bad motor accident leaving him partly disabled resulting in him losing his life long business and they are fighting to this day to keep the house. My ex was supporting me through this despite having his own issues. When we where together if was an escape I guess from this and we where planning our life together. I feel like I've lost the best thing in my life, my best friend. I also feel really selfish as this is all about me me me when its my ex who is ill...

I want to explain to him (if he will see me) but not sure I should as it may bring up wanted emtions again and poss stop us from being friends (if he wants us to be) but I am feeling bad because now I know a lot more I can see how this came about.

Without giving too much details , as I have been emotional it has made me abit insecure almostt needy. Seeing me upset he had thought he'd done something wrong and got massively upset not believeing me when I said he hadn't so I think we both gave each other space hence the last fews fews not being as good but fine when we did see each other. Then in my needyness I sent the texts saying he wasn't there when I needed him , why has it been so quite between us etc which I think has brought this to the surface and trigger everything which may have happened anyway perhaps. I feel selfish as I meant it to bring us together not apart and I just want to tell him he did nothing wrong and I'm sorry I was the one that should have been there for him. Should I say this to him? Will it help him feel better or bring back emotions?

Then I want to be there if he wants as a friend but will somehow stay away if he doesn;'t. Just don't want it to be over...

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Originally Posted by souls007

Thank you for your replies - it means a lot.

I'm struggling with the idea of moving on ... he means so much to mean how can i not do anything when hes so ill.

I will give him space and time but its so hard to think of him unhappy when we are so close surely talking to me could help. I really dont want to lose him, even as friends so I can support him.

Maybe I should tell you a little more (about me I can't say anymore about his problems)

I should be taking medication for stress but im not i just get emotional sometimes but is/was lessening. I am a postive person (wheres my ex was not, the only time we clashed) but apparently I set too higher goals and fall hard. I set up and loss a business now am picking up slowing freelance work. I live with my folks in their gorgeous house they have worked a life time for. Unfor my dad was in a bad motor accident leaving him partly disabled resulting in him losing his life long business and they are fighting to this day to keep the house. My ex was supporting me through this dispite having his own issues. When we where together if was an escape i guess from this and we where planning our life together. I feel like i've lost the best thing in my life, my best friend. I also feel really selfish as this is all about me me me when its my ex who is ill...

I want to explain to him (if he will see me) but not sure I should as it may bring up wanted emtions again and poss stop us from being friends (if he wants us to be) but I am feeling bad because now i know a lot more i can see how this came about.

Without giving too much details , as I have been emotional it has made me abit insecure almostt needy. Seeing me upset he had thought he'd done something wrong and got massively upset not believeing me when i said he hadn't so I think we both gave each other space hence the last fews fews not being as good but fine when we did see each other. Then in my needyness I sent the texts saying he wasnt there when i needed him , why has it been so quite between us etc which i think has brought this to the surface and trigger everything which may have happened anyway perhaps. I feel selfish as I meant it to bring us together not apart and I just want to tell him he did nothing wrong and im sorry I was the one that should of been there for him. Should I say this to him?? Will it help him feel better or bring back emotions?

Then I want to be there if he wants as a friend but will somehow stay away if he doesn;'t. Just dont want it to be over ...

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Nobody wants a relationship to end. You have to face reality that this is not your decision and you are not in total control of his decisions. If he decides it is over then it is probably over. If you decide to hang on, living for every little piece of a hint of a relationship that he may give you, then you aren't moving forward and you aren't doing yourself any good.

Maybe I am misreading you, but from what you just posted it almost sounds like you had a little codependency going on as well. I give advice all the time that people need to take charge of their emotions and emotional well being. You are leaving your happiness and mental wellness in his hands and that will never work out well for you. Trust me it feels great being in charge of those things. You just have to be willing to do it.

Thank you for your comments - all makes sense.

I am trying to accept it is over, just never thought it would be.

You maybe right on the codependency, I have just never been this close to anyone before so have never had it taken away. Preverously neverfelt the need but I am struggling with this mre than I thought possible.

Do you think I should tell him so he knows he didn't do anything wrong or is it best to leave it?

Not sure what is the best thing to do...

If you feel it gives you a sense of closure or it seems like the "right thing to do". But after that message you have to remain firm that you will not send him anymore messages. The reason for him ending this has nothing to do with you specifically. It has to do with him and his personal issues. Based on the fact that he feels too inadequate to be with you, it's obvious he needs to seek help outside of the relationship in order to heal. Whether you recognize it or not, he is doing you a favour by leaving now before problems escalate and he's rubbing some of his problems off on you. He's smart for making this informed decision and I'm sure it wasn't an easy one for him to make. Just give him time to understand who he is first, gain some self-worth and you will see that if your relationship with him is meant to be he will come back to you with arms wide open. Not only that but once he has worked on himself and he is truly happy, you will notice this change and things will be more sustaining in your relationship with him if the two of you ever decide to get back together.

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Originally Posted by souls007

Thank you for your comments - all makes sense.

I am trying to accept it is over, just never thought it would be.

You maybe right on the codependency, i have just never been this close to anyone before so have never had it taken away. preverously neverfelt the need but I am struggling with this mre than i thought possible.

Do you think i should tell him so he knows he didnt do anything wrong or is it best to leave it?

Not sure what is the best thing to do....

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That is your decision to make. But if it was me and he was the one who broke it off, I would just leave it.

There's nothing wrong with going to talk to a counselor about what you are feeling. They would have so much more insight than me.

I had a 3 year relationship once. It was incredible. We were incredible friends and did everything together. He (yes I am gay) had a bit of a lying problem though. It wasn't huge lies by any means. It was just little lies all the time. Anyway, I finally got fed up with it and ended it. He still wanted to be friends but I broke it off clean. I know he had to go to counseling about it because it was such a huge void in our lives. I caught up with him eventually and he had a new boyfriend - named Oliver. UGH!

Go talk to someone. It will definitely help you put the pieces back together. But work on you being a better you too. That would be huge in your life.

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Originally Posted by Oliver2011

That is your decision to make. But if it was me and he was the one who broke it off, I would just leave it.

There's nothing wrong with going to talk to a counselor about what you are feeling. They would have so much more insight than me.

I had a 3 year relationship once. It was incredible. We were incredible friends and did everything together. He (yes I am gay) had a bit of a lying problem though. It wasn't huge lies by any means. It was just little lies all the time. Anywho, I finally got fed up with it and ended it. He still wanted to be friends but I broke it off clean. I know he had to go to counseling about it because it was such a huge void in our lives. I caught up with him eventually and he had a new boyfriend - named Oliver. UGH!!

Go talk to someone. It will definitely help you put the pieces back together. But work on you being a better you too. That would be huge in your life.

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What a coincidence! I feel like you are my twin. I had a 3 year relationship too which just recently ended because of all the lies. It was hard to let go (still is) because of the closeness but in the end you know it's the right thing to do.

Leave him alone and burden him no more because he really does need time and space to work on his issues himself. You need to work on your own issues YOURSELF and find peace through time, and the healing process.

When you both are healthy, then and only then can a relationship be healthy, and possible.

Thank you all for your replies.

I hope everything works out well for you all too.

I feel because neither of us wanted to end and it was so hard for him to end it plus I care so much I cannot walk away. He has an illness and I hope he can find happiness soon.
Hopefully he will want to see me (am leaving it a week before I contact him but have not heard anything from him so far) let him know he was never to blame for anything and I was the one that should have been there, that I want to support him as a friend then somehow leave it at that. Hopefully it will be the right thing to do. I wish things where different.

Thanks

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Originally Posted by FightingBlues

What a coincidence! I feel like you are my twin. I had a 3 year relationship too which just recently ended because of all the lies. It was hard to let go (still is) because of the closeness but in the end you know it's the right thing to do.

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MEN! :)

Mine was a few years ago. Terrence and I still talk every once in a while. But believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel. That door closed and a huge door opened!

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Originally Posted by Oliver2011

MEN!! :)

Mine was a few years ago. Terrence and I still talk every once in a while. But believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel. That door closed and a huge door opened!!

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Oh I decided to go no contact but I suppose it depends what you're willing to live with and also the severity of the lies in question.

Glad to hear you have found happiness again! :) I am learning a lot from others such as yourself.

Thanks for your comment Talaniman

I understand turley the need to give him time and space. Your comment is abit harsh. My emotions are raw and the best thing in my world is hurting so much and I can't be there. I know it is over (although I am finding it impossible to accept) but how can I just never see him again asp as the last time I saw him was so meesy. I feel I at least need some closure if he will see me but I will not be going over to upset or make anything worse. Just want to offer support, friendship, to let him know its OK and he is amazing and never did anything wrong. This can't be bad, can it. If he wants to see me that's what I'll say and importantly listen. We are close and I know more than anyone about his issue he said I'm was the only one he could talk to so if he wants I'll be there. If he doesn't I won't keep calling/contacting him as I know that is not fair. I feel better now I have a plan but it is up to him...
I hope this is right but I just cannot leaving how it ended before

I would send it to him through text rather than in person because it will be harder for him to work on himself if he sees you in person. Like I said before, when he's ready, he'll contact you again. You also don't know if his counsellor is advising him not to contact you. If that's the case then perhaps initiating another conversation with him will further delay his progress. How long ago was this when he decided to break things off? It sounds like it was fairly recent so if you give him time to reflect, I'm sure he will respond to your sincerity when he is ready. You sound like a very caring and compassionate person which I know, speaking from personal experience, only makes this harder for you but you must trust that if you're meant to be with him he will come back to you once he feels better about himself. Good luck! :)

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Originally Posted by souls007

Thanks for your comment Talaniman

I understand turley the need to give him time and space. Your comment is abit harsh. My emotions are raw and the best thing in my world is hurting so much and I can't be there. I know it is over (although I am finding it impossible to accept) but how can i just never see him again asp as the last time I saw him was so meesy. I feel I at least need some closure if he will see me but I will not be going over to upset or make anything worse. Just want to offer support, friendship, to let him know its ok and he is amazing and nver did anything wrong. This can't be bad, can it. If he wants to see me thats what i'll say and importantly listen. We are close and i know more than anyone about his issue he said im was the only one he could talk to so if he wants i'll be there. If he doesnt I wont keep calling/contacting him as I know that is not fair. I feel better now I have a plan but it is up to him....
I hope this is right but i just cannot leaving how it ended before

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I reread Talaniman's comments and I don't think they are harsh at all. They are the truth and sometimes tough love is better than saying what you want to hear.

Trust me - it works if you use it. Fix you and your relationships will be better and more fulfilling.

Acceptance of what has happened is the best closure you can give yourself. And in time you will.

>CYBER HUG<

Ok yes I will follow your advise - and not push anything. It is very recent and am still coming to terms with all of this. I have done a lot of reading so have a better unstanding of his illness and it has helped me understand why he had to end it. As far as I knew we had life stresses but we where happy looking at houses and ready to continue ours lifes together.

Your advice is helping me come to terms and understand where its at and also what I must do for the best. Perhaps a letter then he can choose to read it or not. I still have half my things at his so will need to go around at some point however isn't really an issue atm.

I wish I could see the furture but I really hope it will be with him

Maybe develop a reward system for yourself every time you go a day without contact. Tell yourself positive affirmations that will help you see that what you're doing is only for the benefit of both of you. You will me amazed at your determination and commitment to staying strong!

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Originally Posted by FightingBlues

Maybe develop a reward system for yourself every time you go a day without contact. Tell yourself positive affirmations that will help you see that what you're doing is only for the benefit of both of you. You will me amazed at your determination and commitment to staying strong!

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Thank you - you have been so helpful.

That is a good idea as it is killing not too. Its difficult when someone you love is hurting and the only thing you can do is nothing

It is a very helpless feeling but you have to keep telling yourself you're doing the right thing-- not just for him but for you as well. Trust he is in good hands because he's being proactive about his circumstances. You can and will fight through this! :)

I really hope so!!

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Originally Posted by souls007

Thank you - you have been so helpful.

That is a good idea as it is killing not too. Its difficult when someone you love is hurting and the only thing you can do is nothing

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Being good to yourself is a great idea.