Post-breakup 7 months after 2.5 year relationship. It was my first long term relationship and I'm 28. I consider myself depressed and weak in mind and motivation. My friends and family are saying it takes much too long. I'm still heavily pining for her, but she has moved on. I'm going into real NC and trying all the tricks in the book - new activities, NC, (I'm back home / family / skiing with friends in Europe over Christmas / New Years holidays) but will have to move back to my 'real home' (I live in Asia) within a couple of days. Im afraid of a relapse and don't want it to happen. I think there's more at play, e.g. (severe) depression, something I experienced in my younger days.

I don't know how to couple mentally. Im talking to a new girl and I admit I consider it a rebound, purely of my absolute fear of being alone, something that haunted me seriously 2 months ago prompting me to come back home to my family earlier. I seriously considered suicide. I can't put a finger on this prolonged absolute anxiety of the sense of being abandoned. Furthermore lots of close friends are getting married, buying houses, getting babies, the usual stories and it makes me more depressed. It's a sense of loss of purpose that Im going through and Ill probably have to fall deep to find myself. Its outright scary and paralysing and I don't want to go through it again.

A whole new year to start, without my ex and further lifes motivation. I can't afford it as I need my life on track, have a fulltime job I don't want to loose, but I know my sense of emptiness and internal loneliness will kill me. Besides 2 friends I have as coaches (one a clinical psychologist, another a recent divorcée through some heavy stuff) I will consult a psychologist in my city.

Does anyone have an explanation why people have to fall so deep / find themselves, and why it can feel so terrifying. My friends say to man up, and there are supposedly worse things happening in the world but for me this is debilitating and I want to avoid the relapse when I get home at all costs. Thanks

It sounds like you have had a really rough time and it's totally understandable where your fears and low mood is coming from. It sounds like you really need someone to talk to have you considered counselling? Some counselling is available online so you wouldn't even have to.venture out if you didn't want too. When a relationship ends it's really hard because you mourne for the person and the relationship. Everyone mournes in different ways and I think your feelings are all part of your mourning process. It's hard to see others around you moving on when you feel this way but I am sure you have the inner strength to turn things around. Just by coming on here and explaining your situation is sentiment enough to that. If you can get counselling it will help you come to terms with things but only at your own pace there is no.right or wrong way to deal with a break up. Just because someone breaks youth heart doesn't mean you can't love the person who broke it with every piece.

Thanks 44loo for the response. I am having counseling on the breakup part, I am considering counceling on possible more deep rooted problems (eg psychotherapy). I am doing fairly well now as I'm in holidays with friends, but it's coming to an end and I'm not looking forward to it

That's good just try and take one day at a time and remember everyone feels low after the holidays try not to give yourself a hard time.

Mornings are so hard. I don't understand it but still every single morning after 7 months I wake up desperately wanting her back. Irony is that I was the one breaking up, now seriously regretting it as you can see. But life must go on, I hope for a turn around soon...

I feel you big guy as I also had a hard time managing my highs and lows emotionally back in my younger days. Seems like a big slump after a holiday and the friends and family are not there. Hard to get motivated for much but once I got a routine that suited me and was easy to follow I looked forward to starting the day.

For me it was three small chores before breakfast, and one after. Who has time to fight their own feelings when there are things to be done? We all get down after a great time, but reality is all good things come to an end,sad but rest upfor the next adventure.

Manage your time, and your mind, and your thoughts and actions will follow.

What helps me is planning. Planning your life, getting yourself out there.

You need to stay busy whether its seeing friends, meeting new ones, starting a new hobby, going to the gym or working.

I have made a concerted effort to meet new people and that has helped me as I now have new people to hang out where I would have usually been with my ex girlfriend.

Its so important to socially network at this stage in your life. With larger social circles come more opportunity to meet new women etc.

Let's look at this rationally. First be honest with yourself. Breakups are difficult so it is really okay that you not feel 100%. But now you have to look at how you approach from this point forward.

First you are on holiday skiing with friends and they have helped you keep your mind active during that time. So you don't feel as bad, correct? So when you go back to Asia if you plan is to sit around the house and concentrate on an ex who has moved on, how do you think you are going to feel? HORRID! So look at what as worked so far.

When you get back to Asia, plan on keeping your mind and body active. Go to the gym and get exercise. Go out with friends. Start a project around the house. Sign up for a cooking class so you can meet new people.

Again it is up to you and how you approach this. If you wake up in the morning and say to yourself that you are going to have a good day, you will have a good day. You are in control so since you are in control if you have the choice of having a good day or bad day, which one would you choose? I know I prefer the good ones much more. If you practice this, each day will be better. I promise. Good luck!

It's absolutely excruciating. I just got back home and have survived 2 days with a rebound lady but it's seriously going downhill again. First day at work reminded me of everything again. Absolute fear of being alone. I've begged my ex again to patch things up today, even though she's already in a relationship but isn't entirely sure herself.

I'm completely entirely obsessed. It's not healthy but everything I do throws my mind back in needing things to be they were used to be. It's absolutely frightening as I got to deal with the rebound now too.

I've put myself in a serious mess. Why does this feel so excrutinatingly scary. I feel bad things will happen.

I'm going to see a psychologist tomorrow...

This is going paired with a sort of absolute motivator loss I can't put a finger on. Sometimes I feel empowered, like right now 10 min later like 'I should do something' but before too long I'm beaten down again by feeling isolated and incapable (eg on my way back home now). Sorry I need to use these releases sometimes to keep my sanity, just so I feel I'm talking 'to someone'.

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Originally Posted by bigNavySeal

It's absolutely excruciating. I just got back home and have survived 2 days with a rebound lady but it's seriously going downhill again. First day at work reminded me of everything again. Absolute fear of being alone. I've begged my ex again to patch things up today, even though she's already in a relationship but isnt entirely sure herself.

I'm completely entirely obsessed. It's not healthy but everything I do throws my mind back in needing things to be they were used to be. It's absolutely frightening as I got to deal with the rebound now too.

I've put myself in a serious mess. Why does this feel so excrutinatingly scary. I feel bad things will happen.

I'm going to see a psychologist tomorrow.........

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Why are you putting yourself through this? I am going to be honest with you. Even if you went back with the ex it wouldn't make you whole from everything you have posted. Meaning - you are defining yourself worth as someone who is only worth something and happy when you are with your ex. That doesn't have to be the case and I would suggest that you are making it totally the case.

At this point I think it is great that you are going to talk to someone about this. You need to promise yourself in the future to not allow your happiness to be controlled by other people.

How in Gods name can I live alone happily then now. My experience in live is that your happiness IS dependent on people partially, a big partially.. How do I create enough self-worth to be happy by myself with myself alone and all by myself? I have friends but feel the few times I see them per week are just not cutting it. Emotional isolation is a real situation/problem people go through. I feel if someone isn't emotionally 'close' to me I am becoming isolated very quickly. Most of my friends are married, coupled, and even though we hang out now and then I don't feel them being emotionally close to me. What am I missing...

Thanks for the prompt advice by the way Oliver2011

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Originally Posted by bigNavySeal

How in Gods name can I live alone happily then now. My experience in live is that your happiness IS dependent on people partially, a big partially....? How do I create enough self-worth to be happy by myself with myself alone and all by myself? I have friends but feel the few times I see them per week are just not cutting it. Emotional isolation is a real situation/problem people go through. I feel if someone isn't emotionally 'close' to me I am becoming isolated very quickly. Most of my friends are married, coupled, and even though we hang out now and then I don't feel them being emotionally close to me. What am I missing...........

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"My experience in life is that your happiness IS dependent on people partially" - I don't buy that at all. You have no control over other people. You have no control what people say to you, how they feel about you, the emotions they express to you, etc, etc, etc. But even though you have NO control over these things, you allow these people and things to control your emotions and feelings. It doesn't make sense. Example:

You start your day in a good mood. Your best friend, let's name him Scott, is in a bad mood and tells you to F off. What is your reaction? From your posts I would expect you to immediately become depressed, crawl into your bed, and miss a few days of life.

I really want you to feel better, honestly I do. But moreover I want you to realize that you are in control of you. Yeah so what you can't go out with your friends every day. Appreciate those times where you have gone out with them and had a good time. You have filled your head with so much negativity that you won't allow yourself to be positive now.

About 6 years ago during a 6 week span of time I lost the job I loved, got divorced, and both my parents died horrible deaths. Those were a lot of life events and I honestly asked the doctor for some medication help. But I never took them. I decided that those were situations out of my control and I used everything that I have told you to use the last several weeks. I ended up getting a new job that is much better and met a person who I hope I spend the rest of my life with.

Trust me man - it works!

Omg those must have been some seriously difficult times for you. I'm sorry. But yes, it shows you can get through it.

What I find so difficult is to break away from life being 'the same'. Generally I had/have my life sorted. I still have my job, which is very boring at the moment but I'm secure, I'm saving good money, have a good living space, I have sporting activities weekly, meet with friends as well as educational programs now and then.

So everything is still the same as it was before the breakup apart from my partner. But my life was already filled with meaningful 'distraction' activities before our break-up.

Don't get wrong, I tried new things, went on bike tours, went to the gym, spend more time with friends, talked with them about this too, went back to Europe to recuperate over the holidays, but I can't be out and about all night every night, right? How to be at peace at home alone in the evenings without the thought of my ex and accompanying real 'sense of home/companionship' slipping away? I have little interest left in reading, just watching TV at home.

Should I make drastic changes, move cities, move jobs, move back to Europe? That I think would be stupid right now and I don't feel comfortable doing that either right now...

In the past when I woke up in the weekend Saturday I was happy, content with my life, ex (we lived together for 2 years). I could sleep out till 11 if I liked to. Just before my trip back home it turned into a nightmare, I'd wake up night after night early early and couldn't cope. Panic attacks, anxiety. And again each morning it is the same now, like it all isn't right anymore. Jeez, OK I'll see what the psychologist says although I don't expect too many results. I need to learn to accept the breakup and be happy alone again. No easy task mentally for my first long-term relationship experience :(. I have never thought it would feel like such a serious loss for me...

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Originally Posted by bigNavySeal

Omg those must have been some seriously difficult times for you. I'm sorry. But yes, it shows you can get through it.

What I find so difficult is to break away from life being 'the same'. Generally I had/have my life sorted. I still have my job, which is very boring at the moment but I'm secure, I'm saving good money, have a good living space, I have sporting activities weekly, meet with friends as well as educational programs now and then.

So everything is still the same as it was before the breakup apart from my partner. But my life was already filled with meaningful 'distraction' activities before our break-up.

Don't get wrong, I tried new things, went on bike tours, went to the gym, spend more time with friends, talked with them about this too, went back to Europe to recuperate over the holidays, but I can't be out and about all night every night, right? How to be at peace at home alone in the evenings with the thought of my ex and accompanying real 'sense of home/companionship' slipping away? I have little interest left in reading, just watching tv at home.

When I woke up in the weekend satudrday I was happy, content with my life, ex. Just before my trip back home it turned into a nightmare. And again each morning it is the same now, like it all isn't right anymore. Jeez, ok I'll see what the psychologist says although I don't expect too many results. I need to learn to be happy alone again :(.

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"Omg those must have been some seriously difficult times for you." Thank you - they were tough times. But my positive spin on it is my mother no longer has Alzheimer's and my dad no longer has a brain tumor.

You're right in that you can't play all the time. But I suggest during the alone times at home you do not allow your brain to be filled with negative thoughts like "I can't live without her" or "I am nothing without her" etc. You just accept the fact that she made a decision that is out of your control and while you wish she hadn't and yes it is hard, it is time to move your life forward again. It does get easier as time passes.

Plus we have a tendency when something like this happens to remember just the perfect things about that person and not the things that used to get on our nerves.

I live with my significant other for the most part now and I LOVE it when I have my place to myself sometimes. It is okay to be alone sometimes. Learn to appreciate the small things in life.

I know what you mean, we lived together for 2 years, and I liked my space now and then, and it worked cause she worked irregular times. But the permanent loss/her being gone is a whole different ballgame. But thanks again very much for the advice. I will have to keep putting things into practice... Although I have to admit there's someone sitting in my room right now and she gives me a sense of peace, albeit temporarily... Humans are messed up...

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Originally Posted by bigNavySeal

I know what you mean, we lived together for 2 years, and I liked my space now and then, and it worked cause she worked irregular times. But the permanent loss/her being gone is a whole different ballgame. But thanks again very much for the advice.

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You are very welcome and I hope you feel awesome again really soon!

QUOTE by bigNavySeal;
It's absolutely excruciating. I just got back home and have survived 2 days with a rebound lady but it's seriously going downhill again. First day at work reminded me of everything again. Absolute fear of being alone. I've begged my ex again to patch things up today, even though she's already in a relationship but isn't entirely sure herself.

Why would it surprise you that a rebound was going down hill? Its you that had high hopes the drug of rebounding would work, and found out its no replacement, or a long term solution. Just a bandaid to cover a bigger problem. Thats not my point though, my point is how you have handled yourself after a fun vacation. I mean geez guy, what could a rebound do to set off this spiral in to absurd panic that made you seek out and beg an ex YOU dumped to come back? Out of the blue, to be set back again? Further back it seems. I think you panicked and overreacted.

I'm completely entirely obsessed. It's not healthy but everything I do throws my mind back in needing things to be they were used to be. It's absolutely frightening as I got to deal with the rebound now too.

Not sure of the time line of events but what of this rebound that has you so overwhelmed? Which came first, the rebound situation going down hill, contacting the ex, or the panic attack, OR wanting to go back to a happier time?

I suspect you wanted to go back and soured the NOW.

I've put myself in a serious mess. Why does this feel so excrutinatingly scary. I feel bad things will happen.

Yes you did. I realize you are afraid and feel guilty for blowing your own happiness, but don't wallow in it. You don't get caught in the rain and just stand there getting wet, and then take off your clothes do you. No you find shelter, and dry off, and your shelter is to calm down and think, instead of reacting to your own fears and making it worse.

I'm going to see a psychologist tomorrow...

A good step to ending the isolation and dealing with your fears, and emoions if you actually follow hru with this decision, and let someone help you. Writing it down here and reaching out was also a good move. You can reread this later, and get a picture of yourself later, after the dust has settled.
Not that you would listen tous,LOL!

This is going paired with a sort of absolute motivator loss I can't put a finger on. Sometimes I feel empowered, like right now 10 min later like 'I should do something' but before too long I'm beaten down again by feeling isolated and incapable (eg on my way back home now). Sorry I need to use these releases sometimes to keep my sanity, just so I feel I'm talking 'to someone'.

You are talking to some one and we are telling you to get control of yourself and make a better plan to deal with yourself thats positive and thought out, and not just a reaction to a temporary glitch in the road. Don't panic, and see gloom and doom, hell we all have bad days or periods that aren't great, but we know they don'tlast so don'tmake them worse.

Sometimes we are caught up and want to do something to fix it, but we get zilch, nada, no bright ideas. Thats when you do nothing but get control of yourself.

Now about that REBOUND.....................................? Why are you mad at her?

Thanks Talaniman. Yes a lot are panic attacks, I don't exactly know why I do it. I have a real problem letting go. Even over the holidays it wasn't all that fun, even at (my parents) home I still panicked and acted confused and depressed then too, just not as severe as before. I still woke up every morning thinking about her, my heart aching and wanting to be back with her. Really every morning. God knows why this obsession and putting her on a pedestal. Can sign depression. I do feel I'm slipping into depression, something I need to stay out of at all times.

No I'm not mad at my rebound, what I meant with that I have to deal with the rebound too is that it's unlikely to work, I compare her to my ex, and yes hold on to 'happy experiences with my ex'. My rebound fell in love with me, likes my company, I have been totally honest with her in what situation I am and she doesn't seem to care too much, and even though I feel I just can't put my heart in it, selfish that I am I need her company at the moment.

So when the time comes I need to put the rebound relationship to a halt, I think that wouldn't work so easily and I'd be way back at square one, leave alone hurt her and have 2 exes in this city to be reminded off. I don't want any more exes my god. Or maybe it all works out with my rebound? Woohaa.

"Sometimes we are caught up and want to do something to fix it, but we get zilch, nada, no bright ideas. Thats when you do nothing but get control of yourself." I like that. I know I have a lot to learn still when it comes to relationships and about myself?? :(

Stop calling her a rebound and recognize you are trying to do to her what you did with the ex. Pushing her away because are ready to run because you are very selfish and want things YOUR way, and refuse to really share yourself to make them happy.

Not being alone is your comfort zone, but you don't want to pay the costs. That is selfish, and you have built a rather unhealthy world around it.

Plan your day the night before, and when you wake carry out that plan. Make it a positive plan, and spread the positive to all you encounter. Be grateful for what you have dude, because it could be worse, and be willing to share.

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with"-Isley Bros.

That includes love yourself when you are alone. Make sense? Thank the new girl for putting up with your crazy, selfish crap, she probably deserve it.

Talaniman, you are absolutely right.

My problem is why I do that. Why have I become so very selfish, want things my way, and refuse to really give myself. I am somehow scared. I was scare with my ex. Scared we can't manage together or something. Change scares me, even though I have come reasonably far. I'm not consciously intending to be selfish, or maybe I am. I don't know! Am I Narcisstic? It could be, but I generally I think I don't come across that way, I'm not full of myself or anything like that. I intend well with people.

Simple formula, Selfish is a product of insecurity, and that's a product of fear. YOUR FEAR!

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Scared we can't manage together or something. Change scares me,

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Any relationship, or interaction, even with yourself, is nothing but an exercise in making changes and adjustments, in thoughts and actions, and perceptions. Change scares us all my friend, and at some point you have to find courage to act in positive ways and pay the consequences, or get the blessing of those actions.

If you fear consequences, you will never appreciate blessings. You can never give, and will always get NOTHING, but even more fear of changing yourself.

What get me through the bad timesI know are bound to happen, is the blessings from the good times I know will happen again. Like having an umbrella during a sudden rain, thank god for that umbrella right? Good thing you planned to keep it handy and close even if he sun was out when you stepped outside.

So how will you deal with your own fear, and selfishness? EASY, stop feeding it with old ideas and share a few new ones and have he courage to make them actions.

THINK before you act or speak. ESPECIALLY when you are alone. Life is nothing but the journey to understand how you deal with YOURSELF in positive ways so you can appreciate and enjoy your blessings, both big, and small, no matter what reality/the unknown throws at you.

Have some courage it ain't that bad.

Thank you for these answers Talaniman. Very helpful

Very deep insights Talaniman (sorry I shouldn't have made a 2nd comment)

I thank you for these and would like to ask you to explain a bit further.

You say: "So how will you deal with your own fear, and selfishness? EASY, stop feeding it with old ideas and share a few new ones and have the courage to make them actions."

Can you explain upon that, particularly the second part. So for example when fearful thoughts enter your mind, you try to wash them way, e.g. with meditation? Or does it really do mean I just do not have enough positive outlets for ideas and need to find those and put them into practice. I like to help people, work with people, I just don't have the current environmental outlet. Perhaps I really do need to change jobs/environment/condo... maybe a whole different place.

I just want to point out an example of those feelings of unexplained fear: I'm often overwhelmed by these kind of feelings; yes, fear and insecurity, you hit it right on the spot. But I can't pinpoint why exactly. It often happens to me now on totally 'neutral' moments, e.g. when I was driving back from skiing with my friends in the back of the car, when the sun sets you know, long trip, I tried to sleep, but somehow half woke up in a fearful feeling, a sense of insecurity. It goes deep and it feels like it eats you up more than necessary. Is that selfishness? I should take immediate 'action' on that moment to stop it, e.g. change my position or chat with the front passengers I know, but nonetheless its this cold feeling of fear, isolation that goes deeper than for me to understand and it's just plain not good.

I'm trying to understand how I can battle fear, real fear that I sensed often, and again seriously after the breakup, so what could help and change them into "share a few new ones and have the courage to make them actions".

Things like this are closely related to depression, perhaps also selfishness, I just can't entirely pinpoint that yet, or do you think depression could be selfishness?

I read an depression article which so well described my recent feeling, you might be interested to read it, about a 50 year old widow living on her own:

http://www.mentalhealth.com/story/p52-dps1.html

I will bring up your points with my psychologist too tomorrow.

I find the easiest way of moving on is to simply change your life, change your routine. That's what its like after a breakup. You have to fill that large gap where you ex once was.

You fill this with things to look forward to, new friends, new girls (even as friends), sports, hobbies, improving your career and trying new things.

The faster you do this the better.

I also hope you are completely no contact.

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You say: "So how will you deal with your own fear, and selfishness? EASY, stop feeding it with old ideas and share a few new ones and have the courage to make them actions."

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Shut up, listen and learn, and do as you are told. Lol, that's basically what I said and what your article is saying. I am no doctor, but first hand experience has taught me to listen to be able to learn, and never be ashamed of my own flaws because they can be changed by me if I so choose. Being humble (ready to learn), patient, and thoughtfullness in things you may need to know. Facts and not just feelings that can lead to you making better decisions for yourself.

It's the plan of good orderly direction I suggest, to overcome the impulsive actions that result from fear. If it is deppression you are afraid to acknowledge, then have some courage and get facts from a professsional that knows what they are talking about and then shut up and do as he tells you to do.

What's so hard about that plan?

I am taking the courage to get professional help. I got anti-depressants and I'm seeing a psychologist. Your advice Talaniman; Shut up, listen and do as you're told I can practice for very short periods, and when I'm alone my head spins again, is going out of control. I haven't been able to sleep apart from 3 hours last night, I simply can't deal with the fact that she's gone now and I have to manage life on my own. I'm screaming in my bed, not being able to accept this, and I am getting in serious trouble. I'm scared of everything I need to do now, time passes really really slow and I can almost not put a halt to my minds worry. I literally feel I have nothing to look forward to anymore, nothing, and my mind is moving in a dark place at night. I can barely have normal conversations with people anymore, which in my situation I don't have all that much on a day to day basis, as office work is quiet. It costs a lot of effort to do the day to day things and I'm feeling I'm really really losing control. I can calm down for not longer than 5 to 10 minutes and it hits me again. Lost interest in all things. It's like if I don't solve it as we speak I completely freak out. I don't know where to turn to anymore. What's wrong with my mind! Help!

Take it easy guy, if you have started taking medication most likely its going to affect you weirdly, as you get use to it, and any side effects. What are you taking,and what's the dose.

Anti-Depressants are Desirel (Trazodone HCl 50mg), I took them not too long and irregularly, because I was worried about their addiction etc. and I was feeling better back home with my parents, but now I will take them constantly for 2 weeks as prescribed by doctor as they supposedly take a while to start working. As I indicated my negative thought pattern he advised me a high dosis, 4x 50mg tablets instead of 1x before. I don't know if that's good. Went to bed at 11pm woke up at 2am, fast beating heart. First night last night I took that dosis. It feels they don't help anyway, as my anxiety is just absolutely through the roof still. Anti-Anxiety is Haloperidol (2mg) half a tablet twice daily.

I'm pretty sure I'm becoming obsessive.

There you go wanting instant success. No such thing. Just pull through this with family if needed until you get use to the effects, and whatever side effects. May take a week or so, but keep the doctor informed.