My girlfriend, the love of my life just told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore and doesn’t know if we have a future. We have been together for 1.5 years and living together for a year. I’m devoted 100percent to this girl and I’m heart broken. Things aren’t perfect with us anymore. We fight more than usual. She doesn’t confide in me. We don’t cuddle in bed as we sleep anymore. I thought these were just rough patches and our love for each other would prevail. I don’t want to give up. I am in a lot of pain. I’m extremely emotional and I think I love too much.

I ask her if she wants to break up and she says "I don’t know." I ask if I should move out she says do what you want to do. She is beautiful and more important respectful to me. I’m far from a perfect boyfriend but I treat her good. I thinks she’s confused/depressed and I can’t get a concrete answer from her. Mostly "I don’t know." I’m lost, confused heart broken and in too much pain. I don’t know if I should be "the stronger person" and move out to confront the inevitable if so. I think she’s scared to move out maybe I really don’t know. I ask her why she stays with me and she says "I don’t know maybe we can be happy again I don’t know." Again with the I don’t know.

She’s obviously not happy. Or can I make her fall in love with me again. I try so hard to make her happy. She doesn’t do much anymore to see me smile. I want her to be happy. I want to be happy. I’m just so confused on what I should do. I love her with all my heart. Please anybody have any words of wisdom? I’m obsessing over this way too much.

What does this mean? I'm confused and I am in a lot of pain any suggestions would really help.

Thanks.

Is she seeing someone else?

Are you smothering her with your devotion?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Are you smothering her with your devotion?

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She says give me a little space, and what I hear is smother me. It is bad huh?

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Originally Posted by teacherjenn4

Is she seeing someone else?

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No. She is faithful I believe. She has never given me a reason to think otherwise. I trust her.

Yeah but you can always back off and stop the insecure needy behavior. Can't you?

How old are both of you?

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Originally Posted by teacherjenn4

How old are both of you?

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Im 27. She's 24.

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Originally Posted by lovestoomuch

Im 27. Shes 24.

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I'd ask her if she'd like to go to counseling with you. If not, I'd move out until she figures out what she wants. I wouldn't sit around waiting for her.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Yeah but you can always back off and stop the insecure needy behavior. Can't you?

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Yes. In a previous relationship my ex was acting the same way as I am. Like you put "insecure needy behavior." It drove me away. Now the roles have switched for me . I just don't know if I stay or I go. She says she's not I. Love with me anymore but doesn't want to break up. What does that mean?

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Originally Posted by teacherjenn4

I'd ask her if she'd like to go to counseling with you. If not, I'd move out until she figures out what she wants. I wouldn't sit around waiting for her.

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I support couples counseling but unfortunately she doesn't. Intellectually my mind says moving out, allowing space seems like the right thing to do but my heart says stay and fight for her. I made her fall in love once I can do it again I really don't know...

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Yeah but you can always back off and stop the insecure needy behavior. Can't you?

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I don't understand how to act around her anymore. I want to back off but what does that mean? Stop hugging her and kissing her? Talk to her less? Don't do little things for her? She just told me last night she's not in love. I honestly don't know how to actnon a minute to minute basis.

Well,I'm new here,and my english is bad,but I can try..
About the "falling in love again" thing,I think you should try that.Maybe you two could go to the place you first met her,where you had your first date/kiss, however.Something to remind her about your first moments.Than you can sure buy her something that she likes,it doesn't have to be big and expensive things.That would ssure make her happy and she would know that you care about her.Maybe she's missing the "pashion" that you two had.Try out something new,make her go crazy about you again! You don't have to be a "gentle good man" always,u can be sometimes like,"BAD" I guess :D I mean you have to show your man side,your handsomness :D Make the fire between you again! :) Im wishing you luck! :) sorry if I couldn't help :(

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Originally Posted by Anchikii

Well,im new here,and my english is bad,but i can try..
About the "falling in love again" thing,i think u should try that.Maybe you two could go to the place u first met her,where u had your first date/kiss, however.Something to remind her about your first moments.Than u can sure buy her something that she likes,it doesn't have to be big and expensive things.That would ssure make her happy and she would know that u care about her.Maybe she's missing the "pashion" that u two had.Try out something new,make her go crazy about u again! U don't have to be a "gentle good man" always,u can be sometimes like,"BAD" i guess :D I mean u have to show ur man side,your handsomness :D Make the fire between u again! :) Im wishing u luck! :) sry if i couldnt help :(

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Thank you for your response. It means a lot to me. Unfortunately I've tried some of the things you've mentioned and they haven't really worked. I buy her little gifts countless amount of flowers take her out nice restaurants even though I don't have any money. It's funny ever since I've been treating her like a princess she's been pushing me further away. You make a good point with being a man. A bad boy.. This is what she likes and I've become too soft. I don't think I'm going to give up thank you for giving me hope. I just wish things were black and white and not gray. If she's not in love with me and wants to break up that I could move on with my life what all she says is that she doesn't know doesn't want to break up what does she's not in love with me. I'm sad hurt and confused thank you for taking time out of your day to help

I think you need to move out. Sounds like she does not know how to tell you she wants that.
You do the grown up thing. Step back, move out or tell her she should leave and you two should take a break until she knows what she wants, then go no contact.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I think you need to move out. Sounds like she does not know how to tell you she wants that.
You do the grown up thing. Step back, move out or tell her she should leave and you two should take a break until she knows what she wants, then go no contact.

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She just told me she has never been in love with me. I guess I just assumed she was at some point. She said falling in love takes time for her. If after a year and 3 months of living and being together she's not in love with me is that a sign for something or is that normal I'm 27 I'm looking to settle down and have a family I love this girl from the bottom of my heart which makes this decision very hard. I can't force her to be in love with me what do you think she should be by now and Kon this relationship be healthy? Thank you for helping me through this difficult time

This girl does not love you. I don't know why she moved in with you. Maybe she just needed a place to stay. At any rate, it is time for her to go. She does not love you, probably won't. That was wrong and selfish of her, but at least now she is being honest.
Leave her alone.

Mmmm firstly what signs does she display for you to know that she doesn't love you anymore?have you tried asking her why things are the way they are?Communication is the best thing to do.sit her down and talk at length.Express your feelings about everything,let her know what all this is doing to you.dont hide your pain just because you are a man .

Has she told you that she doesn't love you anymore? If so, the only reason I can see for her not wanting to break up, is that it would be too much work, since you two live together. Either that or she's content just being with you, even if she doesn't love you.

The choice really is yours. Are you okay staying with someone that has told you she's no longer in love with you?

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If after a year and 3 months of living and being together she's not in love with me is that a sign for something or is that normal

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It's a sign for plan B, because this isn't working for you. Time for someone, her, or you to go. Whose place is it? The other has to leave.

If she's told you that she's not in love with you, then that surely must be the end?

You couldn't stay with someone who isn't reciprocating your love surely?

You can't make someone fall in love with you I'm afraid.

Leave with your dignity and pride intact.

All threads merged


My girlfriend is peruvian, moved here when she was 18. From my understanding peruvians love to party drink and dance. She goes out with her group of friends to clubs and private parties about 2 times a month. I didn't have a problem with this for the first year of dating. To be honest, I was naïve and thought she was just dancing with her girlfriends and by herself. I asked her after that first year if she goes to dance with other guys. She said "of course i do. Its not like im looking for the hottest guy to dance with but rather the best dancers." Okay. This sucks. But I'm not going to have my love, someone I care deeply about held down into social slavery. If she wants to go out and needs validation from other guys I get it. She has always been honest with me. She has never given me a reason not to trust her.

Okay with that, here's my problem. I have never asked her to take me with her for the first almost year and a half. I told her I want to go out with her one Friday night. She said no. She said 1. You don't know how to dance and it would be awkward for you to be there. And 2. She said she wants to keep our friends separate. I have my friends and she has her friends. I know her best girlfriend but that's it and she has a lot of friends. What! She won't take me out just once? Show me off to her friends? This is my problem.

Am I overreacting and its healthy for her to have a separate life away from me which involves drinking and dancing with other guys? She finds coming home at 5 am after partying is acceptable. I don't think she's lying to where she has been nor do I think she is cheating. Just dancing. Maybe it's a cultural differnce. I see dancing salsa as sensual. She doesn't and from the bottom of her heart doesn't think she is doing anything wrong.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to be the jelious but I don't want her to cross boundaries. Am I crazy? Thanks flr any suggestions/thoughts.
-sry for rambling

I know I need to give my girlfriend space. Space to miss me. We live together and are together a lot. I love it. She is gettng annoyed and frustrated with me. I need to reobtain my social life outside her that I have lost but I just honestly don't want to. Giving her space is the hardest thing for me. Id rather cut off my finger the give space. I don't know. Are there any tips because if I continue to smother she will eventually leave. Thanks

This is eerily similar to another post about a girlfriend who liked to dance with the guys. I told him to get over himself and learn to dance. I tell you though to stop your needy ways and allow her the two nights a month dancing and having fun, and highly suggest you get over it and have some fun planned for yourself.

If you cannot then one of you has to go. Does she work? Whose apartment is it? If you can't back off and give your girlfriend a little space as she asked and stop being a clingy smothering idiot, then this thing is pointless, and it's a matter of time before she leaves any way.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

This is eerily similar to another post about a girlfriend who liked to dance with the guys. I told him to get over himself and learn to dance. I tell you though to stop your needy ways and allow her the two nights a month dancing and having fun, and highly suggest you get over it and have some fun planned for yourself.

If you cannot then one of you has to go. Does she work? Whose apartment is it? If you can't back off and give your girlfriend a little space as she asked and stop being a clingy smothering idiot, then this thing is pointless, and its a matter of time before she leaves any way.

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My question is why won't she invite me out just ONCE with her friends. By telling me I can never go, this behavior is going to make any man insecure. She went out for a year a lot dancing, partying. I not once gave her . I was the "cool" boyfriend she told me her friends would say because I give her the freedom. One time. One time is all I ask. What goes on that she doesn't want me there? Who does she not want me to meet and why? She is my girlfriend she should want to take me with her at least once right. 99.99 of the time I will not say a word. She needs to go out without me. That's healthy. I get it. But why hide me?

All this over 2 days a month? You must be crazy. Your main issue is that she said she didn't love you and never has isn't it? That's really what you should deal with, and hearts and flowers and dinners you cannot afford doesn't work. That's why I ask,

If you cannot then one of you has to go. Does she work? Whose apartment is it?

A female that doesn't love you but doesn't want to break up gets dumped. Now you can tip toe around this all you want to, but being a room mate is not enough. Not for me any way. She can "I don't know" her a$$ right out of there.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

All this over 2 days a month? You must be crazy. Your main issue is that she said she didn't love you and never has isn't it? Thats really what you should deal with, and hearts and flowers and dinners you cannot afford doesn't work. Thats why I ask,

If you cannot then one of you has to go. Does she work? Whose apartment is it?

A female that doesn't love you but doesn't want to break up gets dumped. Now you can tip toe around this all you want to, but being a room mate is not enough. Not for me any way. She can "I don't know" her a$$ right out of there.

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Thanks

Still didn't answer the questions for a clearer picture. Why NOT?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Still didn't answer the questions for a clearer picture. Why NOT?

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What's difficult here is there is a lot that you don't know. A lot that I haven't said because of space, time, Idk. It's a lot more complicated than I have expressed. Its not fair to ask for help and leave out a lot. Thanks for your help though. You make great points. I need to seek further help where I can sit down with someone and its not through texting over the internet. I think this is a great site though.

Your inability to answer simple questions is telling. Especially given how you have made use of this thread to whine. That's three months of whining and painting yourself as a poor victim through multiple postings of the same copy and paste questions.

You squandered the chance to get all those facts out that you have not been forthcoming about and faced with answering questions to get more facts, you balk. You should examine that yourself.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Your inability to answer simple questions is telling. Especially given how you have made use of this thread to whine. Thats three months of whining and painting yourself as a poor victim thru multiple postings of the same copy and paste questions.

You squandered the chance to get all those facts out that you have not been forthcoming about and faced with answering questions to get more facts, you balk. You should examine that yourself.

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I absolutely came here to whine. What better to do so than on this site right? I had some questions, yes. I came here pretty much to vent, I guess. I guess maybe I was looking for sympathy or for someone to cosigned my bs. But I am grateful that you guys haven't. Sure, during these post I was having some sort of self pity but by getting it out and having someone call me out on my s*** is very helpful for me. I snap back to reality. You trying to answer my problems without me giving you all the info is like telling a blind guy to color within the lines. Can't do it. Again whatever this is, this site has helped me. Its both of our apt. We have kids. One mine and one hers. Both have good jobs. She does love me. I believe this. I isn't "in love" because she been in serious relationships where she has allowed herself to be completely vulnerable and thus been cheated on. She's scared to be completely vulnerable again, she tells me. I understand. Wounds take time to heal. I did, however, believe a little while back that she was in love with me. I was hurt to find she wasn't, hence then original post. About the dancing issue, I just wanted thoughts/opinions. No I'm not upset she goes out 2 times a months. Of course not. My question, again, which you haven't answer, is why never invite me?

Because its her time and she wants to keep it that way. I NEVER take my wife on my fishing trips. NEVER will. I NEVER go with her and her friends on there night out, NEVER! (They never invite me either)

Been married 37 years. Yeah and sometimes she hates me, so what? She will get over it. Back off and get over yourself. Got friends? Go enjoy them.

If she doesn't like flowers, save your money for a guys night out.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Because its her time and she wants to keep it that way. I NEVER take my wife on my fishing trips. NEVER will. I NEVER go with her and her friends on there night out, NEVER! (They never invite me either)

Been married 37 years. Yeah and sometimes she hates me, so what? She will get over it. Back off and get over yourself. Got friends? Go enjoy them.

If she doesn't like flowers, save your money for a guys night out.

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Great answer. That's what I needed to here I think

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Because its her time and she wants to keep it that way. I NEVER take my wife on my fishing trips. NEVER will. I NEVER go with her and her friends on there night out, NEVER! (They never invite me either)

Been married 37 years. Yeah and sometimes she hates me, so what? She will get over it. Back off and get over yourself. Got friends? Go enjoy them.

If she doesn't like flowers, save your money for a guys night out.

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I don't want to give up on this relationship. Not just yet. She was, at one point in our relationship, everything I could have dreamed of in a woman and more. I have changed her through many different selfish insecure behaviors. I don't want to be this way. I really don't. I want a wife for 37 years. I want to go on fishing trips off the coast of Maine without her. That sounds nice to me. I am trying to change. I don't really know how, the actual footwork. I know I need to stop being a pu***. I know I need to give her space. I know I need to stop acting needy and insecure. I know I need to grow up and mature. This isn't easy for me. I've become jealous and insecure in this relationship.

I've been in LTR before and never acted this way. Maybe it's because she is so beautiful. Or maybe her cousin telling me that every time she goes out she the most beautiful girl there and every guy is trying to get with her. Maybe it's because of not treating her the way she deserves to be treated that I'm mad at myself, don't get me wrong I do treat her like a princess for 97% of the time. I know its needs to be a hundred and that 3% has pretty much had devastating consequences. Maybe I'm insecure because I am trying so hard to be good but my fears and anxieties are getting the best of me and I feel less like a man. For whatever reason, this girl at one time was really into me and we were happy. It was me who changed. I feel like she is waiting for me to change back to the man I was. I know can be this again but I am struggling bad.

What's the footwork into being more secure with myself? Because telling myself over and over to be the ideal man and to just stop these insecure behaviors is not working... what do I do? I have friends yes. I do go out with them sometimes but it's not enough for me to change. I will not give up on this relationship until I have proved to myself I have nothing left. I am the reason why this relationship went sour I am going to be the one to get it back. I just need help.

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I just need help.

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That's the problem. You need more help than we can offer. You need professional help, therapy, counseling.

That's my suggestion.

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Originally Posted by Alty

That's the problem. You need more help than we can offer. You need professional help, therapy, counseling.

That's my suggestion.

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You are right.

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Originally Posted by lovestoomuch

You are right.

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I usually am. ;) I always tell my husband "I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken".

So, how are you going to go about getting that help? That's the next step, and one only you can take.

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Originally Posted by Alty

I usually am. ;) I always tell my husband "I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken".

So, how are you going to go about getting that help? That's the next step, and one only you can take.

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Well, I already put a call in yesturday to a therapist. Waiting on a response from her. Pray. Meditate on the situation. Idk. Any suggestions? Are you a dog expert too?

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Originally Posted by lovestoomuch

Well, i already put a call in yesturday to a therapist. Waiting on a response from her. Pray. Meditate on the situation. Idk. Any suggestions? Are you a dog expert too?

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Wait, get an appointment. Therapy can be tricky, it may take a while to find a therapist that works for you. A lot has to do with personality, and if yours meshes with the therapist. So, if the first therapist doesn't work, don't get discouraged, shop around.

Yes, I'm a pet expert, I do know a lot about dogs, but my main area of expertise is rabbits.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Because its her time and she wants to keep it that way. I NEVER take my wife on my fishing trips. NEVER will. I NEVER go with her and her friends on there night out, NEVER! (They never invite me either)

Been married 37 years. Yeah and sometimes she hates me, so what? She will get over it. Back off and get over yourself. Got friends? Go enjoy them.

If she doesn't like flowers, save your money for a guys night out.

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Do you have any response to my last long post. I value your words.

Take a chill pill and do the right thing for yourself, whether you keep the girl, or not. This year and a half experiment has driven you to the point you cannot make some simple adjustments because you are paralyzed with fear.

Fear that's making you dysfunctional and unhealthy, and very unattractive. Get yourself under control. Then reason can move you forward in a healthy way. Maybe that's what you need is to pay for someone to tell you that.

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We have been together for 1.5 years and living together for a year.

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That was around Thanksgiving. And you have handled yourself badly,and become addicted to the idea of her, instead of acknowledging that you are reacting to what you are learning about the real person.

Get a life you enjoy without her, and chill. So you can enjoy this while it lasts. There is no commitment for anything else except in your own mind.

Move out and stay away. Your girl friend is trying to make a decision and wants you as a safety net. Once she sees what it will be like without you and your devotion to her, if she really loves you she will come to you.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Take a chill pill and do the right thing for yourself, whether you keep the girl, or not. This year and a half experiment has driven you to the point you cannot make some simple adjustments because you are paralyzed with fear.

Fear thats making you dysfunctional and unhealthy, and very unattractive. Get yourself under control. Then reason can move you forward in a healthy way. Maybe thats what you need is to pay for someone to tell you that.



That was around Thanksgiving. And you have handled yourself badly,and become addicted to the idea of her, instead of acknowledging that you are reacting to what you are learning about the real person.

Get a life you enjoy without her, and chill. So you can enjoy this while it lasts. There is no commitment for anything else except in your own mind.

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We got into a little fight last night. Well, it was me being crazy. Different things trigger my anxiety in this relationship and I have fear attacks. I become crasy with no contol to walk away. I hammer this girl without relent question after question. Its truly insanity. What do you want to do? Do you want us? Are we going to make it? Why am I the only one trying? Why don't you care? Why why why... its complete and utter insane destruction mode. She normally remains quiet during my tantrums. We went into separate rooms. I laid on our bed in silence for what semed to be days but it was about an our of jist deep meditative thoughts. When she returned to the room to get ready for bed, I turned to her not even thinking of what I was going to say. Words came out of my mouth and were from deep in my heart. I said, this is the last night I am going to "annoy" you. If I don't stop I am going to leave. I have never EVER said that I want out or could possibly be leaving. I told her that this isn't me. I am better than this and I don't have the energy anymore. Last night was a huge step for me. I surrender. I threw the white flag and meant every word. She was completely taken a back by what I had said. Normally lately she doesn't react when I talk deeply about our relationship. I hit something in her. When the lights went off for bed she snuggled up to me which she hasn't done in a while. I think she thouht I would never leave and last night I showed otherwise and I am going to stick to it. She's depressed she admits not only from this relationship but from other difficult situations in her life. If I can't stop my craziness I am out. Btw, I love your quotes in you profile. Thanks again for your time and your words. You are a man of wisdom.