Ask Me Help Desk - Thinking of calling EX after 4 yrs. Of no contact

Thinking of calling EX after 4 yrs. Of no contact

Hello Dear Readers,

Well, what I thought was the greatest love story ever told... was not. I have had this driving intuition to contact my ex-boyfriend just to see how he is doing and show him I still care. I have had no contact with him in 4 years. I am the one who broke off the relationship (we only dated a brief period of 6 months) and he was heart broken with desire to continue it. In respect, I had no contact with him but I still prayed that he would be great and move on.

Will my attempt to contact him all this time later put pressure and cause him more inconvenience since I am the one who broke off with him? Or can it create some peace in his heart?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Versace26

Hello Dear Readers,

Well, what I thought was the greatest love story ever told...was not. I have had this driving intuition to contact my ex-boyfriend just to see how he is doing and show him I still care. I have had no contact with him in 4 years. I am the one who broke off the relationship (we only dated a brief period of 6 months) and he was heart broken with desire to continue it. In respect, I had no contact with him but I still prayed that he would be great and move on.

Will my attempt to contact him all this time later put pressure and cause him more inconvenience since I am the one who broke off with him? Or can it create some peace in his heart?

I think what you are looking for is peace in your own heart. Feeling guilty maybe? Or, did you recently suffer the other end of a break up? No matter. This is one that is best let go, unless you have an interest in rekindling the romance.

I don't think it would create peace in his heart, but it could cause him great confusion and perhaps pain. It sounds like you need to examine your true motives here. You are exes for a reason and I think you should just leave well enough alone.

Didi

Quote:

Originally Posted by Versace26

Hello Dear Readers,

Well, what I thought was the greatest love story ever told...was not. I have had this driving intuition to contact my ex-boyfriend just to see how he is doing and show him I still care. I have had no contact with him in 4 years. I am the one who broke off the relationship

You seem to be surprised that this was not the greatest love story ever told initially yet you are the one that ended it. So why would you now want to go back? Did something happen recently that made you realize how much of a sure thing you had back then?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Versace26

(we only dated a brief period of 6 months) and he was heart broken with desire to continue it.

With all due respect there are people who have been married for 70 years. I'd say there love is real, lasting, solid and a better love story then a 6 month fling. Six months is not long enough to base genuine true feelings on someone. Your still learning about one another and your still in the early stages of the "honeymoon period." The excitement of the new relationship blinds you to what's really going on and who somebody really is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Versace26

In respect, I had no contact with him but I still prayed that he would be great and move on.

Will my attempt to contact him all this time later put pressure and cause him more inconvenience since I am the one who broke off with him? Or can it create some peace in his heart?

My guess would be that he found peace along time ago. You broke his heart once, there's no need to do it again.

I think it is the worst idea you contact your ex. You only went out for 6 months. Come on and get over it already. Your lonely and obvously did not move on but that is your own problem. Do not bring somebody else in the mix. I am sure he is happy and moved on and married and kids already. To call your ex now after all these years would be a real stupid move. Not a good idea. vlee is right.

Joe

Perhaps four years is long enough to heal, perhaps it is not. Do what you feel is right. Maybe you could strike up a good friendship, who knows. You have only one life, so take a few risks, could be bad, could be good. It might be that he is married with kids etc. Please look at the potential consequences.

And don't forget: Curiosity killed the cat!

Jiser,

I was almost going to disagree with your post until I read the last sentence, which says it all.

Curiosity killed the cat!

Joe

:)

Why did you break off the relationship to begin with if you thought it was going to be the greatest love story ever told??

I think you are watching too many movies.

I want to be the knight in white shining armor, take my ex off on a horse and ride into the sunset!

Ha ha ha

Gosh all thses crappy movies! How different "real life" works!!
Someone should make a real one with all the stories listed here lol;-)

Coming soon to a cinema near you, a love story to span generations, starring Leonardo Di Caprio as Jack and Vivien Leigh as scarlet, directed by Victor Fleming.

'I need Space'

"Frankly My Dear I don't give a dam"

Deary me! The stories wouldn't make good screen play!

If your curious, and I think you are why candy coat it like some movie? Bring peace to his heart? What makes you think that's what he needs? Honestly please leave the daydreaming in your own mind and spare the guy the bad movie routine.

Hello all who responded to my question...

Yeah, I realize now that it would not be the wisest of choices to contact him. I guess I was feeding on guilt. For the record, I have not ended a relationship and I don't feel lonely... this feeling came completely out of nowhere. Insane I know!

No, I have not been watching too many love movies, in fact, I hate those! I do am passionate and believe in REAL magic and not the fake kind...

No one can ever truly understand a connection that two people shared but I value all your opinions!

Kate Winslet to Dicaprio: "I will let you go now deary...."

<<No one can ever truly understand a connection that two people shared but I value all your opinions!
>>

so why did you break up in the beginning?

Katy knew she had to let Jack go. She went on to a great life, but she never forgot the love of her life. Symbolized at the end as she threw the expensive jewelry into the Atlantic ocean, therefore moving on finally as she died.

Everyone has a unique connection in every interaction, no one is the same. But there are better ones to be had than others, same for relationships. Don't let curiosity get the better of you. Four years is a long time. What are you looking for in contacting him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by rol

<<No one can ever truly understand a connection that two people shared but I value all your opinions!!
>>

so why did you break up in the beginning?

It's a little more complicated than that... I felt it was the right thing for both of us at THAT time. We were in different stages in life and all. I broke up with him but shortly regretted it and poured my heart out that I wanted to get back with him... well, he told me NO. I respected his decision and began the healing process... then he contacts me a month later wanting to get back together. That is when I was too drained from it all and just said no back.

4 years later and after no contact, my call would not mean any bad intention just a sign that someone still has care for an old lover... I am sure he may or may not care to know that but I wish him nothing but the best...

Above it all, I still feel love conquers all...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Versace26

No one can ever truly understand a connection that two people shared but I value all your opinions!!

How many times will people say that until it becomes common knowledge that, YES We all can understand the connection that two people share! Your 6 month fling was nothing out of the ordinary and many of us have all been in love with people for years that we thought was going to last a lifetime. Your connection is very relatable because many of us have felt it.

Its all a big risk. He may be happy to here from you, he may not! Do you know that he has the same contact details anyway? Four years is a long time. I have moved on in the past from people and although I was connected then and I might be now, still it would be nice to here from them, see how their life is going perhaps even strike up a friendship. But they are mainly part of my past for a reason, same probably applies to you. So be wary, very wary.

You only got one life?

I think contacting him would be an okay idea... But don't do it in the hopes of getting him back... Just keep an open mind. Let what happens, happen.

Quote:

No one can ever truly understand a connection that two people shared but I value all your opinions!

This is so self serving as if you are the only one in the world to ever be in love, and lost. Puh... leeeeeeeeze!

Real love does exist but it does not quite compare realistically with how the movies portray it.

For the poster here, 4 years is a long time. Perhaps you have regrets, perhaps you have been hurt and are now feeling how he must have felt but he has likely long moved on by now. I would leave him alone and move on with your life..

Also, 6 months is not long enough to realistically have true feelings for someone because you are still getting to know each other. I'm sure it was special for him at the time but his feelings would have been long gone by now.

Put it all down to experience and if you think you dumped a prince and now regret it, remember not to do that again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LBP

I think contacting him would be an okay idea... But don't do it in the hopes of getting him back... Just keep an open mind. Let what happens, happen.

And be ready to accept he may not welcome you with open arms, realistically, don't you think he may have changed. Romantic notions and dreams are great for the movies, real life is much more unpredictable.

It was a horrible idea. Maybe after a week because oyu regretted it and miss him. Not 4 years - you ended it - WHY?? You haven't told us.

You may find a lot of heart ache and sorrow calling him. He may a terrific life and your break was the best thing that happened to him.

UNLESS you really would consider getting back with him... it would be a selfish move.

Well, regardless of any of the details... I sincerely believe you have doubts as to whether you should or shouldn't. I am going to refer to my favourite saying here... "When in doubt.... DON'T!!!"

If you really believed it was the right thing to do you wouldn't be asking others for their opinions. I say let sleeping dogs lie... time to move on.

Didi

Gramma - why didn't you tell me that like 10 years ago?? Ha!

Right on!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Versace26

No one can ever truly understand a connection that two people shared but I value all your opinions!!

Really??

So I guess you are the only one that understands then...

If you think it will help you contact him, but you will probably be very surprised by what you find.

I say move on...

If it were at least a year you shared together, and not more than a year had passed, I might say different but I question why you feel this way now after leaving him and hurting him the way you did and after 4 YEARS, think of re-entering his life in some way, shape or form.

Its your decision and it may not do any harm other than causing him some confusion as to why someone he went out with for 6 months would be feeling like this after 4 years and yes, he could be married and even have kids.

I wouldn't contact him. It's been 4 years and he's no doubt moved on with his life. It really wouldn't be fair to him for you to barge in now, especially since you were the one who broke up with him. He might be in a serious relationship or even married and you contacting him will likely only build resentment.

Yes,

Just leave him alone and put it down to experience.

I just remembered in my head how long 4 years really is.

See, I don't think life is as short as people say it is, not when we remember what we did in a lifetime, assuming we live the average life expectancy.

Sorry to go off the rails of the thread's subject.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Gramma - why didn't you tell me that liek 10 years ago??? ha!

Right on!!!

I can sense a new face of wisdom in the air!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Gramma - why didn't you tell me that liek 10 years ago??? ha!

Right on!!!

You probably wouldn't have listened 10 years ago. LOL! ;) You know what we are like. We were all know it alls 10 years ago. Just ask those people who are 10 years older than us.:D

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

This is so self serving as if you are the only one in the world to ever be in love, and lost. Puh.......leeeeeeeeze!

I apologize if any of you took offense by my saying that but what I meant was that while we can all relate with each other, the experience we each have is unique in a sense...

Anyhow, I have made up my mind and decided NOT to call him... my intention was in good nature. I got this strong intuition to call him not as an ex-girlfriend but just as an old friend but I realize it's hard to do that as an Ex-girlfriend...

Thank you all again for your thoughts and comments...

I suppose the real question is, why do you feel you have the right to enter his life after breaking his heart? Especially if you have no interest in rekindling your love interest...

Skell - I know - I would not have listened 10 years ago. I understand now though big time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Versace26

Hello Dear Readers,

Well, what I thought was the greatest love story ever told...was not. I have had this driving intuition to contact my ex-boyfriend just to see how he is doing and show him I still care. I have had no contact with him in 4 years. I am the one who broke off the relationship (we only dated a brief period of 6 months) and he was heart broken with desire to continue it. In respect, I had no contact with him but I still prayed that he would be great and move on.

Will my attempt to contact him all this time later put pressure and cause him more inconvenience since I am the one who broke off with him? Or can it create some peace in his heart?

Hello,

I think you should listen to your heart and do what you believe to be right. Ask yourself why you are thinking about him, and what you could result from getting back in contact.
You only live once, and if after 4 years he is on your mind, I'd say the call is definitely worth considering.

At the very least, you could end up re-finding a great friend you once had.

Go with your instinct, and you feel better for it.

Are you honestly looking for something an answer your own guilt eating you? Are you lonely? You need to look inside and see the motivator. Are you selfish or are you something other than that. Most of us are insecure, what a poision it its. We punish people who would never hurt us in the first place just for the sake of feeling better ourselves. So if you honestly care weigh the pain you might cause with what might be gained and be ready to apologize for causing pain. Soon as you hear pain you need to bail and cover that wound with as much caring ( apology as you can muster , "sorry I called") and feeling you can muster cause you are the cause. Willing to do that?

Quote:

Originally Posted by oceandrive

Hello,

I think you should listen to your heart and do what you believe to be right. Ask yourself why you are thinking about him, and what you could result from getting back in contact.
You only live once, and if after 4 years he is on your mind, i'd say the call is definitely worth considering.

At the very least, you could end up re-finding a great friend you once had.

Go with your instinct, and you feel better for it.

I love that spirit and attitude! Thanks for the positive feedback but I won't call him... I think it now boils down to me being a coward that is moving on with life. Maybe I had to re-visit the past to still learn some issues inside me and I think it worked but that does not explain the 2 dreams I had about him in a row that scared me straight. Best of love and happiness to you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zeus2007

Are you honestly looking for something an answer your own guilt eating you? Are you lonely? You need to look inside and see the motivator. Are you selfish or are you something other than that. Most of us are insecure, what a poision it its. We punish people who would never hurt us in the first place just for the sake of feeling better ourselves. So if you honestly care weigh the pain you might cause with what might be gained and be ready to apologize for causing pain. Soon as you hear pain you need to bail and cover tht wound with as much caring ( apology as you can muster , "sorry I called") and feeling you can muster cause u r the cause. Willing to do that?

I agree that insecurity sometimes causes people to hurt the ones they love to protect themselves... maybe that is what I did... who knows! I keep telling myself that it only lasted 6 months and not 10 years but honestly, I have been in longer relationships and not felt what I felt in those 6 months I did with him so I don't always think that time is a barometer in how much you can love someone. It's all a connection thing. I don't regret the break up... it was meant to be and life is perfect as it is right now. I am not willing to risk looking like a fool and calling him. I'd rather send him positive energy from afar... cowardly but better for me and him too.

I would say that if you have a simple way to contact him such as an email account you know he uses and it wouldn't take the work of a private detective to contact him, why not drop a simple line to say hello if you truly want to? I would be more apt to contact him via email than phone (more casual and gives him time to think if he wants to respond or not). However if you have to do a lot of digging to find him and end up looking like a stalker to the point at which he would ask "how on Earth did she find me?", don't. Just let it go. That's probably a sign in itself that this is a bad idea.

It has been 4 years and he probably is past any resentment he felt towards you since the breakup. He might be pleasantly surprised to hear from you and it is possible you could strike up a friendship again. But make sure that if you do contact him, it's because you truly miss him and care, not just because you are lonely or bored or feeling guilty. Don't mess with his head after all this time for selfish reasons. Also if you do contact him, keep it simple and as old friends and very, very casual. I wouldn't mention the breakup or relationship at all after this time.

I believe in taking a chance in life and a simple hello doesn't have to be a life or death big deal. No one can say for sure how it might go, but it will be risky. Contact him only if you are prepared to deal with the possible consequences. He may be single again, but you must also be prepared to hear that he is with someone else now, possibly even married, and that an ex is not always welcome in the picture. You may feel like a fool in this case and will have to leave him alone out of respect for his new relationship. Also, he may not want to hear from you and may not reply, in which case you know you gave it a try and then move on for good. Even if he is single, he has moved on and may only look at you as an acquaintance now with no possible chance of a relationship because you hurt him before. Any number of possibilities can arise. If you are not able to handle any of these scenarios, then don't contact him.

The bottom line is, contact him only if you are prepared to handle any possible outcome, even the ones you don't want to happen. Otherwise, just move on and let it go. Learn from this experience.

It sounds like you simply want to tell him how you feel. And it sounds to me you feel some guilt and affection. Why not just write a brief email, or better yet, an actual letter (which would show sincerity)? In it, say something as simple as: "Hey! Guess you never thought you'd hear from me again, huh? Well, I don't want to intrude in your life but just wanted to say that I've been thinking about you lately. Especially how I could have handled things a little better. Anyway, if you're not still using my picture as a dart board, I'd love to talk sometime. Even an email would be great."

My opinion is that with a short email/letter like that, you've let him know that you don't think the break up was wrong but you could have been a little easier on him. And, you've expressed your desire to talk. If he doesn't want to, he won't. But, the bottom line is, you will have communicated the 2 things you wanted to say.