My cousin and I first met each other at my sister wedding. We never grew up with each other and never met until the day of the wedding when her brother found my dad (my dad and their dad are brothers) after being gone for so long. Now at first I did not have any feelings for her until we exchanged numbers one day to get the kids together to go camping. Well that weekend we were instantly attracted to each other and from then on we texted each other non stop. We started dating, without our families knowing of course.

As we were dating she told me that I need to start being my own man, I am 26 and she is a 30 year old single mother. She told me that I need to not tell my folks where I am going or what I'm doing and that they should trust me in what I do. Well I have done that to the fullest. We have told each other that we love each other and that we are in love with each other.

Now my question is and concern is that I have told her that I am willing to fight for her and this relation ship because it is going to be our lives together no one else's. She goes around and tells me that nothing in life is guaranteed and that if her mom does not approve then I have to be OK with that (her mom supports her financially) and move on.

IS this correct of her to say? Is she really committed to us even though she has told me to my face that she is 100% committed to me and only me because she loves me?

Does your culture allow first cousins to date? To marry? I am not sold on the idea that YOU have to be a man and keep a secret but she is supported by her mom (your aunt?), and needs permission. I think you got in this thing without the knowledge or experience to handle it, and are being manipulated.

Yes I agree, theirs a lot of people in this world she's a little to close to your blood line. An she's also contradicting herself a lot. Real men don't have to keep secrets. Anything you have to hide has to be wrong.

Are you in a country that supports a relationship between first cousins?Sounds like she wants someone to support her financially. Are you willing to lose your family over this? Do you want children of your own?

Some places in thee US allow first counsins to marry but it is not normally accepted in the US culture. Where do you live ?
Also she is not really committed, true love would be together no matter what, she is saying only if mom says OK, well ask mom and get it over with, if she will not without mom, she really has made her choice.

I am willing to bet that nobody in your family will be OK with this. Second cousins? M a y b e... Still a fine line. First? No.

You should move on... Spare yourself the heartache. She may be attractive or attracted to you, but she is blood related. I can see where you are coming from, after all, you never met her before, so it was almost like meeting a complete stranger for the first time. Again though, she is blood.

Have you two made love yet?

She sounds like a very controlling manipulative woman. Why does MOMMY still support her? Why isn't she self supportive at 30 years of age?

First cousins, manipulative, controlling, still supported by mommy, secretive... all of it screams deal breaker.

@talaniman well I live in the US.its not really keeping a secret she was referring to but I shouldn't tell my parents everything such as where I am going and what I'm doing.I still live at home with my parents by the way. @decarlo I thought so to that she was contradicting her self. @teacherjenn4 I live in the US. Does it sound that she wants someone to support her financially she has told me that she loves me for me and that materalistics does not matter to her.Not willing to loose my family over this.im OK with not having children of my own I have come to term with that.but I have also read that it is possible to have children together just got to go to a genetics counsler.

It seems you have your mind made up?

@ Fr_Chuck I live in CA so she is not really fully committed?even thought she says that she is with me.
@Enigma1999 yeah we never met. And my folks have told me that all they want for me is to be happy in life with a girl that will make me happy.and yes to answer your last question we have.
J_9 her mom still supports her because she is a single mother going through gradschool to become a chiropracter just like her mom.so I feel that she feels that she is indebted to her.right?

Yes, if mom stopped paying the bills now, she would not continue in school.

This relationship will not be accepted by almost anyone in the US. It is considered tabboo and against most normal social morals

So expect almost anyone that hears about it, to not agree to it in the US.

Well she is almost done with school in dec. well I think if you go out announcing it to everyone then yes it will not be accepted.

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Originally Posted by dntsay

well she is almost done with school in dec. well i think if you go out announcing it to everyone then yes it will not be accepted.

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The reason I asked if you two had been together, is because it probably would have been easier to walk away if you hadn't.

What are her plans after graduation? Were you two going to get a place together?

Oh OK. After she graduates she wants to spend more time with her daughter and just relax after going to school for 9 years. I agree she should relax. No we are not going to get a place together.

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Originally Posted by dntsay

oh ok. after she graduates she wants to spend more time with her daughter and just relax after going to school for 9 years. i agree she should relax. no we are not going to get a place together.

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If you two did continue to date, what would she tell her daughter? Would she ever tell her the truth about you being her cousin?

Are you certain that you don't want your own children some day? You may think that now, but you never know...

It seems as if she is calling all the shots, and you are eating out of the palm of her hand.

Just play it safe. With any girl for that matter.

She may really have strong feelings for you, but she is also controlling the situation the way she wants it. You either have to go with the flow or move on, is basically what she's saying.

Does that make sense?

Yeah she has told me that as we continue to date and grow together that she would tell her daughter the truth that's what we talked about. You know when we first started dating I was hesitant about that and I was telling her that I at least wanted to try to have one with her.and that we would go to a doctor to check our genetics. Yeah I have put a stop to some things and I have told her that she has to relinquesh some of those roles to me and to let me handle some of those things.she does have really strong feeling for me and has looked into my eyes and has told me "i love you and only you and i am 100percent committed to you no matter what." so is she lying to me when she says that?

Honestly, it's hard to say...

Let me put it to you this way, I once had a man look me in the eyes while making love telling me how "he loves me", then ended up he was a player. How many others has he said that too? See my point?

Now, I am not saying she is a liar, or using you or that her words to you aren't true, but lets face it, she is a single mother, living with her mother in her 30's... meaning, she may be feeling vulnerable. Also she may be searching for a physical as well as mental connection. Here you come along and BOOM, here is a guy who is giving her attention, accepts her along with her baggage, so why not? You are willing to do what it takes to be with her and she sees that. Maybe she wants you when it's convenient for her. She feels subservient as well as obligated to her mother. After all, mother has supported her through all of this. Now she needs to indulge mother, that's why she made that statement to you regarding her mother.

But what if mother doesn't approve? Will her love for you fade so quickly? If she expects you to be your own man, then she should follow her own advice.

After all... isn't that what true love is about? Accepting a person and loves regardless what others may think?

I would like to add that I am not current on matrimonial laws, but it used to be that a marriage between first cousins wouldn't be recognized in certain States.

Well she lives in her own apt with her daughter. Her mother just sends her money whenever she needs it. We get along and are very compatible to each other. That's what struck us as an eye opener. On how much we get along and how we both want the same things in life and in a partner.And I agree with you with that last statement.if she really loves me will her love quickly fade for me just like that. She told me that her own mother has told her to find someone who makes you happy in life and will be there.And I have asked her have I not been there for you and do I not make you happy ?her reply is yes you have and you do. You make me SO happy!

I may also add that she has said that just love itself you can't get through in life.you need other things as well to have a stable life(compassion,appreciation,honesty,trust)for one another.all of the other things will come.

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Originally Posted by J_9

I would like to add that I am not current on matrimonial laws, but it used to be that a marriage between first cousins wouldn't be recognized in certain States.

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Yes that is correct. I believe North Carolina does accept first cousin marriages. He lives in California, where I believe it is considered a class C felony. I could be mistaken though, and if I am, sorry.

Something tells me that he won't care what the stipulations are, he is clearly infatuated with her, so what ever the legalities are... he won't care.

But yes, J, you are correct.

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Originally Posted by dntsay

i may also add that she has said that just love itself you can't get through in life.you need other things aswell to have a stable life(compassion,appreciation,honesty,trust)for one another.all of the other things will come.

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I can understand that.

It seems that you are completely certain that this is what you want. I am a little unsure as to why you posted in the first place. Was it for permission? Do you feel guilty about this? Your heart seems to know what it wants, no?

I am certain that this is what I want.but what iwas trying to find out is if this is something she really wants. When I'm with her we talk about us and us and future but then she brings up that if there is ANY slight chance that it doesn't work out between us(realistically I'm just putting it out there)id still be there for you ill always care about you no matter what. That sentence was from a text she sent me after we had a discussion. What do you think about that.im trying to get some perspective on it.

There are lots of reasons it will not work out.

1. over 1/2 of all marriages in US end in divorce, ( this is just all marriages)

2. in yours, the fact you are cousins will cause a lot of stress and stigma from people who find out. So there will be issues of people talking about you, stares, and more.
So your relatonship is in higher risk.

3. Her mom is controlling ( guessing) and this addes to issues.

So yes, this relationship has many issues to cause it to fail, so the odds are greatly against you. Does not mean it will not work, if both sides want it to and will work at it.
Sounds like she wants it to work, without issues, without problems, that is not going to happen

Only she can answer that. We can speculate. But we may be incorrect.

My thought is that you came here foand have met nothing but resistance from everyone but her.

I remember getting married for the first time back in the 80s. We were tested for not only STDs, but to see if we were blood relations. I realize things have changed since then.

You have your mind made up. I don't know what more we can do for you.

1 that is true.people who do not work through the complications in a marriage divorce will happen that's no lie.

2.the people who find out will be family from there on out we are not going to tell everyone about us they don't need to know.

3 yes her mom is controlling I would say and only because she lets her.even though she told me that she has told her mother that she doesn't NEED her in her life anymore she WANTS her in her life.so that's where I keep going back and forth.

Right there is always issues within a relationship I agree it is up to us to make it work but right now I feel that I have been giving it my all to make it work. And she wants to wait to tell her mom until certain things are done first.

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Originally Posted by dntsay

I am certain that this is what i want.but what iwas trying to find out is if this is something she really wants. when im with her we talk about us and us and future but then she brings up that if there is ANY slight chance that it doesnt work out between us(realistically im just putting it out there)id still be there for you ill always care about you no matter what. that sentence was from a txt she sent me after we had a discussion. what do you think about that.im trying to get some perspective on it.

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It could mean a couple of things. Either it means what it says, or she could be preparing you for the wrost case scenario. Perhaps you could ask her what the text meant.

I am starting to wonder if you are more attatched than she is?

Notice how I am not really taking the cousin factor into consideration anymore. That's because I am now focused on the realationship standpoint. In other words, let's just say hypothetically speaking that you two weren't cousins... you two seem to still have issues. There seems to be a lack of communication and some mixed signals here. Perhaps a little manipulation going on here as well. Not necessarily from you, but from her. Being cousins only adds to it.

Have you ever been in love before, or is she the first?

How long were you two dating before the L word came up? You fell hard and fast from my understanding.

I guess to she some light to try to let her know that why does it feel that I am the only one fighting for this relationship to work and make it happen?why is it when she say says that we have to take baby steps to see where this goes?That if her mom is not accepting of our relationship we both have to be OK with it.in which I am not I want her to fight and plead her case why were are good for each other.I feel like I don't get that.or is it just me?

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Originally Posted by dntsay

1 that is true.people who do not work through the complications in a marriage divorce will happen thats no lie.

2.the people who find out will be family from there on out we are not going to tell everyone about us they dont need to know.

3 yes her mom is controling i would say and only because she lets her.even though she told me that she has told her mother that she doesnt NEED her in her life anymore she WANTS her in her life.so thats where i keep going back and forth.

right there is always issues within a relationship i agree it is up to us to make it work but right now i feel that i have been giving it my all to make it work. and she wants to wait to tell her mom until certain things are done first.

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That's because she is afraid of her mother's rejection. She needs her mother still. She doesn't want to rock the boat.

If you are adamant about being with her, then don't continue to pressure her. This is a lot of stress for her, as it will be for you. To be able to come clean to the rest of the family.

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

It could mean a couple of things. Either it means what it says, or she could be preparing you for the wrost case scenario. Perhaps you could ask her what the text meant.

I am starting to wonder if you are more attatched than she is?

Notice how I am not really taking the cousin factor into consideration anymore. That's because I am now focussed on the realationship standpoint. In other words, let's just say hypothetically speaking that you two weren't cousins...you two seem to still have issues. There seems to be a lack of communication and some mixed signals here. Perhaps a little manipulation going on here as well. Not necessarily from you, but from her. Being cousins only adds to it.

Have you ever been in love before, or is she the first?

How long were you two dating before the L word came up? You fell hard and fast from my understanding.

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She has had a bad past with her ex she has told me where she would work hard go to school work and still come home to make dinner and take care of her daughter and the house.she said to me that she was young and dumb when she made that decision and she has learned from that because they both said to each other that they love each other and that they would together for forever.

Whenever there is a problem of concern we talk about it and work it out.whatever it maybe.

I have been in love .I was with my girlfriend for 7-8 months and after 5 months of dating I told her that I love her and she loved me back it ended because she didn't appreciate the things I did for at all so I felt that she really didn't love me.and just using me and now my current girldfriend she appreaciates what I do for her because she reciprcates back to me. And because her ex didn't appreciate what she would do for him at all and she fell out of love with him.

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Originally Posted by dntsay

i guess to she some light to try to let her know that why does it feel that i am the only one fighting for this relationship to work and make it happen?why is it when she say says that we have to take baby steps to see where this goes?That if her mom is not accepting of our relationship we both have to be ok with it.in which i am not I want her to fight and plead her case why were are good for each other.i feel like i dont get that.or is it just me?

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I think you really need to reassess the situation.

I will make this blanket statement here. Women don't like to be pressured or have a time table. Now, I say that to you about not only your cousin, but women in general.

Look, I am not trying to be judgmental here. I believe you have the right to love who you want. Would I ever engage in a relationship with a family member? No. But to each his own. You two are both grown adults who make your own decisions.

Bottom line is I think you need to take a step back and maybe stop communication with her for a while. Even if it's just to see her reaction.

You will not like this advice. Sorry for that.

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Originally Posted by dntsay

she has had a bad past with her ex she has told me where she would work hard go to school work and still come home to make dinner and take care of her daughter and the house.she said to me that she was young and dumb when she made that decision and she has learned from that because they both said to each other that they love each other and that they would together for forever.

whenever there is a problem of concern we talk about it and and work it out.whatever it maybe.

I have been in love .i was with my girlfriend for 7-8 months and after 5 months of dating i told her that i love her and she loved me back it ended because she didnt appreciate the things i did for at all so i felt that she really didnt love me.and just using me and now my current girldfriend she appreaciates what i do for her because she reciprcates back to me. and because her ex didnt appreciate what she would do for him at all and she fell out of love with him.

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Fair enough.

But do you think the reason why she wants to take it slow is because deep down she feels guilty that you two are related?

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

That's because she is afraid of her mother's rejection. She needs her mother still. She doesn't want to rock the boat.

If you are adamant about being with her, then don't continue to pressure her. This is a lot of stress for her, as it will be for you. To be able to come clean to the rest of the family.

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Yeah I agree with that.and she has told me that she is slowly introducing my name here and there to get her use of hearing my name. I'm not pressuring her at all I feel the complete opposite sometimes.

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

I think you really need to reassess the situation.

I will make this blanket statement here. Women don't like to be pressured or have a time table. Now, I say that to you about not only your cousin, but women in general.

Look, I am not trying to be judgmental here. I believe you have the right to love who you want. Would I ever engage in a relationship with a family member? No. But to each his own. You two are both grown adults who make your own decisions.

Bottom line is I think you need to take a step back and maybe stop communication with her for a while. Even if it's just to see her reaction.

You will not like this advice. Sorry for that.

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I know that much and she has told me that she doesn't like to be pressured or rushed and I agree with that. Yeah I don't know if that would be a wise situation. But I could definite pull back on the txting through the day.

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Fair enough.

But do you think the reason why she wants to take it slow is because deep down she feels guilty that you two are related?

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Well you see I have asked her about her feeling guilty.if she has any guilt about us whatesoever and she replied no she doesn't and she asked me the same and I do not honestly I don't.

This is a lot to think about. This is a touchy subject for some, and this most likely will affect your family. So be prepared for judgment along with family memebers who just absolutely don't approve of this. Also be prepared that she might end the relationship with you because of her mother not agreeing with this.

For now, I would just keep your distance from her.

I know this may sound harsh, but this may just be a faze. You should try dating other women and seeing what else is out there.

I get the fact that you are love her, but she is taking her time with this, and I bet that if you two weren't related, she would have jumped on this opportunity.

You seem like a nice guy who just happened to fall for someone that you had no intentions on doing so.

She knows that, and deep down, I believe you do too.

I seriously doubt if you could pass a blood test for a marriage license no matter the love feelings from you both. And if her mother doesn't agree she WILL drop you like a hot potato and move on. She said so, while you will be hurt, and willing to fight for something that ain't happening.

My advice is protect yourself and weigh the FACTS you already have against the feelings. Lust fades love grows and things do change and I feel that will happen here beyond a doubt. I really feel that she loves the attention and hope and distraction you provide, and you love the having some one to attend and say the words to each other, and that's fine in the beginning, but as others have said, when reality sets in, words mean NOTHING!!

This is clearly a dead end street, since the unknown quantity, HER MOTHER knows nothing and you have no clue how that works. But you do know for a fact the final decision is moms, and to speculate beyond that is naïve, and foolish, until you know what she says.

I mean if after a bad experience, to think MOM will embrace the next grand daughter as being a product of FIRST cousins, is a BIG stretch you better recognize. No matter what plans you two make.

On some level you know this, and are not as blinded by "LOVE" as we think you are since you are asking questions, and we all know the difficulty of removing yourself completely from this situation because the odds of success in the long run are SLIM, and NONE.

Sorry that's just my take on this and forgive my directness in this matter but you are sentencing any offspring you have with her to a life of isolation and segregation from very important family ties.

And that's NOT fair or a sign of LOVE! Follow your head on this NOT your heart.

I think you should take the advice others have given you. I won't repeat what they have said, but here is some food for thought.

I met a lesbian who told me that she has been dating her cousin for about three years and that her cousin will be moving in with her soon and she's having second thoughts. I told her this, "You do know that if you break up with her, she's still family."

My point is, personal relationships are messy enough, why drag family into it. You're still young and I seriously doubt your cousin is the only love of your life. You are capable of loving anyone, you don't have to choose her especially since she only chooses you in certain circumstances. Also, you should use this opportunity to break things off before anyone finds out. You'll get over her and there are plenty of non-relatives to date with which you can break up with no strings attached.

In my family they try to persuade me to marry a cousin.. Hmm anyway all I will say is that you are both adults. I think she wants you to be financially independent as after her mum is aware she feels she won't get much support. Talk to her and see were your relationship stands and do what is necessary. If she is committed 100% then there should be any other terms and conditions. Hiding your relation is not a good thing because if you family find out themselves it would be a problem. Best thing to do is talk to both side of the family and then get married. Surely they would support your happiness...

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Originally Posted by sassymsk

In my family they try to persuade me to marry a cousin.. Hmm anyways all i will say is that you are both adults. I think she wants you to be financially independent as after her mum is aware she feels she wont get much support. Talk to her and see were your relationship stands and do what is necessary. If she is committed 100% then there should be any other terms and conditions. Hiding your relation is not a good thing because if you family find out themselves it would be a problem. Best thing to do is talk to both side of the family and then get married. Surely they would support your happiness...

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Have to ask...

Are you OK with that... to be with your cousin?

What location are you in?

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Have to ask...

Are you ok with that...to be with your cousin?

What location are you in?

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Its not my preference, some in my family are always trying to hook me up with my cousins, one got married a month ago and I was like phew... N den suddently my aunt raised da topic of me getting married to cousins younger brother... Actually I already like someone who thank god has nufin to do with my family but as they don't know that they won't stop trying. I am in south England.