Ask Me Help Desk - Confused?

Confused?

Hi friends, I met this guy and feel like I have started liking him. I love to spend time with him. Want to talk to him for hours. What brought me here is his behavior, his gestures, his words say he likes me.

He never said he loves me but he always try to get closer. And sometimes I feel like he is hiding something. And a strange thing he disappears on weekends and after his office hours.

I asked him why so, but he says its nothing, just he doesn't get time once he is home. I asked him about his feelings for me to which he says we are good friends, or try to flirt and change the topic.

Confused here!!

Hi Confused,

If he does not make the time for you, then he is making the time for other activities, hence would suggest you re-group your thoughts and feelings before getting hurt further.

I talk from experience, hence before reaching a point of 'hard to turn back' make the break now

That's my take on this, looking from the outside

Have you considered that he may be married or at least have someone else?

What's the confusion? Why would he say he loves you, you guys just met?

.....i asked him about his feelings for me...to which he says we are good friends or try to flirt and change the topic......
He has told you what's up. He could be seeing someone else too.

You it could be... what should I do then... break up?

Quote:

Originally Posted by broken_ heart

ya it could be....what should i do then...break up??

Break up? He says you are good friends. Does not sound like there is anything to break up.

You but he treats me like his girl friend and that's why I'm confused.. his actions and words doesn't match..

Do you have a sexual relationship with him?
He could be married, still he has told you where he stands with you. Listen to that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by broken_ heart

ya but he treats me like his girl friend and that's why i m confused..his actions and words doesn't match..

What does treating you like his girl friend mean? He has told you you're not.

What exactly has happened... a day I was very upset.. and he was consoling me... and while doing that we kissed... and after that day it became like a routine... whenever he meets... we kiss... we hug... stay close... but never had sex... although he wants it... but I refused... and he said he will wait... everything goes fine... but whenever I ask the question... he answers like that... sometimes I feel if he actually doesn't love me... we should not be doing what is going on... and when I say it to him... he says he cares for me... he likes me and blah blah... but never says he loves me... which I want to hear... I say it to him many times... I am not getting him... and sometimes he start ignoring me after the question... and again himself come back and behave normally like nothing has happened...

And yes one more thing... he said he wants to see me all virtually... he insisted for long time... and one day I did that for him...

Quote:

Originally Posted by broken_ heart

.he said he wants to see me all virtually...

What does that mean?

Means via webcam

He disappears on weekends and after office hours. Sounds like he may be married or in an official relationship.

You are putting way much more into this relationship than he is. Time to step back and look at the whole picture.

But how I will know if he is married or in other relationship... I hope he is not...

Quote:

Originally Posted by broken_ heart

But how i will know if he is married or in other relationship.....i hope he is not...

Whether he is or not, he is not into you. He wants to get in your pants. You are an option to him.
How old are you (you sound really young) and how old is he?

You find out by asking him.
The clues are all there.
This reminds me of your previous situation...

Don't go there.

Ya Ami.. feels like I found someone like him again... feeling disappointed again...

And I have told him... if he can't make out time for me... we are not together anymore... let see what he will do now...

We do this ''us humans''- we tend to repeat patterns until we've worked on ourselves so that we are able to love ourselves and thus attract a better partner.

Looking in from the outside I'd say this guy is in a relationship with somebody else.

Protect your heart and leave this be.
Hugs.

Quote:

Originally Posted by broken_ heart

And i have told him...if he can't make out time for me....we are not together anymore....let see what he will do now....

It's never good to give ultimatums. You make a decision and stick with it.

Its an holiday today... and he is again disappeared... I called him... but he cut the call and sent message... to stop calling him... he is at home... and will talk later... I didn't message him back... I don't want this kind of behaviour and have decided to break it off... but don't know how I should convey it to him... should I tell him on message or call or should I meet him in person... and what exactly should I tell him... and this is for sure that I am not feeling happy in this relationship... if I am giving my hundred percent... I expect the same in return... please suggest what would be a better way to convey him this...

And yes one more question if in case he says to be just friends... should I accept it or say no to this...

I don't think you should say anything to him, don't contact him all. Leave him alone.
You may not even hear from him again. If you do, tell him you have moved on.

Trying to be friends with an ex is a good way not to move beyond all those old feelings. Disappear for a while.

Ya I am trying to do tal,, but he disturbs a lot... and one thing is clear to me now... he wants only sex... nothing more...

Is he still trying to contact you?

Yes tal... and when I asked him about his behaviour he simply said he doesn't love me and will never do... so I just told him to go away... its over... to which he replied he doesn't care...
And from a friend of his... came to know... that he is married... he hide the fact from me...

That's EXACTLY what I thought.

It's time to break all ties with this liar and cheater. Do not be friends. It never works. Go No Contact and take time to heal yourself.

Started no contact now

Quote:

Originally Posted by broken_ heart

started no contact now

Good for you! Keep it up. I'm sure there will be bumps in the road, but you can do it!

I failed guys, he convinced me of his love, past six months were like wow.. just like a dream... I knew the fact he was married... stilll don't know why and how I just gave in... we didn't have sex... but yes very close physically... near to that... he made me feel complete... very caring... understanding... and all what a woman may wish for... what left was the fact of his marriage... and the disaster came four days back... I received call from his no... guess what it was his wife... she used such an insulting and abusive language for me... I was all shattered... and when I looked up to him... he was like... I am helpless... somehow he convinced his wife... and everything is OK in their life... and he called me to say that he told his wife that I was after him... and he tried to get rid of him but just couldn't and she took him back... he told me that we will never talk now... it feels like a bad dream... I know I am fault tooo... once I came to know he is married... I should have come out of it... and tried too but just couldn't... just wanted to share my foolish act... dont know how to punish myself...

I have lost him forever... :( he was not mine :( :(

Sorry you had to learn the hard way, but no need to punish yourself, since now you have awakened from this bad dream, and are free at last to heal, and get a happy, healthy life.

If you see this experience as recovering from a life threatening disease, then you will be grateful its finally over. HMMMM,after you mourn the death of this relationship... celebrate the healing by doing good things for yourself, and being good to yourself.

He was never yours to ''lose'';he's a married man cheating on his wife-carcrash!

I think you need to take some serious time out from relationships and start strengthening yourself confidence and work on loving you .

Take care of yourself;and start healing.

Hey guys... I didn't contact him... for 2 months... completely no contact... it was hard but I did it... missed him lot... then one day he sent me message... I had no intention to get in this again... but unfortunately I replied... and our conversation started... I missed him during the time... so I was easily convinced talking to him... he came out with a condition that... we will not do any texts or phone calls... just online chat... I thought its fine... even I didn't want any issues again... and thought simply talks will not harm any of us... we started chatting online... started from 10 minutes... to full day... he emailed me his current pics... asks me mine... the communication goes on... and it was I was in the whole thing again... this time more badly... was feeling bad and insulted being with him all the way... but couldn't stop myself going there... now its almost more than 2 months... we are together online... we never met during the time... but do had seen each other fully... n... d... via pictures and web cam... felt so bad afterwards... decided will not do it again... and tried to stick with it... he demanded again... and I made an excuse... couldnt say him directly... that I don't want to do this... my fear that he will stop talking to me... made me do this... after this his behaviour changed... he started ignoring me... then came back... and demanded real sex... for which I said no... then he acted like he is fine with it... and talked normally... again when I did... he get pissed off... used abusive language... and later said he was drunk... and apologized... but he keeps on reminded me again and again that he wants it... I fought with him... for no reason... and he was calm... like it doesn't effect him... no matter what I do... I talk to him or not... I fight with him.. or I just get upset with him... he simply don't react now... he doesn't come to me to ask what is bothering me... now he started saying he is busy... I don't know... if he is actually or not... but yess I feel like... he is avoiding me to get what he wants... he replies to what I say... sometimes ignore too.. but he has stopped initiating any chat... I want to come out of this... but I have lost control on myself... I feel really bad... I told him too... he says its my perception... he can't change anything... he will be with his wife... no matter what... he is happy.. he says... I simply asked why you want to have.. sex with me then... he said he want... dont know... I am in this unhealthy... uncommitted... futureless... insulting... realtionship... want to come out... but its me... how to stick with my decision... I always give in... whenever he calls me... I just forget everything... I want to run away from him... I want a respected complete relationship... not like this... but unable to come out... please guys... help me to get the strength just to come out of this useless relationship... its ruining my life...

You need to start respecting yourself. The man is making a fool of you and you are allowing it. He does not even treat you nice, what do you think is going to change? Nothing. Block him from everything.

You already know what to do. Start over with NC, block him and stick to it. No shame in failure, just keep trying until you get NC right.

Started NC... from half an hour ago... hope succeed this time...

I don't know.. how to say it... my boyfriend and I was not talking... 6 days back.. he came to my work place area and insisted on meeting him... I had no choice... I had to go and meet him... again same things... he can't leave his wife.. n even don't want to... I was talking to him... when he suddenly started kissing me... and we ended up having oral sex... :( I love him.. but I really never wanted our relation to be like this... he was treating me nicely after we finished... and then disappeared for till date... saying he is busy... he doesn't call me or message me... just chat with me whenever its convenient... otherwise give excuses... he doesn't leave me alone too...

He says that I should get married now.. and our relation will be continued as it is... my parents too want me to settle down now... I m now in my early 30's.. my parents don't know about all this and I have no courage to tell them... I m on anti depressants and sleeping pills these days... I m totally helpless... if I leave him and start NC... I just lose control on myself... my work suffers and I keep on crying all the time... and when I'm with him... the stress of I'm in a wrong relationship kills me every moment... im left for no place... I have lost myself... I can't expect anything from him... he is my boyfriend but I can't marry him... can't even say to anyone that we are together... he doesn't care for me... my wishes... nothing... never meets me on any occasion... not even on my birthday... never... whenever he meets... he want physical contact... we never go out anywhere... no festivals... no hang outs... no common friends... nothing... I m in his life but secretly... n :'( I know what to to do but how... I m always weak... when it comes to him...

What are you getting out of this? Sounds like nothing. He will use you until he uses you up and then throw you away. You are nothing to him.
Until you realise that, know that you deserve and can have better, you will continue to allow this jerk to jerk you around. I think you need to get some counseling. Find out why you allow yourself to be treated this way and then how to walk away .

Not to be cruel, but tell him to leave you alone, and then tell some one else what you are going through. Your personal physician is my recommendation. Don't have one get one.

What you must do is stop making excuses for being weak, and find a friend to help you stop him from making you his personal whore that he uses and abuses. That may entail threats and telling your boss not to allow him at your work place, or the police if he harasses you further.

The addiction to this fellow must be broken, and you do need help with it.

I finally caught up to the entire story. It's too bad that you seem to be stuck in a never ending cycle. I know that no contact has been highly recommended, but I wouldn't use no contact as a way of hiding in your room and constantly re-thinking about what could have been. And as soon as your phone rings with a text, you're back in the same cycle again.

I think that for you, especially in your case, if you are going into no contact, you should also be proactive in meeting new people. The best way to move on from someone is to meet new people.

Imagine I introduced you to 1000 new guys today and let's say 50 of them are your type. I'm sure out of that 50, there will be a good 25 who are even better than this guy. If you had 25 new guys to talk to, you would have your hands full and won't have any time to think about this guy.

Anyway, I know it's hard to meet 1000 guys in one day, but if you start meeting one new person a day, it can go a long way in helping you recover from this mess. But the first step is that you have to want to recover from this. Hopefully you can find it in yourself to let him go so that you can give your chance to meet new people.

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again

Seems things have settled a bit... haven't seen him from months... no phone calls... no emails... but yes sometimes his message comes to ask how I'm doing... nothing more... I m also very much healed as far my feelings are concerned... seeing no one till now... busy with new friends... yes his absence is not affecting me anymore... nor his messages bother me... just like I have become neutral towards him... have no desire or wish to meet him... sometimes when I'm alone and think of all... I do get upset... but thankfully I have got good friend circle... their company have helped me a lot to come out of this situation... hope this continues... don't know whether replying his once a while messages is right or wrong... but I just couldn't behave bad or ignore him completely... it hurts me too... but yes things are very much settled...