I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years because he doesn't sleep over one to two nights during the week (I have my own apartment) and he doesn't prioritize me. He said he was going to propose by the end o the year. But that he couldn't stay over because he had to stay home and take care of his mother and grandmother. But that once we got engaged he would move in. I asked him how can you say you'll move in when you can't even sleep one to two nights a week!? He totally contradicts himself. And, I know in my gut that he will always put my third. I have my own beautiful apt and he can't seem to sleepover during the week I have been asking him for two years now. I broke up with him because he said he would work on staying over, work on it? Shouldn't it happen naturally shouldn't he want to stay over? I love him very much bit I just never see him ever leaving his house to form a life w me. Now I don't know if I did the right thing I'm having doubts :( please help

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Originally Posted by Confused4481

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years bc he doesn't sleep over one to two nights during the week (I have my own apartment) and he doesn't prioritize me. He said he was going to propose by the end o the year. But that he couldn't stay over because he had to stay home and take care of his mother and grandmother. But that once we got engaged he would move in. I asked him how can you say youll move in when you can't even sleep one to two nights a week!?? He totally contradicts himself. And, I know in my gut that he will always put my third. I have my own beautiful apt and he can't seem to sleepover during the week I have been asking him for two years now. I broke up with him because he said he would work on staying over, work on it? Shouldnt it happen naturally shouldnt he want to stay over? I love him very much bit I just never see him ever leaving his house to form a life w me. Now I don't know if I did the right thing I'm havin doubts :( please help

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Maybe he doesn't want to move in without being in a committed relationship. Maybe his mother and grandmother think he should get married before he moves in.

Maybe it's some other reason.

The only way to know is to ask. Communication is the key.

I'd be more concerned about coming in third on his list of priorities.

Maybe he doesn't want to move in without being in a committed relationship. Maybe his mother and grandmother think he should get married before he moves in.

Maybe it's some other reason.

The only way to know is to ask. Communication is the key.

I'd be more concerned about coming in third on his list of priorities.



--- we were together for a year and a half and he asked what I thought about moving in. He started bringing his clothes and Then all of a sudden his mom became "sick" - he would tell me that his mother would guilt him into staying home she would say things like "what if grandma were to die while your out"... Then he said he would get a two family house for all of us. I said I didn't like the idea however we could all live close by he said okay. Now he is telling me that he can't sleep over because he must be home to take care of his mom and grandma. It just kills me because he is such a great guy but I just don't see him ever leaving his house. I just don't get it how he can't sleep over one to two days during the week but says that he will one engaged I feel like is just using excuses to gain more time because he feels guilty leaving his house.

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Originally Posted by Confused4481

Maybe he doesn't want to move in without being in a committed relationship. Maybe his mother and grandmother think he should get married before he moves in.

Maybe it's some other reason.

The only way to know is to ask. Communication is the key.

I'd be more concerned about coming in third on his list of priorities.



--- we were together for a year and a half and he asked what I thought about moving in. He started bringing his clothes and Then all of a sudden his mom became "sick" - he would tell me that his mother would guilt him into staying home she would say things like "what if grandma were to die while your out".... Then he said he would get a two family house for all of us. I said I didn't like the idea however we could all live close by he said okay. Now he is telling me that he can't sleep over bc he must be home to take care of his mom and grandma. It just kills me bc he is such a great guy but I just don't see him ever leaving his house. I just don't get it how he can't sleep over one to two days during the week but says that he will one engaged i feel like is just using excuses to gain more time bc he feels guilty leaving his house.

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I see Mom as a VERY large problem. I'd have my concerns, no matter how great a guy he is. I think after a while you'll resent the attention he gives his mother.

A two family house he can live close to his mother and grandmother?

Run, run for your life!

@Confused, it sounds to me that he is just stalling. For whatever reason, I do not know. I find it odd that all of a sudden, his mother would get sick and guilt him to staying home.

If he really loved you and truly wanted the same things you did, he would tell his mother that this is what he wants and will live his life accordingly.

Never say never, but it looks as if he is not going to put first. Sounds to me that he is just stringing you along. How old are the both of you?

Agreed, is it a religious or moral issue?

How ill and elderly is his mother and grandmother ? Who cares for them during the day?

Does he ever leave them alone ?

Have you asked him to tell you, how he can leave them latter but can't now ?

@Confused, If you love him, you must tell him exactly how you feel. Give him the chance to let him tell you exactly how he feels. Three years is a lot to throw away and I would want to make sure I did everything before letting go! Let's be honest, the two of you would not be together for 3 years and talking about marriage if you did not love each other. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he might be nervous or afraid to leave his home, which is no reflection on you. Just try and talk to him and maybe by you opening up, he will do the same.

Best of luck to you. I hope everything works out for the best!

His grandmother is 85 she has Alzheimer's and his mom is an abled bodied 60 year old. The mom takes care of the grandmother and an aide comes during the day. He has told me before that his mom used to guilt him from going out by saying "what if something happened to your grandmother you wouldn't be able to say goodbye" and she tried to guilt me one night into staying at their house and sleeping over she said "you know you are the woman whatever you do He will do" and I said "sorry I have a lot of things to do at home I have to go" and he would struggle at times he would come to my place other times he would stay home. I think sometimes it may be a combo of both he is not ready to take on full responsibility of mom, grandma and me. So he chooses to stay home to avoid anymore resposibility. We love each other very much that I know but I have had enough I have spoken to him three times and all three times they became huge arguments those were the only big arguments we've had in our relationship. He would say that I was pressuring him and that he needed to stay home and help out his mom. I spoke to him this past weekend on hopes to try and compromise and all he could say is nope I'm not I can't I won't because I need to stay home and take care of my mom and grandma but when we get engaged end of the year we will move in I said how does that make sense you can't sleep over one to two nights a week now but in three months you'll move in!? He just said well I can't promise you that I will sleep over now because I must take care of them so I said then you know what this is over I can't do this anymore everyone is priority except me I can't do this anymore and I broke up w him. It hurts me but I can't continue like this feeling like I'm on the backburner all the time

I'm 31 he is 34

We always would take family vacations we Just recently took a vacation just him and I in August for the first time. He would sleep over Saturday nights when his mom would stay at his sisters house.

@Confused, I know how you feel. From how you are describing this, it seems as if you are prioritizing him, but he is not prioritizing you. You are right, it doesn't make sense that in three months he will be moving in after proposing to you, but cannot spend a night or two during the week. That raises a red flag for me.

Let me ask you this. Since his mom guilt's him into staying home, God forbid something should happen, does that mean he should never ever leave his house to meet up with friends or go to dinner with you on the fear that something might happen?

Do you guys live near each other? It sounds as if he is not so close to you that he can run home, God forbid something happens.

Remember the movie Moonstruck with Cher and Nicholas Cage - and the guy whose mother has a heart attack every time he plans to marry Cher?
This is very common. One son who can't leave his mother. My ex had a brother who was like that, although he eventually managed to marry and live nearby. His mother tried to convince him that there was something wrong with each girlfriend, usually that she was a golddigger.
Some men will get away, some won't. I think it's worse when the threat of dropping dead is the manipulation tool. Maybe a lot has to do with when the father died or left, and mom said 'You're the man of the house now.'

I feel that deep down you already know what the answers are, as well as what you should do. What do you feel is the best thing for you?

They live 20 minutes away from me and his sister lives 10 minutes away. I feel 90% I did the right thing the other 10% I doubt myself because he is a wonderful man and I love him very much. But he never even tried and I'm tired of asking for his time because those things should happen naturally. He had a ring but nothing would ever change I just be a miserable backburner in love w hope of change fiancé

Can you see yourself with someone else that will put you first? I only ask because if you do, he may not be the one for you.

Shouldn't a man (a person) put his happiness and the one who makes him happy first? That's how I was brought up and what I think to be right. I told him we would take care of his family and my family together but he never got it. He just said that I was selfish asking him to chose between his family and I. I never asked him to chose. All I asked was for one to two times a week to sleep over and for us to progress into a life together. As of now I can't envision myself w anyone else I'm heart broken and afraid that this will happen again.

Joy- his mom and sister always tell him "your the man of the house" the mortgage is under his name and the mom is always saying how she has no one. He has an older brother and an older sister they wipe their hands clean on any real responsibility because he is there for her. I just find it so evil to act like that and be like that w a son when when she sees how we respect and love each other. I spoke to her about six months ago and told her I don't want to take your son away in fact your gaining a daughter as she got so defensive and said he can do whatever he wants with his life. However when we took our first boyfriend and girlfriend trip together she called us and said "miss you guys we should be there on vacation together as a family" I even felt guilty when she said that so I can't even imagine what she says to him behind closed doors :( its so sad

Yes, a man should put his happiness and the one who makes him happy first. This now begs the question, is he really happy with you and the relationship? Quite the dilemma you are in. I always believed that if you break up, it is permanent. Remember this, although peoples lives change, people themselves do not change. I am a firm believer in this. I think you should confront him one last time to see if the two of you can work through it. If you cannot, then maybe you should consider being alone for awhile. After breakups, you need to put yourself first and not worry about someone elses' happiness when they do not worry about yours!

The dad cheated on the mom ten years ago and ever since then he has been the care taker. She has no friends because he is her friend.

Sounds as if it is a bond that will never be broken or changed

He told me a month ago how we are destined to be. How he can't picture life without me I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him and how he couldn't wait till our anniversary (in december). From what I know and from how he speaks about me to people hen in there and not there. I know he really loves me. But the fact that he was willing to say "no no no I can't promise you that I can't do it I must stay home to take care of my mom and grandmother" really hurt me and made me realize that perhaps he doesn't love me enough to break free- he stood up to her about a year ago and she guilted him saying how she is his mother she's been there for him all his life and no one else ever will be. And, like I said al of a sudden her she started having heart palpitations and thought she may have had cancer. And none were really true because nothing else surfaced after she went to the doctor.

Actions speak louder than words. It sounds as if his mother is trying to put some kind of wedge between the two of you. This will be until the day she dies. He may love you and want those things, but he cannot bring himself to do it. I cannot see it getting easier as time goes on. Eventually his grandmother will pass and in time his mother will get sick. He will feel extremely guilty for not being there the way he is now. He may even hold that against you.

Your absolutely right. He even said about a year ago that he'd love to get a two family house for us and his mom. Thank you do much for your insight. I don't know you guys but I appreciate your words so much! Thank you Randy I just wish things would've been different because if we would've had a normal life together I would've done whatever to help him w his mom and grandmother. But he never ever saw it like that he always said how I was pressuring him to sleep over how I was selfish trying to take him away from his family :( makes me so upset. He should've slept over because he wanted to because he didn't want to be wo me. I should've seen all the red flags before but I was blinded by love and by hope that he would realize that what he felt was true. He would always say how his mom pushed his buttons and how she always made him feel guilty. I thought he would realize open his eyes and change but he didn't he can't he doesn't want to.

At the end of the day, I would try to speak with him one last time only because three years is so hard to throw away.

Well, how did you guys leave off? Explain what happened when you last spoke?

It's only been a week but it feels like eternity. We had been fighting pretty much every other wkend because I resented the fact that I worked on things he wanted me to work on and I asked of him was to put me up there on his priority list and to sleep over and he half assed did the first one and he never slept per except for wkends.

We got into a fight because he was telling me how he spoke to his brother (his brother was/is a jerk to him) and I said good now you should stand up to your sister ( it was wrong of me) he got pissed. So I drove home. He called me and I went off on him "it's always about you and your effing family" and he got even more infuriated w me. I guess it Was a build up because he never wants to talk about things he just pushes then under the rug and I want to talk about them to learn from them so thu won't repeat themselves.

So he comes over so we can talk. And I said all I asked of you was to prioritize me and to sleep over why are those things hard to do? You say you love me so why is it so hard to do? And even my father is wondering what's going on w us. He said "your father should know I've treated you like a princess and I have put a $2000 down payment on a ring and I plan on proposing to you by the end of the year" I said okay that's great but my father doesn't know that- and what would a beautiful ring on my finger that I very much would love from you what would it do? I would just wonder why doesn't my fiancé sleep over? That issue would be reoccurring he said yes I see this as a reoccurring issue and I said because you don't want to do anything about it I'm not asking you to move in I'm asking for you to sleep over I've been asking you to sleep over during the work week for two years now and you haven't even tried -

He said I have a ring and when we're engaged I will move in- I said that makes no sense you can't sleep over one to two nights a week so in 3-6 months your going to move in yet you can't sleep over one to two nights a week? You don't even try! I used to sleep over his house and do things w his family all the time but it got me nowhere and I did then because I enjoyed doing so. He said well I can't promise you that I can't no nope I have to be home to take care of my mon and grandmother but when we're engaged I'll move in.

And I said it again but that doesn't make sense at all. How can you not sleep over one to two nights a week because you have to take care of them yet your telling me your going to move in in a few months! He said well like I said I can't promise you sleeping over I must stay home and take care of my mother and grandmother, your selfish because your asking me to chose between you or my mother and my 85 year old grandmother who has Alzheimer's.

I said I'm not selfish I want to have a life w you and I thought we could live together and together we would help your mom and grandmother and you can go see them everyday after work and return to me so we can have our lives together as again he said I have a ring I'm going to propose I said it was never about a ring it was about forming a life together it was about you spending time w me here in my apt us together- he said well I can't promise you that nope I must stay home and help my mother and grandmother so I said then you know what this is over. There I nothing more to say or do this is over. And he rushed out of my apt.

It was very devastating.

Wow... I am very sorry for you. He still cannot answer what sense it makes to not sleep over now, but move in in 3-6 months. His mother and grandmother will still be there. I'll bet that if you guys get engaged, he will have another story as to why he cannot move in yet, but promise to go house shopping with you for when you are married. I will even put money on his mother feeding him negative thoughts about you and the relationship, as well as what his future with you would look like.

I would wait for him to make the first contact. It is inevitable that he will... things do not just end like that.

Yeah I can def. see him coming up w a different story once we would've been engaged or him wanting to leave my apt and live with them. I can def see that. It's just tragic it hurts my heart. To know that we could've had a beautiful life together full of love.

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Originally Posted by Randy2138

At the end of the day, I would try to speak with him one last time only because three years is so hard to throw away.

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With all due respect, Randy, this is not a dating site. I'd suggest that you try match.com.

Did you read how AMHD operates when you signed up?

Want to bet Randy is a registered offender someplace, I'm getting creepy vibes here...

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Want to bet Randy is a registered offender someplace, I'm getting creepy vibes here....

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Your creepy vibes don't count - I got spidey senses tingling a very long time ago.

Yes, Randy is definitely lonely. Apparently he seeks out women with problems so that he looks good. From experience - without personal problems no woman would turn around.

So - Smoothy - why don't we continue this by email? What color underwear are you wearing?

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Originally Posted by Randy2138

Oh, I sent an email to your aol.

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Seriously! Are you trying to "hook up" on this site?

I guess I've been doing it wrong this whole time!

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Seriously!? Are you trying to "hook up" on this site?

I guess I've been doing it wrong this whole time!

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Now you know that's not true. I've asked you to hook up multiple times. ;)

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Originally Posted by Alty

Now you know that's not true. I've asked you to hook up multiple times. ;)

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That's right, baby! ;)

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

That's right, baby! ;)

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LOL! That's what I love about you. You're warped like me. :)

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Your creepy vibes don't count - I got spidey senses tingling a very long time ago.

Yes, Randy is definitely lonely. Apparently he seeks out women with problems so that he looks good. From experience - without personal problems no woman would turn around.

So - Smoothy - why don't we continue this by email? What color underwear are you wearing?

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Wouldn't you like to know... they aren't white as a hint.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Wouldn't you like to know.....they aren't white as a hint.

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We really need or WT back. Just saying. :)

Oh wow really I'm such an then I didn't think anything of it :( wow I have to stop being stupid w red flags all over the place

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Originally Posted by Confused4481

Oh wow really I'm such an then I didn't think anything of it :( wow I have to stop being stupid w red flags all over the place

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You're not stupid. Not at all.

Here are the facts. No one on the internet knows your boyfriend like you do. You wrote this thread because you have doubts. Other people wrote about those doubts because they've had similar experiences, or they think they know about this situation. Fact is, their experiences or opinions amount to nothing, because they don't know you, or your boyfriend.

If you want a relationship you have to talk to the person you want a relationship with. Talk to the person that this concerns. Don't talk to people that don't know you or him. If you can't talk to him about this, and reach an agreement, then no, you don't belong together, because your relationship will fail without communication.

This is on him, and on you. Don't end it because of a few posts by people that don't know you, and based their advice on a few sentences you wrote. You've been in this relationship for 2 years. You know more than we could ever know about all this. So, how are you feeling? Did you write this post because deep down you know it's not salvageable? Did you write this post because you wanted some to tell you it's okay to leave him? What's your reasoning, and why aren't you talking to the one person that can help you, the guy you say you love?

I spoke to him, I cried, I pleaded, yet he told me that he would not and could not sleep over because He needed to stay home to take are of his mom and grandmother. I have been askig him for two years to prioritize me and to sleep over yet he would tell me I was pressuring him and that I was selfish for asking these things of him and that he couldn't because he needed to be home with his mom and grandma. I reached the end of my rope and I broke up w him because I just couldn't take it anymore. Every two- three months we would fight because I wanted more from him (to sleep over) because he would be home sleeping alone and I would be home sleeping alone when I knew he should be in bed w me... It hurt my feelings. He said he has a ring and he would propose but all I saw was me happy short term w a ring on my finger and then this same argument would surface and he would do nothing about it. I just had enough of the same bull argument. He should be here w me because he wants to not because I have to demand to do so :(

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Originally Posted by Confused4481

I spoke to him, I cried, I pleaded, yet he told me that he would not and could not sleep over because He needed to stay home to take are of his mom and grandmother. I have been askig him for two years to prioritize me and to sleep over yet he would tell me I was pressuring him and that I was selfish for asking these things of him and that he couldn't because he needed to be home with his mom and grandma. I reached the end of my rope and I broke up w him because I just couldn't take it anymore. Every two- three months we would fight because I wanted more from him (to sleep over) because he would be home sleeping alone and I would be home sleeping alone when I knew he should be in bed w me... It hurt my feelings. He said he has a ring and he would propose but all I saw was me happy short term w a ring on my finger and then this same argument would surface and he would do nothing about it. I just had enough of the same bull argument. He should be here w me because he wants to not because I have to demand to do so :(

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Is his mom sick? Is his grandma?

Why is it so important for him to sleep with you when he doesn't live with you?

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He should be here w me because he wants to not because I have to demand to do so

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But that's just it. You've been demanding this for 2 years. You never gave him the option to want to do it. It sounds like you've always demanded it. He just doesn't take commands easy. I can understand that. I'm the same way. Command me to do something, and it's unlikely that I will.