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I have been with this girl for 8 years and I love her very much. She says she loves me everyday but when I upset her over some small issue she breaks up with me. I usually go No Contact for about 2 weeks after which she calls me and wants us to get back. She is 39 years old. She broke up with me because we went out and I drunk too much. Should I let her be for good this time?
Really, has it been the 10th time? That's a nicely rounded off number. Why don't you keep it like that? I would call it quits if I were you, sounds like this isn't going anywhere.
I'm sort of wondering why it's important that we know how old she is but not how old you are.
She may not sound like a very mature 39 if she breaks up with you at the drop of a hat, but neither do you, if you admit that you drank too much when out with her recently (and we can only guess what that resulted in). So... maybe you should hang onto her, because she might be the best your are going to get.
I am 44 years old.I only drink occasionally when we go out together.but what I don't understand is , is this really a reason to break up with someone you love and had been together with for a long time? It seems that we break up every other month and it's usually her that initiates the breakup and she's the one that gets back when I start no contact.
We can only go by what you tell us. We don't know you, we don't know her, we don't know if she is totally unreasonable and flies off the handle, or if you are clueless and annoying. There is no answer to a generic question 'Should I let her go this time?' You tell us - should you? What is your first instinctive gut feeling?
For all we know she is upset that she is 39 and isn't married after 8 long years of not even living together (you aren't, are you?). That's just a shot in the dark. I just don't get the impression that you are a communicator in relationships, partly because you are here asking a question only you can answer, and partly because of little things like stating her age and not yours.
Joypuv, I am 44 years old. Reason she snaps us cause of her very bad temper and she will break up after she snaps. It could be something very simple. However we love each other very much.but I think this is it. I can't handle it anymore. What would you do?
I would do whatever you do. This isn't a case of violence or drugs or cheating or gambling all her money and yours too. It's a case of a woman who breaks up with you often and then wants you back. There is no RIGHT ANSWER!
Plus you didn't answer my question about your gut feeling. AND you didn't address my comment about her AGE as it relates to whether she is hinting at you asking her to marry you after 8 long years - or maybe you aren't even noticing the hints! Does she want children? She doesn't have much time left before birth defects start rising in probability. Do I have to spell it out that maybe she breaks up with you over all that?
Yes, I know I am turning the tables on you by not answering your question and asking you questions instead.
Joypluv: Reason I mentioned her age was to let you know that I expected her to be more mature than this. She has five children, kicked her husband out when we started dating. So she was cheating on her husband. I have 3 kids. Two in college by themselves and one living with her mother in NY. She has asked me for marriage but the whole temper thing scares me. Maybe that gives you a better picture of the situation.
She's broken up with you 10 times in 8 years. That's once a year, sometimes twice.
How's that going for you? Do you enjoy it? Do you think that will ever change? It won't. So, can you accept that once a year, sometimes more, she'll break up with you because you won't let her control you, she'll go off and sulk, then come back and repeat the cycle?
Doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me. But it's your choice. You've made that choice for 8 years, and 10 break ups. Are you ready for more, or do you want something and someone more secure?
Alty: thanks a lot for your response. I really see the light now. I agree with you it's all about control. But I refuse to be controlled. I am a good man and very caring. Every time we break up its hurting. I go No Contact and within two weeks she's back really nice to me. I think I am done this time. Am sure there is a more caring woman out there that will understand me. Thanks for your response
Disappear from her life. Doesn't matter who is at fault, or why 10 times in 8 years is a lot, and doesn't seem to get better, problems resolved, anything ever changing.
You need NC for a lot longer than two weeks.
Some one breaks up with you that many times can't be happy with the relationship. That is a revolving door.
Stay away from her.
Talaniman and Homegirl: thank you so much for your responses. This is my first time on this website and you guys have been very helpful. I really appreciate that. I am going no contact and it will be for a long time. I already erased her phone number and closed my Facebook account. Just to let you know too I was very much involved in her kids lives and they all loved me. Actually called me daddy. Am going to miss that part. I loved her kids.
You can't stay for the kids, hard as that may be. Relationships based on kids never work. Only the kids end up suffering.
You're doing what's right for you. You don't deserve a relationship where you're constantly stepping on eggshells waiting for her to snap again and leave. I have arch enemies that treat me better than that.
Alti: I totally agree with you. It's like stepping on eggshells.I constantly Watch what I have to say or do. I just took her on vacation to Cabo San Lucas for 4 days. That's when I got drunk cause I was having lots of fun. She was with me. This was day 2. She got so mad she wouldn't talk to me the rest of the trip.Then she broke up with me. I spent 3500$ for the trip.
If you had mentioned previous marriages and kids and so on at the beginning, my responses would have been different.
I do think that after 8 years you should be honest with her about your reasons you aren't taking her back and why you have been hesitant to marry her.
My spidey sense tingles when an occasional drinker gets dumped and they say they have been dumped in the past over small things without explanation. I suspect you have minimized the impact and severity of these events, but its been time to go for a long time whatever the reasons for this breakup.
It's been a week now without talking to my ex and I have started feeling better. I have two problems though, her 5 year old and 18 year old daughters are constantly calling or texting me to say him and see how I am doing. I was very close to them. What should I do? Should I continue talking to them or shut them off completely? Another thing, I let her use my car because she has no way to get to work. Should I take the car at this time?
You have been with her for 8 years. Is the 5 year old your's?
No. None of the kids are mine. Although they are close to me and call me everyday
You don't see how we might wonder how it is she has a 5 year old during your 8 year relationship?
I had (at the very beginning of this thread) a sense tingling of my own, a sense of a certain cluelessness and avoidance, and now this.
I don't want to be mean but I'm wondering if you are a meal ticket. You just casually let her 'have your car' - how many cars do you have (again that sense tingling - how do you get around)? How many expensive trips were you taking her on and spending, day to day?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ikidiabai
Your idea/version of "occasionally" is obviously not her idea of "occasonally."
Yes, I would break up with someone who has a problem with alcohol and, in fact, I have in the past.
I have two cars so I let her have one. When I get drunk I am usually with her and she is drinking too. Me and her started going out while she was married. That's how she has a five year old
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ikidiabai
I see "disaster" right from the beginning.
This relationship is to rocky for a child to experience.
What are the benefits to you? It sounds like she takes, you give, she calls the shots.
The whole thing is funky. You mess with a married woman, one who gets pregnant by her husband and you are close to her kids. Why have you hung around for so long in such dysfunction?
If you care about these kids, you stop drinking and try to salvage a relationship with this woman or you leave her and her children to themselves.
She has been foolish but you have played this game too. You both are messed up.
Now my question is, do I take my car right away or not? I feel that if she keeps using my car, it's the same as her knowing that I am there waiting for her to come back. She has 4 kids to feed with no car of her own. And could someone answer me, should I stop taking calls from her kids or not?
How can we possibly answer this without the knowledge only you have? If the father of her children gives her enough child support, let her buy the car from you. If she struggles financially and you don't, sign the title over to her, take your plates back, and make her get her own insurance. You don't want her (or a teen of hers) getting into an accident or getting a ticket.
As for calls from 2 kids, I would tell the 5 year old that you will cut him or her down to one call a week each for the next 4 weeks, and then it's over, based on the fact that you have to sever all ties. The 18 year old can understand the need now. I'm not so sure that this isn't all a set up by their mom to keep you around for the car...
I still have a feeling that you are just a meal ticket...
And how does she suddenly have 4 kids? How old are the other 2? Older than 8 but under 18?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ikidiabai
I agree - how can we possibly answer this. If you want an emotional tie to her continue allowing her to use your car, take calls from her children.
If you don't, walk away.
I'm assuming you're an adult - act like one.
Thanks people. She had all the kids with her ex husband whom she kicked out . Ages range from 5 to 18.I will absolutely take the car in two weeks that way I give her a chance to get something else.I am starting graduate school this week and I will need a fresh mind. I do miss her based on the fact that we were together for so long but am sure I will recover. I will not break 'No Contact' for any reason whatsoever. I know eventually I will be fine.
If you refused to marry her because of her temper, you should have let her go and stay gone. Yet you stayed in this for 8 years. You were obviously getting something from this too.
Let her have the car. If you can be mature enough to talk to the kids without getting involved with her again, with her permission do so. If not, leave them all alone.
Adults can make such a mess of things!
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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
Once in a while we have to disagree - it keeps life interesting.
I think the car is a means OP uses to control the girlfriend. He takes the car back. He talks to the children only if it's neutral territory - and I doubt that can happen.
Would I think he buys her a car in her own name and then it's hers to deal with? Yes.
But this car - I think he's using it to control her.
Thank you Homegirl. I will let her have the car. That's the car that gets her to work and she's able to provide for the kids.I stayed that long because the romance part of it was excellent. We both enjoyed it. And this is the reason I miss her so much. This time around I won't take her back though. As for the kids, I know for sure I can talk with the 17 year old without involving the mother but the 5 year old gets do excited and will be involving the mother. By the way, the 18 year old had left the house 3 times because of the morher's temper and I had to talk to her for her to go back home
I don't disagree with you at all on this.Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
Transfer the car and put it in her name. This way it is hers. That is what you ought to do.
I am not using the car to control her. I have asked her many times to get her own car so I could have my car back. I even took her to the dealership and they approved her for a car but she didn't take it. I have never controlled get and it's not my wish to. The only reason letting her have the car was to help her so she can take care of her kids. I have helped her in many things including financial, helping her secure loans and so forth
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ikidiabai
Fine, then that's the best answer - sign it over to her.
You should have signed the darn thing over a long time ago.
I'm not going to be as nice.
Sign over the car and stop making excuses to hang on to her!
Do you realize that even though you said you were ready to accept that this relationship is over and a bad idea, you keep making excuses to hold on to it? The car. The kids. What else?
Sign the car over to her, forget about the kids because they're not yours and you only want contact with them because of her, and then move on. If you can't do that then forget that you realized this relationship is doomed and go back for more abuse. You can't have it both ways. Either leave completely, or stay and accept it. Choose one, there is no third option!
Today I cut contact with the kids and I signed the title and mailed it to get. This should be the end. I don't expect any further communication from her. You guys have been very helpful especially in helping me comd up with a smart decision. When people break up, there are all kinds of emotions going on that can lead to wrong decisions. That's why we need sites like this.
Breaking up is never easy, if it where they wouldn't call it heartache. You made the right choice, and I hope you continue to make the right choices so that you can move on with your life, and let her move on with hers.
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