I am very upset and not quite sure how to handle this situation so I would like any input you all can give. Please don't be ugly.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now but recently moved in together. Awhile ago he voluntarily told me he has no need for porn anymore because I satisfy his needs and he is more attracted to me that he has ever been to any girl in his life. Thing is I never expressed to him I didn't want him watching porn or even cared if he did he just decided to say those things to me. Of course I was flattered that was until a few weeks ago he told me to look up something on his phone.

When I went to the internet a porn page was up of course it hurt me that he lied but to spare an argument I ignored it. Then again last night I went to get on our computer and the history was porn site at 8 something in the morning. He apparently waits till I leave and watches porn. We have a great amazing sex life and have sex almost everyday if not multiple times a day.

The first time I saw it on his phone I waited a few days and said something joking about him watching porn and again he responded I told you I don't watch porn anymore I don't have any need to you satisfy me you are all I want. I am not hurt he is watching it but hurt that he is lying to me for no reason. If he is lying about this is there more? He is not the easiest person to talk to when it comes to conflict so I am not sure do I say something? Do I ignore he is lying? Please help... how do I handle this?

Why do you have to "handle it"? If your sex life with him is great, why is his looking at porn a threat?

The fact that he is watching it is not my issue. My issue is that he has lied to me on multiple occasions for no reason. I never told he I didn't agree with him watching porn or that I even cared. I can't have him lying to me... It bothers me a little that if I please him why would he need to look at porn 3 or 4 times a week but I would have never expressed that cause it's a man being a man but lying to me for no reason has made me feel like maybe I can't trust the things he says.

He probably is afraid you'll give him heck if you know about the porn -- but then, maybe leaving the history open and undeleted is his way of letting you know he's looking at it.

If I were you, I would just carry on and make it a point not to set him up to lie. Of course, if the porn itself is an issue...

Maybe but I honestly don't think it was on purpose on his phone I think he just forgot and the computer was because I was trying to look at my history to find something so I don't think he was clued in on it. But why lie in the first place?? Why would I be upset about it?? I have been to strip bars etc. Maybe he was just trying to make me feel good but either way he knows my pet peave is lying and he bold face lies to me for NO REASON! I am a firm beliver in the fact that those who have nothing to hide don't lie! I makes me very angry and he can read me like a book so no matter how much I try to let it go every time he lies or I see it it upsets me. I feel like I need to address it but if I do he will only try hiding it better or get angry with me. Like I said he doesn't do conflict well.

So don't do conflict. Figure he's looking at porn and don't confront him about it or even get yourself worked up over it.

If sex is good and he watches porn every now and then what is the problem. There is nothing wrong with him actually watching the porn to masturbate, that is completely normal male behavior. It is wrong to watch it, when he masturbates and the porn replaces you, but by the looks of it, the situation is nothing like that. I personally like to have sex multiple times a day when I am living with someone, and sometimes even when I am not, but still watch porn. Two completely separate things.

I don't want to have a conflict but I am not the type who can just let it go when he lied to me. My trust in him is starting to be questioned and I pride myself in an open honest relationship. I don't want to confront him in a arguementive manner but I would like to talk about the lying. I guess I am looking for advice on how to approach it.

I think you are missing my point. Porn isn't the issue the lying to me is my issue. Why lie if you don't have to. Being deceptive about things you don't have to means there are other issues in a relationship.

I'm wondering why you have to confront him. You are not his mother. Life is good with him, and unless he lies about all sorts of other things, why get yourself all tied up over this? Just don't set him up to lie.

I am aware that I am not his mother but I also think I have the right to be told the truth. And he lied without me setting him up. That is my point exactly... if he lies about this there may be bigger issues I don't know about. I don't snoop so I wouldn't know.

What you have to understand is that some guys keep porn to themselves and feel a kind of shame in it. He can be perfectly happy with your sex life. You could be the best partner in the world... but what about when you're not there? What's a guy to do?

It sounds to me like he's a guy that just keeps that part to himself and you put him in a situation to lie when you made a joke knowing well what was already going on. Sometimes a lie is not really a lie. It's something personal that isn't meant for other peoe to know.

Let it go. Porn is porn. He happy with you right? He's sexually active with you right? As long as this isn't affecting either of these, I think you're over-reacting.

P.S. just a thought. Maybe you should watch some with him.

I want to explain in further detail a few thing I mentioned above.

"Sometimes a lie isn't really a lie."

You're a girl that masturbates, which is perfectly normal. I come up to you and ask you "hey, do you masturbate?" most will say no because it's personal. Did you lie to me?

"maybe you should watch it with him".

Being open to porn with him can have 2 benefits.
A) spice up your sex life even more.
B) allows him to be more open with porn as you are.

Just a little bit to chew on for you :)

Just tell the guy and show him what you found, maybe he is scared that you will be mad at him. But, the fact he is lying to you is not good! You need to confront about it.

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Originally Posted by blndsundoll98

Just tell the guy and show him what you found, maybe he is scared that you will be mad at him. But, the fact he is lying to you is not good! You need to confront about it.

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I personally disagree. As stated in my two posts, some say he lied and others would say its personal.

A part of me thinks the OP is more mad at the porn than the lie. Some women feel porn is a mans way to fantasize about aspects the gf/wife can't fulfill or won't fulfill and feel betrayed or inferior to that of the Internet goddesses. This in itself is an insecurity, lack of communication and a whole different can of worms in a relationship.

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Originally Posted by ITstudent2006

I personally disagree. As stated in my two posts, some say he lied and others would say its personal.

A part of me thinks the OP is more mad at the porn than the lie. Some women feel porn is a mans way to fantasize about aspects the gf/wife can't fulfill or won't fulfill and feel betrayed or inferior to that of the Internet goddesses. This in itself is an insecurity, lack of communication and a whole different can of worms in a relationship.

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Yes, but, in any relationship they should be 100% truthful. It is personal and he does not need to tell her, but, if she asks him he should tell her the truth instead of lie about it.

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Originally Posted by blndsundoll98

yes, but, in any relationship they should be 100% truthful. It is personal and he does not need to tell her, but, if she asks him he should tell her the truth instead of lie about it.

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Again. I believe this comes down to individuality.

Thank you both for your advice. You both made some really good points. Although, if he is trying to keep it personal and I should let it go then how would I ever bring it up or try watching it with him. And I can tell you that it may make me a little uncomfortable that he watches it but I would have never said anything about it had he not told me what he did and then when I knew he lied I guess I wanted to see if he would do it again. The root of my problem is the lying. In a relationship you shouldn't hide things and you should be able express how you feel about anything right? I am just so confused on why he would just come out and say I don't watch porn or need to because you give me everything I need, when I was not even talking about the subject. Can you explain why he would lie about something he never needed to bring up in the first place?

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Originally Posted by beckylynn21

I am just so confused on why he would just come out and say I don't watch porn or need to because you give me everything I need, when I was not even talking abt the subject. Can you explain why he would lie about something he never needed to bring up in the first place?

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Maybe it was his "guilty" conscience talking. Like the little boy who tells his mom, "I didn't take any cookies off the table where they are cooling."

You don't have to confront him, or make this a bigger deal than what it is as forget the porn for a minute and look at why people lie. Guilt, shame, or fear of consequenses or being judged, are but a few excuses people use. If his lying is nefarious, or selfish, then you would have a problem.

So I think you decide which of these would be his excuse and deal with the root cause of it, and not the behavior.

This will help you decide your best course of action because my feeling is he wants to talk, but doesn't know how, so forget confrontation. I think you simply tell him what you know, and see what he says and how he reacts. Trust me some sort of fear is behind his lie, and if its to spare your feelings then that should be considered.

Bet he had a past girl friend who was very insecure,or maybe he is himself,so an approach that is both firm direct, but non threatening would be my advice. But be careful as even though lying is your personal peeve, NOT the porn, maybe you talk and ask questions and find out if he is protecting YOU, or himself, or both.

The simple answer is to talk and get these things in the open to deal with them through honest communications, as this is but the first obstacle you as a young couple will have to face. So don't get carried away by the lying about porn until you have talked and know why.

LOL,that could take a while and involve MANY honest talks, so don't be in a hurry, or be impatient. It's a process, not a quick fix. The process of picking your battle, approach and the timing is a challenge.

Thank you for your response. I think that's the best advice I have heard so far. How would you suggest bringing it up and what would you consider good timing?

I would accept it as a personal thing and the next time HE mentioned it, I would tell him what YOU know, or leave his computer on a porn site from his history, let him find it, and see what he does about it.

No way do YOU get carried away and let this make you see LIES every where. Give his embarrassment, insecurity, guilt, or lack of communication skills the benefit of a doubt. Matter of fact you can start with your need for honest communications which you have already hinted at.

Keep your mind open, and pay attention, to be able to learn about your partner ,who may NOT verbalize his feelings, but communicates in other ways.

I understand that what you're upset about is the lying, especially when it is unprovoked and unnecessary. I'm wondering about the conditions under which he lied the first time. It seems very odd that out of the blue one day he would say "I don't watch porn anymore." Had you recently had a conversation about porn use or would there be any reason you can think of that he would bring it up? Maybe a friend of his was having relationship troubles because of porn or maybe you said something in a conversation with someone else regarding porn that he heard? There must be some reason he said it to begin with.

Wow, I'm glad talaniman and Backpack are at least heeding what you're saying; those first two pages were so frustrating with people defending porn and blaming you for setting up the lie!

If I were you, I'd bring it up casually, be as non confrontational as possible. I say this because I've confronted boyfriends about things before and when they can't deal with being accused, they make a big song and dance out of the situation, they turn it in to an argument, turn the focus on you, make up some extra nonsense, etc, instead of just being straight about it. I'm not saying all men or people are like this, but your boyfriend chose to lie about something so small in the first place, so he might try and lie his way out of it if he's uncomfortable.

It might not even be some big deal to him; you see people have very conflicting ideas about porn. Personally, I'm female and I watch porn when I need to. I'm in the early stages of a relationship with a friend who knew this about me before we got together. I have never asked him however if he watches porn. I don't think it'd be a big issue if he did, because it's about seeing body parts going in to other body parts and thinking about you doing it, rather than the actual people in the videos, who are so ugly they put me off a lot of the time. Unless he's sitting around watching them eating popcorn, engrossed by the profound story lines, then he's probably just doing it to reach an end, if you know what I mean.

Thing is, I know women who are EXTREMELY against porn. A friend of mine cried when she found porn DVDs in her boyfriend's things and swapped all of the disks with really bad 90s dance music. It made me laugh, but considering what an absolute skank this girl was before she met him, I was surprised. My mum who is in her 50s, understandably as a woman from a different generation, found it upsetting when her ex left porn on his computer. I myself, in my innocent fresh faced days thought porn was cheating.

So back to your boyfriend. Maybe he is under the impression that porn is a no-go area with girlfriends, not realising that some normal women are fine with it. It's not nice, and probably feels dirty and creepy that he could lie so easily when saying something so personal.
Maybe there is some truth in what he said though, in the way I have just told you that when I watch porn, I am not really looking at the people, I'm looking at sex.

Have you ever lied to him? I've definitely told some little porkers and not felt bad about it at all. I think we all do whether it's tiny things like that to avoid possibly hurting someone, or to the big ones crazy people tell.

So yeah, I think you should definitely bring it up. How could you just let it go? It'll bug you and you won't trust him. This is just something that needs to be talked out SENSITIVELY, and it may bring you closer together once he sees you can deal with it. This is all I know about the guy so I can't say you shouldn't trust him in general. Just deal with this and go from there.

Thank you for your responses. I did talk to him about I could not hold it in anymore because he was able to sense something was bothering me. I told him about the computer and phone and how I Don't CARE about the porn and we had an amazing conversation and honestly I think it brought us closer together. He explained that he did not mean to lie he is more than sexually satified with me and that sometimes I am not there. He also explained basically what you said that porn is just that an action and when he watches it he is thinking of me. But he does not watch it frequently anymore because he has no need. I explained to him that I just want to know that he is honest with me about anything weither it it is going to hurt me, make me upaet ,etc its better to have the communication and be honest because if I find out he lies to me then I lose trust and there is depper issues. I also explained to him that if he chooses to watch it that is fine its not cheating as long as his "" is only for me. We also talked about watching together I told him its just a video or pics nothing more it something that could be fun and exciting for both of us. I think our 3 hr talk really did good for both of us and I think noww he knows where I stand with the issue and all I really want is the truth ALWAYS!

Hahaha

You can't beat honest communications.