Ask Me Help Desk - Breakup, moving on, NC and healing.

Breakup, moving on, NC and healing.

I will try to keep this short. Had a deeply emotional and passionate relationship with a girl. Broke up with her 3 weeks back. Reason we broke up was that we got into lot of arguments, some things more relevant than others, and the result was diminished attraction from her side and resentment on mine. We talked about it and agreed to call it a day. I said to her 'if you need me you know where to find me, I hope all your dreams come true' and she said 'I have nothing against u, I wish you the best in all you do'.

Fast forward 3 weeks after full NC and I saw her online, using an account that has only me as a contact, so I thought (yes, I feel silly for 'thinking') that it was her way of telling me she wanted to talk. So I said to her 'hi'. No response. I said 'hi hope you are ok'. She said 'yes, thanks'. I said 'well, nice seeing u' as a way to be polite, but she lashed out at me and said 'why do you ping me' to which I replied 'I’m being polite'. She then logged off and hasn’t logged on again after that for a day.

For the first time since we started seeing each other and after we broke up I am angry and hurt. I am not sure why, maybe I feel insulted. I was moving on quite well, have been on dates already, and now I feel miserable, even more than when we broke up. Somebody please tell me what to do, how I let go of this anger and hurt. Thanks for reading.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sayanaladka

i said to her 'if u need me u know where to find me, i hope all ur dreams come true'

All of these problems you're having, are all because of you. Notice what I quoted you on? This is how you're relationship ended. Telling her you're basically going to wait for her to come back. No wonder you so quickly ran back to her seeing her online like that. You just stirred the pot of past emotions and it's not a fun pot to stir. Let things settle again, and continue with NC forever. It didn't work out, accept it and move on. Stop dwindling in the past, and focus on the future.

Hi C0bra_M3nace, thanks for responding mate. I messaged her because she logged in on an account she uses only for me and she stayed online 3 days in a row. Evntually I thought she wanted me to say something, so I did. I know I shudnt analyse why she would do that, but - why would she do that?

Maybe she was talking to someone else.
It's over and done with. Keep reminding yourself of that. You will get over this.

I KNOW she doesn't have anyone else on that messenger account (dont ask me how), it's a account that is in use for no one else but me.
As for the fact that its over, I know its over, and I was moving on well until this 3 weeks later.

So why would she login for 3 days back to back?

I don't know. Maybe she didn't know she was logged on or just didn't notice it.
I do that sometimes. I have a couple of accounts that login when ever I am on line.

It's the past, stop dwelling on the past and look to the future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I don't know. Maybe she didn't know she was logged on or just didn't notice it.
I do that sometimes. I have a couple of accounts that login when ever I am on line.

I wish this explanation was the right one, but I know it isn't, because she logs in invisible always on every account, she's done this for dogs years ever since I know her, then changes status to visible again IF she wants to talk, and when she logs off then changes it back to invisible for next time. Maybe she is playing games with my mind, and wants me to beg and plead with her which I refuse to. I guess only she knows why she did it, isn't it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by sayanaladka

i wish this explanation was the right one, but i know it isnt, because she logs in invisible always on every account, shes done this for dogs years ever since i know her, then changes status to visible again IF she wants to talk, and when she logs off then changes it back to invisible for next time. maybe she is playing games with my mind, and wants me to beg and plead with her which i refuse to. i guess only she knows why she did it, isnt it?

There you go again, trying to justify what she's doing. Stop. The more you force your mind to think about why, and what if the further backwards you go.

Stopppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp thinking about it and move on. Who knows why she did it, only her, but she's gone now so stop it for your sake.

Quote:

Originally Posted by C0bra_M3nace

There you go again, trying to justify what she's doing. Stop. The more you force your mind to think about why, and what if the further backwards you go.

Stopppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp thinking about it and move on. Who knows why she did it, only her, but she's gone now so stop it for your sake.

I was moving on well for 3 weeks, no email/txt/call nothing, deleted Facebook, avoided blank calls from private number (it was her), now this online dance, and back to square1. How do I erase her from mind?

All you can do is keep up what your were doing. You are back to square one, but that doesn't mean you can't keep going.

Leave here alone. It probably set her back too. An ex recently contacted me after 6 weeks of NC and it just pissed me off. Do both of you a favor and stay away.

Quote:

Originally Posted by here2assist

Leave here alone. It probably set her back too. An ex recently contacted me after 6 weeks of NC and it just pissed me off. Do both of you a favor and stay away.

6 weeks is a LONG time I think. We used to talk every day! :/ how long will it be before emotions subside (pls don't say - years)?

Not years, but it will happen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Not years, but it will happen.

Thanks homegirl, when I am ready and when she is could be different, how do I know when she is ready?

You don't worry about her. You concentrate on you.
You don't talk to her until you're ready.
You two may drift and not be friends after this, That is not unheard of . A lot of "friends again" after a break up don't work.
But you just worry about getting over the hurt on your end.

You two talked every day after you ended things?? 6 weeks isn't long enough to fully move on. For me I felt better after a couple weeks. The 4th and 5th weeks were tough because enough time had passed where I started to miss the him. That being said I wrote a list of all the reasons he was not good for me and will often read that list. It's a good reinforcer not to get in touch. I would say it takes me about 4-6 months to completely move on. The emotions subside much quicker then that. Whenever any ex has gotten in touch I'm able to play it off cool, act neutral and not show any emotion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You two may drift and not be friends after this

The sad part isn't the relationship, it's the 1 year of friendship we had before the 2 year relationship. I lost not just love but the closest friend I had. But then she lost me too. That makes me more sad.

Quote:

Originally Posted by here2assist

You two talked every day after you ended things??? I wrote a list of all the reasons he was not good for me and will often read that list. It's a good reinforcer not to get in touch. I would say it takes me about 4-6 months to completely move on. The emotions subside much quicker then that. Whenever any ex has gotten in touch I'm able to play it off cool, act neutral and not show any emotion.

I meant we used to talk every day for 2+yrs UNTIL we broke up. Even when we used to argue.I am doing te same thing, trying to notice what she lacked, and there is so much I am uncovering daily. However still all those tender feelings for her won't go away. It feels like it will never end.

Perhaps with time, after the pain is gone, the friendship will be missed and it can be repaired.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Perhaps with time, after the pain is gone, the friendship will be missed and it can be repaired.

I miss her being there to talk to most. Although I am fast losing feelings of love, I still care for her deeply, and that's not easy to drop.

Quote:

Originally Posted by C0bra_M3nace

All you can do is keep up what your were doing. You are back to square one, but that doesn't mean you can't keep going.

I'm doing NC, its painful, but I'm staying strong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sayanaladka

the sad part isnt the relationship, its the 1 year of friendship we had before the 2 year relationship. i lost not just love but the closest friend i had. but then she lost me too. that makes me more sad.

i meant we used to talk every day for 2+yrs UNTIL we broke up. even when we used to argue.i am doing te same thing, trying to notice what she lacked, and there is so much i am uncovering daily. however still all those tender feelings for her wont go away. it feels like it will never end.

The mind likes to play tricks on us. When you're in the relationship the arguments and problems are so draining and taxing however when you're out of the relationship all you can remember are the tender, loving moments. I know exactly how you feel. You just haven't given yourself enough time. Those feelings do lift and slowly but surely you'll find yourself in a better place. It's sad to lose your best friend in the process too but you can't immediately flip the switch from romance to platonic. It's just not possible. If you want to carry on a friendship at a later time you can try to reach out to her. I'd give it at least 6 months. Keep in mind, you may not get the response you want. She could be cold, indifferent, unpleasant or unresponsive. You have to decide for yourself whether you're prepared for that. I'd love to be friends with my ex down the road because we had such a nice time together however he's sooooo emotional and incapable of letting go of things. I can honestly say the thought of seeing him on the street with his arms around another woman doesn't even make me flinch. I don't know. I guess I'm fortunate because it's so apparent that he's not the right person for me. If you were fighting regularly do you really think she is the girl for you? Um... probably not. Know that if you ever got back together the same issues will surface. TRUST ME! I've been down that road and you end up separating only to have to go through the pain and awful agony of a breakup again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by here2assist

If you were fighting regularly do you really think she is the girl for you? Um...probably not. Know that if you ever got back together the same issues will surface. TRUST ME! I've been down that road and you end up separating only to have to go through the pain and awful agony of a breakup again.

We were very good together for most of the time. But you are indeed correct a lot of the issues might still happen, but then they may not, I guess we both changed, I got less needy and she got more insecure. She is a very nice person, she is just hurt, as I am, and I don't blame her for anything. I just want a friendship with her because I am moving away love-wise, but I know she remembers the past and its probably not a good idea right now. She has retained the hurt whereas I have let it go, thinking of her as a 6 yo girl. I guess I could get hurt a lot if she is indifferent or curt to me.

Erase her from everything and continue with the NC... relationship still done, live your life elsewhere.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mmresd

Erase her from everything and continue with the NC... relationship still done, live your life elsewhere.

I already am starting to, but we have a long history of closeness before things rapidly went toxic.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sayanaladka

i already am starting to, but we have a long history of closeness before things rapidly went toxic.

Doesn't matter. She has decided to end things, you have to accept that and leave it alone.

We used to talk of going to paris and spending an evening by the eiffel tower (we never got a chance to do that), today she changed her profile pic on messenger to a picture of the eiffel tower. I saw her online but I didn't talk to her, the memory of what happened the last time still hurts my self-esteem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Doesn't matter. She has decided to end things, you have to accept that and leave it alone.

I did accept that the relationship was over, and I didn't expect friendship either, but I didn't get why she couldn't be civil to me, especially when we both know I didn't hurt her with any malice in mind, it was simply us drifting apaprt and each feeling the other didn't care, which led to arguments.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sayanaladka

i did accept that the relationship was over, and i didnt expect friendship either, but i didnt get why she cudnt be civil to me, especially when we both know i didnt hurt her with any malice in mind, it was simply us drifting apaprt and each feeling the other didnt care, which led to arguments.

Who knows, but it is what it is. Don't mess yourself up trying to figure her out. You really need to let go of this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Who knows, but it is what it is. Don't mess yourself up trying to figure her out. You really need to let go of this.

You are right, I need to stop analysing, and just do full nc. While I am not begging, pleading or any of that, I am constantly analysing what/why, even about the profile pic change, and that is also detrimental to my peace of mind.

Delete the account then the temptation won't be there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Delete the account then the temptation won't be there.

Although I can't delete my account (because I use it for everyone unlike her), I did block her on it, then after 3 weeks unblocked her, and then proceeded to say 'hi' which caused this turmoil. Something in me feels happy when I see her messenger icon light up.

You are your own worst enemy. Block her and stop torturing yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You are your own worst enemy. Block her and stop torturing yourself.

We said bye so we blocked ourselves right there. I don't want her to think that she is affecting me, so I won't block her, I want her to think I'm happy and moving on, I am keeping happy status messages so she can see them as well. This way she can move on as well, otherwise she will be stuck in time, and I don't want that to happen to either of us.

I think you are lying to yourself.
She left you remember. I don't think she would care or think she is affecting you if you block her. If anything she will think you have moved on, and I don't think you want her to think that. You want her to be reminded of you.
Like I said you are your own worst enemy. You are the one blocking your recovery.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I think you are lying to yourself.
She left you remember. I don't think she would care or think she is affecting you if you block her. If anything she will think you have moved on, and I don't think you want her to think that. You want her to be reminded of you.
Like I said you are your own worst enemy. You are the one blocking your recovery.

U may b right. One of the reasons we broke up was because she thought I was dating other girls, which was not true. Me blocking her will make her think she was right. Won't that cause her to hate me?

Block her dude, its your account and be done with this useless dialog with yourself of what she will think about your actions. Who cares what she thinks except YOU!! She probably thinks you are a PUNK for NOT blocking her from using YOUR account. I do!

You are stuck in your own mind, and that's not good.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sayanaladka

u may b right. one of the reasons we broke up was because she thought i was dating other girls, which was not true. me blocking her will make her think she was right. wont that cause her to hate me?

She left you. What difference does it make? Get a life!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

She probably thinks you are a PUNK for NOT blocking her from using YOUR account. I do!
You are stuck in your own mind, and thats not good.

Just to be clear, it is HER account, but it has ONLY ME listed as a contact. My account has her and others on it, so I can't delete my account but can block her. Its my LAST connection with her, I deleted my own fb account, deleted her phone number so I do not drunk dial her anytime etc etc. what is punk-ish about letting her see me online? (lost)
I have been on dates with 2/3 girls but no one comes even close to how she smells smiles walks, nothing. How do I get unstuck?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

She left you. What difference does it make? Get a life!

Yea you are right. I have a date today. But can't get her off my mind.

Oh, and she is logging in again for entire days last 2 days. Same pattern. I know she uses the account only for me (pls don't ask me how). I haven't said anything to her this time, and never will initiate dialogue. Its like she is mocking me, with the profile pic change and all that staying online business, I don't know. I like it when I c her online so I know she is well. We broke up one time earlier and that time she ended up in hospital.

OK, I'm going to be HARSH!
You are pitiful. If you want to keep torturing yourself, do it, but don't come here asking about when the pain will go away when you don't want to do what it takes to stop it.
Block her from your messenger and stop virtual stalking her like some lovesick puppy, or keep doing it and stay miserable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Block her from your messenger and stop virtual stalking her like some lovesick puppy, or keep doing it and stay miserable.

I did block her for 3 weeks, it didn't get easier, but I guess I have nothing to lose either way.

Like I said stalk her like a lovesick puppy and stay miserable.