:( OK guys ima give it to you straight, I'm a brotha that has a Caucasian girl friend, well had. We've been together for 4 years, I'm a Saggitarrius, and she's a Pises.
I love this girl so much! I made the mistake of trying to keep her in check by saying I want to break up, When I don't mean it at all! I never wanted to break up with her, I love her! I know, terrible thing to do, but you have to understand, she has hurt me so many times and I kept looking back at the past.But for once in my life, I'm done looking back! I want to move on with her in my life! I finally understand! I just wanted to make her see that if she lost me, what would happen. And for a while, it worked. She kept coming back.And I took her back! But then one day, everything changed. She actually wanted to break up with me. For good this time. Then everything clicked in my head. Why did I do this to her, the one I loved with a passion so deep. I must be stupid, so I pleaded with her to stay with me, but she won't. She keeps saying "I need time to think" and I keep telling her lets work through it! But she won't listen. She dwells on the past just like I did! And I told her! I said"J look, dwelling on the past has destroyed this relationship. Look at my mistakes, look at what has happened because of me looking back! Dont make the same mistake i did. Please, just let it go and lets just start ova!" But she won't. She can't let go of the past and start over with me, when its so easy, she just doesn't see it anymore, she's finally given up. I made her feel so low, we've been back and fourth struggling trying to keep our relationship alive, her mom hates me because I'm black and her family won't approve, my family up in New York loves her they think she's great but my family down south hates the fact that I'm going out with a white girl and they hate her. I love her to death and I don't care what any one thinks! But how can I try to make this work when she won't even let go of the past, she won't even try to make it work... I just wanted one more chance! I know I can make a difference! But she just wants "time to think" she thinks we should "seperate" and then she thinks we should be friends! I tried that for a little and then I told her that I can't do it any more it hurts too much! Seeing her and knowing I can't hug her or kiss her like I normally do! Come on!
I really messed this relationship up guys and I need help!

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

I love this girl so much! I made the mistake of trying to keep her in check by saying i want to break up, When i dont mean it at all!

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I’m thinking you must be young. That is a stupid game to play. It’s a stupid game to play for a couple reasons. The first is any man that has to threaten his woman with anything to “keep her in check” is not a man. A man “keeps her in check” by standing his ground and not budging from his values and core beliefs but is open enough to allow her to at least view hers. If she yells or whines then you stand your ground but if you have to threaten to leave to get your way then you aren’t a man. You’re a baby.

Threatening baby tactics works in elementary school, some in middle school, less in high school, but in real life they don’t mean a damn thing. Maybe I’m wrong but that’s why I’m guessing your young, like under that age of 21. If your older I’m surprised you’ve gotten away with this for so long. But my point is as your girlfriend gets older she sees the cool guy that she thought had it all together really doesn’t and she begins to see that if you can’t hold a relationship together then you can’t hold yourself together and she’s not interested in that. That’s what babies do and she wants a man.

Another reason this is a stupid game to play is because the very idea of telling her that your going to break up only lets her know that she can’t trust you and should be weary of you. If you do it enough, as you have your eventually just going to have her say, “Okay I’m moving on.”

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

I never wanted to break up with her, I love her! I know, terrible thing to do, but u have to understand, she has hurt me so many times and i kept looking back at the past.

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Well you never really say what she’s done so it’s hard to know what you mean by hurt you in the past. But that being said, if your hurting her, and she’s hurting you then what exactly are either one of you getting from this relationship other than a bunch of pain?

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

But for once in my life, im done looking back! i want to move on with her in my life! I finally understand! I just wanted to make her see that if she lost me, what would happen. And for a while, it worked. She kept comming back.And i took her back! But then one day, everything changed. She actually wanted to break up with me. For good this time. Then everything clicked in my head. why did i do this to her, the one i loved with a passion so deep. i must be stupid, so i pleaded with her to stay with me, but she wont. she keeps saying "I need time to think" and i keep telling her lets work through it! but she wont listen.

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But why would you expect her to listen? This goes back to that thing I said about people bullying people through school, and make no mistake if you dump someone to get your way, your bullying them with your emotions. That stuff works in school but doesn’t mean jack in the real world.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

She dwells on the past just like i did! and i told her! i said"J look, dwelling on the past has destroyed this relationship. Look at my mistakes, look at what has happened because of me looking back! Dont make the same mistake i did. Please, just let it go and lets just start ova!" But she wont. She can't let go of the past and start over with me, when its so easy,

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Again, you don’t say so I don’t want to speculate what happened in the past but whatever it is must not be easy to get over, if you couldn’t for a long time and now she can’t.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

she just does'nt see it anymore, shes finally given up. I made her feel so low, we've been back and fourth struggling trying to keep our relationship alive, her mom hates me because im black and her family wont approve,

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With all due respect maybe her mom hates you because sees you as a jerk who keeps toying with her daughters emotions.

If she’s made reference to your race then I guess your right but if I was this girls mother or father I could look beyond your skin to find reasons not be thrilled with the way you treat people. I’m not giving her a pass her because I don’t know exactly what she did to hurt you but I just don’t think being black is the thing that jumps out at me.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

my family up in new york loves her they think shes great but my family down south hates the fact that im going out with a white girl and they hate her.

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Well I live in Florida, so I sometimes catch a little bit of the ole south, and about 4 years ago I dated a black girl (me being a white male). When I was questioned about this by a neighbor I pointed out something that I think you could point out to your relatives down here. Before the civil rights laws were passed and you had all these marches on both sides of the issue there was one phrase that trumped them all. “Segregation by day, Integration by night.” No matter how bad the races in the Southern United States wanted to claim they hate each other, when push come to shove humans of any color have no problem hooking up.

Is that going to change your families long standing southern beliefs, the truth is no. But to pretend that your doing something immoral or unheard of is not factual either. If there honest they can’t deny people have been sleeping with, in relationships with, and even married to other races, long before the south was segregated.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

i love her to death and i dont care what any one thinks!

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Nor should you if it’s about race. Again though you don’t say what happened in the past or what she did that hurt you. If they don’t like her because she cheated on you then maybe you should listen to them.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

But how can i try to make this work when she wont even let go of the past, she wont even try to make it work....I just wanted one more chance! I know i can make a difference!

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Well you can’t if she doesn’t want you. That’s what I meant earlier about playing that game. You can only do it for so long before it means nothing.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

But she just wants "time to think" she thinks we should "seperate" and then she thinks we should be friends! I tried that for a lil and then i told her that i can't do it any more it hurts too much! seeing her and knowing i can't hug her or kiss her like i normally do!? come on!
i really messed this relationship up guys and i need help!

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Well the truth is I think you’ve made a lot of mistakes. The ones that happened in the relationship have been covered and I think you even got the message and learned from your mistakes.

Again I’m saying this without knowing what the big problem was from the past, but I think when this was over you should have said to her one time, and one time only, something like “I’ve made some mistakes with you, in regards to how I’ve treated you, how much I value you, and expressing to you how much you mean to me. If you wanted to give this another opportunity I’d be willing to put whatever problems in the past behind us, and move forward together since I have a better understanding of who you are, who I am, and what this relationship means. I’m going to now give you the space you want.”

Then I would have backed away. I think by continuing your friendship with her it allowed her the opportunity to emotionally come down after the relationship. In other words after you dumped her again she may have still had some emotions for you but by moving you into the friend zone she was able to bring them down while still having you around. Thus it made it easier on her. Remember women are so much better at dealing with emotions then men and can control them 100 times better than we can. This was her way of controlling them.

I think for you to have any chance now, and to be honest, I’d say there slim, but for your to have any chance you need to break away completely. Pull back and do not contact her at all. For no reason. The only way you can get her to come back is to have her miss you, but if your there all the time you’ll never create that emotional response in her.

Thanks a lot for the input chuff . I've realized a lot. But now let me get deeper. In the beginning of the relationship when everything was everything, I first met this girl and wanted to date her. So bad, that I decided to ask her mom. Her mom took me in a secluded room looked me dead in my eyes and said... "honestly, i just dont want my daughter dating black people"... that's the 1st incident. I didn't know people were still like that. At the time I didn't know what to think. So I did what I thought best, I told her that her mom didn't want me with her. I never told her why though. So she was crying and begged her mom to give me a chance. The next day she calls me and says her moms going to give me a chance but I was still very uncomfortable about the whole situation. Later I told her and she was shocked, but I told her not to say anything to her mom about it.

That's not even the only problem, my sister, lol man, my sister. Anywayz, my sister talks waaaay too much for her own good, she's a very bad influence, and I tell my girl not to chill with her. So one day I see her chilling with her. I have a question. What do you do when your girl does not listen to you at all? Even when the advice you're giving her is good advice. Anyway this resorts in all kinds of problems meaning less arguments and just nonsense. Even till this day. Plus she told me she was going to the city with her grand parents right? Well my grandmother calls me the next day, come to find out she was in the city with my sister... again... so what am I supposed to do?

There is so much more that she's done. So I did the only thing I thought was right, I started making rules. That's when everything goes nuts. That's when I start the nonsense break up thing I did, and just all sorts of other nonsense. BUT what can I do! She doesn't listen to me, she always finds out the hard way that I was right and she was wrong, over and over.

But for once in my life I'm ready to make amends and move on from the past to have a better future with her and she won't give me a chance! Don't you think I deseve a chance too? I gave her sooo many, I've been through hell and back with this girl so why am I the only one that sees that we can make it work? Why does she have the right to just give up?
I never gave up on her, even when I did do that nonsense I never broke up with her. I always gave her a second chance.

Oh an by the way I'm 21 and she's 18. Maybe that has something to do with it.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

thanx alot for the input chuff . ive relized alot. But now let me get deeper. in the beggining of the relationship when everything was everything, i first met this girl and wanted to date her. So bad, that i decided to ask her mom. Her mom took me in a secluded room looked me dead in my eyes and said..."honestly, i just dont want my daughter dating black people".... thats the 1st incident.

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Ouch. Well I stand corrected from my first post then. And to think you were even polite enough to ask her mom and you still got met with rejection.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

i didnt know people were still like that.

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Yeah look at what Hillary Clinton just got away with this past weekend.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

At the time i didnt know what to think. so i did what i thought best, I told her that her mom didnt want me with her. i never told her why though.

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I’ve got to say that’s taking the high road.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

So she was crying and begged her mom to give me a chance. The next day she calls me and says her moms gonna give me a chance but i was still very uncomfortable about the whole situation. Later i told her and she was shocked, but i told her not to say anything to her mom about it.

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Well I guess that means she not full blown racist, but a cautious over overprotective racist. What I mean is there are some people who would disown there kids for dating another race and she wasn’t that person. Just somebody cautious about someone dating her daughter that was of another race.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

Thats not even the only problem, my sister, lol man, my sister. Anywayz, my sister talks waaaay too much for her own good, shes a very bad influence, and i tell my girl not to chill with her. so one day i see her chilling with her. i have a question. what do you do when your girl does not listen to you at all? even when the advice youre giving her is good advice.

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But you have to let her learn on her own. You can’t control every aspect of her life.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

ne wayz this resorts in all kinds of problems meaning less arguements and just nonsense.

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How are less arguments more problems?

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

even till this day. plus she told me she was going to the city with her grand parents right? well my grandmother calls me the next day, come to find out she was in the city with my sister.....again...... so what am i supposed to do?

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Well I agree that you have every right to be upset for her lying to you. I just don’t get why she felt she had too. What was she trying to prove?

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

There is so much more that shes done. So i did the only thing i thought was right, i started making rules. Thats when everything goes nuts. Thats when i start the nonsense break up thing i did, and just all sorts of other nonsense. BUT what can i do!? She doesnt listen to me, she always finds out the hard way that i was right and she was wrong, over and over.

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And that is exactly where you become a man and she becomes a woman and your relationship is defined.

Let me explain. Your role in a relationship or the role women want from men is to be strong, offer advice of which they will generally not take, be funny and entertaining and an overall rock to her water. She is going to come and ask you for advice but ignore it many times as but she thinks differently than you do. It took me years to get this but some time just take a step back and watch how men and women operate. Have you ever noticed you can talk to a guy for hours about anything and not feel pressured. That’s because most guys think logically and thus can communicate logically with each other much better than we can with women. Women think emotionally and lead with there emotions. The thing is they can talk that way with other women and it makes sense to them like it makes sense to us to talk with other guys. Most guys hate reading a romance novel because it speaks directly to a women’s emotions and when we read just a couple pages we are thinking to ourselves, “what is this crap?” Even though it’s written in English it’s like a foreign language to guys because we don’t think like that.

But the point I’m trying to make is she can have emotional needs met with other women. But you have to let her do her own thing and be solid like a rock. Now having said all this, I’m not giving her a pass because she’s lying to you about where she and who she’s with. That is unacceptable and I’m siding with you on that. If she lying she needs to be called on it and offer an explanation. If she can’t then maybe she not the one for you. You don’t need to spend time with someone that lies to you. If you catch her lying you should call her on it and if she can’t give you an explanation cancel your plans with her for that night or weekend. Let her know there will be consequences for treating you badly with actions, not with more words or through emotions. Being a woman she will always understand emotions better. But you can stand your ground through actions and being tough on what you say and backing it up with actions. Not only does that make you look strong, women like that because women like strong guys and that’s inner strength.

But I’m saying you can’t say to anyone, woman or man for that matter, “don’t do this because I said so” or “this is the rule of life your going to follow“ because they are going to do it and rebel against you. But if you say to a something like, “Look here are reasons A, B and C that I don’t want you to do this and the consequences that are going to happen” that is a better approach. If she does and learns the hard way you just stand firm and revert back to what you said initially. That makes you the rock but not overbearing.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

But for once in my life im ready to make amends and move on from the past to have a better future with her and she wont give me a chance!?

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She won’t give you the chance so stand up for yourself and remove her from your life for awhile. Let her know your strong and don’t need her. Make her see that she wants you by showing her what it’s like with you gone.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

Dont you think i deseve a chance too?

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I think you deserve a chance if she wants it. But you can’t force it.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

i gave her sooo many, ive been thru hell and back with this girl so why am i the only one that sees that we can make it work? Why does she have the right to just give up?

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She has the right because she’s half of the relationship.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

I never gave up on her, even when i did do that nonsense i never broke up with her. I always gave her a second chance.

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With all due respect, your not giving yourself a second chance. Back up from her and let her miss you. Constantly being there is killing your chances.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

Oh an by the way im 21 and shes 18. maybe that has somthing to do with it.

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I think that is does yes.

I’m going to reiterate this again and I think you need to do it for this to work but back up from her. Give yourself some breathing room here.

Thank You! You've Helped Me So Much! I Really Appreciate This! Now Its So Much Clearer, And It Makes So Much Sense, Why We Argue All The Time!
She's Always Trying To Get Me To See It In An Emotional Perspective! And I Never Understand What She's Talking About! And I Always Think She's Wrong Because I Look At It From A Logical Perspective! Hmm, So Basically, Instead Of Completley Blocking Her Veiws Out Thinking She's Wrong All The Time, I Should Open Up And Try And See It From Her Point Of Veiw! And That's Where We Communicate! Which Also Reels In Respect And Understanding! Wooooow.
Why Didn't I See This Before Lol.

Thank You So Much! Well I Guess For Now I Got to Give Her Her Space. Sucks.
But I Love Her, So I Don't Want to Mess This Up. I Guess I Have To.thanx Chuff!

Yea I have another question, I saw a post earlier and the guy said that he has a diff problem from everyone else's, but I think its similar to me in a way.

Let me explain,

Before I let her go on her break, (which has went on for a couple weeks now,still no input from her.)

I would talk with her. Its plain to see she's upset with me, but the point I'm trying to get at is she's very confused as well, I ask her if she wants a relationship with me or not? Because if she doesn't let me know now, she says"no i want a relationship with you, i just think that if we got back together the same thing is going to happen". I tell her "well thats what happens in relationships! theres ups and downs but only the stong survive! lets work through this! she insists that we take a break, she claims shes taking an "alternate route" to fix our relationship and hold us together. but i dont see how. let me elaborate,she takes her break right? ok when she comes back to me, isint it going to be the same thing? arent we going to be faced with the same problems, before she went on her break in the 1st place?
this is why i think shes making a big mistake. we didnt even try to "work things out" before she went on her break, what makes her think that those problems are going to be resolved just by "thinking about them", as she likes to put it.

plus i asked her what does she really want? she says "nothing, I don't know."
then she says "I have so much feelings for you. Half of me wants to stay but half of me wants to leave" then i say "after four years you don't know if you want to be with me or not"!? then she says "I love you but I don't know" then she started crying again.

Plus she also has a problem with saying NO too!
I just don't understand it. Problems arouse, talk to me about it, I'm willing to change, to help heal our relationship, to be a man and help! To understand where she's coming from and listen to her opinions!
But she won't give me a chance! Doesn't she know alls she has to do is open up to me and stop liying to me and everything will work itsself out! I can't help but to appraoch this as a logical matter! But she's all torn between 2 worlds an stuff! What's with this! I'm willing! I just don't understand, she told me she loved me but she won't let me help us! If only she understood, it takes 2 to work things out she'd realize I'm only trying to help!

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

yea i have another question, i saw a post earlier and the guy said that he has a diff problem from everyone elses, but i think its similar to me in a way.

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Dude, there always the same. You will see people post here or claim in life that there love is so different and unique and nobody can understand them but the two in the relationship. You what that is - fantasy. That’s the kind of stuff movies are made of and people don’t want to deal with the fact that BILLIONS of other people have been in love and had there heart broken. It sucks, it hurts, and it’s painful. But so does a broken bone, and with time and proper care you anybody can heal a broken bone, just like a broken heart.

The problem with a broken heart is, it’s emotional and that hurts worse than a broken bone so the pain can stay around longer. Sometimes it stays around because people let it and continue dwelling on the past or “what could have been.” But that’s not reality. That’s fantasy. Sometimes you just have to let go and know that it was great for a period but there are better things out there for you.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

let me explain,

before i let her go on her break, (which has went on for a couple weeks now,still no input from her.)

i would talk with her. its plain to see shes upset with me, but the point im trying to get at is shes very confused as well, i ask her if she wants a relationship with me or not? because if she doesnt let me know now, she says"no i want a relationship with you, i just think that if we got back together the same thing is going to happen". i tell her "well thats what happens in relationships! theres ups and downs but only the stong survive! lets work through this! she insists that we take a break, she claims shes taking an "alternate route" to fix our relationship and hold us together. but i dont see how. let me elaborate,she takes her break right? ok when she comes back to me, isint it going to be the same thing? arent we going to be faced with the same problems, before she went on her break in the 1st place?
this is why i think shes making a big mistake. we didnt even try to "work things out" before she went on her break, what makes her think that those problems are going to be resolved just by "thinking about them", as she likes to put it.

plus i asked her what does she really want? she says "nothing, i dont know."
then she says "i have so much feelings for you. half of me wants to stay but half of me wants to leave" then i say "after four years you dont know if you want to be with me or not"!? then she says "i love you but i dont know" then she started crying again.

plus she also has a problem with saying NO too!
i just dont understand it. problems arouse, talk to me about it, im willing to change, to help heal our relationship, to be a man and help! to understand where shes comming from and listen to her opinions!
but she wont give me a chance! doesnt she know alls she has to do is open up to me and stop liying to me and everything will work itsself out!? i can't help but to appraoch this as a logical matter! but shes all torn between 2 worlds an stuff! whats with this!? im willing! i just dont understand, she told me she loved me but she wont let me help us! if only she understood, it takes 2 to work things out she'd realize im only trying to help!

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Your dwelling on all this, which is natural but at some point you have to quit asking questions about the relationship, because as of now it’s over. She’s asked for time to think, and you held up your end of the bargain. You gave it to her. That doesn’t mean you have to sit and wait. She could take a months or she could decide that she doesn’t want to be apart of that anymore. Now you have to start putting together some positive things for yourself. I’m sure you’ve put some things off that you wanted to do, while now is the time to search them out and do it. Make plans for yourself and enjoy what you do.

Take this time to rebuild you mind and well being so that if she does come back your stronger. If she doesn’t you will still be stronger for yourself in the future.

It would help if you could accept the fact that this relationship is broken and learn to get a life that you enjoy and makes you happy without her in your life. It takes time and a lot of hard work, but you will be in a healthier state of mind and make better decisions, And you won't have to hijack other threads with the ranting. We all feel your pain and dissappointment, but you'll get there, just hang in.

Just because on pewrson treated you poorly doesn't mean everyone will. You must stuck one screwed up, unhealthy be-atch.

Your very emotional at this time and your basing all your thoughts and posts here on that position.

Let me just tell you that you are WRONG!

If this is your attitude then it is little wonder your in a broken relationship!

I understand it hurts but everyone here is only trying to help and we base our advice on experience and REALITY. It hurts sometimes but it is better than the hurt that will come your way if you believe everything your thinking and saying right now!

Not the bad guy at all. However you have hijacked almost every thread here and posted the same rant, which in my opinion is wrong.

There are many people here who can testify to that. They are in healthy and loving relationships that have withstood the test of time, and many other things as well.

You do certainly seem a little emotional right now and it is coming through in all your posts. You need to relax a little and try to appreciate what people are trying to say to you.

**EDIT** He deleted a post before mine that I was responding too!

Yes - that's a little much there.

Too bad some girl and I mean girl treated this guy like crap. You can't put your total heart into it for a long time.

Update. Well, I found out the real reason why she took a break, she was cheating on me the whole time. I found out myself. 1st I asked these women what they thought, and they said"yeah its someone else" so then I went searching for the answer and I found it. Not the answer I was looking for but it was true. She was cheating on me. I guess there was one little problem, and she got fed up and started cheating behind my back. Amazing... 4 years I was loyal... and now this, its amazing. Well I broke up with her. I'm doing fine. I still think that relationships are a waste of time,as soon as one person gives up, its automatically over for some reason. I strongly advise the real men who don't cheat to stay single. Seriously, or you'll just end up getting hurt. Its inevitable.

Just like the frog and the scorpion. Women,its in they're nature.

All youth (to varying degrees) plays games out of inexperience until grown up enough to know how to substitute honest communication for games and how to lovingly insist on mutual respect by giving it and requiring it back. Hard lessons but we all learn them... sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

I hope for your sake its quickly. You sound like you are awake, aware and willing to learn -- all promising things.

I do take exception to your character assassination of all women though -- definitely not a good thing.
I think that's just your anger talking trash now.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

i strongly advise the real men who don't cheat to stay single. seriously, or you'll just end up getting hurt. its inevitable.

Just like the frog and the scorpion. women,its in they're nature.

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Now don't be pessimistic! Be more optimistic.. in the sense that you found out now.. better than later!

She is a cheat... does not mean all women are cheats... remember that!
Women also get cheated on!
ITS nature!

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

update. well, i found out the real reason why she took a break, she was cheating on me the whole time. i found out myself. 1st i asked these women what they thought, and they said"yeah its someone else" so then i went searching for the answer and i found it. not the answer i was looking for but it was true. she was cheating on me. i guess there was one little problem, and she got fed up and started cheating behind my back. amazing... 4 years i was loyal...and now this, its amazing. well i broke up with her. I'm doing fine. i still think that relationships are a waste of time,as soon as one person gives up, its automatically over for some reason. i strongly advise the real men who don't cheat to stay single. seriously, or you'll just end up getting hurt. its inevitable.

Just like the frog and the scorpion. women,its in they're nature.

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Sorry you had to learn the hard way, but when one partner has other ideas its best to pick up the pieces and move on. Also don't let your anger cloud your judgement, and put the blame on someone else (all women) as you had a part to play in this also. You were the one who vowed to never give up and accepting that this was over, probably for a while. So before you point fingers realised that you made mistakes too. Reread all of the things you've written and think about it. When you are finished with the anger allow yourself to heal and get healthy.

Alizeblu, your angry and hurt and I totally understand and so does everybody else. But your going to live for another 80 years, probably longer and this in the grand sceme of things was just a little time in your life. Trust me you'll get over her and move on and there will be better women out there for you.

But I want to second something Val said, despite all that has gone on and some of your emotional rants you have something that few people have at your age, and that is a willingness to learn. I encourage you take some time and let your emotions calm down and get yourself back in order. I also encourage you to stick around here and just soak up the knowledge here at this board so that when the next girl comes along you will be better prepared.

Trust me, I never had anyone teach me anything, I've learned through trial and error and many times repeating the same sceniro with different woman before I figured some things out. I've also learn a lot just reading other posts here and figuring out what to do. I've often said that I wish I had a site like this 10 years ago and that would put me right about your age. I know you don't see it now, but maybe this whole thing was the best thing that could have happened to you because it sent you in another direction in which you can become a better and smarter person when the next better and smarter woman comes along.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

All youth (to varying degrees) plays games out of inexperience until grown up enough to know how to substitute honest communication for games and how to lovingly insist on mutual respect by giving it and requiring it back. Hard lessons but we all learn them... sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

I hope for your sake its quickly. You sound like you are awake, aware and willing to learn -- all promising things.

I do take exception to your character assassination of all women though -- definately not a good thing.
I think that's just your anger talking trash now.

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Yea but I'm not trash talking. I'm only speaking from experience, every woman I've been with has cheated on me and I've stayed faithful, so how can you tell me that its not going to happen again? Why should I open my heart to other women when the same things bound to occur? I don't feel I should take this chance any more.

You just have to see where I'm coming from. I treat women with the utmost respect, until they present themselves as lower than women... I went through hell with this girl, and when the fire gets a little hott, you want to bail out on me? I thought we were in this together? Guess not. You know the funny thing too? I was willing to give her another chance, but she wouldn't let me in, its like we were never in love. So angry? Nah, I just don't want that part of my life anymore. Honestly I don't need it. Id rather stay single and party anyday than to devote myself to someone who sneaks behind my back.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Krs

Now dont be pessimistic! Be more optimistic.. in the sense that you found out now.. better than later!

She is a cheat... does not mean all women are cheats... remember that!
Women also get cheated on!
ITS nature!

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And I understand this. But to look at the glass half full, that was the old me. I tried to hang on but I got shut out, and eventually shut down. People give up too easily, and then they cover it up with hopes of a better future. Honestly, when I look at the glass, it seems to be empty to begin with, then we pour something into it, drinking it, drinking it, until eventually there's nothing left, and now we're back where we started... empty.

So why bother? I think ill just let it sit there empty then to try to fill it again. There's just no point in trying anymore. Its bound to happen again, age is nothing but a number, its people.
There's always going to be conflict and change in peoples hearts, so id rather just leave it as it is, and not touch the hott coals again. I really don't want to get burned again. Not ever.

OK look, I'm not saying that all women are cheats, I'm just saying that there's going to be problems in relationships, no matter how big or how small, but the way you handle the problem is what makes or breaks the relationship. From what I've experienced, its easier for people to take the easy way out and give up, rather than taking the harder route and talking things out or at least try to understand what's wrong in the relationship and correcting it. People just don't think that way anymore. They just cover it up and give advice about how to break up, or how to stop thinking about the person , or how to direct all of your emotions to something positive.

I'm pretty sure I'm pessimitic here, but its only because I've seen it from both sides and I've chosen the lesser of 2 evils. Either way it hurts, but this is the way I've chosen to perceive it, helps me out a lot. Other people may be different, but this is the path that I have chosen.

You are not being honest with us or yourself. Reread your own post and you will see that you have been cruel, and manipulative in your relationships as well as controlling, so don't think for a minute that we buy that oh woe is me line your trying to feed us. You have a lot of growing to do whether you want to face it or not.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Sorry you had to learn the hard way, but when one partner has other ideas its best to pick up the pieces and move on. Also don't let your anger cloud your judgement, and put the blame on someone else (all women) as you had a part to play in this also. You were the one who vowed to never give up and accepting that this was over, probably for a while. so before you point fingers realised that you made mistakes too. Reread all of the things you've written and think about it. When you are finished with the anger allow your self to heal and get healthy.

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OK look, anger has played a big part in this OK you got me there, but that is an emotion, an irrational act out of confusion, to tell you the truth, I'm not confused anymore. So angry? Nah I'm not angry. Not anymore, after I found out what she did I callmed down a lot.

You see it made me realize that this kind of stuff happens all the time, and not just to me,but the mistake people make is covering it up. You can't cover up your feelings toward another person no matter how hard you try. By this I mean, (allowing yourself to heal)
Physically, you are not wonded. Emotionally yes, but what can't be felt physically obviously can't hurt you, so why keep thinking about past history? Its gone its dead correct? So we just move on. Live with it, learn from it, and just move on.yea it takes time for so called emotional wonds to heal, but honestly, I look at myself in the mirror and I'm fine.

Sticks and stones my friend, sticks and stones.
I'm actually very excited, I haven't been single in 4 YEARS! I can't wait to get out finally and have some fun, rather than wondering what my girlfriend is doing on her so called "break".lol, relationships just aren't for me. So id rather stay sigle and forget about locking myself down to one person for the rest of my life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You are not being honest with us or yourself. Reread your own post and you will see that you have been cruel, and manipulative in your relationships as well as controlling, so don't think for a minute that we buy that oh woe is me line your trying to feed us. You have a lot of growing to do whether you want to face it or not.

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Wait hold on, just because I've said things out of anger doesn't mean that I'm not being honest, I know I have a lot of growing up to do, I've read my own post about 7 times already, what you don't understand is that I'm going to think this way because I haven't started to grow yet. Obviously because I'm still the same age correct? I mean I'm still here typing on this keyboard, growing up doesn't happen over night guy, but people do change with the wind. As have I, I read my post, I know what I did, I ackknowledge what I've done, I've done as much to her as she's done to me, but I did want to give her another chance didn't I? I tried to hang on didn't I? So now I'm the bad guy because I finally understand that it was never meant to be in the first place? Now who needs the growing up? I just think you're still mad at me because of what I was typin a couple days ago, I told you I've realized, what more do you want? A verbal apology? Why aren't you trying to help me with my problem rather than dwell on what I WAS typing? Hm?

The past is the past, leave it at that. The things I did and said was because I was unable to except that it was over am I right? So now I accept it finally and I get pennalized? Common. At least I'm moving on here...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

yea but im not trash talking. im only speaking from experience, every woman ive been with has cheated on me and ive stayed faithful, so how can you tell me that its not going to happen again? why should i open my heart to other women when the same things bound to occur? i dont feel i should take this chance any more.

you just have to see where im comming from. i treat women with the utmost respect, until they present themselves as lower than women... i went through hell with this girl, and when the fire gets alittle hott, you wanna bail out on me? i thought we were in this together? guess not. you know the funny thing too? i was willing to give her another chance, but she wouldnt let me in, its like we were never in love. so angry? nah, i just dont want that part of my life anymore. honestly i dont need it. id rather stay single and party anyday than to devote myself to someone who sneaks behind my back.

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Could it be that your "picker" is broken? It stands to reason that if you manage to only select the unfaithful ones among a wide range of women, then it has something to do with you. How else can you explain that there are honest women in the world and you don't seem to ever hook up with them? Maybe that's worth taking a closer look at-- just a thought meant to be helpful. You're right about growing up doesn't happen overnight but it is facilitated by a willingness to look at self.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chuff

Alizeblu, your angry and hurt and I totally understand and so does everybody else. But your going to live for another 80 years, probably longer and this in the grand sceme of things was just a little time in your life. Trust me you'll get over her and move on and there will be better women out there for you.

But I want to second something Val said, despite all that has gone on and some of your emotional rants you have something that few people have at your age, and that is a willingness to learn. I encourage you take some time and let your emotions calm down and get yourself back in order. I also encourage you to stick around here and just soak up the knowledge here at this board so that when the next girl comes along you will be better prepared.

Trust me, I never had anyone teach me anything, I've learned through trial and error and many times repeating the same sceniro with different woman before I figured some things out. I've also learn a lot just reading other posts here and figuring out what to do. I've often said that I wish I had a site like this 10 years ago and that would put me right about your age. I know you don't see it now, but maybe this whole thing was the best thing that could have happened to you because it sent you in another direction in which you can become a better and smarter person when the next better and smarter woman comes along.

---

And chuff you are absolutley right, I agree with everything you say because its all true,
But look at it like this for a moment, why keep wasting time trying to search for the right woman when you know there are more mistakes to be made ahead? I know that I won't find the "perfect " woman because they don't exsist, they might be 10 times better than the one I've been with, but I know that there WILL be problems, which is where the turning point takes place in the relationship. So instead of wondering if we will be strong enough to go through the fire, why not just not go through it at all?

I mean there's tons of stuff I can do single that you can't do in relationships, but the only downfall for me is the "love" part of it. Love is a wonderful thing, but like anything else, it can also corrupt, it is also an irrational emotion that can't be controlled, you already seen what love has done to me correct? You've seen the rant, you've seen the foolishness, and the childish things I've done out of anger. Honestly people can live without love. They do it all the time.

So I choose not to, not because I'm a coward or because I'm not being honest with myself, only because I've chosen not to get hurt anymore. Id rather have all the material things in the world, than to devote myself to a person that I have to build a realationship with in order to be able to trust the person. And even then, it can be years of a great relationship,but there WILL be problems. Which is why I've chosen to stay as far away from relationships as possible, so I can stay in the right state of mind and stay on track with my own life.

This is the path that I have chosen to walk.
It may be alone, but I have friends, I can handle it. Loves not even that important, it may get you through the night, but it doenst pay the bills.

Quote:

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The past is the past, leave it at that. The things I did and said was because I was unable to except that it was over am I right? So now I accept it finally and I get pennalized? Common. At least I'm moving on here...

---

Don't be so defensive, the whole point is how to handle your emotions with positive actions, not the impulsive rants that come from your keyboard. More thoughts before actions. It's a process that takes time and practice.

Also, its good that you are moving on and wise to take a break for a while too but you might want to change what you listed on your profile under experience since it currently reads:

Quote:

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I love my girl all I need is help to keep her! I want her that's all there is.

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I would have pm'd you privately but you have that feature shut off.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Could it be that your "picker" is broken? It stands to reason that if you manage to only select the unfaithful ones among a wide range of women, then it has something to do with you. How else can you explain that there are honest women in the world and you don't seem to ever hook up with them? Maybe that's worth taking a closer look at-- just a thought meant to be helpful. You're right about growing up doesn't happen overnight but it is facilitated by a willingness to look at self.

---

My picker? Never thought I had one, I just thought that life throws these people at you, which are complete strangers,then love steps in. and in order for you to absolutley know if this person is right for you, you HAVE to BUILD a relationship with them.

I don't know I might be mistaken.

And I am willing to take a closer look at myself, I've been doing it the whole time. And I know what I've been doing was wrong and acknowledge that.

But look at it this way, would I even be here if I wasn't in a relationship at all?

?? please correct me if I'm wrong??

Quote:

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Also, its good that you are moving on and wise to take a break for a while too but you might want to change what you listed on your profile under experience since it currently reads:

I would have pm'd you privately but you have that feature shut off.

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Oh shoot lol that's my bad on my part lol sorry about that ill change that right now. Lol that's probably why people think I'm lying! Lol

Quote:

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

and chuff you are absolutley right, i agree with everything you say because its all true,
but look at it like this for a moment, why keep wasting time trying to search for the right woman when you know there are more mistakes to be made ahead? i know that i wont find the "perfect " woman because they dont exsist, they might be 10 times better than the one ive been with, but i know that there WILL be problems, which is where the turning point takes place in the relationship. so instead of wondering if we will be stong enough to go through the fire, why not just not go through it at all?

i mean theres tons of stuff i can do single that you can't do in relationships, but the only downfall for me is the "love" part of it. love is a wonderful thing, but like anything else, it can also corrupt, it is also an irrational emotion that can't be controlled, you already seen what love has done to me correct? youve seen the rant, youve seen the foolishness, and the childish things ive dont out of anger. honestly people can live without love. they do it all the time.

so i choose not to, not because im a coward or because im not being honest with myself, only because ive chosen not to get hurt anymore. id rather have all the material things in the world, than to devote myself to a person that i have to build a realationship with in order to be able to trust the person. and even then, it can be years of a great relationship,but there WILL be problems. which is why ive chosen to stay as far away from relationships as possible, so i can stay in the right state of mind and stay on track with my own life.

this is the path that i have chosen to walk.
It may be alone, but i have friends, i can handle it. loves not even that important, it may get you through the night, but it doenst pay the bills.

---

The 'Perfect Woman' does exist. I am married to her. And somewhere in the world there is the 'perfect woman' for you. However, I must add a caveat. When you find your perfect woman bear in mind that she may well be looking for the 'perfect man.'

True love pays the bills of a happy life and keeps the light of life, optimism, hope, and peace of mind glowing brightly and steady adown the years.

Never give up on yourself or on your search for happiness. It is available.

Wishing you all the best.


M:)RGANITE

Quote:

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

:( ok guys ima give it to you straight, im a brotha that has a caucasion girl friend, well had. We've been together for 4 years, im a Saggitarrius, and shes a Pises.
I love this girl so much! I made the mistake of trying to keep her in check by saying i want to break up, When i dont mean it at all! I never wanted to break up with her, I love her! I know, terrible thing to do, but u have to understand, she has hurt me so many times and i kept looking back at the past.But for once in my life, im done looking back! i want to move on with her in my life! I finally understand! I just wanted to make her see that if she lost me, what would happen. And for a while, it worked. She kept comming back.And i took her back! But then one day, everything changed. She actually wanted to break up with me. For good this time. Then everything clicked in my head. why did i do this to her, the one i loved with a passion so deep. i must be stupid, so i pleaded with her to stay with me, but she wont. she keeps saying "I need time to think" and i keep telling her lets work through it! but she wont listen. She dwells on the past just like i did! and i told her! i said"J look, dwelling on the past has destroyed this relationship. Look at my mistakes, look at what has happened because of me looking back! Dont make the same mistake i did. Please, just let it go and lets just start ova!" But she wont. She can't let go of the past and start over with me, when its so easy, she just does'nt see it anymore, shes finally given up. I made her feel so low, we've been back and fourth struggling trying to keep our relationship alive, her mom hates me because im black and her family wont approve, my family up in new york loves her they think shes great but my family down south hates the fact that im going out with a white girl and they hate her. i love her to death and i dont care what any one thinks! But how can i try to make this work when she wont even let go of the past, she wont even try to make it work....I just wanted one more chance! I know i can make a difference! But she just wants "time to think" she thinks we should "seperate" and then she thinks we should be friends! I tried that for a lil and then i told her that i can't do it any more it hurts too much! seeing her and knowing i can't hug her or kiss her like i normally do!? come on!
i really messed this relationship up guys and i need help!

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Brother you made a complete mess of this relationship by not being honest and by jerking her around. Do you wonder that she got tired of being treated like this and ditched you? You have to show respect, commitment, honour, love, affection, interest, concern for her welfare, but all you did was play mind games with her to try to keep her under your control. That's a no-no, and you need to ditch that behaviour. Perhaps it is time for you to talk to your Momma and Poppa again and listen to them this time, huh? They will tell you what works and what doesn't.


Your life is at its beginning, not at its end, but unless you change your destructive behaviour you will continue to alienate those who love you. Have you seriously considered relationship counselling?



M:)RGANITE

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Don't be so defensive, the whole point is how to handle your emotions with positive actions, not the impulsive rants that come from your keyboard. More thoughts before actions. Its a process that takes time and practice.

---

See? That's what I meant by people giving up so easily. By covering things up and handling your emotions in a positive manner, the truth is, you can't handle your emotions, as I have proven this in a negative manner, I choose to let them rise surface as they see fit.

The only thing I'm changing is my perception on the situation.
I used to think that love will find a way no matter what.
But then I found out that I was wrong, so I've chosen to stay away from loves grasp before behaving irrational again.

Time and practice? Not needed. I feel better than I did when I was with her. 10 times better!
I could do backflips!

The point is, there's no point in risking your feelings by taking chances with a complete stranger, OK you might find the right on someday that will go through the fire with you all the way, but I choose not to risk it. Because chances are I won't find that person right away anyway.

Trial and error. I believe that's how someone put it.
But look at it this way,

?? with no trial, how can there be any error??

Correct me if I'm wrong.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Morganite

Brother you made a complete mess of this relationship by not being honest and by jerking her around. Do you wonder that she got tired of being treated like this and ditched you? You have to show respect, commitment, honour, love, affection, interest, concern for her welfare, but all you did was play mind games with her to try to keep her under your control. That's a no-no, and you need to ditch that behaviour. Perhaps it is time for you to talk to your Momma and Poppa again and listen to them this time, huh? They will tell you what works and what doesn't.


Your life is at its beginning, not at its end, but unless you change your destructive behaviour you will continue to alienate those who love you. Have you seriously considered relationship counselling?



M:)RGANITE

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Sigh... look its deeper than that, in the beginning everything was fine, why do I find myself repeating myself?

Anyway everything was fine,we loved each other everything was good blah blah blah, then there were problems, in the beginning she chose to give up, but then I stuck it out and I told her we could do it, then she kept messing up, and that's when I started making the rules that's when I did all that non sense, its not all my fault and its not all her fault, we were just too young to understand. We were on the path of destruction to begin with.

And look, I don't need relationship conseling, just because it worked for you doesn't mean that its going to work for everyone. I'm sorry, but I thought we were living in the real world, cause last time I checked, someone left me a post saying "lifes not a fairy tale, there are no happily ever afters".

Correct me if I'm wrong.

Just enjoy your relationship while you can, because there WILL be problems, and I hope that you guys are both willing to go through the fire, because if it's a BIG problem like cheating or somthin, I can garuntee that one of you is going to bail.

And then you will know if you are TRULY meant to be.
I put that on everything.

I just choose not to take the chance anymore.
?? If there is no trial, how can there be any error??

Correct me if I'm wrong.

Look everythings 2 ways in this world, good-evil,yin-yang,up-down,left-right,love-hate,optimisim-pesimisim...

Love can be a beautiful thing, but it can also corrut the mind, so honestly I see love as evil.Im being pesimistic I know,but this is the path I have chosen,to stay as far away from it as possible.

But that's just how I perceive it.

I've chosen to walk this path alone, but I'm pretty sure I can handle it.

You know the crazything about this comment? People were telling me that you shouldn't put your lover first, because you run into dependency problems, heh.

Seems to work for you though huh?

Loves just not meant for everyone, a select few, only because they are strong and can get though the fire, I admire that, but id rather just not take another chance, cause I know there's going to be a lot more trials and a lot more errors.

?? If there is no trial, how can there be any error??

Quote:

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

and chuff you are absolutley right, i agree with everything you say because its all true,
but look at it like this for a moment, why keep wasting time trying to search for the right woman when you know there are more mistakes to be made ahead?

---

Then why get out of bed in the morning? You make mistakes every single day. I make them every single day. Jeez dude, I’m at the library right now, and I brought my bag with that I carry my laptop, only problem was I forgot to put the computer in it. I had to run home for that. Then I got here for the second time and realized I forgot some information I needed so I had to go back home again. I’m already worked up over that but that stuff happens in life. I’m not trying to equate that losing a girlfriend but I’m just trying to say life is never perfect. Life will never be perfect. Your going to get mistreated by people in life that do know you and don’t know you. But other people’s negative behavior can’t be a reason to give up or continue with your own negative behavior.

Again, your hurting and it’s going to hurt for some time. I won’t lie to you about that. But I said this before, and I’m going to say it again. Your already ahead of most people your age, because your searching for an answer. Your searching for something. I’m here to tell you your going to have some rough struggles in your life. That’s reality. How you approach them and overcome them is up to you. But you can start developing positive strategies now that will make a world of difference for the future.

After I got dumped from a 3 year relationship when I was either 21 or 22 I was talking just like you were. But I’ve had some girlfriends since then and the break ups have always been easier. The relationships might have gone better too if I had searched out answers as opposed to doing the same things over and over again, which is where you have a total advantage over me. Your young, and your willing to learn. Like me, you also sound hard headed so that’s going to be a challenge, and it’s one I deal with from time to time but it’s not something that has to stop you from enjoying life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

i know that i wont find the "perfect " woman because they dont exsist, they might be 10 times better than the one ive been with, but i know that there WILL be problems, which is where the turning point takes place in the relationship. so instead of wondering if we will be stong enough to go through the fire, why not just not go through it at all?

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Well that’s your choice and I’m not going to disagree with it. I say all the time, “I’d rather be happy and be single then to be with some one and be miserable.” If that applies to you then do. But what I guess I’m really saying is don’t let one woman or situation stop you from moving forward.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

i mean theres tons of stuff i can do single that you can't do in relationships, but the only downfall for me is the "love" part of it. love is a wonderful thing, but like anything else, it can also corrupt, it is also an irrational emotion that can't be controlled, you already seen what love has done to me correct? youve seen the rant, youve seen the foolishness, and the childish things ive done out of anger. honestly people can live without love. they do it all the time.

---

They sure do, and if you happier that way, go that direction.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

so i choose not to, not because im a coward

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In no way do I think you’re a coward, nor did I see anybody else call you a coward but if that‘s the case they are flat out wrong. You‘ve made some mistakes but you at least facing them and being open about it which is pretty damn respectable if you ask me. In fact, as I’ve said before I think you’ve got something different than most people because you have a willingness to learn. Quite honestly I wish I had that when I was 21. Your still emotional but you are coming back and in all these posts your asking questions, getting answers, and hopefully evaluating what happened and how to improve. You may not be perfect, but you are definitely not a coward, and you choose to live alone then do it but have fun and don’t beat yourself up for it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

or because im not being honest with myself, only because ive chosen not to get hurt anymore. id rather have all the material things in the world, than to devote myself to a person that i have to build a realationship with in order to be able to trust the person. and even then, it can be years of a great relationship,but there WILL be problems. which is why ive chosen to stay as far away from relationships as possible, so i can stay in the right state of mind and stay on track with my own life.

this is the path that i have chosen to walk.
It may be alone, but i have friends, i can handle it. loves not even that important, it may get you through the night, but it doenst pay the bills.

---

Well if that’s the path you choose have fun with it. But also understand your young and in time this pain will wear off. When that does, all I’m suggesting is that you build a better inner self so that you will handle life’s difficult path’s with greater ease.

I tried to read all of this but found it hard with all the negative replies to good, honest and genuine advice.

alizeblu, I know it is no consolation but you aren't the first guy to have more than one relationship break down. Lots of people go through many many relationships before they find one that is meant for them. Just because you have had a bit of a rough trot doesn't mean you give up. What a weak and pathetic attitude and in my opinion is probably an indication as to why these things keep happening to you.

You are trying to blame everyone else for your problems which, I'm not denying that a lot of the blame must lie with these cheaters, but you also have to shoulder some fault and accept it and learn from it. And so far you have showed that you have learnt nothing other than how to be bitter and twisted. And trust me here when I say that the path that those emotions will lead you down won't be worth it and will be very unpleasant.

You said some interesting things in your replies that reflect a lot of what you have to learn.

When Val suggested that perhaps your "picker" was a little broken you responded that you didn't know you had one. Fair enough mistake to make in my opinion. But the fact is that you do have a picker. You do control who you let in to your life and how far you let them in. You also responded to someone else about not having control of your emotions. Well to a certain extent yes you are right. But again you are also wrong. You will learn. Just like all of us here have that you do have control of your emotions. These painful times teach you that. We learn the hard way.

Ultimately it is us who controls ourselves. No one else. Sure they impact on us, but we still have control. We control how much and who we give ourselves to. So it is important that we are careful and selective in who and how much we give. You can't blame anyone else for giving too much of yourself to someone else and then it back firing. That's you alone my friend.

And you also must learn that when negative things happen in your life, although the instinctive response is to be negative and angry yourself, it is the one response that will help matters the least. You need to learn to control that anger and use it in a positive manner.

It is all learning and you will understand in time. Heck, I was exactly like you are not too long ago, but with each setback if we are smart enough and willing to there are some great lessons to learn. The way your acting at the moment indicates you aren't willing to learn these lessons.

But you seem like a pretty smart guy and I would like to think that it is still just the rubbish in you talking all this crap. Soon enough I'm sure you will agree with me. And if not it would all have been a complete waste of time.

You said you didn't know about having a "picker"-- we all have one. That you didn't realise you do means there is a possibility you don't know other things about you (or people in general). Learn more about this topic and relationships (of all kinds) will become much easier, I promise. There are quite a few people here who know a great deal about how people operate and you are certainly welcome to learn from them.

I agree with Skell. It seems you take two steps forward (which is good) but you may also take three steps back (which would not be good). There is no need to be defensive. A reasonable part of exploring solutions to any problems is looking at how someone is thinking, feeling and behaving.

Maybe drop that "yeah but" response style? I was told once that everything after that kind of "but" is bull. When I stopped and looked at it objectively (once I got past my initial hrrrmph LOL) they were right! It stopped then and there-- opened up new vistas of learning for me. Could do the same for you. Just a thought meant to be helpful.

OK umm lets clear this "picker" situation up right now. Guys, you have no "picker".

Let me elaborate, I don't go around choosing women that's going to cheat on me intentionally, I think that would be kind of stupid, you know what I mean?

I choose women carefully, I mean that's obvious seeing that I've been hurt multiple times right? Why would I go out and intentionally search for a woman that's going to cheat on me a couple years into tha relationship? No I don't think a "picker" has anything to do with ending up with the wrong women.

I believe that I find good women, its just that you never really know the person until you build that relationship. And that's what I used to do, I fell in love with women that I believed were good women, which they were, its just that they were all weak when I really got to know them.

(ONE PROBLEM)- and they go nuts, get confused, cheat or just plain bail out. All the women I've been with cheated. I consider this weak, which means love wasn't as strong as I was led to believe. Correct? I mean I WAS willing to get through the problems, I would try,
The only reason I'm giving up on love is because I don't believe its meant for me. Loves only meant for a select few, the STRONG.

So I just coose not to deal with it. I'm happier this way. Pesimistic, yes, but I choose this perspective of my own free will.

So I'm not blaming anyone that I'm like this, I made me like this. You know why? Because I learned that when the fire gets a little hott in relationships people bail, then cover it up like they didn't need the person anyway, but on the other side you couldve worked things out,which wouldve been HARDER, but people tend to lean more towards giving up and moving on, which is EASIER, which I don't knock because its in our nature, we do tend to lean toward the easier side to cover up our pain, it's a natural defense.

But I'm done trying to decide which side to lean on, I just want to leave both sides alone and just watch other people from the sidelines, knowing good and well that eventually its going to end.

And then they are going to be back where they started,

... < an empty glass>...

Do you realise the more you rant and rave, and talk of nothing but your hurtfeelings you show us all, that not only are you hurt but know nothing about how to deal with thee hurt or anything else about how the hurt came about and what does it do to you. All you know is hurt. So stop ranting and listen for a change and you may figure this out without running head long into a brick wall... Again. What Val referred to as a picker is something we all have, and that is enough info to make a reasonable decision based on fact, and not some emotional notion. For it to work properly you must be healthy, mature and experienced in the science of knowing yourself well enough as not to be fooled by BS. Knowing yourself is the key ingredient by the way which is, if your paying attention exactly what you need to know, so an honest look at yourself is in order. I know its easier to rant and rave and talk like a lunatic, but roll up your sleeves, and take an honest look at who you are and learn what you are about.

Alizeblu its time to treat this whole stage in your life as a learning experience. Learn from it! Become a new person and forgive the past and move in with the future. There awaits a new life. Do you want to look back on your life when your 80 and think what the hell was I doing? All the things I could have done, seen or become... Common pick yourself up and get a new direction in your life. Workout, do something! Join the club of broken hearts and learn from it and help others here with what you have learnt.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Do you realise the more you rant and rave, and talk of nothing but your hurtfeelings you show us all, that not only are you hurt but know nothing about how to deal with thee hurt or anything else about how the hurt came about and what does it do to you. All you know is hurt. So stop ranting and listen for a change and you may figure this out without running head long into a brick wall .... Again. What Val referred to as a picker is something we all have, and that is enough info to make a reasonable decision based on fact, and not some emotional notion. For it to work properly you must be healthy, mature and experienced in the science of knowing your self well enough as not to be fooled by BS. Knowing yourself is the key ingredient by the way which is, if your paying attention exactly what you need to know, so an honest look at yourself is in order. I know its easier to rant and rave and talk like a lunatic, but roll up your sleeves, and take an honest look at who you are and learn what you are about.

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What are you talking about? Who's ranting and raving?

Let me ask you a question,

How do you look at a glass with half a drink in it?

Half empty or half full?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jiser

Alizeblu its time to treat this whole stage in your life as a learning experience. Learn from it! Become a new person and forgive the past and move in with the future. There awaits a new life. Do you want to look back on ur life when your 80 and think what the hell was I doing? All the things I could have done, seen or become...Common pick yourself up and get a new direction in your life. Workout, do something! Join the club of broken hearts and learn from it and help others here with what you have learnt.

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Umm I thought I was doing that by being on here chattin it up with you guys?
Look I went in search of an answer and I found it, just because you don't like my perspective, doesn't mean I didn't learn anything.

Why do I find myself repeating myself?

OK let me explain once more,

OK ill start from the beginning, I've been hurt about... 20 times, k?
OK so instead of sitting here ranting and raving about how I'm never going to give up on the one I love,when I know its over, I've come to the conclusion that in order to maintain a healthy relationship it takes 2 to go through the good times and the bad times.In healthy relationships when problems arise couples work together to get past the problem, to build a better foundation for their relationship. Every time I'm willing to go through the bad times, the one I'm with either cheats or bails,which means the relationship is over because ultimatley it takes 2 to succeed in a relationship. Instead of dwelling on the situation I've chosen to search for the ultimate answer of what I should do when I've lost the one that I loved.changing my negative energy into positive,which means,learning from you guys on here. Correct? So obviously I'm not in a state of anger nor any other emotion is clouding my judgement on the topic.

I've come to the conclusion that everyone's different but all relationships are the same.
In order for me to maintain a fun healthy relationship, I need time to mature, and make more mistakes, and learn about myself before entering another one. And also heal from my last relationship.in order to heal from my last realationship Ishould direct my energys into doing something positive like running, or taking boxing lessons, basically build yourself up before going back to searching for the right one.

K you all know this because this is the advice I've been given correct? OK...

Here's my thing though, I've chosen not to take the path of finding the right one for me.

Instead, I've chosen to just stay single. OK so I've given up on love, but that's my decision.

I've chosen not to go out and search for a reason, I stongly believe it is a meaningless search.

Let me explain why, lets use your "picker" for instance. And I find a woman that is smart, kind,well basically my ideal girlfriend that I want to be with for a while k? So I find this girl and we make it work for a while,lets say about 6 years, and everythings going great. Then something happens, I don't know lets make something up, uhh... she wants to see other people for some reason. OK there it is right there, "the problem", its going to happen right? Its inevitable because all relationships go through problems, to prove how strong their love for each other really is. Makes you or breaks you. Here's where you have the choice, you can either keep searching and searching becoming more efficient at what you do because at the same time you're learning from every situation that you encounter.you can keep doing that until you hit the jackpot, or you can stop buying lottery tikets.

I've chosen to stop buying tikets.

In our scociety today, divorce is common, friends with benefits is common, sex without emotional attachment is common(1 night stands) and break ups are common. This is the scociety we live in today.

I've chosen to believe that true love nolonger exsits and is only a thigment of our imagination.

I think that this true love idea is a con to keep people searching for something that really doesn't exsist, ultimatley leaving people with hope for the future when in reality, the only hope you need comes from within yourself.

And like I said, people that actually have this "true love" is a select few with a STRONG belief that they are going to make it work no matter what, which is true love.

But honestly I still believe they are blinded, and this will ultimatley be their downfall.

Right? Because it happened to me. I loved her, she needed a break, I gave it to her, come to find out the reason she needed a break was to cover up the fact that she's been cheating on me all this time,but blinded by love, I never thought she would do it, but she did.

Ultimatley, leading to my downfall. Which won't happen again.