Hello all,

I have read quite a few of the longer discussions which have taken place here, and I hope that you can help me with mine.

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for just shy of 3 years. Last week, she told me that she didn't feel for me as she used to, she just didn't think that she loved me as much as I love her.

Soon after that, she told me she thought it was so stupid, and she made a huge mistake. I took her back, because it was all that I wanted. Now, a week later, she has told me she still has that feeling in the back of her mind, and she can't shake it.

I know the reason she came back to me the first time is because everyone she talked to told her it was a mistake -- including her family and some of her friends. They told her that she would not find someone as good as me, and why would she want to leave me.

Now, she has told me that she wants a break again, and her reason is so that "she can be by herself becuase she doesn't know what it would be like to live without me". The problem is, I thought we were perfect.

My main concerns are these:

It seems since she has gone to school, she has become more social and this might have something to do with why she wants a break. She told me that the thought of the possibility of being with a specific person has crossed her mind, but also swore to me she couldn't see herself with him. She says she just wants time to hink and be by herself.

Also, this Friday night, we were planning on seeing each other, as I was going to go to her school and stay overnight. We still have plans to see each other, though all communication between us until then is at a bare minimum. I don't know what I should do when I see her. I think that if I tell her how I really feel, and break down, she will take me back, though this might be just because she feels bad. I know that shouldn't be what I want, but I am willing to do anything at this point.

One last troubling part of this whole thing is that I asked her this morning if she was sad, and she told me that sad wasn't the word, it was more confusion. Hearing this almost made me break down in class. For the last week between the first time this happened and now, we seemed perfect. I asked her once "Will you stay with me forever" and she responded, "of course". Thinking back on that now, all I want to do is die, beucase I am so afraid that I won't have that again.

She has promised me that when she sees me Friday she will go into with an open mind, and we will try to talk about things then. I know this is only a 2 or 3 day break, but it is my sincere hope that she misses me.

When I see her, should I bring her flowers or do anything to try to win her back? I told her I was planning on bringing her flowers originally (before she told me this) and she said that she didn't want that, bcause it would just make her decisions harder.

I am sorry for writing so much, but I feel like I can't survive.

Somebody please help me :(

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sypher373

Hello all,

I have read quite a few of the longer discussions which have taken place here, and I hope that you can help me with mine.

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for just shy of 3 years. Last week, she told me that she didn't feel for me as she used to, she just didnt think that she loved me as much as I love her.

Soon after that, she told me she thought it was so stupid, and she made a huge mistake. I took her back, because it was all that I wanted. Now, a week later, she has told me she still has that feeling in the back of her mind, and she can't shake it.

I know the reason she came back to me the first time is because everyone she talked to told her it was a mistake -- including her family and some of her friends. They told her that she would not find someone as good as me, and why would she want to leave me.

Now, she has told me that she wants a break again, and her reason is so that "she can be by herself becuase she doesn't know what it would be like to live without me". The problem is, i thought we were perfect.

My main concerns are these:

It seems since she has gone to school, she has become more social and this might have something to do with why she wants a break. She told me that the thought of the possibility of being with a specific person has crossed her mind, but also swore to me she couldn't see herself with him. She says she just wants time to hink and be by herself.

Also, this friday night, we were planning on seeing each other, as i was going to go to her school and stay overnight. We still have plans to see each other, though all communication between us until then is at a bare minimum. I don't know what I should do when I see her. I think that if i tell her how i really feel, and break down, she will take me back, though this might be just because she feels bad. I know that shouldn't be waht i want, but I am willing to do anything at this point.

One last troubling part of this whole thing is that I asked her this morning if she was sad, and she told me that sad wasn't the word, it was more confusion. Hearing this almost made me break down in class. for the last week between the first time this happened and now, we seemed perfect. I asked her once "Will you stay with me forever" and she responded, "of course". Thinking back on that now, all I want to do is die, beucase I am so afraid that I wont have that again.

She has promised me that when she sees me friday she will go into with an open mind, and we will try to talk about things then. I know this is only a 2 or 3 day break, but it is my sincere hope that she misses me.

When I see her, should I bring her flowers or do anything to try to win her back? I told her I was planning on bringing her flowers originally (before she told me this) and she said that she didnt want that, bcause it would just make her decisions harder.

I am sorry for writing so much, but i feel like I can't survive.

Somebody please help me :(

---

Mate this happened to me I know you still love her I know what it is like its hard to do but leave and forget about it

This is something else that I forgot to mention...

When this has happened before, I had broken down and I could not keep no contact with her. I needed to call her, and I did. I ended up calling her crying at 5am, and I am afraid that had to do with her taking me back.

This time, I made sure that I did not contact her, but what confuses me is that she contacted me this morning. She sent me a message that said "I just want to see how your doing". Should I take this to mean she's thinking about me? Should I play tough and act like nothing is wrong? Should I bear my soul and tell her how I really feel?

Thank you

I think that maybe if she wants you guys should break up and stay broke up are you sure you didn't do anything wrong lol u can get better than her if she keeps doing that but if you really like her that much and you want her back I think you should still take those flowers and maybe act like what she said never was said or you can act like you don't care and that makes people real mad lol

Not to sound rude, but you sound like you might need her and are a bit clingy, if you really want her act like you don't care and if she comes running back its because you looked like you were fine with out her, I am a girl I am telling you the truth, when guys do that type of stuff it makes us feel unwanted and we want to be wanted again, if she doesn't come running back she didn't care in the first place.. good luck and act like your not worried about what decision she makes.

Honestly, this sounds like one of those situations where you need to give her exactly what she wants and not look back. Disappear.

She doesn't want to know how you're doing. She's being selfish. When she asks how your'e doing, give a noncommital answer. You tell her the truth and she'll become disgusted with you - not overwhelmingly so, but she's probably lost a lot of respect for you all ready. Not fair, is it? Yet that's the way it is. For some bizarre reason, young women find sincerity of feeling to be somewhat repulsive, despite what she may otherwise tell you. Basically this is the point in your life where you're going to have to realize that despite what all the songs have said, and what many other women have told you with seeming sincerity, she wants something else. She wants someone who cares about her a lot less than you do - frankly, she finds the fact that you care so much to be a little icky. That you would do anything? Pathetic. That much is clear from her actions. If she really cared, as you did, she wouldn't be doing this to you - she cares about herself more than she cares about you.

I suggest you follow her lead. Doing anything else will just piss her off.

But do what you feel is best...

Disappear for a while - 3 months. Leave her alone - be busy.

No wants a needy cry baby - YUCK!! Puke!!

Thanks for the advice guys,
I'm doing my best.

Right now it feels like I can't even get out of bed.
At this point all I want is her to miss me, and for her to think it was a mistake, and it seems in my mind that if I call her, it would make her miss me.

Though the more I think about it, is exactly the opposite true? Should I really try to act like nothing is wrong so that she misses me? If I call her it makes her feel as if I am not really gone?

Thanks

No, if you call her, it makes her resent you attempting to manipulate her emotions. Do nothing. Stick to yourself - you'll be more happy in the long run.

I don't know how many of these answers are from females, but I will say - from a woman's point of view- you need to get rid of her. She is not interested in you. As a matter of fact, she's probably dating someone else on the sneak. That's why she's confused. She doesn't want you but her family is telling her she must be crazy because you're such a sweet guy. She's really not interested in what you're doing when she calls and asks you that. She just wants to make sure you're still sitting around wanting to be with her. Just in case it doesn't work out with the other guy. So please, I know it hurts, but you need to pick up the pieces and move on with your life - WITHOUT HER!

Well this is still very early, but today she has contacted me twice, and neither time had I initiated the contact. The first time I was open and honest about what was wrong and how much I was hurting, but the second time I just told her I was doing my best to understand her point of view and I was willing to giver her time and space like she asked for.

Is this the wrong thing to do? I don't want to ignore her, despite what is going I still care deeply for her.

Do to her as she is doing to you! Your telling her your hurt by her actions and she is still calling to make sure your there and haven't moved on! SHE IS NOT CARING ABOUT YOU AT ALL! She is being selfish wants her cake n eat it too! Actually she wants you to make her her cake, bring it to her and feed it to her! Please do not let this girl control you or your emotions, she is doing this on purpose and everybody on here is telling you the same thing! LEAVE HER ALONE, SHE IS NOT IN TO YOU AT ALL! SORRY BUT IT IS SO SAD AND TRUE!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sypher373

Hello all,

I have read quite a few of the longer discussions which have taken place here, and I hope that you can help me with mine.

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for just shy of 3 years. Last week, she told me that she didn't feel for me as she used to, she just didnt think that she loved me as much as I love her.

Soon after that, she told me she thought it was so stupid, and she made a huge mistake. I took her back, because it was all that I wanted. Now, a week later, she has told me she still has that feeling in the back of her mind, and she can't shake it.

I know the reason she came back to me the first time is because everyone she talked to told her it was a mistake -- including her family and some of her friends. They told her that she would not find someone as good as me, and why would she want to leave me.

Now, she has told me that she wants a break again, and her reason is so that "she can be by herself becuase she doesn't know what it would be like to live without me". The problem is, i thought we were perfect.

My main concerns are these:

It seems since she has gone to school, she has become more social and this might have something to do with why she wants a break. She told me that the thought of the possibility of being with a specific person has crossed her mind, but also swore to me she couldn't see herself with him. She says she just wants time to hink and be by herself.

Also, this friday night, we were planning on seeing each other, as i was going to go to her school and stay overnight. We still have plans to see each other, though all communication between us until then is at a bare minimum. I don't know what I should do when I see her. I think that if i tell her how i really feel, and break down, she will take me back, though this might be just because she feels bad. I know that shouldn't be waht i want, but I am willing to do anything at this point.

One last troubling part of this whole thing is that I asked her this morning if she was sad, and she told me that sad wasn't the word, it was more confusion. Hearing this almost made me break down in class. for the last week between the first time this happened and now, we seemed perfect. I asked her once "Will you stay with me forever" and she responded, "of course". Thinking back on that now, all I want to do is die, beucase I am so afraid that I wont have that again.

She has promised me that when she sees me friday she will go into with an open mind, and we will try to talk about things then. I know this is only a 2 or 3 day break, but it is my sincere hope that she misses me.

When I see her, should I bring her flowers or do anything to try to win her back? I told her I was planning on bringing her flowers originally (before she told me this) and she said that she didnt want that, bcause it would just make her decisions harder.

I am sorry for writing so much, but i feel like I can't survive.

Somebody please help me :(

---

Joe, your question is the first question that caught my eye. I think she is trying to tell you something but just doesn't want to hurt you. I am in a relationship where I feel suffocated. I have lost a lot of respect for my "fiance" because he is so clingy. When I want time to myself to think it's because I can't stand to be around him because he's always saying things like, "what did I do wrong?" "I'll change." I know I sound like a horrible person but I cannot stand to see such insecurities in a person. I told him in the beginning that sometimes I just like to be alone. I am a very introspective person, I have daughters and sometimes I just need to be with my fam and friends. He even gets a little unsettled when I go out for coffee with a g/f. How long are you going to be?? Kind've kills my coffee mood. I am trying the same thing your g/f is doing. I want to be alone because I realized I don't love him but he gets so upset when I approach the subject that I feel bad and try to ignore his clinginess which makes me real unhappy and depressed. I am in a relationship I don't want to be in because I don't want to hurt this man. Let her go please, she's probably suffocating, be a man and walk away while she still has a little respect for you. Don't take her back because she really is confused but she knows - she just can't break the connection. It's not love that keeps her with you - it's guilt.

ntanis - have you told your finace this?? He's not a mind reader. I am sure he's pushing you away AND he doesn't know any better - SOOOO he comes on stronger. Happens all the time. You need to tell him everyhting - AND tell him you need space and he better shape up!!

Hey man,

I know exactly how you feel. I know that its eating up like crazy but if you honestly want this girl and want to better your chances of getting her back, then you got to let go for a while. I know that's crazy hard, but you got to let her do her thing rite now. The more you beg, cry, and plead(like I did), the HARDER it is to get her back, possibly never at all.

So if you still want to have some sort of chance with her:
This won't work if she never had feelings for you.

1. Give her what she wants, if it's a break/break up, do it!
2. Don't cry, look strong, even if your dying like crazy inside.
3. Don't call, text, message, email, let her miss you.
4. In the meantime, chill with friends, family, and I know its hard, but try to get your mind off it.

Remember, nothing in life is guaranteeed. I probably stole this qoute from somewhere, but it means a lot:

If you love someone, let them go.
If they come back, they're yours.
If they don't, they were never yours.

Take it easy bro.

Thanks a lot guys,

I am doing my best, and I still talk to her because she talks to me. She says she can't bear to just cut everything off. It might not be smart, but I am not going to ignore her if she calls. I want to be here for her, and I am hoping that I can be here for her, and at the same time get over her. I think I have finally come to grips with the fact that its over, at least for now. She needs her space and I tell her that I understand, and that she needs to do what she needs to do.

I have been totally honest about it, and I have told her that I don't want to make her feel bad, because if she changes her mind, she needs to do it on her own. For the time being, I am not initiating any of the conversatiosn (as best I can anyway), and just being here when she needs to talk to me.

Thanks again for all the advice, it really helps.

Whether she comes back or not is not the issue. You getting a life you enjoy and learning to be happy with out her is the issue here. To sit and mope and lose that lust for life, is not healthy and only you can be in control of your reactions now, as it has nothing to do with her, but you dealing with your own issues. That's what this time is for, you getting you together without her or even if she comes back, it will never work with you depending on her for a life. Roll out of bed and get busy getting yourself healthy.

Well guys,

I have a bit of an update.
At this point, I have stopped contacting her, though when she calls me, I will talk to her, "as a friend". I want to be here for her, because I still care for her, and I believe she still cares for me. The thing is, she says her feeligns aren't as strong as they used to be, but I firmly believe she still does care about me as a person.

So for the time being, I will continue to not contact her, but will be available for her if she needs to talk to me. I figure there is no better way to show that I am not bitter than to be a supporting friend.

One issue I have been having lately is that I cannot help but imagine her happy with someone else. She has sworn to me that she is not looking for someone else, and I am sure she isn't lying to me, but the possibility that she may with someone else down the road kills me. Is this normal? Most of the time, I can get along fine, but these certain images which enter my head kill me :(

Thanks for the all the help guys...

I know that was fast, but I'm back again...

Just minutes after I made my last posting, I got a message from her saying that she really wanted to talk to me tonight. She was telling me that she feels like she "can't live without me". I have to admit that I felt good hearing this, but in the back of my mind all day is that she is just upset, and I know she still wants to have her space. But I don't understand why she is coming to me if she wants her space.

If this leads to her saying it was a mistake, It is going to be hard for me to take her back, because I am so afraid of being hurt like this again. I am doing my best to not get optimistic about this, and telling myself even if she does want to get back together, I am going to need to some to decide if I can do that.

In the meantime, until she talks to me tonight, I am pretty confused over the whole thing. I am afraid that she may tell me later that she feels much better after being out all day, or that it was just a "slip-up" and she's not upset anymore. I just don't want to get optimistic to talk to her.

Any thoughts of suggestions?

I don't think this is a time to conscede your position of power... You know you can get on without her now - time has made that clear to you. Tell her this much. Ask her why it would be in your best interests to put yourself back in a position of relying on her when you've become stronger otherwise. How can you know that things can or would ever be different? What can she do, through her actions and not her words, to show you that she can be trusted?

That's the avenue you need to follow. I'm even thinking that talking to her at all could be a mistake because it's quite possible that she worded her message to make you think what she wanted you to think, in order to get a reaction out of you. She may just say she wants to be friends, again, and then indicate that this is what she meant all the while with her message... Just she wanted to tell you that in person.

There's no way to know. Good luck with what's ahead of you.

I can sympathize with your situation as I went through something very similar with my ex girlfriend, where she was the one that wanted to end the relationship because she did not feel the same way anymore, but she kept contacting me, the reason she did it is because she wanted to make sure she had me to fall back on until she could make sure she could find someone else. From what it sounds like your ex is doing the same thing, if you allow her to do it to you then you will end up more hurt then you can possbiel imagine.

So therefore I would advise you to listin to what she has to say, but remind her that this was her decision and that if she stop feeling the same love for you once then it could easily happen again, so do NOT get back together with her, cut of communication with each other completely until you both can figure out exactly what you need from a relationship, because I don't believe you need each other right now.

Hope this helps you out and take it easy.

Good luck

Well thanks guys,

I am going to talk to her, and see what she has to say. I have a feeling she is just looking for some consolation, and I will give that to her. I don't want her to hurt anymore than she has to, but I want to let her know that it is not easy for me either.

I know in my head I have no intention of getting back with her, at least until I can be certain I am not going to get hurt again. The problem is, I am afraid what I know in my head, and what I feel inside are two different things. I just need to make sure that my mind wins out over what I feel/want :-\

Thanks again

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sypher373

Hello all,

I have read quite a few of the longer discussions which have taken place here, and I hope that you can help me with mine.

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for just shy of 3 years. Last week, she told me that she didn't feel for me as she used to, she just didnt think that she loved me as much as I love her.

Soon after that, she told me she thought it was so stupid, and she made a huge mistake. I took her back, because it was all that I wanted. Now, a week later, she has told me she still has that feeling in the back of her mind, and she can't shake it.

I know the reason she came back to me the first time is because everyone she talked to told her it was a mistake -- including her family and some of her friends. They told her that she would not find someone as good as me, and why would she want to leave me.

Now, she has told me that she wants a break again, and her reason is so that "she can be by herself becuase she doesn't know what it would be like to live without me". The problem is, i thought we were perfect.

My main concerns are these:

It seems since she has gone to school, she has become more social and this might have something to do with why she wants a break. She told me that the thought of the possibility of being with a specific person has crossed her mind, but also swore to me she couldn't see herself with him. She says she just wants time to hink and be by herself.

Also, this friday night, we were planning on seeing each other, as i was going to go to her school and stay overnight. We still have plans to see each other, though all communication between us until then is at a bare minimum. I don't know what I should do when I see her. I think that if i tell her how i really feel, and break down, she will take me back, though this might be just because she feels bad. I know that shouldn't be waht i want, but I am willing to do anything at this point.

One last troubling part of this whole thing is that I asked her this morning if she was sad, and she told me that sad wasn't the word, it was more confusion. Hearing this almost made me break down in class. for the last week between the first time this happened and now, we seemed perfect. I asked her once "Will you stay with me forever" and she responded, "of course". Thinking back on that now, all I want to do is die, beucase I am so afraid that I wont have that again.

She has promised me that when she sees me friday she will go into with an open mind, and we will try to talk about things then. I know this is only a 2 or 3 day break, but it is my sincere hope that she misses me.

When I see her, should I bring her flowers or do anything to try to win her back? I told her I was planning on bringing her flowers originally (before she told me this) and she said that she didnt want that, bcause it would just make her decisions harder.

I am sorry for writing so much, but i feel like I can't survive.

Somebody please help me :(

---

Well one more update for now...

We talked last night, and in the end I told her that I don't think she's being fair to her or me by still contacting me. I told her that she isn't giving herself the break she told me that she needed, and she will never find out what its going to be like without me if she keeps contacting me so often. I told her that I feel that by doing this, I am running any chance of her thinking this was a mistake.

So now, we are going to try to keep conversations to a minimum, I am going to continue not contacting her, and she will contact me only when she absolutely has to. What troubles me is she said that about one full day of talking, she doesn't know how much longer she can go without talking to me. I suppose I can try to make myself less available when she calls, but I don't want to ignore her either.

Do you guys think I'm going about this the right way?

I suppose this is a sort of follow-up to my original post.

My ex and I have been separated for some time, and I have not contacted her, though she seems to need to contact me often. That is besides the point of this post.

I feel that I am beginning to get over it. When I walk, I feel taller and better about myself that I used to. I no longer walk around feeling depressed and upset constantly -- not to say that I don't have my moments. Though overall, I am starting to see myself in a better light than I can remember for quite some time now.

The problem I have now is that I have visions of my ex being with other people and being happy with them. I know it is selfish for me to think that she won't move on to someone else, and she has told me she isn't looking for someone now, it just hurts for me to think of her having what we had, with someone else.

Are these thoughts normal? Is there something wrong with my head?

It is completely normal for you to feel this way. It is always hard to see someone with your ex, it is heartbreaking. However in time things will heal. Try to think positively, I know it is hard, thinking about it negatively will just wear you out.

My ex got together with someone just a couple few weeks after we broke up. It was really devastating.. I think I pretty much had a total melt down. I took about three days off from school and pretty much just cried.

On the other hand, the worst thing that could have happened is now over with. I feel like I've dealt with the worst of it and can finally move on. He was leading me on for a long time and him being with someone else let me see how he really felt about me.

I'm not sure what your situation is, if you're still talking to her or not. I think the best thing is just to make it so there's no way you can really find out if she's with someone else. If you do end up finding out that she has moved on, it will hurt, but you will get through it!

Well, she isn't with anyone else, and I have no reason to believe that she will be for a very long time. She is pretty upset about this, and I talked to her about not calling me as often, and she is taking it harder than I am, so I'm pretty confused. It seems like she still feels strongly for me, though she told me she didn't.

My mind is just playing tricks on me, and I think about the future too much.

Thanks for the input guys :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sypher373

I suppose this is a sort of follow-up to my original post.

My ex and I have been separated for some time, and I have not contacted her, though she seems to need to contact me often. That is besides the point of this post.

I feel that I am beginning to get over it. When I walk, I feel taller and better about myself that I used to. I no longer walk around feeling depressed and upset constantly -- not to say that I dont have my moments. Though overall, I am starting to see myself in a better light than I can remember for quite some time now.

The problem I have now is that I have visions of my ex being with other people and being happy with them. I know it is selfish for me to think that she wont move on to someone else, and she has told me she isnt looking for someone now, it just hurts for me to think of her having what we had, with someone else.

Are these thoughts normal? Is there something wrong with my head?

---

I think that anyone who has ever been in a failed relationship tries to comfort themselves by thinking that they are better off than their ex. It's completely natural because we are insecure beings. Of course more often than not it is much harder when the wounds are fresh but give it time and your feelings will level out.
Maybe her "need to contact you often" is the reason for you being upset when you think about her being happy with someone else. This act is making you feel like she still needs you and that you are the only one who she needs.
I think it was good for you to tell her that her calls weren't helping you mend. Honestly, the best person to look out for yourself is YOURSELF. You can't help her with her issues if you haven't dealt with them on your own.
My 2 cents.

entrepinoy, that was pretty much my line of thinking.

She messaged me again, and I am confused because she acts like she misses me. I don't know whether to think she truly misses me, or if she is just making sure I am still here waiting. Currently, I am trying to pull myself away so that I don't look despearate, and appear as I am waiting for her calls. I want to be here for her, but I don't want to let her think I am sitting here waiting to catch her if she falls.

She cut me out of her life, and she needs to accept that... am I right?

Specifically, Sypher, you need to accept it - cut her off. For the sake of maintaining a friendship with her, please do this. You're going to feel a lot of bitterness and resentment to her because of this (rightly so) and it's only going to lead to hurt if you allow her to stay in your life. 3 months at least. Go from there.

Absolutely normal.

Every girl I've loved and lost, whether I broke it off or she did, I've had these thoughts about to some degree. Obviously more when you are the one with the broken heart.

So yeah, it is absolutely normal. And it goes away.

Hell, I still wonder now and then if my ex-gf's think about me ever... and I'm a happily married man in a fantastic relationship whod never cheat.

You had a connection. It'll always be there. But at some point you stop thinking about what you are missing, and the fact they have moved on doesn't bug you.

Guys I'm back again :confused:

I have talked to my ex about not talking so much anymore, she agreed that she asked for space, and was talking to me, so she wasn't being fair to me. We both agreed that conversation should be kept to a bare minimum for a while, and then we can see what happens from there.

Two problems/questions. I have been keeping busy by going to the gym, watching TV, playing my guitar etc... But the problem is, I can't resist the temptation to check things such as her away messages and things. When I see it, like tonight, and there are things like... "Going out", I get upset. I know I shouldn't because it isn't my business, but I just feel like she is moving on without me. Now, she isn't a partying kind of person, and I'm sure she is probably just at a friends, or even her sister's house, but it still upsets me. Does anyone have any suggestions to keep my mind off this? Has anyone else ever been there?

The only other question I have is if is truly possible for ex-first-loves to remain friends after. I have heard from other people that your first true love always keeps a place in your heart, and I don't know if that will interefere with being friends. I understand the first step to being friends is minimizing contact, and that's where I am at. I am prepared to call her, and let her know when I would like to see her again, without any lingering feelings. Has anyone ever been on the other side of this, and remained good friends with a first love?

Thanks guys

Your last question is the most important one.

You can remain friends, if circumstances permit. You never truly forget any love, first or otherwise, and that can make things awkward down the line... there's always a hint of something there, even if it's just a bit of nostalgia. I'm still good friends with my second serious girlfriend, although I credit that to two things: we were very good friends before anything happened romantically, and there was always enough openness between us about everything that we never let ourselves get caught in any of the countless traps that pop up. Even so, we both have the lingering sexual attraction from before, and are open about its existence, though we never act on it. It took a while, but we're back to where we were before we got involved.

You need to get past wondering where she is. Stop looking at her away messages... take her off your buddy list if you have to. If you insist on not going no-contact, switch to non instant communications... e-mail and the like, rather than phone or IM... there's no expectation of an immediate response to an e-mail, and therefore no letdown when no response comes until later. I would recommend no contact for a while, though, at least until you get over your need to check up on her. Stay away from the computer, and turn your phone off when you are at home... those are your temptations. Do things away from those, such as reading a book.

Thanks for the advice,

I guess its pretty much stuff I know already, I just need that little kick in the pants to get myself going.

Thanks again

Nosnosna,

Just a quick question...

How did you handle it when you guys broke up? Did you go the NC route? Or were you able to remain "friendly" but not so often conversation throughout the whole time? Did you often get upset by the thought that she may be interested in someone else?

Short answer: I handled it poorly :)

The backstory: I had just gone off to college... 10 hour drive between home and school, so visiting wasn't exactly an easy thing to arrange. In our defense, her plan was to go to school in the same city I was going to (we arrived at our school choices completely separately, and they were 20 blocks apart), but the funding fell through for her and she ended up staying close to home. She came up to visit a couple of months into the semester, on her fall break weekend, and that's when she broke the news to me.

That was the point in my life that I got bitter. Really bitter, for quite a while... that's the phase in my life that I started the decline into alcoholism. She had already found somebody specific that she was interested in... that she didn't tell me any of this until the second night she was in town didn't help things. We didn't go no contact at all... we had been extremely good friends before anything happened, and that has stayed important to both of us throughout. We spoke on the phone about once a week for a while afterwards, and, being the (almost overly) caring person I am, I gave her advice and helped her with problems with her new relationship. It hurt like hell, and I wouldn't recommend that choice to anyone.

It took about a year to really get over it... I think it took longer than it would have if we'd been out of contact, because initially, it was just like rubbing salt in the wound. At her wedding reception three years, she told me I was the only other guy she ever even thought about marrying, and that if things had been even slightly different... but hypotheticals like that aren't worth spending too much time thinking about. It helps that I know she made the right choice: She ended up marrying the guy she left me for.

Well,

I am only about two weeks into this, but I can definitely relate to that. I would say the same thing about myself, I think I am a bit too caring. At this point, I am so caught up in just being her friend, and still being in her life somehow, that I will talk to her about her problems. I want to be there for her, and I tell myself in my head that I can talk to her and it doesn't affect how I feel about her anymore. I am starting to grow used to not having her around to talk to, and I can talk to her when she calls. Sometimes I doubt myself though. Its hard to find yourself in question like that -- enough to drive me insane.

Either way, I don't think I will ever go no contact with her. Im sure 99% of the people here will call that a stupid move, and call me naïve for saying I think she is different than a lot of the cases I read on here. I truly believe that she still cares for me, just not in such a romantic way.

Today has been a rough day. Its almost midnight here, and I am having trouble beucase I haven't heard from her all day. I think this is the first time we have gone a full 24 horus without a single text message or IM or anything. It hurts because I can't stop wondering what she is doing, who she is with, and if she's thinking about me. I know that is all self destructive thinking, but I can't help it. The thought of calling her just to say hi has crossed my mind dozens of times already tonight, but I promised myself, I won't initiate any contact, I will just let her come to me.

-I sure hope I can keep that promise :-(

UPDATE:

Just got a text from her actually.
I feel like a big jerk because she was actually sick and slept pretty much all night. She just asked how my day was going and "didnt want to go all day without talking". I didn't ever accuse her of anything, so she doesn't know I was so freaked, I don't want to let her know when I am, I just feel silly/stupid :(

Oh well...

You are going through the normal crap that it takes to get through this.

I had an awful breakup with my first love... partly cause I hung on waaaaaay too long when it was time to be done... so by the end I was frustrated that my trying didn't get me any further and she felt guilty for leading me on when I was pretty much volunteering to be led.

So in my case, years ago, I didn't do no contact until it was way too late... and that, in part, cost us our friendship. Don't get me wrong, she did some bad stuff and should own the lions share, but I think if I had handled my side differently, we could have been friends down the line.

So... how to keep busy and keep your mind off her. Its one day at a time, one hour at a time, etc... at first at least. I know you're sick of hearing that time helps, but it is true. Absolutely.

Now as far as you being friends and her always having a special place... I do think the first deep love is really unique... I am a very happily married man. But there are things about that first relationship that have never been duplicated. Does that mean it was better than others?

no.

Each relationship is unique. You just can't try to match one with another. You grow and learn and you are a different person in time.

So can you be friends. Sure. I honestly think it can happen. Should you be worried about that now? Not too much. When I say don't burn bridges and be as kind as possible to an ex or during a break I do not mean be a doormat. I mean be as civil as you can as long as you are being fair to yourself. That can always allow for friendship down the line, perhaps.

But I'm just not a big believer in counting on it. You can stall yourself from moving on, even if you are focused on the friendship. Again, been there. Guilty.

So what you are going through is normal. One step, man. Then one more.

Well its me again...

For those of you who read my previous posts, you know what I have been through lately, and I am just looking for a little more advice...

Since my girlfriend has asked me for space, I have refused to initiate any contact with her. However, I told her that I would be here for her, if she ever needed me. I told her that I will give her the space she wants, but if she needs to contact me, I won't ignore her...

Well, so far she has done a lot of contacting me. In the last two weeks, I don't think we have gone 24 hours without talking, but 95% of the contact was initiated by her? I don't know how to take this..

I refuse to let myself believe that this means she is changing her mind, and thinks it was a mistake to leave me. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment, I just don't understand what is going on... :(

She has called me more than once and told me that she is very upset, and sometimes feels like she is never going to feel better, or feels like she can't live without me. The best I can tell her is that this is what she wanted, and she has to deal with the consequences of her decision. I told her that I would be here for her to talk to, but I can't tell her that what she did was right or wrong, nor can I tell her if she will feel better. That truly depends on her feelings for me I believe...

Anyone have any insight?