I have been with my boyfriend a little over a year. We have our own place and no kids together. In the beginning he was all over me. Very affectionate, loving and the sex was GREAT. Now he won't even look at me, I can't remember the last time he kissed me and we only have sex when its convenient for him or if I give him oral and even then I feel like to him sex with me is a chore that I am FORCING him to do.

Every time I turn around he is watching porn. So I try to put on outfits and role play the things I see him watching and he laughs at me or makes me feel stupid. I have tried to talk to him and tell him how I feel but he tells me that I sound stupid and if he didn't love me or wasn't attracted to me he wouldn't be here. At this point I don't know what else to do!

Here's what to do: Get busy with your own life. Volunteer somewhere (hospital, animal shelter, library), join a book discussion group, take a cooking class, take up a new hobby, go to a nearby community college to pick up some classes in subjects you want to know more about.

Stop riding him about the porn and no sex and ignoring you. Give him a peck on the cheek as you go out the door to your next adventure and let him enjoy his time alone. Try that for a month or two, then let us know what's happening--how you're feeling about life.

How much time do you spend together when you aren't working/at school? How well do you communicate about other aspects of the relationship?

I think you need to follow Wondergirl's advice and make certain you have interests and things to do (not work or other obligations such as college) that give you time away from each other.

Do the two of you go out together? Do you still 'date'? If you don't, ask him out. 'Dating' shouldn't end just because you are living together.

How well do you communicate with each other about sex? I don't mean frequency. I mean fantasies, likes, dislikes, positions, toys, sharing erotica (including porn), etc. Do you flirt and tease each other when neither of you is expecting sex?

Look at how much emphasis you are putting on sex. Are you wanting it because it feels good and you want to have fun with him or are you pursuing it as a way to affirm he cares about you and wants you? If you think he feels like it is a 'chore', how do you really feel about it?

You've tried talking to him about how you feel. Try backing off (pressure to have sex can be one of the biggest limiters) for a few weeks. Then before bringing up emotions, share your observations on the relationship and sex. Ask him what he thinks. Ask him if he remembers when the last time he initiated a kiss or sex was. Ask him to think about the relationship and what he needs in it. Ask him if his needs are being met. Share your needs. If he is making you feel 'stupid' for trying to communicate, then tell him that he may not mean to but he is adding to the issues. Listen to each other and see if together you can find ways to improve the relationship. If you can't, then you have to decide if this is the relationship you want to be in.

If it isn't enjoyable for you, definitely back off and do things that are.

I am busy with my life I work 12 hours 4 days a week go to school and am a mother to a very active 6 year old. I think I am pretty busy but if you think me becoming more busy with my life will help with our intimacy issues, OK. But its not just about sex it's the whole thing kissing, and holding each other, being comforted and feeling safe. I know what I am and also what I am worth and I don't need ANYONE validating me. But what's the point of having a man here that doesn't pay me ANY attention in or out the bedroom unless its convenient for him. I love him and I don't want to walk away, but Im feeling very LONELY!

I have backed off and I haven't said anything, and I have suggested lets go out and have a date night because that's something we have not done. We do have a communication problem and its hard to talk sometimes but I still try. But I hear what you both are saying and I thank you for the advice.

Dump the jerk. He has found watching porn and masturbating easier than spending intimate time with you. Would you stay if he were an alcoholic or a drug addict? Probably not, so why stay with someone who is addicted to porn?

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Originally Posted by jaznjay05

... But its not just about sex its the whole thing kissing, and holding each other, being comforted and feeling safe. I know what I am and also what I am worth and I dont need ANYONE validating me. But whats the point of having a man here that doesnt pay me ANY attention in or out the bedroom unless its convienient for him. I love him and I dont want to walk away, but Im feeling very LONELY!

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I don't think this is about sex. Why don't you feel safe?

He doesn't comfort me when Im sad, calm me down when Im angry or stressed. When I ask him to lay with me or watch a movie he feels as if I am telling hiw what to do so he won't.I have tried everything, At this point I don't know what else to do other than walk away!!

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Originally Posted by 450donn

Dump the jerk. He has found watching porn and masturbating easier than spending intimate time with you. Would you stay if he were an alcoholic or a drug addict? Probably not, so why stay with someone who is addicted to porn?

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I think you have the right answer for the wrong reason.

I think he has fallen out of love with you. I think you have almost done the same with him. I also firmly believe that you're together because it is better than being alone.

It really sounds like he is emotionally abusing you. Not bad but it is still there. I think for your sanity and emotional stability you should cut your loses because I don't think it is going to get any better, and you deserve better.

Sometimes people put "us" in a position where we walk away... and they don't have to.

Maybe he wants out and so he's pushing you to make the first move.

Applause and a helpful for Cravenmorhead.

I have recently been laid off and so Im home a lot more than normal. He tells me that when I kiss on him every 20 minutes Im being clingy and needy. Im a very affectionate person, That's how I show I care. I don't know how to be any other way. I admit that sometimes I can be an attention hog, but there has to be a happy medium. I haven't fallen out of love, but I do feel as if he has and instead of being homest he is emotionally detaching hisself from me and its driving me freaking crazy. Its bad enough to be stressed about bills, but then Im tense because we barely have interaction. If I don't speak to him he will walk around as if I don't even exist. He is not a bad guy at all but if you love someone you are willing to go above and beyond to keep them happy. I don't know if I can walk away

If you can't walk away what do you see as the solution? What would you LIKE to happen?

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year and I feel as if the spark is gone. He gets irritated with me very quickly. He won't talk to me for days, but when I ask him what's wrong he tells me nothing. There is no affection, well laying on one side of the bed watching a movie to him is being affectionate. I feel like I make him mad when I give him little pecks on his cheek or lips, because he won't kiss on me. I try to back off and give him space but that doesn't seem to work either. When I try to communicate my feelings he tells me Im being clingy and he is not use to someone like me who wants attention all the time. In the beginning everything was so hot and heavy, I couldn't keep his eyes or hands off me, now I feel as if he is more interested in hanging with his peoples as he says and getting on the internet. Help am I doing something wrong?

Besides perhaps not knowing him well enough before you married him, But no, he should not be going out all the time hanging with his old friends, getting married means he has to commit to being married.

For me, my wife would give me a time out on the couch and lock me out of the bed room and cut any romance off for a while.

But you and he serious needs to get counseling, often you may have to even leave for a few days to make him wake up to his actions.

I would say move out for a week and see if he misses you are if he is glad you are gone.

I want there to be a happy medium. I want him to want me as much as I want him. I want him to open up and communicate with me, so we can fix what ever is going on with us. I want him to look at me, complimant me, hold me when Im in pain or wipe my tears when Im sad. There is a compromise, I understand he is not as affectionate as I, but like I said there is a happy medium. It shouldn't be me always compromising. I appreciate the fact that he is not out in the streets and he is faithful, but it takes more to be in a relationship than just being home all daY

We are not married, but we do live together. I have tried leaving for a few days. It seems as if he is happier when I am gone because I am so "clingy" he needs his space. He is not always out with his friends, but when he gets irritated with me he will leave for hours and Im assuming that's where he is. We have had some ups and downs and he feels because he is not doing what he use to do as far as getting numbers and sending and receiving nude pics that I should just be satisfied. Its not that Im not glad he is not doing those things anymore, but I just don't feel connected to him anymore and the more I try the worst things get.

For example, yesterday was easter we had a great day hanging out. I put my daughter to bed and Im excited for us to have some alone time. We start by watching a movie as I am laying next to him I begin to get excited so I started kissing on him to get him in the mood he tells me he is tired, so I back for a while and then I start up again, but this time Im giving him oral, so he is moaning and getting into it, after a while I stop and I lay back expeting him to do the same for me, he doesn't, now Im 125, 5'2 and he is about 160 and 5'8 big difference, I practically am straining myself to get him on top of me which he finally does then he starts giving me oral, but he is not into it at all, so I stop him, so I puul him up and he enters me Im trying to kiss on him,but he turns his head the opposite direction. When its over he sits up on the bed with his head in his hand like he is upset, I ask what's wrong he says nothing. I roll over to go to sleep and about 20 minutes later he is watching porn... So am I doing something wrong?

Now he is up getting dressed to leave and hasn't said one word to me but has been outside talking to the neighbors, Am I missing something here!!

When were you laid off?

What do you do to give yourself support emotionally and mentally?

Are you clinging to him? Do you show affection on the spur of the moment because it is what you feel or are you on some level begging him to give you affection and love back? When he doesn't return the 'affection' immediately what does that say to you? If he isn't 'all over you' do you think he loves you? When he backs off do you pursue or give him time?

How is relationship with your child? How is your relationship with yourself?

A book you might be interested in is Five Languages of Love. I haven't read it but those who have say that it has helped them to understand themselves and their partners better. It is about how people communicate in different ways. One person might communicate love through touching while another may communicate it by deeds or another by words.

What are you doing to hold his interest? The same thing from day one? Maybe he is bored?

Do something different, try something different, if he is not interested then move on. No point in trying to get something out of someone who just doesn't have it in him.

Different things as far as what? Dressing up or role playing, trying new moves in the bedroom maybe, because Ive done all of that. Is that what happens men loose interest so they go to online dating sites and meet a new chic everyday. Well I am willing to try anything because Im so tired of feeling alone and being alone

He may have some mental health issues, that only prescribed medication will help him resolve. He should see a licensed MH professional. However, if you suggest that to him, it could cause other problems. Go to some website, or a theripist and get information that you can print our, or take home. Then leave it where he can find and read it.

This is only an idea.

"What are the signs and symptoms of depression in men?

Different people have different symptoms. Some symptoms of depression include:
Feeling sad or "empty"
Feeling hopeless, irritable, anxious, or angry
Loss of interest in work, family, or once-pleasurable activities, including sex
Feeling very tired
Not being able to concentrate or remember details
Not being able to sleep, or sleeping too much
Overeating, or not wanting to eat at all
Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems
Inability to meet the responsibilities of work, caring for family, or other important activities. "

"Medication

Medications called antidepressants can work well to treat depression. But they can take several weeks to work. Antidepressants can have side effects including:
Headache
Nausea, feeling sick to your stomach
Difficulty sleeping and nervousness
Agitation or restlessness
Sexual problems. " http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/men-and-depression/complete-index.shtml

When is it just time to walk away? I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. At the beginning everything was good, now we barely speak he is ALWAYS handling business, so he is NEVER home. We are intimate once maybe twice a month. When I try to talk to him about it he gets upset and says Im being emotional and its always about me. What else is there to do when your significant other feels like there's nothing wrong?

He's obviously stressed out and can't handle it, either you put up with it till it gets better or you give up and let him go. Find a guy that has more time for you and treats you the way you should be treated.
The ones who say ignoring a girl is the best way to get a girls attention are wrong. Every girl wants to be protected and needed, also the want to feel as if some one care (some girls overdue that by cheating and flirting basically all the time).
If you're feeling as if something's wrong, then something is wrong! Don't let him make you feel as if you're the problem, that's what boys do when the know they've done/doing something wrong, they make you the problem.
JUST KNOW THAT... LETTING GO DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN YOU'RE WEAK, IT MEANS YOU'RE STRONG ENOUGHT TO REALIZE THAT YOU'RE WORTH SO MUICH MORE THAN THAT.

This has been going on for quite a while. I looked at your previous threads.

These questions are to get a better understanding of what is going on:

What have you tried doing to improve communications? Have you tried talking to him when your child isn't home and distractions are at a minimum? Are you being careful not to sound like you are accusing him of anything or putting him on the defensive?

Have you found another job or are still spending most of your time at home? Is he stressed out about trying to keep finances together? Does he get any time to himself to relax, go out with friends or pursue interests outside the house and relationship (sports, hobbies, etc.)?

Have there been other changes in his work, health, or anything else?

Leave, why continue to put yourself in a situation in which you are not happy.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

This has been going on for quite a while. I looked at your previous threads.

These questions are to get a better understanding of what is going on:

What have you tried doing to improve communications? Have you tried talking to him when your child isn't home and distractions are at a minimum? Are you being careful not to sound like you are accusing him of anything or putting him on the defensive?

Have you found another job or are still spending most of your time at home? Is he stressed out about trying to keep finances together? Does he get any time to himself to relax, go out with friends or pursue interests outside the house and relationship (sports, hobbies, etc.)?

Have there been other changes in his work, health, or anything else?

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We both have full time jobs and yes I do try and talk when no one is here to distract him. I don't know how to talk to him because no matter what or how I say something he very defensive. I know that things could be a lot worse and I love him so I am dealing with it hoping that he will realize what he is doing. Maybe you can help me to understand what the problem is because Im at a lost right now.

The question I have is why have you allowed this disconnect of the mind to go on so long? Things are always hot and heavy in the beginning, and this fellow was use to loving them and leaving them, but either he is clueless as to what it takes to maintain a relationship, or for whatever reason he just ain't in it to win it! Or both!

The sad part is that you allow it. You should have left long ago, when he first started to resist communicating with you. Leave now as its obvious your patience is wearing thin. And as long as he won't work with you, leaving is your only option.

No communications, no relationship! He isn't even willing. Sorry.