My girlfriend is a trained professional salsa dancer and contemporary dancer. But of late she has gotten into the acting stream and doesn't perform dance much. Just dances with friends and other dancers at their parties and all and few performances and choreographing projects here and there. I don't know how to dance and sometimes when we have gone out she has asked me to dance but I kind of turn it down, she knows I can't dance at all, in fact that's how we met. She asked me for a dance and pulled me up on the dance floor, and I was hardly moving I was so scared.

Anyway,the problem was that some weeks back, she went to a friends party. Most people were dancers there. And I recently saw photos of her hugging some guy and slow dancing bachata with him.(which is a very sensual dance). It kind of made me queasy and I don't know how to react. I fought with her over her closeness to other guys. Body almost rubbing onto each other. She claims its just a dance form, and that's how the style is and that how close you need to be during bachata and slow dancing and I totally agree.

But it just makes me feel very weird to know that she had her arms around another guys neck and he was holding her tight close to his body and they were dancing. I don't know what to do about this feeling. I mean, I knew she was a salsa dancer and there is lots of body contact, but finally seeing such images have made me uncomfortable.

We really love each other and I completely trust her to not cheat on me. And I know she may not be thinking anything sexual while dancing with those guys, but it makes me queasy thinking what the guys must have thought while holding her so close and feeling her and all. We have had a huge fight over this topic and she finds it a very minor issue but for me such intimate close body contact is really a big thing.

How do I get over this feeling? Please help.

Your discomfort starts with you being unable to control your own feelings, I bet your lack of dancing skills, or experience with dancing with others is at the heart of this queasy feelings. As I read your other posts as well its clear your lack of self confidence is what you really lack. So either learn to dance, through practicing with others, or learn to control your own impulse of making this a bigger deal than what it has to be, and leading to a frustrating argument.

Don't let fear ruin a good thing bud, so don't act out of fear. Think before you act or speak, and gain some practical skills on the dance for and you will see the fun of it, and why so many do it, not just professionals either.

Its your lack of being cool, calm, and in control of yourself that makes you seem a jealous, insecure, possessive fool. That queasy feeling is FEAR. Get out there and get some experience and learn to dance you big scaredy cat.

Learn how to dance! She is a professional dancer- have you asked her to teach you?

I don't know if you've ever watched Dancing With The Stars, but all those sexy dances that they teach their partners includes an interpretation of the dance, not just the dance itself. It IS sexy, and the appearance of the dance has to include, through expression, the meaning of the dance. If you watch that show, you will see that for each dance there is a very big emotional 'dance' between the couple. To take the passion out of the dance you may as well do a two step in a country bar. (no offense to two steppers!)

For you to see your girlfriend doing these dances- (and doing them well)- without proper knowledge of the interpretation of the dance leaves you seeing only the sexual expression of the dance, which is, part of the dance. Think of a hockey game without players using hockey sticks. The two just go together, to do things right.

If you are determined not to dance, at least do a little research on these dances, and understand that the expression of the moves you see, is simply part of the dance and nothing more.

Thanks for replying.

Well I don't think it's fear. Fear of what? I know she won't cheat on me... or anything of that sort. I just don't like other guys feeling up her body. That whole thought makes me feel very uncomfortable. That's why I don't know how to handle it.

Had it been for a stage show or choreographed, it would be different as it is a performance, but here it's just a random party with a random friend feeling her body up sensually, and she has to let him.

She is a hot girl and definitely wanted by many. Dance is one of the basic ways of breaking a girl's barrier of touch. A random guy touches her back on the road and it's molesting, but during dance, a random guy touches her back, her butt, and it's all right. This bit makes me queasy thinking about how the guys must be feeling her up with the mask of dancing close with her.

I think you are in denial of your fear, that's why you are queasy, or you are anal retentive.

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/anal-retentive

Over possesive is putting it mildly. But you really have to open your mind to the ways of others to understand that being obsessed with the behavior of others may not be healthy.

But Fear of what?

I spoke to her and asked her how she would like if I was that close to a girl and dancing with her and feeling her and getting felt by her. And she said she'd be little jealous. But, I just wouldn't want to get that physically close, sensual and intimate to some other girl. So For her, me doing it would cause some jealousy, but for her to do with random dancer friends it is absolutely fine? That too when she and all those guys have been drinking? She wouldn't lose her control and cheat or anything.. but when drunk your hands automatically move places it shouldn't and she starts justifying their actions, that, they were drunk that's why. In this pic, the guys hand wasn't on the shoulder blade where its supposed to be, it was all around her back holding her waist tight and pulling her close to him. So how am I not to have a problem when the dance isn't following the dance movement?
And she is angry with me for asking her this and expects an apology from me. How can I apologize for something that is bothering and hurting me?

Hmmmmm.. I just know those guys she danced with.. and she knows well too that they are all players and have used girls as sex objects in the past. And that's why seeing their hands all over my girls back and waist and pulling her closer and closer makes me sick.
I trust her completely, but I don't trust the guys intentions being pure while dancing with her. So indirectly, I don't like her dancing so close as I feel they are feeling her up and have more than just pure dance thoughts.

So you fear the guys, and there intentions, and FEAR your girl cannot defend herself against them?

Apologize, as there is no excuse for YOUR bad behavior in starting this conflict, and argument! Even if you think you are just protecting her honor, there is no excuse.

There is no excuse for this kind of control, or your lack of faith.

This is all about other guys putting their hands on your girl. That makes you possessive, controlling, and obsessed with protecting YOUR territory, and that's not love, because there is no trust, or faith.

I do plan on apologizing. AS I Know my words weren't right.
But I don't know if I can handle it calmly in future.. As in.. She will continue dancing(thats her life).. I'd never want her to stop. But I just can't understand that close dance being just sensual dance and no other intimate or sexual intention between the dancers.
I have complete faith that my girlfriend wouldn't ever cheat. Or do any crap. But also worries me that the guys with her are just feeling her up as they are rubbing bodies literally. And Since she is So into the dance, she doesn't care about it as she wants to dance. There have even been times when she has told me that some dancers actually deliberately feel other parts while dancing but since they are senior dancers young girls need work and have to tolerate it.
I have complete faith in her,and trust her and love her. I just can't see other guys all over her feeling her body while she is engrossed in dance.

Reread this post and see how many times you repeat the same thing over, and over. You are stuck on a single idea, and can't let it go. Its not her, the guys, just YOU, and only YOU.

Hmmmm.. but how do I let it go? What do I do? To change this mindset? That's what I don't know how to change and I really wish to change this thinking...

Think before you act or speak, learn to shut up, and above all learn to control yourself, and your feelings.

Just because you have certain feelings doesn't mean you should act on them, and certainly not act badly because of them.

Hmmm.. true... I am working on the shutting up bit. Trying to keep things to myself. But then it just kills me inside. How am I supposed to go about getting rid of this thought process that others are feeling her up and that disgusting closeness of hers with other guys? I want to kill the whole root cause. But don't know how to change this whole thinking..
I haven't lived in such an environment. Ever been around dancers. So I can't seem to open up my mind to sensual close dance being just dance and nothing sexual. I need help and understanding this bit.

Accept she is a dancer, and that's what they do. You don't get to put your own ideas of decency on others. That's called prejudice.

When you have those thoughts, tell yourself how silly they are, and not act on them. Or keep losing control over yourself, and destroy the relationship.

I suspect this is but one part of more issues that you have with your female, and she does many things to trigger these feelings in you. I don't see anyone going out dancing everyday, for fun. So I think you have issues and use that time she does as an excuse, since I doubt if you even go with her.

So you probably just sit at home while she parties, and seethe with what you think is happening. Don't you have other things to do besides obsess about what she is doing? You probably hate it when she gets dressed up to go dancing to. That starts your mind thinking in jealous ways.

Actually... I don't get invited to her parties as her friends don't like me (this particular dance was at her best friends party and that female hates me) or other friends don't know me as they are from hher dance circle and not close friends.. and hence I don't like intruding.. I don't get invited So I don't go. She is invited and should go.
I take her partying with my friends. Doesn't mean she has to make me a tag along where I'm not invited.
And its not like I have a problem with her dancing. Its just that this particular pic was with a guy who is a player (would have sex with anything) and was drunk at that time and it wasn't a right posture. I know the theory of dance even though I don't practically know it. The hand stays on the shoulder blade in any dance, Not on the waist all around the back.
My girlfriend is just too naïve. Thinks that this guy thinks of her just as a friend when he has openly said it that he has a crush on her and was clearly drunk then. And so thinks that just because he was drunk he did it wrong and held her like that.

I had other issues but I am over all of them. This is the only one that seems to be bothering me.
She doesn't go out everyday though she gets invited to many parties regularly due to hectic work.
She is an attention seeker (not being rude , but she says it too) and she likes dressing up and getting noticed and In a way I feel proud of it that people notice her. That's not something that would bother me.
Even if people on the road walking past say.. 'pretty girlll' or something.. instead of her getting angry, she thanks them and we continue walking.

I go partying with my friends and she, with her friends.
The problem is, we stay in different cities around 3 hours apart. So whenever she comes down We party with my friends. Her best friends stay in my city as well, but I drop her till their place and leave from outside usually as I know they don't like me, and I don't like them.( whenever we have fought, her friends know her side of the story and so they hate me.. and that's fine.. she needs someone to tell her stories to. But those friends call me and yell at me or do stuff to hurt me and that has me pissed off against them).
She stays over with those friends many times and sometimes with me but all this doesn't bother me.

It was just this close dance thing that Im having a hard time digesting as I have never seen people around me do it.. and whatever I have seen of it, from movies or television soaps is it being sexual and that's been fed into my head deep.

That's why I can't see close dance as just dance and nothing more sexual involved.
I was even thinking of joining a dance class to mingle around those people, learn the art and understand it to understand my girlfriend better.
But right now Im just very confused what to do.

TV isn't real, the drunk is no threat, so drop those excuses, and do not consider them as facts, but what's the deal with you and her friends?

What you do is get control over your thoughts and actions. More so when there is distance involved between you. I think you have let frustrations slip into your thoughts, and the fear is very apparent. Insecurities, and anger, and jealousy, and frustrations all are rooted in fear.

These are your feelings so deal with them, and stop letting them deal with you. We all have feelings my friend, intense ones for sure, but we cannot act in inappropriate ways because of them. We can't help our feelings, but we can control what we do because of them. How old are you both?

We are both 24.
And true, I do get jealous. Not insecure though. But yes, jealous and then possessive.I have been working on this issue.
And its because of the possessiveness that I can't see her close o any guy or anyone else touching her.. especially when its just for personal fun and not work.

And I have stopped trying to let out what I feel when I know its going to create a fight. Even this time. I told her that I saw the pic and am a bit uncomfortable so I need some space or we might end up fighting because of what's going on in my head. And he kept asking me to tell her , and when I did.. I became huge as She argued back. Usually I just shut up when she argues back to not let it grow but this time my head was pretty much screwed too.

I just can't yet see it calmly that she can be physically close to another man too and that too publicly when she is public shy of me and won't even hug me or act lovey dovey in public with me.
And because of her close dancing, people have also thought at times that she is that dancers girlfriend or something and then she has to correct them , that No no, this is my boyfriend, not that guy.
People think that that guy and my girl have a thing going on then. And this is one of the major problems.. People thinking crap.

You can't control what others say, think, or do! Not even your girlfriend. You can only control yourself. So control yourself. Just takes time and work, and practice.

hmmmm.. thanks so much for that advise.. will surely work on it.. but sounds very tough though...

I thought about it all day, and realised, that this is in fact the biggest issue for me.. about what people think about her and how they link her with others or what crap the talk about her after dancing with her or when they see someone dancing with her.
This guy who danced with her put that particluar close dancing pic up as his profile pic and some random dude commented 'ahem ahem.. solid stuff.. ;).. ' and that bit bothered me.

And now come to think of it... that's what I need to get over.. I can't help what people think and who they link her with.. She gets close with many guys during dance and gets liked with them and those dancers do say crap like 'dude.. did u check how closei was with her and how I felt her.' and their friends gve them a high five and stuff...
I think I just get bothered as I feel like a loser that others did that with my girlfriend and tell their friends exaggerated crap about it and I can't do anything about it. And indirectly I feel they laugh at me that they did such stuff with my girl and she let them.
More like.. How a when someone's girlfriend cheats on her boyfriend with another guy and that other guy meets this boyfriend.. he has this thing in his mind, that your girl came to me to get physical, that means you are so useless and couldn't do anything about it and you still took her back.

And that sir, is insecurity, a product of fear... of what others think about you.

Acknowledge it, and find the courage to love yourself, even when others don't.

Hmmmmmm... insecurity? I thought insecurity was fearing that your girl will leave you for some other guy..
Hmmmmm...
I don't how to stop thinking about what others think of my girl, who they link her with.. how they think I'm a loser for not being able to handle it etc. The close dance bit I'll get over.. I have already started meeting dancers, thinking of joining a dance school even for at least a few months.. If I don't learn anything to change my thinking, I'll still be able to salsa at parties at least and dance with my girl at times.

But yeah, this I just realised and need to work on.. That I can't stop people from thinking crap. But it's a tough situation to handle hen you feel people think crap about you and think your girl is easy and you can't do anything about it.

I find worrying about what other people think, or do, distracts me from doing what's important to me.

Hmmm.. I'll surely keep that in mind always.. thanks so much...

And about the dance paranoia? I still don't think I'm 100% comfortable seeing her close dancing with other men , maybe in time I will get over it?

LOL, you must not be in the United States. I guess its something you are not use too.

First, learn to control your emotions, dancing is just dancing. Second, either take dancing classes or tell her to teach you. Lastly, take her out dancing, and support her hobby, for you to want to make her stop her dancing especially if it is soooo integrated into her life is mean and overpossesive.

NO I don't want her to stop dancing altogether.. But yeah, maybe close dancing with other guys I wouldn't like. That bit I'm not yet comfortable with. She loves dancing and can dance as much as she wants but I just wish she keeps distance.

I doubt that happens so adjust your own thinking, and let it go as no big deal, that's what she thinks, its not a big deal to her. So don't make it one. You have expressed your displeasure, but hasn't changed, so don't make her pay while you wrap your head around it! Leave or stay, but don't be stuck, or make YOUR issue HERS.

Hopefully you get to a point that you decide not to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Is this a deal breaker for the relationship?

Well she doesn't find it a big deal or anything. Its just getting myself to trust other guys touching and holding her and being able to see her hold someone else so sensually other than me.

And well, as of now this does seem like a deal breaker for her . She won't stop partner dancing ever anyway as she is a dancer and loves it and I'd never want to change her. Though I hope there is more distance between the dancers than a guys thigh between her legs and their upper bodies completely touching.

She isn't comfortable that I have a problem with her close dancing with guys . She doesn't understand me and I can't yet understand her perspective.
So I spoke to her and told her that I will always be around but I don't want you to be tied down because of me as I really wish to see her happy. She thinks I'm breaking up with her giving the old 'its not you, its me' excuse. But its just that I want to see her happy and enjoy and not give up something so close to her heart (she has made some sacrifices for me previously, like cut off talking to some close friends who were her ex-flings as they were still hooked onto her and tried to push me away from her though she didn't think so as they were different when just I was there and different when she was there too) and I know I would get uncomfortable again seeing her close dance and will fight I guess as I don't know how long it will take me to accept close dance as just dance. Rome wasn't built in a day. I am trying to accept close dance but till I am not completely over it I don't want her to stop or nag her about it. So I told her that she is free and I don't want to tie her down. She had said words like, I love you and I'm miserable. And well thinking about it, I don't want her to be miserable because of me.
She still feels we should at least be friends but I don't know.I may still get issues up. I don't know what to do. I love her. But don't want to hurt her or fight anymore. But I'm also not over this issue yet and it will bother me if it happens again. Don't know what to do..

My girlfriend and I have been together for around 1.5 yrs now.(on and off).. Would fight n breakup for a few weeks and get back.. Except once, we broke up for around 3 months and got back. I went around having random flings during those 3 months( no dates or emotional talks or anything.. Random girls at parties or things like that).. But she claims she never went on a single date as she hoped for us to work. And she thought that if she did date, I wouldn't take her back. As a date is more emotion based.
We had a fight 2 -3 weeks back about her close dancing the bachata with another guy at a party ( I put that up in the forum too and got answers and lots of clarity then). We had a huge fight as she is a dancer and she won't change that. At the same time, I haven't been brought up in a dance environment. It was very orthodox with me and hence touching and close body contact with the opposite sex for me was always considered sexual and I couldn't understand close dances as a sensual art form and thought of it as erotic and sexual.
She thought I was waaaay too possessive. As she is a professional dancer and actor and both fields require considerable amount of physical contact. ( She thought we broke up at this point as I asked her for time for myself to get over my issues and told her that it could take time).
We still spoke a bit after that, and then she had some issue with my best friend and asked me to choose him or her and I told her I'm not doing any crap like this and then our contact got almost cut off.. ( my best friend and her are now back to being buddies, I just got phased out now)..
Anyway, we started talking lesser and lesser and she would talk to me only when I initiated contact.
If I text her, she would reply. Or she wouldn't message or call on her own anymore.
I got fed up of this and stopped contacting her last week. And for 4 days we were without any contact.
Then I wrote to her again. And she would reply and we'd end up fighting.
Yesterday she asked me on chat, if it is really difficult to get laid. And I replied I wouldn't know I'm not going around but yeah it should be easier for girls than for guys. And she told me that whoever she is meeting now wants a relationship with her and she just wants a rebound or a random fling. I was shocked as to why she is telling me this.. So I asked her if she has been dating.. She said she went on one date with some guy some days back and told him she isn't over me as she still loves me and the guy said he is willing to wait till she gets over me. She says she freaked out when he said that and didn't date that guy again yet as she doesn't want all that. I got really quesy as she was telling me all this, but she also says she didn't even kiss him let alone anything else.
And then last night told me, that since we both think different about her touching other guys and dance. And that I'm very possessive,we can't be together as a couple, but she still loves me a lot. But love isn't everything in life.

Now,the problem here is.. Because I had that issue about not understanding close dance I started learning dance. Signed up and dedicatedly I would go to learn it past 2 weeks and I'm over the whole physical contact thing. She doesn't know that I started learning dance as we @eren't much inn contact and I thought I'd just call her one day and surprise her. I'm just very hurt that, while the time I was trying to get over my issues and learning dance to understand her.. ( change my whole view about something that I had for 24 years of my life) she was out looking for guys, flirting around and dating to get laid and have sex. And had this date gone good and the guy would also want a fling like her, I wouldn't even know about it and they would be f**king around.. I just don't know what to do now.

She has started going on dates and wants to get laid she says (weird is why she tells ME this of all the people on the planet).. Even though she thinks that I wouldn't ever take her back if she dates around . So does she really not want this anymore? She says she has accepted that we can't be together as I had a problem with her dance and I should accept it too.. Though she also keeps saying she loves me a lot and knows I love her a lot. And doesn't know that I am over the dance issues as I am now learning it myself and understand the whole psyche behind it.
She says she loves me a lot and won't get over me even with the casual rebounds she wishes to have now, but she just wants the flings to have fun. And so went on dates and is flirting around again.
I really don't understand what to do now. Please help me. Been having sleepless nights and can't even eat food right because of so much on my head.

I'm not at all clear on why you're calling her your "girlfriend". You've been seeing each other only on-and-off for just a year and a half. The math suggests you've been apart (and having "flings") about half that time.

I think you really need to reassess what this relationship is, because apart from the drama, it doesn't seem to have much of a framework to build on for the future.

It may be to late for all of this second chance stuff, since you had them before. Maybe this time you get yourself under control before you do anything. I don't know, but my guess is she spoke from anger, but even if she was serious, its none of your business, and you really need to focus on you, not her. Get healthy dude, or nothing good comes of this. You have never listened before, but please do so now!

Get your own act together, before you even consider talking to her again. You have many personal issues to resolve for yourself.

Yeah I did have the issue of possessiveness.. And I did work on it and get over it. That's why it's a bit irritating and disturbing, That all this while that I was working on our relationship problem and my issues to have something better with her , she was out looking for guys to date to have random sex flings.
She wasn't angry when she said any of these things. And My friends think it was more in lines to get me jealous and show me that she doesn't need me and is moving on. Or either that I don't keep her hanging and tell her, I want her or don't and make it clear.. So I asked her out again even though her going on dates already is bothering me deep inside I'm getting over it.. and she said we can't work as you are possessive and lets just be friends. Had I gone on a date she would have turned the world upside down.
last night I informed her, that I had started learning dance and understand close dance now and had gotten over the possessiveness. I didn't ask her out now, just that before we parted of to whatever I wanted her to know that I did make an effort all this while when she was out dating. She still claims she loves me a lot and knows I love her too but also says lets be friends. So I'm confused. I told her I was and will always be her friend. But I'm still confused as to where this is heading.

Hopefully its headed for some growth, and self improvement on your part. Leave her alone, and know you paid a big price for your earlier fears, insecurities and controlling nature. When you accept your mistakes, you can correct them and learn, so give this time away from her a chance to make you a healthier partner in the future.

Now you can be stuck on what you have lost, and sit in self pity, or you can get your act together in case she does take a second look later. Up to you.

I am trying to improve myself.. ad I still kind of have this feeling that she will look me up after some time.. She still says she loves me but just can't live with me because of my possessiveness. The problem is that she is going on random dates and flirting around now and wants to have casual sex so when she does look me up I really wonder what I should do after she has kind of taken a different guy tour and come back. Should I be with her then or not?

Keep working on you guy, and cross that bridge when, and if it come to that. Until then don't worry about tomorrow, just deal with TODAY! Practice your new dancing skills on others. Might be fun.

I am.. and it is fun.. I'm actually getting compliments from my dance trainers for the speed of progress.. doing.. salsa... cha cha cha.. and jive.. not all that well, but can definitely dance to save my life now..

Coming back to the main issue that I have now,. I am trying to cross the bridge.. and I am getting there.. Taking each day at a time.. its just that she isn't around to see my progress anymore. She is dating other people already.

I am confused at Just one question now. IF she does realise the change in me and comes back.. should I get back with her then? After she has gone around and had random sex with many different guys while I was making an effort to be better to be with her?

I find it disgusting guy that you would change and do better for someone else, and not just for yourself. What she is doing is none of your business, and you still have that old stinking thinking that got you dumped in the first place.

Chances are, your transformation will take a while, so its not wise to wait, and HOPE she comes back. She isn't waiting and hoping for you to change. She is living her life, and that's what you should be doing. In reality, YOU don't really know what she is doing, but your fear has you assuming the worst.

Concentrate on you, and don't assume, or presume anything from, or about her. That's crazy.If you better yourself, and get to a place of good thinking you will be in control of yourself, in a calm cool way. Then you will build a better life for yourself.

And you won't be stuck or obsessed on what she is doing. You won't be torturing yourself with useless thoughts over things that are out of your control. It's a longer harder path than you think so one step at a time, do the change first and get to a place of being healthy and happy with yourself.

Well I'm not imagining.. the last time I spoke to her she did tell me she is moving on and dating guys for flings.. doesn't want anything serious with any guy now as she isn't over me, but she has started dating around again.
So I am not making stuff up. Just saying what she told me.

Dude she is taking the steps to get over you. She may not want to come back, whether you have changed for the better or not. Doesn't matter what she says any more. Doesn't matter to you what she does. You have your own business to tend to, and really do need to leave her alone so you can heal and move on.

You can do this the hard way, or the right way. Enough of this what she said stuff. That's CRAP now.