Hello everyone. First of all I want to thank everyone that takes the effort to read and maybe even answer everything I'm about to write down. The story I'm about to write comes coupled with more pain and suffering than words could ever do justice. My entire life has been nothing more than a series of unfortunate events leading up to my currents situation. It would take a novel to describe but it essentially boils down to one fact. I could never have the things I've wished for the most up to the point where life seems to use me for some sort of cruel sadistic entertainment. It ended up with me severely depressed, unmotivated and bitter. I'm 23, still live with my parents, lost my friends simply because I couldn't be the person I was to them anymore and I have no aspirations left. I simply stopped seeing the point.

After a while I did nothing more than be at home, in bed for days, withering away waiting to be freed from life. There was one thing I did do and that was casually catting with people in open chatrooms. This is where I met the most intelligent, captivating, inspiring and talented girl I ever met. She was someone plagued by a terrible past like me. She was has been the victim of rape, eventually leading to self destructive behavior I.e. Drug use, being attracted to abusive relationships, self harm and a distorted view of sex.

After a while she confessed she had feelings for me and I did so too at a later point. She said she felt safer with me and wished we could live together. It got to the point where I actually traveled to her state and met her. When we met she flew into my arms and we couldn't stop kissing each other. Going back home was the hardest thing I ever did. The time I spent with her I felt alive again, and finally seeing the contrast between how most people must feel, and my usual situation made it all the more difficult. I dropped out of college before due to my depression but back home we promised we would start living with each other in the near future. It takes allot of money I didn't have at the time to move somewhere and start an actual life.

In the months in between she got kicked out of her abusive parents house and started living with an ex boyfriend. Later she moved back home but she did confess they had a relationship, but that it meant nothing to her, that he already told him it had no future. That she's so alone and I wasn't there. After a big fight between us she broke up with him and told me it was a mistake, I forgave her because I knew she was into open relationships before and I knew she chose me. After a while I had enough money to rent a place of my own close to a new job I managed to get. Right before I could set a time to meet up at the airport she got kicked out again, and disappeared for over a month. I was incredibly worried because I was thought she was living on the streets and had no way to get back into contact.

When she finally returned she dropped the bomb on me, she was living with her Ex boyfriend's family and they love each other, getting ready to get married. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, it felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. She said that she wasn't leading me on and she meant everything she told me at the time. But that things changed, and that if it was a different time, or a different place we could've been something if she wasn't in love with him. The betrayal I felt I still can't properly describe. I don't understand how she could've told me she loved me for 2 years, while her ex was hanging out with her during the time as friends, only to tell me at the last moment after being gone for a month that she doesn't love me anymore and that her ex stole her heart. She told me they couldn't be separated anymore. I did not even get a chance to prove myself. I only had a day to be with her in real life. She and her ex much, much longer. It felt incredibly unfair and cruel because I already spent thousands on a down payment for the place I had reserved.

The finality of hearing something like this... Seeing the only hope for the future disappear after truly believing that my life was saved. Is unbearable. She was the love of my life and I would've died for her if it meant saving her. I see no future for myself, but at least before this I didn't have to live knowing someone this amazing is with someone else. And I could've been with her if only I was there sooner. I'm seriously contemplating suicide because I have absolutely nothing to live for anymore. No friends, no ambition and the only thing left truly worth living for, love was only paraded in front of me like some sort of sick joke. Making me feel like an idiot for believing once again I could escape my room. But now I see this will most likely be the last thing I will ever see. Forever haunted by my memories of her, forever wondering what it would have been like. I don't live, I survive. I don't even know what my question would be. Maybe because I have no one else to talk to. And maybe because I don't want to wither away without screaming help one last time.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Time I regret taking from you.

I don't want to say I know what you're going through. I don't. But you need to reevaluate your life. I want you to accept the fact that life isn't fair. Say it to yourself aloud: "Life isn't fair." Now yell it: "LIFE ISN'T FAIR." Once you can accept this fact, you stop feeling like a victim. You say you're not living, you're surviving. That's because you choose to think that way. You need to change that way of thinking. I'm not saying it's going to be easy but it needs to be done. For yourself and for the people that care about you... and yes, there are people that care about you.

I just got out of my first relationship. I'm 27. She left me. She told me she saw that I was depressed and wanted me to get help. She said she cared about me (some way to show it, right?). I was a wreck. I had suicidal thoughts. I listened to the MASH theme song over and over. But I also took her advice. I got help. I realized that I actually did suffer from depression - while I was with her and before. I'm starting to change my thinking. I used to focus on the negative, get stressed over little things, lose my temper easily, sleep in because my dreams were more comforting than my reality. Before I met her, I used to pray to God before bed, "God, please don't let me wake up tomorrow" because a new day meant more pain and new ways for me to screw up. It took the loss of someone I loved, the acceptance of my problem, and the fortitude TO WANT to change to help me through. I still have a long way to go but I have hope.

Please, go seek professional help. And call every friend and family member and tell them how you're feeling. Surround yourself with good people who love you and care about you and you will get through this. I promise.

No body can take your future, they can destroy your present. You are the only person in control of your future. And the only person who is in control of their present.

And yes if you can't handle it alone, get professonal help.

I didn't know my question would be answered so fast so thank you both. I don't know how to quote people directly but to njrugger; I see myself in what you said. I wish I could change my perspective on psychologists, I've always seen them as people who get paid hundreds of dollars for a pep talk that I would probably dismiss in the end. My rationale was always that I've known myself for 23 years while that psychologist has known me for not more than a few hours tops. But I also recognize that if I keep listening to myself I will never get anywhere. It's true, life is unfair, I've screamed it in my pillows many times. Exactly that is the reason I came to hate the world. Because some people have all the chances while others who have nothing get to see them walk away with it. I still believe that I can only free myself by not existing at all anymore.

Let me be frank guy, if you stop seeing the world through your hatred, hurt, and self pity, you would see a lot of options and opportunities to be happy. You had a hard time and got screwed up with a girl, I get that, as many of us have had to overcome obstacles before we could pursue our own happiness. You are no different than us, or anyone else.

Now you can chose to be negative, and bitter, or you can chose to learn, grow, overcome, and be better, one day at a time.

Your choice, up to you.

Don't look at it as those who've had chances and those who have nothing. Once again, you're feeling sorry for yourself. Don't be the victim!! Instead get MAD!! Not at anyone in particular, but just at life. Mad enough to stop passively accepting life's **** and instead take a proactive approach and fight back.

It's going to sound corny, but I was watching Bridesmaids by myself the other day. I found myself crying and laughing at the same time. Melissa McCarthy's character stops by Krisent Bell's character's house to cheer her up. She started hitting Bell saying "I'm your life. What are you going to do about it?" Finally Bell got fed up and slapped her back. McCarthy said she had moved on to the next step. Then said, “You got to stop blaming the world for your problems. Because you're your problem…and you're also your solution.� It was like an epiphany. It really spoke to me. (Two other movies that have helped me as well are Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Kung Fu Panda 2... I'm weird like that, hahaha, :0) )

As for psychologists, you can't judge them until you've been to one. I always thought if I went to one (and yes, I thought I needed one for a long time) that I would be admitting that there was something wrong with me and that I was broken. I went to one a couple of years ago for a problem I had with drinking. He really didn't help and I left after a few months. But the doctor I'm seeing now is great. He's just someone I can talk to and get advice from, nothing more, nothing less. And if you go to a doctor and you don't like him or her, find a new one. And if he or she doesn't work out, look again. You need to find someone with whom you'll feel comfortable and receptive to.

No problem. We are here to listen.

I feel your pain. Battle all of those things on a daily basis.

Ive had a ridiculous string of unfortunate things in my life lately.

But listen to what talaniman said. When you live in self-pity and sorrow, that's all you will get.
"You are no different than us, or anyone else"

Yup.

You have to find the strength to do for you. Have fun. Forget the bad world, just the good one. The one you live in.
Learn & try not to repeat what's bad. Recognize why. Don't be afraid to change.

Ive spend days in bed crying, and days laughing.
Laughing is better.

Sounds like you spend most of your time sad. If you need pro help, go seek out a counselor.

"She took my future"
Yeah right. No one has that power, but you.

All of you are right. There are too many people in the world to make any case here unique. I've been resisting getting treatment because like I said before I didn't see a point, and chose to surrender myself at what I perceived was my future. But this girl has been a wake up call. I've wasted so much time and energy believing in nothing apparently, still part of me can't accept that I would go down like this, that I'm at the point where I would try anything, even if I don't believe in it. I guess I'll try finding a professional.

And to njrugger; I liked Bridesmaids. If I would pick a movie that reflected my suffering the most it would be Cast Away. Tom Hanks promised the love of his life to marry her right before taking a flight far away. He found himself stranded on an island for years. The only thing keeping him alive was the hope of seeing her again. In the end, while he did get rescued he had to see how she had a new life in the meantime. Letting her go was the hardest thing anyone could ever go through in my view. But he did say that in the end. All you can do is to keep breathing. And I am trying to... I've been trying for years.

Just believe in yourself, that's the only one you need to be concerned with.

Valkyie, I like how you said this girl is a wake up call. You couldn't me more spot on. I've felt "off" most of my adult life. I just thought that it was just how I was made up - I didn't realize I was depressed. The breakup was the best thing that happened to me. And I'm not trying to trivialize it. It was the most emotionally painful experience I've ever gone through and I wouldn't wish it upon even my worst enemy. But to get great rewards, we need to suffer great pain. It's been all worth it because it was the catalyst to cause major changes (for the better) in my life. I'd been asking and praying for this for a long time. I wouldn't have chosen this road myself, but it got me back on the right track. Take this breakup as a learning experience and now focus on healing yourself and growing.

I can see how Cast Away would be a proper metaphor to someone who's suffering through a breakup. But don't forget, he gets to deliver that one unopened package to the beautiful artist at the end. We're both waiting to find that girl to whom we can give our unopened package to. (Please excuse the crude pun. It was unintended. :0P )

Thank you all for your words of support, maybe when I'm strong enough I could return the favor. But your efforts do show me that there is still good left in this world. And njrugger; that last sentence was pretty awesome, you actually got me to smile a little. I think being able to still crack a joke in your situation shows remarkable strength of character. Today I stepped outside for the first time in almost 2 weeks. I went to a hill I used to go close to the beach and I saw the sun disappear in the ocean. Out of nowhere I got this strange serene feeling over me, like things might be all right in time.

I still can't believe she's gone, I feel like I'm a junkie going through severe withdrawal. I can't stop thinking about the amazing times we had, how passionate she was. That makes it even harder to process she could just let it all go to waste. I don't know if I'll ever be able to figure out what I want to do with my life. I needed a cause and it seemed like a miracle I met someone like her. Maybe one day I'll have a new cause, but I'm not expecting it.

You will overcome your addiction, and find a cause for living. Some take longer than others, but it will happen.

My doc said the same thing. He said I've been addicted to her and I'm going through withdrawal. I need to purge her from my mind. I'm still struggling. I went for a run today and I thought I saw her drive by. It looked like her car but the driver had her hand covering her face. The car was missing hub caps just like her. If it was her, I felt so hurt she would cover her face to avoid me. I can get over losing my girlfriend. But it still hurts losing my best friend.

Hang in there buddy. You and I can get through this together. You need to look for the joy and laughter in life. I wish I could see a sun set over the ocean. It sounds beautiful. I have faith that you're going to make it. Just be positive in yourself. I'll try and do the same.

The only cause you need in life is being the best YOU you can ever be.

Once you have gone through the detox,I think you'll find that you have dodged a bullet.

You can't ''save'' another person; you can only ''save'' youself-by working on becoming the best possible you.

That usually takes time but we live and learn from our experiences.

Take good care of yourself.

How you been holding up Valkyie? Here's a little story about me that hopefully you can learn from:

I've been feeling good all week. I let go my anger for my ex and I've felt refreshed and energized, like a weight lifted off me. I ended up texting "Merry Christmas" today just to show her no hard feelings and keep with the Christmas spirit. She texted me back almost immediately wishing me the same and hoping I enjoyed it with my family. And with that text came a flood of old emotions I thought I finally had let go of. It pretty much ruined my Xmas.

If you ever feel the need to contact your ex, learn from me. NO CONTACT is the way to go. Now I feel like I'm back where I started.

Hey njrugger, I'm still breathing so that has to count for something right? I'm sorry your Christmas was ruined, but you're definitely not alone in sharing that sentiment. It's really ironic that you told me about that no contact strategy... I've not only been in contact with her again but also actually arranged to meet her so I could have closure in person. The whole motivation for this was that this means too much for me to break off through the internet. Right now the only memories I have of her in real life is the amazing time we shared in NYC. Maybe this is a mistake but even though she has done a horrible thing to me I can't stop defining her by her best moments. It's so hard, I've never been through a break up before. I never thought it would be so brutal. But there's another reason I planned this.

She's an amazing Japanese anime artist and she drew something for me together with this whole story describing how meeting ME is beyond her fantasies. Maybe it's theatrical of me but I plan to give that notebook back to her.. call it a symbolic gesture. That, and I just want to hold her in my arms one last time. Part of me tells me I'd rather spend 10 seconds like that, then spend a lifetime without her. I just wish my scumbag brain wouldn't make me think of her the moment I open my eyes every morning.. or actually afternoon in my case. Anyway man... contacting her might've set you back for a bit, but you got this far before, you sure as hell can do it again. In all my time going through forums on the web for similar cases I found one thing that can't be disputed. If she was really the perfect girl, then she also wouldn't leave you. It helped me for a bit maybe it does the same to you. Right now I just need to stop listening to depressing movie soundtracks. Damn you james Newton Howard and Hans Zimmer.

I'm sorry its "meeting ME is beyond her fantasies", not meeting "her". I'll account that to me not having slept in about 32 hours... *


*changed/T

Hey, I must emphasize one more moment here. You fell in love with her because she was also damaged. Trust me, that couldn't work out either way. Even if you two got together in the end, it would take a miracle to make it a healthy relationship out of two very broken people. Trust me, I've been there. Falling in love madly with a guy who understood my depression at the time. Well, in time, I realized that we were just holding each other back, because we saw in each other some way of justification for our own misery. Luckily, my depression was actually more of a sorrow and something I always wanted to change, while he never did. He was in a way too comfortable with it. An it pulled me back. He tried to kill himself several times, I never went that far. Well, guess what? After we broke up and healed from each other, we both entered happy relationships with happy people, and we both got waaaay better! Even he, who was really depressed.

After getting professional help as people already advised you to do, I suggest you RUN away if you ever meet another damaged girl that you feel like the person that understands you, but try focusing on more happy and stable people, because only they can pull you back to life!

I know how you are feeling. Been there a few times.

You just have to go NC. I know I preach that, but it will help built some character.
It will give yourself some time to soak things in, readjust. Give yourself some well deserved time. Sounds like you have been neglecting yourself. Realizing what's important & what isn't. Do things you want to do, explore.

I only make mistakes. Hehehe. Zen joke.

I also thought my ex was an amazing artist.
Now, I can't stand the thought of her.

Getting dumped sucks.

Read what you wrote. Do you notice the difference in tone when you describe your life and when you describe this girl? You mood towards your life has always been this sad, can-kicking attitude. However, whenever you met this girl YOU were able to change your mood to see past horrible things from this girl and see the good. Welcome to the world of being optimistic. That is what makes the difference between happy people, and people that "believe" they are unhappy such as yourself.

What you need to do is learn how to see things the way you see this girl. The moment you do that, not only will you see things in a more positive way, but things will start reacting positively towards you too. The past is the past, and there is nothing that can be done to change it, but today is tomorrow's past, and you can DEFINITELY do something to make your future and the present way better. Change your perception, look at the good things around you instead of focusing so much on the dark past you have.


Break ups suck, this is one of them, welcome to the world of dating, you will get over this one and find someone better. I promise.

I agree. Listen to mmresd.
Read some other peoples posts here. They are no different than you.

Reality hasn't sunk in yet. Hasn't for a while.

Once you remove her & this & start living for you, you will be just fine.

"I'm 23, still live with my parents, lost my friends simply because I couldn't be the person I was to them anymore and I have no aspirations left."

Why is that? A good place to start.

Get yourself back. Stop letting everyone else run your life.
Relying.

Time to grow up.

Hey people. I really appreciate all your advice. I really wish it would be as easy as just patting myself on the back and pick myself up. I've been in this situation for a while before her. It wasn't exactly like I started like this, just to make that clear. After HS I fought hard to follow my career to be a pilot. I was already slightly depressed by the time I graduated because of personal events within my family and it didn't put me in a good position. During my evaluation period I went to a concert with my friends, first time ever. I ended up with a permanent form of tinnitus. Basically a type of hearing damage where your ears will not stop ringing. I can still hear everything perfectly except with a sound in the background much like the high pitched hissing those old fat TV's used to emit. That led to me become "emotionally compromised" during the aptitude testing phase and got me dropped. It pretty much cascaded from there.

And yes Ivaaa you're totally right. It felt like me and her connected on a level I couldn't connect with anyone else. She was broken like me. But at the same time she gave me a cause; to be strong for the both of us. She was the one that kept chasing after me, she made me believe that there might be something worthwhile to fight for on this world after all. I WISH I could find the strength within myself like before. But I have been looking since I was 20 and the concert incident occurred. And now I seem to be back at square one. I just NEED to get out of here because its killing me. I wish time could erase everything, but I can't wish the pain away. I lost so many young precious years watching life pass me by... I told her all of this and she understood, yet she condemned me to this just as easily. That makes it easier to get over her, yes. But it will not help me get on with my life. I'm looking for a good psychologist but I do see it as a last ditch resort.

Sorry to hear that.
Get it?

I have hearing damage too. From playing bass in bands. It was standing next to the symbols that did it.
Firstly a Parliament show. That took a week to get over.

But forget the excuses. We can make them until the cows come home. That's easy.
If this is all about your hearing damage, then I would make that your #1 priority.
Getting that manageable.

For whatever hardships, we are all human. Choose how we want to spend our lives.
Happy, sad, aware, whatever.. To choose. That's what separates us from monkeys. Getting off our a$$es.

"I lost so many young precious years watching life pass me by"
Sounds like that was way before. The concert or her.

So stop that. Sometimes that involves reinventing & changing.
Facing our fears.

Getting out more. Start exploring.

Removing what's bad, creating what's good.

Keep talking to your therapist.

Just because life knocks you down doesn't mean you have to stay down. Whatever life throws at you, you have a choice of how you handle it, and the more human tools you have in your human box, the better to do the job of managing YOURSELF.

I think it starts with the basic acceptance of self, flawed as that may be, so we can love ourselves and do the right things for ourselves... no matter what any other human or condition does to us.

We are all flawed, and burdened by one thing or another, and its never easy to overcome our own flaws, let alone be burdened by the flaws of another. We can only thrive and survive, and keep working at being better, by learning, and growing through our own experience.

Let go of the past, that's the lesson of this whole experience, as it was great while it lasted, but now that its over, let it go, and prepare to move forward, and do better next time. There is always a next time, as you learn to deal with yourself, your feelings, your world, and be happy with yourself. Its only as hard as you make it, or as good as you let it be. Depends on how you see it, how you see yourself. Be good to yourself.

She destroyed your future? Oh come on.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Valkyie88

My entire life has been nothing more than a series of unfortunate events leading up to my currents situation. It would take a novel to describe...

---

Your recent break-up has you obsessing over your ex, but your real problem is that you focus on the past and all things negative and you act as if your life is a hell that no one else can understand. This is a lie and you know it.

You're miserable and, from what I'm reading, it sounds like you want to change that. So, change it! Yes, it can be done, but like vanheart pointed out, you need to get your butt in gear. Don't wait around for someone, like your ex, to rescue you. You're the man, not the damsel in distress.

My advice: banish your ex and anyone else who causes you pain—this includes family members—and associate only with those who have a positive attitudes. If you're doing it right, it should seem uncomfortable, foreign and completely forced, this is a good thing.

Hey Valk, how are things holding up? You said you would see a psych doc as a last ditch effort? Why? If you found out you had a deadly disease, would you first attempt to treat it with over-the-counter meds? Of course not. You'd want to get the best possible help and nip it in the bud before it gets worse. There's no shame in seeing a doc. I was hesitant at first. My mom recommended I go for years because of my anger and depression. I felt like if I went I'd be admitting there was something wrong with me. It took a painful breakup to accept this fact. And I regret not having gone sooner. Maybe we'd still be together if I'd had, but I'm not going to dwell on that because what's done is done and I can only change the future.

How did it go, by the way? Meeting your ex?

Where are you from? It says you're from Amsterdam but you said you visited NYC with her.

Hi njrugger. Yeah I'm actually from the Hague, its pretty close to Amsterdam but so is everything else in this tiny country. She lives in Long Island so it was a long distance thing we had going on. I don't necessarily see any shame in seeking professional help, I just didn't think a psychologist could tell me anything I didn't know already. But like you, this breakup made me reevaluate that stance. I still don't see that much in going, but I will because like I said before, I'm at the point where I would try anything. And I haven't met her here yet, she doesn't have a passport and it takes a few weeks to get one in the US apparently. It doesn't make things easier either, because at this point I really want to have this part behind me.

Hey Valk. How've you been?

Hey, been doing OK. I have my ups and downs. I've found a psych and there's an appointment scheduled for next month. I still feel empty most of the time, but I believe that will pass in time. Other than that, there's a girl from my past that I'm trying to reach. She was someone I had feelings for, but I was "friend-zoned" by her. She honestly enjoyed talking to me so it was very painful to stop talking to her, I had to because talking to her was even more painful in the end. I think I got over it though, so maybe she can help me get over the girl that ditched me. Hope I'm still making sense here. Still no luck reaching her though, since at the time I cut all ties to her and all I have is a mail address. No response yet. Maybe she hasn't checked it. Or maybe she doesn't want to talk to me after I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore. Wouldn't blame her at all. Anyway thanks for checking.

Depending on a long gone female friend in times of emotional need is not a great idea, I don't think.

Family and friends are a better support system.

Dude! Valk, you and I are very much alike. I too have had my ups and downs. I'm still reminded of her constently and the breakup still seems fresh in my mind though it's been over two months. But I have also reached out to a girl from my past; a girl I haven't spoken to since high school but whom I've thought about every so often since then. I still haven't heard from her and its been 3 weeks (I messaged her on Facebook but I don't think she goes on too often).

I'm so glad to hear about the psych! I truly hope he helps. And if not, don't be afraid to look elsewhere. I went to a doctor 2 years ago and wasn't pleased with him so I left.

Feel free to keep in touch. I'm always here if you want to talk.

Thanks for the support nj. I think its people like you and others here that really deserve something good to happen to them. And talananiman, I understand what you mean but the girl I mentioned was actually a really great friend. She helped me get over someone before and I definitely believe that she could alleviate my stress a great deal. The difference between her and the girl that ditched me, is the fact that she was always honest and sincere. She never lead me on the way the one that broke my heart did. I already got over her a long time ago, and I really believe I could just talk to her as a friend, even though she is ridiculously gorgeous. Honestly right now I'm not looking for a relationship anyway since I'm still hurting a lot. One of the worst things right now is the fact that I literally can't move on even if I really wanted to.

The girl that dumped me owes me over a thousand dollars. She was kicked out of the house a lot and I lent her money from time to time so she could get a motel room, it kind of added up. Sometimes I literally went out in the middle of the night to drive to a money transfer office just so she could have a place to stay, but I was happy to do it just so I knew she was safe. Naturally I feel like the worlds biggest idiot right now. I'm completely torn between the memories where we video chatted and the second I came on there was the hugest smile on her face, and the fact that she literally left me in the cold and came back after 1.5 months to tell me that she fell in love with her "friend" (who I trusted her with.. the idiot that I am) And that her life is perfect now. She's barely online, last time was the 6th, and I just want to get this over with. I guess this just has to be as painful as humanly possible. It's odd but just when I think I'm actually over it, something sparks a good memory and I just mentally collapse again. Very painful.

Anyway, at the same time I'm very ashamed I got myself dragged into this. I remember that she made such a huge effort to win me over that I really started to believe she was a sure thing. Hell, she even made a song for me. Normally I'd kill to have someone that creative and dedicated.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not an idiot for being kind and altruistic. Learn from your past but don't get down on yourself. I'm sorry to hear that she owes you so much money. I hope you get it back. But be prepared that it may never happen. But now you can be more careful in the future. That's not to say you should be cynical. You sound like a good caring guy. Don't let her ruin that. B/c then she really wins. Focus on your good qualities now and improve your bad ones. For me, this break up was a kick in the *** I needed. I'm starting to get better physically, mentally, and spiritually. Take this time to heal and grow. Scar tissue is stronger than skin.