My boyfriend of 4 years broke of with me 2 months ago. He said he needed space to get his life together ( no job, lives with parents, doesn't feel good about himself) He loved me, but couldn't give me what I needed. Instead of letting him go, I committed every no-no in the book (cried, begged, went to his job). We still hung out and communicated even though he kept saying that it wasn't a good idea. I persisted anyway trying to convinve him it would be all right. One day I just woke up and smelled the coffee and realized I was making an idiot of myself and I told I him that I understood that he needed space and I'm sorry that I didn't give it to him when he first asked. He said I didn't have to apologize but he didn't know what to do, he said we should spend 2 weeks apart ( his head wasn't in it)then come back together to see how things went. I agreed at first but after a week, I just knew that 2 weeks would not be enough to change anything. If his head wasn't in it and he is trying to work on himself, then 2 weeks is not enough time. If it's actually going to work then we need to really split. I called to tell him this and he got angry with me. He said we should talk to discuss this and I was like okay. The next day he had an attitude and said there was nothing to discuss. I told him that there was no need to be childish about it, I said that all of our anger was water under the bridge and I just need time to get myself together. I wished him the best of luck and said now he has the time to focus on himself. There are no hard feelings and I wish him the best. That seemed to really calm him down because he began explaining that his plan is taking him longer than he anticipated and he hoped I wasn't mad at him. I said I am not mad at him we need this time for ourselves ( I was sure not to mention anything about getting back together because that would seem to omply some sort of intentions). I was ready to say goodbye but he kept pausing and stopping. He finally asks if I had met someone or was I dating anyone and I said no, I just need time to myslef and when I get it together THEN I will consider dating but right now it's all about me. We said our goodbyes, I gave him a phone hug ( which he said was the best he ever had) and we hung up. My confusion comes due to his fickle attitude. One minute he wants to break up, not talk anymore, then when I finally grant him his wish he gets pissed, but then acts all nice again. And he has the nerve to ask about my personal life. I would like to reconcile with him but I want it to be right. DO we have a chance? WHat was up with is attitude?

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Originally Posted by yoyolb

I called to tell him this and he got angry with me.

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He got mad because previously he was calling the shots and you were hanging on his side waiting for an answer. Then you did a 180 on him once you got some space. He was in an "emotional shock." It totally caught him off guard.

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Originally Posted by yoyolb

The next day he had an attitude and said there was nothing to discuss. I told him that there was no need to be childish about it, I said that all of our anger was water under the bridge and I just need time to get myself together. I wished him the best of luck and said now he has the time to focus on himself. There are no hard feelings and I wish him the best. That seemed to really calm him down b/c he began explaining that his plan is taking him longer than he anticipated and he hoped I wasn't mad at him.

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See he thought you were pulling away to get back at him. Plus a day had gone by so the shock had worn off.

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Originally Posted by yoyolb

I was ready to say goodbye but he kept pausing and stopping. He finally asks if I had met someone or was I dating anyone and I said no, I just need time to myslef and when I get it together THEN I will consider dating but right now it's all about me.

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He asked that because he was under the impression that if you were willing to change your mind so soon than someone else may have come along.

His attitude is that he is uncertain about your relationship.. when you became uncertain yourself he thought he was going to lose you, so he changed his tune.
Go no contact now, do not contact him in any way, nothing, this is essential for him to feel the void from his life and to make a decision.
If you hear from him do not call back right away, and when you do , do not ask any relationship type questions. Let him see you have a fun busy life without him, this may wake him up!
Work on yourself now and figure out where all those angry issues come from.

How can he have a healthy love for you, when he cannot have a healthy love for himself??

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Go no contact now, do not contact him in any way, nothing, this is essential for him to feel the void from his life and to make a decision.

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I agree that you should leave it to him to find himself.

I agree with you about allowing him time to get himself together before he can actually have love for me. It makes perfect sense to me know, but when your heart is aching you can't think staright. Thanks guys. Keep the thoughts and suggestions coming.

<<but when your heart is aching you can't think staright>>

Exactly, so you go now and find yourself also... maybe you will realise someone with such a fickle atitude is not what you want.

He actually has never been this fickle. I am not trying to make excuses fro him he is really going through a lot of stuff would make anyone be stressed and tired. I will not definitley contact him in any way. If he does not contact me after a while, then I will know his true feelings.

OK I understand exactly what youa re dealing with then then... after having had the same experience . Let him find himself again without any pressure from you.

Maybey he thought you wer better off without him

I have had the same experience as you only in reverse I was the one crying not her just guve him space he needs to sort out his feelings if it is meant to be it will.

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Originally Posted by rebel-2

Maybey he thought you wer better off without him

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I thought this was an interesting point.. He may value himself less at the moment and feel you are better off without him. Regardless, he needs some time alone to work on himself.

No Contact is best for at least 3 months but don't latch onto any false hope in following this approach. You may never get back together and you must be open minded to this possibility.

After seeing a lot of cases of this recently, and having been in the situation myself, and having talked to 2 male friends who did the same I can say it is extremely common for a man to drop the relationship when he feels he is not himself , or his job is not going well or has to many things to focus on..
For me as a girl this is strange as when females have problems we need someone there to talk to whereas the guy seems to want to be alone
Has this always been the case or is this a new relationship issue..
The guy I talked to first hand a few weeks ago told his girlfriend he needed space and didn't know about he feelings for her (he told me it was because he had completely lost himself and wanted to build himself back up and didn't want her to have to put up with his grumpiness and bad behaviour and he would not be able to be a good boyfriend to her during that time)
I think I'm going to open a new question about this issue as I see so many cases off it recently...

All your points are very valid and bring light to my complicated situation. To my knowledge he has never done this before. I do agree that he is not feeling very "manly" these days. That is definitely taking its toll on him.
I do have some bad news though... I answered the phone when he called. He called me at like 1am and wanted to talk. I was thinking I would say hey all is great for and hang up but it didn't. We ended up together and he agreed to work on the relationship. I told him that I still wanted a little space. I said I would call him next week and we could maybe hang out. He agreed and said that he would not be negative. He would just "go with the flow". I am going to take things really, really slow. I do not want to jump back into the same old cycle. I told him we are starting from a very small relationship and hopefully we can build it into a better one. I am keeping in mind that he still has certain situations and obligations he has to handle during this time so I do no =t have my hopes up unrealistically. I will keep you posted on how things pan out. Keep the advice coming!

For a minute I thought you where my ExGf. This is litterly what I'm going through. The differnece is it's been almost 4 years, and she was the one who broke it off. I still am screwed up and processing everything. One thing I found is this. I felt I was the woman in the relastionship a lot. Regardless of whatever we did, we are not healthy together right now. That means that if we try to "work" on ourselves together, we will end up at the same spot.

It seems he wants to make himself into well... himself. He wants you to still be there when that's done. The only way is to do it himself. By dating him, and pumping up his ego, he's going to rely on you. That's what happened with me. I relied on my Ex so much she felt like mommy half the time.

Taking that path, it will only get unhealthy. I found for me, that if I know she will be there for me, I'll bide my time. If I know that she is there for me now, I'll rely on her completely. If I separate my problems form the "US" part, I can work on them and get healthy. The only way for me to do that is to accept the break up part. For me, the only thing is I don't want to except the "never be together" part.

I totally understand what you are saying. Like I said, everyday I get a little clearer in the situation. Yesterday I realized I am going to have to let him go. I talked to him yesterday very briefly but I will no longer call him. I am going to have to stay my distance. I was doing good until he called me. He made me feel bad because he sadi the thought of me being with soemone kills him. I'm like, "Then get your stuff together dude!" Either way, we have got to leave each other alone for him to feel like himself. He is so far from getting himself together, I know I can't wait for him.

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Originally Posted by yoyolb

I totally understand what you are saying. Like I said, everyday I get a little clearer in the situation. Yesterday I realized I am going to have to let him go. I talked to him yesterday very breifly but I will no longer call him. I am going to have to stay my distance. I was doing good until he called me. He made me feel bad because he sadi the thought of me being with soemone kills him. I'm like, "Then get your stuff together dude!" Either way, we have got to leave each other alone for him to feel like himself. He is so far from getting himself together, I know I can't wait for him.

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I like that in you!!

Gosh you are so strong!!
Excellent!

Well guys, I think I have offiaially moved on in my heart and mind. We talked for the last time this morning and I once again wished him the best. I really felt good letting it go this time. I care about him but, he really needs this time to get his stuff together and It was time to move on.
Yolanda B.

Wow after 4 years ! I think you are the strongest person I've ever seen on this forum!
Good for you.

Well, Rol, when the person you loved for so long is telling you they can't or don't want to love you anymore, what else are you to do?
Ironically he called yesterday to wish me Happy Valentine's Day and asked me to be his Valentine. I was on my way to my PH D. Residency Classes so we couldn't get together and I said just that. He was very upbeat, cheery and chatted me up big time. He was overly nice and concerned about me ( he wanted to know if I made sure to eat before I went to such a long class all night, he wanted make sure I drove carefully and didn't ride on people's bumpers during traffic like I usually do). I was very surprised and just went with the flow. I did not bring up our relationship and neither did he. I just was quiet and answered questions as he asked. I didn't really ask him much. We left on a good note. I don't know what to make of that but, I'm sticking to my guns this time. If he wants me back his is going to have to work! I feel good, I am happy, so I am not letting him slip back in my life if he is going to play games. I will keep you guys posted!
Yo B.

True Yolanda,

I find the behaviour of these people extremely strange, asking you to be his valentine pfff
Did you tell him NO!;-)LOL

<<If he wants me back his is going to have to work! >>
EXACTLY!

For now don't bother to answer any more of his calls.

Good for you!

What age is he?

He is 24 years old so I am older than him. It's never been an issue until now. I have heard through the "grapevine" that he is really confused. He doesn't want to lose me but he feels like he can't take care of me in his current situation so rather than realize that I deeply care for him, he'd rather give me away than risk getting dumped later on down the line.
Based on this info, I did not find it necessary to be mean when he asked me to be his Valentine. He was even sure to point out that he was driving past my house. I told him I saw him and he had that long pause again like "well why didn't you run outside and throw yourself in front of the car and beg me to come inside?" I knew that we couldn't get together because I had things to do. I felt good saying " Sure I'll be your Valentine, well I have to go to my Ph D classes, enjoy the rest of your day!" and getting the hell off the phone. I don't want to give him anything that he already expects. I want him to know that my life is still great without him. I am trying to let him know that he has a small window of opportunity to come at me correctly or else I'm gone.
I try to not answer his phone calls but he calls me from numbers I don't recognize. Since I am a teacher, I get calls all the time from parents and I always answer my phone ( and he knows this).
I have come to the conclusion that men are just as (if not more) emotional as women. They just don't know how to deal with it, which causes them to do and say stupid things.

Every guy I have talked to tells me to be patient ( these are guys that would not lie to me or steer me wrong). His actions say that he cares for me and doesn't want to lose me but now that I told HIM I am moving on he doesn't know how to react. The fact that I have ACTUALLY stopped calling, stopped bringing up the relationship, and stopped begging has him in complete shock.
We shall see how this all unfolds.
For right now, I am stronger than I have ever been and am willing to accept what ever the outcome is. All I am concerned about is being called DR.BROWN in approx. 2 years. That is the best revenge!!
Rol, I read your post and I must say that YOU are strong. What ever came of your situation?

Hi yolanda,
Mine is updated now under https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ide-56487.html
I can relate a lot to what you are going through.
You are doing fine, yes stop asking anymore questions, that will get you nowhere, just keep in uncertainty yourself , don't answer all his calls , be mysterious etc etc.

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Originally Posted by yoyolb

I have come to the conclusion that men are just as (if not more) emotional as women. They just don't know how to deal with it, which causes them to do and say stupid things.

Every guy I have talked to tells me to be patient ( these are guys that would not lie to me or steer me wrong). His actions say that he cares for me and doesn't want to lose me but now that I told HIM I am moving on he doesn't know how to react.

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This is quite often true. It's called emotional intelligence. A very large number of men in Western culture are cavemen where this measure of intelligence is concerned, because we aren't often socialized to deal with that kind of thing. The entire universe of emotional interactions related to romantic love are things that women are heavily socialized to deal with. For evidence, one need only understand that you will only rarely see a serious "romance quiz" in a men's magazine, but they are plastered all over women's mags. Men just go with the flow, expecting to have the armor (a very male metaphor) to deal with relationships without the slightest training.

I have this problem myself, which is why I'm here. The difference between me and many men is that I know it and am trying to soak up knowledge on the subject. But I'm still poor at it, and you don't often get many free passes for bonehead behavior, even though the guy may not understand why he does it or how to behave properly. That is why those guys were saying what they said about your boyfriend. Probably they sympathize.

I mean, I consider myself a fairly bright person, but this being an area I've never really concentrated on, I can only vaguely guess what you mean by "come at me correctly." Not to be flip, but does this entail a dozen roses and a dozen "I'm sorries," because all I can think of right now is clichés...

What I mean by "come at me correctly" is communicate his true feelings to me without the fluff. He is a very "democratic" talker. He will say things in the same sentence that totally contradict each other. For example," I do not want to get back together, I love you and don't want to see another man loving you." Well then stop calling me and asking me what I'm doing. Another example, " I don't want to work things out then call me the next day to tell me Happy Valentines day and ask me to be his Valentine. Although he did not mention anything about getting back together but by asking me to be his Valentine on a day that is set aside for being with significant loved ones sends the message that he still looks at me in that way. Someone who is sure they do not want to work things out would steer clear of sending any mixed signals to someomne they know is in love with them. Basically, don't call me.Let me go if you don't want to get back together or work things out. I used to fall for it everytime but now I have stopped. I had no choice but to walk away and leave him by himself. Maybe then he will have time to think about what he really wants so that way he can come to me with a "real" answer/decision. I called it playing games ( wanting the cake and eating it too) but my male friends insist that he probably really is confused and doesn't want to make a mistake so he says things that allow him to keep the door open in case he wants to come back through it. For me, that window of opportunity is closing. If he decides to attempt to come back through, he is going to have to work. That means be consitent, stay true to his word, and put that extra time and care into proving himself to me. Right now, I am in the process of shutting myself down from him. He has no room for error at this point. Step to me correctly or keep walking buddy!

I too find that personal integrity (mean what you say, say what you mean, make you actions match your words consistency over time) factors a great deal in matters of the heart because it goes straight to the trust department and either adds or subtracts there. Love without trust is possible but the price for that is really in the intimacy department. This is exactly what determines for me the difference between a close personal friend and an acquaintance as well as who I selected as a mate. This is not necessarily the same as some situational confusion that we work through but can be more so a stage of development. Those who substantially lack the ability to make sense are really kids in adult clothing-- lost is often a condition of immaturity. Some are even permanently stuck there as I have met people like that of all ages. Lets hope your friend is not like. I think you are right to think that you need to kiss him on the forehead and think quietly to yourself, maybe after you grow little more but I am not holding my breath. And you certainly can't do the growing for him.

It sounds to me that he doesn't really know what he wants, but is desperate to come to a conclusion. He doesn't have the tools. I've been there. I didn't usually contradict myself in the same sentence, but I have sent mixed signals, because of a lack of understanding of what I was doing and a failure to commit to a course of action. I would rather call his comments "anarchic" than "democratic." There is no one in charge in his statements. His indecision is based on fear, and unfortunately for you, you aren't in a position to break his fear. That's his job. He may not even realize that he's destroying himself.

A famous author once wrote: "Fear is the mind killer." He was right.

Its interesting to see the perspective from a mans point of view who has been there Xochipilli.

Could you tell us what this fear is exactly based on?is it a combination of fears? Fear of losing oneself? Fear of not being able to focus on oneself?

You also sound highly intelligent and I'm beginning to wonder is this a problem faced more by highly intelligent people? That they begin to "think and analyse" far too much.

I know I've had the problem of overthinking a subject and, even worse, attempting to assume the nature of my partner's thoughts which is a road straight to damnation...

But I never allow myself to say what I don't mean and, frankly, become quite irritated with people who believe that statements are just words in the wind...

Don't look at men so dimly, yoyolb... You women folk can be very confusing sometimes! I mean, it's happened far too often for me that I've been told one thing by a woman, see her do something completely different, call her on it and then have it somehow end up being my fault. These things do happen! We get very confused over stuff like that!

And I must wonder, yol... all these things that you've said he must do, have you ever broached them to him? Does he know you find his indecisiveness pathetic? Men can be quite stupid without feedback. However, if you want him gone, who cares whether he knows how he's screwing up... Other than him, of course.

I would categorize Xochipilli as a Behaviorist. He seems very versed in matters of human development and how they effect social behaviors. Like Piaget, Freud, etc.
Anyway ;o)
The fact that he doesn't say what he means and mean what he says is really what's weird to me. Throughout this whole ordeal, his parents and his oldest sister still have no clue what is REALLY going on. His sister called me the other day and was just talking and she asked me something about Jeff and his car and I had to tell her that I don't really talk to him like that anymore. She was like "what?" he said you guys were having problems but I just talked to him the other day and he said you guys were still talking." His mom asked why I don't come by anymore. One of my male friends (who didn't know we had broken up) saw Jeff the other day and asked about "us" and he said that Jeff said we were "chilling". He was in such shock when he called to tell me he saw him and I told him we hadn't been together in over 2 months. He was like what da hell? Why not just say " We are no longer together". ( That is how the whole Male-meeting came about b/c they were like this dude is CONFUSED and they don't want me to cut him off just yet)This is why I called him "democratic". He doesn't want to look bad so he paints this picture that looks good for "everyone". Maybe I should simply just call call him a "politician".
LBP-
I agree that woman can be just as confusing ;o) I didn't mean to make it seem that I was male-bashing. That is not my purpose at all. I am just trying to understand Jeff a little better because I am at the point of letting go. I love this man with all my heart but I do not want to keep putting my heart out there to be played with. Like I said, time will tell if he was confused or if he really wants out. I am just not sitting by and falling for everything he does anymore. I don't want him gone, I want him to get it together, with or without me. I have not told him what he needs to do because that is for HIM to realize. I am done trying to persuade, convince, or force myself on him. This is something he needs to do on his own.

I would hope his family at some point would urge him to seek help. From your latest description, he is seriously disconnecting from reality and that may be a sign of an emerging mental illness or an emotional crisis that would really benefit by professional help. Refusing to deal with life on life's terms is not just a quirky personal perspective from what I have seen/experienced and to view it that way underestimates how much is really going wrong. Letting go of him while making it plain to his family that you think he needs help is all you can do. Then its up to him. You are done at that point and free to begin the grieving process. I am so sorry for your loss.

Gosh its amazing but he sounds exactly like my ex.
Confusion is not the word!
My ex didn't even tell his family that the wedding was cancelled , I rang the sister in law 1 month before our proposed wedding as I had to ask her if she knew what was going on with him and she told me that she did not know the wedding was off, that she thought we were just living separately. Many other things that happened also led me to believe he was losing his mind. He didn't tell anyone either.

I cannot understand this "FEAR" and confusion. This also prevents me from completely understand as I do not know what happened.

<< Like I said, time will tell if he was confused or if he really wants out. I am just not sitting by and falling for everything he does anymore. I don't want him gone, I want him to get it together, with or without me.>>

I definitely think he is completely confused,When I talked with my ex in October he told me he was confused for 5 months and he was still definitely confused even then. The words and actions just did not match.

I think the best thing now yol is just to get on with your life and leave him to work things out, try not to see him while he is in this confusion or I think you will both get even more confused..

My Male friends say it is fear of losing me, but knowing that he can't hold on to me without a commitment. They say a man has to feel like a man at all times, whether it's washing the car, working on their motorcycles, or taking out the trash. Right now he doesn't feel like much of a man. Remember he had no job, his car was messed up, and he lives with his parents. He has a dad at home but he says he can't talk to him about matters of the heart. His older brother is a mess as well. He says all the time that he does not want to end up like him. Apparently my male friends have all been at this point at one time or another and they want me to hold on before I do anything hasty. They say just relax. No crying, whining, and calling. Just chill and work on me. Date, have fun, go out but they swear he will come to senses soon. They claim that ignoring his phone calls is not the key. Answer the phone but sound cheery and get off the phone quickly. Like you said ROL, be mysterious.

I don't think he has a mental illness, I think he is CONFUSED and SCARED.
I have larned that other people have gone through this as well. People such as ROL. I don't think her fiancé was crazy, juts scared of commitment.
I agree with ROL. I am moving on and working on me. If he comes around then great. If not, I am still okay.

<<He has a dad at home >>

Just one more question, what happened to his mother?

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Originally Posted by yoyolb

I don't think he has a mental illness, I think he is CONFUSED and SCARED. I have larned that other poeple have gone through this as well. People such as ROL. I don't think her fiance was crazy, juts scared of commitment. I agree with ROL. I am moving on and working on me. If he comes around then great. If not, I am still okay.

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I realise that the suggestion of a mental illness is a hot button for some folks and if it is with you, forgive me. I also mentioned that it may be an emotional crisis too but that somehow got lost in the shuffle. I certainly see confusion like you initially described as possibly a temporary thing people work through and said so in an earlier post. What you said lately seems more extreme in terms of not dealing with reality which is why I took note and responded likewise. I don't think anyone can accurately predict where stuff like this goes in any individual, not even the ones trained in assessment. And no one needs to be "crazy" to be in trouble. It hits me as sad they are left alone and floundering, encouraged to tough it out (when its clear they aren't) only because seeking professional help carries such an unwarranted stigma. I am not a big fan of time doing anything but make one older. And if nothing changes, well then nothing will change. If I am not helpful here, well, at least I have been accurate about what I see in the world and honest with you about it. I really do wish the best for all of you.

His mom is fine. They just are not the kind of family that talks about relationship things. In a way. He is like th man of the house. His dad can not walk very well and it seems that the simplest things fall on him. Ex; getting his neices and nephews something to eat, driving his mom around to take pictures for work. It's like, when is he ever suppose to handle his own business? It's a whole story I don't even want to get into ;o)

What women don't always get that commitment is a life changing event, and unless you have the maturity, and the incentive it is hard to embrace such a concept, as you are now responsible for more than just yourself. Scared is an understatement to a young guy faced with the task of getting himself together, and feeding and housing himself. Try terrified to get a more accurate feel for his emotions. He has to prove his worth to himself before he can feel comfortable with committing to someone else's well being. Who wants to go from living with dad to taking care of a relationship without the benefit of doing for himself. That experience comes with the doing. He is not ready, or at that point and you can only let him find his way for now, but don't wait on a maybe. You do have your own life to live.

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Originally Posted by yoyolb

His mom is fine. They just are not the kind of family that talks about relationship things. In a way. he is like th man of teh house. His dad can not walk very well and it seems that the simplest things fall on him. Ex; getting his neices and nephews something to eat, driving his mom around to take pictures for work. It's like, when is he ever suppose to handle his own bussiness? It's a whole story I don't even want to get into ;o)

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I wish I had read this before I posted as he is between a rock and hard place. They depend on him and you want him, what a choice to make.

Yeah the latest post makes me think he needs time to take care and focus on himself without a relationship to focus on also. He cannot give you his best right now, and the more I am reading these days I really think if a guy cannot give his total 100 percent to a relationship he prefers to drop it.

It may be that in order to have the healthy relationship you want him to have with you, he may first have to find a way to extricate himself from what is beginning to sound like something of a dysfunctional family. A family culture that is not talking about relationships really says a lot to me (like what else isn't being talked about, for starters) and having a sick parent in any capacity is ALWAYS a tremendous burden to which people often maladapt. Reviewing the movie "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" could be very enlightening -- I know it was for me. It may be that he is not available for a relationship period -- unless and until the dynamics of his family life changes and only he can do something about that. LOL And before anyone jumps my stuff about calling his family possibly dysfuntional, please let me pose this thought: a healthy family would find a way to solve their problems without requiring that he sacrifice any aspect of his life including the means of having a relationship. I have played a small part (in my previous profession) in seeing families arrange to solve with fairness with some outside help very nicely.