Hello,
I do not want why I am doing this, I know what you all are going to say but still maybe I need to share...

I am 29 years old and for some unknown damn reason I have had only one real relationship which lasted about 1 year and ended 2 months ago. In years I learned to live alone and lonely. It depressed me at first but as time went by I got used to it. Not happy, not at all, but used to it. I guess all that time living alone some negative energy and depression accumulated. I am beautiful girl, smart - most of my female friends envy me about that - they all say "at least you are pretty"... Ya, so what! Did that made me happy or loved? I am also a very emotional - I needed love badly, I needed human touch. And last year I met this guy...

He had his baggage, hard life, complexes and others just like me. He was not social just like me. He had previous relationships that were not as emotional as ours because he prefers calmness even when this means no feelings. We had several good months, very emotional, we liked each other a lot, we could not believe that we are so alike and like the same odd things. We used to dream about a house and a family together. My first real relationship after 8 years of loneliness and hopes! He was a difficult person as I was.

I was stupid - I wanted all things that people experience in many relationships in time from him now and here. I was childish - I wanted romantic gestures and so on. And he did those - but only for several months. And then it all went down.

We started screaming and fighting constantly with short periods of peace and good times. My depression started - I cried all the time, called him repeatedly during night. He could not handle this. We insulted each other very much. I was mad because he stopped fighting for our relationship which resulted in permanent crying and torture. He blamed me for my constant accusations. At the end he said that he can't do that anymore, that we separated months ago and now we simply just should stop seeing physically each other.

And now I am back to where I was - loneliness. A note - I live in a poor country in eastern Europe where reality is much more different. Life is hard. People are hopeless, bad...

For 2 months now I can`t stop crying. I have no real friends I could share that with. I still hope he will come back. I begged him in the first weeks, went to his place only to find him reject me in the kindest possible way which hurt even more. He said he stopped loving me in time but in that last night I went to him all over in tears again, he cried, said he love me but simply "can`t do that". He said he can`t give me what I want and that I will find somebody else. And now 2 months later, no contact, I still keep thinking of him every single minute. My works suffers from that, by body, my home, let alone my mental state.

I know I should move on - strangely I do not want to. Move on to what? Sport and go out - done that. Emptiness just consumes me wherever I am, whatever I am doing. I have been alone before, I know how to fill my time, I have been self sufficient and independent for a lot of time. I live alone and I have moved alone 3 times, all by myself.

I realized my mistakes and tried to tell him that. No result.

Any thoughts?

Your right most people here will say to move on that there is plenty of other fish in the sea. More relationships in the future if you are open to it.

The thing is you say that where your living is not much hope, poorer country and all that. The thing is the way your feeling happens to people all over the world. Rich and poor. Your story is a familiar one.

I would think you ask anybody and they feel that from time to time even if they do have everything they want in life, or even for the people who do not.

Here is the thing feeling emotional, feeling lonely, feeling upset a lot are signs that there may be more going on.

Have you ever thought about any kind of counseling or therapy to talk through things? If it is available where your at.

Your still very very young and still have a whole future ahead of you, but before getting into another relationship you do need to work on how your feeling.

Until you are able to work through why your feeling the way you do, until you start thinking differently and feeling differently any relationship you have will have a lot more issues to deal with until.

Every relationship has its ups and downs and arguments but does not always mean the end. Just to reassure you.

Thank you for writing out how your feeling and hope you have more answers coming your way that might help trigger some healing within yourself.

Joe

Joe, thank you!
Your reply alone is of a much value to me. Yes, I know I have other issues. Me and this man (he was 7 years older than me but not maturer than me, I dare to say) got together in a very difficult time for us both. No money, my salaries did not come in time, his business went downhill and he had to loan a lot of money from friends. But still - I did not mind as long as I has what I dreamt of years - having somebody near you. You can`t even imagine what it is like to be in your whole 20s alone. These years when people have relationships and learn from them. I was alone - on every Christmas, every summer, every valentine`s day - alone for 8 years.
Counselling - yes I thought about it. But the situation now even though I managed to change my job to a one with a lower but reguar salary is not better. I can`t afford that right now.
I know my issues might be bigger than I think but I simply do not know how to resolve them. I realize I am m burdened with family issues - my father cheated on my mother a lot, lot of times. He has 2 other kids from 2 different women. My uncles also did the same. But in the same time my boy`s father also abandoned them while he was little. So I suppose he never learned how he should behave in a family environment. We also shared a very important thing in common - a special and rare hobby which made both of us very happy.
I dream for him to call me back and to try again. But we did try again for several times after big fights. It simple did not work. I felt him so distant the last time we were together. He avoided my kiss, hugs...
Sometimes I have moments when I feel deep anger to him. I remember things like when I was depressed and crying and I asked through tears "please just hug me" and he did not move at all. Or when we had a fight and I had a birthday and I expected him to call me and to reconciliate. It did not happen. I just needed to see that he cares, that he makes an effort. That was all I needed to see, feel... I guess his feelings subdued a long time ago but I just did not want to realize that.
Yes, I am open to a new relationship except that I know it will never be one again. Why? I see how men are around here. Rude, cheating, most of them lack basic knowledge of how to treat women. Most women do not mind because if they do, they will stay alone for the rest of their lives. I have a lot of examples for that around. I`ve seen them.
I do not want to be positive any more. To force myself to be happy. I`ve been doing that for years. It does not provoke anything but self illusion.
I guess I will keep existing and feeling sorry for myself and the wasted years until God at some point says "Okay, enough now for you. Next time more".
Thank you for replying, Joe!

I've read what you and Joe have written, and wonder if in your country there are counselors who work on a sliding scale as to what you can afford, or are there priests/ministers who do counseling as part of their ministry?

First you need to learn to love yourself and believe you have value. I don't think you do right now.

(I have more ideas too.)

Dear Wondergirl,
Thank you to you too! I will be glad if you can send these ideas through email, maybe? I really feel tired, desperate, I feel I have so much love to give and no one to give to or do not know how to give it (one of my mistakes was that I was extremely jealous, to a suffocating extent) but if there is some way to overcome that pain, that desperation, emptiness... I just do not believe anymore. Through years I had many moments of desperation but always I standed up and thought positive. This time I have no strength to do it again. For what purpose? Myself? I am just a tiny bit of the universe. And what an irony - if you see me from outside - am just a manifestation of happiness - I have a beautiful and cozy home, I am slim and pretty, I have a great job, friends (unfortunately they are only for good times, not for crisis times), I regulary go for a walk in the near mountain, I love animals, I have regularly foster animals with me until a permanent home is found for them, I do that for years, so I have been helping a lot to other, I have a sense of humor and yet inside I am this mess that can`t keep a guy for more than a few months.

You have a lot of love to give, don't you -- and you've found ways to give it, especially to homeless animals who need it so desperately.

If I met you for coffee, what would I like about you? What would I say to myself about you hours later? -- "I really enjoyed being with her because...."

... because she is witty and has a sense of humor... That is what people say.
Yes, I enjoyed that thing with the animals but now I feel somehow burnt out. Those type of emotions are very intense and I have felt them many times. I`ve been blessed with that. But now I feel this is not enough any more. I do it but I do not enjoyed as much as before. I need a human relation, human communication, intimate communication (not talking about sex but about intimate communication, sharing, talking and men do not do that, right :) ) maybe I want a family already, who knows... And what happened with my ex just made everything so bitter, so senseless. MAybe I really am destined to be alone forever. There are such people, you know. It became clear that I am unable to keep a relationship. I do now know how. But how should I learn? Isn`t it with practice? I lack the practice, the experience. I thought it was easy as long you love somebody. It turned out that love is not enough. As it in that song...
I also find it hard to deal with rejection and facing the fact that this person has no feelings for me. It is painful and I wonder how long it will take to fully ACCEPT IT... I find it impossible. I already thought that despite all of the conflicts between us, there was always something special that kept us coming back to each other every time. Breaking the illusion... I sound as if I am realizing it all right? So ironic.

It sounds like you are an intense person and want your partner to be equally intense and passionate about you and about the things you enjoy. Am I right?

Where do you hang out, socialize, have fun? -- clubs, bars, church picnics, libraries, friends' homes?

Wondergirl, yes, I think you might be right. And my boy simply needed more calmness in his life, a calm routine, no hysteria or overemotion. I was always blaming him for never speaking in evenings with me. He was just tired and I was childish...
Well, socializing. Touch question. I have few friends - 3,4. All females. We do not go to clubs, bars. We sometimes go for a beer in fast food café or similar and we go to the mountain almost every weekend. But these are my animal friend, so to say, to the only subject of conversations are animals. I do not hate that but I find myself not enojoying it as much as I did before. I put a lot of passion in this before. Maybe I need a new inspiration? But I do not have the energy for that now. Not to mention that I have a huge disappointment in people in general and communication now is not that... satisfying as before. I do not know...

Tell me more about your son. (I have two of them myself.)

No, I am sorry, I did not make myself clear - I have no children. I referred to my ex with "my boy".
God bless your boys :)

Ah, now I understand!

Be sure to let us know how things go in finding help.

You say that your friends are only there for the good times, not for the crises. But have you ever tried sharing with them that you are having tough times and could do with a shoulder to cry on, a bit of support?

Sometimes we get so used to putting a brave face on things that we manage to convince everyone around us that we breeze through life without a care, when that's far from the truth.

You have shared with us about all the cheating, hopeless men you have met, starting with your own family, which obviously hasn't given you a very positive view on men. You say that most men haven't learned how to treat a woman. So please bear with me while I ask you what might sound like a weird question, but which I hope might lead somewhere helpful - how did you learn how a man should treat a woman?

I also want to say that 2 months isn't long to recover from a break-up, especially one that you had so much invested in after a long time alone, so please do be patient with yourself. It all takes time.

The mistake you did her is base your little happiness that you had on someone else. Happiness is internal, and it only grows if you have learn to be happy by yourself. It is OK for someone to intesify your personal happiness but not to create it for you. Stay single, learn how to deal with your problems and how to be happy on your own, and then try to find someone that wants to be with you. How can you expect to be happy with someone else when you are not even able to keep yourself happy? You don't need someone to make you happy, and when you learn how to be happy on your own, you will attract a different type of person, a person that will be able to treat you the way you should be treated, and allow you to treat him the way you would like to treat him, until then, your relationships will be miserable like this one. Make a choice, BE HAPPY.

Thank you all so much!
It turns out I do not deserve your support. I called him yesterday. I thought a lot last days and I decided to talk calmly with him and try to discuss things. We talked several times. He has someone else already. Since 1 month actually. Only month after we separated. And I do not know why it hurt like hell. It turns out that I am extremely weak, extremely childish, extremely stupid, extremely naïve, extremely romantic and most of all extremely stupid. I can`t stop picturing... in my mind. He told me he feels lost, too overwhelmed with work and other people, needs to be alone, to spend some time with his thoughts, that she does mean anything to him but she helps him because she distracts him from problems and reality. I find it hard to understand if you want to find yourself again why you enter a new relationship.. Why you hurt the other girl the same way.. He cried a lot, I cried. He refused to meet. I really do not want to sound like a child but I feel betrayed somehow. I did not expect exactly him, exactly him, the type of person that he is, to jump only month after separation in another woman`s bed. Why is it so easy for you guys? It`s 6 am, I slept a little more than 2 hours, 4 not working days are ahead of me and the only thing I want and think about is him and his new girl.
I am sorry - I really do not deserve any word here.
Thank you!

Please, please, stop beating yourself up.
How on earth do his actions make you a bad person?

I can relate to the fact you feel really lousy. Many years ago a guy I had been dating for a couple of years, my first love, dumped me. Within weeks he was engaged to another woman and within months married. I wondered what was so special about her, so wrong with me, in his eyes.

I have now been married to another man, a much better man in my opinion, for 26 years. Sure we have had our ups and downs, it hasn't all been story-book romance. Life isn't. But if I could stand these two men side by side; the man who dumped me all those years ago couldn't hold a candle to my husband. I don't know what the future holds for you, but if stop you telling yourself you don't deserve anything good then you have way more chance of getting something good. When it comes to love we have to love ourselves first. You're not doing that right now at all.

Don't taint all men with the same brush. They are not all the same. Don't let the rejection of you by one person colour your entire judgement of yourself. Who on earth is that perfect?

Now, you know he is with someone else. Stop all communication with him, stop trying to get in his head and work out why he is with her and not you. The fact is he has made his choice and that's all you need to know.

Now you are in pain and need time to heal. So stop beating yourself up, that isn't going to make it happen. Would you say these things to someone else if they confinded in you that they were so unhappy that their relationship had just failed? Would you call them all the names you are calling yourself and tell them they didn't even deserve to ask for support or receive it?

Thank you all so much!

I had several really emotional and devastating days. I do not know what happened to me and why I did and am still doing this. I just can`t let go! Let go of him, of my new dreams about having a second chance with all of my changed viwes, about accepting the fact that he is holding someone else in his arms. I realized I have great emotional problems. I must work on them! It is even likely that I might have some disorder or similar. I did some very stupid things these days, I wrote hundreds of text messages, mails, the one and only reply I got was "I will never forget you". Nothing else - I asked for explanation, deciding this will help me. No reply. I have been changing my moods and emotions so fast - in one moment I feel devastated, the next I feel optimistic, next I am sure he will come back and this will be our new great relationship. Reality is horrible, right now it`s 1.00 am and I can`t stop feeling such an enormous pain.
You know since I do not have relationship experience I naively believed in everything that movies and books sell to us. I thought - if you love somebody, everything is possible. And for 2 months ater we broke up I realized how egoistic I was, how demanding, etc. I tried to change, tried to picture if he comes back, how I will change my reactions and will accept him the way he was. I tied to imagine - would I manage to accept all those bad qualities, habits and so on of his that always made me angry. And the answer was - yes, because that is part of him. And moreover - these were normal things and I was just over histerical.
So I told him all that. He said it was too late now. He cried and said = why now, why so late, why did not you listen to me. He absolutely did not want to speak to me or see me. Just text messages. And here comes my emotional problems - I forced him to speak to me and even meet me for an hour. I could not accept his no because he was giving me hopes. I became obsessive. For only 4 days I have sent a least 40 messages. In the beginning he was replying, then he stopped. I wrote to him - okay, I am saying goodbye forever and he replied just "no!". So again - the hope was there. I was so sure that he had feelings which only by themselves will make him come back. I was and maybe still I am on the emotional rollercoaster - I can`t control what is happening inside. When we met - God, just seeing him... I felt such a true happiness. You can`t even imagine! We talked a little, hugged, kissed, he was both rejecting me and not. I know you will judge me - I have no pride and so on. I know! I know! But I do not regret it. Not for a second. After sending all of those text messages he finally said that I have not changed, I am still the same and I am pressing him. And this girl - she gives me excape from problems, from reality and work, I feel calm with her. And with me he felt always anxious and angry. This is actually true love = when a person feels comfortable around somebody else and not always anxious as it was with me. Right? Strong feelings aren`t a sign for anything - they are just emotions. It is so hard and painful for me to realize this - he feels better with somebody else, he does not feel anything again for me. I miss him terribly. I was so sure that when I told him I changed and I can accept all those things that made us fight all the time, and after we meet, he would come back. I was even picturing it again - doing all the things again together with my attitude changed. I felt relieved I will not be bothered by those things. I would just have accepted them and enjoy what I loved for him. I was determined to put into practise what I have read during those two months about relationship, about giving him the space he needs and stopping being so demanding and nervouse and just enjoying his presence and love. I was so sure that our love was not lost. In the first days from these horrible 4 he said - I buried all the feelings and I just can`t unbury them. That gave me hope so I literally harassed him - phone calls, texts and finally meeting. Well, it did not change anything. Maybe it just made me realize I have an obsession with that first relationship, obsession with ending the loneliness, I needed him because he was something I knew and was close and that gave me warmth. In the last day, he was so sure - no, we can`t be together, I need time not for you but to find myself, leave me alone.
Now I am back here. I have short moments during those days that I felt I have lost him forever but then I fell back - no, it can`t be over, it`s us, all of the hopes and great times can`t be in vain, I must fight, I must show him.
Now I must fight only with myself - resisting those urges, those obsessions, this ego, finally letting go. I do not know how will I do that. I feel good in the mornings, even now when I type here but as the evening comes I start fading away into dreams and hopes. I want a relationship! I just want it - and I wanted it with him. I pictured myself with him changed and it just breaks my heart that I will not have a chance to experience what I have learned.
I am sorry I use this as a journal. Last night I went out with friends and could not contain myself - I cried right there on the table, surrounded with people who were just having fun. I went out just to send the last portion of texts saying I will wait for him. Pretty desperate right!
I realize I am a complete mess. This morning I promised myself for n time that I will let him go. I sent again a message saying I stop stalking him. I`ve done that before so no wonder he did not reply and maybe believe me.
He is with her now, I do not know who she is, he refused to tell me, because I know her obviously. And I am here alone again, dumped for a second time by the same guy with no pride and dignity and the worse is that I do not regret being so pathetic. I thought I was fighting. But I have lost the war a long time ago. Now I just have to deal with the pain of that fact. I do not want to remember but the only thing that feel good about was the memory when we hugged... It felt so close, so familiar. It`s hard to just let it go.

Such a mess... I do not know even where to start from - maybe first I will have to look for a magnifying glass to gather the pieces from my broken heart again

I know how to be happy on my own. I did that for 8 years. And I was happy. But I miss human touch, human closeness, when we met I was expecting things to be just like in the movies. It turned out that he is human too. Now I realize how great he actually was. No wonder he has another girl, right? But I still can`t let it all go, I find myself constantly thinking - how and why did he find another one so soon? Before me he had about 1 year single life after his previous girlfriend left him. He said "it all happened naturally, i did not look for anything". I try to control my thoughts but most often I think about how is with her and doing all of the things we used to do. I miss those things - the company of another human being. Friends - no, it`s not that easy to make friends especially with my daily habits.

Yes, I have tried to ask my friends for help. We went out and I could not contain myself - I cried right there. We talked a little, mainly they said I have to move on. Since then they avoid the subject. And I need to talk about it - I do not know whether this is good or bad?
It is just that the pain from realizing how wrong you were, the pain from knowing how you can correct that and the pain from knowing that you lost this person forever... it`s just too much.
I tried imagining myself with somebody else, they all say I must be hoping that I will meet somebody again - I just can`t do it! When I go to bed I always think of something good, warm, before I used to dream about him and me, about our future, now I feel emtpy and going to sleep has become so difficult. I do not want to idolize him, but now I really see how great he was and how stupid and childish and naïve I was. Now he has a harmonious relatioship and with my last actions I just proved that I am the same. I just wanted to badly to show him, I could not wait... And what happened...

Okay, guys, I need help.
He replied to me giving me some sort of what I needed. He said he does not want me to suffer and that is why he is not responding to my emials, texts, whatsoever. He said that we simply cannot be together and we both know why. He wants this torture to end for both of us.

Okay, I realize his words. How can I realize that I cannot change anything. Because I really spent those 2 months thinking on me, realizing how wrong I was, how I did not know how to love or be loved back. It`s true! I simply did not know how to do it. And now the problem is I have to accept the fact that I will never ever had the chance to make things right. I wanted so badly, I knew I could. But he will not allow me. How can I let it all go? Him, my homes, my wish to fight for the relationship. I must just let it go - in the very moment when I knew what and how I must do to make it better.

How is your search going for counseling?
You probably won't have another relationship with him, but it does not mean you won't have another relationship, but first you need to get a grip on your emotions. You are not ready for one if it did come your way right now.
You really need to search for some counseling. I think it would help you filter all these feelings you're having.

I will try to find the right specalist for counseling, yes. I need that desperately obviously.

Meanwhile I am still thinking and analyzing. I`ve come to realize that I was physically abusive to him during our relationship. Very aggressive verbally! I used to lash out at him, scream, insult. I used to say that I he is bad, he is torturing me, our relationship is doomed and I did not mena any of these... His reactions were the most normal ones... How else a person can behave...
Please, I will be very grateful if you can provide me with links or information about dealing with verbal aggression.

Reading a web site about how to curb verbal and/or physical abuse sounds like a good idea, but it doesn't address the central problem: how you feel about yourself.

When a person bullies or abuses another person, the abuser has a self-esteem problem. He's not at all happy with himself and has to put another person down in order to feel good.

That's why we are urging you to find and meet with a counselor. The counselor will help you find yourself and begin to like yourself through all sorts of techniques that may include active listening, observing your body language and voice tones, asking open-ended and closed questions, paraphrasing what you say, summarizing your comments, giving you homework, and role playing.

Please give counseling a try and keep us informed as to how it's going.

Yes, I will try to find a counseler. Unfortunately I do not know exactly where to look. I spoke with a friend of mine who went to one but she said that the only thing he did is just listen to her. Basically she said I was there to say it all loud but did not find any answers to my questions...

Listening to the client is 80% and more of what happens.

Do you expect a counselor to tell you what to do? Or, a better question, what are your expectations?

Well my expectations are similar to what you explained. I know he/she must listen to my story first. But then maybe I expect her impartial and professional opinion, maybe some exercises, etc. This is just my friend`s experience. She went for sessions together with her ex boyfriend with who she had relationship for 15 years old and went there to try to find closure so she can move on.Maybe their story is a lot different...

That's true. I would work with couples who want to improve their relationship very differently from how I would work with an unhappy employee of a small family-run business or a mother with a problem child.

Therapists often don't give their opinions. In fact, their opinion is of no use. Do you know why?

No, I do not know why. I mean more like a solutin, definition - yes, you have that and that problem, you must work on that and that. Like gidance, the most I need now.

All right, then. I challenge you to do this: Find a counselor and go to your first appointment. Then post here and let me know what happened and how you felt about it.

We can sit and chat back and forth about how counseling should be. Now it's time to get to work. I'll be here waiting.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by broken_bottle

No, i do not know why. I mean more like a solution, definition - yes, you have that and that problem, you must work on that and that. Like guidance, the most i need now.

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You are looking for a quick easy to follow solution to your problems when there is NONE! It's a process of self awareness and self discovery that takes work and honesty on your part as you look at yourself.

That's what counseling is, guidance through the problems you have and working to your own solution. That's all they do, is guide you. YOU must do the work, and its hard, and a lot of it. Not to scare you, but just INFORM you to give yourself a chance of letting the process work, by trying it. No it won't be easy at all. Its not supposed to be, but its better than suffering through the unknown alone.

By your own writing, which I see as reaching out, I know you want help through this process, so do this for yourself, and good luck.

Thank you, Talaniman.