Ask Me Help Desk - Winning her back

I work with a female I dated about 6 months ago ,we began sharing the same break table when we started dating .When the relationship ended (by my hand) she continued to come back and sit with me .I decided to try again with her because the first time I ended it I was afraid of getting to close which we were .I felt like that she really cared for me because she didn't go sit anywhere else .This break table is isolated and away from everyone else so we are alone .About three months ago I expressed my desire to start over again ,she said she didn't trust me and that we needed to start by being friends again .I have only been to her house once since that time .The other day our relationship came up and she said she had no feelings for me because I destroyed them but was halfway smiling when she said that ,I was hurt .I have been super nice trying to win her back .I then ask her why do you sit with me everyday if you have no feelings for me she bumbled through words and couldn't give me an answer.. My question is did she really mean it ?Women say one thing and mean another... please help

Jrock

Sounds like to me... personally, she is messing with your head. I might turn the tables a little bit. Try not to act like you are interested so much. Maybe she will appreciate you more if you are not so "available!" :) Distance makes the heart grow fonder! Good luck.

I would say that she's confused. She probably doesn't want to get hurt again so she's testing you to see what your response is when she says she doesn't care. I'd play it safe and just continue what your doing but not making her a focal point of your life. To me it seems if you continue that path she may come around.

Thanks Chuff that's what I thought as well ,needed to hear it from an unbiased person.Me personally if I didn't have feelings from someone I would not go around them .I am going to stay the course I do not there is not another person involved... J

They say we are truer in our actions than we are in our words. But I would be mindful that she is saying one thing and doing another can be how fragile her trust for you really is. Go slow and be consistent this time. She could easily have you written down as being afraid of closeness because of how and when you bailed so you can hardly ask for closeness in return just yet. This will take twice the patience it did the first time. There are no guarantees here. I hope that helps.

From a female perspective, I think she is messing with your head a little. I say cut her off completleyy and see how she acts. Don't be mean, just stop speakign with her at length. Say hello and goodbye and that's it. Her reaction will tell you how she really feels. Trust me, If she feels like her game has backfired, she'll straighten up.

She likes you but is being cautious this time and understandably so as you bailed before. I think its you who are confused.

Quote:

Originally Posted by yoyolb

From a female perspective, I think she is messing with your head a little. I say cut her off completleyy and see how she acts. Don't be mean, just stop speakign with her at length. Say hello and goodbye and that's it. Her reaction will tell you how she really feels. Trust me, If she feels like her game has backfired, she'll straighten up.

Darned tootin', put her in her place! Show her just how tough guy you are! That will certainly make her stop playing games since you just now soooo one-upped her by playing a better one. :rolleyes: LOL

And if she perhaps isn't playing games, it will make her instantly trust you and do your every bidding --- NOT! Sheesh.

Just be sure to be prepared for a reaction like mine, if she happens to be is a quality person who has been confused by your ambivilent actions.
If you were to do this to me, I would quietly and permanently close the door forever having labeled you a gamer or a hot head on top of having intimacy issues.

So why is it when I ask her out she always makes up an excuse to not go ? Is it that she still doesn't trust me yet? I have waited a while before I ask her out... J

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrock39

So why is it when I ask her out she always makes up an excuse to not go ? Is it that she still doesn't trust me yet? I have waited a while before I ask her out...J

That's her way of making sure this thing goes 5 mph, overly polite though it may be. You might ask her if she'd be willing to give you a sign when asking her out would be appropriate. That way you don't have to keep asking and getting the excuses. She either be willing to do that or she won't.

You were trusted before and you rejected her, so of course she will be in no hurry to have that happen again. If you want her back, she is going to make sure this time, and you will work very hard to convince her that she is what you want. Do you really think she would just forgive and forget and fall in your lap?

I agree with the whole leaving her alone thing but I also think that you should not just one day stop acknowledging her I think that you should be sincere to her and let her know that you are feeling her that your feelings for her never went away and that you wanted to make things right, tell her why you broke up with her but how you feel like you was just being immature and realized that being close to her is what you would like and how you want to start over but that you respect her discission and that you will leave her alone. That way she knows how you feel and then if she was just playing games with you and you really stop paying attention to her she won't feel shy on approaching you cause she knows how you feel.

Another thing is really treat her like a friend, talk to her like you would with your buddies when she flirts call her out on it if she still likes you this will really bother her.

But on the other hand if you say you just broke up with her cause your relationship was getting to serious than why is it that she can't trust you and feels as if you have to start as friends it seems to me as if something else went down.

Hey guys thanks for all the great responses ,A little more info from my end would probably help here .I am at fault here ,when I got cold feet I stopped accepting her calls ,I didn't respond to text messages etc.. I did continue to sit with her at work even though she would cry daily ,she told me she was falling for me .I have not dated anyone since ,she after four months of break up began to date and has said she is not dating anyone right now, none of these guys (2) caused sparks .I told her today God is taking me through tribulations to teach me a lesson and must have something really special waiting when he knows I have learned my lesson to which she replied "you need to learn not to do what you did again" .I think that's it she thinks I will get her back and then cut and run again.. What do you guys think?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrock39

"you need to learn not to do what you did again" .I think thats it she thinks I will get her back and then cut and run again ..What do you guys think?

I think that is exactly it. She's scared and to be honest she has every right to be. It sounds like she's still interested but from her point she has a lot more to lose than you do. Getting hurt twice by the same person could really suck. On top of that you work together so she has to see you regardless of what happens. Like I said I'd just keep doing what your doing and play it safe. But be aware she's going to play it safer.

Honestly if you have no feelings for this female then you should move on as just a few dates is not worth playing with someone's feelings. Maybe you should have taken your breaks else where because you knew how she felt and you knew how she was hurt, and you know how she feels now, scared to trust you. No where in this post have you acknowledged any feelings for her so Even I am suspicious of your motives.

I do have strong feelings for her.However today was a bad day she told me to move on she has no intentions of ever getting back with me,she said that there will never be another me and you. I am devastated I am confused as to where that came from.. I told her I was losing sleep over this and she said you are waiting for something that isn't going to happen.. I think she means it any comments ?

MOVE ON!! Leave her alone and get over it. Nice try but no cigar. Next time you find a good one don't runaway, its so hard to get them back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrock39

I do have strong feelings for her.However today was a bad day she told me to move on she has no intentions of ever getting back with me,she said that there will never be another me and you. I am devastated I am confused as to where that came from..I told her I was losing sleep over this and she said you are waiting for something that isn't going to happen ..I think she means it any comments ?

I'd suspect that she does mean it. I guess up until now she was probably just having fun at the expense of your emotions. Perhaps to get back at you for dropping her.

Either way you got your answer, maybe not the one you wanted but it still allow you to move on and know that it's over as opposed to wandering around in limbo.

Thanks for the replies ,I don't understand why she wants to continue to sit with me everyday she said that will not change...

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrock39

Thanks for the replies ,I don't understand why she wants to continue to sit with me everyday she said that will not change ...

She probably likes teasing you emotionally. She knows that your interested. You dumped her and that gave you some authority or power over her but then you came back which gave her the power. So now she can sit with you everyday and know that she's in control.

Maybe she thinks of it as her seat and is expecting you to sit elsewhere, as strange as that sounds. She has lost so much already, maybe one more thing is one too many, even if its just a silly seat?

Its at my work station out away from the break area ,she comes to me .When I am not at work she sits in her vehicle does not sit there.. even more confusing eh...

That is strange. Then I'd be willing to guess that its something about your presence but it doesn't translate well beyond that, whatever it is or does for her. She probably doesn't fully understand it herself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrock39

Its at my work station out away from the break area ,she comes to me .When I am not at work she sits in her vehicle does not sit there ..even more confusing eh...

Find somewhere else to be before she shows up for a while.

Hello all ,an update.. I did not sit with her at first break and she was visibly upset ,we did sit together at lunch .I ask her why did she no longer had feelings for me to which she replied "I lost them with the trust I had for you " .I told her why I got cold feet ,I said I was falling for you and was very afraid you would go back to your ex and I just shut down which is true .She said why didn't you talk to me about it instead of shut down ,she said you did ask me and I told you I would never go back .I said I was still scared of all these feelings.. I then said there are so many things I wish I would have told and I broke down something I do not do and I couldn't talk anymore.. She got up and left the table but was tearing up as well... so that's where we are...

I will just leave it alone, it seems as if she enjoys your company and likes you allot as a person but not as her man. I will give her space and talk about you and her anymore I will be straight forward and just tell her "I have told you how I felt and how I regret what I did I honestly am sorry for hurting you those were not my intentions at all but I respect your decision and love having you around so if friends is what you want to be I respect that" and leave it at that and no longer speak about you and her unless she brings up and then don't seem so vulnerable. Good luck and I really do wish you move on all you are doing is stressing and hurting over something that can no longer be changed. I understand where you are coming from but it seems as if you really hurt her maybe she has trust issues look at her past relationships did you do anything similar.

What I see here-- two people who are afraid of being vulnerable with each other doing the "oh no not me!" defensive dance instead. Now you see where that gets you -- nowhere. If you can't tell her your truth, then you aren't ready for a relationship at all. Same for her. Its just that simple. It is the only way out of the mess you made. Quit pushing each other's mistrust buttons and get talking, real talk about real thoughts and feelings. Or forget it. Sometimes people create such an enormous fear OF rejection that they CREATE rejection out of thin air. Isn't that a foolish thing to do when rejection really is such a survivable event? If you are not up for the risk of the busride, then don't get on the dang bus!! LOL

The latest ,I think the man above is at work here .It was announced at work Friday the break schedules would change ,This was my chance to see where she stood on breaks .I ask her did she want me to take the same break schedule as her to which she replied "sometimes I think it would be better if we did" she said "there is so much tension between us I feel like we can't just be friends" I said OK its your decision she said " I dunno ".At our second break I told her I would do anything that would make her happy even if it meant sitting apart at breaks and she said "well sometimes it all good and other times you seem to not be able to get past it" I said I am past it it's just that I have bad days and good days and she said "so do I and its hard some days being around you".I am unsure what to do here I think she wants to continue being friends but I am going to leave it up to her ,I am going to tell her that I will take the same break schedule as her and its at her option if she wants to sit with me or not.. What do you guys think ?

I think you aren't reading all the posts here.

Look, you are so bogged down in all the insignificant details of your reality that you miss what general principles are operating here. So let me explain as simply possible: Micro-management of anything usually kills it, especially relationships. You have lots of good information from many people here. Please reread this entire thread and ask questions specific to anyone's post you don't understand.

Workplace relationships bring there own brand of problems. I really don't see this as a very healthy relationship because you both are confused and have no real bond, add you blew your big chance, she will never be completely comfortable again. It seems this is more a relationship of oppurtunity, than sharing and caring.

Tomorrow I am going to talk to her ,even though she says its over I feel like I owe her an explanation as to why I left in the first place which I have explained many times over.If she doesn't want to talk about it I have written a letter I will slip into her lunch box.I feel like she wanted to get back together because at first I told her I figured out what I needed to do and she said should I be scared.. Then all of the sudden its I have no feelings for you and there will never be another me and you.. I think its pride and listening to her good friends both of whom have boyfriends who lie ,cheat and drink there off.. That's kind of like taking financial advice from a broke person.. lol.. I did do wrong ,fear made me do something I wouldn't normally do and during that time I did not see anyone else.. I have told her this but she will find out that I am a good person who she should have given a second chance ,all of her past relationships have been with guys who drink (which I do not),non-working cheaters etc.. I have my own home, work every day ,I am very romantic ,I sent flowers for New Years and she didn't even call to say "kiss my butt" which would have been better than not calling at all which she didn't.. So there we are... The more I write here the more reasons I should just forget it keep coming out.. lol

Are we your journal or something? LOL

No seriously, it would be good if you would read what you wrote too.
Look at this one and tell me if you don't see something really off about it.
Its only one sentence but it seems obvious to me?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrock39

I feel like I owe her an explanation as to why I left in the first place which I have explained many times over.

That has the look of an addiction written all over it... "oh, just one more, I promise that's it, okay, ... no please wait, just one more, ... I know, but this last one should do it, right?"

Can you read Tal's post #30 and really let that sink in? Opportunity came and went.

You sure Have a lot of "I"'s in your post and therein lies the whole problem. Instead of what you want, leave her alone to heal as best she can. Chalk it up ad leave it alone. She doesn't deserve the drama and your not in love.

If you would rather not answer my posts then please don't ,I seek other peoples opinion there is no requirement to answer.. Keep that in mind...

If I didn't want to I would not, I'm only here to help, take it or leave it. If you don't like my honesty, leave it. Keep that in mind...

I guess we were providing the wrong kind of answers. :confused:

But I got to tell you, from what I have seen here over time --nothing puts the brakes on people posting to a thread as good as stuff like your last post does, Jrock. It tends to make people wonder if you are serious or if they should even bother, I think?

Good luck! (quietly unsubscribed to this thread)

If I didn't want to I would not, I'm only here to help, take it or leave it. If you don't like my honesty, leave it. Keep that in mind... That post was intended for valinors_sorrow because she seemed agitated with answering my posts.. Didn't mean to offended anyone I enjoy and thank everyone for they're answers..

I doubt if you could agitate Val, she was just pointing out something she thought you should see. I found that it helps to reread your posts and try to see how others have reached their conclusions.

I have to say Jrock that your case is not as cut and dry as most of the posts on this site. Usually the posts are something like, “My boyfriend cheated on me and had a baby with another woman then I found out he was actually married to yet another woman but I know he loves me so how much longer should I give him to come around?”

What I mean to say is it’s usually cut and dry as far as the truth goes compared to what the original poster thinks. On your situation I’m really fascinated because I’m not sure myself what’s going on. Usually when that’s the case the OP has left something out but I don’t think you have and in fact continue updating us so it’s very intriguing from the outsider point of view. From your view, I’m sure it’s not so intriguing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrock39

The latest ,I think the man above is at work here .It was announced at work Friday the break schedules would change ,This was my chance to see where she stood on breaks .I ask her did she want me to take the same break schedule as her to which she replied "sometimes I think it would be better if we did" she said "there is so much tension between us I feel like we can't just be friends" I said ok its your decision she said " I dunno ". At our second break I told her I would do anything that would make her happy even if it meant sitting apart at breaks and she said "well sometimes it all good and other times you seem to not be able to get past it" I said I am past it it's just that I have bad days and good days and she said "so do I and its hard some days being around you".I am unsure what to do here I think she wants to continue being friends but I am going to leave it up to her ,I am going to tell her that I will take the same break schedule as her and its at her option if she wants to sit with me or not ..What do you guys think ?

I think this whole thing is either a test or she’s playing with your emotions again. But she is all wishy-washy on her responses to you which leads me to believe that she just wants you to make the decision. To be honest I think you should have anyway. The way you did, and I realize your trying to be a gentleman about it, but the way you did it gave her all the authority and made you look weak. I think you should have told her flat out that “I’m taking break time number 1(or 2 or 3 or whatever one you want)” and then let her decide what she was going to do after that. That gives you’re the power but at the same time doesn’t devalue her in any way. It just lets her know that you’re a man capable of making a decision and sticking to it and she’s going to have to change to it or not follow it. But it gives you a sense of power.

All right Jrock, your about to get Chuffed.

First before I even start with the post, you’ve got to stop. Just stop and take a deep breathe because your so far gone emotionally that you can’t see what your doing. Your only hurting your cause. To be blunt your acting like a woman and women want men not other women. Let me explain…..

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrock39

Tomorrow I am going to talk to her ,even though she says its over I feel like I owe her an explanation as to why I left in the first place which I have explained many times over.

Stop right there. DO NOT DO THIS! You’ve already explained yourself. That’s more than most people get after a break up. You were a gentleman and explained why. You went above and beyond and I’m not going to take that from you. But every subsequent time you explained the breakup you have devalued your “manhood.” By that I mean you start talking about your emotions like other she would with her other girlfriends. You’ve slowly downgraded yourself to one of the girls.

That probably explains the mixed messages you get. On one hand she might like you but on the other she knows something has changed. That change is your becoming and acting like her girlfriends act. You’ve got to drop all this “I care about feelings all the time and I’m so very sorry” stuff.

You made a mistake and you’ve admitted to it. But in an attempt to win her back you’ve continued to devalue your own manhood in order to show her that you appreciate her on an emotional level.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrock39

If she doesn't want to talk about it I have written a letter I will slip into her lunch box.

GOOD GOD NO!!

Writing her a personal letter is something you save for an anniversary or Valentine’s Day (and not this one but one years from now). You don’t write about your feelings now. I promise you this will scare her away from you.

This will show her that your wrapped around her finger and you’ve got no power. It will prove you don’t have your emotions in check. It will prove that you think about her all the time and have nothing else going on in your life. This will give her everything.

I repeat this again, if you follow through with this, you will scare her away permanently.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrock39

I feel like she wanted to get back together because at first I told her I figured out what I needed to do and she said should I be scared ..Then all of the sudden its I have no feelings for you and there will never be another me and you ..

She’s either playing your emotions or she’s got no idea who’s she dealing with. You went from being the jerk that dumped her to the guy she can pushover at anytime.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrock39

I think its pride and listening to her good friends both of whom have boyfriends who lie ,cheat and drink there off ..

Huge mistake to either listen to friends or believe what she’s thinking based on her friends. They have nothing relevant to the situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrock39

That's kind of like taking financial advice from a broke person ..lol..I did do wrong ,fear made me do something I wouldn't normally do and during that time I did not see anyone else ..I have told her this but she will find out that I am a good person who she should have given a second chance ,all of her past relationships have been with guys who drink (which I do not),non-working cheaters etc..

So in other words all her past relationships were with jerks who never treated her right and didn’t pay much attention to her. Just like you did the first time.

That’s what she likes. That’s what she’s attracted to. Let’s be blunt there are many nice guys out there that she could go out with but she doesn’t. She likes the challenge of the jerk. You were that jerk and now your about to give her a letter with your feelings. That’s going to end it. That’s why she’s goes back and forth. She like the guy that didn’t give a damn about her and wants to like the nice guy but can’t because she doesn’t find that attractive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrock39

I have my own home, work every day ,I am very romantic ,I sent flowers for New Years and she didnt even call to say "kiss my butt" which would have been better than not calling at all which she didn't ..So there we are ....The more I write here the more reasons I should just forget it keep coming out ..lol

She didn’t call because she knows she’s got you. You’ve given her all the power. You’ve got to pull back now. I won’t say avoid her but don’t seek her out. Don’t initiate conversations. Make her wonder what’s going on with you. DO NOT talk about feelings and don’t cry in front of her again. I can not repeat this enough but DO NOT give her a letter about your feelings. Do not write her a letter at all. These are things women do with each other. She needs a rock not a tissue.

Ok, I may be oversimplifying but this coupling seems like life-lesson, girl meets-boy - boy flirts with girl - girl flirts with boy, they break up, they get back together... repeat. The lesson: men are attracted to women - well at least 9 out of 10 men... or is it 8 out of 10? Anyway, "sitting with you everyday" is fine. Keep going. Don't read so much into it. Hang out at the Break Table" if you like...She likes you. You like her. Check a box. IM at work. Just don't get fired..And whatever you do - don't anybody get PREGNANT! In the end, if you are really lucky you will not meet at the break table - but only in meetings. There are few things worse than an office break up - and while I think this chick is ready to punch the JRock Clock - I'd keep her as a friend and look somewhere other than the company pier. I know it's hard but take it from a guy who has pissed off a few too many company piers - Love is tough. Intra-office love is like Baghdad - and I'm not talking abou the "Green Zone" they fly senators into. You win man, she likes you. You can have her by talking each day and making jokes until she forgets the break up... but I'd let her know you care for her SO MUCH you are going to spare her and you the drama... unless someone gets a job elsewhere. JRock on