Hello everyone. I have a major situation Im in and could use all the advice I can get. I'll try to be as brief as possible, so I won't get too detailed, but if you have a question about it, feel free to ask.
So I'll get started. I met someone a year ago, I moved in with her. She is 45, I am 40. She has 3 sons, ages 20, 17 and 15. I have four kids who do not live with me, ages 13, 9, 7 and 3.
We were very much in love and wanted the same things. She had complained about her kids often in the beginning and I noticed how wildly they behaved. She wanted me to be involved as the male figure in helping set better standards and structure for them. So we did. It was difficult at first simply because they didn't like being told to behave or follow rules. But as some time went by, they seemed to be adapting, and things seemed to be going in a good direction.
But after a while, I noticed how she was letting them slip on the rules we agreed to put into place, mostly to appease them. I told her it wasn't a good idea, but she would simply tell me to lighten up. So therefore they started to revert back to they way they were and worse. I even noticed how the younger two started to pick up on her eldest sons bad behavior and lazy, disrespectful attitude. So, with her and I not on the same page anymore, I just gave up on the whole idea, mostly to save from arguing about it, and let her deal with them however she wanted to. So now, Im always the bad guy, because I just can't adapt to that sort of thing. I basically keep to myself and try not to be involved with any of it.
She has been increasingly ignorant and belittling to me, especially around her kids. When we are alone, sometimes she is nice, mostly when it's just convenient to her if you know what I mean. I try not to argue back, otherwise the police are usually called. They've been here so many times, they just shake their heads. They wonder why I stay. I've tried to go many times. She takes me back to where Im from, but before we get there, she does a lot of crying, we talk, and again try to make things work. But it never does. It's not long before things are back to where they were again, but worse each time. She treats me a little worse. It's like Im just a piece of dirt under her feet. I still care about her, but don't nearly love her as much as I did.
Well, I know we should just separate for good. It's gotten so much worse. She's hardly ever in a good mood with me no matter how much I try. And I don't like living under her roof under those conditions. It's like walking on egg shells all the time. But the only problem is now I can't just move out. I've burned my bridges with friends, and I simply can't afford to live on my own right now. And the little bit I do make all goes into this house. So how can I? What can I do to make things a little easier for myself around here?At least till the time comes when I can once again afford to be on my own. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions? Thanks for your time.

Wow... it does sound like a mess and I feel for you. I understand what you're going through. Sadly, I can't offer you too much here other than my support... for you to know that others have been there.

I do have a suggestion. Well, you do already realize you need to get out of this so we can skip that. The problem you face is being able to get out... All I can suggest is that you maybe look for rooms to rent or houses to share. If you check around, you can often find these places and the cost of living there is fairly cheap compared to getting your own place.

Good luck to you.

"She takes me back to where Im from, but before we get there"

That comment is SO KEY.

Was it that you jumped into this?
Didn't really get to know her & all that she comes with before getting into seriousness?

Suss things out a bit?

Sounds to me that she doesn't want to communicate. While you are stressing mostly about her kids.

"Im always the bad guy"
"belittling to me, especially around her kids"
"I try not to argue back, otherwise the police are usually called"
"It's gotten so much worse. She's hardly ever in a good mood with me no matter how much I try."

Sounds like you should leave.
This is hell.

"I simply can't afford to live on my own right now"

Is that the reason to stay in hell? Or why you got w/her?

Are you still a dad to your kids?

Thank you Odinn7, I appreciate the support.
Vanheart, I don't understand the first comment being SO KEY?
Yes, we did jump a little too fast into it.
At the time we got together, I could afford to be on my own. Since we've been together, I was laid off, and the little bit of unemployment compensation I get isn't much.
As far as my children, yes Im still there dad. But I don't get them as often because I never know how she will be and I don't want them to spend their time with me in this house around that.
Yes it is hell living like this.

Sorry, stuck.

Had that one out of context. Sort of.

The point is you are in an environment for all of the wrong reasons.
This isn't happy, mutual or fulfilling.

So why?

You will never fix her or her kids. She doesn't show you respect & honestly. Neither one of you sound like you are ready for another relationship. Let alone, with each other.

Get out now. Doesn't sound like thing will change here. How much more time can you invest in being unhappy?
Time is precious.

Like you said:
"Yes it is hell living like this."

Yes Vanheart, but the problem is, I have no where to go. I can't live on the street.

When Im down & in the crap, stressing about whatever, my good friend always says:
"When things arent working for you, make a change" "Stop doing the same thing".

The best advice.


"It's like Im just a piece of dirt under her feet."
Who needs that?

I know Vanheart, but I don't have much of a choice right now. Just trying to figure out what I might be able to do to alleviate some of the stress in the mean time

Ok, then.

First thing is to make a plan to split & how.

Be loving & civil in the meantime. Don't sacrifice you, in the meantime.

Tell her as soon as you have another place and are ready.

Then move on. Don't be her pal after.

Good luck.

I do have a plan. When I can start making more money again, Im going to save as much back as possible without her knowing. Being her pal afterward is definitely out of the question.
But being loving and civil, I try that all the time. Doesn't work.
Thanks

Stay strong, stay positive. You will do it when the time is right.

Take care.

I lost my job 2 years ago. My GF right after that.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Got to have the will first.

All I know is that I would rather be homeless, then be treated like **** everyday.

Do you have any family or good friends? Nows the time to call on them.
Couch surf?

I had one good friend left, but I burned my bridge with her the last time I was going to leave. As far as family, no.
Homeless really isn't an option for me right now. I was recently diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. The insulin I take has to be kept refrigerated at all times. Also, need to have an address for my current medical assistance.
I guess Im just stuck in hell for now.

Swallow your pride, and rebuild that bridge, and leave. Be humble show some humility, or be humiliated.

All being humble takes is honesty.

Can't, tried that. That friend wants nothing to do with me anymore

Well, stuck is the right name then.

What do you think you should do?

Wait around? The clock's ticking.

Maybe a dose of self-respect is in order.

Who's running your life?

Well how do I get my self-respect back while living here

Like I said, spend all of your time making a plan to get out.
You got into this, after all. No one twisted your wrist.

The self-respect thing is up to you. Long overdue. Read "The Prophet"

I suggest some local professional counseling. Check it out. Find a good one.

Im just a hack.

BTW,

I have 2 friends with Type 1.

One from drug use, the other from a bad transfusion in surgery. A few years back.

Go figure. I later worked w/Johnson & Johnson promoting some of their OneTouch stuff. Weird.

My point is that my friends are just fine. Have overcome & dealing.

Like I said, where there is will...



Let will be your roof.

Easier said than done, but thanks anyway Vanheart

Dear stuckrighthere. Reading your words I feel you're a man of kind heart. May I ask if your kids are already having a step-father or someone like that? If not, forgive me if what I'm going to say here is impossible to you, but the place where your kids are is the best place for you to go to, in my opinion. They need their own father. As you've seen being a step-father you've tried with all your heart but things didn't work.

Maybe since you have no other friends but the female you reside with, she is the one you should be talking to. I think I would rather be homeless than at the mercy of someone else, but why is it a 40 year old guy has NO friends that he could rely on? How did you burn ALL your bridges? How far from home are you?

I agree.
Remember there is always someone worse off than you.

When you argue back why do the police always get involved? Does it always get out of hand, if so how?
Instead of gritting your teeth until things become completely unacceptable do you try and quietly state when there is something you are unhappy with there and then? Have you tried talking to her, when things are not crazy, about how all this makes you feel? Have you tried asking her what it is she is so angry about and what she actually wants?

She needed a father figure for her unruly kids. But that isn't you.
Nor should it be. She treats you like crap.
You need a roof.

Is that the only reason?

How to deal with the abuse while you are under her roof?
I got it now.

Man up. If you were man enough to get w/her, you can be man enough to get out.

Sounds like your just lazy. Want to free ride now.

You're not in love with her. Honestly. Neither is she.
Stop pretending. Both of you.

There's other places to go. Find one.

Well Vanheart, I think that was a little uncalled for. Im far from lazy. This was never any free ride. I worked and gave her every cent I made, and the little I have left.
QLP, I've tried many times talking to her about everything, in the nicest way possible. But she just contradicts everything I say and blames me. She's a very defensive person, and when you get near to making an obvious point with her, she just walks away or screams. She has been fired from a very good job for that very reason. But she just blames everyone else.
Talaniman, The one very good friend I had wants nothing to do with me because I stayed with this so long.
petiteabeille, thank you, I am a kind person. My ex-wife is with someone and she is very happy with him. They have a good relationship. And my children are very happy.
Well a little update for everyone, I have a new job and it looks like it may work out. This weekend has been a total disaster again with her but I think that by the end of next week, I should have enough money to move out in the area I am working in. Im not looking for anything expensive, just a room for rent or something. But I think getting through this week with her is going to be difficult. If I can just get through till then I should be all right. Im really looking forward to getting out of here and getting my life straightened up again. It will be so nice to just have peace in my life again.

Sorry, just trying to push you into taking some action.

That's good news about the new job. Now you can make a move & be rid of that bad situation.

Good luck.

@stuckrighthere: I'm happy for you. Life is hard without a companion but here we are all the time with you.

Well, new update. Now she won't let me use the truck to get to work. I even offered to give her money at the end of the week. So now I'll lose that job. Then all day yesterday she kept on and on about wanting to take me back to where Im from. I told her I just wanted the week to be able to keep my job and move into that area. Now today after hearing more of her rants and raves and now knowing I'll lose that job, I told her then she can just take me back today. I have no money, no way of calling anyone, no place to stay, but I just give up on having any desire to be here another day. She even asked me if I really want to considering it's raining, I have no place to stay, and I said yes. Im at the point now where being homeless is better than this. But now she won't do it. Now it's so inconvenient to her. She wanted me out so bad, and now that I agree to go back, she won't do it. What do I do now? All my stuff is here and where I need to go is 50 miles away. Does anybody think this is some sort of a game to her? I just can't understand it.

1. Use some men's tricks to get the truck (Don't mention the truck or anything, I guess she likes feeling needed... ) if that job is really worth it.
2. Find a job in the area that you can walk to work, anything that you can make some money legally.

Hi petite. Men's tricks? How would I go about that?
As far as jobs in this area, there are none. Most of the businesses that were here have been closed for a long time now

How far is the job? Can you possibly walk there, even if it takes two hours each way, just for a week? Borrow a bicycle? Find someone you can scrounge a lift with and pay them after you get paid? Sell something to get cash for the fares? I would be doing anything I could to make it happen.

Do you have no money? What are you living on, is she keeping you right now?

Seems like she is determined to keep control over you, on her terms. You need to do whatever you can to fight your way out of this hole.

The job is way too far to walk to. I don't know anyone I could get a ride from. And even if I could walk to it, I wouldn't be able to carry all my tools with me. Im trying to think of a way. The last thing I want to do is lose this job. The only option I know of right now is somehow convincing her to let me use that truck

She knows you're planning to move so she tries all the ways to protect her possessions. You were saying she didn't agree for you to go back? So where are you now? So you either sacrifice this job and make a better plan later or be romantic, you know, do something different, to melt her down and believe that you're not going to leave her with her truck... This is not cheating, because you're not going to steal any thing from her...

Here's one idea: Call your friend(s). Explain to her that you know how well you have messed up and you really need her help. Explain the details and why you need help. Tell her about this thread and let her read how committed to fixing your life you are. Ask her if she has any ideas on how you can get out of there and get to your job.

Pack all of your stuff and get ready to get it out of the house. Don't leave behind anything you want or can't live without.

This woman's games are bordering on abusive. You need to get out of there any way you can short of ending up in jail. If police have been called to your previous arguments, it doesn't take a stretch of the imagination to think she might go that far to get what she wants (whatever that is.)

Hi petite, I kind of understand what your saying, but she's acting so mad at me. I don't know if melting her heart is going to work. Technically it is her truck, but I did help pay for it and have been using it for work before and running her kids around.
She didn't say she didn't want me to go back, she just said it won't be today or the next few because it takes away time from her work schedule. But just yesterday she wanted to, and now that Im ready to face living on the street she won't do so right away. I can't understand why if she wanted me gone so bad she wouldn't jump at the chance without having any resistance from me to go.
This is a tough one to figure out

That's true Cat. It is abusive. I feel very nervous being here and walking on egg shells all the time. But Im afraid pushing the issue and packing my things will only flare her up worse. Plus, I really need to try to keep this job. Jobs are so hard to get these days and I have so many bills.
As far as my friend, I emailed her last night explaining a lot. She hasn't gotten back to me yet. She usually very busy at the hospital and often stays in that city because of the long shifts.

You can wait until you are ready to leave, but start gathering and noting where your things are. You want to do a quick pack and go when you can.

I am glad you emailed your friend and I hope she gets back to you very quickly.

I agree with Cat.

Get out now at all costs. Grab your things, hitch a ride, whatever. Losing this job because of her shouldn't be an option.

She wants you under her thumb & knows how to do it. It will only get worse. This is abuse.

You may consider contacting local Social Services/Abuse hotline, etc... They may offer up an interim solution.

I'm sorry I got a bit lost.

1. You're at your work place and still working: Leave her aside. Get a place to sleep and pay later.
2. You're at your work place and have lost the job: Also forget about her. Find another job here. Get a place to stay and pay later.
3. You're at her house and have no truck to go to work the next day: Ask for a day leave (because you're so ill... ) and use that day to make a real plan to complete move: Sell something to get some cash to take a train or any way to bring all your stuff to your work place. And stay there. Good bye to her.