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Hi Everyone. I need your advise. My ex broke up with me a few years ago and I was devastated. I thought I worked through my feelings but, I didn't.
I saw an old friend of mine right after my breakup, and we started hanging out. She was consoling me and helping me through my pain. Her and I adventually ended up sleeping together. It seemed to ease my pain over my ex. It's a couple of years later and I still don't think I am over my ex.
This other woman and I have been dating a little over a year now.
Anyway, this other woman is very nice to me. She is somewhat smothering and needy. She is insecure and want's a marriage and life time commitment with me.
I thought I was truly in love with this woman, but the more I see, the more I am unsure. She has teenage kids who are out of control.
She wants to live together and have a future with me. I don't want that. I thought I did, but now I realize that, I was just in pain over my ex. Now I feel like I need atleat 6 months to a year to be alone and get over my ex. Because, I still think about her a lot.
I feel suffocated by this other woman. I care about her and love her but, I think I am afraid to be single and alone. Just being honest.
I don't want the responsibility of taking care of her and her kids. I know this is what she wants.
Should I break up with her and allow myself to heal and find adventually find the right woman or should I go to therapy and work on this relationship?

That's a tough one.

You know, there was a reason you broke. I am in love with past lovers, but never would want them back in REALITY - they are DIFFERENT people today anyway. It's easy to remember the good times.

Now with the current relationship: you said it ALL: "I don't want the responsibility of taking care of her and her kids. I know this is what she wants." - THIS IS REALITY.

I'd end it now. Those kids JUST don't go away. Never.

Remember though, you're really going to hurt her. You're going to hurt her bad. Be prepared.

But, maybe you just need a breather from her?

I tried a break. And things are good for a week and than I get agitated with this situation again. I know she is not going to change. And I know those kids will be around for a long time. I feel as if her insecurities are making me crazy. She is a great person. I just want to date her but, she wants a full blown commitment. I don't want to hurt her but. I want to be happy. It seems like the flame has gone out.

Look at it this way, Are you going to be happy just by giving her what she wants? It is your happieness that you are out for in life. If you give in to her you will regret it, you will not be happy. Life is all about looking out for #1 and that is you.

Look out for yourself first, make yourself happy. If you are not happy the relationship will not be happy. Don't let her smother you into doing something you will regret later.

If you want to take 6 months to a year for yourself, you're going to have to be honest and tell her that. You can't expect her to wait for you, but if her feelings are genuine, she might... :)

I would recommend taking time for yourself: Just you. Single. On your own.

Work on you. Understand your feelings. Get yourself together. Think about your future and what you truly want.

In 6-12 months, your perspective may change.

This is exactly why many of us here advise people to take a serious break for a good long while after a romantic relationship of any kind ends. Welcome aboard. Join us. Your firsthand experience could prove invaluable. Your post here alone is a good look at what happens when not enough of a break is made.

I am not going to clock in on whether you should stay or go. But I would like to add to some of the really necessary understanding you have begun to acquire so here goes:

You are beginning to see that "rebound" relationships are just that. They are founded on circumstances that won't hold up over time. It's a really vulnerable period and one where we are not thinking clearly. This is an easy to make mistake, by evidence of all the posts we get here on this topic too. You have realised part of this, now go the distance and recognise the mistake you made completely, and give yourself the proper time this time. In a way, you had no business getting into something serious and now you see the old "it just happened" doesn't work. (that is code language for "I don't want to be responsible" - not good :( )

It is a fact of life that we cannot fix the pain of any loss (break up, illness, death, etc) of someone special with another someone. It won't be truly dealt with that way, from what I know. Any attempt to do so simply postpones the lesson and lets in more people to be hurt.

I appreciate your honesty in this, and although she will be hurt, she deserves to be told the truth. See, you matched her for a time, all insecure and needy.. but now you don't. It was not a way of life for you. Is it for her? With or without her, work on you. It will be the right thing and you will see more and more of that as time passes, if you do work on you.

Again, thanks for posting. I hope this helps.

"feel as if her insecurities are making me crazy. She is a great person. I just want to date her but, she wants a full blown commitment. "

Have you spoken to her about this?? I mean really seriously spoken to her about this?? Have you spoken to her about her kids and how out of hand they and how 'you can't handle it'?

It MAY ope nher eyes as well. Step one - sit down and talk to her about this now.

Thank You, that is true. Rebound relationships don't work in the long run. Thank you for the advise. This maybe selfish but, I am also afraid to be out of a relationship. I am not a " spring chicken" and worry that there will never be
" someone else". I don't know why I worry because I have been in several relationships over the years.
Maybe because, I have never been alone, I have never "fixed" myself to have one that will really last.

You don't want to be with this person. It was OK when you needed it but things have changed-namely you. As Paul Simon said, "you just hop on the bus Gus, make a new plan Stan... and hurry!:eek:

Yes, I have talked to her and been open about what type of commitment I want. She over steps my boundaries a lot. It's like she doesn't want to hear the truth about how I feel. I told her I am not ready to move in with her and it pissed her off.
I said, "I understand if you want to find someone who will move in, be a step parent and take care of you", "but, I'm not the one". I told her I didn't want that commitment.
I said it "would hurt like hell, if that's what you decide, but, I understand".

Well that's good. She needs to take it as that.

But, I would try and end it. She knows how you feel.

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Originally Posted by sfqt33

Thank You, that is true. Rebound relationships don't work in the long run. Thank you for the advise. This maybe selfish but, I am also afraid to be out of a relationship. I am not a " spring chicken" and worry that there will never be
" someone else". I don't know why I worry because I have been in several relationships over the years.
Maybe because, I have never been alone, I have never "fixed" myself to have one that will really last.

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In my take on it, if that fear of being alone is big enough, then you are making decisions out of desperation - which almost always turn out badly.

The trick is to lose that fear, and if it takes living alone to lose or diminish it considerably, then that is what it takes. There may be other means too though. It is entirely possible to go to counseling to work this out while remaining with her. This is why I am reluctant to give an opinion on either stay or go.

You are not alone in the way you feel. 90% of the people who post here are afraid of rejection or being alone. The unfortunate part is they involve someone else in this merry go round and everyone gets hurt. Your afraid of being alone and that is your solution, if you don't work on yourself then no relationship you ever have will be happy and neither is the one your in now. I can only tell you to seek counseling and get a better perspective on your own emotional needs and as far as the g/f goes well I just don't believe in misleading someone and wasting their time hoping I'll be something or do something for them, just me, but it is your call.:cool:

I am in counseling and continuing a lot of work on myself. I stayed with her in hope that I would find deep love for her and it never happened.
Can I ask her if she is open to " just dating"? The thing is, I don't think she can do that because she wants a permeant partner to take care of her and of other things. A life long person, forever.
She constantly talks about our future together. The thing is, I like her and her company, but she has a total cow if I leave for a few hours to do stuff for myself. She is very needy and insecure. This is a TURN OFF!! :mad:
She talks about how "I used to be, and how I have changed".

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Originally Posted by sfqt33

I am in counseling and continuing alot of work on myself. She talks about how "I used to be, and how I have changed".

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Your initial insight in your first post does sort of indicate you are doing some good work in counseling actually, now that I think about it. However with that known, it sort of begs the question: What does your counselor say to all this?

And I would guess you have indeed changed - counseling does that. Again, another begging sort of question: Does she not know you are seeing a counselor?

PS - I sense you may already know the answer to "Can I ask her if she is open to " just dating?"... now comes the harder part, accepting the answer.

In your answer you have some operative words: "permanent partner" and "take care of her." If she were a self-sufficient individual she would not need someone to "take care of her."

Two people in a committed and loving relationship should be able to have lives outside. In that I mean that you should be able to do something with the guys, like my husband likes to go fishing, and I like to got out to lunch with my friends. If we were to spend every minute together I think I would suffocate.

I agree that she seems needy and insecure. You may need to address these issues with her face-to-face and honestly. Ask her why she has a "cow", ask her what she thinks you are doing when you have time to yourself.

If you like her company, keep it just that - company - explain that you cannot be suffocated, it may hurt, but it works better in the long run.

Thank you all so much for the advise. I have been open and honest about my feelings from the start. I told her I cared about her but didn't want to move in with her and get married. I told her I was processing my break-up and in pain.
She has a lot of baggage, and I don't want to take it on. My counselor says she sees that I am unhappy and I need to take that "step", and become single until I get myself together. I am on the right path but believe I still have some relationship stuff to figure out within me.
My family / friends think this woman is great. She is but, I feel smothered. I believe we should both have separate lives. I think that is very important. She tells me she agrees with that, but when I do things for myself, she gets an attitude and starts playing games.
I think it may get to the point that I "blow up" and say forget it, I'm done.
I agree with Wildcat. When you smother someone they run. I know because I have in the past attempted to smother another woman and she just got resentful and it ended.

Just wondering what peoples thoughts were on rebound relationships. My ex left me for someone over a year ago and she is still with this person. I thought they normally didn't work out.

Give me more details...
Don't really understand your question!

RickJ this is another!
Funnily enough it appears on my profile after I sent you these messages :)
Thanks

What I mean is.. do you think rebound relationships work? If you go from one relationship to another with no break in between. I was wondering because my ex is still with the person she left me for and it has been over a year. Everyone said, " it's just a rebound relationship" and it won't last. But IT IS LASTING!
Just wanted everyone's thoughts.

I suppose everyone is different.
If she left you because she truly had feelings for this person than I personally don't see why not!

Depends on how you broke. No cheating, no abuse, no loss of respect - or trust... not a bad break, no one begging... no clingy-needy. You guys also would have needed to date for over a year.

A rebound relationship - In my opinion - refers to a situation where two people get together purely out of desperation to be with someone - and most often that means accepting someone with problems that would otherwise have kept the two apart. Because these relationships are rooted in desperation, they are likely to fail.

That is very different from simply meeting some and dating them reletively soon after a break up. People meet in many different circumstances, so it's quite conceivable to meet someone that is truly great, even a short time after a break up.

If that's the case then I really wouldn't call it a "rebound" relationship. Rebound relationships usually occur after the fact and are not usually the motivation for ending an existing relationship. I almost wonder if you were the rebound relationship and she left you for an ex with whom she'd reconciled. That actually seems like a more likely scenario.

She has a lot of baggage, and I don't want to take it on.---DON'T!

Break up with her and allow yourself to heal and eventually find the right woman. You obviously don't want to be with this woman so it's not fair to lead her on.

It sounds as if she can't control her own life so she wants to control yours. You need to live on your own find yourself and figure out what you want in life not what anyone else wants or needs. She crosses your boundries and you let her, but when you cross hers she throws a temper tantrum. It sound very unhealthy to me. I would get out of this relationship if I were you. She needs some help but not the kind of help a marriage can give. Time to part ways I think. The pain, and suffering that we go through in life is just as important an experience as the joys and happiness. This is all meant to make us stronger people. People get hurt every day and they change because of it. You seem to be realising that you don't want to be smothered and controlled and that's great. Now she needs to learn not to smother and control and sometimes that's a hard lesson. You already know what you have to do so what are you waiting for? The choice is yours... a chance to be happy or a chance to be unhappy.

Help, I just broke up with her and feel like crap. But, I had to. I am not happy.

Help!! I just broke up with her and feel like crap. I had to. I was unhappy. I jumped into this without dealing with my last relationship. She wanted to control my life and be with me 24-7.
I did't want to loose myself in a relationship. She was jealous, didn't trust me, possessive and controlling. I am terrified to be single but I know I have to work on me. Why do I feel so bad.?

You said you had to do it and you did it... good for you. Your starting to stand up for yourself and yes your going to feel like crap... buy can you tell us why you feel this way?

I am afraid I am now adventually have to start to date again. Be with someone new. I have never NOT been in a relationship. You guys have no idea how much I appreciate all your support. Right now I feel raw,scared and unsure about my decision.

You've made the first step to becoming happy again. There is no doubt you are going to feel lonely but you can negate that feeling but doing other things. Hang around with mates and family, go for a run or to the gym. My girl of 7 years just broke up with me. I was and am still at times very very lonely. But I found going for a long run helpful. I was also in the middle of finishing my university degree so I threw myself into that. I have done that and now I have started to learn french at uni. I have met heaps of people there (some beautiful girls as well) and am enjoying it. Plus it eats up some of that lonely time.
As you said you had to do this because you were unhappy. Well now you've done it look at this as the first step to getting over your ex and becoming happy again. You won't achieve this though by sitting home feeling sorry for yourself. Sure it will hurt sometimes but try hard not to let it get to you and the best way to do this is surrond yourself with friends and family. They can make you feel better.
Good luck

We have all been there and we all have the scars to prove it... You have a wonderful support team here and though we might change from time to time we're still here... You don't have to date till your ready and I hope that you give yourself a chance to heal your hurts and get to know who you are before you jump into that drama again. Just take a deep breath and take it one day at a time and you'll see how fun it can be to be single. I would say hang out with the guys and see what that's like since you haven't been able to in sooo long. Find a couple of girls that you wouldn't date and become friends, they will be a lot of help when your trying to figure out a new twist to the whole should I or shouldn't I. Hope this helps.

It takes rebuilding your life (so that its filled with many sources of good feelings) to be able to see looking back that no relationship is truly better than a bad relationship. In your worst moments you need to remind yourself you have gone from a minus to a zero (not that you are a zero, okay?) and that you deserve to have a positive. This is how you get there. You did a very right thing here. Keep working on you - it is by my firsthand experience really really worth it. It will get better, you'll see.

Enjoy the single life and give yourself the time to heal so you'll be ready for a healthy relationship. Being single can be fun and you can talk and hangout with any female you want any time you want. You have a golden opportunity so make the most of it.:cool: :D

I don't know too much about how long you went out with your ex but now that you are single... there's still Match.com!

P.S.- That's suppose to be a joke! http://www.geocities.com/aethalffxi/musik26.gif

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sfqt33

I am afraid I am now adventually have to start to date again. Be with someone new. I have never NOT been in a relationship. You guys have no idea how much I appreciate all your support. Right now I feel raw,scared and unsure about my decision.

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OK, with all the advice, and very good advice at that... also the responses you posted in between - shows exactly what you should do now.

STOP being insecure with yourself. Go and do a 'sabbatical' on your own, get to learn why you fear being alone. The one individual you should feel most comfortable with is YOU, and until you can do that, by getting to know yourself better, you will never benefit anyone else.

You know rebound relationships are not good. You know that you don't really want a long term relationship with your current 'match'. You also know that you are not really 'pining away' for your ex - you are just clinging to that myth because you can't explain your fear of being alone in any other way just yet.

So, you need to do a few things. 1. Work on yourself and learn to be your best friend. . 2. Stop using your ex, as an excuse to distract you from the real issue - your inner core - and your doubts and fears your fear of 'bonding' with anyone right now because you don't know what you want. You will probably need help in figuring yourself out or you will not do yourself or anyone else any good.

If you read all of your responses here again, you'll know exactly what you need - you've figured it out, now apply it to yourself and get to work. By all means, please give yourself some time before you jump into another relationship. You should not 'use' someone else to 'ease' your pain right now - it would not be fair to them.

You'll get there eventually, just be a little more optimistic and positive.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

Hi everyone,
You are all so right and I appreciate your support. Wow, I am so grateful I have this website and all of you! Next question, she called me last night and left a message. I have not responded. But, I would like to get my stuff and my key back from her. I would appreciate advise on how to do this. I am actually worried that she may " show up" at my work and cause a seen.
I know now more than ever, that I have to work on my stuff before hooking up with someone else. I suppose that is why I continue to get into these, no where, short relationships. Because I settle in fear of being alone.

Hi everyone,
You are all so right and I appreciate your support. Wow, I am so grateful I have this website and all of you! Next question, she called me last night and left a message. I have not responded. But, I would like to get my stuff and my key back from her. I would appreciate advise on how to do this. I am actually worried that she may " show up" at my work and cause a seen.
I know now more than ever, that I have to work on my stuff before hooking up with someone else. I suppose that is why I continue to get into these, no where, short relationships. Because I settle in fear of being alone.
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