Ok so here's the deal. I read a lot of threads and responses. Very good advice from this forum.

Here is my story.


I dated a girl 8 years ago we fell hard for each other and since then she has been my "dream girl" the girl I put every new girl up against.. The girl I'd think about while I'm with other girls.. It didn't work out because of living distance and our lives...

So we broke up... 8 years goes by and she kept in touch maybe once a year..

Just before Christmas last year she calls me and tells me how she had a dream about me and had to find me.. I tell her we should see each other because it had been so many years and she agrees..

Dinner goes well and we date for a month spending every free moment together...

The last 2 weeks she has been text messaging me, calling me and wanting to hang out less.

I asked her what is up and she said nothing I want to be with you but I want space..


So I think what I did was.. Since I was so excited to finally be with her I may have been to possessive and clingy and needy and jealous , etc... She even said I was putting too much pressure on her... I think all of my compliments and affection was just overwhelming and too much too soon...


So today is the first day after her saying she wants space..

How should I treat this? Should I completely cut off all contact? I mean if she kept in contact with me through the last 8 years I should probably trust her to contact me if she wants to after she gets the space she needs...

But here's my problem.. I am the type of person that needs closure... I am a Libra and this whole mystery of not knowing what is going on is driving me insane and if I had some closure I could begin to get over this heart break...

Problem I see with closure is I don't want to push her away for good...


Any advice?


Edit: She just text messaged me so she I guess she doesn't want to completely cut off all contact...

I'm not wildcat but,

Give her all the space she wants! 8 years of breakup and she still wants space?

<<Since I was so excited to finally be with her I may have been to possessive and clingy and needy and jealous , etc... She even said I was putting too much pressure on her... I think all of my compliments and affection was just overwhelming and too much too soon...
>>

Exactly, too much too soon, go SLOW

Don't act so needy and clingy and desperate to see her, that will make her run the other way.

<<and we date for a month spending every free moment together...

>>

Another problem spending every free moment with her,
She should not be your life, just a part of it.

YEP!! "spending every free moment together..." - Yuck!!

Sounds like you smothered her. Smothering gets VERY annoying.

So early on?? Too much mcgmark is NOT a good thing.

You never gave this gal time to miss you.

My only advice is to disappear. Don't call. Don't ansewer her text. Make her chase you.

Stop all initially contact - IF she contacts you - return it much later - like the next day.

Smothering is very hard to over come. Lots of damage. Just stop contacting gher!!

Our very favorite word on this board is SLOW!! Go SLOW!! Always - what's the rush?? Why??

You put any pressure on a women and she will pull-back and run!!

LESS IS MORE!! With women... less of you is sctually more to women. She needs to miss you. She needs to want you. She needs to chase you some. She needs a challenge early on - you were no challenge.

Early on you should see her maybe once a week - twice tops. AND you don't have return evey call, retun every test right away.

You need to learn to be busy doing other things.

Putting too much improtance into someone too early on and you will crash and burn. They are always part of your life - not your life. You remember this and you will do fine.

"possessive and clingy and needy and jealous and etc... "

You need some time away from her. Pull back. Make her chase you. DO NOT CONTACT her directly - do not!! Just say you've been busy.

"I think all of my compliments and affection was just overwhelming and too much too soon... " - ALWAYS AND FOREVER. Not necessary to do this.

I bet you contacted 3 or 4 times a day. WHy?

Give her sapce - you do not initate any more contact going forward. She may come back - she may not.

Why all the rush? WHy?

I think wildcat was spot on but what is strange is that it let me rate you twice on your response.. :confused: Never meant to do that, my mouse got carried away.

I dindn't mean to beat you up... but you need instant change I nthis relationship. If she sees this - she might come back.

This where guys screw it up - they always contact the gal way too soon - "oh she's forget me" - no she won't. Just be busy doing other things for now. If she calls - listen to her messages.

You'll figure it out.

But everyone who rushes into relationships - generally crashes and burns.

You got to go SLOW!! If you want a LTR. Slow. Some people don't.

Oh **** I texted her back too soon!

I got to try harder to have some self control!

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

I dindn't mean to beat you up....but you need instant chaneg i nthis relationship. If she sees this - she might come back.

This where guys screw it up - they always contact the gal way too soon - "oh she's forget me" - no she wont. Just be busy doing other things for now. If she calls - listen to her messages.

You'll figure it out.

But everyone who rushes into relationships - generally crashes and burns.

You gotta go SLOW!!!! If you want a LTR. Slow. Some people don't.

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Sllllllllooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww!!

You rush in, she will run!

Be busy as wildcat suggests!

Why are you contact her now anyway? She said she needs space.

Slowwwwwwwwwwwwww down partner.

SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW DOWN, do other things beside think of her. I'm sure you had a life all those eight years, and friends and things you enjoyed. Don't give that up, just go SLOWLY.

Wildcat, I think Geoff got so excited he had to throw you double loving! ( 8 I can't even rate either one of you guys because every time I try it says I have to spread more love around. Lol Anyway to the problem at hand. This whole thing has been dragging on for 8 years and I'm sure a lot of that has been spent in no contact, and now it looks like your going to have to go back into no contact AGAIN just so you will have another chance down the road. Well my friend, you have got to change your angle. Kick that pedestool out from under this girl and stop thinking of her as the dream girl. Treat her like a regular human being. You see, ultra woman can get put on a pedestool by anyone and that makes you no different from anyone else. Relationships are 50/50 and you have to bring your own desirable qualities to the table as well. Good luck!

Sooo..

I didn't listen to anyone...

And I decided to tell her I'm putting an end to all of this and it's over.

She said "No Stop I want to be with you I just need some space to myself."

This is pretty annoying. She is not considering my feelings at all.

This is not 50/50 at all she is completely controlling everything according to what she wants or doesn't know what she wants and its affecting me emotionally.

If she really wants to be with me she is ing up because what I am feeling right now is negative and the damage may not be reversible.

I can understand she needs space to do her own things but the way she is going about it is just pointing at "I dont like you" so I just want closure and forget about it. Not this BS game of ignoring her to make her miss me and want me back... That's not how people treat each other when they really want to be with them...

Gosh I think I might want space myself if you were acting like that!!

I think you are completely overwhelming her and in this case she does just seem to want some space to do her own things also.

Why can you not go SLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW??

I was just going at a pace that was natural for me.

If she is not accepting of it she does not feel the same way.

Go slow.. It was slow believe me nothing was rushed... and I don't really know what you mean.. slow in what sense?

At first I felt overwhelmed because of how much she wanted to see and talk to me... I didn't pull this bs I was just happy she liked me so much and wanted to spend time with me...

Something changed inside her.. and now I have to play this emotional game and risk further emotional pain to try and trick her into missing me and want me back...

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Dinner goes well and we date for a month spending every free moment together...

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Is this why you broke up 8 years ago. You can't have a hissy fit when things don't go your way and lash out in anger. Immature way to handle things.

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So I think what I did was.. Since I was so excited to finally be with her I may have been to possessive and clingy and needy and jealous , etc... She even said I was putting too much pressure on her... I think all of my compliments and affection was just overwhelming and too much too soon...

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You wrote this and your mad after one day apart, what ever happened to the life you had before see came back in the picture, after 8 freakin' years.
You should have grown up a lot more after 8 freakin' years.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Is this why you broke up 8 years ago. You can't have a hissy fit when things don't go your way and lash out in anger. Immature way to handle things.

You wrote this and your mad after one day apart, what ever happened to the life you had before see came back in the picture, after 8 freakin' years.
You should have grown up a lot more after 8 freakin' years.

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Hahahaaaaaaaaaaa.. Yes...

Basically when it comes down to it we broke up because I threw a hissy fit.. I couldn't just relax and go with the flow..

Like you guys say NOT TO DO I put a lot of emphasis on being happy in life by what relationship I am in...

I have definitely grown up a lot in the 8 years we are apart but I am still the same person...

No one is telling you to play games.

We are just telling you to not make her your life, which you seem to be doing. As tal said what happened to your life during those 8 freaking years apart?Are you neglecting all your friends that you had then.

Your natural pace is obviously not what she wants..

I'm sure she wants to take things slow, why not see her once a week to begin with? Tell her that, and then slowly build up to maybe 2 times a week next month.

I am a girl also and if someone started coming on strong like that with me I would also tell them I need space to myself.

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talaniman disagrees: (we date for a month spending every free moment together... ) Your feelings like she doesn't have any? SELFISH and Immature to boot.

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Elabtorate more.

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Originally Posted by rol

No one is telling you to play games.

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It really is a game.. If she would just tell me straight up how she is feeling and why she needs space I would know what is going on and wouldn't be here trying to figure out what to do next..

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We are just telling you to not make her your life, which you seem to be doing. As tal said what happened to your life during those 8 freaking years apart?Are you neglecting all your friends that you had then.

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I don't put any emphasis in my life on my friends.. My friends are a way to meet girls.. the few close friends that I have I have not neglected during this time with her...

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Your natural pace is obviously not what she wants..

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My pace was slower than hers... up until these last 2 weeks than she took a few steps back..

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I'm sure she wants to take things slow, why not see her once a week to begin with? Tell her that, and then slowly build up to maybe 2 times a week next month.

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For the first month she didn't want to be apart from me wanted me to sleep over every night which I didn't even do... The last 2 weeks she has gone steps back in the relationship..

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I am a girl also and if someone started coming on strong like that with me I would also tell them I need space to myself.

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What would you do with this space though? I think at that point you have already decided it won't work out...

<<What would you do with this space though? I think at that point you have already decided it won't work out... >>

I have never said that! I see plenty of hope if you take it slow and don't get so annoying with her!
OK at the beginning she was probably excited to be with you again and then maybe she started to see the clinginess/neediness that was still there from 8 years ago.
Why did you not set the pace for the relationship. You plan the dates, you be the man, you pursue her.
You tell her you are busy , you don't be available just when she wants.
I think in a new relationship people should not see each other more than once a week, otherwise it starts all great and goes downhill fast. You need to take time to get to know her again and think if she is the girl for you and vice versa.

Give her space now for a month or so and then start back with that attitude.

<<I don't put any emphasis in my life on my friends.. My friends are a way to meet girls.>>

Is meeting girls all you are interested in??

<,If she would just tell me straight up how she is feeling and why she needs space I would know what is going on and wouldn't be here trying to figure out what to do next..
>>

She told you! <<She even said I was putting too much pressure on her>>

All of my relationships have started really strong but the momentum continues.

This is very different from anything I've been through...

It is going to be tough to give her space for that long and still want to be with her after..
I won't have any trust or confidence in her or the relationship unless I know what is going on or went on.

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Originally Posted by rol

<<I don't put any emphasis in my life on my friends.. My friends are a way to meet girls.>>

is meeting girls all you are interested in??!

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That is the only thing in life that truly brings me any sort of joy and happiness..

And don't try to fight it.. it won't change...

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Originally Posted by rol

<,If she would just tell me straight up how she is feeling and why she needs space I would know what is going on and wouldnt be here trying to figure out what to do next..
>>

She told you! <<She even said I was putting to much pressure on her>>

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Pressure could mean so many different things.. If she was open with me and told me how I am putting pressure on her I would know how/where/when to back off and we could still keep up communication and spending time with each other...

<<That is the only thing in life that truly brings me any sort of joy and happiness..
And don't try to fight it.. it won't change... >>

Well maybe there lies your whole problem.

<<Pressure could mean so many different things.. If she was open with me and told me how I am putting pressure on her I would know how/where/when to back off and we could still keep up communication and spending time with each other... >>

Well don't keep pestering her about it. Give her space now.

Amen!! To Rol.

They are only part of your life - NOT your life. Once you make them your life - it's over. And you're screwed in the head - it's very unhealthy to make some one your complete life - AND no one deserves it.

No women wants to be placed on a pedestal. Ever. You put her on a pedestal - gave away all your power to her - now you're stuck.

Just leave this gal completely alone for a while and she may catch up to you.

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Originally Posted by mcgmark

elabtorate more.

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Simple when you say relationship, its two people who work together for the benefit of both. When its all you and no consideration for her, That's SELFISH. When you get mad because you don't get your way That's IMMATURE. Neither one makes you a good relationship candidate. I figured you to be 30 or close to it and by that time most people have enough human skills and experience to deal things in a mature adult way. Aside from your original post you have not shown those skills and the rants after in this thread speak to the immaturity I was pointing out so you should leave this female alone and go for the ones that you like best and who put up with your... stuff. Why'd you post here anyway since you have all the answers??

T - well said!!

This guy is love struck though. Let him learn his lesson. Being all 'goofy in love' is so unhealthy and he has will crash and burn big time.

Blinded by love!! Don't mortgage your sole to stranger.

Smart people keep their sole locked up for safe keeping.

I'm only 24.

She has been keeping contact text messaging me..

So I'll just go with the flow.. respond to her slowly etc.. But not expect anything to come from it.. and if something does I'll think twice about it...

Do you really want to be with her in a relationship or is this just another babe to yo? Just curious.

Sorry T-Man, I had to spread the love. All I wanted to say is that I see something very blue in this thread.

J - where you been??

STUDYING, and sticking with health for a while.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Do you really want to be with her in a relationship or is this just another babe to yo? Just curious.

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She has been my dream girl for the last 8 years.

She is definitely not another babe.

She is someone I wanted to spend time with.

But after the way she has made me feel this last week I don't think I could ever be with her now.

She is on her rag this week so I'm going to talk to her after and see if anything has changed if nothing has changed I'm done.. I'm not going to torture myself like I have been for the last 8 years hoping one day we will be together...

You have put this female on a pedestal for 8 years and now you find that she cannot meet your standards which is your fault, not hers. If you are not willing to do the work that a healthy relationship requires then you should leave her alone. From what you have written you are not relationship material.

mcgmark,

Just want to say that I am in the same boat as you mate! My EX- needs `Space` as well. We had a bad breakup around Summer of 2005, but after that I was very supportive of her, emotionally and financially. Things were great most of 2006, but since I got back from Scotland for Christmas, early Jan 2007, things were amazing! She craved me and missed me big time! Since then we have had loads of good times, shopping, affection and generally enjoying one another's company, when back this week, Last Mon 5th Feb, she accused me of hacking her dating website, WHICH I DID NOT! She is on medication for personal reasons, but she said She`d maybe be OK in a few days, she just told me just give me `Space` and we`ll talk later. Now, one of the things she told me leading up to Mon was that she wants to take things slow.

Now, mcgmark I know how it feels, its painful playing the waiting game, but the majority of the guyz and ladies on this forum are correct, it can only get worse if we annoy them. You have to go out with your mates, do something's that you have always wanted to do, catch a film, etc.

I`ll leave you some advice as its what I`m doing.

1. BE STRONG.

2. DON'T BE NEEDY.

3. DON'T INITIATE AFFECTION, UNLESS SHE ASKES FOR IT.

4. SEE YOUR FRIENDS.

5. BE IN CONTROL.

6. BE MORE CONFIDENT. (WOMEN LOVE THAT!)

mcgmark, You have a friend here that is going through exactly what you are going through, lets hang there, keep us posted,

Good luck!