Hi

Just feeling like a total fool and it's entirely my own fault lol. I met a guy online and entered into nsa situation with him. I honestly thought I could handle it as my circumstances make it hard to meet people and get a relationship going anyway but I miss sex so I thought this would be perfect for me. We met first in a pub to see if we liked each other. After that we met up a couple of times and had fantastic sex but I knew I was developing feelings for him and even though the sex was good I felt cheap afterwards. So when he texted to arrange a meet up I told him the nsa thing isn't really for because it makes me feel cheap. He said I shouldn't feel cheap and said he was gutted and it was the last thing he wanted as he really fancies me and likes spending time with me and likes me for more than sex but it isn't the time for him to get into a relationship. I told him that I wasn't asking for a relationship. We agreed to keep in touch and he texts me quite regularly (I never initiate contact). Anyway he texted the other day and called me gorgeous, sexy and lovely (which made my day!) Then he told me he had been on a stag do and 'got laid'. I know I have no right to be upset about this but I am. It's not so much that he's sleeping with other women it's just the fact that he thinks so little of me that he can tell me about it. I've decided to not even be text buddies anymore but I've taken it really personally, as I'm v sensitive and I think maybe he would like a relationship just not with me. It doesn't help as I'm quite lonely, I'm late 30s, all my friends are married and I don't really have any family. Any tips on how to stop feeling cheap about this? I haven't chased him in any way and never initiated contact or came on strong.

First this was your choice, you made a mistake, so you move on, If you don't want anymore contact or do this again, stop all contract with him, don't read or answer any call, any email or any text.

You should build a social life with real people that balances your life and give you something to look forward to, and not have rely on the Internet, or a no strings attached, friends with benefits, non exclusive, agreement with anyone.

Sex stirs up feelings and you can't handle it so instead of online relationships, get some online activities together to fill your free time with. Real things that you can do.

As for online hook ups though, that may be great for something to do, but know the chances of hooking up with a soul mate after one try is slim. If you must date online, remember the rule that applies to all dating situations (my rule of course),

Talaniman Rule - Date them all! Short, fat, skinny, or tall! 18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy!

Don't have sex until you know they and you can handle it, and have built the kind of trust, that you can talk freely, and honestly. Otherwise, just have good clean fun getting to know if they are worthy or not.

Helps a lot to have control over your own feelings though. Without that, then you won't get carried away by false hope, high expectations, or flights of fantasy, and fall for any temporary feel good that comes along.

We best heal our hurts, and wounds by leaving old failures and the feelings of hurt they cause, behind by building new and better experiences, and feelings for ourselves. Then we can have fun without regret, or guilt. So forgive yourself for being foolish, and let go of the guilt why don't you.

First, please read the rules of the rating system of this site. Fr_Chuck's answer was not factually incorrect, and he gave you exactly what you asked for... his opinion. He does not deserve a negative rating just because you didn't want to hear it.

Secondly, you used someone for sex, and in turn were used for sex by them. If you told this man that all you wanted was sex, and that was the premise of your contact, why do you expect him to value you for any more than that? He just wants sex. He told you that up front. Why are you upset about this? He is having sex with other people because he wants to have sex! Fr_Chuck was actually right here. Your hurt feelings are you own fault, because you took on a nsa relationship that you couldn't handle. Unless you have the ability to completely detach your emotions from the act, then learn a lesson here, and don't do this again in the future. Stop contact, let go, and stop taking it personally. When the sex ends in a NSA "relationship", there is no relationship anymore.

I didn't say that Fr Chuck's answer was incorrect, I just didn't find it helpful. I already know it's my own fault which was the first thing I said in my question! I'm not asking for sympathy and I am in no way sayng that this guy has done anything wrong because I know that he hasn't. I'm a sensitive person that's all. Maybe I'm lonely and maybe I just wanted some affection but didn't expect to end up liking the guy. Your comment 'Why are you upset?' is totally insensitive. Why is anyone upset about anyting then! I explained why I was upset because I ended up liking the guy a whole lot more than I expected to. I didn't ask for pity I just wanted to chat about it but I obviously came to the wrong place. Yes I know it was my own fault but that doesn't stop me liking him and wishing he felt the same! Is that so wrong. But gee thanks

Please read THIS about how to use the comments feature.

I've clicked on 'THIS' and it doesn't work. I'd just like to say that I've read some other questions on here about nsa/casual/fwb situations from women in similar situations who entered these arrangements and then got hurt. The replies were all nice and understanding and non-judgmental. I haven't seen any one else being repeatedly told 'it was your own fault'. Instead they were told things like 'not everyone is cut out for nsa but don't be so hard on yourself, we all have physical needs'. I'd like to thank talaniman for his constructive, non critical advice. I found it really helpful and I am trying to find activities and keep busy in the hope of meeting real people and not getting glued to dating sites. If kcommissiong had read my question properly he/she would have seen that I know it is my fault and I expect him to sleep with other people I just didn't expect him to tell me about it! He would also have read that I am lonely, have no family, few friends and am a single parent. Trying to get a real relationship going is practically impossible but I just wanted some physical touch and affection. How come I get judged so harshly (apart from talaniman who actually seemed to understand). I am trying to forget this guy and I haven't replied to his last 2 texts.

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He would also have read that I am lonely, have no family, few friends and am a single parent. Trying to get a real relationship going is practically impossible

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Where was I supposed to read that? (I'm a she by the way)It certainly isn't in your question. You did get constructive advice from everyone. Go no contact, and abstain from having casual relationships if you cannot handle them and answers that people you claim to be "judgmental" gave you. This is a public forum, and you don't get to dictate how people answer your question. We told you what we thought.

If you think that a casual relationship makes you feel "cheap" why were you involved in one? If you lack the ability to separate your feelings from you sexual behavior, a valid solution would be not to engage in that type of relationship again. You feel badly because you allow yourself to and because in your mind, you tried to make this relationship and this man into more than what they were. None of us here can change what you think or why you think it, all we can do is give our suggestions on what not to do in the future, which is what you got from every poster.

It certainly is in my question! It clearly states in my question that I am lonely and it is difficult for me to get a real relationship going. Talaniman managed to read it! I don't want to dictate peoples' replies - the only response I have a problem with is yours. And if I knew beforehand that it would make me feel cheap I wouldn't have done it would I! I didn't have a crystal ball! I'mnot going to be doing it again, I'm not stupid. There is no point even explaining the problem to you because you have totally misunderstood it and made me feel worse - I think you attitude is horrible and you should be banned from offering 'advice'.

Can someone tell me how to delete my profile from this site please?

Where does it mention that you are a single parent and because of this have trouble forming relationships. I guess my reading suffers along with my advice. Here is some better advice. You don't want to hear what we have to say about no contact to help move on, and making better future choices. Why don't you find someone who will tell you what you want to hear. (That may not be free of course). What do you want to hear? We CANNOT reach into your mind and make you stop feeling badly. YOU can do that with the help of the suggestions about no contact and better decision making that we have offered.

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"Yes I know it was my choice doesnt stop me hurting"

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And I guess the big chunky negative rating along with the comment above on Fr_Chuck's answer was your way of telling him he is helpful. I actually suggest counseling now since you seem to be way too emotionally invested in advice you solicited from strangers. If you invested this amount of emotion in your NSA relationship, it is no wonder you are having issues letting go of it. My advice still hasn't changed. No contact (there is more information on this in the stickies on this forum, and recognize this behavior in yourself so you make better choices in the future.

And I think you made a bad choice and want pats on the back and not the advice you asked for. You have your opinion and I have mine.

Again - if you had read my previous posts you would see that I am having no contact with him and haven't replied to his last 2 text messages. I am also taking Talaniman's advice and am trying to arrange things to give me something to look forward to. I took on everyone's advice about no contact and I don't want contact with him. I am moving on. The only person making me feel bad now is you! READ before you judge.

I am doing no contact - read! And if I want to give someone a negative rating then I will! I think you're the one who needs counselling you really are a nasty piece of work. I have repeatedly told you that I have taken the advice and am not having contact with him and am moving on!

Have you figured out ways to connect with others in real life? Maybe check the programs at your local library. There might be a book discussion group. Or start a business-books discussion group (men love something like that! -- lots of neat businessy books, like Giuliani's Leadership). Two years ago I started a writers' group (everyone wants to be a writer!), so that might also be an option (since you are a good writer). Or, if there is none, suggest to the library that you will start one. (I'll talk you through it.)

Thank you so much for your positive advice. I'm quite a shy person but am looking into things I could join that might bring me out of my shell a little. I enjoy reading so a book club sounds like a good idea - thank you.

No actually YOU READ. You don't get to give people negative ratings if you want. We have rules regarding the rating system on this site, and you agreed to abide by them when you became a member. I am a stranger you asked for advice. I, along with others gave it to you. If you don't like it ignore it!

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Originally Posted by Sue1973

Thank you so much for your positive advice. I'm quite a shy person but am looking into things I could join that might bring me out of my shell a little. I enjoy reading so a book club sounds like a good idea - thank you.

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You're quite welcome. The book discussion groups are mostly women reading cozy mysteries, although some groups read more "literate" fiction. For the latter, there are often book discussion questions available online that would help you as a member and if you have the opportunity to lead the discussion.

Don't worry I am ignoring YOUR 'advice'. We obviously have some sort of personality clash so maybe we could agree not to keep replying to each other?

When I moved to this Chicago suburb, I quickly got to know people when I joined a church and volunteered to help out in their church nursery. That way I got to meet other young women/moms and ended up a few years later as president of their small church nursery club. You could also teach Sunday School (the lessons are all laid out with good teacher manuals) or just sit in on some Bible classes, even as a non-member of the church (and check 'em out!).

Thank you again. I'll be honest I am not really a religious person but it is giving me some ideas. Thanks

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Originally Posted by Sue1973

I'll be honest I am not really a religious person but it is giving me some ideas.

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You don't have to be religious to join a Bible study group and look them over. :D And there are probably other groups in the area that would be fun to check out. Another one is the Toastmasters Club. A shy library patron I knew came out of her shell when she participated in that group.

Or volunteer at the hospital or an animal shelter a couple of hours a week.

What is the most recent book you've read?

The question for the rating system (in "GO") is "was this answer helpful" (or something to that effect)... and Sue didn't find it helpful. Instead of berating her (which actually is against site rules) and lecturing her, just link her to the site rules. We're losing people unnecessarily by reacting this way to negative ratings (evident by Sue's question if she could "just remove the question and profile from the site").

Sue... you've decided to go no contact, which is good. Now you're having problems getting over it and not feeling cheap. What you need to do is stand back up and realize what you learned from this situation. You learned that you value yourself more than "just sex", and you deserve a relationship and eventually marriage. So you treated yourself cheaply in this situation, that doesn't make YOU cheap, it makes you human. As a human, you are liable to make mistakes.

I've had plenty of encounters in my dating that have made me feel cheap, and sometimes looking back at those encounters is painful. Then I realize that I have since learned how to value myself, and demand better for myself.

That's the thing about lessons in life... you may not be able to remove the pain, but at least you can make sure the experience wasn't in vain and you do so by learning from it.

Good luck to you!

Thank you southamerica you are right. I have learned from this that I need to feel cared about to feel OK about sex. Wondergirl - my latest book is actually about parenting advice for teenagers lol. But I enjoy crime thrillers such as James Patterson and Karin Slaughter. Thank you both for your positive input. I have to log off now but I really do appreciate your comments/advice.

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Originally Posted by Sue1973

Wondergirl - my latest book is actually about parenting advice for teenagers lol. But I enjoy crime thrillers such as James Patterson and Karin Slaughter.

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I hope you also read Kellerman and Picoult (start with Plain Truth or House Rules).

Hey, start a moms' reading group -- books on how to parent various age groups, etc.

I hope to see you here again!

Hi all

Unfortunately this is still the same problem! I was getting over this guy just fine and had even been on a couple of dates with guys from an on line datng site when out of the blue 2 months later he texted me and asked how I was doing. We chatted then he asked if I fancied meeting up for old times sake. I told him that my feelings hadn't changed and I still couldn't handle nsa sex. He said OK. We chatted on and off for a couple of weeks then he asked if I fancied meeting up just for a catch up. I asked if it was for sex and he said no. I agreed because I thought maybe he had decided he liked me for more than sex. He came to my town and we had a lovely afternoon together but I was fighting him off most of the time! I did text before he came and reiterated that it was just lunch and no sex and he said he was fine with that. He texted after and said that he had a lovely afternoon and thanks. A week later he texted and asked if I wanted to go to his place that day. I told him it was short notice and I was busy so he suggested a few days later. I replied and said I can't see him for sex and I know he doesn't want more so what would be the point. He said that he likes me, likes my company and has a strong physical attraction to me but doesn't want to mess me about - that was it and I haven't replied. So I'm upset all over again and am taking it personally. I feel that he did lead me on a little this time. I really like him, feel a connection and he makes me laugh. I know I have to stay no contact and forget him but do you think he wants a relationship just not with me? He seemed genuinely interested in my life and whether I was seeing anyone.

Ha just read my question back to myself and realise how pathetic I sound! Seeing it written down makes it clear why he got back in touch with me! Do you think I;m right to feel a little upset that I make it v clear I wasn't going to sleep with him and he said that was fine as he liked me but then I had to fight him off all day? I'm proud that I didn't give in as I was seriously tempted! I just don't understand why he would drive an hour just for sex when it was probable that he wouldn't get it. He is attractive and I#m sure he can't be that desperate!

I'm guessing he thought he could persuade you to have sex. After all, he's a real charmer, or thinks he is, right? And you gave in before. So what's the harm? He thinks.

I think you're right. I just keep taking it personally and thinking that if I was special enough he would want more.

LOL, Driving an hour for the CHANCE of sex, is NOTHING! Just learn to stop replying to this fellow. Then you will not lead yourself down the path of false hope.

I think you did wonderfully to stay strong enough to not let him charm you into his bed. Good work with that!

You're asking a bunch of questions still about what it means that he was interested in your life and told you he liked your company, et al.

Trust me, if this guy wanted to be with you, wanted to actually show you he was serious and wanted a relationship... you would know it. A man (or any person for that matter) who is serious about his/her intentions will let the person they fancy know beyond a doubt what his/her intentions are.

Do not settle for less!