Brutally honest boyfriend
I have been with my current boyfriend 1 and a half years and we just moved in together. He has a lot of obsessive compulsive tendencies with keeping the house tidy and he has never lived with a girl before so he is set in his ways so if I do not do something his way it is the wrong way or stupid. He often will say,"No one would ever do that." or ,"You should know b/c everyone in the world does it this way." I was married previously and with my ex husband from age 18-32 and then had a year and a half relationship after we divorced. Marriage ended because he was an alcoholic/addict. The boyfriend I have now is very stable financially, treated me very well, and always did what he said. Now that we live together he asks why I wear certain outfits and will suggest that I look better in something else. One time I told him I thought I was gaining weight and he said to start exercising and you can get rid of it. He made it clear he did not want to be w/ a fat girl. I have always been a highly sensitive person and I don't think he means to hurt me but I am unsure as to what is going on here? When we met he told me he never thought that someone like me would go out w/him as if I was out of his league? Please help. I am feeling insecure.
Comment on Cat1864's post
Thank you for your suggestions. My brothers's suicide attempt was very serious and he did almost die. In fact he has to receive surgery to repair the damage he has done. He is very aware of the impact my brother's siyuation has had on me and I in fact needed to take family leave and I am no longer working but I do receive income via taking out my pension early and my retirement account. He often states,"I don't understand why anyone would want to take their life." He does not understand depression or any type of mental illness. I worked in mental health previously for 8 years so I am quite aware of it. He feels you can snap out of it if you just get up and move around and be positive. He had even said he thinks people make it up. He has said I exaggerate my depression/anxiety even though he will see me crying he will say,"What now?" and "I don't have time to deaal with this." I know I cry often but he says I take things too personally and it is not his fault. I am baffled.
Comment on southamerica's post
Thank you! That was very helpful!
Comment on talaniman's post
Yes, in fact I smiled to myself reading your answer as you must seem to know my type of person well. I do not mean to be spoiled or sensitive yet growing up my mother showed her love by giving me things instead of time and affection and all men in my life were either abusive, unavailable, and then after a failed relationship with an alcoholic where I felt I was caring for a child, I feel in a way it is my turn to be treated correctly for once. When I see insensitive actions occurring again,it worries me of the past. I am codependent and try not to be yet still feel needing affection is not being needy. I discussed this situation with him and the feeling that he does not care about me and he told me that he feels that no matter what he does, he sees I am upset with it so in regard to the arm incident and bathroom incident he said he can not tell anymore what is really upsetting to me and what is not because to him "every little thing" upsets me. He says he does care.
Comment on talaniman's post
I don't think I am being self absorbed by asking for affection? Seems the more info. I put out on the posts the more sarcasm I get, not from you so to speak but please realize that when emotions are on the line there are reasons people are asking for help. I am appreciate of your help but how does someone "not take things so personally" and I will ask my therapist this but to all who post, please keep obvious sarcasm to yourself, no offense.
Comment on talaniman's post
I am actually used to being the "caretaker" of the other person and now I feel very dependent. I had 2 great jobs straight out of college and relocated expecting with my experience that I would have no problem establishing something where I am now and I was pretty much forced to leave my old job due to taking leave for my brother's suicide attempt which was unacceptable as I took previos leave for depression from my divorce. I have been seeking employment -even things that I would never look at and I am having difficulty. I am not social, quite anti-social in fact as I am unable to trust people as I have learned they eventually leave or betray so I find it easier to isolate. I am just now beginning to trust his family which was even an issue in the beginning, My "friends had usual been my co-workers and now I speak to people via e-mail so my social network is my boyfriend.
Comment on talaniman's post
Yes, I understand that however when I explain this to him he is annoyed and says it is an excuse just as the depression is dramatic and he often says ,"i am really getting tired of it." He knew everything in the beginning but it is funny how even when you are open with a person they think they can "handle it" . Sometimes I just want to go back to how it was with the long distance relationship but the problem is financially where I was I could not afford it as the rent is higher, finding a job is more difficult, and I really do want to work on things. I am frustrated by his coping mechanisms of avoidance, sleeping on the couch, saying it is all me (which I don't deny a lot is however it takes two), and his game of "I am perfect" which he says as an avoidance joke but knows it drives me crazy.