Entire story merged

I need help waking up my heart here, I never in my life have been in an abusive relationship and I never thought I would. I am currently in a relationship that's not right for me and I KNOW its best for me to run away from this situation, but my heart won't let me. I have heard not from one ex but several ex's about my current boyfriend how abusive he is, and how much of an alcoholic he is. The stories of the abuse are horrible very scary. I confronted my boyfriend first he flew off the handle denied everything,but then came clean and admitted to all his beating on women. Again I know its best for me to run away, but I'm having such great difficulty because my heart is so attached, and so in love. I need some help here on how to wake my heart up in this, because I haven't been able walk away from this and I'm scared I'm going to be the next victim. :(

Its not your heart, but your head, that needs to wake up, and protect you. Love yourself, and you will do good things for yourself. That includes getting you out of bad situations.

Tell your heart to shut the hell up, so you can listen to your brain, and get away from this fellow before you find out what being in an abusive situation is really about first hand.

You can get some good advise by calling a shelter for abused woman in your area, or better yet see some real victims of abuse by visiting one.

Just curious if he has ever been to jail for his assaults, or ever had any kind of counseling, if so how long ago. Not to raise your hopes or make excuses for him, just curious how deep the conversation went.

My first boyfriend I ever had, the most amazing boy/man I'd ever met. At 15 I didn't know any better and I loved him with all my heart.

Of coure I forgave him the nights he used to come home and hold me against the wall and flog me until blood covered me and him, then pouring beer or whiskey over me to help 'clean me off' which left, for days / weeks, with black eyes, bruised lips and fractured cheek bones. And that was just a sample of it.

6 years of torment it took me to realise this wasn't love. 6 years of wasted youth and unrequited love that I thought that was all I was destined for. Turning my back on my family because I knew right and they didn't understand. Losing friends that cared for me because I knew better.

I lost my dignity, self respect, soul, self worth and self importance. It took 4 years to find a glimmer of my former self.

Its not worth it. Get out now. Don't allow yourself to become a victim. You've hit all the warning signs and you know in yourself its wrong just by posting.

Get the hell out and stay well clear.

Yes he has been in jail numerous times for domestic abuse, as well as reckless endangerment, and terroristic threats. The stories I heard were so scary I was completely terrified.

Be afraid enough to take flight, ASAP, and don't wait to see if he has learned his lesson, or changed his ways. Not worth the risk by any means. Make sure you have support in leaving (back up).

Sorry but more questions come to mind,

How old are you both and how long have you been together and it sounds as if you live together, is this true, and if so how long have you lived with him?

He has admitted to you that he beats women. He has a criminal record, that he has been them so bad that police had to be called and they booked him. You want your heart to wake up, miss you need to wake your own backside up. What are you waiting for, to experience having to wake up in the hospital after being beaten to badly that you lose consciousness. Where you can't take deep breathes because your ribs are so bruised that you cant. Or are you waiting to were you have been beaten so many times that you pray to the Lord to please let him kill me this time so I don't have to live like this.
You have a choice to take those steps and leave. Contact your family let them know situation or friends, call woman's shelter, just do something. Good luck

I have only been with him a little less than a year and no, we don't live together. He wanted to but I told him that was moving way too fast.

Answerme_tender's advice really hit home to me. I was one of those women who woke up in a hospital bed after being badly beaten and stabbed numerous times by a man who claimed he loved me. I didn't have any warnings that this was in his nature until after I broke up with him. You have those warnings now. I hope this is hitting home to you.

Find a way to leave, and after you do don't let your guard down. For your own safety, get away and continue to be careful. I can give you a lot of tips on that if you want them, but the most important thing is to decide that it's time to leave.

Then can you please explain why you feel that you want to be with someone like this. Iam thankful that you don't live with him. You deserve a man that will stand next you in good and bad times. He will not stand next to you he will stand above you after he has knocked you to the ground! Please don't think so little of yourself, move on to a possible chance of finding a true relationship that you would never fear bringing a child into!

Tips are always welcome. :) I'm just so conflicted, I never been in this kind of situation before, especially since I'm a very calm laid back person that doesn't drink, so this is all like a cyclone in my head and heart.

I don't think any of us would knowingly go into a relationship with an abusive man. They seem to know how to hide that side until after they have set the hook. You are smart to question this now and know it's not right for you. I am college educated and have a great job. He was an attorney. It came as a huge shock.

Start by reading the stickies on No Contact.

Now my personal suggestions - Okay, as far as protecting yourself:

I broke up with my ex for lying. He had never been violent previously, but after our breakup he did some strange things. I ended up getting a restraining order. Eight weeks after the breakup, he beat me so violently that I was in the hospital for a week and off work for 2 months.

He will blame you. My ex blamed me even though he was the one who lied. I treated him respectfully throughout the break up. You need to protect yourself. You should think about the support you could get from family and friends. You don't have to do this by yourself. I suppose the good news here is that you know he has been violent and has those tendencies. Another poster told me to be glad I found out when I did, as opposed to after getting married and having kids. You know you don't want anything to do with him, and now it's a matter of protecting yourself. I just thought I'd share some things I did.


1. I lived in a gated community. Think about adding security alarms (inexpensive ones that you can put on your windows and door) to your place, but don't let that lull you into a false sense of security. You might even get a personal alarm to carry on yourself.
2. I had an escort to and from my car at work. It was one place he knew he could find me, and one day (prior to the order) he was waiting by my car.
3. Change your habits – for example, shop at different grocery stores, go to different restaurants, etc. You don't want to frequent places where he might look for you.
4. Be careful when you are driving. Watch your mirrors, keep your eyes open. If you see him following you, call 911, or head for the nearest police station or fire station. Be aware.
5. Get a restraining order if needed. I know I was hesitant to do this, so I had my attorney give him fair warning first. However, the order won't necessarily protect you.
6. Close any sites you have such as Facebook or MySpace. I even changed all my passwords for e-mail, Photobucket, etc.
7. If he starts harassing you by phone or e-mail, either change the numbers and address or block him. Personally, I kept mine because I wanted to know what he was thinking. I never responded, though.
8. Tell everyone that you are single, and make sure those you trust know about his actions. Keep them informed of your whereabouts. Also, remember there is safety in numbers.
9. Listen to your gut and your head. If you feel in danger, you are in danger.


Some things to get back your peace of mind, and to start moving on for now:

1. If you have any second thoughts, read your thread over and remember how you are feeling. He will try to change your mind.
2. I spent a lot of time reading threads in here. It helped me to understand that others have been through this, gave me ideas of how to not only survive but also to actually become a better, smarter person, and it gave me many insights. It also helped me realize that I hadn't done anything wrong.
3. I read other websites and even a couple of books. Knowledge is power.
4. It will take time. You may even second guess yourself, but be patient. Stay away from him and allow yourself to heal. You will realize that you have strength and courage, and you will get through this and realize that you deserve better.
5. You might have a hard time eating and sleeping. You have to find a way to do both, as you need to keep yourself healthy. I tried to wear myself out with work and exercise. I'd still wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep. That's when I would read. I found that if I made lists of things I wanted to do, books I wanted to read, and ideas I wanted to remember, I would actually alleviate my stress. To me, it was all about making forward progress.

I hope this helped some. It's crazy that anyone has to go through this, but there is hope. I'm happier now than I have ever been. I hope the same for you.

Wow thank you "Just looking" and everyone else too. "Just looking" you made a lot of sense, and I thank you for telling me so many tips. It just truly drives me nuts that a person can have this much of a grip on me in my heart, its like.. I KNOW what I should do, but I can't walk away because his sweetside kicks in and I get all a softy all over again. Its like I get strong when I don't hear from him the minute I do, I get all happy again inside, unless it's the jerk side of him then I just want to get him off the phone. Since I don't see him that often (only on the weekends) I only see the NICE him in person, never the jerk. I'm glad I was smart enough to tell him that I wasn't ready to move in together yet, truth in the matter I know that will never happen. I'm not that stupid. He has also lied to me a million times, I busted him in some major lies as well. Its like a vicious circle with him.

It's the con artist in him. The "best" abusers know how to con people. My ex was so charismatic - he was considered a big catch in our city. Everyone loved him. You know he's a liar. That is enough to be done with him. On top of that, he is dangerous. You know what you need to do. Just make sure you have a good plan in place, and don't fall for his tricks. I hope you'll let us know how it goes. We worry about these types of situations, and we want to know you are safe.

Know what's funny? His sister said several months ago that his new girlfriend (meaning me) will find out your ways, your issues and how you con people. Also don't know if I mentioned this but ontop of all this he is an alcoholic BIG TIME. I'm really scared I really don't know how to end it totally :(

I agree with Just Looking.

There's an element in us that thinks that 'we're the one', 'we can change him & make that difference'.

It just doesn't happen. And no matter how hard you try the only person at the end of the day that will need help is you.

You'll read all the posts, you'll feel bad, feel empathy, agree with an amount of what's said, throw away what you feel isn't relevant, but I have the distinct feeling you're just going to stay with him to try and 'make that change'.

You will only see the 'nice' side of him until he has you in his clutches. Its like the spider and the fly. You get lured in.. seeing the sensitive, charming and alluring side of him until you're in so deep you can't get out.

Take it from those who have been there, please, for your own sake, don't fall for it. All it seems you're doing is making excuses for him already.

Its not a vicious cycle for him, it's a life choice.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by toomanytears

I'm really scared I really dont know how to end it totally :(

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Just Looking has posted THE 'how to get out guide' and to get out with your safety in mind. Get a pen and paper.. write it down.. pin it up everywhere you can see and use it.

Wow you guys are so powerful with your wording... its getting inside my heart for the first time, I'm so glad I decided to vent on here about my situation, because this truly is hard but nice to know that all of you are helping me with this, thank you. Mystic your right, I have thought a few times maybe I'll change him.. but I know if anyone is going to change its going to have to be him, and I don't see that happening. Once an abuser is always an abuser, if its not going to be physical it will be verbally both just as bad. I'm a very emotional person, I DO NOT like fighting, and honestly I DO see this all developing into major fighting, he gets on edge very easily on the phone with things his roommates does and they aren't people he is "in love with" I'm going to read all these posts like almost every day to keep me strong because I DO NOT want to end up beat up, or in the hospital, or worse, dead. I'm a good person, I don't deserve someone to treat me like that, I know its not happening yet but its all a matter of time until it will. And when it does, I'm going to be the most scared woman in the world, since growing up we didn't really have a fighting household.

Despite what you may think of yourself, you sound like you have a level head and you have not been abused in the past nor have you witnessed it growing up... that's why that little voice in your head is telling you to RUN.

Do exactly what is in Just Looking's post. You have to end it and will need support and most importantly BE SAFE.

Forget this guy. Instead concentrate on you and how you will not be snake-charmed in the future.

You are smart, so act smart. You are strong, so be strong. I wish you the best.

I originally wrote the post I shared with you in response to the following question. I think you might learn a lot from reading this thread, and there are more like it.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ve-498858.html


Something for you to think of when trying to get the courage to leave is that it will only get worse. You haven't suffered physical abuse yet, and you aren't in so deep that it feels impossible to leave. You aren't married. There are no kids involved. You don't live together. Still, you live in fear. Why do that? Do you have family near you that you can turn to for support? If not, how about friends? You might even consider staying with them for the first few weeks - for safety and peace of mind.

You have been told by friends and then it was confirmed by your boyfriend. So you know exactly what you are getting yourself into. And you don't know what you should do? Well, to some people being in an unhealthy relationship is better than not being in a relationship at all. And you have low self esteem, you might even think he is all you deserve. And you should also realize that his addiction to alcohol makes him emotionally "unavailable" for a relationship. When you come right down to it, you deserve to be with someone that will not "potentially " harm you, whether it be physically or mentally. If you are going to continue to struggle with this issue, then you may need some professional help to deal with it

Just an update:
Today I saw this guy again, and I can honestly tell those of you that helped me with advice etc.. That I'm DONE. He was not only verbally fighting with me 90% of the day, but he was also very drunk when I first saw him and that was at 10am. And he continued to drink through the day. It was just a very ugly day, he was blaming me for things, calling me a liar when I wouldn't tell him right away with what was wrong, sorry but that's not called lying its called waiting for when were alone so we can talk in private. I'm glad I saw this side of him today because guess what.. it FINALLY woke my heart up!

I've been wondering how you were. I'm glad you are ready to call this quits. It sounds like you haven't done this yet. When you do, keep your safety in mind. That could mean doing it by e-mail or phone, or at the very least in a public place. Do not go to his place or have him come to yours. You don't want to be alone with him just in case he loses his temper.

I hope you'll read over my tips again. They are all based on what my ex did. I thought I was being so careful, but he used a third party to trick me. Be smart, be careful, and listen to your gut.

Also, know that he will most likely try to sweet talk you into changing your mind. Be firm and strong. My ex didn't give up for weeks, even though I ignored him. Read the stickies in this forum - they are full of great info.

I was wondering, too. Glad to hear from you.

This guy has serious issues and will only bring you pain and unhappiness.

You can't help him. So, help yourself. Saying you're done to yourself is one thing. You have to let him know so that the "getting rid of him" can begin.

As stated above, you will need support and you will need to stick to your guns.

Remind yourself that a guy who is drunk at 10 a.m. and verbally abusing you is not someone with whom you want to share your life. You deserve much, much more. A loving relationship does NOT include being someone's punching bag.

Hi again,
Just wanted to give yet another update, I still haven't seen him since the time in NYC and I don't plan to. Things officially ended it meaning, I wrote some heartless emails that really hit home to him which made him end things. Of course I've been crying here and there, but overall I know this is the best thing. I have my weak moments still on the phone some, I'm trying to eliminate all of communication. He has been trying to guilt trip me into making me think I broke his heart, and that he wants things to work, that he will change etc... But I know better. I found myself coming here tonight to read the replies to my question to give me extra strength, because sadly I need it, I need all the strength I can to not feel bad and back down and feel bad. So any strength suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Look in the mirror and tell the person you see that you love them, and everything will be okay. Its okay to cry, and get it out, and tomorrow, do something great for just YOU!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by toomanytears

hi again,
Just wanted to give yet another update, I still haven't seen him since the time in NYC and I don't plan to. Things officially ended it meaning, I wrote some heartless emails that really hit home to him which made him end things. Of course I've been crying here and there, but overall I know this is the best thing. I have my weak moments still on the phone some, I'm trying to eliminate all of communication. He has been trying to guilt trip me into making me think I broke his heart, and that he wants things to work, that he will change etc... But I know better. I found myself coming here tonight to read the replies to my question to give me extra strength, because sadly I need it, I need all the strength I can to not feel bad and back down and feel bad. So any strength suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

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I just now saw this. I had been out of town for a few weeks. I'm so glad to hear that you are not together with him anymore. Re-reading your posts is one of the best things you can do. It reminds you of why you wanted the break and the dangerous situation that existed. There's nothing wrong with crying, but you shouldn't be having any contact with him. You are taking the chance of letting him wear you down and you aren't allowing yourself to heal. Read the stickies about no contact.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nc-510419.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-510423.html

As for how to keep strong, this stickie has lots of suggestions.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-510425.html

One of the things you should be doing is thinking about what you want in life, and what kind of man and relationship you want. Obviously, it's not the relationship you had. That will reaffirm that you are headed in the right direction. Keep busy, and especially work on things that will improve your life. The best thing you can do for now is go no contact. Those phone calls will do nothing but confuse you. Don't even think about his heartbreak plea. He's just showing his desperation, and if you fall for it you will pay for it in the long run. He's an adult and he can take care of himself. It's time for you to take care of yourself and make the life that you want. Good luck, and post again if you feel weak or just to let us know how you are doing.

Hello again,
Just another update, I STILL haven't seen him and I finally have no more urges to see him, thank god. Granted he has been trying to weasel his way back into my heart but it has not happened, I get weak at times but I totally know what's best. I have heard from sources that his roommates where he lives have thrown him out of where he was living I'm not sure if its true or not but that's what I heard and they threw him out due to drinking. Do I feel bad yes because winter is like right around the corner, will I lose sleep over this? Certainly not. I just need to keep my focus on staying strong and NOT look back.

Well I don't know if anyone is still following this, but thought I'd give another update,I'm still free of him, thank god. He ended up going off on me big time in the end of November, so know what I finally did? I changed my phone number.. and just the other day finally I removed him from my Facebook and blocked him all ways to contact me. I can honestly fully say that I have no more weakness for him. I'm so glad I got warned and I got help from all of you on here!

I just now saw this question and posts... and once again, I'm so thankful for this community. Look at the amazing steps you've made at taking your power back and starting your life again. You go, girl!

You've come a long way, you've made a difference in your life, you've survived, you've become a stronger, wiser, and more vibrant woman, and you're DONE with the loser! :) As an outsider, I'm proud of you!

Keep it up, keep growing, keep learning from this situation. I'd recommend even getting involved in some kind of woman's shelter/abuse center in your area. You have an amazing story! Other women will gather strength from you. Become an advocate, make a difference in someone else's life, too.

You're awesome, girl! :)

I am extremely proud and happy for your new found freedom. I remember that feeling of absolute release with the cutting of every tie possible. Enjoy the overwhelming sense of personal empowerment and strength. It will hold you in great stead in the future.

First verse of a song that when heard makes me 'all that' :)

Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better,
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
But I'm stronger,
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
But I'm richer,
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder,
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
Now I'm wiser,
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
But I'm smarter,
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
But I'm chillin'


To all the strong and independent women out there, I tip my glass to you..

I have posted numerous times on this board about a guy I was involved with that turned out to be total bad news for me. Anyway I have been going through something I don't understand. I have not seen this guy since this one time in NYC when he was all in my face and showed me his abusive side that I got warned majorly about, this was back in October. Anyway, what I don't understand is that, I STILL have communication with him we talk online in instant messages, sometimes emails. I have refused to give him my new phone number, as well as giving him my new address where I live currently yet I still have contact with him, I do not understand. He did something VERY horrible to me that I never mentioned on this board, which I don't know if I ever will talk about it in case he ever finds me posting on here. I just don't understand why I still have communication with this lowlife jerk. I have a better life now, and surrounded by many positive people, yet.. I still talk to him. If my family or my close friends knew they wouldn't be happy with me knowing about the horrible thing I went through because of him. Any explanations?

I remember you.

Why do you still 'choose' to communicate with him?

You do realise it will be only a matter of time while talking with him that he'll suddenly come across as caring and concerned which will eventually lead to him wanting to be a part of your life again.. of which you will eventually cave.

You need to stop talking with him. Continuing to do so will stop you from moving on with your life. He knows this.

He is manipulating you into believing he will/can change. You know yourself what damage he has done and how horrendous he can be. You are going to tear yourself apart if you carry on like this.

You still have it in the back of your head a feeling of 'the devil you know', it's a small intricate feeling in the lowest of times that you could see yourself going back to him because you know what you'd be getting into and that you could change it.

You can't. The damage is done.. you have to... HAVE to move on with your life. That means not speaking / talking / communicating with him EVER again. As you've said, you have a new life.. a positive one.. why weigh yourself down with crap from old?

Thank you for remembering me, and I don't know why I weigh myself down from all this crap, its crazy, especially with the horrible thing that transpired between him and I that I haven't mentioned on here. He keeps feeding me in with all the I miss you, I still love you, we can make this work, I still consider you mine, I can't imagine myself with anyone else etc.. He uses a lot of those lines on me, deep down I know he is full of bs, that's why I don't understand why I still communicate, its so crazy. I do have to say though I don't have the urge to see him, no matter how much he sweet talks, he never gets me to go see him, and I never will give him my new number or my new address. Which he always tells me he is so hurt about. I will say this, because of him I have been dealing with some very horrible health issues, and he knows what's going on he acts like he wants to be there for me to see it through but I'm honest with him and I tell him its too late for that, I have support from my family and close friends. I'm sorry I'm complaining on here I just don't understand why I still want to communicate. :( I am going to keep in mind what you said and reread this after I hit submit this.

In this world where we can control any communication devices we have , I don't know either.

Without getting into specifics it may be beyond the scope of this board and may take some one on one time with perhaps a psychologist to get down to what motivates you to contact this person.

Best of luck.

I totally agree, I'd love to see a shrink to figure this out, once I'm more healthy I plan to do so.

How do you feel when he tells you all that?

Honestly my gutt tells me he is bs'ing me just to try and get me back and he will do anything that he knows or thinks might work. I think that he is just lonely and no one wants him at the current time so he decides to continue working on what was with me, in hope that I will give in and forgive him when I can NEVER forgive him

Plus, it feels pretty nice when he says those things, doesn't it. Even a little satisfactory, like "it's about time you acknowledged that"?

Yes but no... yes because its always nice to hear nice things, but no... because I know he is full of it lol

Quote:

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honestly my gutt tells me he is bs'ing me just to try and get me back and he will do anything that he knows or thinks might work. I think that he is just lonely and no one wants him at the current time so he decides to continue working on what was with me, in hope that I will give in and forgive him when I can NEVER forgive him

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Maybe you cant.. but wondergirl is going exactly where I would go.. just in a nicer way :)

Keep strong.. make notes around the place why you're staying this strong.. he will hit a chord one day when you're at your emotionally weakest and you will fold.. remember the reasons.

Im no doctor nor shrink.. but I'll happily go out on a limb and say till you've dropped him completely from your life.. your health issues will not improve.

I think that he is just lonely and no one wants him at the current time

And you really don't want him to feel bad and lonely because, after all, he is really a nice guy. And until some girl gets interested in him, why not let him text you? You're strong and can take it with grain of salt.