I have been dating this guy for about 1.5 years. I truly love him. We are supposed to get married next summer, but I'm now not so sure on what to do. Over time he became abusive. He would do everything except actually hit me (push, pinch, twist my arm, etc, leaving bruises). He has recently stopped physical abuse but is still controlling though he promised to stop. I tried to break up with him yesterday but he followed me to a friend's house begging and pleading me to stay with him claiming that I am only his no one else can have me, that I have no choice I have to be with him, and how he will find and follow me through the rest of my life if I don't take him back. I ended up taking him back but I am regretting it. I am afraid of what he might do to me and himself if I stop contact.

Additional details, I live with his sister and her wife. They do not approve of his treatment of me and encourage me to stay away from him but ask me not to go through legal channels to solve this.

They are only partially right. Get away from him, stay away, and call the cops if he can't take LEAVE ME ALONE for an answer. Why the heck would you take this fool back in the first place? But what's done is done and whatever it takes for you to leave him safely, do it!

That includes getting away from his family. DISAPPEAR!!

Agree with Talaniman...

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE...

He hurts you, he won't let you leave, he controls you. He is abusive, physically and mentally, and it will only get worse. He won't stop, he can't. You're the one that has the power to stop this, by leaving.

Don't become a statistic. If he won't let you leave, make him leave. That's what the police are for. Get a restraining order, move, don't let him find you. He has no right to demand that you stay with him. You're in control of your life, not him.

Good luck.

Please take control of your life and get him out of your life-call the police-it doesn't matter what his family says-it's your life.

Save it.

The guy is emotional to both extremes. It is dangerous, if you ask him to get lost and still stay there. Really dangerous because in that emotional turmoil he may do anything to him and to you even. Do not feel pity, I repeat, please do not feel pity or guilty at all. It is not your fault, and you can't waste your life. I bet you are clear on what will happen if you going to take him back, but its just your good side that's not letting you say no when he is begging. Don't worry about what he would do to himself if you stop contacts, he will live on. Time to worry about yourself. Move far away, no traces.

I told him it was done, permanently. It hurts me so much but I know it's for the best. I don't want to end up like my mother, who was abused by my father, or like his mother, abused by his father.

Thank you all for the support.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lyra123

I don't want to end up like my mother, who was abused by my father, or like his mother, abused by his father.

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Good for you! It's time to break the circle of abuse!

Take good care of yourself and be around people who care for you.

Follow up:

I figured this is where I should post this question as it pertains to him and our break up. He has begun to use other people's phones to message me and telling me of his recent suicide attempts and his sadness over the death of his great grandmother. I know for a fact he doesn't even remember her. I shouldn't have responded but I did. I called him out on this and he admitted that he was only trying to kill himself over me. I talked to his family and they said he really did not attempt suicide and he was trying that as a tactic to get me back. I am ignoring him at the moment .

But I can't help thinking, "what if he does end up killing himself? It will be my fault."

Please to all of you, will you help me stay strong enough to ignore him and stay away?

What do I do if he really does commit suicide? Will it be my fault since I broke his heart this badly?

Stay strong and don't fall for this pathetic kind of emotional blackmail.

A person who threatens suicide to get someone to get back with them is a cowardly jerk.

Change your mobile phone number.

Amicon, Thank you. I can't afford to change my number right now though, medical bills have the most of my money at the moment. But within the next month or so I plan to change to one of those walmart phones. So I guess that counts as changing my number doesn't it? Thank you for the advice.

I went through a similar experience so I know how you feel. Two years ago, my ex hounded me for weeks after we broke up and did eventually make an attempt on his life.

Don't let him force you into a relationship you don't want. You have good reasons to not be with him. He will have to work this out for himself. He is trying to manipulate you. I would cut off contact completely.

If you haven't already done so, read all the stickies in this forum about No Contact (no calls, texts, emails, visits, etc.) and then stick to it. Every time you give in and talk to him, you just encourage further attempts on his part at communication. If he does follow through with his threats of suicide, it is not your fault. He is an adult and he is responsible for his actions. I did call his parents and best friend to let them know he needed help, but I stayed out of it beyond that. I don't even think you need to do this as his sister is already aware he has problems.

Tell your friends and family what you are doing. If you feel threatened in any way, contact one of them. It is better to be safe than sorry. If you feel threatened that he might harm you, talk to the police and everyone in your daily life – friends, family, and co-workers. There are many ways you can protect yourself. Don't take this lightly. My ex “lost it” and ended up seriously hurting me. Don't let that happen to you. You deserve so much more in life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lyra123

What do I do if he really does commit suicide? Will it be my fault since I broke his heart this badly?

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He won't commit suicide. He thinks too well of himself to do that.

You didn't break his heart. There's no room for you in his heart because his heart is full of himself.

Just Looking,
Thank you. I have read the stickies and I'm trying my best.
I'm so sorry that that happened to you. And you are right, I do not deserve this. No one does. I used to believe I deserved it and make excuses. I did the same thing for my father when he was abusive.

I have talked to my family about him, the family I am able to (the men in my family believe abuse is normal for a man with the exception of one male cousin) and what friends I have.

I guess what is really getting me is that I promised to him I'd always be there when he needed me, and he is claiming to need me now. I always take my promises very seriously and this is bothering me greatly.


Thank you for the advice Just Looking. It is very good advice and I'll be sure to stick by it


Wondergirl,
Very good point. He is very selfish and I knew that but I never looked at quite that way. Thank you

You sound like a very honorable person, but I bet you also made that promise when he was treating you decently. My ex hid his true self from me for many months. There was a time when I thought I would have done anything to be with him, but as I found out who he really was I could no longer accept being with him.

He doesn't need or deserve you. He's an adult and it's time he acted like one. You don't have to be there for him, especially when your safety is in question. He is the one who is responsible to do what he needs to do. Chances are he doesn't want to change. I doubt very much he will change if you stay in the picture. If it helps make you feel better, maybe you can realize you are doing him a favor by leaving. If he's really serious, it may cause him to look at himself and make some necessary changes. However, don't make that your issue. Be concerned about yourself, your happiness, and your safety. I'm now happier than I have ever been. That's because I made the changes in my life that led to a better life.

I just finished reading Boundaries by Psychologist Henry Cloud. It's time you set some, Lyra. Doing that will help you heal from your poor treatment by that heel. ;)

Just Looking,
Once again you are right. In the beginning he was so... now I see it as fake but at the time I thought it was perfection. Then he started showing his true colors by making rules for me (who I could talk to, what I could wear, when I could go out, etc). Before the change, he asked me to be there for him always when he needed me and to promise that I would. I did then, and I guess since the promise was made to a person while they were lying with their actions (pretending to be someone they are not) the promise could be seen as null and void.

I do hope that he changes, not for me, for himself so that maybe he can have a healthy relationship with someone else down the road and maybe lead a happier and better life.

Wondergirl,

You are right. You know you and Just Looking make quite a good team. I do need to set boundaries. Could you suggest where to start?

Love yourself enough to protect yourself, against anyone and anything that threatens your well being and happiness.

Doesn't matter who, what, or how, the only thing that matters is what you do about it. Put yourself first, and don't cross the line.

Talaniman,
Thank you for your input, once again very advice

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lyra123

I do need to set boundaries. Could you suggest where to start?

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Go to your local public library and check out Boundaries by Henry Cloud. If your library doesn't have it, ask them to get it for you through interlibrary loan.

Meanwhile, watch this short video on setting boundaries --

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfKRMH5zaYo&NR=1

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lyra123

Just Looking,
once again you are right. In the beginning he was so... now I see it as fake but at the time I thought it was perfection. Then he started showing his true colors by making rules for me (who I could talk to, what I could wear, when I could go out, etc). Before the change, he asked me to be there for him always when he needed me and to promise that I would. I did then, and I guess since the promise was made to a person while they were lying with their actions (pretending to be someone they are not) the promise could be seen as null and void.

I do hope that he changes, not for me, for himself so that maybe he can have a healthy relationship with someone else down the road and maybe lead a happier and better life.

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Exactly. That's what manipulators do. They act "perfect" until you fall in love with them and they think you will do anything to keep the relationship. The thing is who you fell in love with does not exist. Even his extracting that promise from you was manipulation, especially asking for that promise and then changing after getting it. He was relying on the fact that you are honorable and would feel you had to stick by your promise. It was based on lies, so you are absolutely right that it is null and void.

As everyone is saying, the most important thing here is to protect yourself and work towards establishing a happy life. I also love Wondergirl's suggestion of the book. I am a huge reader, and I read a lot of books and websites when I was going through all of this. I also spent countless hours reading posts in this website. There are many that will either teach you something, open your mind to new ideas, or agree with your own thoughts and thereby give you even more confidence you are doing the right thing.

Wondergirl,
Thank you again. I'll look into that book and I just watched the video. Very helpful

You made a promise to someone that was lying to you. You aren't expected to keep a promise made to someone that didn't tell you the truth.

He's abusive, manipulative, and just not a very nice person. You deserve better.

You don't need to be there for him, you're no longer his girlfriend. You have to leave him to his own devises, and move on, live your life. Stop being concerned about him, and think about your own safety. You come first!

I've been in abusive relationships in the past. These men will say and do anything to get you back. It's not that they love you, it's that you broke their control, you took the control back, and you walked away. A man that thrives on control cannot handle losing that control. He doesn't want you back, he wants to be able to dominate you again. That's what he misses, and he'll say or do anything to get you to give that control back to him.

He won't change, not for you, not for anyone. He doesn't think he has a problem.

You walked away. Now don't look back. Keep walking. Trust me, the view around the corner is so much better then what's behind you.

Just Looking,

You are absolutely an angel you and Wondergirl aren't you?
Sorry, I am so pleased to have received such good advice and support .

I too am a huge reader, so I plan on walking to the library as soon as I have free time to establish a library card then to check out the book (I moved into this county and town in December and haven't had a chance to join the library)

I guess it was manipulation. And I am realizing that I had been manipulated from the start.

I plan to work on building myself a happy and good life, starting with finnally going to college as I had planned before to become a high school english teacher. (he had wanted more time with me and insisted I become a housewife)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lyra123

(I moved into this county and town in december and havent had a chance to join the library)

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What?? You've lived there six months and still don't have a library card?? Silly girl!!

I'm so happy to hear you have future plans. That will make a world of difference. As I just PM'd to Alty (Altenweg), I hope you keep posting here. When I was going through my ordeal 2 years ago, the support and positive comments I received meant the world to me. You might have ups and downs, but if you keep on track you will succeed. We would all be happy to hear your progress, support you, and offer advice as needed.

Altenweg,

Thank you very much for your input. That's how my father is with my mother as well. I could always see it with him, but I hadn't until recently with my ex.

Short, sweet, and to the point, I like it.

It's hard not to look back, as ugly as the picture behind me may be and in all honesty, I have a bit of fear regarding the future. He was my second time being with a man in my entire life and the first relationship went somewhat similar. I believe that maybe a bit of my "hanging on" is that I am afraid no other man or women would be any better and a part of me clings to what I know rather than risk anything worse. I will be keeping my head up however and looking toward turning the corner to a whole new street of life.

Wondergirl, in the first few months (december until march) I lived in the neighboring town with my ex and his dad, I didn't go anywhere without him and he did not want to go to the library for anything except free internet (during which I sat silently at his side) in the months after I've been busy with trying to find a job and I'll admit, I have been stalling. My previous town I had gotten the library card when I was 3 years old, and kept the account even until now. I have tourettes syndrome that began developing around 13 and now it is so terribly embarrassing when I enter quiet places like libraries and doctor offices with uncontrollable stomping, clapping, and shrieking.

Maybe this end of this relationship will make a new beginning? Don't be controlled by those in a relationship and do not be controlled by my "condition" perhaps?

Just Looking,

Yes I have future plans (though I'm not sure how my tourettes syndrome will affect them) and I'm hoping working towards those goals will keep me busy and give me a sense of satisfaction to keep me going and away from people who keep me down.

I do plan to continue on this site. I have posted on many sites before to receive replies such as "u desrv it [explitive explitive]" "life sux get ova it" and the like with good advice and caring people few and far in between. I like being able to give good proper advice without the harassment of other site members for being kind

Being good to yourself and having goals that are supportive is the way to go.

You can do this.

Amicon,

Thank you. Before I was not so sure I could. Now I am certain I can

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lyra123

now it is so terribly embarrassing when I enter quiet places like libraries and doctor offices with uncontrollable stomping, clapping, and shrieking.

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Have you seen a doctor about the Tourette's? There are meds to help quiet the "sound effects." And by the way, libraries are no longer quiet places!

Doesn't Tourette's manifest itself even more when you are under stress? Be sure to let the clerks and librarians know you have Tourette's, and they will be much more understanding and protective of you. Also, call ahead, explain your situation and that you want a card, and ask them to pull certain books for you (if you know titles), so the book will be waiting for you to check out.

Wondergirl,
I can't get medication until I switch my insurance (I am a little embarrassed to admit I am going through welfare to apply for a more affordable insurance) as I am under 26, leaving me on my mother's insurance. It is good insurance, but has copays that I just cannot afford right now (because of this I also am not on my depression, bipolar, and ADD medication).

Once again, wonderful advice (is this why you are WONDERgirl?) It will probably be a lot better than screaming a scream from a bad horror movie, turning heads, and being chastised for disturbing the peace as I explain my condition.

And yes it does, though it doesn't always follow that pattern. Just like with arthritis patients, I have my good days where I twitch little to none, and my bad days where I'm a noisy twitchy mess.

When you call the library, be sure to ask what ID they will want to see so you can get your card. Libraries used to give a card to almost anyone who walked in, but those days are over because of identity theft, etc. You will probably need to present a photo ID of some sort and maybe one or two additional pieces of ID.

Ask where else you can use your card. A library card in my state (Illinois) can be used at most public libraries in the state as well as at a lot of college and university libraries.

I did go in once (before I got an address change ) and they said I'd need my ID or something in the mail having my name and address on it.

It can be used at any library within the county (I have an allegheny county card but no westmoreland card, which is were I am now)

Thank you for your help so far Wondergirl

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lyra123

Amicon,

thank you. Before I was not so sure I could. Now I am certain I can

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I never had any doubt. I know you can! :)

We're behind you all the way. If you ever have any doubts, come here and talk about it.

This site is great. The people on this site are the best people I've never met. I count many of them as friends, even though we're spread all over the world and will likely never meet.

I've been on many different sites, but this one is the best. The people here care about each other.

Now you're part of it. So use it. If you need help, need to talk, have doubts, talk to us. That's what we're here for. :)

I have no doubt that you're going to get through this, and you're going to come out of it happier, stronger, and ready to find someone that actually treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Don't you settle for less. You are worth it!

Thank you Alty. I am taking all the support I can get and I hope to one day be counted among the experts or even just be a well respected and liked member of AMHD.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lyra123

Thank you Alty. I am taking all the support I can get and I hope to one day be counted among the experts or even just be a well respected and liked member of AMHD.

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Got news for you, you're already well liked and respected. :)

The Expert thing is just a title. We're all just people, we're all here for the same reason, to get help, and to give help. Don't let a title make you think we're anything special. Every person is an expert in their own right. :)