We're heading out of town and she won two flights and hotel for three nights. A few friends know about my money issues with her (detailed below)and think I should tell her we should put equal amounts of money in a pot to draw from for attractions, meals, etc. What do you think and how is the best way to bring this up? Or do you think I should pay for everything since her winnings cover the hotel/flights (she bought a $5 raffle ticket)?



Background-When we go out she pretty much expects me to pay for whatever we do/eat, etc. Sometimes she'll buy us a drink or something else that adds up to maybe 10 percent of the night's cost. I've mentioned this issue a few times and she says that she's used to guys paying and her family always paid for her since she was the youngest. She knows money is an issue right now as my company gave everyone a 14 percent pay cut and I have sole custody of my three children. Plus the fact that she makes more money than I do and besides the kids, my costs are higher-such as my house payment-which is double what her cost is every month.

It's not like she's a big money grabber or really selfish-she's very giving to the less fortunate. But she seems very traditional about the man paying for dates and a night out w/$50 for the babysitter and a meal, etc. can cost $100-150 which is a bit tight for me these days. I've never had an issue like this with women before-it would usually be more give and take, but this is making me feel like she just thinks I'm cheap.

Good couple talk about these kinds of things, so swallow your pride, and tell her you are broke, or ask her what she expect from you on this trip.

Sometimes you have to be specific about your needs, and work together. And I have to be honest here, she should understand your situation, and make no burdens on your house hold, but that's just me.

Being responsible is not cheap, and she must understand that your kids come before her.

If you can't afford to go, don't go, then there is no issue with spliting the costs.

Arguments over money or one person feeling hard done by can put a lot of pressure on a relationship, which leads to resentment.

There's plenty you can both do that does not costs a lot of money, or even no money.

Picnics, walks, museums, bowling, dinners in, dvd night.

If there's going to be a price tag attached to every date or time you spend together, it's the beginning of the end.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to redhed35 again.

I agree totally! Whatever happened to those romantic nights in watching a movie!

Thanks for the replies so far.

To be fair to her, we've dated almost one year and at this point she drives to my house each weekend for our date to help me save money on babysitters. We often just get pizza with the kids and do fun, free activities with them until they go to bed and then stay in and watch a movie.

But understandably she does like to go out to eat or to an event which is fine. It just annoys me that she has never said "let me get half" or even the tip, knowing I'm also paying a babysitter on top of that. But they are my kids so in a way that's not her problem that I have that cost. She's never dated someone with kids before.

Twice in the last month she has paid for something smaller when the kids were not around ($15 total each time) but both times I teased her about paying or she probably wouldn't have. Later if I tease her she says "I pay sometimes too" but $15 vs. $100 plus total cost (or say $50 for dinner) isn't quite the same to me.

Sometimes I think I'm comparing her to my last girlfriend who was more giving. In fact, she'd often say she'd get dinner, etc. because I have the kids and would always buy. At first I would almost feel guilty a bit letting her pay and it wasn't a big deal.

In this case I guess it is more of the entitlement attitude that annoys me. She will also hint that "a girl likes flowers and jewelry" and I sometimes will get her something. Flowers-about $6-not $60 and jewelry a few times that was more artsy style and in the $35 range so it's not like she's expecting diamonds.

So I'm not exactly lavishing her with gifts, trips, etc. and I've tried to keep it down to a few times out per month at most the last six months. But it's all I can do right now with my budget. I'm sure many women would have decided I was too cheap and be gone already. Lucky I'm so amazing in other ways! :D

I can afford to go on this trip (first real vacation in a few years) but feel we should split the costs which as mentioned, could be $500-1000. Just figuring the best way to broach the idea of making her think it's fair to do the costs split. Yes, I'm a bit sucky at communicating and stating these things. Partly because I think I've driven home this money issue plenty of times and she should get it. Maybe the answer is this relationship will have to end one day.

Rambling over!

Well,maybe it should- is there a future for you?

The way you put it,my take on it is spoiled 'pampered 'princess'-so do you seriously think you'll be together in a year's time?

For a lifetime?

You have some baggage to deal with but, if you ain't got the cash, then you tell her now before this becomes a big ta-do.

The fact that you are so ready to go so far to please this chick instead of being honest, may be a red flag you should pay attention too. Honesty should be what you are about and if she can't deal with it she is the wrong one for a guy with a couple of kids. That's the deal, and if she isn't willing to learn, and accept you for your situation, then what the freakin' point of dating her??

You big scaredy cat, start with the honest conversation and tell her you're broke because you have kids to take care of, and if she ain't down with the truth..!

The problem here is fundamental. It expresses the idea of fixing a tree when is growing is a lot easier than making a tree with a huge trunk change its course. You have been with her for some time, and in that time you have allowed these type of behavior to happen. Now you might have to get into an argument to make her wake up and notice that you are not her money train and that she is independent enough to cover for her own things (at least sometimes). So just get it out of your chest and slowly start inviting her to pay. E careful because she might be using you for your money, I don't know many women that are willing to join a father of three, so take a good luck at where you visualize this relationship going.

Good Luck,
Javi

I don't feel she's with me for my money as I am pretty frugal these days and don't really spend that much. I would say I have not given myself completely to her because this has bugged me for awhile. I've kept my eyes open and dated a few others as we are not exclusive but she's easily my favorite. I have addressed the money a few times and tease her about paying. But I guess I've been too soft about it as she usually points out that she's paid a few times and I just let it go thinking if she doesn't get it at this point we will one day end. So we're enjoying each other for now but I do question the long term in a major way. She's in her early 40's so maybe that's part of why she's set in her ways. Hmmmm.

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I've kept my eyes open and dated a few others as we are not exclusive but she's easily my favorite.

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She fetch your slippers and paper too? Pat her on the head when she's been a good girl?

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She's in her early 40's so maybe that's part of why she's set in her ways.

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It makes me wonder if she was in her 30's you'd think differently.

How about splitting everything 50/50.. then there's no issue on she paid for this, I paid for that.. eliminate it all together. If you can't afford 50/50 one night.. don't go...



@ Javi

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don't know many women that are willing to join a father of three

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Don't know many 'good' men willing to join a mother of one.. but they are out there (I hope!).. just as there will be a woman who'd be willing to take on a father of three.

No slippers or paper. In fact, she takes my paper.

30's differently? I'm not sure. I guess I'm thinking about that because a friend said the set in the way thing. He thinks I should find a woman with a child that would understand my situation better but I haven't had any luck with the women with kids. Partly it's been scheduling issues, but I'm sure if I found the right person that would be a factor we'd work through.

If she invites you out, she pays, if you invite her out you pay! You are making this a lot more complicated than it has to be. You want her to party you on this trip, tell her. You only have a few bucks in the budget, tell her! You act like you are afraid of her.

I'm not afraid of her in the least.

I guess I just wonder if maybe I'm looking cheap.

You have kids to raise, how can someone see you as cheap?

Good point. Guess I get an entitlement vibe from her and apply it to me being cheap. My issue.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You have kids to raise, how can someone see you as cheap?

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Actually I completely bypassed this.. and Tal brings up a really good point.

You're splitting hairs over who pays what.. when really your whole embodiment for a relationship shouldn't be over money but really how the woman fits into your family.

I've been on 3 dates and 2 seond dates, I pay half.. I have it stuck in my mind if they pay they'll expect something at the end of the night.. first night it's all about me and him, have a laugh, get to know each other blah blah blah.. second date I introduce my daughter into the conversation. Needless to say none of them have children and I'm fairly positive one actually balked. I've not seen any of them again. I won't and refuse to spend my time with someone 'just for the hell of it' who I don't see as being able to accept my daughter and me.

And really if your issues are just with money, (because you seem not to have an issue with her with your kids) then perhaps you're just looking for an excuse not to be with her. If not, then use the set you were born with tell her how it is and deal with it.

My kids like her and she loves the kids. I didn't bring her into their lives until about five months into the relationship as I don't want them meeting every person I date.

I think sometimes I (wrongly) compare the last long term girlfriend to her. She was quick to help pay things and super generous with her time and sacrifices for the kids and put us first a bit more. Not that it was the right thing for her. Plus she was more of a play with the kids type and not as restrained.

So yes, how the woman factors in with the kids is huge as they are the most important thing in my life.

I'm very attracted to her but at times I wonder if I'm crazy enough about her and the money thing is one of those nagging things (and some offshoot actions) that bugs me and has kept from maybe giving myself completely to her. She's been fine with taking things slow (last one was turbo mode and way too fast) and does not just want to settle, just as I don't.

Okay, I am curious. If she isn't the only woman you are dating, are you the only man she is seeing? Also, how do you handle the financial arrangements with your other dates? Do you talk to them or have an understanding with them? Is she the only who doesn't 'get it'?

As far as dating others, I dated a few women once or twice in the first few months when I'd see her/talk her with once a week. But the last nine months I haven't dated anybody else.

But I'm just pointing out that I'm still keeping my eyes open as I'm on the fence about her due to a few small issues that I'm thinking may end up bothering me more and more as times goes on.

I don't want to make a mistake and suddenly I'm married and unhappy because I just went with "it's good enough".

Maybe I'm doing things wrong (foot in mouth) but I'm learning. My dating experience is not huge and I have often tended to settle too quickly and most of my relationships were 1-3 years with very few dates that didn't turn out that way until this last year. I was married for 17 years.

As far as past dates I would always buy the first time or few times but never really thought about it. At some point they would offer to pay or help pay. Sometimes I would take them up, sometimes not. Never had issues before this. But I was also making more before the pay cut and this woman really enjoys restaurants and drinks that are a bit pricier. Not that I'm taking her out every week as she would like. With the kids and babysitting costs we often get pizza or something cheaper. But even then she doesn't always seem too conscious of costs. One time I thought we'd all get a few pizzas and suddenly she also wants pasta ($15), salad, a few glasses of wine. So the projected cost of $30 or so ended up being $60. I'm probably starting to ramble and will stop now!

Be straight up and honest. Using your own example, why didn't you simple tell her that all you had was pizza money, when she ordered the extras? Having trouble speaking up?

Still looking is no big deal except that I think you are letting it cloud your judgment.

You know there are issues but you aren't really working on them from what I have seen from your posts. You are talking about talking about doing something. However, I think you are going along for the ride right now because a better prospect hasn't come along, yet. With us you are talking a good game, but I wonder if she has really heard anything other than 'teasing'.

Does she know you are 'still looking' and on the proverbial fence? What does she think is going on with the relationship?

I think you need to be honest with yourself and her. Be honest about what you want and what you need in a relationship. Find out if she is willing to meet you half way. If she isn't, let her go and heal and move on.

It really is not fair to her or your children to hold on to 'might be okay' while you keep looking for your 'soul mate'.

I just went with it since I did have a credit card. As I've said, I guess I feel like I'm being cheap when I bring these things up. My issue.

We have both discussed things at times and we are probably a bit weaker at communicating than we should be.

You may be right about going along for the ride. It's fun, convenient, etc. w/my current situation and I do enjoy being with her.

She knows I'm not just teasing. One of the last times we went out she knew I was getting a sandwich and water and when she heard the special seafood dish she said "oooh, I think I'll get that". Then the waiter left and she said "maybe I should have asked how much" so when she came back she asked and was told the price and said "maybe that's too much?" and feeling like I was on the spot as being Mr. Cheap I said "if you want it then get it". Then she ordered her second beer. I thought I would see if she pitched in for the bill since she was clearly thinking it was a bit high but no money came from her.

I have not said anything to her like "I like you but I'm still looking and on the fence." She knows I'm being cautious after my last relationship and I'm not leading her on with talk about the future. I've also never said that I love her, nor has she.