I'm 34. I am/was dating a girl, currently 28, for approximately five years. We broke up 2 1/2 years into the relationship after constant fighting and mistrust. I thought she was having an affair with her married boss after I found her texting him late at night and his name was in her cell phone as "My Husband". She denied it and said the name was a joke. I could never prove anything occurred, but the mistrust was planted. Things went downhill thereafter. She moved out and we broke up. After not speaking for 9 months we eventually got back together because after we saw each other out one night she claimed she knew I was the one she wanted to be with. It was rough at first because I had trust issues. And, I found out she was texting other guys she "saw" when we broke up. She claimed that nothing inappropriate was going on and they were just "guy friends". I moved past it trusting her.

For the past year, things have generally been great. She's settled down and we haven't had any real problems. Things have been so good, we actually signed a lease together to move in, in two weeks. She talked about how she couldn't wait to marry me and for us to start our life.

Believing that I could definitely spend my life with this woman. I bought and engagement ring and set up a proposal for this weekend.

Last night, I was at her house visiting and was getting ready to leave to drive to her parents to ask for their permission to marry their daughter. We had both recently got new phones, so I was looking at hers while she was in the shower. It definitely was an invasion of privacy, but something told me to do it. I had trusted her for the past 9 months and didn't have any issues. But something made me think I should look.

When I looked, I saw she had a voicemail from a number I didn't recognize at 1am the night before. Curiosity got the best of me and I listened to the voicemail. It was a man's voice who was highly intoxicated, it said... "Princess, I loved spending time with you yesterday. I miss you. I'm sorry I couldn't come over tonight. I can't wait to keep my promise to you...". I wrote down the number from the message. I called the number, it was her married boss's cell phone.

In shock, I stormed out of her house. Mistake. Minutes later I called her to question her on it. She denied that any message existed ever existed. She said "I have no idea what you are talking about I never got that message". When I returned, we called her voicemail together, she had deleted it from her phone.

She claimed that I was crazy and accusing her of something that I had no bounds. She got very defensive and insulted me and said I issues for checking her phone. She's right. What I did was wrong, but there was just something that told me to do it.

I left. Hours later, in what I can only guess was an effort to resolve the situation, she gave me her T-Mobile login to check on calls that night. What she didn't realize was that the voicemail logs were in a different part than what she likely looked at and didn't see anything. Apparently, incoming calls don't show on the online log if they are not answered and go to voicemail. Sure enough, though, there was a call to her phone that night 30 seconds after the timestamp on the message I heard (1:03am) where she checked her voicemail. I also saw a series of phone calls and messages between them from that day. Although, it was not a regular everyday correspondence, just periodically spaced between weeks, but sometimes at 1am or 2am in the morning when she claimed she was out with friends.

When confronted with this information, she continued to claim that no message ever existed, that anytime she called her voicemail was for other reasons and that any messages between her and her boss were purely work or friendship related. She said sometimes she would text him when out at night innocently.

All that being said, what do I do? I know she's lying. But I can't prove it. I'm not making the voicemail up. And, coincidentally the online log confirms she just happened to check her voicemail seconds after the message that supposedly didn't exist was left at 1:03am? My guess is she will go to her grave denying it because if she admits it she thinks I will tell someone that works at her company and she will get fired. And/or her boss's wife.

In an attempt to get the truth, I told her if the message and calls were one sided (and it was just her boss contacting her inappropriately) all she had to do was tell me, I would understand and we could work through it. She would only say that no such message ever existed. And continued to tell me I was the one with issues. I've seen this pattern before, when she is caught in a lie she gets defensive and tries to turn it on the other person.

In my head I KNOW she's lying. I've always believed, if if walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... But the fact that she continues to deny it is now making me think that I'm crazy and I'm wrong? How can that be?

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Originally Posted by BetrayedPA

Curiosity got the best of me and I listened to the voicemail. It was a man's voice who was highly intoxicated, it said... "Princess, I loved spending time with you yesterday. I miss you. I'm sorry I couldn't come over tonight. I can't wait to keep my promise to you...". I wrote down the number from the message. I called the number, it was her married boss's cell phone.

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All that being said, what do I do? I know she's lying. But I can't prove it.

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You heard the message. You called the number and know it was her boss calling. What do you do? You've done it. Why do you have to prove she's lying? To whom?

Yes, I heard the message. And, called the number. And, saw that she called her voicemail seconds after the message was received. But she still adamantly claims no message ever existed? I feel like I would be able to move on if she just admitted it. But she won't. And swears that I'm crazy and making it up. This is the girl I've spent the past five years with and has told me everyday for the past two years, she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me.

You poor fool, you want to believe her so badly, and you are hurt by what you have found.

You have the facts, so that makes her a liar, so dump her and put this behind you.

You will always be miserable if you stay, and will be miserable about ending things. So take your pick, and act in your own interest by ending it. At least the lies will end.

You know what you know, you heard the message,you checked the log, it was there, what's confusing you now is the barrage of 'it was'nt me!'

She was been with her boss before and it ended your relationship, now it has happened again.

You don't have to prove anything, she was the one who had to prove she could be faithful, I don't believe in once a cheater always a cheater, I believe people can make mistakes and they can prove themselves trustworthy again, but from your post I believe she is seeing him again, I may be wrong, this is purely opinion.

Cancel the lease, get your money back on the ring, close the door on the relationship and thank your lucky stars you know now and not when you got married.

1. You don't trust her
2. You KNOW she's lying to you.

So... what do you do?

1. Break it off with her. Now. Permanently. Write off the deposit on the lease as a loss, and return the ring.
2. Get checked for STD's.

I agree that you don't have to prove anything as you already know it.now its upon you to decide how badly you want to be in this relationship knowing all the facts.. or just move on.

It's devastating, planning your whole life around someone to find out they're lying to you. What makes it worse is I don't have real proof. If I would have just been smart enough to play the message for her before I left, it wouldn't have even been a question. But she denies it. And has turned it around on me, saying I'm crazy and she would never want to be with anyone who could accuse her of something like this?

What are the chances that I'm not right for whatever reason? It can't be. I heard the message, and saw the call record at the same time online. Yet she continues to deny it? After five years, how can someone be so manipulative and heartless to deny in the face of knowledge and then try to spin it around? If she would have said it was just her boss drunk leaving a message and it was unreciprocated from her, I WOULD have actually believed her! But the fact that she claims the message never existed? I checked the time and date stamp and the number. How would I even know the number if I didn't hear the message? She claims, I could have seen it before? ***? The denial is driving me insane.

she would never want to be with anyone who could accuse her of something like this

Well, that takes care of it then.

Why are you trying to justify that she is clean? She will never admit it and has even gone to the trouble of erasing and purging her phone. And you've walked down this road before.

Question: Is it possible, I somehow blew this out of proportion? I know she lied about the message. But maybe it was her boss just being drunk? And she didn't want to admit it. It would be very difficult for her to be cheating as I know where she is almost every night. But there have been a few occasions where she is unaccounted for. According to the call records I KNOW they aren't calling/txting every day? But I can't get over the message knowing that I heard him say "I miss you... and sorry I couldn't see you tonight..." The worst part is, I was the one that was likely being cheated on; and I'm the one that feels awful. Like I would almost do anything to get her back and return to "normal". But from what I've heard she's out acting as if everything is great.

Oh, it's possible.

It's just not very PROBABLE. It's possible that I'm going to win the lottery this week, too---but I'm not holding my breath and planning my life around it.

Why would she take the time and trouble to erase the message, etc. if there was no problem with it -- and then deny it even existed, plus assert there's nothing going on between them? Why is she so defensive? Why am I even posting this?

You know the truth of it, just will not admit it to yourself,
If it was nothing she would not lie, so no you do not need her to "confess" to move on, her confessing will only make you think you feel better or have some advantage, You want to "WIN" be proved right and have her admit it, so you can perhaps rub it in her face a little to make yourself feel a little better.

Leave with dignity

Take it from someone who has been in a similar situation... in the state you are in now, you want to believe her. But, guess what, the die has been cast. What would it matter if you played the message in front of her... there would be some other type of lame excuse/explanation. You're not crazy, just stunned right now.

Things will become much more clear once the dust settles and you will realize you just dodged a huge bullet. Tie up all the loose ends and do not so much as say goodbye to her.

Wake up and smell the roses sunshine, she's playing you like a fool and keeping the idiot boss on the hook for the 'down times' when she 'needs' something fresh and exciting.

She's a compulsive liar who needs the attention of men to feel 'wanted & needed'.

You're an idiot if you keep trying to justify her actions. They are not the actions of a woman who loves one man. She needs many to feel whole.

Time to pick up your ego and pride and kick her to the curb. You're asking for nothing but heartache if you continue to pursue her. You're never going to get an honest answer out of her because she doesn't realise what she is. Worse thing is, she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong.

DONEZO! You sound like a nice guy and there's tons of single, hot, sweet, available girls in their 20's and 30's looking for their prince. Let her and the boss have each other. It's going to be a hot mess and she will end up alone and lonely. I'm glad you found out now and not after you got married. I'm sorry you're going through this but in time and with no contact this will all be a thing of the past. Everything always works out as it should. Have faith!

The fact that she's lying and still continues to allow those texts is all you need to know.

You should have dumped her the first time. Really, had balls then.

Screw this. Sounds like she's been playing you the whole time.

Wake up, my man. NC from now on.

Ewww...

Your days with her are numbered any way because now she knows you are on to her. Handle your business, and cry later!

Why are sticking to the same thing again and again?it seems you don't want to let her go?

You know what happened. You know what you heard. You don't need us to tell you what you should do.

Face the truth and act accordingly.

You'll be happy you did a couple of months down the line.

Yes, I am having a hard time letting go. After five years and me being ready to propose I honestly believed she was the woman I would spend the rest of my life with. It's sad, but even after what she did, I have trouble sleeping and wake up in the morning in a panic because I can't bare the thought of life without her.

Just to be sure, I went through the tmobile call logs again. One thing I am certain of, is she did receive the message I heard from her boss at 1am. It did say, I miss you and sorry I couldn't see you tonight, etc. But I know for a fact that night she was at home and had messages me at 11pm. And the same the prior night. So, it would have been impossible for her to have been with him on those two days unless he came over after.

While the message is definitely an indicator that something happened between them at some point. I can't be sure when. Now that I look at the call logs again, their conversation (at least on the # I know) is sporadic. Sometimes a week or more in between. Although they do see each other at work. And there would be somewhat of a legtimate reason for them to be talking or texting. A lot of texts happen after work hours (8pm, 9pm, 10pm). The kicker is a 7 minute phone call at 2:28am on December 18th. A minute after she called me drunk and told me she was going to bed.

It's obvious she lied. And maybe at one point (when we were broken up or not) had some sort of inappropriate reltionship with him. But for some reason I can't but help thinking maybe the message was just him being drunk and there was nothing currently going on. Maybe she felt she had to give in to the messages because her job was in his hands. Maybe not, and I am completely naïve.

I have a call log of every txt and phone call between them from October to present. Do I send it to the Boss's wife with a description of the message I heard? On one hand it is extremely spiteful. On the other hand, as a spouse, I would want to know.

Nope. You don't get that luxury.

You just need to break it off with your girlfriend and walk away from the whole mess.

Besides--the wife isn't going to believe you anyway.

Leave it,chances are she either knows or will find out sooner rather than later-concentrate on moving on from the lies and the cheating.

Consider yourself lucky, a little bit anyway.

Lucky for finding out BEFORE the wedding.

A loving relationship is based on mutual trust.

The world is full of women who know how to be faithful. Go find one of those.

Stop wasting your time on this cheater. Let her "husband" have her.

Good luck to you.

Not sure what that's going to do. Just a waste of time now. More drama.

The trust is already gone. And probably been gone for a while.

Just NC, now.

Let her deal with her own life lessons.

I agree. Probably not good to get involved in someone else's failing marriage. Let it fall apart on its own and I don't want to be the cause. Even though it makes me furious at the thought his wife is in the dark like I was; everyday going out of our way to be faithful and doing things for our significant others - while they were doing whatever.

What bothers me the most is not having closure after 5 years of being faithful. And, the fact that she denies it and claims that nothing ever happened and the message didn't exist. I just want her to admit it. How about emailing her the log and simply asking her why? The last we spoke I never mentioned I found the proof that she called her voicemail. And, I believe she has no idea I was able to access the records for the past year. She will probably deny it again. But right now I think she's living her life thinking that I have no proof. It's juvenile, but maybe she'll at least suffer a portion of what I've gone through knowing that I know.

But best case scenario, maybe she'll admit it. And I'll be able to move on much easier. And not have doubts for the rest of my life.

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Originally Posted by BetrayedPA

Even though it makes me furious at the thought his wife is in the dark like I was

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His wife may be more aware of his probable infidelities than you can imagine. If she thinks she has a lot to lose in a divorce, she may be closing her eyes.

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But right now I think she's living her life thinking that I have no proof. It's juvenile, but maybe she'll at least suffer a portion of what I've gone through knowing that I know.

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She knows you know, but is floating down a river called Denial. Don't push for what you consider closure. She will always float along on that river. All you would be doing is trying to one-up her. Just walk away. That would be the best solution.

Dude, this IS your closure. May not seem that way.

Your peace of mind without someone you can't really trust. Im sure you don't want that anyway.

Karma has its way. Don't worry about her or the wife. Not your business anymore.

Just live well. And look out for the bad ones out there next time.

Its normal to want revenge, but that's futile.

What? Have her tell you that she lied & wanted this other guy the whole time, as you were her solid BF?

Or, I love you, & I will never do that again, I promise.

See my point?

My ex dumped me after 5 years for someone else. Over the phone.

I went NC. Immediately. Never faltered. Its really the only way.

If you have to put blame (which also doesn't serve a purpose) Blame yourself.

For not using your gut earlier. Or getting with her to begin with.

There's cool women out there. Just got to use your experiences & radar..

You'll be OK. Takes time & some personal soul searching.

Cheers.

You were all right. Before reading your responses, I sent her the log. And, said, look, I know the truth it's right here plain as day, you don't have to deny it. If you will just be honest with me, perhaps we can work it out no matter how bad it is. Her response, "Thanks, Stalker. Believe whatever you want. We're friends and we work together. It's a blessing things happened the way they did. I don't want to have anything to do with someone who makes crazy accusations and doesn't respect my privacy. Good riddance".

I guess it's exactly what I expected. Even when I heard the message. Had the proof he left it. And saw that she called and texted him multiple times at hours when no woman should be texting her married boss (2:45am, etc.) she turns it around to place the fault solely on me, continues to deny and cause doubt.

Makes me think I'm crazy. And might have actually believed it based on how defensive and adamant she is; if I hadn't heard the voicemail. The scary part is it is actually crossing my mind that maybe his message telling her "he missed her, etc."; was innocenet? No, that can't be. Why couldn't I have somehow gotten a copy of the message?! How could I have spent five years of my life with someone who could blatently lie. In all honesty, maybe she believes she didn't do anything wrong?

Hope you got your closure.

See? She got exactly what she wants. Him. Without guilt. (again)

Some people are just twisted. Don't let it screw with you anymore.

Time to move on.

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You're never going to get an honest answer out of her because she doesn't realise what she is. Worse thing is, she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong.

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Im quoting myself because I'm to lazy to retype it.

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Makes me think I'm crazy. And might have actually believed it based on how defensive and adamant she is; if I hadn't heard the voicemail. The scary part is it is actually crossing my mind that maybe his message telling her "he missed her, etc."; was innocenet? No, that can't be. Why couldn't I have somehow gotten a copy of the message?! How could I have spent five years of my life with someone who could blatently lie. In all honesty, maybe she believes she didn't do anything wrong?

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No you're making yourself chase your own tail trying to justify how you didn't see this trait in her earlier. The screwball will be when you start thinking if she's done this before and you start thinking back to if she texted at silly times and said it was a girlfriend she was replying too. What would you get from having a copy of the message? She's burnt her bridges you've heard the proof what would you want it for except to torture yourself with it. You could have the guy standing in front of her saying it and she'd blow it off and make you second guess your own beliefs.

Time to pick yourself up, dust it off, put it down to 'life experience' and move on. Just means you'll be that little bit wiser next time around.. and aware of what 'could' be going on.

Close the book now.

She is who she is and now she's no longer in your life.

You dodged a bullet.

In days to come you'll be thankful you did.

Well, I thought it would help. But it just made it worse. Based on her response that it was me who "is making crazy accusations" and being adamant that they are "just friends and coworkers". I feel guilty and to blame. All that I can seriously think about is what if the message was innocent? Or if the calls and texts were innocent and they WERE just friends? Or, if something happened in the past (i.e. when we were broken up) and he is still hung up on her.

I just don't understand. If it were me and I spent five years in a relationship constantly telling the person I wanted to marry them. And they were under the mistaken belief that I was having an affair. Even though I would be mad for them invading my privacy; I would do everything I could to make it right. Her response, is to call me "crazy" and still say no message ever existed. Claim that she calls and texts her "friends" late at night.

She then goes further to tell me "it's a blessing things happened the way they did" and SHE "refuses to be with someone who jumps to conclusions or makes accusations".

I mean, she did give me her t-mobile login? And, to be honest, I was with her or talking to her almost all the time; it would have been very difficult for her to see him. Unless, he would sneak over after she said she was going to bed. Or, during lunch at work. I mean the logistics would have been very difficult. Maybe she was innocent? But how can that be? I listened to the message three times, he called her "princess", said he "missed her" and "was going to keep his promise to her"... and it was at 1am!

And, I'm the one who is devistated, unable to sleep, just thinking about how I will never find anyone that I shared so much with. And just content to say "everything happens for a reason". It's what she said the time we broke up 2 years ago.

You are repeating yourself.

While I fully understand the frustration you feel, its time to leave her alone, so you can get your head together.

Its been stuck up her butt far to long so get some fresh air and look around at the rest of the world.

Nice rants though.

Stop going round in circles-make the choice to put it behind you.

The option is to swim around in this c**p for a long time-now that sounds like a waste of time,don't you think?

I just received an email from her. Essentially it said this: you were right, I lied to you. My boss did leave me the message. He was really drunk and didn't remember what he said. I didn't tell you the truth because I was worried how you would take it. He and I became "very close" when you and I broke up. I cut some ties with him when we got back together, but we still kept in touch. Yes, the voicemail sounded affectionate, but we have a very affectionate relationship. However, we are just friends. He is the type of person that is very touchy, feely, etc. Whether you like it, I will continue to be friends with men in my life. It is your preogative but I cannot promise you that I will not maintain a relationship with him. As we are friends and work together. But I can promise you that it is an innocent relationship.

Ha!

You will never be able to trust her.
She can't have her cake & eat it too. Doesn't work that way.

You don't need this. Go NC now. She's made her bed.
Too late.