Hi there I really need some advice as I feel like I am going crazy! My partner walked out 3 weeks ago after 12 years together we have a 8 yr old son together.
We had been having arguments for a couple of weeks and it all came to a head 3 weeks ago after a massive row he said I just don't know if I love you anymore I don't think I am in love with you we are like best friends? And he left.
Trouble is he comes nearlly every day to see his son I get upset we end up rowing it's such a mess. He seems to think we can carry on as friends and all will be OK! When I question him about the future he says I don't know how I will feel in a few months etc... he is dossing at peoples houses but says he is looking for a flat or room to rent he calls every day or texts and has been questioning our son about me if I get upset etc... I am so confused and in need of help so if anyone has any advice it would be greatly received x

You have a tough situation. You just can't have no contact. But, you might think about setting up visitations with him so you can drop off your son in a public place. You won't have a chance to talk or fight. Just do a civil exchange. You need to be able to distant yourself and he needs to distance himself so he can do some soul searching. Remember you need to stay tough for yourself and your son.

Thank you and I know it's hard because he comes and goes all the time most of the time we get on fine but I get upset when it's time for him to leave again. Most of his stuff is still here I do his washing etc... (I must be mad) I just don't want to fall out with him altogether as I still care so much but I think the situation is not healthy for nobody x

You stop doing his washing and you have minimum contact when he comes to pick up your son.

You also need to work out some kind of timetable as regards his visits with your boy,as well as sorting out the financial support I assume he's willing to pay for his son.

I'm sorry for your situation,and I wish you all the best.

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We had been having arguments for a couple of weeks and it all came to a head 3 weeks ago after a massive row he said I just don't know if I love you anymore I don't think I am in love with you we are like best friends?

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What the heck could you be arguing about that started this downward spiral?

We recently moved to a smaller property which did not help and our son has sleeping issues that my ex feels I have been putting off to over come he feels like we have grown apart as we had no us time and when he walks in the door from work etc... I am walking out or going to bed. Which is true but feel like this is something we should have worked at together .

Of course it is and when someone solves a problem by l e a v I n g that's a big red flag that the relationship is lacking most things-clear communications,respect and a mutual wish to work together for a constructive solution to problems.

You can't change who he is but you can change how you handle the situation by moving forward and sorting out your life.

I asked him yesterday if he sees any future for us? Stupid I know but he comes round even if our son is out playing makes a cuppa sits down watches telly etc... acting as if normal! His reply at this moment in time no I don't see no future but I don't know how I will feel in a few months? I feel his playing mind games .

Look,how much longer are you going to wait around in limbo,and wait on him hand and foot when it suits him?

Find your backbone and tell him that he either work s with you on sorting things out-or show him the door!

There is no in betwixt and in between!

Sorry, but I can't blame him for what he is doing since its you that allow it. Doesn't matter the reasons you do, what matters is why you have done nothing to stop it.

Threads merged



So I posted before how my partner of 12 years left me and our 9 year old son saying he was not in love with me anymore. Well it's been nearlly 2 months and I thought things were going OK he was coming round most days even when our son was not here having dinner taking dog out for walks together getting on really well.But suddenly out of the blue his gone cold saying he does not know how to act around me feels maybe he is giving wrong impression but how he don't want to loose me I am his best friend etc... I don't know what to do for the best do I have no contact apart from access to our son or do I keep fighting for this to work? The way I see it is at the moment I am still at his beck and call doing his washing etc... I don't want to loose him as he is my best friend but life can't carry on like this . Any advice would be greatly received.

It seems as though his intentions may no longer be what you want them to be. It sounds like he no longer loves you the way he used to, but still cares for you as a friend. It would seem to be a difficult situation on your end because even though his feelings for you have changed, you still have strong feelings for him. In my opinion you should go No Contact, with situations involving your son being an exception. If you and your ex were going to ever be able to spend time with each other as friends, then you have to find a way to get over your feelings for him as your significant other. Until you are able to do that, it will always be awkward when the two of you are together.

You need time to heal.

Thank you and yes you are right it just seems like he does not understand that and if I say I don't think it's good you coming here all the time etc... he goes off on one argues with me and becomes horrible and nasty! I end up apologising for what? I suppose I just got to deal with it and be strong enough to tell him it has to stop.

This is where you have to sit down with yourself and make a choice. You practically have two, you can either not contact him unless it is regarding your kid and give yourself time to heal as much as possible, or you can try counseling maybe or at least talk to him to see if he is completely done with the relationship or if he is willing to try to make it work one last time. Decide if living with him being a part of your life is something you want because obviously something is wrong, are you going to be able to fix that if you two get back together? Or would it be better to just cut ties off, start healing, and then maybe meet someone who you are more compatible with in the future?

Good Luck,
Javi

I tried the whole counseling route and he said he does not need that just wants some space and time on his own his not writing off the future his just not sure what he wants and don't want to give me faulse hope his told me to get on with my life and let him sort his head out ? Which is fine but how is being around me all the time solving that? We are going away at the end of the month for a long weekend with our son and my family that his adamant he wants to still come .

So go to that as a last favor, and then cut away from him at the end, if he does not "need" that then that means that he is not willing to try, so why should you?

The relationship has changed, and you both must change and make adjustments also.

For one, the rules need to be clear by you to him, because

Its not okay for him to just drop by whenever he wants

Its not okay for him to command YOUR time

Its not okay for YOU to still do for him as you did before

You must be clear when you lay out new boundaries for yourself, that works for you, and not just him. When you allow him to do as he pleases, he WILL. He is no longer a partner for life, just a friend, so treat him as such, and don't allow him more than he deserves.

That includes YOUR time with your son, and family. Tell him NO! And mean it. Don't be the cow that gives the milk away free, if you do, of course he will take it!

Threads merged

I need help I have posted on here before how my partner of 12 years and I separated it's been 2 months now we are still very close as we have a 8 yr old son together and have a very close family on both sides. He comes over most day's and calls and texts his moods are up and down and we have not really discussed anything to do with us as he is not the easiest of people when it comes to emotions. We had been growing apart and he left saying he didn't feel he was in love with me anymore but he loves me and does not know if it's more of a friendship and needed time to think about that and who knows 6 months down the line he might feel different. Trouble is at the weekend we are going away together to a family function that had been planned prior and his adamant he still wants to come. Do I take this oppurtunity as we are going to a place where we used to love to go as a couple , to try to speak to him and see how his feeling etc... or do I just carry on as I am and see if he opens up to me? He is a complex creature lol that is not good with these conversations so I am worried I might push him further away? Any advice would be great thanks .

I suggest you finally put your foot down and stop letting this guy do whatever the heck he wants!

If you do not want him to go to this family function then say "NO". Why sit around in limbo waiting for him? He has said he doesn't love you. Accept it!

Go back to your previous post and re read all the answers you were given!

Because he is the father to my son has been my partner for 12 years and my best friend for ever our families are one so it's a very difficult situation .

He has chosen not to be a partner, or a best friend, and to make decisions that are right for you, then you must accept that, and treat this as a break up, because it is.

You are in transition, and he no longer can be adamant about being included in anything you do, because you are no longer a family, and acting like one won't change that fact!

My gosh, stand up for yourself, and stop all this hoping he comes to his senses and comes home and things can be like they were. You are only fooling yourself, and can only hurt yourself even more.

He's stringing you along,feeding you the odd morsel of false hope-don't accept this any longer.

Re-read the advice from your previous posts-the advice's not changing.

So after 12 years together and being split up for 3 months I have just found out he is seeing a 19 yr old girl he is 34 he didn't tell me about this she sent me messages via face book of conversations between the 2 of them? I confronted him and he admitted well had to admit he said he didn't tell me as he did not want to hurt me we are best friends as well as ex lovers and she has a problem with his relationship with me and our son! She has denied the messages which I printed off to show him so it's all there in black and white he assures me that no one will come between us we have a connection and that's that. But how is this going to work he comes here for dinner once a week comes over most eve's and spends at least 1 day at the weekends with us.if I talk about meeting new people he freaks out? What shall I do .

Well the fact that she sent you a copy of the message between them shows her age and immaturity. Really how long do you think it will last? Which fully explains why she has a problem with you and him having a relationship. You will always be connected having a child together. If she were mature enough she would realize that. But then she turns around and lies about sending you the message. Really I wouldn't waste your time on worrying over her. She won't be around long.

As far as him being with her after your split I guess that's his choice. Doesn't matter if it was one month or the three you say it has been. Your split. He is free to do as he pleases really. Just as you are. If he has issues when you mention moving on that is his problem not yours. Your no longer together. Your connected because you share a child. Not because your in a relationship.

Now I am wondering why is he spending so much time with you and what are the things he is telling you? Is he leading you to think you will be a couple again? Is he giving you false hope? If that's the case you need to change the relationship. He chose to move on. Let him spend time with his child and only them. Stay away and take time to heal and you move on as he did. Let him freak out if you find another love. Its not his business. He clearly didn't care when he started dating a 19 year old. Stand your ground and be happy. With out that drama.

He is a ex, and you are acting like he is your current.

If he is a ex, you don't care who he dates, you and he are free to date anyone you want to.

Next he needs to set up visitation times for the child, not visits with you.

The relationship has changed, and you both must change and make adjustments also.

For one, the rules need to be clear by you to him, because

Its not okay for him to just drop by whenever he wants

Its not okay for him to command YOUR time

Its not okay for YOU to still do for him as you did before

You must be clear when you lay out new boundaries for yourself, that works for you, and not just him. When you allow him to do as he pleases, he WILL. He is no longer a partner for life, just a friend, so treat him as such, and don't allow him more than he deserves.*



*Copied, and pasted from post 17, after this new thread, about the same thing, was merged with the old one.

No need to start new threads when its about the same relationship.