Entire story merged

Me and my girlfriend of 2 years recently had a break during my last semester of college. She had graduated previously and felt I was missing out on my last semester of having fun and didn't want to have to worry about me while I was at school.

Long story short we hurt each other during this time and are now trying to get back what we had. I figured once the semester was over and school was done we could be back together again and things would correct themselves without the added worries of college. But we currently live a good distance apart and it has made things tough considering she works weekends and I have a full time job during the weekdays.

Her trust in me has damaged and we are currently not together so she can get her life on track. She currently lives at home and is relied on heavily by her family, which puts a lot of stress on her, which I understand.

She told me she wants me as the father of her children, wants to live with me, and wants me in her future but needs to remember why it is she fell in love with me and to build back the trust we once shared.

So I ask if she is genuine or does it seem more like an easy let down so as not to hurt my feelings. She knows I want to be with her for the rest of my life but that isn't enough right now. It is tough to make my actions match my words when we can't see each other much.

Any other questions just ask and I can tell... sry for the wall of text.

"She told me she wants me as the father of her children, wants to live with me, and wants me in her future" but after all that and your time together, she still "needs to remember why it is she fell in love with me and to build back the trust we once shared"??

Why can't she remember?

How does she plan to "build back the trust"? (Isn't that YOUR department, if you are the one who broke the trust?)

I see this as her cowardly cop out or "easy let down," as you phrased it.

By the way, your post was wonderfully readable.

Hi guy, reality has you in a pinch, but while she is figuring things out, work on your behalf for your own happiness. Give her plenty of space.

Comment on Wondergirl's post

Well I am the one that has to build the trust back. The problem has been that up until recently my words haven't matched up with my actions. For instance I have communicated that I love her and want to be with her, but on the few occasions I get to spend time with her she will notice that I have messages from other girls in my phone for instance. Not necessarily bad messages or anything but things that don't reflect what I am telling her in a sense.

Basically she feels that if I really wanted to be with her I wouldn't be getting numbers from women that I may meet while visiting college friends , etc. Which I understand and makes sense to me, so I am correcting that because I want to and want to show her it matters.

I feel I only do stuff like that to fill the void she has left, but I want to make that change if that is what it takes.

And thank you for enjoying reading my essay :)

Comment on talaniman's post

Thanks for the advice. I know I should give her space... its just hard, which I know your are aware of. Is it best to cut all communication for some time, or to still keep some in moderation?

Comment on Wondergirl's post

Well I am the one that has to build the trust back.
What five things will you do to accomplish that?

The problem has been that up until recently my words haven't matched up with my actions.
1) I love her and want to be with her, but
2) I have messages from other girls in my phone.

1) she feels that if I really wanted to be with her I wouldn't be getting numbers from women, but 2) they are college friends.

Which I understand and makes sense to me, so I am correcting that
How are you correcting that? And ask yourself this. Is your girlfriend really being fair to you? Why can't you have female friends and be able to communicate with them?

I feel I only do stuff like that to fill the void she has left
Really? Or maybe there's another reason?

And thank you for enjoying reading my essay :)
You're welcome. I look forward to reading more.

1.) Given that she wants some space, so I won't be seeing her in person much, the only thing I can really think of to build trust is to just be honest with her when I talk to her. Make sure to let her know what I have been doing if she asks and maybe explain any thing that may instill doubts in greater detail.

2.) Stuff like the girls I agree with because while they may be women I have just met but have no intention of engaging in any activities with, there is no way for my GF to know this for sure, and because our trust isn't the best now, eliminating these issues is the best so she doesn't have any doubts.

3.) At a different juncture I would think that is isn't fair to me. But right now given that I am trying to gain her trust back, talking with women that she doesn't know, even if they are just friends, will only make things worse until our trust is re-established.

4.) You are right... I could be doing this for another reason, and I have myself also thought this a possibility, but honestly beyond a mere physical attraction to any of these women, there is no person I feel could give the satisfaction that my GF could now.

Sorry guy but this does not smell right at all. She doesn't get to pick and chose when she trusts you. If she doesn't because of some girls phone numbers after you have said HONESTLY they are just school friends then the trust is her issue, not yours.

When you tell the truth you don't have to prove a darn thing, and if she rather exile you, and instead of believe you then screw her. I assume you have given her no other reason to distrust you, so stop acting guilty about it, and tell her straight up, if she wants YOUR babies, she better learn how to talk about things, and not play the silly games she is playing.

Not to sound harsh, but trust cuts both ways, and if she needs space to resolve her issues then give her all she wants and when she figures it out she will call. That's what you do, because couple define the rules and boundaries of good behavior together, or they do it apart for themselves and not each other.

Give this a week and see what happens.

I agree with Talaniman (though it's hard for me to swallow tough love sometimes, haha).

Unless you're missing an important detail about how you betrayed her trust (which I would doubt because you're a good, thoughtful writer), I think she's being unreasonable and you're letting her and feeling guilty. I personally wouldn't accept my boyfriend being jealous of my male friends-UNLESS there's something to be jealous about.

This doesn't mean that you need to say goodbye to this girl-but I would second Talaniman's advice and give HER space while spending time doing what YOU feel good about. And I hope you come to the conclusion that, if she decides she wants to trust you again, you have your own boundaries as to who you are friends with and your own freedoms.

Good luck and hope this helps.

Thank you all for the input, it helps a great deal.

To Talaniman and southamerica:

The only thing I can think of is that during our break while I was at school I lied about some girls that I had hung out with... didn't have sex with but enough that it wasn't just talking, on a few separate occasions. Granted she had a few encounters that she also was slow to tell me about and I had to pull for.

We both accept that we hurt each other and I had thought were able to move past that. Given her trust issues that I knew she had before we were together, with sketchy family members and ex boyfriends and what not (I know who doesn't have those), I think the fact is that those couple encounters that I failed to tell her honestly about make her question these encounters that recently happened this past weekend when she decided to do this break.

In her eyes they have similar characteristics to what happened a few months ago and it is still hard for her to believe nothing happened (which is the truth). It may not be fair to me but it is just the way it is going to be.

It took until about today but I am finally out of the funk I have been in from this decision and feeling better about the situation. I want to be with her but I told her that I am fine and am going to do me and improve be behaviors for myself and not her and if she comes around I will be there and if not fine. So as Talaniman stated all there really is for me to do is give it time, match my words to my actions, and if she comes around she does and if not oh well, as much as that hurts to say.

Thanks for the input... if things change Ill let you all know, its been a big help. :)

If all else fails, you can always become a famous author.

They say waiting is the hardest part.

Don't put your life on hold. For anyone.

There's a big, beautiful world out there. Enjoy your freedom.

Haha thank you. Didn't really think my writing was that good. Guess I should reconsider.

Just a little update to the saga. Talked with my ex's brother the other day... after he wished me a happy birthday. Mentioned our whole drama and asked how things were going with her. He didn't know what her deal was but he did tell me this when I asked him about the whole situation:

"She is just busy with work and my mom up her ***. She will come around she told me you are the one, ****s crazy right now but don't tell her I said that."

So I guess that is reassuring to hear from someone other than her. Still doesn't make me feel any less helpful in the situation. Any thoughts...

Just continue on continuing on. Take care of yourself and find happiness in all the little things around you.

You have a good head on your shoulders, and a good sense of yourself. I admire you.

Thank you. I am trying, partied with my cousins all weekend at camp, but even then I still couldn't get her out of my head.

Oh, she'll still be in your head when you're 65. Trust me. Forty-plus years later, I can remember the full names of my serious bfs and can still feel their kisses on my pouty little lips.

When you're 65, I just hope she isn't taking up as much real estate as she is now.

As wondergirl states, just keep on keeping on. You seem to be doing a very good job.

Don't expect anything else from your ex. She needs to deal with her own drama and in the meantime you should enjoy life. If she ever comes around and wants to talk about getting back together, just be honest about what your expectations/boundaries are.

Never really thought about it along those lines. Do the "what ifs" ever pop up for you?

Comment on Wondergirl's post
Never really thought about it along those lines. Do the "what ifs" ever pop up for you?

Yup, they do. One guy ended up in rural Vermont, and that would have killed me. Another lives on a beautiful dairy farm with a lovely creek running through it -- had I married him, I could have had horses and all the dogs and cats I could have ever wanted. Another married a classmate, had several children, and recently "came out of the closet."

I could write a book.

@ southamerica - Thank you that makes perfect sense and I am trying to get to that point. The rough part is during the week since I work as a Graphic Designer so I am always at the computer and have plenty of thinking time/time to look on the web at profiles and such. I am thinking of removing her number from my phone and deleting her on Facebook just to try and speed up the process. And if she comes back during that time then so be it.

@ Wondergirl - That is a diverse range of results, definitely book worthy in my opinion :) . I guess it is new for me considering she is the first girlfriend I have really been serious with. Had a few others but have never had what ifs with them considering I new that we were not good for each other. She is different and as much as I would prefer to not have to find someone else, it may be out of my control.

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Originally Posted by dwidrick

I am thinking of removing her number from my phone and deleting her on facebook just to try and speed up the process.

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Stop thinking about it and just do it! (as per Nike)

Will you do the artwork for my book? :D

Just did it :)
And I would love to do your book artwork!

I wrote a children's book (Hurple the Purple Yurple) and need artwork for that. And my book about my childhood imaginary friend AngelWolf needs artwork too. Can you draw a big wolf wearing an angel's robe and halo and wearing glasses and sitting with knees to chin at a little girl's tea table? Do you do ink drawings or charcoal sketches or Impressionistic-type oils?

Well I do more digital stuff now, but my background is fine art. I mainly did and do graphite renderings and some ink. Never did oil drawings. I could give it a shot, been a little while since I have done just traditional drawing. But either way it would be something to do to keep me busy right :)

All the Yurples are yellow, but Hurple was born purple. I had envisioned the illustrations being simple ink line drawings with the Yurples and Hurple (the odd man out) being thumbprints in purple and yellow. Is there such a thing as a yellow (or purple) ink pad? Otherwise, what medium could I use for thumbprints?

There definitely have to be purple and yellow ink pads. What kind of ink they would be I have no idea, but at the very least you could make them the same color, scan them into a computer and change their colors using photoshop. Something I have done on occasion.

Another question I have... Currently I am still pretty up and down on a daily basis emotionally with this whole situation. I know some of you have mentioned avoiding contact with her but I honestly feel better when I get to talk to her when I am feeling like crap. So what I would like to know is if it can be healthy to still communicate with her. Obviously I will try my best not to talk about us and our current situation to avoid causing any unrest, but more just small talk like how her day went and what not.

I asked her what she thought of the idea of getting a place together once I am done coaching baseball this spring, simply the idea of it with financial and job related issues aside. She said yes she would want to live with me, when she is ready emotionally and financially.

I know this isn't necessarily the best route to take, but hearing things like that kind of take the pressure off a little and make it easier to go on with the mindset that if things are meant to be they will workout in the end, and if not they don't. And obviously this could just set me up for a bigger crash in the future, but for now I am willing to have the mindset that if it is meant to be it will work out one way or another because I really do think she is worth that risk at this point.

When will she be ready emotionally and financially?

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Originally Posted by dwidrick

I will try my best not to talk about us and our current situation to avoid causing any unrest, but more just small talk like how her day went and what not.

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Hmmmm, but then you said:

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I asked her what she thought of the idea of getting a place together once I am done coaching baseball this spring

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How is that "not talking about us"?

That is the million dollar question. Financially revolves around her getting a full time job, which she is trying to find currently. Emotions on the other hand your guess is as good as mine. Women's emotions have never been something I'm good at understanding.

Yes your right that was about us. I was implying that from this point if I keep communication open I am going to avoid those kind of things to my best ability. Sorry for the confusion.

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Originally Posted by dwidrick

Yes ur right that was about us. I was implying that from this point if I keep communication open I am going to avoid those kind of things to my best ability. Sorry for the confusion.

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And you'll be able to block thoughts of the future from coming into your head? You'll be able to think of her as just another female friend? You won't hang onto her every word and later search through conversations, hoping to find a glimmer of connection and her missing you and a white picket fence surrounding a cute little cottage?

I know it isn't the most logical reasoning but for some reason having normal communication with her from time makes it a little less stressful and in a sense easier for me to move forward in an optimistic fashion. I guess you could think of it as slowly weening myself off trying to get back with her.

Now this could change in a week and I may not be able to handle it. I'm kind of just rolling with what works right now.

Again I understand that this logic may not make sense, which will become evident to me pretty easily if it does not work.

Weaning doesn't work well. I will watch your progress (or descent).

I have an idea.

Try kicking back, like you could care less, one way or another.

Happy-go-lucky style.

Try that for a while.

I have been trying to kick back and act like I don't care for a week and it has been hard. Lucky for me coaching starts this week so it may become easier to kick back and stay busy.

And yes weaning probably will ultimately fail. Just trying to get to that level where I can stop myself from wanting to talk with her.

And honestly just discussing this stuff with you guys helps a lot. So thanks for the input and ideas.

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Originally Posted by dwidrick

And honestly just discussing this stuff with you guys helps alot. So thanks for the input and ideas.

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I'm glad we are able to help a lot. Please feel free to vent.

This blog helps me remember that "a lot" is two words --

Hyperbole and a Half: The Alot is Better Than You at Everything

Haha yea I always forget that one

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Originally Posted by dwidrick

Haha yea I always forget that one

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Be sure to read that blog page about an A lot. It's very cute.

You are an awesome writer. I want you to be perfect.

Thank you. I appreciate the compliment.

Perhaps I should take up writing as a hobby haha

An advice book for guys who've been told that their girlfriends need a "break"?