My boyfriend and babies father has been masturbating for almost a year now almost daily! We use to have sex every single day then I noticed slowly it started to decline to every few days to then a week now whenever it's convenient! I didn't say anything for a few months then I just was so pissed about it I had to speak up he says I'm so sorry I didn't no it won't happen again and bought me flowers then a few weeks go by he's doing it again I confront he says it's not a big deal blah blah posses me of we have been going round and round about this for nearly 8 months now can anyone help? And also I would like to add we have a beautiful relationship together except for this!

Do you understand why he does it?

No not at all, can uhelp

You never asked him?

I could give you some ideas why, but put on your thinking cap. Let's make a list of whys.

If he can not stop, he has an addiction to either or both.

But also in reality, normally real life does not give time or ability to have sex for a couple every day. Esp with work and household duties and with a baby also

It would not be an issue, unless you are asking for and wanting more sex and he is not doing it.

So that is the next question what does he say when you ask for sex

I think he's bored with me he says no and tells me how much I turn him on but I'm not buying it at this point

Ya I ask him he's tired or busy but we send each other pics at work and he says he can't wait to get home but when he gets home nothing ever happens

It's so much faster and easier to masturbate than to plan a time to have sex with someone you love.

And you don't have to please anyone but yourself, so it doesn't take any real thinking or effort.

Well you I get that but isn't that a little selfish

He's hungry, so it's like grabbing two slices of white bread and slapping a couple of slices of bologna between them and scarfing it down than spending time to make a turkey dinner.

How can you entice him to make the turkey dinner instead of woofing down a bologna sandwich?

Uh no are u kidding do u not understand it's affecting our nice great relationship to now we are just best friends I miss having a lover in my life I like to be held and cuddled feel like we are connected on all levels and nothing in the world can phase us it feels like somebody died or something

I understand completely. He's satisfied with the bologna sandwich. You are the turkey dinner.

First, have you told him how much you miss him?

I don't know in my opinion it's there or it isn't there us no possible wAy he could be that tired all the Time I mean I work 50 hrs a week pick up and drop off feed and bath the baby was everything cook last one to bed I'm exhausted to the max and I'm still not that wore out sure you could grab a vibrator and be done in minutes but I crave the real stuff why doesn't he we just aren't the same and I can't understand it, I'd take him over a vibrator or anything else for that natter anyway why doesn't he

Is this how you talk to him when he gets home from work or when you are thinking about sex?

What's that suppose to mean

Are you on his case the minute in walks in the door?

What do you do to be more of an attraction than porn is?

Does he have a job?

Can you just do the basics that are needed and let the rest go in order to spend time with him? He may see you so busy with the housework when you get home that he figures you have no time for him.

Have you ever made a date with him? (Once-a-day sex disappears for everyone once they are comfortable in a relationship -- the "honeymoon" is over -- so the couple has to make a special effort to get together.)

How do you know he masturbates over sex on the net?

Have you ever discussed why he masturbates to porn over the net?

Have you actually seen him do it?

Does he take drugs, or drink with the boys after work?

How old is your baby?

How long have you been together?

How long did you date before you moved in?

I ask directly because you never answered in or supplied the info to get to the why of it.

No I'm not on his case hardly ever.
No he's not on drugs
No he doesn't drink with the boys, maybe we drink together on sat nights at home one or three after babies in bed.
We moved in together right away in the beginning we just couldn't b apart
Yes I work
The bAby is 7 months
I know about it because it's in the history and it was no secret when I had the baby I didn't care then obviously we couldn't have sex only oral for him
Yes we've talked about it many times it goes no where

Yes we go on dinner dates about once a week with the baby though
Yes he works we both do

I really don't think this has anything to do with sex at all. Or porn.

But the adjustments that have to be made after the life changing events that have occurred in the last year, or so. Its also the cooling off period, where lust has faded, and love has to grow, as reality sets in, and that's something you can't force because as long as you only see things from your point of view, you will never understand his.

That's the challenge you face now, healing from the trauma you both have gone through, and dealing with what you have now, not the way its was with the intense feelings that sustained you both before. Life without that lustful intensity, only the reality of reconnecting and building together.

Now you can blame the porn, or wonder what has happened to his drive, but it seems this whole relationship has been built around the lust, and dealing with the results of that lust, and that's a big thing you cannot ignore, because things have changed and its no longer reasonable to expect them to go back to what it was. You have changed too mom, as now you have to see there are other things besides jumping your bones that's on your mans mind, and you have to find out what it is.

Stop and think, as he has gone from care free single guy, full of piss and vinegar to guy with a family, and the very real possibility of it growing even bigger. That's a sex killer for most men, and he needs the time to adjust and heal as you do.

You both have to readjust your thinking, reconnect the communications and learn the changes you both have been through, and have to make after the new intense lust/love is gone.

Lets be very clear, the lack of sex is but a symptom of another issue in another area of this relationship that needs addressing, and if you don't look deeper, and talk it thru, chances are you will never find out what it is, or a way to solve it for the benefit of you both.

That requires time, patiences, and some very honest two way talking and listening, because clearly you are not understanding the stresses this wonderful relationship is under.

You know when you are communicating well, when you get answers that you understand. That's not happening, so find out why.

Last question, how old are you both? Why am I still asking questions that have nothing to do with why a guy masturbates to Internet porn? Because your answers are very vague, and yield little information, and I am not sure that's your real problem. Fact is, I know its not. Even though you take its so personally that its easy to blame porn on the lack of sex, and ignore any other possibility.

When you make any issue ALL about you, you are in danger of missing the truth of the matter. I don't even know him, or his ways but, I do know he loves you, and is overwhelmed right now, and needs some time to make his own adjustments, because this whole thing caught him with his pants down, literally.

That's obvious because all us guys go through that, when we make babies. That's just reality, especially after the first one, up close and personal.

Well thank u for that it, you have some very valid points, I'm 22 and he is 29 big age gap there I know but it works somehow we both weren't ready to grow up until the last 2 years or so, so it's as if we are growing together with all new feelings and values in life! I do agree with your post, is there a way that I would be able to not take it so personally, it really just breaks me when I see this. I feel like I crumble inside

Sure just give him time, and space to deal with his issues as we all have them, and you do have a lifetime to work on things. I'm sure with a new baby you have a lot to deal with, and I think you will find, as you learn each others ways, you will recognize his cycles of behavior, and adjust to it as he adjusts better to yours. It may take years and you will have to enjoy the good, and deal with the bad. The good news is you don't have to fix things, or make them better today, this week, or even this year, like I said, just enjoy the good, and be honest with each other, and compromise while you are being good to each other.

You get a chance to explain and train each other, and that's something to talk about, and not argue, EXPLORE what you want in ways that works for you both, and be considerate when you can't get your way.

As far as sex goes, learn the many ways of lust through each others minds. And relax, its easier to pay attention that way. Experiment on him, I don't know maybe he is a morning person. Then you can get in his mind, and understand his man language better. HINT: A females emotions can overwhelm a guy, so don't trip over his lack of focus. New babies can make us pretty unappreciated cause they get attention that freakin' use to be ours after all, I mean we love 'em, but dang, do I have to cry to get my belly ticlked??

Finally, a babysitter is worth their weight in GOLD, especially eager grandparents, whom I hope you get along with. You're a new mom, and your hormones probably still have you wrapped up in yourself. That will change as you heal.

Yeah I saved that gem, for last, on purpose.

Blonde - the things you describe about your boyfriend suggest to me that he is unable to manage his problem with porn. If after confronting him about the issue he is still using it and is masturbating to it while you sex life has diminished, he is out of control with his behavior.

He probably wants to stop but doesn't know how to. He has probably acted on his impulse to view porn even knowing that it hurts you. That is quintessential unmanageability and a sign that he has a problem that he cannot control. Additionally, the fact that you have confronted him about it and he tries to minimize the problem by saying it's not a big deal tells me he's in denial regarding the problem. If it's a problem for you, it's a big deal... period. He needs to take you seriously.

Lastly, I would recommend a book to you called Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. You can find it at Barnes & Noble. It might help if you read it first to see if the things described in the book characterize your boyfriend. You may even purchase it and encourage him to read it for himself.

The important thing to realize here is that while relationships are difficult and both parties can contribute to problems in the relationship, this kind of an issue really has nothing to do with you. Odds are that he has brought this problem into the relationship and has used porn as coping mechanism for more deep-seeded problems and pain. It's important to know that you are not the source of this problem.

I hope this helps.

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Originally Posted by jakester

this kind of an issue really has nothing to do with you. Odds are that he has brought this problem into the relationship and has used porn as coping mechanism for more deep-seeded problems and pain. It's important to know that you are not the source of this problem.

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I usually agree with you, but not this time.

Like Tal, I see this as very much a relationship problem. If he has "deep-seated problems and pain," where are they coming from? I'm guessing not from his childhood but from his feeling neglected in his marriage, among other things.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I usually agree with you, but not this time.

Like Tal, I see this as very much a relationship problem. If he has "deep-seated problems and pain," where are they coming from? I'm guessing not from his childhood but from his feeling neglected in his marriage, among other things.

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Wondergirl - I hear what you are saying. The reason I know this issue so well is because I have personally experienced it. I have been a part of group therapy and individual therapy. It is a relational problem but neither you nor I have been given a significant body of information about this man's life to know the extent of what his problems are.

But I'm not here to talk about myself. You don't want to close the door on all of the possible resolutions to what her situation is and dismiss my advice out of hand. I know what my issue has been and what has worked and she may find help with what I suggested or maybe not... but she can make the determination to take the advice or not.

I appreciate your comments although I do humbly disagree.

Other than the title, there is no evidence he even has time to be a porn addict, or does it everyday. I did the math, 9 months of being pregnant, and a year together is still two strangers with a new baby with an awful lot of growing together to do. The dust has yet to settle. Just saying.

Ok guys we were together for about 2 years, then pregnant, also he had to move in a few years before to take care if his parents one with copd, and cancer, and the other lost his leg due to poor circulation, and heart attack.

Well three months before the baby his father died, which he found that morning went in to wake him up, and noticed he was cold stiff, and blue, suffered a massive heart attack in his sleep.

Then the baby was born. Then three months after that his mother died. The illness finally caught up to her. She had been on a hospital bed in our living room for years at this point, so we found her as well, even though she was still alive she was blurry, and gasping for air. We had a nurse with her that night, but she never woke us up she waited till I woke up about 5 am to feed baby, and then simply said I think we need to call ambulance, but it was to late, she passed on the way to the hospital.

I do blame a lot of this for his reason for doing so except, he started before all this about 6 months prior which eventually became a routine for him come home from work watch porn in the bathroom, jack off, take a shower like clock work every day. Well I let it go cause the baby thing, then by the time I was ready to speak up his dad passed, so it kept getting put off.

He said himself he's always done it, so I don't think these things are the cause but definitely made it worse.

Wow!!

We do understand. All we are saying is that you have to try to get him to make the turkey dinner (love to you) rather than the bologna (masturbation). Can you find a way?

Perhaps with a baby around, he may feel like there is so much to do at home. Are you constantly asking for him to make love to you and complaining to the point he feels it is an obligation? Maybe give him some time to come to you for some love making. Let him miss it and don't send the pictures so that he can want the real thing at home. Just my piece of advice.

I can almost guarantee that this routine will change in time, once he has reconciled his own losses, as the baby grows, and there is more interaction, and once the two of you have less conflicts in your schedules.

From what you have written there is a lot of isolation between you due to both your daily routines, and his porn habits are more stress relief, than pulling away from you.

For sure, this is a time of emotional dust settling for you both, and that may take a few years to find that which you both are comfortable with. Talk of both your schedules, and chores that keep you on different levels, TALK, not argue, and don't force change, work for it, it's a big difference.

The goal is not more sex, but better quality time, as a family, and as a couple. This was why I tried to point out the need for patience, and seeing things not through the filter, of your own needs,or feelings but consider how the reality in which you live, calls, no screams for some adjustments by you both. I don't think that you can make him change, but you can change yourself, so he understands that he must adjust also, but unless you work together to build that life together, there will be more conflict, not less, and there is no need for a heavy hand that will frustrate you both.

How partners handle these transitions from one situation to another is what bonds them, or tears them apart, and you both are at the point of this relationship, where there is less coasting, and more defining yourselves to each other, so you work together. That's your key, re establishing those close communications to understand each other better.

I think you will get through this, as long as you remember its two of you, not one, and while he needs time, so do you. Change does not happen overnight, but as long as you both keep talking, and listening to each other, you will keep moving forward. Bet it wouldn't take much gentle exploring to understand why he does what he does, or be reminded he has a wife who needs to be included as a part of that routine.

If you see this as the temporary glitch that it is, you won't take it so personally. Things will change for the better, just hang in there, and talk and listen, and be good to each other.

Thank u t man O so much you have shed a light on my spiraling out of control situation! I can't get over the hurt that I feel but this has definitely give me hope thank u

HOPE is what keeps me and the wife together, for the last 35 years. Knowing we will deal with whatever life throws at us, together, and we have had MANY obstacles to overcome. And probably many MORE to come.

Im willing to work through ANYthing the world throws at us I just can't be the only one I need him to do the same I'm sure we will b fine I just wish I could forget the hurt it causes me

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Originally Posted by Blondebarber

I just wish I could forget the hurt it causes me

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Don't dwell on it or continue to bring it up to him. Use the pain of that hurt to spur you on to putting your analyzing cap on and finding solutions for the relationship problems you two have. How about both of you going to a couples counselor for a few sessions?

We are here for you too, by the way.

That's out of the question for him:(

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Originally Posted by Blondebarber

That's out of the question for him:(

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Why?

The best way to cope with hurt feelings, is being good to yourself.

This is a true story, I started paying attention when my wife used retail therapy to make herself happy. SHE SPARED NO EXPENSE FOR HERSELF!!

When I balked, she told me if I can't make her happy, then she will make herself happy. When the queen is happy the whole castle is happy, when its not... I would rather be fishing!!

Not exactly sure just not something he wants to do or thinks it's that impirtant

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Originally Posted by Blondebarber

Not exactly sure just not something he wants to do or thinks it's that impirtant

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Then YOU find a therapist/counselor and go by yourself. Eventually, he will be invited to a session.

Thank u everyone your thought have been helpful

Guys this stuff is killing me inside! I'm can't even talk about it with him anymore because I just sound like a broken record at this point, I try to ignore it but when it's there I instantly crush inside not to mention the anger and frustration HELP

Take it easy. This is part of the hard times in a marriage. Like TMan said, it can take a while. You need to hang in there. Everything will be fine. Take it easy for now. Let it pass and pray.