Hi!
My boyfriend and I have been together for 21 months and we keep a long distance relationship(130 miles). We have been basically living together right from the first week we met, that is, he would stay at my place two full weeks a month. Only last April we started to talk about moving to the same city so as to avoid all the traveling and weeks after he started crying desperately saying he didn't know whether he was in love with me but he knew he loved me. We split up for three weeks and then got back together and have been happy until two weeks ago, when the same problem arose again... WE must make a move in our relationship and he keeps saying he loves me but he is not sure why he can't take the step to move in with me- he doesn't know whether it is a commitment problem or that he lacks a feeling for me, so I am quite desperate. Please, help me...
Xxx

I think he is scared at the prospect of moving to a strange place and basically starting all over with the job thing and having to depend on you to take care of him while he is building a life. Fear of the unknown. He may not be ready for such a giant life changing event.

I would say Tal is right. It is more about the move. At the same, if a move is not made it is easy to be lost in feelings of doubt. Especially with distance. It is hard not to go up and down with feelings when there is distance. I think the move, if it happens would put all those doubts and fears away.

Joe

It is hard, when I meet Toni, I was several hundred miles from her.

To move and be with her, I had to sell my house, quit my job and move.
When I drove into town, I knew no one but her, had not job.

But I had no doubt to do it, ( of course she was a college teacher and could support me)

But this is the real trouble with long distance relationships, the party being able to make that move, too many waste a lot of time to find out they just can't do it.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

I would say Tal is right. It is more about the move. At the same, if a move is not made it is easy to be lost in feelings of doubt. Especially with distance. It is hard not to go up and down with feelings when there is distance. I think the move, if it happens would put all those doubts and fears away.

Joe

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Thank you guys for giving me advice-it is most helpful! The thing is it would be me who would be moving to his city and the job problem is sorted out both in his case and in mine as we both work for the government(in different places and different kinds of jobs, but there is no problem in us moving from one place to another workwise, I mean). The thing is that at one point of our conversation I said he might not be in love with me although he loves me and he said he wasn't sure and asked me whether I was in love with him, to which I nodded; but he kept crying and saying he wanted to make it work but didn't know how. So we decided to wait and see whether he decides whether he lacks feelings for me and in the meantime we should act normal. THe thing is I feel I am being examined all the time, as I keep trying to work out what it is that he is not completetly sure about and I know there is something in me, so it makes me quite unconfident. So, on the one hand I love him to bits but on the other hand I don't know whether this is doing us good or we should split up and let it go...

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Originally Posted by prt

THe thing is i feel I am being examined all the time, as I keep trying to work out what it is that he is not completetly sure about and I know there is something in me, so it makes me quite unconfident.

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It's not necessarily something wrong with you that makes him unsure about his love for you, it's just as likely to be some baggage of his from childhood or previous relationships or whatever. The point is not WHY he feels unsure, but THAT he feels that way. As far as I'm concerned, ambivalence is worse than antipathy because it keeps you guessing and off balance and uncertain where you stand with the person. That whole "love, but not IN love" thing is a huge red flag.

Pulling up stakes and relocating for a relationship that is that uncertain sounds like a very bad idea to me. I've seen very few times when ambivalence turned to heartfelt devotion. More often, it engenders dependency, guilt, and heartache. The fact that he's all stressed out and crying about it tells me he's the guilty type, and your willingness to assume that there's something wrong with you tells me you're the dependent type. If that's true, this is a match made in hell.

My advice is tell him you can't build a real relationship on such a shaky foundation, cut off all contact and get to work on building your own self-confidence so you will be ready for a truly mature, equal relationship. If by some miracle he suddenly realizes that you're his dreamgirl and he can't live without you, I'm sure he'll let you know. If not, you've avoided a huge waste of time and emotion and money.

Long distance relationships don't work. The time lost can never be got back. Someone has to make a decision, move to where the other person is or end it. Time is no one's friend, and it's later than you think.

I think Ordinaryguy had an extraordinary point, it doesn't make sense for YOU to be the one to relocate. That would, in my opinion put you in a very vulnerable spot. Since he's the one with the doubts and love you but not in love with you feelings, he's the one with the least amount to lose.

Let me ask you this, where does the desire come from to make all these sacrifices and changes for someone who is not completely convinced he is in love with you 110% and wants to be committed to you and only you?

Imagine yourself leaving your familiar surroundings, your job, family, school, only to hear this guy say that he doesn't want to continue in the relationship, then what?

Long distance in a relationship can make it both difficult and easy. For the one who wants to be closer and is investing more effort and emotion it is difficult, and distance makes it easier for the one who is less interested in a close relationship.

Thank you guys, once more, for your wise advice and sincere answers-they are very much appreciated! The fact is, and sorry to keep talking about this, that we have spent two days talking quietly about our situation and he has said a thousand times how much he loves me and how he doesn't want to lose me and bla blabla and kept crying like crazy. He has asked me to give him a bit of time to settle down in his own life and asked me to be patience, but I don't want to be the one waiting for him to decide-that would be taking me for granted, but at the same time I don't want to lose him either and wouldn't want to let him if I were to be proud and not listen to him. He said we have reached a point at which we must make a decission-as regards to moving and stuff-and we must stop and think about what we want. He says he is sure he loves me but that there is something which tells him that there is something wrong, so he must sorted out and asked me to wait on him. I said I don't understand why I must go through this even if it is for our benefit, that I can't see the point in going through a bad time to feel fine later(it sounds crazy to me). So I decided to give him time and give myself a little time too. I know, at the bottom of my heart, that he does love me but I also know that there is something wrong. I don't know what to do.x

I think that is a good idea. Giving him some time and yourself some time. Honestly though I am a firm believer of one point. Things that seem rough or really hard right now. I do believe that it is for the better of the future. I went through some really really hard times. Thought they were not worth it, thought it did not make sense. Looking back on everything. I am happy and grateful to have experienced that hardship because it made me stronger today. Yes, it is a lot better situation all around by the decisions that I have made. We all have to make our own. Including you.

Joe

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I don't know what to do.x

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Sometime when we don't know what to do, the best thing to do is nothing. Sometimes we have to wait for the answer to come to us. Focus on what is in front of you now, and the rest will be revealed. What's the hurry??

Thank you, guys! I guess I must wait and see what tomorrow brings... The truth is that it has been only today that we had our last conversation /saw each other and, up to now, I haven't shed a tear( I guess I shed so many today I have none left) and don't feel anxious, so I hope I can go on like this and be calm. I need some rest from this mess.
Thank you. You are all most helpful. Xx

He called me yesterday night to say that the minute he walked out the door he realised he was losing me and felt a pain in his heart. THen he said that sometimes we need to lose something to realise how foolish we have been in losing it. I said I didn't want to be waiting on him, that I had to move on, to which he said that he just needed to settle down as the last year has been so stressful(traveling from and to my place and then traveling because of work and therefore almost unavailable for friends), to which I agreed but I told him not to blame me on it as I never put any pressure to do anything he didn't want to do. He doesn't want to lose me and says he trusts in us and that there is something beautiful between us that we shouldn't lose. Then I said I needed time and he said he needed to hear I would be there so that he can have a little time to be quiet and think sensibly. So I said he had his time and that I would take mine. I know I love him and I know, although it hurts me to admit it, that the best way for him to get back to me in a sensible sense would be to stop contact with him. I don't want to leave him so, as he keeps saying he is sure he'll be okay in a while. He wanted me to say that I wouldn't close him the door if he wants to talk, I said I wouldn't close the door to talking, but that's all. I know I love him and he loves me but I don't know whether it is normal to doubt in such a way or to behave so.

Excellent,

Your telling him how you feel, telling him not to blame you for his stress. There is communication between the two of you. Now you need your time and your break. Which you have every right. Your setting the bounderies, and bounderies are very important. Talking is important. In my experience, as long as there is distance there will be doubt. Always. Once the distance situation is taking care of then the doubt will go away, if it is meant to be.

Joe

THank you so much for helping me and listening to me at this difficult time I am going through.

prt, feelings of anguish and stress can be so tough to deal with. We are so desperately looking for answers, and sometimes the answers are right in front of our face, we just choose to ignore them because we want a different answer. You are taking time to yourself and so is he, that's good. You expressed your thoughts and concerns and stood up for yourself, that's great. You've realized that love is sometimes not enough when you have a constant doubt in the back of your mind, it's that little inner voice that is trying to tell us something, you acknowledged that and that's excellent.

You're going to be just fine, you're a smart, tough girl with lots of new friends here to turn to when it gets hard.

I would defintely give him some time to think things through. Space. He needs to miss you and see if he really loves you.

I personally would pull back for a while. Let him make the decision. Be busy with other things.

He needs to decide tp make a firm commitment or not.

Obviously you're at a crossroads - you don't need to go through this ups and downs all the time.

Yes definitely pull back and be busy.

The crying and emotional stuff does not sound so good and I'm hoping he is not a real commitmentphobe, in that he cannot make a decision to leave or to be with you

He texted me today saying he won't lose me and he wanted me to know that he will fight for me. Then he called in a completely different mood from yesterday's-he says that he knows I won't believe him, but that after talking to me yesterday he has started to see eevrything in a positive way and has started to do things( he was starting to feel a bit depresive lately, like not wanting to go out or get out of bed, etc.)so he has started going to the gym today and is having a session with a psychologist tomorrow. I can't believe he changed over night and now knows he adores me. I don't know. It's all confusing. He doesn't seem to be very balanced...

Ughhhhhhhhhh - ughhhhhhh - do you really want this roller coaster?

Seriously - is he bi-polar?

I don't want this roller coaster but I do love him... I don't know I feel weird.

As others have said get busy doing things you enjoy, don't just sit and wait. It takes time for things to happen.

Let him get his help but it takes more then just one day.

It is called being DESPERATE.

Keep busy with yourself and enjoy your space time.

Yeah let him get all the help he needs and keep your distance for now.

I am sorry to keep posting over the same topic again and again. I have been doing quite well by not crying since he left two days ago, but I feel so miserable today... the weather isn't nice, I can't go home to my parents place as it is snowing and he texted me three times last night, to which I haven't replied at all. He keeps asking me not to forget him, not to stop loving him, etc. I love him to bits and I wish I could phone him and tell him how miserable I feel, but I know I can't and I won't do it. He is supposed to go to his psychologist today, I hope it helps him get out of his own mess. I just need to know when am I going to feel free and better... I know I must keep myself busy and so I try to do so, but I need him and I am starting to miss him so... I guess this is the mood I should have been in all the time and not so happy as I seemed to be when he left(as I was relief since I didn't have to carry on talking and crying and being all depressive), but I feel down today... sorry to bother you all, mates.

Oh don't worry, its completely normal and you a re doing well to come here to vent..
Yes don't communicate with him right now.. He needs to get help for his commitment problems, I feel that by not wanting to make a commitment to stay with you and not making a commitment to leave you, he may need a lot of help.. but it's a positive sign at least that he wants to see a psychologist.

So get yourself back to being strong again... I know its not an easy time and you will go through a lot of emotions.

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but I feel down today... sorry to bother you all, mates.

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It's a bright sunshiney morning here an I wish I could send you some. I Know to well how looking out the window can make us feel good or bad, when we get up in the mornings. Just curious as to what your best friend says about all this? If you care to share.

One of my best friends says that the problem is my boyfriend is putting pressure on himself to commit when he is not the kind man who commits himself. He says that he knows what a good girl I am and that he doesn't want to lose me, so he finds himself in a quandary so as to say "i dont wanna leave her as i wont find anyone else with her qualities but i am not sure i am in love with her". He says I should forget about him and go for someone better. My other best friend says he is just the unconfident kind of person who will be so for his whole life and I will have to learn to cope with that if I love him, which I do. She says that sometimes love isn't just enough, we need to learn to forgive and to be there when we are needed.

He keeps texting me to tell me he is not going to allow himself to lose me as I am his life. He asks me to wait on him and not to be annoyed as he says he adores me and this is just a point all couples reach. He beggs me to trust him, but as time goes by I am starting to disbelieve him... I am not texting back and I feel sooo bad...

It is up to you when you feel ready to text him back. By you not texting him and showing him that your doing fine without him. What has his reaction be so far. Now he can not share enough on how much he feels for you and does not want to let you go. As far as that this is just a point all couples reach, that is a load of crap if I ever heard any. Sorry to be so blunt. I do not blame you for having your doubts. I must add, why do you feel so bad? There is not reason why you should feel guilty or bad for not texting back. It is all up to you what you do, but you need your space and he is not really giving it to you. He knows that you wanted some time. Right!

Joe

PRT, I think the weird feeling you have in your stomach is that little something that's telling you this is done, over with. This is a rollercoaster ride you don't want any part of, listen to the weird feeling. It feels weird to be without him, doesn't make it wrong.

Thank you sooooo much. I have decided not to have any more contact to him and wait and see what happens. I truly believe if he really loves me and is the one, he won't let me go and will work on not letting me go. It is hard, but I have been here before and I think also on his side and although I try to believe him, I don't think I understand him and maybe we should just leave it at that. I don't feel I can be involved in a relationship where I am the one giving all and getting very little in return. I know I am putting everything so blunt now that I am quiet, and I also know that I will feel down at times too, but I hope I can make it and I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that he realises what a fool he as been and tries to get me back.

It's been ten days since he left and he has been texting me daily ever since. I felt relief at first that he wasn't here and I didn't have to put up with all his crying and nonsense but as days go by and I get these texts telling me he doesn't want to lose me and that he loves me... I am starting to get anxious and had to go to the doctor yesterday as I had a nervous breakdown.I miss him so much I don't know what to do... The last day I spoke to him, that was three days ago, I told him not to contact me unless he had a good reason for doing so or if he was going to do what he said in his texts. He never rang again but texted me to let me know he knows our relationship will work and that he knows it's going to be all right. I am really desperate as I have a very special personal situation: I live 300 miles away from my parents and live by myself, I have been living in this place for the last four years, yet it is not my hometown and I hardly know many people, so I am going through a patch of rough weather as I don't know where to go or what to do...

Oh, I really feel for you right now. It's hard enough to go through a break up but to be so far away from mom and dad and not even be able to get a hug from them is very difficult, so consider yourself hugged.

Your ex needs to truly understand your position right now and respect your wishes of leaving you alone. If he truly loves you as he says he does, he should demonstrate it by allowing you time to regain your strength and time to put things into perspective whether he likes it or not. Make sure you bring that point firmly across to him.

Thanks guys for listening when I need to vent. He hasn't texted for two days now, so I am starting to think that either he has given up on me and doesn't give a thing for me anymore or that he is trying to pull himself together to make a positive move and stop hurting me(this is the option I try to get hold tight in my mind). I have started a medical treatment which calms me down and makes me sleep and prevents me from crying or being too anxious. I don't know if it's a bad idea, however I only wonder whether I will ever get my feelings back and feel myself again. I wish all this was a nightmare. Do you think I will ever get my peace again? Do you think he is reconsidering us?

Hi again!here I am and it 's been almost three weeks since he left and still texts me telling me how much he loves me and how much he feels for me, but then he just doesn't do anything about it. I don't reply to his text and I feel he is just unsure about his feelings and at the sme time doesn't want to lose me in case he realises that he loves me, which I think it is ttoo selfish as he doesn't let me go on with my life. In the mean time I went to the doctor yesterday and signed me a sick leave for two weeks off work as I have developed an ulcer in my stomach because of anxiety. I don't know what to do, whether to wait and see or to carry on, I know I shuld carry on without with and try and have fun but then I find it so hard that I cant... I feel sad and I miss him and I have added problems both at work and in the city I live in, so I think this is a patch or rough weather and don't know how to get away from it. I need some help, I am frankly desperate...

Hi there prt,
This guy sounds highly commitmentphobic... he cannot make the commitment to stay with you , nor can he make the commitment to leave you.Its a sign of a man with a severe commitment problem. However wouldn't you rather you find out now than in a few years time? Only he can try and resolve his problems..
Please try and stay strong.
Did you already tell him not to contact you ?
Have you any friends there, or hobbies that you can do.
It sounds very painful.

PRT, if your boyfriend went home every day and said to himself that he needed to brush his teeth because it was good for him, his dentist told him so. He talks about it, talks about flossing, talks about mouthwash, but never does it. Is he being honest with himself and those he tells this too? No. He's lying to himself and others. I guarantee you when he goes back to the dentist he will have cavities and the yuckiest mouth ever. Talking about it meant nothing, it changed nothing. His actions will and do speak for him. He can say whatever he wants, but the bottom line is it does you no good unless it's followed by actions. At least the actions you're looking for. His actions right now are to actively stay away to keep the distance he's comfortable with while texting you all the time to lure you back in. That basically makes you a human yo-yo. Put a stop to his texts. Text him back with a short "enough is enough, don't text me anymore, I'm moving on."