Hello all,
I am a new member of this community . I had come across this community while looking for the answer to my questions.Well to state my problem... I have become a hapless victim of one sided love.The girl I love is already committed to someone else.I love her passionately... its been a week or so before I had proposed to her... and she rejected my proposal .she said that she is already seeing someone.My problem is that.. even though I am trying to FORGET her.. I can't do so,I really can't.. it seems impossible for me to do this!! Every time I see her online I just want to talk to her... everytime I see her before me,my heart just longs to get to her... she is seemingly concerned about my situation but she shows indifference on face.. If we come across each other then we both try to ignore each other... though my heart cries. I think I can't live without her but I also know that she is unreachable... this feeling of helplessness is just killing me... plzzz can anyone help?? I have even stopped talking to her and I am taking steps to forget her... BUT I CAN'T.. I REALLY CAN'T... wht to do plzz advice?? I am literally on the verge of breakdown... I don't want to fall in this death trap of depression... plzzz tell me how to forget her and how to tackle this situation... I don't find solace anywhere... I am even distanced from my friends and parents!! I hate this state of mine... but I just can't stop thinking about her... all my hrs of the day are preoccupied by her thoughts... and the situations get worsened if I see her... I just can't forget her... I love her sooooo very much

I know how hard it is to love someone so much and to find they don't feel the same for you. I'm sure most people have too. Where you two in a relationship or just friends because you wrote that you proposed to her but she said she was seeing someone else? I was just wondering how it is you didn't know that. The best thing for you to do would be to just talk with her openly about each others feelings and try to be understanding of how she feels. If she doesn't have the same feelings for you as you do her the only thing you can do is try to keep your distance from her. Things change, and maybe someday she might feel differently about that but don't let the maybes get in the way of your happiness either. Try to move on. Don't seclude yourself from your friends and family. Being with them will help you to keep your mind off her. Love hurts-no dout about it. But honestly from my experience, time heals all pain. Give yourself that time and then when you think your ready, start dating again and I bet you would be surprised.

Hi tessy,
I already had some hint that she is seeing someone else,its just that I came to know of it when it was very late... I could not control the flow of my emotions... I am a caring and a very passionate sort of a person... I love her very passionately and that is cause of my sorrow... I don't like to do nethin,when I am free I just look up to her... as a remedy I hv started learning guitar,but I do not find ne respite in that either... wht to do? I can't be "JUST FRIENDS"... its difficult to bury my feelings... the more I do ,the more pronounced they become...

First:

No more contact. NONE.

Second:

You need to get a life, and please let me explain. You do nothing but think about her all the time. Why? You have nothing to busy yourself with. School? work? Volunteer? Going out and doing things that will benefit you.

Third:

By trying to force yourself to forget, guess what your only making matters worse for yourself. You should chalk it up to a new experience. You had a good time at the time. The past is the past. Are you always going to hold yourself back because you will just end up lonely and miserable and you will not enjoy anything in your life. You need to live each day as if it is a new day.

Fourth:

There is no such thing as cant.

Fifth:

This is a fantasy relationship. This relationship was not real in anyway. Do you want to continue living a fantasy?

Sixth:

Here is the biggest step. To realize this was never real. To realize that this girl was not right for you. To realize this girl is with someone else. To realize that you have no reason to love this girl. Exceptence.

Best of luck to you in the future.

Joe

Dear Joe,
Thanks for your encouragement but you know it really hurts to think that she is someone else's... that thought kills me!!

Honestly she was never yours. So how can that thought kill you. It may hurt right now but believe me, the only way to move forward is to except that she was never right for you and the next step is to learn from this experience. Better yourself. Improve yourself and sometime in the future when you are ready. Or even when you least expect it, you will find that someone that actually loves and cares for you back. Loving somebody that does not love you is just a waste of your time, your health, your sanity. Time to fill up your life, your thoughts with positive thoughts. As I said, use this as a learning experience. Be thankful and now it is time to let go of this person that you were not even truly with.

Joe

But Joe can you tell me how to control my thoughts when I see her before me... or how to control my urges to talk to her when she is online... u know one thing.. I was alwaz looking 4 an understanding partner and I found that this girl is quite understanding by nature... it is really difficult to let her go... but I hv no options so I am feeling helplesss...
Do you think it's a good idea if I just approach her again... that may kindle some feelings for me in her heart!!
U know I feel that myself respect is crushed every time I initiate ne dialogues with her on this topic... she is ready to be friends but I can't take her as a friend.. its difficult to destroy your feelings so easiy

You will lose yourself respect completlely if you approach her again. Like I said this wanting her to all of a sudden feel something for you is fantasy on your part. You contact her, you approach her for any reason guess what yourself respect is lost. You keep holding onto something that is not there. I am here to tell you to wake up and stop putting yourself through this. Its not about destroying your feelings. It is about a reality wake up call. It is about reconizing your feelings. Accepting your feelings and then actually letting go of those feelings. The only way to do that is to keep yourself busy. Volunteering, Working, school. Remember, no contact is important.

And one thing more... if I do things to avoid her... will not this hurt her??

You can not force someone to love you. Ask yourself, do you want her to be happy? If you love her you do, no matter what, you don't want to have to convince her she should love you. Why do that to her, to yourself? Yeah its going to be hard, your going to want to talk to her but don't, not only for you sake, but let the girl live her life! If she loves you she will tell you that. You don't need to convince her of it. And you will survive it. Its not the end of the world.

May I ask you a question? If you do things to avoid her, will it not hurt her?

Why are you concerned about her. She was not concerned about hurting you. She did the damage. She is seeing someone else. Did that not hurt you?
You have every right not to see her, to avoid her. Will it hurt her. It might, but think of it this way. If you show her that your doing good without her. How do you think she might handle that? If she sees you moving on and happy, do you think that might make her think, Hmmm. He is a pretty good guy, he did not deserve the way I treated him. This will make her think a bit. This will actually help you.

Trust me on this.

Dear Joe,
Thanks brother... u have shown me ray of light... thanks for preventing me from falling into this deep abyss of depression... I hv taken your advice to heart and will follow it...
I have gained a friend today..

Yes, you have. I will always be here. Anytime.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr Joe, had to spread the love... but way to go here. Just perfect!

UserJan, you have the best advice here. Stay strong, just keep rembering what Joe shared with you, and you will be more than okay :)

Wishing you all the best!!

Thanks for the support given by AMHD... I think the healing phase has begun... but I am still feeling listless!! How to recover from it completely?? I have lost faith in love... shud I talk to her normally... shud I take as a friend or should I break all contacts with her

Remember the healing process takes time. Do not lose faith. Break all contact. Believe me that is the only option, but of course the only person that can make that decision is you.

Joe

Hi friend,
I am feeling a new zeal in myself after forgetting her... is it natural?? or is it just ovr excitement? But now too sometimes I feel a little low... are you sure I will not fall again...

Hello,

That is good that your feeling a new zeal in yourself. Yes, it is natural. It is also normal to feel low sometimes as well. I believe in you, and I believe you are a strong person and that you are going to do what is best for you, and what makes you feel happy and good.

People do fall sometimes. It is human nature, but I trust that if you have the backing of good friends, that you continue to communicate with your friends that they will help you along the way and help you enjoy your life and have faith that you will not fall.

Joe

Quote:

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Originally Posted by userjan1

hi friend,
i am feeling a new zeal in myself after forgetting her.....is it natural???or is it just ovr excitement?? but now too sumtimes i feel a little low......are u sure i will not fall again........

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As long as you can type just come here, and we will pick you up.

Thanks 4 d support AMHD... I feel that I am again attracted towards her... wht to do mannnnnn?? should I maintain the no contact thing...

Can I start dating again?? Is it that this time I may be emotionally fragile

Quote:

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Originally Posted by userjan1

dear Joe,
thanks for ur encouragement but u know it really hurts to think that she is someone else's.............that thought kills me!!!

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See... the thing is... if you really love her, you'll be happy for her happiness, whether it is with you.

If you're just infatuated (in lust, maybe), then you'll feel miserable that it's not YOU making her happy.

To me, love is putting happiness of the other person before your own.

EDIT: Ack... drat me for not finishing reading. You've gotten great advice here, and it sounds like you are doing a ton better! Hooray for you!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by userjan1

thanks 4 d support AMHD.......I feel that i am again attracted towards her....wht to do mannnnnn???shud i maintain the no contact thing.......

can i start dating again??? is it that this time i may be emotionally fragile

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By all means leave her alone, and busy yourself with other things you enjoy. You will always be attracted to her but in time you will deal with it more maturely. As for dating, if you can enjoy anothers company without comparing them to the one you cannot have then fine. But be honest with yourself as leading someone on or using them to forget some one else is not really fair. You may be emotionally fragile if so have fun in a group setting.

OK let me put it this way... I honestly wannabe her friend... but I am afraid that if I take her as a friend at this stage.. then I may fall in again... I am confused!!

As the time has passed by the cloudiness in my mind has somewht cleared up... but now again I feel attracted... not because of lust.. but only because I am a protective sort of a person and I still house a soft corner for her.. though my intensity has drastically reduced

I'd wait and see how you feel later, before worrying about the friendship thing, when the confusion is GONE! I'm afraid if you see or talk to her now you WOULD fall in again... HEAD first. Better to wait until you are a lot less intense in your feelings for her. Stay busy with a life you enjoy without her.

Okie expert... I will do as you say... it is just that when I feel happy I just try to solve all d problems in my life and I become a little more tolerant towards people... perhaps this tolerance is what is prompting me to talk to her again... but I will adhere to your advice and refrain

userjan1,

I have done my best to help you, but you keep going back to the same thing even after all the advice. You need to be able to help yourself. Every time you have any doubts about anything re read through ALL ANSWERS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Then maybe you will start to get it.

Joe

Yes Joe I hv started to get it man... its just that I flicker once in a while.I will be more cautious and controlled now... but I will really need your help alwaz! :)


And to tell you the truth I am actually going through all dese answers whenever I feel low

Excellent,

I think that is the best thing to do, is read all these answers whenever you do have that flicker. Like I said before the flickers are normal. We will be here to help you through them.

That is want I want to hear. These answers are to uplift you. Like I said before I will always be here to help. At the same time you need to help yourself as well. In order to move forward. I am going to change the way I worded that on my last post.

Thank u dear friend!! :)

But I want to ask 1 last question... does NO CONTACT RULE also apply to her friends... who remind me of her??
I really need the answer to this one... as some of her friends hv been lately approaching me... to be a friend of theirs too

Hmmm, That is a hard one to answer. See the thing about hanging out or having friends that is hers, what do you think will end up happening. Guess who will be with them a lot of the time. It is up to you but I would say the only reason why they are approaching you is because they want to know what is going on. Maybe this is a way for them to get info from you and then they will report back. I personally do not think it is a good idea.

Joe

I think its always better to have your own life that you enjoy, and your own friends. I agree with Joe on this one, hanging out with her friends could put you in a bad position later down the road.

I agree with "jesushelper76", you need to get the right/real thoughts in your head. Stop loving an image of a perfect relationship, which obviously you and her can't have. Avoid all contacts with her, it will be easier day after day. Do your work, go to the gym, meet up with friends, spend time with your family... surround yourself with people, who you love.
Avoid anything, that might remind you of her... Also, it feels better to get angry rather than feeling sorry for yourself... it is not you, who's wrong!!
As soon as you face it, you'll feel better. It will take time, might take a long time, but the longer your postpone it, the harder it will get.

OK I will adhere to your advice... but its really hard you see!! But I am going to face it boldly and stop taking myself fr granted

No one said it would be easy. Prepare to feel hurt, you will feel terrible, but it will be easier with every new coming day... you will feel better afterwards, long after this moment... might take a month, might take longer.

Hi dudes,
Just an update from my side...
I hv taken several steps (like NO CONTACT thing... ) to stop thinking about her... but still my one problem remains... I can't stop myself from setting STATUS MESSAGES FOR HER ON THE MESSENGER...
Whenever I see her online,I just put a status message that has some relation to us... wht to do?
Should I delete her from my messenger for good?? I hv tried to delete her from my messenger 3-4 times but every time I re-add her owing to the curiousity to see her status msges( mind you she does not put status msges for me usually... but at times she does and when she does I instantly reply to her status message by putting a counter message from my side.. )...
Whnever I am online,I just keep on chking that she is dere or not!! Not because I haveta talk ,but just that I get a strange satisfaction to seee her before me!!

This thing just reminds me of her and comes in my way of forgetting her... can you suggest a way out?
I am looking 4 an answer terribly

What do you mean you can't stop? There is no such thing as can't. Every day every hour and every moment of our lives we make choices and choose not to check and see what she is doing. Do you know that there are so many things out there to do in the world. Choose not to watch her. When you say you get a strange satisfaction to see her before u, you sound like an online stalker. Delete her from your messenger and start to occupy your time with other things and talking to other people. Over time you will see that it will get easier. Our emotions are fueled by what our mind tells us. Stop telling yourself that you need her or you need to know what is going on in her life. Your heart will not stop beating if you don't know this information. What ever feel good sensation you get from knowing what she is doing you get it for a moment and it dies down and then when you see her on again you get excited and then it dies down again and it is up and down. Do you not have a life outside of the computer?

You don't need answers, you need action, so get off your butt and get busy doing the suggestions that have been laid out to you and stop all the whinning and doing immature stuff like with that messenger thing, that you know good and well is doing you no good. Grow up and stop feeling so sorry for yourself and leave the excuses out. Half your problem is you buddy.

OK dears
Here she goes from my messenger.. the last nail in d coffin... pray to God it lasts!! :)

Way to go! You are going to be OK... this is a step in the right direction.