Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend Wants Space.. . Help

Girlfriend Wants Space.. . Help

Me and my girlfriend have been with each for on an off 2 an half years. We spend a lot of time with each other and share lots of things in common, our relationship bar a few issues was extremely healthy, we both love each other, care for each other, both faithful and have lots of laughs, she's my best friend. We've broken up a few times not for long though seems almost bipolar, I go through a bad time and don't want to be with her, few days time were together and same with her. We have been on 3 major holidays and enjoyed all of them an got lots of things that remind each other of us. We talked about growing up together and future plans, we talked form the heart an mean it. With her career she may have to move away at the end of the year and thinks its best if we break up. It's a shock and I hate the fact of breaking up. She doesn't not love me, and nothing has gone wrong, just she says she wants space thing is, she isn't the srt of person that actaully wants space, I know her. She doenst like breaks and we have boken up I kills me that I have no say other than to try and get along with her decision. It feels like I have lost half of me, I have talked to her but don't want to pester her, she seems strong and serious that it is the right thing. It isn't we're great together. I want to be with her more than anything else. The only thing I think I can do is give her her space. No one else measure up to her, I don't want to be with anyone else. I believe I have found the one but she doenst want to be with me right now.

Can anybody give me some info, cheer me up, give me some stats, some general . Psychology, some life experience.

First: Break, is a break. That means it is not working.

Second: No one can measure up, you do not know this now. That statement is False.

Third: There are plenty of fish in the sea. You might not find the one right away but there will always be somebody that fits you, might not be the same way but it will happen.

Fourth: On and off, Breaks and so much more. Her being serious. If she says it's a break it is a break. That reality has not hit you yet, but you have to face it sometime.

Fifth: You need to get out and live life for yourself. Think about enjoying your life and your time. Do not sit on you butt and let life past you by, because your going to regret later in life.

Sixth: It is up to you if you want to wallow in self pity, but to put her up in a pedestal like that is only going to cause problems. You saying no one else can measure up. Is there not anything you do without this girl?

Seventh: Give her the space. Real space. The no contact rule. Stop hounding her because if you truly want her to miss you and you truly want to have another chanch with this girl then what you need to do is stop calling her, stop emailing her, stop writing her, stop seeing her.

Joe

Join the club my friend, nearly everyone here has the same story you do, and it will take time but you will have plenty of that so, GIVE her what she asked for, no calling no email, no phone calls, Get you a life that you enjoy without her.

She hasn't asked me not to call, email or see her. She said she still loves me just it is the best thing. It is totally unlike her which worries me. I can hold my space that will be okay I think - ill post how I get on but we know each other backwards an it seems like she's flipped an its taking affect on me. She is my rock an really special to me, many people may talk about another girl on these forums but this was more. I'm fit good sportsman, still exercisin, got good career good mates behind me, thought everythin was good, really in my comfort zone. As I said she isn't the sort of person that wants space, more to make a point, this seems to far though?

The best thing to happen to me is that we make up an sort stuff out. She can't deny it is the best thing but she wants space?

Any ideas?

Yes - cut all contact for 2 months. Give her space. Fix you.

No calls, no returned e-mails nothing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve_malibu

she hasnt asked me not to call, email or see her. she said she still loves me just it is the best thing. it is totally unlike her which worries me.

She may not have asked, but don't contact her at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve_malibu

she is my rock

You are your own rock. This might be hard on you but you still have everything you had before she came into your life and even though you can't see it now, it will be there when the pain wears off.

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve_malibu

many ppl may talk jus about another girl on these forums but this was more

Sorry Steve, and I speak from someone that's said the same things to people when I've just had a break up, saying to others that you can't understand what we had was different. Well I and everybody else here can understand what it's like. But when I've got over the pain I've looked back and realized that it was another woman who would not have lasted a lifetime like I thought she would. Emotions cloud judgement.

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve_malibu

im fit good sportsman, still exercisin, got good career good mates behind me, thought everythin was good, really in my comfort zone.

But that's just it. Your in a comfort zone. That's why she seemed so perfect. Everything else in your life came together and she happened to be apart of it when it did.

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve_malibu

The best thing to happen to me is that we make up an sort stuff out. she can't deny it is the best thing but she wants space?

Any ideas?

Truthfully it sounds like she's dumping you and doing it in steps. First the "break" which is another word for dumping anyway, then the line coming in the next month or two, "I'm not ready for a relationship now, but I want to remain friends. Really good friends." I think you need to snap out of denial and accept this is over.

I'll be example number 3409823409204823094. Same story. Don't pester her, let her do her thing and hope for the best. I didn't do that and I lost mine.

Give her the space she says she needs. Move on with your life. Get busy and be involved. I know it seems hard at first but you'll find that there is life outside of her. Others will tell you that a woman is only part of your life, not your life. Putting too much importance in a relationship is a recipe for heartbreak. Do the things that you enjoy. Take up some new interests and "dust off" some old ones. Work on you. You're the most important person in your life. Treat yourself accordingly.

I will say I am the type of person who needs their space. To me from what you wrote it doesn't sound like she is breaking up with u. it sounds like she plain and simple needs her space. I say you definitely should wait for her to contact you. When she figures things out in her head she will hopefully call and explain everything if she really loves you. If she is dumping you she won't contact you ever, but I believe if you give her the space she needs to think she will appreciate it more than anything and eventually come back.

Make no mistake, giving her space will not necessarily bring her back. But there's one thing I've never ever ever ever ever seen in any of these threads, and I've read through about 30 of them on these boards. I'VE NEVER SEEN NAGGING AND PESTERING ACTUALLY BRING THEM BACK.

YEP!! Disappear!! Disappear!! For at least 2 months... more like 3 +.

I've helped several get them back here, but the ones that don't uually screw it up or already have screwed it up.

Going forward, when someone wants a break disappear, IF you don't bother them or even call once, no text - 9 out 10 times they even call you in a couple days.

You have to be cool about it. Move on. Or have them think you have moved on.

But yes - begging, constant contact - never works - ever.

Disappear!! For the love of god disappear!!

Work on yourself!

Steve, listen to these guys, they know the biz of the break-up world. They have been there done that. I know you may think your relationship was like no other, and even if that's true, the same rules still apply. If she said she doesn't want to be with you right now, than grant her that wish.

Make like a tree and leaf...

Seriously, respect her wishes, leave her alone, no contact of any kind for any reason.

Quote:

Originally Posted by momincali

Make like a tree and leaf...

I believe the expression you're looking for is:

"Make like a tree and get the hell out of here!"

thanks to all those responding to my question, it really helping, hearing all of the info you have to say, and I'm doing just that, and starting to change my emotion already. At first it was a shock form nowhere - caught me offguard, but onw I'm taking the hit and rising back. Got lots of things to do which is good.

one thing though, is it wrong or unordinary that if I find out she has met someone else to never want to know here ever again. See I'm a sort of all or nothing person plus here's 2 things I left out, she's my first girlfriend and we've broken up before, I broke up with her an she found someone else within 2weeks it completely F'ed me off so I ignored her for 5months, didn't want to see her, talk, contact, anything as if she were deleted. The relationship didn't work out and after I arrived back form a trip she called me to make a mend of a friendship = all emotions ran back an within the week we were back and she apologised for everythin she had ever done we lived hapily for a yr. if she finds anyone else this time. I would quite happily never want to see or hear from her ever again in my life - on the flipsyde if she was prepared to make it work with some time we both know it would be amazin? An I F'ed up or what?

My mate's are like ye go out get another girl, get a few, play the field, but id rather not, simply because its not in my interest.

I know its probably a chore reading my problems but all you out there are really making a difference thanks a lot. Steve

Steve, you don't have to play the field, you don't even have to get a new girl, just get...

Go on, don't look back. You've broken up before and got back, do you really want a repeat of the same?? You're not a yo-yo!

Hmmmm - see so it worked before. Leave her alone.

Work on yourself. Go out and have fun. New hobbies. Get to the freaking gym!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by momincali

Steve, you don't have to play the field, you don't even have to get a new girl, just get...!

Just get?

Just get means just get going, move, don't stay still...

She called me the other day, I wasn't here. I'm thinking one of three things, good, bad or saying hi. If its bad I would rather not know - although I'm pretty sure it isn't from experience with her. If she's calling to say hi, then I'm on her mind or she's playing mind games prehaps, if its good then I don't want to take her back to easily for all the hurt she initially caused me.. .

Any thoughts you guys, I'm thinking not to return the call - what's happening here?

Answers, answers, answer.. . thanks

Yes don't return the call! Read wildcats advice , no contact for 3 months, GET YOURSELF BACK!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve_malibu

she called me the other day, I wasn't here. I'm thinking one of three things, good, bad or saying hi. If its bad I would rather not know - although I'm pretty sure it isn't from experience with her. If she's calling to say hi, then I'm on her mind or she's playing mind games prehaps, if its good then I don't want to take her back to easily for all the hurt she initially caused me.. .

Any thoughts you guys, I'm thinking not to return the call - what's happening here?

Answers, answers, answer.. . thanks

As far as your concerned you don't want anything to do with her so be unavailable.

Quote:

WILDCAT SAYS,
Hmmmm - see so it worked before. Leave her alone

Work on yourself. Go out and have fun. New hobbies. Get to the freaking gym!!

Get busy, stay unavailable, and let everyone tell her your not there.

Got a letter the other day saying that she would like to know whether I want my stuff back otherwise she is going to throw it out and I should reply a.s.a.p. I don't really have any stuff at hers. So far a call and an email, I haven't spoken to her at all. This seems like seekin attention to me.

What comes next in situations like this then, any women want to let us know what's gion on?

Thanks, steve

What stuff has she got of yours? If it is not worth much I would let her throw it out. NO CONTACT.

If there is contact then you need to have somebody with you.

Joe

Not much I can think of really, 'ill risk it for a biscuit'. I'm getting used to it not, though I don't understand how she can be so uncaring and inconsiderate unless she's trying to make a point, and getting anoyed cause I isn't respondin to anything? Because we have been through a lot together, maybe it's a phase?

I guess she is getting annoyed because you didn't respond to the call. I don't see the need to throw out your stuff already.

If she wants space though, why is she calling.
What age is she?

Or maybe she wants your stuff gone so she can move on? You know what she has and if it is nothing you value, then stay on your path, and a fair warning, Don't fall into the trap of assuming what motivates another. This is an exercise in futility and false hope.

We're both low 20's, she was my major relationship so far, and I was hers. I had 28missed calls today, phone is on automatic reject. An messages are blocked, emailed set on autobounce. 28 seems slightly on-top though?

Wow, I am speechless... and that don't happen often. How do you feel about talking to her? Will you go back if she begs? Can you stand her being PO'd bigtime? Just want to know where your head is at.

Pycho maniac is the word. Restraining order is the word of the day today.

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve_malibu

i had 28missed calls today, phone is on automatic reject. an msgs are blocked, emailed set on autobounce. 28 seems slightly on-top tho?

That's incredible. She is without a doubt trying to play games nor did she think you were strong enough to with stand her and she's finding out the hard way you can.

I'm also going to say that she's suffering from some deep emotional issues if she's calling 28 times in one day.

Stay away. Stay far away.

28 times! Wow!

Actually I'm wondering if she's a bit like a friend of mine, has she got an outgoing , social personality?

I'm reckoning she's really fed up you are not answering , well maybe you can just reply and say you are busy thinking about things yourself now.

I will see what's happenes, I won't contact her just yet, I don't want to give her the satisfaction of a reply, what ever happens ill post it.

Steve

Can you tell us a bit about her personality?

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve_malibu

i wont contact her just yet,

Steve, why contact her at all? You have nothing to gain.

Wow, wow, wow. 28 is a pretty good number, but not good enough. She is beyond desperate at this point to pull the ole' "gonna throw your stuff out if you don't contact me" bit... She wants a reaction, contact, just an opportunity to speak with you. Even if you called her and told her off, she figures that for every action there is a reaction. If you called her P.O'd, she knows there's the emotion of anger there still she can use. If you called her upset, there's the emotion of sadness she can abuse. If you called her pretending everything was fine and you were good, there's the emotion of denial there she can break.

If she were genuine about moving on and sincerely wanted you to get your stuff back, she could box it up so it's not in her sight and just put the box in her garage, let you know it's there whenever you're ready to get it back. I did that once. Put all his stuff in a box, taped it up and put it in the back of my closet. I didn't want it there reminding me, but if it was out of sight, it was out of mind. I didn't need to be mean about it and throw it out. I also knew he was hurting too and didn't need to make him feel rushed to come deal with seeing me.

She's smart, you got to be smarter. Stand your ground, no contact.

We're both smart, that's why we were good lol I did call an she wasnt; going to throw my stuff out. I called went through little banta then I hang up, she called later I a picked it up an had civil conversation for 3mins. She seems to want to rub the point in that we isn't going in the same direction together and that is why we can't be together, ( amazin break up point ey ). She like to be the stonger person when I comes to parting, an puts on a don't care attitude, which is why she don't like it when I don't respond, I think the key is finding the right balance. Ignoring her for 3 months will only make it worse, but accepting her calls all the time will also be bad.

How is my line of thought, come on you pro's - all your info an support has been amazin so far, really helped. Thanks : - )

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve_malibu

we're both smart, thats why we were good lol

That's not what Momincali meant. When there is a break up or even any kind of human interaction there is a underlying psychology involved. In the psychology game she is/was desperately losing when she called you 28 times. She's desperate. She needs attention. She needs to have some kind of control and power.

By NOT contacting her you had that control. You were smarter than her games. That's what Momincali meant.

But you caved and called and this was the result...

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve_malibu

i did call an she wasnt; gona throw my stuff out.

Hell no she wasn't. It was the only thing she had to bring you back. Your stuff was her ace.

So contact was made and this happened...

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve_malibu

i called went through lil banta then i hang up, she called later i a picked it up an had civil convo for 3mins. she seems to want to rub the point in that we aint goin in the same direction together and that is y we can't be together, ( amazin break up point ey ).

Exactly. So after 28 attempts she got you and then rubbed it back in your face.

My only question to you is, Are you going to get your stuff? If you didn't set up a time to get it, write it off as a loss. Whatever it's value is not worth the emotional game she's playing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve_malibu

She like to be the stonger person when i comes to parting, an puts on a dont care attitude, which is why she dont like it when i dont respond,

She doesn't like it because she has lost all control. She controlled you and the relationship. She thought of you as weak. When she rings her bell and you don't respond like Pavlov's dog she gets mad. She knows she doesn't control you. That is why everyone keeps saying not to talk to her. It gives you control over her and this situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve_malibu

i think the key is finding the right balance. ignoring her for 3 months will only make it worse, but acceptin her calls all the time will also be bad.

Ignoring her for 3 months or a lifetime is only going to make it better. Better for you. Plus it might teach her that you are stronger than you lead her to believe you were.

chuff : I understood what 'momincali' was stating, also I was stating that also my ex and I are clever people an know how to play games. She has tried to make contact with me approx 40 + times to my 1 now. I don't see that as critical. As I said ignoring her totally is not necessarily going to fix this. I know I'm still in control and also she has let me know that stuff she said she did not mean. I can only write certain amounts on the feed to display my emotion and what I'm going through. Im not planning for any other contact. And I'm not picking my stuff up, she's keeping it aside. And she didn't rub anything in my face, because I can see through it, I was explaining it to the forum, I know what she's trying to do, along with anyone else that is involved in my issue - the only difference is I know the person and other people on here have previous experience. Please don't jump to conclusions -but thanks for the help

Good luck then.

The only thing that matters here is back to no contact. I've read enough posts to know for sure that when you turn that corner to good health we will all know it. Go back to the stories of the people who have posted here and see the difference that 6 months can make. A year. I bet they don't even know how different they are. Do you chuff? Just to name one. Go back and read where some of us have come from and you'll see yourself. Hang around and I guarantee that you'll see yourself and where you've been in a lot of others and you'll be telling them the same as we tell you, No Contact, work on you. And you'll KNOW why we say that. It takes time. Do you have anything better to do than work on you?