Entire story merged

Hi everyone- thanks in advance for taking the time to read my story. Quick run down - I recently broke off an 8yr relationship because I overheard my ex's conversation about sleeping with a girl. I had been suspicious for months as he would come home late drunk during the week, hide his cell phone and when he was out in the late hours he would never answer his phone. This all started mid of last year and became worse and worse... one night we got into and argument and he did the unthinkable.. he physically abused me for the first time. I packed up my things and left that night. He begging and cried for forgiveness and about 2 weeks later (a fool I know) I went back to him. After that incident I did see a change in him but he still always hid his cell phone which was always suspiscious. I knew there was something that he was hiding, but I still hung on because I simply loved him. I became very depressed and second guessed our relationship and knew deep down that I would have to end it one day. I prayed to find something out that would drive me to leave him and I believe that's when I overheard his conversation. Its been 4 long months now and it feels like eternity. We still have contact with each other every so often... he begs for forgiveness but Im trying to stand my ground. I have been with this man faithfully for 8years and helped him in everyway I could, very much like a wife however I never pressed the issue as I was happy where we were at. I feel so depressed and constantly stressed every minute of the day. I try to go out and have fun and meet new people but its so hard for me to open up. I feel like I carry this negative vibe which makes me unapproachable thus causing even more depression because I can't let loose as my friends for guys to approach me. I don't know what to do anymore. It's been months and Ive gone through these cycled emotions of anger, libertation, sadness, happy etc and I feel like its day one again lately. When does this pain end? I seriously feel like I am falling into depression. I understand that I need to be single and emotionally cleanse myself before I enter a new relationship but I feel like I will never meet anyone and be happy again and this truly panics me. I am so sad and I know I need to snap out of it and as much as I try I can't shake it. Any advice or experiences would be most appreciated. Thanks. :(

Been there, done that, wrote the book. I'm trying to muster up some words of wisdom here, in a subject that I know all to well, and I really have to think on this one, because it hits way to close to home.

It's not unusual for you to go through all of those emotions again and again until you feel like you can move on. Let's say that it's not a long shot to expect to go through the "cycle of emotions" each time for every year that you were together. I know that sounds rough, but unless you want the dreaded rebound relationship, you just have to let yourself go through it. Unless you do, the next guy will have a have a pretty rocky road ahead.

Don't stay in contact with him. I know you want to, but don't answer his calls or return his messages. Just keep in mind the night he abused you, and think of THAT every time you hear his name, or see it on caller ID.

Think of the girl he cheated with, and how he wasn't crying or begging to have you back when he was with HER! Don't sit and listen to music that reminds you of him. Don't look at his pictures, and think of the man you wished he would be. Write him a letter saying how much he hurt you, and took a piece out of your life that you can't get back, and go for it... say everything you've ever wanted to say to him! Love, hate, sad, happy, angry... whatever comes out! Then read it over a few times... and BURN IT! Let it signify an end of what wasn't meant to be.

Keep going out with your friends. Don't go to places where the two of you used to go. Don't go with a feeling of pressure to meet someone new. It will happen when you least expect it. Keep yourself busy doing things you like to do. Tell your friends that discussions of your ex are off limits, and not to try and fix you up. That won't fix anything! Tell your friends that if you bring up your relationship, that you don't need them to bad mouth your ex or try and fix anything, you just need a shoulder. Don't do that often, only when you're really needing it. Friends get tired of that in a hurry.

Try and also make new friends that had nothing to do with your ex, or your relationship. They can give you a fresh perspective on things. Get out as much as you can, and focus on you. You are the only thing you've got for life, so take care of YOU first! Don't give your ex the power to control you.

Any man that puts his hands on a woman, cheats on her, and then comes groveling like a puppy, is not worth your time or effort! Find someone that is worthy of your respect and time.

Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon. Keep your chin up! :)

Well, I understand your being "just fine the way things were"... but for 8 years? How old are you? I hope this started in your teens, that would at least make some sense since those years often don't end up counting anyway.

I can harshly say that if this guy were really "it" for you, you would NOT have been "just fine the way things were" for 8 years. You wouldn't have been fine like that for half that time... and most women after finding an "it" guy, would NOT have been fine after a couple of years.

There is no such thing as "coasting" when dating. Things are getting progressively better, or they are getting progressively worse. If you don't notice them getting better, then they ARE getting worse, just more slowly than you would think. Or perhaps not slowly at all and you were intentionally ignoring all the signs.

Anyway. An 'it' guy is firing up some dreams and ambitions and desires in you for home and family. If after being with a guy for a year you don't have all that fire starting to smolder for all the benefits of an 'it' guy, try to to end it and start again. Investing a year makes sense. 8 is just you disrespecting the one life you have to live.

Make it count.

JB, you know I almost always agree with your answers, and for the most part, agree with what you say. I do have to point something out that might or might not be what's happening in this particular situation.

I was in a long term relationship with a man that I totally trusted. We were the best of friends. He got up every morning and went to work, and he came home every night for dinner. I could usually pin point where he would be at any moment in the day. I didn't try to spy on him, I just knew because he would tell me, and I trusted him. Anytime I needed to get a hold of him for one reason or another, he was always where he said he would be.

I didn't have blinders on, because I had been in a previous relationship that ended very badly, so I watched for signs. I wasn't being naïve, or just hoping that everything would be just fine if I ignored it. There were no signs until..! My "it" guy, was a very good actor and liar. He left no evidence, and didn't bring up any red flags. Sometimes they are just really good at it.

She shouldn't have gone back after the abuse, but from the lessons I learned prior to the relationship I just spoke of, they beat you down and take away all of yourself confidence pride, and sense of yourself. I can honestly say it's like brainwashing.

When I look back on the relationship I'm speaking of now, I can't believe that was even me! It seems like someone else's life! So until you are there engulfed in the situation, it's really hard to say what you would do. I sure as hell never thought I would stick around for something like that, and used to get upset with other people that did. But one day I woke up and realised that "I" was that person.

Luckily I got out of both relationships. The prior one had red flags just blowin in the wind, and sirens going off everywhere. The next was a calm gentle breeze until the "fit hit the shan", and I was out of there.

So I guess what I'm trying to say, is that it is not always as black and white as it appears.

I still really enjoy reading all of your answers though. ;)

8 years is a long time to turn your back on, but that's exactly what you must do, while focusing on you and what makes you happy for a change.

You have a big hole in your soul to fill, and it starts with loving yourself enough to be good to you, and with building a whole new life without him in it. Not easy, but in time you will know the people, and activities you like, and regroup around that.

All the things you couldn't think of doing before, you can now, so never contact him again, and be very good to yourself. Good Luck!

Take everyone else's advice. Know you are not alone, you are a great catch and will find someone who loves you and will be faithful soon enough. Keep your head up!

Starbuck has really good advice.. she has been in your spot.. she know what pain you are feeling..

It's really hard to let someone go, when you love them so much.. but please don't keep talking to him on the phone.. it's not good, he's just trying to woo you back.. he's probably a smooth talker.. and knows what works for you..

Please, don't take this man back, he disrespected you in the worst ways possible!! And people don't change... remember that.. if he beat you once, he WILL do it again.. you need to get yourself esteem back and find someone that is well worth your time..

Thank you all for the advice and experiences to help shed some light. I know what I need to do, it's just hard to find the strength in myself to let go because I loved him so much. I am beyond drained and I feel hopeless. Everyday is a struggle to get through and lately I've been talking and counseling myself constantly to make me feel better. Is that normal? Hehe... cause I feel like I'm going crazy! Lol. By the way, to answer JB question, I am 28 years old. I know should've expected more (marriage and a family) from someone that "says" they love me and I did at times but I was just happy to be where I was... perhaps I lowered my standards because I got used to being in the "comfort zone” of just knowing that I have him there. I know I defiantly deserved more from him because I gave him everything. I know this sounds absurd, but when I think of cutting all ties to him I feel bad as if I'm leaving him behind or something and I have this guilt. I know that's crazy but I can't help it, I am so sensitive to other peoples feelings that I put mine aside when I know I shouldn't. Why am I feeling like this when HE is the one to blame…I wish I can just have this hate and let go!

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Why am I feeling like this when HE is the one to blame…I wish I can just have this hate and let go!

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I'm wondering the same thing, why let his actions bring you guilt to the point you have allowed it. Love yourself more than you love him, sensitive or not!

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

Thank you all for the advice and experiences to help shed some light. I know what I need to do, it’s just hard to find the strength in myself to let go because I loved him so much. I am beyond drained and I feel hopeless. Everyday is a struggle to get through and lately I’ve been talking and counseling myself constantly to make me feel better. Is that normal? hehe...cause I feel like I’m going crazy! lol. By the way, to answer JB question, I am 28 years old. I know should've expected more (marriage and a family) from someone that "says" they love me and I did at times but I was just happy to be where I was...perhaps I lowered my standards because I got used to being in the "comfort zone” of just knowing that I have him there. I know I defiantly deserved more from him because I gave him everything. I know this sounds absurd, but when I think of cutting all ties to him I feel bad as if I’m leaving him behind or something and I have this guilt. I know that’s crazy but I can’t help it, I am so sensitive to other peoples feelings that I put mine aside when I know I shouldn’t. Why am I feeling like this when HE is the one to blame…I wish I can just have this hate and let go!

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I was, and I guess I still am to a point, just like you describe. I worry too much about other people to my own detrement. It's a good quality if you know when to draw the line, but it can also get you into some serious trouble. It WAS his doing, and you don't have to feel like you are leaving him behind! HE LEFT YOU BEHIND!

Again, I know it's not easy, but you have to really bite the bullet, and let go of him, or he will do more damage. Not even necessarily physical, but phychological damage, and that is harder to recover from. I have said it before, and I will say it again, (although I wish it on no one) I would rather be physically beaten, than be mentally broken down to the point where you don't even know yourself anymore.

Just think about it okay?!

Thanks all. So Update, yesterday I heard more scoop on him….I guess he was seen out talking to other girls at bars etc. ughhh it hurt me but I think that this is a turning point now. I thought about it all last night, how through all this torment I am enduring he is STILL is out there doing what he does.. CHEAT and LIE when I still had the heart to hear him out and answer his pleading calls and texts. I am going to force myself to accept that he never loved me in the first place as I loved him. I confronted him about his “outings” and that I am done with him (via text) and he was so cold about it with this reply - "I haven't heard from you in days and you come up with this bullsh**! don't call me anymore”. He is running behind the fact that he “tried” enough to win me back all those months so now its OK for him to put me off. It's so easy for him to forget and turn his back on me when HE did wrong and I am the one depressed about it, oh how life isn't fair…

After years of captivity to his BS, your free at last, and should be celebrating.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

Thanks all. So Update, yesterday I heard more scoop on him….I guess he was seen out talking to other girls at bars etc. ughhh it hurt me but I think that this is a turning point now. I thought about it all last night, how through all this torment I am enduring he is STILL is out there doing what he does..CHEAT and LIE when I still had the heart to hear him out and answer his pleading calls and texts. I am going to force myself to accept that he never loved me in the first place as I loved him. I confronted him about his “outings” and that I am done with him (via text) and he was so cold about it with this reply - "I haven't heard from you in days and you come up with this bullsh**!, don't call me anymore”. He is running behind the fact that he “tried” enough to win me back all those months so now its ok for him to put me off. It's so easy for him to forget and turn his back on me when HE did wrong and I am the one depressed about it, oh how life isn't fair…

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Of course that is what he said to you! You caught him in one of his games, so his only defense is to try and make it look as if it's your fault. Oh how typical! He wants you back, but only on his terms and conditions right? That is what cheaters and liars do! They will play the role to get what they want in any particular situation!

I know the hurt, and also the embarrassment of having your friends, and aquaintances seeing him out flirting, yucking it up, and making a fool of himself, with a bunch of young girls. He has no respect for your feelings at all. You are so much better off without him! The only worse thing you could have done in your 8 yr relationship, is stayed with him for 8 yrs and 1 day!

Give yourself some time to get over this creep, focus on you, and then get out there and just have fun! ;)

(are you sure this isn't my ex?. hahahaha! )

HAHAHA! I would really question it if I was in Canada as well! ;) Thank you starbuck8 and talaniman for listening to me.

Anytime hun... anytime! Take care of yourself, and I wish you all the best!

OK so I’ve posted my story on here before about my heart break and what I'm going through at the moment (8yr relationship broken after I found out that he cheated) and I thought that dealing with this was enough so what could possibly be worse than finding out that your significant other has cheated? Well today I feel worse than ever… I found out that he is seeing someone else and this absolutely kills me…it feels even worse than finding out that he cheated ( I know that sounds weird). I don’t know what to do, how to think, the thoughts of him with someone else haunts me and I try not to think about it and move on with what makes me happy but its so hard. It’s been 4 months and through it all he was pleading for me to come back and now…poof he’s done! I guess it’s this other girl or girls that he is interested in. I know that staying with him is wrong and things will never be the same but how can he move on so fast after 8 years!? He threw away all that we built though the years and cheated and here I am sad, lonely and depressed and haven’t even had ANY urge to be with anyone new. I know that I need a good kick in the to get over it but I am so hurting inside right now that I have loved someone that obviously didn’t feel the same, it all feels like an illusion or dream…I’m so numb to everything… if it wasn’t for this forum I would lose it so thanks everyone for taking the time to hear me out.

If he values your 8 yr relationship whe wouldn't have cheated either. What to do now? Be busy and read advices here.This shall pass.

I'm just going to rewrite some things you wrote. You can choose to start thinking my way or stay stuck in yours.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

I thought that dealing with this was enough so what could possibly be worse than finding out that your significant other has cheated??

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What's worse then being cheated on, how about death, losing a limb, spear through the brain. Now that you're a little off topic, going back to the relationship, how about staying with someone after they cheated because your to afraid to leave. You took the tough road and stuck up for yourself and drew the line in the sand as to where his disrespect of you would stop.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

Well today I feel worse than ever…

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Today, you are having natural combination of emotions that are giving you strength because when your down you know you can take even more... which strengthens you for future issues which will not be at this level.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

I found out that he is seeing someone else and this absolutely kills me…

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Or, it's awesome to know I didn't waste another minute with someone who is not at the same level of commitment that I am.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

it feels even worse than finding out that he cheated ( I know that sounds weird). I don’t know what to do, how to think, the thoughts of him with someone else haunts me and I try not to think about it and move on with what makes me happy but its so hard. It’s been 4 months and through it all he was pleading for me to come back and now…poof he’s done!

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And now poof... he got desperate and hooked up with the nearest person to try and take his mind off the one he let get away.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

I guess it’s this other girl or girls that he is interested in. I know that staying with him is wrong and things will never be the same but how can he move on so fast after 8 years!???

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Or how lucky am I that after that time I see that he was not emotionally compatible with me.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

He threw away all that we built though the years and cheated and here I am sad, lonely and depressed and haven’t even had ANY urge to be with anyone new.

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Or, I am at a growth stage in my life and my priorities do not involve dating someone but rather focusing on myself and what I can do to improve my life.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

I know that I need a good kick in the to get over it but I am so hurting inside right now that I have loved someone that obviously didn’t feel the same, it all feels like an illusion or dream…I’m so numb to everything… if it wasn’t for this forum I would lose it so thanks everyone for taking the time to hear me out.

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Well this forum is great, and I will admit that I've never come from an 8 year relationship (3 years is my record) but the focus of your thoughts are all about the hurt, which is natural but it is up to you to turn this around so your brain, emotions and life are going in your favor working towards your own happiness and fulfillment. Right now your focus is on him and what he's done, what he's doing, where he's at, etc. I know that's natural, but when you start having these thought you must turn them around in your favor. Sometimes it's going to be easy, and sometimes it's going to be harder but if you keep focusing on the positive... and sometimes it takes real focus and determination your brain will follow.

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the focus of your thoughts are all about the hurt, which is natural but it is up to you to turn this around so your brain, emotions and life are going in your favor working towards your own happiness and fulfillment. Right now your focus is on him and what he's done, what he's doing, where he's at, etc. I know that's natural,

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Chuff is so right, as right now all you know is pain and misery, I understand. Much to soon to even think any other way, but there is no magic pill to take it away from you, so we can only hug, and support you from afar, until you can see something, besides misery and pain.

Do something good for yourself, like treat yourself to a makeover. It will get better. Hang in there.

Thank you Chuff and Talaniman for putting things into perspective. I know that I deserve better and one day I will be happy again, I just need to emotional "cleanse" myself right now before I move on - but I'm going to take it day by day until the pain fades. I am in shock and sometimes denial that he is someone that I spent 8 years with turned into someone that I don't really know at all. He use to be shy and reserved for the most part and now he has so much confident, is arrogant - basically he has grown to have big head now and thinks that he can have any girl he wants. Through a mutual friend, he was saying that he has all these girls that want him blah blah blah (by the way we both are 28 years old! He's acting like a highschooler) It makes me sick to my stomach and I am starting to hate him. He has toally changed on me. Is this change of attitude just a cover up to his emotions? I probably sounds like a broken record but I don't understand how a human being can be so cold and cut off someone that gave everything to them for 8 years. Thanks for listening to me.

Your hurt because you gave so much, and got so little in return, your human and cared, that's good.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

I am in shock and sometimes denial that he is someone that I spent 8 years with turned into someone that i dont really know at all.

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People change, especially after 8 years. The someone you knew 8 or even 4 years ago is not the same person he is today. Some people strive to get better, some don't get anywhere, and most get better then get knocked down. You're here reaching out so that means your one of the majority and that means you CHOOSING to get back up. Some people never do, at least you know that you can and will, you are just seeking some reassurance and guidance for the road ahead.

He on the other hand has apparently decided... or more accurately out of desperation been forced to find comfort with those who do not care about him or his situation and they are just using him in his current downturn. Not exactly a great place to be, nor one for you to be jealous of, upset with, or worrying about.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

He use to be shy and reserved for the most part and now he has so much confident, is arrogant

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Confidence and arrogance are no where close to each other. Confidence is doing what you want on your terms for the good of yourself and the betterment of your life. Arrogance is someone scared and emotionally shaken who has to over emphasis everything they do in hopes of impressing those around them because they hope for some outside approval or reaction.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

- basically he has grown to have big head now and thinks that he can have any girl he wants.

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Maybe he can, so could Elvis Presley and look where that got him. Getting any girl is not the same as someone who has there head on straight. Nor is it YOUR best interest to be with someone who thinks sleeping with any girl is the best way to maintain a relationship.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

Through a mutual friend, he was saying that he has all these girls that want him blah blah blah

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Blah blah blah is right. The old I'm screwing 100 models to make her jealous routine. Perhaps he told your friend that so you would coming running back to him. You need to start framing this stuff in your favor, this man is desperate and instead of noticing it your letting it get to you.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

(by the way we both are 28 years old! hes acting like a highschooler) It makes me sick to my stomach and I am starting to hate him.

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Hate can be a powerful emotion... if you let it get the best of you it can guide your behavior, but at the same time it can also knock you loose from the grip and move you forward.

From what you write here, and I know this is difficult given the situation your in but I think you might try humor as an emotion to follow. If you read this in a year from now I think your going to be laughing at how desperate this guy looks with some of his behavior... and if you can look back and laugh at this later, my question to you is why wait?

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

He has toally changed on me. Is this change of attitude just a cover up to his emotions?

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Some of it yes. Some it is that people change after 8 years. That's life and human growth and now is an awesome time for you to embrace it and find some things you are good at and do them or focus on some things you haven't done in awhile and go back to them. His change in lifestyle can be to YOUR benefit should you choose to take the positive road ahead.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

I probably sounds like a broken record but I dont understand how a human being can be so cold and cut off someone that gave everything to them for 8 years. Thanks for listening to me.

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We all sound like a broken record after a break up. It's part of the brain that protects us in emotional situations by slowly bringing down the denial so that reality will be easier to accept. Congradulate yourself, your brain is working perfectly. I know that sounds odd but you have to start taking every thought and every situation and turning it around in your favor. Right now you're a broken record of questions and emotions that lead to a negative result... which I fully understand that is completely natural, but you can start directing those emotions to positive statements for you and for you positive results.

Example, "How could he do that after 8 years?" change it to "How lucky that I have a future to explore that is mine on my terms." If you keep doing this, this will turn your brain around and it will follow. You just have to get leverage by putting more good in then letting the bad direct and focus your life.

So today is a hard day. (Please see my earlier thread for the story, thanks) I've been Ok for a couple of days and today I just broke down and cried at work. I don't know what came over me. I feel so drained and overly stressed out that its affecting my health. I fear that I will never find anyone – I'm getting discouraged. I feel so depressed and stuck in a hole, I don't know what to do. I try to find things to do to stay busy but it is constantly on my mind. I know that I deserve better and what I miss are just the memories of 8 yrs together and I have to quickly force myself to think about why I left him and all his faults. I can't believe that someone that I shared my life with for so long ended up being someone that deceived me for so long. I get so frustrated at myself for not seeing it earlier and wasting all those years! How can someone just do that with no conscience?? I don't understand. I am a person with moral and believe in karma... how many of you believe in karma or had any experience karma? Thanks for listening.

The only thing that will truly heal this is time. Be patient with yourself and just believe that time will heal. There are certain things you can do to expedite the healing, such as focusing on yourself and realizing that you cannot control anyone else and there is no point in trying to figure out anyone else's motivations.

He is probably seeing someone else to help him get over you and it just looks like he's moved on so quickly. Either way, it's none of your business and you should stop worrying about what he's doing or why. I know it's easier said than done.

Also, take a look at your thought process. Right now, it is very gloomy and negative, such as "no one will ever love me again" etc, but that's just not true. Listen to your own thoughts and catch them any time they start getting negative, then try to replace them with more positive statements. Once again, easier said than done.

I have found that meditation really helps to calm the mind and focus on changing negative thoughts to positive ones.

I can't add much more, besides telling you that it was 8 years of your life you devoted to this man so a lot more time will be needed. It will get better, I promise you this!

Thanks. It just so hard. I feel like I've been gutted out and have nothing left in me. Im sort of use to being depressed and unhappy all the time. Today I texted him asking for my stuff and some money that he owed and he was really straight forward about it. I guess it hurt me that he has really moved on and doesn't even try anymore. I want this but its hard to grasp. I hate being weak and I feel that I am always weak to him. How can I still have these feelings and he can shut me out... I guess nothing is fair. TOday is yet another hard day that I have struggled to get through.

Keep posting here and surrounding yourself with people who will listen and help you. Look into those meditation classes I was talking about, look up buddhism in your area or "dharma talks" or something like that. It's OK to keep journaling or talking about until you feel better.

This will take some time, but be gentle on yourself.

Firstly don't think you wasted 8 years of your life because that is not true, nothing goes to waste! These 8 years of your life have shaped you as a person and have prepared you for all the great things you will experience in the future. You should stop thinking about what he is doing and start focusing your thoughts elsewhere. I am going through a similar situation although mine was only 3 years and she left me for the person she cheated on me with. One thing that helps is taking it one day at a time and arranging small things to do, ahead of time so that you have something to look forward to (going on trips with friends, meeting with people you haven't seen for a long time, anything that will distract you).

I do believe in karma and I am sure you will find someone that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated but your first priority should be to be able and stand strong on your own two feet. You have been given another opportunity to experience better and greater things. You should not regret any of the things you did in the past just look at the future positively and you will get what you deserve.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

I hate being weak and I feel that I am always weak to him. How can I still have these feelings and he can shut me out....i guess nothing is fair.

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You call this situation weak? You and I could not disagree more. I think that someone who said after all this time that her pride and dignity were more important than sticking around with someone who is using her is strength. A weak person would have stuck around and let it happen again. A strong person said, this is going to suck for awhile but I can't be disrespected any longer.

Your right that nothing is fair... but at the same time if you focus on that then you going to get more of it. I don't think it's fair that OJ Simpson is rich and I'm not. But I'm not going to let that stop me enjoying life. Now I'm not saying this isn't going to be hard but at the same time, you absolutely must start focusing on the good things you have in life, even if they are small. You can build off that. The brain is designed to always think negative, as a protection device, so you have to force yourself to hold onto the positive.

You've all heard this saying... "once a cheater always a cheater". Who believes this to be true? My ex of 8yrs cheated and embarrasingly probably cheated throughout our entire relationship (I never once cheated on him btw). He has apologized and pleaded with me for months after the breakup and recently stopped all contact with me which leads me to believe he has moved on with someone else. Could he have learned from our relationship to be a better man in his next relationship? It kills me to think of all I have invested only to better his next. I hope this is making sense... thanks for listening.

I understand your situation. I found out that my ex of two years always went to this girls house t just "hang out" but he was hoplessly in love with her. And I took that for cheating.. and he promised to change, and when he did I would be the first one he came back for because then he knew he would be perfect for me.. . you had 8 years with that guy.. and he did nothing but cheat.. and now maybe you think he's changed, but chances are he hasn't. You did nothing wrong, and maybe down the road (more months, and even years) he'll realize it. But as of now, you have to get priorities and he should be at the bottom of the list. He's just a lesson to be learned, and when he comes back, its up to you. Hope I helped

It has been my experience that cheaters never change. If they do it is because they have no choice,like mostly health reasons,and the last one they are with gets the joys of being caregiver

I know exactly how you feel. USED....and now JEALOUS.

PSST: The big picture below :-)

**Here's the thing. The fact is if you have the guts to walk away 100% from the guy AND any guys like that, you will find a guy that will make you forget him in a second. ***

But you got to have guts.

I tell people this all the time: the ones that have the guts to feel real pain but not look back for relief when disrespected, will always climb the ladder to a better mate.

MANY CANNOT look forward.

Look forward and you may be quite surprised what you see!
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I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. People cheat for different reasons and sometimes there are circumstances which led up to it, it doesn't mean that they will cheat again or with every relationship.

If this guy cheated throughout your entire relatinship he won't change, this is his behavior. It was probably nice , to him, having his cake and ice cream too. He had no respect for your relationship and if he cherish what your had he would have stop after the first affair. This shows he had no guilt. Do you prefer to have someone to treat you good or treat you like crap? Do you want someone who's going only commit to you or sleep with whoever he wants with no regards to your relationship?

Who cares if he found someone else, let them deal with his bs. You better off with him. Do you want to spend one more year and deal with his cheating and lies? Remember dogs has flees and their hard to get rid of. Heal yourself and leave him in the past and don't settle. There's more fish in sea.

I believe this to be true also , my husband of 10 years was also visiting a female who he had been friends with for 5 years before I came along , he told me he thought he had feelings for her so I promptly threw him out because I was 99.9 % sure he had done the deed , he moved in with her and they became an item , this man is now cheating on her and has been for the whole time he s been with her ! So yes I do believe once a cheater always a cheater .

No people can change, do most, no, but it is possible, I know serious drugs, men who would sleep wiith any women but they turned htier life around.

Count yourself lucky, and pray for his next victim.

Hey there. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. I do believe that people change. However, in your case, I must say that your ex is probably going to repeat that in his next relationship. But then again I could be wrong. If he cheated several times, that a problem.
As I said before, I know from personal experience that people can change . They just have to find someone they can't get out of their head or maybe if they get everything they want from the relationship. But I also know that there are some compulsive cheater out there, who no matter how good their partner treats them, they are always inclined to cheat. For your case however, I would suggest that you just leave the past to where it belongs. Consider yourself lucky and hope for a bright future, with a guy who won't cheat on you. Hope this helps...

Your ex is one of the reasons why females do not want to date males.